[cell door slams]
♪ The animals the animals ♪
♪ Trapped trapped trapped till the cage is full ♪
♪ The cage is full the day is new ♪
♪ And everyone is waiting waiting on you ♪
♪ And you've got time ♪
♪ Think of all the roads ♪
♪ Think of all their crossings ♪
♪ Taking steps is easy ♪
♪ Standing still is hard ♪
♪ Remember all their faces ♪
♪ Remember all their voices ♪
♪ Everything is different ♪
♪ The second time around ♪
[cell door slams]
♪ And you've got time ♪
[cell door slams]
[reporter] A surprising development in the Judy King saga.
This photo leaked from inside Litchfield Correctional Facility
- catches the queen of cuisine - Yo!
in a romantic embrace with an African-American inmate.
This undermines the allegations of racism
that have been swirling since the discovery
of an offensive 1983 cable access video.
The identity of the inmate remains unknown.
That's what I'm talking about! Ooh!
Okay, y'all, so what y'all gonna do with y'all's cash money?
- [laughs] - Yo, I'm gonna take my girl to Amsterdam.
Rent a bounce house in the shape of a frog.
I'm gonna follow D'Angelo around
like them white people be following that band Phish,
where they spell the word "fish" wrong.
What about you, Watson?
Ah, you know,
probably spend most of it on rims.
[laughter]
Y'all, we didn't think this shit through.
Man, stop crying about it already.
You were so hyped about being famous and...
Okay, first of all,
some brown puffs are famous, not me.
And two... how do you think this gonna play upstairs?
Are you talking about... God?
I'm talking about Caputo.
Yo. Don't even worry about it, man. We got Judy on our side.
Y'all still ain't getting it, are you?
She used us.
Now she out there looking post-racial and shit,
and I'm about to get a boot up my black ass.
Lesbians.
Am I right?
[Piscatella] What the hell is this?
Anyone want to fill me in?
Who was on Judy King duty today?
It was me. But she told me to get lost.
She said she doesn't need a babysitter anymore.
Well, I can see why.
I tried to stay, but she got really irritated,
- and Caputo told us to keep her happy... - [Piscatella] As far as I'm concerned,
she's his problem to deal with now,
but what I want to know is how this photo got out.
[chuckles] Hey, you know inmates. Always up to something.
Right.
Well, guess what time it is, people.
It's time for a phone sweep.
Oh, no, sir, I don't think that'll help.
You know, they hide their shit in, like, places you wouldn't think to look.
- Well, start thinking. And looking. - Okay.
You're talking about dismantling every electrical appliance,
lifting up ceiling tiles and getting in the HVAC system.
Snaking the drains, tearing apart all the mattresses.
I... I hear they hide their shit in shit, like in the porta potties.
For real. It's nasty.
Oh, sorry.
I... I didn't realize this was going to be hard. You know what?
Instead, let's just go over to my place and watch Bachelorette.
Why don't you head this one up, Luschek?
Think of it as your chance to impress me.
Oh, and one more thing.
C.O. Mooney down at max says the SHU's almost full.
There's one or two cells left. That's it.
Which means we can't be sending people down there
all willy-nilly, pell-mell.
So, what are we supposed to do?
Go freestyle.
- I put that doughnut in my pants. - [chuckles]
Now, there's a bunch of white girls pushing back on us in the TV room.
We gave them Tuesday night, straight up.
Now they asking for an extra hour on Thursday
so that they can watch something called Bones,"
which is about a lady named Bones, apparently.
Give it to them.
You're just gonna bend like that?
We got power now. We can't be petty and shit.
They come to us, we should be reasonable.
Also, I want order in the cafeteria.
Don't be marching in there taking people's tables.
- That ain't fair. - We got to sit.
So, pick out a couple of tables.
Make them our tables. Anybody sits there, it's trouble.
They sit somewhere else, we leave them alone. You hear me?
We don't need the C.O.'s looking at us all the time.
[scoffs]
Anybody else?
Okay, we're done.
Oh. And if that Moroccan tweaker doesn't pay us today,
we start breaking fingers.
Dibs.
Yo.
The stop and frisk is bullshit.
