1 00:00:10,688 --> 00:00:13,501 The House will come to order for a roll call vote 2 00:00:13,503 --> 00:00:16,414 on the matter of who will be the President of the United States. 3 00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:18,653 Senator William O'Brien from Arizona... 4 00:00:18,655 --> 00:00:21,436 All right, here we go. Alabama first in the alphabet, 5 00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,163 last in every other fucking thing. 6 00:00:23,165 --> 00:00:25,468 I believe it's number one in easiest state 7 00:00:25,470 --> 00:00:28,283 - to get away with murdering a black guy. - Come on, come on. 8 00:00:28,285 --> 00:00:31,611 Alabama casts its vote for President Selina Meyer. 9 00:00:31,612 --> 00:00:33,082 That's my town! 10 00:00:33,084 --> 00:00:34,970 Ooh, bam-a-lama ding dong! 11 00:00:34,971 --> 00:00:36,633 Yeah... oh, Catherine. 12 00:00:36,635 --> 00:00:39,545 Would you please give it a rest with that camera? 13 00:00:39,546 --> 00:00:41,880 My name is Catherine Meyer. 14 00:00:41,882 --> 00:00:44,664 I've spent my entire life in the public eye. 15 00:00:44,666 --> 00:00:47,287 While the public will always remember me as the little girl 16 00:00:47,289 --> 00:00:49,880 who fell off the stage twice in one evening, 17 00:00:49,882 --> 00:00:53,559 I'm a grown woman now with my own passions and interests. 18 00:00:55,224 --> 00:00:57,525 One of the biggest things that ever happened in my life 19 00:00:57,527 --> 00:01:00,565 and my family's life happened when the House of Representatives 20 00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:03,157 voted to decide the presidency of the United States 21 00:01:03,159 --> 00:01:06,036 for the first time in 140 years. 22 00:01:06,038 --> 00:01:08,371 Almost two months to the day earlier, 23 00:01:08,373 --> 00:01:10,644 the American people voted for president, 24 00:01:10,646 --> 00:01:14,194 but that night ended in an historic electoral college tie 25 00:01:14,196 --> 00:01:19,025 between Senator Bill O'Brien and the sitting president Selina Meyer, my mom. 26 00:01:19,027 --> 00:01:21,106 It meant that the House of Representatives 27 00:01:21,108 --> 00:01:23,985 needed to vote to break the tie and choose a president. 28 00:01:23,987 --> 00:01:26,992 My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister. 29 00:01:26,994 --> 00:01:29,967 Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest. 30 00:01:33,681 --> 00:01:35,599 In order to tell this story, 31 00:01:35,601 --> 00:01:37,518 I have to go back to where it all began, 32 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,526 the day after the presidential election was tied. 33 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,812 I do not give my consent to have my likeness 34 00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,603 appear in this or any other film. 35 00:01:46,605 --> 00:01:48,460 The president will see you now. 36 00:01:48,462 --> 00:01:50,923 I set out to make a film about the tie, 37 00:01:50,925 --> 00:01:52,618 but somewhere along the way, 38 00:01:52,620 --> 00:01:55,338 I ended up discovering something about myself. 39 00:01:55,340 --> 00:01:59,626 I'm gonna have to have approval over all of this footage, Catherine, okay? 40 00:01:59,628 --> 00:02:01,385 Okay, we can talk about that after. 41 00:02:01,387 --> 00:02:02,665 When did you first know 42 00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:04,649 that you wanted to be president? 43 00:02:04,651 --> 00:02:06,248 It was 1973. 44 00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:08,104 - Catherine, out. - I was a very little girl 45 00:02:08,106 --> 00:02:10,888 and Mother wasn't "feeling well." 46 00:02:10,890 --> 00:02:14,023 Daddy asked me to be his date 47 00:02:14,025 --> 00:02:16,647 for President Nixon's inaugural ball. 48 00:02:16,649 --> 00:02:21,093 Daddy did a lot of business with Bebe Rebozo. 49 00:02:21,095 --> 00:02:24,325 President Nixon entered the room 50 00:02:24,327 --> 00:02:28,708 and, you know, he had his bow tie 51 00:02:28,710 --> 00:02:31,715 and his eyebrows. 52 00:02:31,717 --> 00:02:34,850 Daddy leaned in to me and he said, 53 00:02:34,852 --> 00:02:38,625 "You know, a lot of people don't like Nixon, 54 00:02:38,627 --> 00:02:41,858 but by God, they respect him. 55 00:02:41,860 --> 00:02:43,842 And that's you, peanut." 