1 00:00:05,787 --> 00:00:08,288 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 2 00:00:14,895 --> 00:00:16,728 (GAVEL BANGING) 3 00:00:16,730 --> 00:00:19,664 MARWOOD: The House will come to order for a roll call vote 4 00:00:19,666 --> 00:00:22,701 on the matter of who will be the President of the United States. 5 00:00:22,703 --> 00:00:25,036 Senator William O'Brien from Arizona... 6 00:00:25,038 --> 00:00:27,939 All right, here we go. Alabama first in the alphabet, 7 00:00:27,941 --> 00:00:29,740 last in every other fucking thing. 8 00:00:29,742 --> 00:00:32,143 I believe it's number one in easiest state 9 00:00:32,145 --> 00:00:35,079 - to get away with murdering a black guy. - Come on, come on. 10 00:00:35,081 --> 00:00:38,549 SEFTON: Alabama casts its vote for President Selina Meyer. 11 00:00:38,551 --> 00:00:40,084 That's my town! 12 00:00:40,086 --> 00:00:42,052 Ooh, bam-a-lama ding dong! 13 00:00:42,054 --> 00:00:43,787 Yeah... oh, Catherine. 14 00:00:43,789 --> 00:00:46,823 Would you please give it a rest with that camera? 15 00:00:46,825 --> 00:00:49,259 CATHERINE: My name is Catherine Meyer. 16 00:00:49,261 --> 00:00:52,162 I've spent my entire life in the public eye. 17 00:00:52,164 --> 00:00:54,897 While the public will always remember me as the little girl 18 00:00:54,899 --> 00:00:57,601 who fell off the stage twice in one evening, 19 00:00:57,603 --> 00:01:01,438 I'm a grown woman now with my own passions and interests. 20 00:01:03,174 --> 00:01:05,574 One of the biggest things that ever happened in my life 21 00:01:05,576 --> 00:01:08,744 and my family's life happened when the House of Representatives 22 00:01:08,746 --> 00:01:11,447 voted to decide the presidency of the United States 23 00:01:11,449 --> 00:01:14,450 for the first time in 140 years. 24 00:01:14,452 --> 00:01:16,885 Almost two months to the day earlier, 25 00:01:16,887 --> 00:01:19,255 the American people voted for president, 26 00:01:19,257 --> 00:01:22,957 but that night ended in an historic electoral college tie 27 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:27,995 between Senator Bill O'Brien and the sitting president Selina Meyer, my mom. 28 00:01:27,997 --> 00:01:30,165 It meant that the House of Representatives 29 00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:33,168 needed to vote to break the tie and choose a president. 30 00:01:33,170 --> 00:01:36,304 My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister. 31 00:01:36,306 --> 00:01:39,406 Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest. 32 00:01:43,279 --> 00:01:45,279 CATHERINE: In order to tell this story, 33 00:01:45,281 --> 00:01:47,281 I have to go back to where it all began, 34 00:01:47,283 --> 00:01:50,417 the day after the presidential election was tied. 35 00:01:52,288 --> 00:01:54,887 I do not give my consent to have my likeness 36 00:01:54,889 --> 00:01:56,755 appear in this or any other film. 37 00:01:56,757 --> 00:01:58,691 SUE: The president will see you now. 38 00:01:58,693 --> 00:02:01,260 CATHERINE: I set out to make a film about the tie, 39 00:02:01,262 --> 00:02:03,028 but somewhere along the way, 40 00:02:03,030 --> 00:02:05,864 I ended up discovering something about myself. 41 00:02:05,866 --> 00:02:10,336 I'm gonna have to have approval over all of this footage, Catherine, okay? 42 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,170 Okay, we can talk about that after. 43 00:02:12,172 --> 00:02:13,505 CATHERINE: When did you first know 44 00:02:13,507 --> 00:02:15,574 that you wanted to be president? 45 00:02:15,576 --> 00:02:17,242 SELINA: It was 1973. 46 00:02:17,244 --> 00:02:19,177 - Catherine, out. - I was a very little girl 47 00:02:19,179 --> 00:02:22,080 and Mother wasn't "feeling well." 48 00:02:22,082 --> 00:02:25,350 Daddy asked me to be his date 49 00:02:25,352 --> 00:02:28,086 for President Nixon's inaugural ball. 50 00:02:28,088 --> 00:02:32,723 Daddy did a lot of business with Bebe Rebozo. 51 00:02:32,725 --> 00:02:36,093 President Nixon entered the room 52 00:02:36,095 --> 00:02:40,664 and, you know, he had his bow tie 53 00:02:40,666 --> 00:02:43,800 and his eyebrows. 54 00:02:43,802 --> 00:02:47,069 Daddy leaned in to me and he said, 55 00:02:47,071 --> 00:02:51,006 "You know, a lot of people don't like Nixon, 56 00:02:51,008 --> 00:02:54,377 but by God, they respect him. 57 00:02:54,379 --> 00:02:56,446 And that's you, peanut." 58 00:03:03,654 --> 00:03:05,254 - MARWOOD: Delaware? - Come on, come on. 59 00:03:05,256 --> 00:03:08,724 Delaware votes for President Selina Meyer. 60 00:03:08,726 --> 00:03:11,693 - Oh! - I don't want to jinx things, guys, 61 00:03:11,695 --> 00:03:13,795 but I think maybe we should start making our list 62 00:03:13,797 --> 00:03:15,631 of who I'm going to punish when I win. 63 00:03:15,633 --> 00:03:17,532 - Where are you? - I don't know. 64 00:03:17,534 --> 00:03:20,134 I went home with a congressional fan girl last night. 65 00:03:20,136 --> 00:03:21,935 I don't have my car. I think I'm in Maryland. 66 00:03:21,937 --> 00:03:23,771 Well, first of all, sir, congratulations are in order. 67 00:03:23,773 --> 00:03:25,939 Shh! She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up, 68 00:03:25,941 --> 00:03:27,875 the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom. 69 00:03:27,877 --> 00:03:30,043 - Has the vote started yet? - Yes, Delaware just voted. 70 00:03:30,045 --> 00:03:32,647 Shit. Shit. Okay, you gotta come get me. 71 00:03:32,649 --> 00:03:34,415 Okay, just drop a pin in Apple Maps and... 72 00:03:34,417 --> 00:03:36,083 I don't know how to drop a fucking pin. 73 00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:37,651 Well, it's a really intuitive feature. 74 00:03:37,653 --> 00:03:39,786 - Do you have iOS 9.2.3? - Shut up. 75 00:03:39,788 --> 00:03:42,088 Bring me a change of clothes and come and get me. 76 00:03:42,090 --> 00:03:44,957 CATHERINE: The day after the tie, the stock markets crashed, 77 00:03:44,959 --> 00:03:48,094 but my mom did everything she could to get them back on track. 78 00:03:48,096 --> 00:03:51,398 This afternoon, I asked Tom James 79 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,401 to do his country the honor of stepping up to serve as economy czar 80 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:58,870 and to my absolute delight, he said yes. 81 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,373 TOM: Did you ever play sports? 82 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,909 Remember how no one ever wanted to play catcher? 