I hear you, but they ain't gonna find anything.
It's no problem.
And take a shower, man.
You smell like a skunk that OD'd on vinegar and died.
There's a lot of us.
Go now. There's no lines.
I'll cover for you in the kitchen.
[woman] Bianca?
Bianca?
[yells] Bianca!
[sighs]
Yes, missus?
I'm hungry.
I was in the shower.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
I got hungry.
[woman] And heat that soup up on the stove, not the microwave!
- It makes it taste different. - [sighs]
Margaret called.
Oh.
Too busy to talk to her own mother more than once a week.
And then when she does call,
she won't stop harping on the nursing home.
You can't call a structure covered in spray-on stucco
"Golden" anything.
I'm speaking to you. Please don't stand there like a half-wit.
She worries about you.
Oh, not about me. About herself.
She wants to get her hands on this house.
Pack me off to watch Wheel of Fortune and drool
with other unloved, old people.
No, thank you.
She seemed nice.
Of course she did. You only met her that one time.
That's how she acts, you know.
"Oh, I... I want you to have doctors nearby
in case you need them."
It's all for show.
What do you tell her?
Same as usual. I'm staying right here in my own home.
Go take a long walk on a short pier.
[leaf blower whirring]
And I have you. That's all I need.
Who's that?
A bit of a hood for my taste,
but, uh, Patty from church
says he worked wonders with her shrubs.
This soup is terrible.
I'm starving, but the thought of actually eating makes me want to yurg.
Well, maybe it's because this food
looks like something a walrus would regurgitate
- to feed its least favorite baby. - I can't...
You know what? I don't mind it so much anymore.
I did grow up eating mushy food
because my mother had the weak teeth, you realize.
Is it, like, super bright in here?
Do you know what I want?
A burger.
From Shake Shack.
I legit just, like, teared up a little bit.
Seared on the grill with tomato and melted cheese.
On a fresh... soft... potato roll.
With a milkshake.
No, don't get greedy.
It's my fantasy.
And I can have a milkshake with a side of Cate Blanchett.
My veins hurt right now and you're thinking about sex?
No, dummy.
I want someone to massage my head.
And she looks like she'd have really cool fingers.
Hey, there.
You're really being a bit of a downer.
I'm sorry.
Is my mood not up to your standards?
No one asked you to plop yourself down right in front of me.
I'm sitting here 'cause we're girlfriends.
Okay, is that what we are now?
You need to stop blaming me for finding someone, hon.
Mm-hmm.
It's not like my feelings for you just went away.
But I didn't just jump into the first pair of mooky pants
that came along.
I have no idea what you did.
But you sure as fuck did something
because you can't keep your head up right now.
Don't try to change the subject, okay?
[scoffs]
It's been, like, months.
I mean, how do you even meet someone, let alone...
- Okay, stop. Stop it. - marry?
Stop it.
You left. You were the one who left.
All right? I didn't know if you were coming back.
And it's your fault
because you love heroin more than you love me.
For your information, I was clean at the time,
you peanut-brained, fickle-hearted whore.
♪♪
So... how is everyone?
Oh, you know...
pretty awesome.
She's on drugs, Red.
- [scoffs] - [Lorna] Just take a look at her.
She's smacked out of her gourd.
[sighs]
What, are we all gonna pretend this isn't happening?
[scoffs]
Feels like a yes.
Food stays in the cafeteria, Sister. You know that.
I'll do what I want, you moron.
You fucking moron.
I think your blood sugar might be off again, Sister.
Oh, you think?
With your teeny, tiny brain.
Look, just take it, okay?
And don't tell anyone.
[indistinct announcement on P.A.]
You know, if you're gonna poop in the shower,
at least you could plan ahead.
Like, do it in a shower cap and take it with you after.
Just common decency.
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
I mean, I know for some people,
drugs is the most important thing, but guess what?
For the rest of us,
we have feelings and noses and gag reflexes.
And janitorial has had enough without you leaving your mess behind
once you found what you've been looking for.
And I think you might have worms,
so deal with that.
Okay, gun to your head...
do you run over an old lady,
or do you turn the wheel and crash yourself into a wall?