56 00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,288 - Delaware? - Come on, come on. 57 00:02:52,290 --> 00:02:55,615 Delaware votes for President Selina Meyer. 58 00:02:55,617 --> 00:02:58,462 - Oh! - I don't want to jinx things, guys, 59 00:02:58,464 --> 00:03:00,478 but I think maybe we should start making our list 60 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,238 of who I'm going to punish when I win. 61 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,061 - Where are you? - I don't know. 62 00:03:04,063 --> 00:03:06,556 I went home with a congressional fan girl last night. 63 00:03:06,558 --> 00:03:08,283 I don't have my car. I think I'm in Maryland. 64 00:03:08,285 --> 00:03:10,044 Well, first of all, sir, congratulations are in order. 65 00:03:10,046 --> 00:03:12,123 Shh! She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up, 66 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,979 the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom. 67 00:03:13,981 --> 00:03:16,058 - Has the vote started yet? - Yes, Delaware just voted. 68 00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:18,555 Shit. Shit. Okay, you gotta come get me. 69 00:03:18,557 --> 00:03:20,251 Okay, just drop a pin in Apple Maps and... 70 00:03:20,252 --> 00:03:21,850 I don't know how to drop a fucking pin. 71 00:03:21,852 --> 00:03:23,354 Well, it's a really intuitive feature. 72 00:03:23,356 --> 00:03:25,401 - Do you have iOS 9.2.3? - Shut up. 73 00:03:25,403 --> 00:03:27,608 Bring me a change of clothes and come and get me. 74 00:03:27,610 --> 00:03:30,359 The day after the tie, the stock markets crashed, 75 00:03:30,361 --> 00:03:33,368 but my mom did everything she could to get them back on track. 76 00:03:33,369 --> 00:03:36,536 This afternoon, I asked Tom James 77 00:03:36,538 --> 00:03:40,374 to do his country the honor of stepping up to serve as economy czar 78 00:03:40,376 --> 00:03:43,701 and to my absolute delight, he said yes. 79 00:03:43,703 --> 00:03:46,101 Did you ever play sports? 80 00:03:46,103 --> 00:03:48,533 Remember how no one ever wanted to play catcher? 81 00:03:48,535 --> 00:03:52,180 Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar. 82 00:03:52,182 --> 00:03:55,123 There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting. 83 00:03:55,125 --> 00:03:57,362 A lot of asses in your face. 84 00:03:57,364 --> 00:03:59,146 Thank you so much, Senator James. 85 00:03:59,170 --> 00:04:00,018 You're very welcome. 86 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:02,930 - How's it going? - It's going very well, thanks. 87 00:04:02,932 --> 00:04:05,393 - And Bob's your uncle. - Knock, knock, future calling. 88 00:04:05,395 --> 00:04:07,346 Cheese, please, Louise. 89 00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,265 Gentlemen, you know the first daughter. 90 00:04:09,267 --> 00:04:10,018 We do. 91 00:04:10,043 --> 00:04:12,272 She's interviewing me for a college project. 92 00:04:12,273 --> 00:04:14,031 No, it's a doc. 93 00:04:14,033 --> 00:04:17,104 Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad. 94 00:04:17,105 --> 00:04:19,023 What do you think of the electoral tie? 95 00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:21,262 You know, at night when I dare to close my eyes, 96 00:04:21,264 --> 00:04:23,471 I dream about your mother losing 97 00:04:23,473 --> 00:04:25,902 and then coming upon her holding a cardboard sign 98 00:04:25,903 --> 00:04:27,533 at the bottom of a highway exit ramp. 99 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,452 Now, if I were Tom James, I would just try 100 00:04:29,454 --> 00:04:31,947 to get three states to abstain and then it would go to the Senate, 101 00:04:31,949 --> 00:04:33,900 serving the president the most abject humiliation 102 00:04:33,902 --> 00:04:35,499 in the history of the United States. 103 00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:37,227 Oh, you know what the cardboard sign says? 104 00:04:37,229 --> 00:04:38,667 What does it say? 105 00:04:38,668 --> 00:04:41,227 It says, "I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson." 106 00:04:41,229 --> 00:04:43,147 What if you lose the presidency? 