83 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:07,713 Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar. 84 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:10,782 There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting. 85 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:13,117 A lot of asses in your face. 86 00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:14,977 CATHERINE: Thank you so much, Senator James. 87 00:04:15,002 --> 00:04:15,886 You're very welcome. 88 00:04:15,888 --> 00:04:18,923 - How's it going? - It's going very well, thanks. 89 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,492 - And Bob's your uncle. - Knock, knock, future calling. 90 00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:23,528 Cheese, please, Louise. 91 00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,530 Gentlemen, you know the first daughter. 92 00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:26,315 We do. 93 00:04:26,341 --> 00:04:28,665 She's interviewing me for a college project. 94 00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,500 No, it's a doc. 95 00:04:30,502 --> 00:04:33,704 Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad. 96 00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,706 CATHERINE: What do you think of the electoral tie? 97 00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:38,041 You know, at night when I dare to close my eyes, 98 00:04:38,043 --> 00:04:40,344 I dream about your mother losing 99 00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:42,879 and then coming upon her holding a cardboard sign 100 00:04:42,881 --> 00:04:44,580 at the bottom of a highway exit ramp. 101 00:04:44,582 --> 00:04:46,582 Now, if I were Tom James, I would just try 102 00:04:46,584 --> 00:04:49,184 to get three states to abstain and then it would go to the Senate, 103 00:04:49,186 --> 00:04:51,220 serving the president the most abject humiliation 104 00:04:51,222 --> 00:04:52,888 in the history of the United States. 105 00:04:52,890 --> 00:04:54,690 Oh, you know what the cardboard sign says? 106 00:04:54,692 --> 00:04:56,191 What does it say? 107 00:04:56,193 --> 00:04:58,861 It says, "I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson." 108 00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:00,863 CATHERINE: What if you lose the presidency? 109 00:05:00,865 --> 00:05:02,597 Well, I'll tell you something, 110 00:05:02,599 --> 00:05:05,099 you can't think that way. 111 00:05:05,101 --> 00:05:07,034 That's what Mother always said. 112 00:05:07,036 --> 00:05:09,838 When you have those kinds of negative feelings, 113 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:13,708 you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box 114 00:05:13,710 --> 00:05:17,245 and you close it down tight and you take that box 115 00:05:17,247 --> 00:05:19,580 and you shove it way back here in your... 116 00:05:19,582 --> 00:05:23,450 in the corner of your head and swallow that key. 117 00:05:23,452 --> 00:05:26,286 And then, poof, they're gone. 118 00:05:26,288 --> 00:05:29,356 And then that's it. And it works, too, sweetie. 119 00:05:29,358 --> 00:05:31,725 That's something that Mother told me that works. 120 00:05:31,727 --> 00:05:35,128 Okay, you pour the hot water into the pot, all right? 121 00:05:35,130 --> 00:05:36,929 Swirl it around a bit. 122 00:05:36,931 --> 00:05:39,565 And then you pour it out, okay? 123 00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:40,933 That's called hot in the pot. 124 00:05:40,935 --> 00:05:42,468 Now this is a special blend I've got. 125 00:05:42,470 --> 00:05:43,870 It's got chamomile and rose hips 126 00:05:43,872 --> 00:05:45,405 and some other little special ingredients 127 00:05:45,407 --> 00:05:46,839 that I'm not gonna tell you on camera. 128 00:05:46,841 --> 00:05:48,508 CATHERINE: Um, my question was 129 00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:51,176 what's your take on the financial crisis. 130 00:05:51,178 --> 00:05:53,512 Oh. 131 00:05:53,514 --> 00:05:56,080 I just think they ran out of money. 132 00:05:56,082 --> 00:05:57,916 They should probably just print more. 133 00:05:57,918 --> 00:05:59,484 I don't know why it's been such a big issue. 134 00:05:59,486 --> 00:06:02,287 Okay, guys, when are we gonna fire Mike, by the way? 135 00:06:02,289 --> 00:06:06,525 Because it is seriously just one fuckup after fuckup with him. 136 00:06:06,527 --> 00:06:08,026 Yeah, right after the inauguration, 137 00:06:08,028 --> 00:06:10,694 we'll show Mr. McShittock the door. 138 00:06:10,696 --> 00:06:12,963 CATHERINE: Hey. 139 00:06:12,965 --> 00:06:14,298 Hi. 140 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:15,566 I love my job. 141 00:06:15,568 --> 00:06:17,334 Oh, my God, I want to do it forever. 142 00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:19,036 Especially because this is the kind of job 143 00:06:19,038 --> 00:06:21,171 that I've gotten better at every year. 144 00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:22,740 And it's also the kind of job 145 00:06:22,742 --> 00:06:24,875 that you need to be fast on your feet. 146 00:06:24,877 --> 00:06:27,109 You need to be quick and you need to sort of, 147 00:06:27,111 --> 00:06:31,147 uh, I don't even know what the word is. 148 00:06:31,149 --> 00:06:33,382 We're in the process of converting the guest bedroom 149 00:06:33,384 --> 00:06:36,218 into a nursery for our arriving Chinese angel. 150 00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:39,288 And Ta-da! We went with a Winnie the Pooh knockoff. 151 00:06:39,290 --> 00:06:41,858 It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home. 152 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,859 I think he's called Happy Sun Bear. 153 00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:45,928 So much cheaper. And we've checked the room for lead, 154 00:06:45,930 --> 00:06:48,697 so there's... actually, I need... I'm supposed to check... 155 00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:52,000 I have to get a guy to check the room for lead, but we will check for lead. 156 00:06:52,002 --> 00:06:53,936 CATHERINE: In mid-November, my mom's team 157 00:06:53,938 --> 00:06:55,904 challenged the vote totals in Nevada, 158 00:06:55,906 --> 00:06:58,640 which meant the tie might not be a tie any longer. 159 00:06:58,642 --> 00:07:00,375 - I've changed my mind. - About what? 160 00:07:00,377 --> 00:07:02,309 Send me to Nevada. I want the job. 161 00:07:02,311 --> 00:07:05,145 Oh, but so does Candi Caruso. 162 00:07:05,147 --> 00:07:07,381 And even though, and I quote, 163 00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:12,086 the fact that I'm a woman means we will no longer have any women presidents 164 00:07:12,088 --> 00:07:14,254 because we've already tried one and she fucking sucked. 165 00:07:14,256 --> 00:07:18,024 Please, please, please. 