How old is the old lady?
[sighs]
Seventy-six.
No. Seventy-two.
How's her health?
- You know, it's been better. - Mm-hmm.
But she's all there in her head, you know? She does puzzles and shit.
I think I mow her down.
Me too.
Gun to your head...
- Do you eat ten dead flies... - Ugh!
- or an alive baby mouse? - Mm!
- Flies for sure. - Gross!
The wings would stick to your tongue and your tonsils and everything.
Yeah, but at least it wouldn't be wiggling no more.
A baby mouse is like a big jellybean.
I would just swallow it whole.
Speaking of flies on the wall.
Hey, watch out for this one. She's more than meets the eye.
Mm, I don't know about that.
I mean, we've been friends for a long time,
and as far as I can see, it's all pretty much right here.
Hmm. I guess you don't know her like I do.
Did you get the money?
No. They did not send the check yet.
And I think he knows.
He's toying with me.
Ordered me to search for a phone that's currently in my pocket.
No, I don't think that man toys.
I have a shifty face. I can't help it.
I come from shifty-faced people.
I invite suspicion even when I'm not guilty.
Man, if they trace this thing to my fucking number...
Joel.
They are just a bunch of bozos who failed police academy.
They've been to war.
Inside Weekly has a vested interest in protecting their sources.
You know, I ought to tell you,
this pissing in your pants thing is kind of a turn-off.
Well, at least there's that.
[man on P.A.] Officer Williams, inmate services, extension 2365.
Demarco. It's Italian, right?
No. I'm 100% Hispanic. Don't let the classical features fool you.
I could be up to anything.
Okay.
Take your time.
Ay, caramba.
Jesus Christ, inmate.
I'm going, okay?
Yeah, get out of here. Maybe boil those clothes.
I can't understand what you're saying. It's rude.
Let's get you in the car, okay?
[both laugh]
Careful.
[sighs]
Bianca!
- [sighs] - [woman] Why are you loitering?
Let's go.
Just a minute. [sighs]
[chuckles]
[knocking on window]
[woman] I'm waiting! Get in the car!
[Luschek] Score.
That's six phones for me.
[sighs]
This is new.
It's my me time.
You get out in two days.
You're gonna have "all you can eat" me time.
And I'm gonna need it the way you're up in my ass in here.
Look, just 'cause I'm getting out don't mean we're gonna get
all kumbaya and shit right now, okay?
There's gonna be no crying
or making each other friendship bracelets or whatever.
I just thought we could hang out.
Burn your ugly face into my brain
so I can remember you when it's too peaceful around here.
[scoffs]
Please.
Don't pretend like you ain't gonna be relieved when I'm gone.
Oh, trust.
It's gonna be a party when that van door closes on your ass.
[sighs]
But you're still my mom.
I'm gonna miss you.
Listen, we're grown-ups.
It is what it is.
[sighs]
Tell me what you know about this.
Mm. Nothing.
What? You think that's me?
Let's call it a hunch.
All right, how about you let me take this, okay, hon bun?
Now, we are both as upset as you are about this. I can assure you.
You know, we have done our best with very limited resources...
- to try and make you comfortable here. - No, I appreciate that.
I really do.
- [chuckles] Mnh-mnh. - And you repay us by staging and selling
[stammering] this crazy photo.
Look, I... I don't want to sound like I'm full of myself,
but, you know, there are people out there,
and in here, in this case,
who are interested in taking pictures of celebrities.
Even minor ones such as myself.
Mm-hmm. It ain't her fault the paps after her like a Jolie-Pitt baby.
You're saying you had no knowledge of this photo being taken?
I'm just living my life, Mr. Caputo.
And while I am aware that a jailhouse romance is discouraged,
sometimes...
you just can't fight your passions.
Now, I'm sure that you are no stranger to the vagaries of love.
Jesus, Judy, give me a break here.
The heart wants what it wants.
♪♪
And you're telling me...
that your heart wants...
her?
[clicks tongue]
What, you ain't ever heard of a May-December romance before?
I think it's more like June-October.
- [chuckles] - Mm.