107 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:44,809 Well, I'll tell you something, 108 00:04:44,811 --> 00:04:47,209 you can't think that way. 109 00:04:47,210 --> 00:04:49,064 That's what Mother always said. 110 00:04:49,066 --> 00:04:51,753 When you have those kinds of negative feelings, 111 00:04:51,755 --> 00:04:55,464 you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box 112 00:04:55,466 --> 00:04:58,855 and you close it down tight and you take that box 113 00:04:58,857 --> 00:05:01,095 and you shove it way back here in your... 114 00:05:01,096 --> 00:05:04,806 in the corner of your head and swallow that key. 115 00:05:04,807 --> 00:05:07,525 And then, poof, they're gone. 116 00:05:07,527 --> 00:05:10,469 And then that's it. And it works, too, sweetie. 117 00:05:10,471 --> 00:05:12,741 That's something that Mother told me that works. 118 00:05:12,742 --> 00:05:16,004 Okay, you pour the hot water into the pot, all right? 119 00:05:16,006 --> 00:05:17,731 Swirl it around a bit. 120 00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:20,258 And then you pour it out, okay? 121 00:05:20,260 --> 00:05:21,570 That's called hot in the pot. 122 00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,042 Now this is a special blend I've got. 123 00:05:23,044 --> 00:05:24,387 It's got chamomile and rose hips 124 00:05:24,388 --> 00:05:25,858 and some other little special ingredients 125 00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:27,234 that I'm not gonna tell you on camera. 126 00:05:27,235 --> 00:05:28,834 Um, my question was 127 00:05:28,836 --> 00:05:31,392 what's your take on the financial crisis. 128 00:05:31,394 --> 00:05:33,632 Oh. 129 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:36,095 I just think they ran out of money. 130 00:05:36,097 --> 00:05:37,855 They should probably just print more. 131 00:05:37,857 --> 00:05:39,359 I don't know why it's been such a big issue. 132 00:05:39,361 --> 00:05:42,047 Okay, guys, when are we gonna fire Mike, by the way? 133 00:05:42,049 --> 00:05:46,111 Because it is seriously just one fuckup after fuckup with him. 134 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,550 Yeah, right after the inauguration, 135 00:05:47,552 --> 00:05:50,108 we'll show Mr. McShittock the door. 136 00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:52,284 Hey. 137 00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:53,564 Hi. 138 00:05:53,566 --> 00:05:54,780 I love my job. 139 00:05:54,782 --> 00:05:56,476 Oh, my God, I want to do it forever. 140 00:05:56,477 --> 00:05:58,108 Especially because this is the kind of job 141 00:05:58,110 --> 00:06:00,155 that I've gotten better at every year. 142 00:06:00,157 --> 00:06:01,659 And it's also the kind of job 143 00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:03,707 that you need to be fast on your feet. 144 00:06:03,709 --> 00:06:05,849 You need to be quick and you need to sort of, 145 00:06:05,851 --> 00:06:09,721 uh, I don't even know what the word is. 146 00:06:09,723 --> 00:06:11,864 We're in the process of converting the guest bedroom 147 00:06:11,866 --> 00:06:14,584 into a nursery for our arriving Chinese angel. 148 00:06:14,586 --> 00:06:17,528 And Ta-da! We went with a Winnie the Pooh knockoff. 149 00:06:17,529 --> 00:06:19,992 It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home. 150 00:06:19,994 --> 00:06:21,911 I think he's called Happy Sun Bear. 151 00:06:21,913 --> 00:06:23,895 So much cheaper. And we've checked the room for lead, 152 00:06:23,897 --> 00:06:26,550 so there's... actually, I need... I'm supposed to check... 153 00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:29,717 I have to get a guy to check the room for lead, but we will check for lead. 154 00:06:29,719 --> 00:06:31,574 In mid-November, my mom's team 155 00:06:31,576 --> 00:06:33,461 challenged the vote totals in Nevada, 156 00:06:33,463 --> 00:06:36,084 which meant the tie might not be a tie any longer. 157 00:06:36,086 --> 00:06:37,748 - I've changed my mind. - About what? 158 00:06:37,750 --> 00:06:39,603 Send me to Nevada. I want the job. 159 00:06:39,605 --> 00:06:42,322 Oh, but so does Candi Caruso. 160 00:06:42,324 --> 00:06:44,466 And even though, and I quote, 161 00:06:44,468 --> 00:06:48,978 the fact that I'm a woman means we will no longer have any women presidents 162 00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:51,057 because we've already tried one and she fucking sucked. 163 00:06:51,059 --> 00:06:54,672 Please, please, please. 164 00:06:56,178 --> 00:06:57,712 Well, I'll give you this... 165 00:06:57,714 --> 00:07:00,431 Candi Caruso would not eat this amount of shit. 166 00:07:00,433 --> 00:07:02,383 Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall 167 00:07:02,384 --> 00:07:04,015 and used the old two-fingered wood chipper. 