166 00:07:19,595 --> 00:07:21,194 Well, I'll give you this... 167 00:07:21,196 --> 00:07:24,030 Candi Caruso would not eat this amount of shit. 168 00:07:24,032 --> 00:07:26,065 Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall 169 00:07:26,067 --> 00:07:27,767 and used the old two-fingered wood chipper. 170 00:07:27,769 --> 00:07:30,269 Why would I want to stand next to a twig 171 00:07:30,271 --> 00:07:32,338 like that all day when I can stand next to you? 172 00:07:32,340 --> 00:07:35,140 CATHERINE: What would you do if you lost? 173 00:07:35,142 --> 00:07:37,109 You keep harping on this. 174 00:07:37,111 --> 00:07:39,678 But I'll tell you something, I have lost elections. 175 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,381 I lost the first time that I ran for Congress. 176 00:07:42,383 --> 00:07:44,583 They called me Selina Vanderbilt 177 00:07:44,585 --> 00:07:47,052 as if the Vanderbilts had any money left. 178 00:07:47,054 --> 00:07:51,589 Anyway, after that, you know, I went to Arizona to a spa 179 00:07:51,591 --> 00:07:53,725 and I took stock 180 00:07:53,727 --> 00:07:55,727 and I asked myself some tough questions... 181 00:07:55,729 --> 00:07:59,463 Wait, is that when you had your nervous breakdown? 182 00:07:59,465 --> 00:08:03,401 No, no, I did not... no, I went to a spa, sweetie. 183 00:08:03,403 --> 00:08:05,570 No, when Rosa had to take care of me 184 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:07,872 because you went to a mental hospital. 185 00:08:07,874 --> 00:08:10,874 No, darling, I didn't go to a mental hospital. 186 00:08:10,876 --> 00:08:12,709 I went to a spa. 187 00:08:12,711 --> 00:08:15,612 Is this how this is all going to be in your movie? 188 00:08:15,614 --> 00:08:18,214 MARWOOD: Massachusetts votes for Selina Meyer. 189 00:08:18,216 --> 00:08:20,283 - 11-10, O'Brien. - I just talked to Furlong. 190 00:08:20,285 --> 00:08:22,653 He said everything's under control plus a bunch of stuff 191 00:08:22,655 --> 00:08:24,555 about assholes and jizz and my pretty mouth. 192 00:08:24,557 --> 00:08:26,756 Richard, where is Jonah? 193 00:08:26,758 --> 00:08:29,391 - Morning! - Shut the fuck up, Richard. 194 00:08:29,393 --> 00:08:31,894 Well, you can't scream that in this neighborhood. 195 00:08:31,896 --> 00:08:35,364 I couldn't find my clothes. I had to get this out of her dad's closet. 196 00:08:35,366 --> 00:08:37,633 She already told me she was a senior at Georgetown. 197 00:08:37,635 --> 00:08:39,602 Turns out she meant Georgetown Day School. 198 00:08:39,604 --> 00:08:41,537 - Oh. - She's on the math team. 199 00:08:41,539 --> 00:08:43,705 - Are you filming me? - Might be a crime. 200 00:08:43,707 --> 00:08:47,375 Oh, yeah, Catherine asked me to help assist her with documenting the vote. 201 00:08:47,377 --> 00:08:49,611 Plus she taught me how to make sure the camera is on. 202 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:52,346 Oh, okay, good, well, then on this historic day... 203 00:08:52,348 --> 00:08:54,449 - Also, the president's on the line. - Oh, motherfuck. 204 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,284 - SELINA: Jonah, can you hear me? - Yes, ma'am. 205 00:08:56,286 --> 00:09:00,253 You listen to me, all right? You are already dead. 206 00:09:00,255 --> 00:09:03,791 What you do now you do for your family. 207 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,660 You get yourself in there and you vote for me! 208 00:09:06,662 --> 00:09:11,364 Is my entire presidency about to have its neck snapped by Congressman Lennie here? 209 00:09:11,366 --> 00:09:14,234 Call all friendlies. Let's slow this thing down. 210 00:09:14,236 --> 00:09:17,470 The great state of Michigan 211 00:09:17,472 --> 00:09:20,707 would like to cast its vote. 212 00:09:20,709 --> 00:09:23,876 But first, let us pray. 213 00:09:23,878 --> 00:09:25,778 CATHERINE: My mom lost the Nevada recount, 214 00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:28,648 but that was overshadowed by some terrible news. 215 00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:30,249 My dear mee-maw died. 216 00:09:30,251 --> 00:09:32,451 (SHOUTING) This is the Oval Office. 217 00:09:32,453 --> 00:09:35,921 GARY: Wow, three generations of Meyer women. 218 00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:38,523 It's like the best episode of "Falcon Crest" ever. 219 00:09:38,525 --> 00:09:41,660 Mother, this right here 220 00:09:41,662 --> 00:09:44,129 is the Resolute desk. 221 00:09:44,131 --> 00:09:46,331 And it was used by FDR 222 00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:49,367 and now by me, Mother, your daughter. 223 00:09:51,437 --> 00:09:55,072 I do hope you'll wait till your hair grows 224 00:09:55,074 --> 00:09:57,341 to have your portrait painted. 225 00:09:59,646 --> 00:10:01,211 This has been fun. 226 00:10:01,213 --> 00:10:02,947 - She looks like a boy. - Okay. 227 00:10:02,949 --> 00:10:07,151 It doesn't seem that deep. Look. 228 00:10:07,153 --> 00:10:08,852 Oh, yeah, that's not that deep. 229 00:10:08,854 --> 00:10:11,387 Excuse me, should this be deeper? 230 00:10:11,389 --> 00:10:12,889 CATHERINE: Have you ever lost a grandparent? 231 00:10:12,891 --> 00:10:15,525 All my grandparents are dead. 232 00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:17,293 Wait. Um, no. 233 00:10:17,295 --> 00:10:19,462 One or two might still be alive. 234 00:10:19,464 --> 00:10:22,298 - Hey. - Hey. 235 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:24,500 Good to be back in good old DC, 236 00:10:24,502 --> 00:10:26,334 away from the greed, the money, and the hookers. 237 00:10:26,336 --> 00:10:28,904 - (LAUGHS) Listen, um... - (PHONE CHIMING) 238 00:10:28,906 --> 00:10:30,839 ...so, if you're not doing anything later... 239 00:10:30,841 --> 00:10:34,609 Jesus fucking Christ. You got to tell your sister to stop calling me. 240 00:10:34,611 --> 00:10:36,745 (CHIMING CONTINUES) 241 00:10:36,747 --> 00:10:40,348 Hmm. Hey, girl. 242 00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:43,384 So now as a person in politics under 40, 243 00:10:43,386 --> 00:10:45,653 you just... wait, cut. 244 00:10:45,655 --> 00:10:49,256 CATHERINE: Actually, I'm the one that's supposed to say cut. 245 00:10:49,258 --> 00:10:51,926 No, no, no, I'm saying it because we're starting that over. 246 00:10:51,928 --> 00:10:54,128 Ready? Action. 247 00:10:54,130 --> 00:10:58,265 As a person in politics who's younger than most of her... cut, cut. 248 00:10:58,267 --> 00:11:00,533 - No, Amy, please don't actually say... - Action. 249 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:03,670 We were really disappointed about the Chinese adoption sanctions. 