[sighs]
I'm the sexy arm candy here, and Judy pants is my aging playboy.
Ah.
[smooches]
It's classic.
I hear you walk out of here and went your separate ways,
I will come down on both of you like the wrath of Khan.
Like in Star Trek?
I mean God. The wrath of God. This better be the real thing.
This is a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship.
In your case, I'm sure it'll just bring the two of you closer together.
I think so, yes.
My girl.
Please leave.
I guess I could grab a beverage while we're waiting.
I ain't telling you what to do,
but I kind of feel like staying sharp and letting them get messed up early
is the only way you're gonna dominate beer pong later.
Maybe you're right.
You ever think about how it's weird that there's always a gardener around
when there's a whole grounds crew that basically works for free?
You're right. That is weird.
Also, he has really nice shirts... for a gardener.
Hey, you!
[Dixon] Yeah, you!
Stay right there!
[grunting]
Why are you running?
N... no reason.
What are you? Some kind of perv?
Trying to jerk it through the fence to some prison tang?
I see you around here again, you'll be shitting your own teeth, Pablo.
[Digori] What's this thing supposed to be, anyway?
[Brandy] Thought Caputo said it was supposed to be a school or something.
Fuck that.
I don't want anyone sticking anything in my brain I didn't give say so for.
We could all stand to learn stuff, I guess.
[scoffs]
Come on, they're gonna send some volunteer college derp,
with a straight part,
who's gonna get all Dangerous Minds when it turns out you can't read.
You can't read?
I mean... I probably can.
I'm not stupid. I just... choose not to.
Well, that's how they get you.
With words.
They put ideas in the words that make you start thinking.
Never thought about it that way.
Yeah.
Well, then all of a sudden, you're like,
"what if other people are having these experiences
that are different than mine but still totally legit?
And what if I'm supposed to think about that
before I start judging their lives?"
That's... chaos.
No, thank you.
Should we do something about Nicky?
Like what?
Look, it's not like I don't care. I've just seen it before, you know?
You can't make them change unless they want to,
and if you try, they usually end up hating your guts.
I really just think we shouldn't have done...
you know, crack, with her.
Well, yeah. I mean, in hindsight.
Although, to be fair...
crack is like potato chips to Nicky.
Little something to slake your appetite while you're figuring out dinner.
Speaking of dinner.
C.O. Bayley.
Chapman.
Hi.
Vause and I were thinking.
Since you're such a super nice guy
and so good at moving things across enemy lines...
What do you want now?
- A burger. - Two, ideally. One for each of us.
With cheese.
- Cheese is key. - Yep.
Uh...
Yeah.
Really?
Sure.
Oh, but first I get a handjob.
You know, from before.
From the panty thing. You basically owe me.
Hmm.
They grow up so fast.
[clears throat]
Boo. Hey.
Oh, hey.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Give.
- [chuckles] - Ha!
So, something kind of weird happened.
Oh, yeah?
Donuts apologized.
[laughs] Right.
No, he did. For real.
He was really sweet about it.
Oh, well, good for him. Huh.
Oh. Oh, hell no.
No, no, no, Doggett. That ain't the way this works.
He doesn't get to constantly rape someone and then apologize and make it go away.
I'm not saying it's got to just go away.
Boo, I am so tired of walking around feeling shitty every day.
Fine.
But guess what.
He gets to feel shitty for the rest of his natural life.
Oh, and beyond when he's a tandoori skewer in hell.
What if he's just like a regular person
who made a mistake?
Right?
I mean, come on, we both know I'm not innocent.
Yeah, but you never...
Okay, you did shoot a human being with a hunting rifle,
but she had it coming.
No, she didn't.
I do not like where this is headed.
Well, Boo, he ain't going anywhere.
Okay? We all live here together.
And I'm really tired of walking around like a dog with mange.
You should've rammed that broomstick
right up his sphincter when you had the chance!
You know, the thing is
I really liked him before all that happened.
If you go back to giving that maggot the time of day,
I swear to fucking God, Doggett, to God,
I'm done with you.
Fucking kidding me with this shit.
[shoveling angrily]
How's it going, kids?
You're sure feeling frisky today.