168 00:07:04,017 --> 00:07:06,414 Why would I want to stand next to a twig 169 00:07:06,416 --> 00:07:08,398 like that all day when I can stand next to you? 170 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,085 What would you do if you lost? 171 00:07:11,087 --> 00:07:12,973 You keep harping on this. 172 00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:15,436 But I'll tell you something, I have lost elections. 173 00:07:15,438 --> 00:07:18,028 I lost the first time that I ran for Congress. 174 00:07:18,030 --> 00:07:20,140 They called me Selina Vanderbilt 175 00:07:20,142 --> 00:07:22,507 as if the Vanderbilts had any money left. 176 00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:26,858 Anyway, after that, you know, I went to Arizona to a spa 177 00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:28,906 and I took stock 178 00:07:28,908 --> 00:07:30,826 and I asked myself some tough questions... 179 00:07:30,828 --> 00:07:34,408 Wait, is that when you had your nervous breakdown? 180 00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:38,185 No, no, I did not... no, I went to a spa, sweetie. 181 00:07:38,186 --> 00:07:40,264 No, when Rosa had to take care of me 182 00:07:40,266 --> 00:07:42,472 because you went to a mental hospital. 183 00:07:42,474 --> 00:07:45,350 No, darling, I didn't go to a mental hospital. 184 00:07:45,352 --> 00:07:47,110 I went to a spa. 185 00:07:47,112 --> 00:07:49,894 Is this how this is all going to be in your movie? 186 00:07:49,896 --> 00:07:52,389 Massachusetts votes for Selina Meyer. 187 00:07:52,391 --> 00:07:54,373 - 11-10, O'Brien. - I just talked to Furlong. 188 00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,645 He said everything's under control plus a bunch of stuff 189 00:07:56,647 --> 00:07:58,469 about assholes and jizz and my pretty mouth. 190 00:07:58,471 --> 00:08:00,580 Richard, where is Jonah? 191 00:08:00,582 --> 00:08:03,107 - Morning! - Shut the fuck up, Richard. 192 00:08:03,109 --> 00:08:05,507 Well, you can't scream that in this neighborhood. 193 00:08:05,509 --> 00:08:08,834 I couldn't find my clothes. I had to get this out of her dad's closet. 194 00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:11,010 She already told me she was a senior at Georgetown. 195 00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:12,898 Turns out she meant Georgetown Day School. 196 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:14,754 - Oh. - She's on the math team. 197 00:08:14,756 --> 00:08:16,833 - Are you filming me? - Might be a crime. 198 00:08:16,834 --> 00:08:20,352 Oh, yeah, Catherine asked me to help assist her with documenting the vote. 199 00:08:20,354 --> 00:08:22,496 Plus she taught me how to make sure the camera is on. 200 00:08:22,498 --> 00:08:25,118 Oh, okay, good, well, then on this historic day... 201 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,135 - Also, the president's on the line. - Oh, motherfuck. 202 00:08:27,137 --> 00:08:28,895 - Jonah, can you hear me? - Yes, ma'am. 203 00:08:28,897 --> 00:08:32,701 You listen to me, all right? You are already dead. 204 00:08:32,703 --> 00:08:36,093 What you do now you do for your family. 205 00:08:36,095 --> 00:08:38,844 You get yourself in there and you vote for me! 206 00:08:38,846 --> 00:08:43,355 Is my entire presidency about to have its neck snapped by Congressman Lennie here? 207 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:46,107 Call all friendlies. Let's slow this thing down. 208 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:49,210 The great state of Michigan 209 00:08:49,212 --> 00:08:52,314 would like to cast its vote. 210 00:08:52,316 --> 00:08:55,353 But first, let us pray. 211 00:08:55,355 --> 00:08:57,177 My mom lost the Nevada recount, 212 00:08:57,179 --> 00:08:59,929 but that was overshadowed by some terrible news. 213 00:08:59,931 --> 00:09:01,464 My dear mee-maw died. 214 00:09:01,466 --> 00:09:03,576 This is the Oval Office. 215 00:09:03,578 --> 00:09:06,903 Wow, three generations of Meyer women. 216 00:09:06,905 --> 00:09:09,398 It's like the best episode of "Falcon Crest" ever. 217 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,406 Mother, this right here 218 00:09:12,408 --> 00:09:14,774 is the Resolute desk. 219 00:09:14,776 --> 00:09:16,885 And it was used by FDR 220 00:09:16,887 --> 00:09:19,797 and now by me, Mother, your daughter. 