250 00:11:03,672 --> 00:11:06,239 That... but on the bright side, 251 00:11:06,241 --> 00:11:08,675 I turned the nursery into a man cave for me. 252 00:11:08,677 --> 00:11:12,378 I mean, surround sound, 55-inch television screen. 253 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,881 It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out. 254 00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:18,550 I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna... 255 00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,953 possibly like it. 256 00:11:20,955 --> 00:11:23,081 CATHERINE: Do you like working at the White House? 257 00:11:23,106 --> 00:11:23,790 I do, yes. 258 00:11:23,791 --> 00:11:26,117 Have you enjoyed working for the president? 259 00:11:26,142 --> 00:11:26,892 Yes. 260 00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:29,294 - Were you ever frightened for your life? - No. 261 00:11:29,296 --> 00:11:31,722 Are you really ready to take a bullet for the president? 262 00:11:31,748 --> 00:11:32,532 Yes. 263 00:11:32,533 --> 00:11:34,632 - Have you ever killed a man? - Can't say. 264 00:11:34,634 --> 00:11:36,868 Do you think my mom's a good president? 265 00:11:39,606 --> 00:11:42,173 - Yes. - That was perfect. 266 00:11:42,175 --> 00:11:43,444 Everybody else that I've interviewed just 267 00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:44,743 talks about themselves all the time and... 268 00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:47,411 Um, would you like to have dinner with me sometime? 269 00:11:47,413 --> 00:11:49,347 Oh, yeah, I... I would love that. 270 00:11:49,349 --> 00:11:52,349 I should say that... you know that I'm not gay? 271 00:11:52,351 --> 00:11:54,551 - Really? - Yeah. Well, I... 272 00:11:54,553 --> 00:11:56,754 - I didn't mean that to come across... - No, it didn't. 273 00:11:56,756 --> 00:11:59,890 You know, it's just I assumed just because, 274 00:11:59,892 --> 00:12:02,159 you know, the way you dress and stare at me. 275 00:12:02,161 --> 00:12:04,094 Well, I mean, I like guys. 276 00:12:04,096 --> 00:12:06,630 CATHERINE: The Thanksgiving death of Congressman Harry Sherman 277 00:12:06,632 --> 00:12:10,133 put the key state of New Hampshire back in play for the House vote. 278 00:12:10,135 --> 00:12:14,070 I followed candidate Jonah Ryan as he campaigned in his home state. 279 00:12:14,072 --> 00:12:17,306 How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clit, son. 280 00:12:17,308 --> 00:12:18,407 - Hey! - What? 281 00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:19,976 This is an elementary school! 282 00:12:19,978 --> 00:12:22,311 Watch your spewing mouth, you animal! 283 00:12:22,313 --> 00:12:23,979 Hey, you are gonna pay for that. 284 00:12:23,981 --> 00:12:25,480 - That is assault. - Out. Out. 285 00:12:25,482 --> 00:12:27,048 That is assault. You are witnesses. 286 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,950 - This is assault! - Right now, get out. 287 00:12:28,952 --> 00:12:31,820 Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan. 288 00:12:31,822 --> 00:12:33,989 (GRUNTS) Ah, fuck. 289 00:12:33,991 --> 00:12:37,492 Mothercunt. Piece of shit. 290 00:12:37,494 --> 00:12:39,327 Fuck you. Fuck you. 291 00:12:40,430 --> 00:12:42,629 Ah, fuck. 292 00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:44,165 Careful. Careful. Careful. 293 00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:46,834 I think the problem is that you lack upper body strength. 294 00:12:46,836 --> 00:12:48,202 - Oh! - (AXE THUDS) 295 00:12:48,204 --> 00:12:49,904 Why am I even chopping the fucking wood? 296 00:12:49,906 --> 00:12:51,471 It's the 21st century. 297 00:12:51,473 --> 00:12:53,373 We don't even use this shit anymore. 298 00:12:56,145 --> 00:12:57,744 Worked fine. 299 00:12:57,746 --> 00:13:01,080 Ah, and I grew up right here 300 00:13:01,082 --> 00:13:03,149 in the awesome state of New Hampshire. 301 00:13:03,151 --> 00:13:06,419 I hitched my wagon to a shooting star named Jonah Ryan. 302 00:13:06,421 --> 00:13:08,154 Well, maybe I should say comet 303 00:13:08,156 --> 00:13:10,556 because shooting stars burn out and he never will. 304 00:13:10,558 --> 00:13:13,459 The only downside is that I'll probably have to miss 305 00:13:13,461 --> 00:13:15,961 my Gilbert & Sullivan Society annual show. 306 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,696 You know, operetta is my passion. 307 00:13:17,698 --> 00:13:21,834 ♪ If you want to know who we are ♪ 308 00:13:21,836 --> 00:13:26,104 ♪ We are gentlemen of Japan... ♪ 309 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,876 ...home to Motown, 310 00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:35,546 aka Hitsville USA, 311 00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:38,682 would like to cast its vote 312 00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:41,819 for President Selina... 313 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,322 Catherine Meyer. 314 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,390 Michigan votes for Selina Meyer. 315 00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:48,859 - Jesus, Richard, please drive faster. - MARWOOD: Minnesota? 316 00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:51,328 - If you held the camera... - I'm not gonna hold the camera, Richard. 317 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,529 - How would I be on the camera... - (TIRES SCREECH, CRASHES) 318 00:13:53,531 --> 00:13:54,223 (KIDS SCREAM) 319 00:13:54,248 --> 00:13:56,299 Jesus Christ, Richard! You could have killed me. 320 00:13:56,301 --> 00:13:58,001 Can't you do two simple things at once? 321 00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,936 I just thank God I didn't hit those schoolchildren. 322 00:13:59,938 --> 00:14:02,205 Who gives a fuck about them? Go! Go! 323 00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:04,507 - (IGNITION CLICKING) - Well, actually, the car won't start. 324 00:14:04,509 --> 00:14:07,243 - Maybe call an Uber. - We can't call an Uber. 325 00:14:07,245 --> 00:14:09,778 I've been banned for life because I have a low rating. 326 00:14:09,780 --> 00:14:11,914 Missouri abstains from the vote. 327 00:14:11,916 --> 00:14:13,849 - Missouri abstained? - Abstained? 328 00:14:13,851 --> 00:14:16,151 This is Tom and he's making a move 329 00:14:16,153 --> 00:14:18,040 like some kind of grand fucking chess master. 330 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:18,821 SELINA: Right. 331 00:14:18,822 --> 00:14:22,324 Stalemate his endgame. Shades of Karpov versus Kasparov. 332 00:14:22,326 --> 00:14:24,792 - Oh, who's that for, Kent? - MIKE: Guys, Missouri's gonna abstain. 