I've transgressed, and I'm ready to accept my punishment.
Yo! McCullough.
I believe this makes the score 11 to eight.
God damn it.
Uh, say a dozen Hail Marys or something.
[sighs]
I was actually super nice. We went to Starbucks in Hoboken.
Did you know you can get a frappuccino there
that tastes just like fruity pebbles?
- Get out. - It's on the secret menu.
Vince told me about it.
Oh. That's nice.
Did he talk about me?
Oh, of course he did.
Kept saying how much he misses you.
Well, if he misses me so much, why'd he skip visitation?
Why's he dodging my calls?
It's a long drive, Lorna. And he works.
And the football just started. You know how boys are.
I thought you were supposed to be on my side.
I am. I am. I'm just saying, you know...
I think he's a good person.
Real sweet.
Did he mention anyone else?
Nothing like that.
I mean, honestly, he seems kind of lonely.
Good.
I invited him to our tailgate next weekend.
Really?
Why not?
I figured he and Jack would get along.
Oh, he and Jack.
Sure.
He's so funny, that Vinny. [laughs]
I know. I know he's funny
'cause he's my husband 'cause I married him,
in case you forgot.
You asked me to go meet up with him.
What did you wear?
The usual.
A top and a skirt.
Oh... my... God!
Oh...
...this guy.
What'd you do? Dress up like a book?
No.
- Gross, man. - Gross?
Yo, she do got a point.
Nah, B, I got to shower every day.
I get sticky between my tetas.
You don't got to be dirty.
You just got to smell bad.
I see.
I got these pudding cups from commissary,
and when I opened one, it was rancid.
Smells like a fart died.
This pepper shit makes my eyes water.
Oh, shit.
Ah. [inhales sharply]
Burns.
It burns. Shit.
[laughing]
Ah, shit! Ah!
Oh, come on.
I've been looking for this church door for ten minutes,
and it was right there in your pile.
Sorry.
Where's Dario?
I had to let him go.
He did something wrong?
I felt he wasn't as focused as he should be.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that you have a job to do and he was a big distraction.
And those tattoos.
You're jealous... because we had fun.
Fun? I saw the way he looked at you. Dirty.
You get involved with a person like that,
and you'll regret it sooner rather than later. I promise you.
Now, I... I have to go to the little girls room.
That was his job.
That's how he earns a living.
He's a person.
And I'm a person.
I don't just live to work for you.
I'm not gonna be around forever, honey,
and I have half a mind to leave this house to you,
if only to teach Margaret a lesson.
So, you keep playing your cards right,
and you might be looking at a very bright future.
[scoffs] But I have to put my life and my hoo-ha in storage.
Don't be vulgar, Bianca.
Now, I said I have to pee.
♪♪
[grunts]
[indistinct chatter]
Let's talk about how my cousin got tackled in the woods.
He's burnt on this job now.
- Yeah, that's a downer. - You want to cut the attitude,
or should I come back with some friends?
I got nothing to do with that, okay?
I can't help what happens out there.
You think I'm some kind of shit for brains?
You tell me you don't want to run no more,
and three days later, the game blows up when there's no one around except you?
That creepy guard was all up in it. You can ask Gonzalez.
Lurking around, dropping hints and shit.
It was gonna go jank any minute, I'm telling you.
Then you come to me about it.
This is my business, and I make the fucking decisions...
Oh, I know you do.
And if he came after us,
you would've decided to push me under the bus in one second
and walk away like you never knew me,
and don't even try to front like that ain't the truth.
Van.
It's not a bus. It's a van.
I saved you.
And I ain't even Dominican.
So, if you want to bruise me up,
I guess I can't do much about it.
Walk, Ramos.
Faster.
Think about it this way.
You have maybe five minutes of pig in a blanket
for eight or nine minutes of pure burger bliss.
Just don't look down, because if his dick looks like a chicken neck,
you'll never unsee it.
Why are we assuming that I'm the one who's gonna be doing it?
- 'Cause you're the straight one. - Fuck you. Guaranteed lifetime tally,
you have given more handjobs than I have. Ten to one.
Only to get out of having sex.
Whereas I just had the sex.