221 00:09:21,782 --> 00:09:25,267 I do hope you'll wait till your hair grows 222 00:09:25,269 --> 00:09:27,443 to have your portrait painted. 223 00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,154 This has been fun. 224 00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:32,819 - She looks like a boy. - Okay. 225 00:09:32,821 --> 00:09:36,850 It doesn't seem that deep. Look. 226 00:09:36,852 --> 00:09:38,481 Oh, yeah, that's not that deep. 227 00:09:38,483 --> 00:09:40,912 Excuse me, should this be deeper? 228 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,352 Have you ever lost a grandparent? 229 00:09:42,354 --> 00:09:44,880 All my grandparents are dead. 230 00:09:44,882 --> 00:09:46,575 Wait. Um, no. 231 00:09:46,577 --> 00:09:48,655 One or two might still be alive. 232 00:09:48,657 --> 00:09:51,375 - Hey. - Hey. 233 00:09:51,376 --> 00:09:53,486 Good to be back in good old DC, 234 00:09:53,488 --> 00:09:55,245 away from the greed, the money, and the hookers. 235 00:09:55,247 --> 00:09:57,709 Listen, um... 236 00:09:57,711 --> 00:09:59,565 ...so, if you're not doing anything later... 237 00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:03,180 Jesus fucking Christ. You got to tell your sister to stop calling me. 238 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:08,683 Hmm. Hey, girl. 239 00:10:08,685 --> 00:10:11,594 So now as a person in politics under 40, 240 00:10:11,596 --> 00:10:13,770 you just... wait, cut. 241 00:10:13,772 --> 00:10:17,225 Actually, I'm the one that's supposed to say cut. 242 00:10:17,227 --> 00:10:19,785 No, no, no, I'm saying it because we're starting that over. 243 00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:21,897 Ready? Action. 244 00:10:21,899 --> 00:10:25,864 As a person in politics who's younger than most of her... cut, cut. 245 00:10:25,866 --> 00:10:28,039 - No, Amy, please don't actually say... - Action. 246 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:31,047 We were really disappointed about the Chinese adoption sanctions. 247 00:10:31,049 --> 00:10:33,510 That... but on the bright side, 248 00:10:33,512 --> 00:10:35,846 I turned the nursery into a man cave for me. 249 00:10:35,848 --> 00:10:39,397 I mean, surround sound, 55-inch television screen. 250 00:10:39,399 --> 00:10:41,797 It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out. 251 00:10:41,799 --> 00:10:45,315 I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna... 252 00:10:45,317 --> 00:10:47,620 possibly like it. 253 00:10:47,621 --> 00:10:49,660 Do you like working at the White House? 254 00:10:49,684 --> 00:10:50,340 I do, yes. 255 00:10:50,341 --> 00:10:52,571 Have you enjoyed working for the president? 256 00:10:52,595 --> 00:10:53,315 Yes. 257 00:10:53,316 --> 00:10:55,618 - Were you ever frightened for your life? - No. 258 00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:57,946 Are you really ready to take a bullet for the president? 259 00:10:57,971 --> 00:10:58,723 Yes. 260 00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:00,736 - Have you ever killed a man? - Can't say. 261 00:11:00,738 --> 00:11:02,881 Do you think my mom's a good president? 262 00:11:05,506 --> 00:11:07,968 - Yes. - That was perfect. 263 00:11:07,970 --> 00:11:09,186 Everybody else that I've interviewed just 264 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,432 talks about themselves all the time and... 265 00:11:10,434 --> 00:11:12,990 Um, would you like to have dinner with me sometime? 266 00:11:12,992 --> 00:11:14,847 Oh, yeah, I... I would love that. 267 00:11:14,849 --> 00:11:17,726 I should say that... you know that I'm not gay? 268 00:11:17,727 --> 00:11:19,837 - Really? - Yeah. Well, I... 269 00:11:19,839 --> 00:11:21,950 - I didn't mean that to come across... - No, it didn't. 270 00:11:21,951 --> 00:11:24,957 You know, it's just I assumed just because, 271 00:11:24,959 --> 00:11:27,132 you know, the way you dress and stare at me. 272 00:11:27,134 --> 00:11:28,988 Well, I mean, I like guys. 273 00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:31,420 The Thanksgiving death of Congressman Harry Sherman 274 00:11:31,422 --> 00:11:34,779 put the key state of New Hampshire back in play for the House vote. 275 00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:38,554 I followed candidate Jonah Ryan as he campaigned in his home state. 