333 00:14:24,794 --> 00:14:26,995 Tom just needs to make sure that no one gets to 26 334 00:14:26,997 --> 00:14:29,364 and then get his buddy Marwood to make sure there's not another vote. 335 00:14:29,366 --> 00:14:31,399 - BEN: That's it. - Where is Jonah, folks? 336 00:14:31,401 --> 00:14:33,601 Motherfucker! They're taking a Lyft now? 337 00:14:33,603 --> 00:14:36,371 (MUSIC PLAYING) 338 00:14:36,373 --> 00:14:39,040 - CATHERINE: Time to wake up. - Stop. 339 00:14:39,042 --> 00:14:42,109 - You big lesbo. - (CATHERINE LAUGHS) 340 00:14:42,111 --> 00:14:44,778 And what's it to you? I think it's time to wake up. 341 00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:47,814 CATHERINE: Suddenly everything in my life made sense. 342 00:14:47,816 --> 00:14:49,482 DAN: Actually, I got a question for you. 343 00:14:49,484 --> 00:14:52,052 Is it weird going hallway to hallway 344 00:14:52,054 --> 00:14:54,821 - with your mom's twin? - What? 345 00:14:54,823 --> 00:14:57,623 To... never mind. 346 00:14:57,625 --> 00:15:00,726 CATHERINE: Do you think about what you'll do if my mother doesn't win? 347 00:15:00,728 --> 00:15:03,495 God, I have no idea. What else am I gonna do? 348 00:15:03,497 --> 00:15:05,131 Go out and see the world? 349 00:15:05,133 --> 00:15:08,801 I don't even like looking out my window, so... 350 00:15:08,803 --> 00:15:11,304 I really... I don't know. 351 00:15:11,306 --> 00:15:14,105 Ben, you home. 352 00:15:14,107 --> 00:15:15,740 It's the spouse. 353 00:15:15,742 --> 00:15:18,310 Hey, sweetie. Hi. 354 00:15:18,312 --> 00:15:22,113 Um, Joyce, this is the president's daughter Catherine. 355 00:15:22,115 --> 00:15:24,182 Catherine, this is my wife Joyce. 356 00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,551 - Nice to meet you. - What a surprise. 357 00:15:26,553 --> 00:15:28,514 I thought you and the kids were on vacation this week. 358 00:15:28,540 --> 00:15:29,621 Yeah, that was last month. 359 00:15:29,622 --> 00:15:32,589 BEN: Joyce, she took care of me after my third heart attack. 360 00:15:32,591 --> 00:15:35,326 My second wife was a nurse as well. 361 00:15:35,328 --> 00:15:37,627 I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh? 362 00:15:37,629 --> 00:15:39,964 Yeah, but I his best nurse. 363 00:15:39,966 --> 00:15:43,300 These Precious Moments figurines are a very good investment. 364 00:15:43,302 --> 00:15:44,701 Would you care for a drink? 365 00:15:44,703 --> 00:15:47,737 Hi, yeah, I'm trying to reach Charlie Baird. 366 00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:49,672 This is a friend of his, Gary Walsh. 367 00:15:49,674 --> 00:15:53,009 Oh, what's the... what is this concerning? 368 00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:54,810 Um, hanging out? 369 00:15:54,812 --> 00:15:57,347 _ 370 00:15:57,349 --> 00:15:58,881 _ 371 00:15:58,883 --> 00:16:03,252 _ 372 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,087 These are my compatriots. 373 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:08,223 We are a historically Spanish-speaking motorcycle club 374 00:16:08,225 --> 00:16:12,827 which has been under a great deal of unfair legal scrutiny lately. 375 00:16:12,829 --> 00:16:15,530 This is our president, El Cabeza. 376 00:16:15,532 --> 00:16:17,832 Hola, chica. ¿Cómo estás? 377 00:16:17,834 --> 00:16:19,601 (MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH) 378 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,236 _ 379 00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,731 _ 380 00:16:23,772 --> 00:16:25,806 KENT: I find that my involvement in the club 381 00:16:25,808 --> 00:16:28,042 keeps the internecine skirmishes 382 00:16:28,044 --> 00:16:29,943 of Washington in perspective. 383 00:16:32,148 --> 00:16:34,948 - (PHONE RINGS) - Yello. 384 00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:37,651 - Hey, how far out are you? - We're at security. 385 00:16:37,653 --> 00:16:40,120 Get the Hunchback of Notre Hampshire down to the floor. 386 00:16:40,122 --> 00:16:42,522 Well, we've reached a little bit of a kerfuffle. 387 00:16:42,524 --> 00:16:44,491 I'd say even more of a kerfuffle. 388 00:16:44,493 --> 00:16:46,259 Like a snafu approaching quagmire. 389 00:16:46,261 --> 00:16:48,461 Jonah Ryan. Just Google me. Google me. 390 00:16:48,463 --> 00:16:50,997 - Come on, fucking Google me. - Calm down, sir. 391 00:16:50,999 --> 00:16:52,065 Jesus Christ. 392 00:16:53,335 --> 00:16:56,435 - Hey! - No! 393 00:16:56,437 --> 00:16:58,404 We're hanging on by a thread, but if everyone votes 394 00:16:58,406 --> 00:17:00,272 the way we think they're gonna vote, we'll win. 395 00:17:00,274 --> 00:17:02,241 Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence 396 00:17:02,243 --> 00:17:04,743 I've heard since "It's okay, it's just the tip." 397 00:17:04,745 --> 00:17:06,678 It's looking tighter than Will's own butthole 398 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,280 when he's got his finger jammed up there 399 00:17:08,282 --> 00:17:10,582 watching "Bad News Bears" while he jerks off. 400 00:17:10,584 --> 00:17:13,351 - How tight is that, Will? - It's very tight, sir. 401 00:17:13,353 --> 00:17:15,719 Yeah, but I wouldn't take down the tampon dispenser 402 00:17:15,721 --> 00:17:17,488 in the Oval Office bathroom just yet. 403 00:17:17,490 --> 00:17:19,657 CATHERINE: How will you feel if my mom loses? 404 00:17:19,659 --> 00:17:22,226 If your mom loses? I'll miss her. 405 00:17:22,228 --> 00:17:24,128 She's a pretty classy lady. 406 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,197 She's the only person in this town who really gets me. 407 00:17:26,199 --> 00:17:29,600 Oh, so I will see you tomorrow night. 408 00:17:29,602 --> 00:17:31,268 - Yes. - Yes, indeed. 409 00:17:31,270 --> 00:17:33,002 CATHERINE: As the vote got closer, 410 00:17:33,004 --> 00:17:35,872 the tension in the White House ratcheted up even further. 411 00:17:35,874 --> 00:17:37,607 Run. 412 00:17:37,609 --> 00:17:39,809 Door. 413 00:17:39,811 --> 00:17:42,679 So what the fuck is Tom up to? 414 00:17:48,686 --> 00:17:51,019 Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry. 415 00:17:53,224 --> 00:17:55,057 Yes? 416 00:17:55,059 --> 00:17:58,961 I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me. 417 00:17:58,963 --> 00:18:01,197 Not today. 418 00:18:01,199 --> 00:18:02,664 Okay. 419 00:18:05,602 --> 00:18:08,903 Guys, Mike is a moron. Jesus Christ! 420 00:18:08,905 --> 00:18:10,980 I can't wait until after the inauguration. 421 00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:11,672 BEN: No. 422 00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:14,309 I'm sure he's an inspiration to other slow adults, 423 00:18:14,311 --> 00:18:15,977 but it's enough already with Mike. 424 00:18:15,979 --> 00:18:17,612 I'll start lining up interviews. 