Ergo... this is your field of expertise.
You think this kid needs an expert?
I seriously doubt he's a connoisseur.
Also, you're the one
that gave him the handjob idea to begin with.
Because society has conditioned me to see female sexuality as currency.
Right. And it's time to spend a little in exchange for a burger.
Touché.
How are you doing?
[sighs]
I mean, I have nightmares, paranoia,
sweaty PTSD, micro flashbacks,
but other than that, it's horrible.
I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
I did sound insane.
I get that.
I guess we're not gonna get those burgers, huh?
Probably not.
Also because we could both probably use, like, a week
where we don't do something pathetic
and/or morally incriminating.
Where your first thought in the morning isn't
"I have defiled myself in the eyes of God and man."
Imagine what that would feel like.
It's no melted cheese and onion.
- Mmm. - Mmm.
Next.
Whoa!
Man, I know Latina girls are supposed to be spicy,
but I had no idea it was this literal.
You ever hear anything about a general fishiness?
Hey. You might want to check in with medical, inmate.
Mm-hmm.
Ohh!
I thought I told you to shower, Flores.
Oh, yeah, I plan to get on that.
[sniffs, gags]
This isn't B.O. You've doused yourself in something evil.
Is this some kind of game?
Jenga is a game.
- This is civil disobedience. - Yeah, well, it's over.
Next time I see you, you smell like a goddamn daisy
or you're not gonna like what happens next.
You can put me in jail,
but you can't tell me what to do with my own body.
And yet it's happening.
Go get cleaned up, with soap.
And I'm not messing around. I'm talking to all of you.
So, I said, "Now, listen, you limey bitch."
- Ooh. - [chuckles]
"You steal one more recipe from me,
and I'm gonna have to put you through the grinder attachment
to your KitchenAid Professional Series mixer."
Oh, shit, yo!
Man!
Who knew Nigella was so basic?
You know, the truth is she is awesome.
We get high together sometimes and make out.
- Oh, ah. - Hmm.
She has a dessert recipe called "Caribbean Creams."
I named it for her breasts
when she took off her bikini top one time in Turks and Caicos.
[singsong] Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi! Chi!
Isn't it getting late?
[chuckling] Yeah. She's right. It's almost lights out.
All right, well, peace. J-Kizzle.
[laughing]
Fino a domani.
Hmm?
Okay, I have no idea what that means.
But it's classy.
Later, girlfriend.
[laughs]
Lot of people hanging out here all of a sudden.
Yeah, well, it's nice to have friends.
We are social animals, after all.
It's just we've got some nice stuff in here.
Aren't you worrying about stealing?
Well, is that because they're blacks?
'Course not.
It's because they're in prison.
Stealing is what people do here.
And because they're poor.
Now, I think you're getting a bit paranoid, Jonesy.
I'm telling it like it is.
So what if they do steal?
[scoffs]
MCC has given us all this stuff.
It's not as if we deserve it any more than anybody else out there.
Exactly when did you turn into Abbie Hoffman?
You're as capitalist as they come.
Oh, I'm sorry. But this... [chuckles] is not capitalism.
♪♪
[indistinct conversations]
[radio chatter]
[fan whirring]
[chuckles]
Now we're talking.
[whirring stops]
I blew out all my commissary money.
Figured you could use it when it gets all stank in here.
Thank you.
For real.
What about you, huh?
You gonna be okay out there?
[sighs]
I have my doubts.
Come on. You're like a cockroach, Diaz. When we're all dead,
you're still gonna be crawling around the garbage,
saying mean shit to the other roaches.
I got to ask you a favor.
Dayanara.
You know I'ma look out for her.
Don't let her get into trouble.
She's a good girl.
All the shit she's been through.
This place could change her, you know.
Turn her cold and mean.
I ain't gonna let that happen.
And even when you feel like giving up...
don't let her see nothing like that on your face.
You got to hold her up, you hear me?
She's your daughter now.
Long as you're in here.
[scoffs]
Daughters.
They're the fucking worst.
[toilet flushes]
[woman coughing]
[scoffs]
Well, look who it is.
You trying to get sent back to max?
Oh, my God.