276 00:11:38,556 --> 00:11:41,657 How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clit, son. 277 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:42,713 - Hey! - What? 278 00:11:42,715 --> 00:11:44,217 This is an elementary school! 279 00:11:44,219 --> 00:11:46,456 Watch your spewing mouth, you animal! 280 00:11:46,458 --> 00:11:48,056 Hey, you are gonna pay for that. 281 00:11:48,058 --> 00:11:49,495 - That is assault. - Out. Out. 282 00:11:49,497 --> 00:11:50,999 That is assault. You are witnesses. 283 00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,823 - This is assault! - Right now, get out. 284 00:11:52,825 --> 00:11:55,575 Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan. 285 00:11:55,577 --> 00:11:57,655 Ah, fuck. 286 00:11:57,657 --> 00:12:01,014 Mothercunt. Piece of shit. 287 00:12:01,016 --> 00:12:02,773 Fuck you. Fuck you. 288 00:12:03,831 --> 00:12:05,940 Ah, fuck. 289 00:12:05,942 --> 00:12:07,413 Careful. Careful. Careful. 290 00:12:07,414 --> 00:12:09,972 I think the problem is that you lack upper body strength. 291 00:12:09,974 --> 00:12:11,284 Oh! 292 00:12:11,286 --> 00:12:12,916 Why am I even chopping the fucking wood? 293 00:12:12,918 --> 00:12:14,418 It's the 21st century. 294 00:12:14,420 --> 00:12:16,242 We don't even use this shit anymore. 295 00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:20,434 Worked fine. 296 00:12:20,436 --> 00:12:23,633 Ah, and I grew up right here 297 00:12:23,634 --> 00:12:25,617 in the awesome state of New Hampshire. 298 00:12:25,618 --> 00:12:28,752 I hitched my wagon to a shooting star named Jonah Ryan. 299 00:12:28,754 --> 00:12:30,416 Well, maybe I should say comet 300 00:12:30,418 --> 00:12:32,719 because shooting stars burn out and he never will. 301 00:12:32,721 --> 00:12:35,503 The only downside is that I'll probably have to miss 302 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,902 my Gilbert & Sullivan Society annual show. 303 00:12:37,904 --> 00:12:39,566 You know, operetta is my passion. 304 00:12:39,568 --> 00:12:43,534 ♪ If you want to know who we are ♪ 305 00:12:43,536 --> 00:12:47,628 ♪ We are gentlemen of Japan... ♪ 306 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:53,163 ...home to Motown, 307 00:12:53,165 --> 00:12:56,682 aka Hitsville USA, 308 00:12:56,684 --> 00:12:59,690 would like to cast its vote 309 00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:02,698 for President Selina... 310 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:05,098 Catherine Meyer. 311 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,081 Michigan votes for Selina Meyer. 312 00:13:07,083 --> 00:13:09,448 - Jesus, Richard, please drive faster. - Minnesota? 313 00:13:09,450 --> 00:13:11,816 - If you held the camera... - I'm not gonna hold the camera, Richard. 314 00:13:11,818 --> 00:13:13,927 How would I be on the camera... 315 00:13:14,616 --> 00:13:16,583 Jesus Christ, Richard! You could have killed me. 316 00:13:16,585 --> 00:13:18,215 Can't you do two simple things at once? 317 00:13:18,217 --> 00:13:20,070 I just thank God I didn't hit those schoolchildren. 318 00:13:20,072 --> 00:13:22,246 Who gives a fuck about them? Go! Go! 319 00:13:22,248 --> 00:13:24,453 Well, actually, the car won't start. 320 00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:27,077 - Maybe call an Uber. - We can't call an Uber. 321 00:13:27,079 --> 00:13:29,508 I've been banned for life because I have a low rating. 322 00:13:29,510 --> 00:13:31,556 Missouri abstains from the vote. 323 00:13:31,558 --> 00:13:33,412 - Missouri abstained? - Abstained? 324 00:13:33,414 --> 00:13:35,619 This is Tom and he's making a move 325 00:13:35,621 --> 00:13:37,430 like some kind of grand fucking chess master. 326 00:13:37,455 --> 00:13:38,179 Right. 327 00:13:38,180 --> 00:13:41,538 Stalemate his endgame. Shades of Karpov versus Kasparov. 328 00:13:41,540 --> 00:13:43,905 - Oh, who's that for, Kent? - Guys, Missouri's gonna abstain. 329 00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:46,017 Tom just needs to make sure that no one gets to 26 330 00:13:46,019 --> 00:13:48,289 and then get his buddy Marwood to make sure there's not another vote. 331 00:13:48,291 --> 00:13:50,241 - That's it. - Where is Jonah, folks? 332 00:13:50,242 --> 00:13:52,352 Motherfucker! They're taking a Lyft now? 333 00:13:55,010 --> 00:13:57,568 - Time to wake up. - Stop. 334 00:13:57,569 --> 00:14:00,510 You big lesbo. 