425 00:18:17,614 --> 00:18:19,314 Since the surrogate's pregnant, 426 00:18:19,316 --> 00:18:22,015 we've converted the man cave back into a baby cave. 427 00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:24,318 And this thing here was already hard mounted. 428 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,020 It's pretty solid, so I think I'm just gonna leave it here, you know? 429 00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:29,323 That way, we can play educational stuff for the baby. 430 00:18:29,325 --> 00:18:32,192 You know, Barney, nature films, nothing harmful. 431 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:35,895 Oh, God, check for lead. Note to self. 432 00:18:35,897 --> 00:18:38,564 CATHERINE: So what's up with all the hockey stuff? 433 00:18:38,566 --> 00:18:40,866 - (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTER) 434 00:18:46,674 --> 00:18:49,041 SELINA: Let's go in here. We can talk privately in here, Tom. 435 00:18:49,043 --> 00:18:50,186 (GASPS) Shit. 436 00:18:50,211 --> 00:18:53,613 SELINA: I've been waiting for this for a very long time. 437 00:18:53,615 --> 00:18:56,879 - Okay, how stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? 438 00:18:56,904 --> 00:18:58,049 - CATHERINE: Fuck. 439 00:18:58,051 --> 00:19:00,385 - TOM: All right, I wanted to fuck you! - SELINA: That's right! 440 00:19:00,387 --> 00:19:02,554 And now you're trying to fuck me again tonight. 441 00:19:02,556 --> 00:19:04,422 TOM: No, I am fucking you tonight! 442 00:19:04,424 --> 00:19:07,959 SELINA: No, I'm gonna fuck you! 443 00:19:07,961 --> 00:19:09,356 (SELINA MOANING) 444 00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:13,464 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please. 445 00:19:13,466 --> 00:19:16,333 CATHERINE: Have you thought about what you'll do if my mother loses? 446 00:19:16,335 --> 00:19:18,369 - We'll be fine. - (KNOCKS) 447 00:19:18,371 --> 00:19:19,238 Sorry. 448 00:19:19,263 --> 00:19:21,838 Yeah, hi. It's this couch right here, yeah. 449 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,607 I mean, whether we're in the White House 450 00:19:23,609 --> 00:19:26,243 or we're antiquing in Charleston 451 00:19:26,245 --> 00:19:30,046 or we're on the pink, sandy beaches of Barbuda, 452 00:19:30,048 --> 00:19:32,582 you know, it's like we'll be fine. 453 00:19:32,584 --> 00:19:35,485 - Where do you want this? - Just not here. 454 00:19:35,487 --> 00:19:38,154 We haven't even been to Italy. (CHUCKLES) 455 00:19:38,156 --> 00:19:40,089 My father was a navy guy, 456 00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:42,525 so we travelled the world quite a bit. 457 00:19:42,527 --> 00:19:47,563 I am very excited to be secretary of state. 458 00:19:47,565 --> 00:19:49,498 CATHERINE: What about Congressman Graves? 459 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,734 I thought that he was doing it. 460 00:19:52,736 --> 00:19:53,968 No. 461 00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:56,371 Um... 462 00:19:56,373 --> 00:19:58,773 did I tell you I have a photograph of my father? 463 00:19:58,775 --> 00:20:00,809 - MARWOOD: New Hampshire? - AMY: Where is he? 464 00:20:00,811 --> 00:20:03,911 The state of New Hampshire begs the floor's indulgence. 465 00:20:03,913 --> 00:20:06,013 We are still missing a member of our delegation. 466 00:20:06,015 --> 00:20:07,865 I thought that you said he was at security. 467 00:20:07,891 --> 00:20:08,482 He was. 468 00:20:08,484 --> 00:20:11,085 He's 18 feet tall. How could he have gone missing? 469 00:20:11,087 --> 00:20:12,753 - Jesus. Catherine, move. - Ow! 470 00:20:12,755 --> 00:20:14,722 (PANTING) 471 00:20:15,891 --> 00:20:17,491 Oh, other exit. 472 00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,894 Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no! 473 00:20:21,896 --> 00:20:23,947 Oh, you want it open? Sorry. Okay, I got it. 474 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:24,655 Fuck! 475 00:20:26,635 --> 00:20:28,201 - CATHERINE: I'm so excited. - (KNOCKS) 476 00:20:28,203 --> 00:20:30,303 - Oh! - WOMAN: She's here? Oh. 477 00:20:30,305 --> 00:20:31,871 Hi. 478 00:20:31,873 --> 00:20:35,074 - Hi, Mom. - (SPEAKS CREE) Welcome home. Oh! 479 00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:37,443 - Catherine, this is my mom, my dad. - Hi. 480 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,612 - CATHERINE: Hi. Hi. - Grandma. Grandpa. 481 00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:42,384 This is Catherine Meyer, my, uh, work friend. 482 00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:43,649 CATHERINE: What? 483 00:20:43,651 --> 00:20:44,983 FATHER: Welcome to Montana. 484 00:20:44,985 --> 00:20:48,153 (SOBBING) We had a fight. 485 00:20:50,157 --> 00:20:53,292 I trust the American people to make the right decision. 486 00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:55,760 CATHERINE: What if you think they're gonna make a certain decision 487 00:20:55,762 --> 00:20:58,429 and they make a different decision and then it completely derails 488 00:20:58,431 --> 00:21:00,632 what you thought was gonna happen? 489 00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:03,368 - And then your plans are different. - Oh, honey, don't cry. 490 00:21:03,370 --> 00:21:06,704 Mommy's gonna get elected, honey. 491 00:21:06,706 --> 00:21:09,674 (SOBBING) Marjorie and I broke up. 492 00:21:09,676 --> 00:21:12,542 Oh. Oh. 493 00:21:12,544 --> 00:21:16,480 - That's terrible. - (SOBBING) 494 00:21:16,482 --> 00:21:19,316 - Do you need a tissue? - No, I'm fine. 495 00:21:19,318 --> 00:21:20,950 Yeah, no, you do. 496 00:21:20,952 --> 00:21:24,053 - Honey. Oh, you look terrible! - (SOBBING CONTINUES) 497 00:21:24,055 --> 00:21:26,456 You look terrible. 498 00:21:26,458 --> 00:21:28,091 Oh... 499 00:21:28,093 --> 00:21:29,858 Honey, let me tell you something. 500 00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:34,530 Marjorie is insufferable, okay? 501 00:21:34,532 --> 00:21:39,134 There are other... there are other fish in the sapphic sea, babe. 502 00:21:39,136 --> 00:21:43,339 I mean, seriously, there are more lesbians in the Secret Service, even. 503 00:21:43,341 --> 00:21:45,473 - You feel better? - Yeah, a little bit. 504 00:21:45,475 --> 00:21:47,309 Good girl. Good. Okay, let's get back. 505 00:21:47,311 --> 00:21:50,312 Legacy is not something that I can be concerned with. 506 00:21:50,314 --> 00:21:52,681 I'm laser-focused 507 00:21:52,683 --> 00:21:55,550 on doing the best possible job I can... 508 00:21:55,552 --> 00:21:58,986 - (CATHERINE SOBBING) - ...as president... Catherine. 