Prison is prison, right?
What happened to you?
You stole from me to buy drugs.
And we're off.
Okay.
No, go ahead.
Get all up in my eyeballs with your fucking angry Brando impression.
Uh...
Call me a loser.
Mm...
Cut me off from the family.
Whatever you want to do.
[sobs]
[voice breaking] I failed you.
[sobbing]
I should've been watching. I should've known you were in trouble.
And then you got taken away, and now I...
- Please just don't cry, Red. - Look at you.
You look like you're dead already.
It was always hopeless. [chuckles]
I am not your fault.
I played tough with Tricia.
Now she's in the prison cemetery with her name spelled wrong. [sobs]
Tell me what to do, Nicky.
I don't know what to do!
[sobbing]
Hmm, what is that? Oysters?
Want one?
[sniffs]
[Blanca gasping]
[moaning intensifies]
[laughs]
[moaning continues]
Hey. No touching.
Oh, okay.
But be sure to let Mr. Caputo know that we were touching.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, so what's gonna happen when your
Dukes of Hazzard-loving cracker fans see that photo?
Ooh, that Frito pie gonna fall right out of their mouths.
I'll say, "Sorry about that."
- And that's it? - Mm, pretty much.
You know, you can cheat on your wife with hookers
who indulge you in your diaper fetish
and still be the senator from Louisiana so long as you apologize.
See, that is the great thing about the love of Jesus.
Oh, no, don't you start with me about that holy white evangelical bullshit.
They're a bunch of hypocrites.
Killing science and education
and refusing to marry the nice gay couples,
but then being all "Rah, rah, the holy land"
when they really think... that my people got horns
and that we all gonna broil in hell.
Oh, oh, wait. Hold up.
You're Jewish?
I cannot believe that those posers just smoked us
on the unspoken interracial prison couple power ranking.
[chuckles] We ain't about competition, all right?
We just doing our thing.
- Our real thing. - I know.
I'm not trying to sell us short or anything,
but it's like they're Beyoncé and Jay Z, and we're just Kim and Kanye.
Yo, that hurts. I ain't gonna lie.
It's, like, about this super-nerdy teacher
and, um, he finds out he has, like, terminal cancer.
And so he starts making meth to make money for his family,
but e... except he dyes it blue for some reason.
No, I'd never do blue meth.
That color ain't natural.
So, what happens?
I'm guessing it goes wrong somehow.
Man.
I'm missing out on all the best TV.
I swear I might've cleaned up my act
if I knew I was gonna end up in a place with only network.
We got some basic cable,
like that show with the lawyers on USA.
Are they lawyers, or are they FBI guys?
- The FBI guys were in Miami. - That's not Miami, it's Long Island.
Mnh-mnh. He's a doctor.
Or maybe CIA.
So, nobody's a lawyer?
No, there are lawyers for sure.
I thought that was just one long show.
[chuckles]
Well, look who's not too good to knock trays with us hill trolls.
Got tired of your butchy girlfriend?
She ain't my girlfriend.
Suit yourself.
I heard that there was this show
that was, like, just people shooting zombies.
Yo, yo, you got to check this.
[indistinct conversations]
[sighs]
Listen, if your mind is starting to go,
just tell me and I'll mercy break your neck so you don't end up in psych.
You told me Crystal's case was stalled
because we couldn't prove that Sophia's in the SHU.
And you think you can prove that?
I know it's all isolation down there.
But there's a shower facility, right?
One that everyone uses at one time or another.
If I can get word to her...
I mean, I'm half Catholic myself,
but what you're talking about is a kind of miracle.
I have a phone with a camera...
in a very uncomfortable place.
[scoffs]
You are one crazy bitch.
Thank you, Mendoza.
I'm pretty scared, to be honest.
The SHU's a scary place.
You want to get sent down there, you can't be pulling this piddly shit.
You got to do something serious.
I know. It's just that I don't want to hurt anybody, you know?
I was an activist, but always nonviolent.
Sometimes you got to think about the greater good.
Oh, shit!
Good for you.
Oh. Oh!
Tell me I didn't see what I just saw.
No, this monster almost broke my jaw, officer.