335 00:14:00,512 --> 00:14:03,070 And what's it to you? I think it's time to wake up. 336 00:14:03,072 --> 00:14:05,981 Suddenly everything in my life made sense. 337 00:14:05,983 --> 00:14:07,581 Actually, I got a question for you. 338 00:14:07,582 --> 00:14:10,045 Is it weird going hallway to hallway 339 00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:12,700 - with your mom's twin? - What? 340 00:14:12,702 --> 00:14:15,387 To... never mind. 341 00:14:15,389 --> 00:14:18,363 Do you think about what you'll do if my mother doesn't win? 342 00:14:18,364 --> 00:14:21,018 God, I have no idea. What else am I gonna do? 343 00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:22,587 Go out and see the world? 344 00:14:22,588 --> 00:14:26,106 I don't even like looking out my window, so... 345 00:14:26,108 --> 00:14:28,506 I really... I don't know. 346 00:14:28,508 --> 00:14:31,192 Ben, you home. 347 00:14:31,194 --> 00:14:32,760 It's the spouse. 348 00:14:32,762 --> 00:14:35,224 Hey, sweetie. Hi. 349 00:14:35,226 --> 00:14:38,871 Um, Joyce, this is the president's daughter Catherine. 350 00:14:38,873 --> 00:14:40,855 Catherine, this is my wife Joyce. 351 00:14:40,857 --> 00:14:43,126 - Nice to meet you. - What a surprise. 352 00:14:43,128 --> 00:14:45,009 I thought you and the kids were on vacation this week. 353 00:14:45,034 --> 00:14:46,070 Yeah, that was last month. 354 00:14:46,071 --> 00:14:48,916 Joyce, she took care of me after my third heart attack. 355 00:14:48,918 --> 00:14:51,541 My second wife was a nurse as well. 356 00:14:51,543 --> 00:14:53,747 I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh? 357 00:14:53,749 --> 00:14:55,988 Yeah, but I his best nurse. 358 00:14:55,990 --> 00:14:59,187 These Precious Moments figurines are a very good investment. 359 00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:00,531 Would you care for a drink? 360 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,442 Hi, yeah, I'm trying to reach Charlie Baird. 361 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,297 This is a friend of his, Gary Walsh. 362 00:15:05,299 --> 00:15:08,497 Oh, what's the... what is this concerning? 363 00:15:08,499 --> 00:15:10,224 Um, hanging out? 364 00:15:10,226 --> 00:15:12,657 _ 365 00:15:12,659 --> 00:15:14,128 _ 366 00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:18,319 _ 367 00:15:18,321 --> 00:15:20,079 These are my compatriots. 368 00:15:20,081 --> 00:15:23,086 We are a historically Spanish-speaking motorcycle club 369 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:27,501 which has been under a great deal of unfair legal scrutiny lately. 370 00:15:27,503 --> 00:15:30,093 This is our president, El Cabeza. 371 00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:32,300 Hola, chica. ÿCómo estás? 372 00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:35,565 _ 373 00:15:35,588 --> 00:15:37,957 _ 374 00:15:37,996 --> 00:15:39,947 I find that my involvement in the club 375 00:15:39,949 --> 00:15:42,091 keeps the internecine skirmishes 376 00:15:42,093 --> 00:15:43,914 of Washington in perspective. 377 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,713 Yello. 378 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:51,305 - Hey, how far out are you? - We're at security. 379 00:15:51,307 --> 00:15:53,673 Get the Hunchback of Notre Hampshire down to the floor. 380 00:15:53,675 --> 00:15:55,976 Well, we've reached a little bit of a kerfuffle. 381 00:15:55,978 --> 00:15:57,864 I'd say even more of a kerfuffle. 382 00:15:57,866 --> 00:15:59,559 Like a snafu approaching quagmire. 383 00:15:59,561 --> 00:16:01,671 Jonah Ryan. Just Google me. Google me. 384 00:16:01,673 --> 00:16:04,103 - Come on, fucking Google me. - Calm down, sir. 385 00:16:04,105 --> 00:16:05,127 Jesus Christ. 386 00:16:06,345 --> 00:16:09,317 - Hey! - No! 387 00:16:09,319 --> 00:16:11,205 We're hanging on by a thread, but if everyone votes 388 00:16:11,207 --> 00:16:12,997 the way we think they're gonna vote, we'll win. 389 00:16:12,999 --> 00:16:14,885 Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence 390 00:16:14,887 --> 00:16:17,284 I've heard since "It's okay, it's just the tip." 391 00:16:17,286 --> 00:16:19,139 It's looking tighter than Will's own butthole 392 00:16:19,141 --> 00:16:20,676 when he's got his finger jammed up there 393 00:16:20,678 --> 00:16:22,883 watching "Bad News Bears" while he jerks off. 394 00:16:22,885 --> 00:16:25,538 - How tight is that, Will? - It's very tight, sir. 395 00:16:25,540 --> 00:16:27,809 Yeah, but I wouldn't take down the tampon dispenser 396 00:16:27,811 --> 00:16:29,505 in the Oval Office bathroom just yet. 397 00:16:29,507 --> 00:16:31,585 How will you feel if my mom loses? 