509 00:21:58,988 --> 00:22:01,489 Not everybody gets to just walk into the Oval. 510 00:22:03,091 --> 00:22:04,591 Madam President. 511 00:22:04,593 --> 00:22:06,760 - Wayne! Hey! - Hey. 512 00:22:06,762 --> 00:22:09,797 What the what? What, are you doing an interview? 513 00:22:09,799 --> 00:22:11,365 Yeah, he is. 514 00:22:11,367 --> 00:22:14,100 - Well, completely slipped my mind. - Okay. 515 00:22:14,102 --> 00:22:16,169 Ma'am, here are the talking points for this afternoon. 516 00:22:16,171 --> 00:22:18,071 Oh, no. Sorry. 517 00:22:18,073 --> 00:22:19,939 Wrong ones. I'll be back. 518 00:22:19,941 --> 00:22:23,876 - See you at poker on Wednesday. - Right. 519 00:22:23,878 --> 00:22:26,412 - (DOOR CLOSES) - So you see what I'm dealing with here. 520 00:22:26,414 --> 00:22:29,716 So you didn't tell him that I'm taking his job yet? 521 00:22:29,718 --> 00:22:31,851 No, that'll be your first press release. 522 00:22:31,853 --> 00:22:33,820 Now that there will be three babies on the way, 523 00:22:33,822 --> 00:22:36,255 we decided to move the kiddos upstairs to the master 524 00:22:36,257 --> 00:22:39,290 and this will be the new love palace. 525 00:22:39,292 --> 00:22:41,926 She gets the dresser and I'll hang those 526 00:22:41,928 --> 00:22:43,962 in the... I don't know where. 527 00:22:43,964 --> 00:22:46,631 The lead, still a problem. 528 00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,800 MAN: Raise your right hand, please. 529 00:22:48,802 --> 00:22:51,737 - MAN #2: I do solemnly swear... - ALL: I do solemnly swear... 530 00:22:51,739 --> 00:22:54,739 ...that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States... 531 00:22:54,741 --> 00:22:58,376 ...that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States... 532 00:23:00,613 --> 00:23:02,346 Vermont abstains from the vote. 533 00:23:02,348 --> 00:23:04,314 Oh, God. 534 00:23:04,316 --> 00:23:06,984 AMY: That's three abstentions. Sorry, ma'am. 535 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,987 What? 536 00:23:09,989 --> 00:23:12,255 Wait, though, isn't there anything that we can do? 537 00:23:12,257 --> 00:23:14,323 No, you'd have to run the table now to win. 538 00:23:14,325 --> 00:23:15,992 There's no way you can get to 26. 539 00:23:15,994 --> 00:23:17,861 - But what if we get Virginia? - You're not gonna get Virginia. 540 00:23:17,863 --> 00:23:19,829 - What if we get West Virginia? - You're not gonna get anything. 541 00:23:19,831 --> 00:23:21,898 Can we give them farm subsidies? 542 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:22,659 Can we... 543 00:23:22,684 --> 00:23:24,934 You can't win, ma'am. You're not gonna be president. 544 00:23:24,936 --> 00:23:28,203 - WOMAN: Virginia votes for Bill O'Brien. - GARY: Ma'am? 545 00:23:28,205 --> 00:23:29,971 MARWOOD: Virginia votes for Bill O'Brien. 546 00:23:29,973 --> 00:23:32,841 - BEN: Oh, Christ. O'Brien's only got 22. - Yeah. 547 00:23:32,843 --> 00:23:35,944 I mean, I don't think even he can get to 26. 548 00:23:35,946 --> 00:23:39,448 Looks like we're looking down the barrel of a Tom James presidency. 549 00:23:39,450 --> 00:23:42,350 Could you explain to me one more time how this whole thing works? 550 00:23:42,352 --> 00:23:44,252 Why is Tom... 551 00:23:44,254 --> 00:23:46,454 CATHERINE: I'm really sorry, Mom. 552 00:23:46,456 --> 00:23:48,022 Hey, don't worry, ma'am. 553 00:23:48,024 --> 00:23:50,925 You can run again in four years, you know? 554 00:23:50,927 --> 00:23:53,528 Not if Tom James is president, I can't. 555 00:23:53,530 --> 00:23:57,331 MAN: ...Washington votes for Bill O'Brien. 556 00:23:57,333 --> 00:23:59,767 MARWOOD: Washington votes for Bill O'Brien. 557 00:24:01,370 --> 00:24:04,471 - All right, everybody clear out. - Okay. 558 00:24:04,473 --> 00:24:06,873 - Clear out! - AMY: Let's go. 559 00:24:06,875 --> 00:24:08,909 SELINA: Except you, Amy. 560 00:24:08,911 --> 00:24:12,612 - SELINA: Oh, God, come on, come on. - (DOOR CLOSES) 561 00:24:12,614 --> 00:24:15,782 Okay, look. 562 00:24:15,784 --> 00:24:18,318 Get that clowntard Jonah on the phone right now. 563 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:22,054 What if we tell him to vote for O'Brien? 564 00:24:23,891 --> 00:24:26,559 Ma'am, you can't do that. He is the opposition... 565 00:24:26,561 --> 00:24:30,496 It is the only fucking thing that I can do, Amy. 566 00:24:30,498 --> 00:24:32,264 Seriously. 567 00:24:32,266 --> 00:24:36,133 If O'Brien wins the presidency, I can run against him in four years. 568 00:24:36,135 --> 00:24:38,035 But if Tom James wins, 569 00:24:38,037 --> 00:24:42,239 he's gonna be president for the next eight years, Amy. Eight! 570 00:24:42,241 --> 00:24:44,175 - 12, ma'am. - Huh? 571 00:24:44,177 --> 00:24:46,110 Tom's first term won't count 572 00:24:46,112 --> 00:24:48,379 because technically he'll be an elevated vice president. 573 00:24:48,381 --> 00:24:50,014 But I sound like Kent, so... 574 00:24:50,016 --> 00:24:51,950 My God, in 12 years, 575 00:24:51,952 --> 00:24:55,185 I'm gonna be a shriveled-up can of ass. 576 00:24:55,187 --> 00:24:57,921 Seriously, I can't... I mean, my political window 577 00:24:57,923 --> 00:25:01,191 just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses. 578 00:25:01,193 --> 00:25:06,029 Call Jonah right now and tell him to vote for O'Brien. 579 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,799 Oh, excuse me. Where is the House Chamber? 580 00:25:09,801 --> 00:25:11,634 The House Chamber is that way. 581 00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:13,435 No, it's not. We just... 582 00:25:13,437 --> 00:25:15,638 we just fucking came from there! 583 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,874 No, it's not... 584 00:25:17,876 --> 00:25:19,408 God damn it. 585 00:25:21,045 --> 00:25:23,412 You better be right. 586 00:25:23,414 --> 00:25:25,047 They're gonna close the vote. 587 00:25:25,049 --> 00:25:26,781 - AMY: O'Brien 25. - MIKE: He's one away. 588 00:25:26,783 --> 00:25:28,550 Please, God, deliver Jonah to Congress 589 00:25:28,552 --> 00:25:30,752 and then give him any kind of cancer. I don't care. 590 00:25:30,754 --> 00:25:32,821 - AMY: There he is. - Catherine. 591 00:25:32,823 --> 00:25:36,024 - Marjorie? I don't want to talk to you. - I'm sorry, okay? 592 00:25:36,026 --> 00:25:38,126 I told my parents about us. 593 00:25:38,128 --> 00:25:39,928 - JONAH: New Hampshire... - They took it hard, but I don't care. 594 00:25:39,930 --> 00:25:41,796 - I love you. - ...proudly casts its vote 595 00:25:41,798 --> 00:25:43,964 - for President Selina Meyer. - I love you, too. 596 00:25:43,966 --> 00:25:44,669 (SELINA SCREAMS) 597 00:25:44,694 --> 00:25:46,700 MARWOOD: New Hampshire votes for Selina Meyer. 