- And I'd do it again, Latino! - Oh! Hell no.
You need to get her out of here, 'cause she is a threat to our safety.
Oh! Oh, oh. Shit!
Let's go, Ingalls.
[applause]
Here you go.
I am pleasantly surprised.
Yeah. I, uh, took the liberty of looking through them for that crazy photo,
but, uh, they're clean.
Well, not clean. There's some gnarly snaps,
but, uh, not the one we're looking for.
So, I guess some things will always be a mystery.
Hey, what's your background, C.O. Luschek?
Uh... mostly Scottish.
Some French fur traders way back.
No. I mean, how did you end up here?
Oh, uh, you know, attrition.
It's just [sighs]
you should so clearly be working at a GameStop.
♪♪
[man on P.A.] Need an escort to strip shack "A"
escort to strip shack "A."
Whoa! Are you for real, Flores?
The fuck did I tell you?
Oh, man. I don't remember.
[man on P.A.] Program administrator, pick up three.
Get on it.
I said get up on the table, inmate!
Now, you're gonna stand there and you're gonna think about
all the decisions that you've been making.
Does that mean I don't have to go back to work?
No. You're not going anywhere.
Your job is to stand [slams hands] on this table
until you're ready to quit dicking me around.
Call me all the Spanish names you want, mami.
We'll see how you feel when your knees start to give.
[snaps fingers]
[birds chirping]
Morning.
Coffee.
Careful, it's hot.
I microwaved it.
[sighs]
Problem?
No, no.
Good. Get dressed.
Hmm, let's see.
Maybe... pink today?
Yes?
Mm-hmm.
[sighs]
Hey, Ramos.
I have something for you.
No, thanks. I'm cool.
Come in for a minute.
I got to be back at the warehouse
to get some towels and stuff for down the hill.
[seatbelt clicks]
It's your game.
The one you were talking about with your friend.
I thought we could play.
This is disgusting.
You're the one who made it up.
What, I thought you'd got a kick out of it.
Well, I don't.
[Humphrey] You got to pick one.
You can't make me do this.
I think you're forgetting your situation.
My situation is you don't got nothing on me now.
Look around. You're not gonna find one thing.
[gun cocks] [gasps]
Gun to your head.
[whimpers]
[Alex] It might not be Shake Shack,
but it's 100% guilt free.
Here's to the off-brand spam sandwich of righteousness.
Cheers.
You know what?
Fuck righteousness.
You make a valid point.
Mm.
Uh, so here's the thing.
I'm gonna get clean.
Okay.
[women speaking indistinctly]
[radio chatter]
[buzzer]
[indistinct conversations]
I mean, sure.
It's a little Abu Ghriab-y.
But... sure.
Just came to me. Spur of the moment like.
We're gonna have to ride this out now.
For how long?
Till she promises to behave.
I give it till dinnertime tops.
I don't know, dude.
I feel like you might've made a mistake.
[Warrior Queen "Fuck You"]
♪ Fuck you a lenky cocky you a carry ♪
♪ Fuck you already and you don't know me sorry yow ♪
♪ Fuck you you just full a mouth chat ♪
♪ Full a mouth hype and can't defend dat, boy ♪
♪ Fuck you a lenky cocky you a carry ♪
♪ Fuck you already and me don't know me sorry yow ♪
♪ Fuck you you just full a mouth chat ♪
♪ Full a mouth hype and can't defend dat ♪
♪ Have you ever sit you man pon a chair ♪
♪ And ride the cocky like me just don't care ♪
[singing indistinctly]
♪ Hold me batty jaws tight you all a root out him hair ♪
♪ It make the pussy blister boy you make the pussy tear ♪
♪ Yo it's real fucking man ♪
♪ That's real fuck scare ♪
♪ That's the way it should be you know ♪
♪ All through the year ♪
♪ A boy can't fuck me tell him loud and clear ♪
♪ Fuck you, a lenky cocky you a carry ♪
♪ Fuck you already and you don't know me sorry yow ♪
♪ Fuck you you just full of fuck chat ♪
♪ Full a mouth hype and can't defend dat boy ♪
[song ends]