598 00:25:46,702 --> 00:25:49,236 - The vote is hereby closed. - (GAVEL BANGS) 599 00:25:49,238 --> 00:25:53,373 That's O'Brien 25, Meyer 22. 600 00:25:53,375 --> 00:25:56,710 With three abstentions, no candidate has received 601 00:25:56,712 --> 00:25:59,780 the constitutionally required 26 votes. 602 00:25:59,782 --> 00:26:01,681 - This House is adjourned. - (GAVEL BANGS) 603 00:26:01,683 --> 00:26:03,850 I'm sorry, I would like to change my vote. 604 00:26:03,852 --> 00:26:05,985 I voted for the wrong person. 605 00:26:05,987 --> 00:26:08,655 I would like to change my vote, thank you. 606 00:26:08,657 --> 00:26:10,222 Where is everyone going? 607 00:26:10,224 --> 00:26:11,958 The gentleman from New Hampshire 608 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:15,028 puts forth onto the floor a do-over, thank you. 609 00:26:15,030 --> 00:26:17,763 We have just witnessed a historic no decision 610 00:26:17,765 --> 00:26:19,464 in the House of Representatives. 611 00:26:19,466 --> 00:26:21,332 MIKE: Okay, we got to get a statement out. 612 00:26:21,334 --> 00:26:24,603 The Senate will now choose between Senators Tom James and Laura Montez. 613 00:26:24,605 --> 00:26:26,672 - Oh, hey, Marjorie. - MARJORIE: Hello, ma'am. 614 00:26:26,674 --> 00:26:28,707 SELINA: If I lose, I lose. 615 00:26:28,709 --> 00:26:31,843 Teddy Roosevelt lost. John Adams lost. 616 00:26:31,845 --> 00:26:33,144 Winston Churchill lost. 617 00:26:33,146 --> 00:26:35,279 So plenty of presidents have lost 618 00:26:35,281 --> 00:26:38,515 and gone on to do great, great things. 619 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,687 Are we done, sweetie? 620 00:26:42,689 --> 00:26:46,123 - I can't fucking lose this thing. - You won't. You won't. 621 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,394 (SIGHS) 622 00:26:50,396 --> 00:26:52,696 WOMAN: We are now entering the Red Room, 623 00:26:52,698 --> 00:26:54,864 which originally was the yellow drawing... 624 00:26:54,866 --> 00:26:57,834 - (PEOPLE GASP) - Madam President, I am so sorry. 625 00:26:57,836 --> 00:26:59,502 - We're just coming through. - Oh, no, it's fine. 626 00:26:59,504 --> 00:27:02,171 Everybody come on in. Come on in. 627 00:27:02,173 --> 00:27:04,273 Welcome, welcome. 628 00:27:04,275 --> 00:27:06,042 Welcome. Hello. 629 00:27:06,044 --> 00:27:07,944 Look at you. I think you're from Kansas. 630 00:27:07,946 --> 00:27:10,412 - I can see it... - I am. I voted for you twice. 631 00:27:10,414 --> 00:27:13,415 This year and back when you ran for president the first time. 632 00:27:13,417 --> 00:27:16,051 Oh, you're clutching your bag like I'm gonna steal it. 633 00:27:16,053 --> 00:27:17,853 - Oh, no! (LAUGHS) - No. 634 00:27:17,855 --> 00:27:19,989 - Would you like to take a picture? - Oh, yeah. 635 00:27:19,991 --> 00:27:22,524 Oh, yeah. She knows what she wants. 636 00:27:23,794 --> 00:27:25,127 - Did we get it? - Yeah. 637 00:27:25,129 --> 00:27:26,794 Okay, great. Thank you. 638 00:27:26,796 --> 00:27:28,763 - I love you. - Oh. 639 00:27:28,765 --> 00:27:30,965 (APPLAUSE) 640 00:27:30,967 --> 00:27:33,067 Oh. 641 00:27:33,069 --> 00:27:35,503 Whoo! 642 00:27:35,505 --> 00:27:37,605 - Thank you. - Whoo-hoo! 643 00:27:37,607 --> 00:27:39,340 Yeah! 644 00:27:39,342 --> 00:27:41,943 Thank you. 645 00:27:41,945 --> 00:27:44,044 - Whoo-hoo! - Thank you. 646 00:27:44,046 --> 00:27:45,578 Thank you. 647 00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:50,150 - (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) - (SIGHS) 648 00:27:50,152 --> 00:27:53,219 Who else would like a photo? Oh! (LAUGHS) 649 00:27:53,221 --> 00:27:56,957 CATHERINE: Some say a tie is like kissing your sister. 650 00:27:56,959 --> 00:27:59,059 But it took an electoral college tie 651 00:27:59,061 --> 00:28:03,262 for me to get to kiss the sister I never knew I had. 652 00:28:07,635 --> 00:28:09,702 CATHERINE: I'm just gonna ask you what you think 653 00:28:09,704 --> 00:28:12,271 of a few people in my mother's administration. 654 00:28:12,273 --> 00:28:14,040 It's a great opportunity. Thank you. 655 00:28:14,042 --> 00:28:15,775 What do you think of Amy Brookheimer? 656 00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:17,608 She likes to hear herself talk. 657 00:28:17,610 --> 00:28:19,144 - Tense. - Shrill. 658 00:28:19,146 --> 00:28:20,344 - Shrill. - Shrill. 659 00:28:20,346 --> 00:28:22,113 - Shrill. - Did they say shrill? 660 00:28:22,115 --> 00:28:25,050 - How would you describe Gary Walsh? - A kind person. 661 00:28:25,052 --> 00:28:27,752 - Truck stop glory hole. - Can do a handstand still. 662 00:28:27,754 --> 00:28:29,921 - What do you think of Dan Egan? - Douchebag. 663 00:28:29,923 --> 00:28:32,691 - The other side of the glory hole. - He's fine. 664 00:28:32,693 --> 00:28:35,525 Mike is an idiot. It's amazing he got a driver's license. 665 00:28:35,527 --> 00:28:38,929 One of the most extraordinarily incoherent people I've ever met in my life. 666 00:28:38,931 --> 00:28:41,699 Sometimes, like, in a futuristic... like a sci-fi movie, 667 00:28:41,701 --> 00:28:45,069 you'll see, like, a robot that's like the old version of the robot 668 00:28:45,071 --> 00:28:47,171 - and you kind of feel bad. - How about Jonah? 669 00:28:47,173 --> 00:28:50,507 Jonah Ryan is the congressman that the people of New Hampshire deserve. 670 00:28:50,509 --> 00:28:53,843 Do you think you had a crowning achievement as vice president? 671 00:28:53,845 --> 00:28:57,513 Well, I became president. 672 00:28:57,515 --> 00:29:01,017 - Can we call that an achievement? - Did you vote for Mom? 673 00:29:01,019 --> 00:29:03,753 If I would have voted, it would have certainly been for your mother. 674 00:29:03,755 --> 00:29:05,688 Where do you see yourself in 20 years? 675 00:29:05,690 --> 00:29:07,823 - White House. - I'd say the Galapagos Islands. 676 00:29:07,825 --> 00:29:08,712 Just be president. 677 00:29:08,737 --> 00:29:11,126 I have it penciled in 2036. Gonna go there. 678 00:29:11,128 --> 00:29:12,961 - Just the seat of power. - I bought two tickets. 679 00:29:12,963 --> 00:29:14,696 I don't know who the other is gonna be, 680 00:29:14,698 --> 00:29:16,832 but I'm assuming by then I'll be coupled up. 681 00:29:16,834 --> 00:29:19,000 Everyone saying, "Mr. President, this is the most important bill 682 00:29:19,002 --> 00:29:22,738 - that has ever been signed into law." - I like to be close to the sun. 683 00:29:22,740 --> 00:29:24,706 I haven't thought that far ahead. 684 00:29:24,708 --> 00:29:26,741 I'm so focused on the present. 685 00:29:26,743 --> 00:29:28,075 Let me ask you a question. 686 00:29:28,077 --> 00:29:30,677 What's the best lesbian porn site? 687 00:29:30,701 --> 00:29:32,701 - sync and corrections by Caio - - www.addic7ed.com - 688 00:29:35,184 --> 00:29:36,851 (HUMS)