398 00:16:31,587 --> 00:16:34,049 If your mom loses? I'll miss her. 399 00:16:34,051 --> 00:16:35,872 She's a pretty classy lady. 400 00:16:35,874 --> 00:16:37,856 She's the only person in this town who really gets me. 401 00:16:37,858 --> 00:16:41,120 Oh, so I will see you tomorrow night. 402 00:16:41,122 --> 00:16:42,719 - Yes. - Yes, indeed. 403 00:16:42,721 --> 00:16:44,382 As the vote got closer, 404 00:16:44,384 --> 00:16:47,134 the tension in the White House ratcheted up even further. 405 00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,798 Run. 406 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,909 Door. 407 00:16:50,911 --> 00:16:53,661 So what the fuck is Tom up to? 408 00:16:59,421 --> 00:17:01,659 Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry. 409 00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:05,531 Yes? 410 00:17:05,533 --> 00:17:09,274 I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me. 411 00:17:09,276 --> 00:17:11,418 Not today. 412 00:17:11,420 --> 00:17:12,825 Okay. 413 00:17:15,642 --> 00:17:18,808 Guys, Mike is a moron. Jesus Christ! 414 00:17:18,810 --> 00:17:20,799 I can't wait until after the inauguration. 415 00:17:20,824 --> 00:17:21,463 No. 416 00:17:21,465 --> 00:17:23,992 I'm sure he's an inspiration to other slow adults, 417 00:17:23,994 --> 00:17:25,591 but it's enough already with Mike. 418 00:17:25,593 --> 00:17:27,159 I'll start lining up interviews. 419 00:17:27,161 --> 00:17:28,791 Since the surrogate's pregnant, 420 00:17:28,793 --> 00:17:31,381 we've converted the man cave back into a baby cave. 421 00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:33,589 And this thing here was already hard mounted. 422 00:17:33,591 --> 00:17:36,180 It's pretty solid, so I think I'm just gonna leave it here, you know? 423 00:17:36,182 --> 00:17:38,389 That way, we can play educational stuff for the baby. 424 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,140 You know, Barney, nature films, nothing harmful. 425 00:17:41,142 --> 00:17:44,691 Oh, God, check for lead. Note to self. 426 00:17:44,693 --> 00:17:47,250 So what's up with all the hockey stuff? 427 00:17:55,027 --> 00:17:57,297 Let's go in here. We can talk privately in here, Tom. 428 00:17:57,299 --> 00:17:58,395 Shit. 429 00:17:58,419 --> 00:18:01,681 I've been waiting for this for a very long time. 430 00:18:01,683 --> 00:18:04,813 - Okay, how stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? 431 00:18:04,837 --> 00:18:05,934 Fuck. 432 00:18:05,936 --> 00:18:08,174 - All right, I wanted to fuck you! - That's right! 433 00:18:08,176 --> 00:18:10,254 And now you're trying to fuck me again tonight. 434 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,046 No, I am fucking you tonight! 435 00:18:12,048 --> 00:18:15,437 No, I'm gonna fuck you! 436 00:18:16,802 --> 00:18:20,716 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please. 437 00:18:20,718 --> 00:18:23,467 Have you thought about what you'll do if my mother loses? 438 00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:25,420 We'll be fine. 439 00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:26,253 Sorry. 440 00:18:26,277 --> 00:18:28,746 Yeah, hi. It's this couch right here, yeah. 441 00:18:28,748 --> 00:18:30,442 I mean, whether we're in the White House 442 00:18:30,444 --> 00:18:32,970 or we're antiquing in Charleston 443 00:18:32,972 --> 00:18:36,617 or we're on the pink, sandy beaches of Barbuda, 444 00:18:36,619 --> 00:18:39,049 you know, it's like we'll be fine. 445 00:18:39,050 --> 00:18:41,832 - Where do you want this? - Just not here. 446 00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:44,392 We haven't even been to Italy. 447 00:18:44,394 --> 00:18:46,247 My father was a navy guy, 448 00:18:46,249 --> 00:18:48,583 so we travelled the world quite a bit. 449 00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:53,414 I am very excited to be secretary of state. 450 00:18:53,416 --> 00:18:55,270 What about Congressman Graves? 451 00:18:55,271 --> 00:18:58,373 I thought that he was doing it. 452 00:18:58,374 --> 00:18:59,556 No. 453 00:18:59,558 --> 00:19:01,860 Um... 454 00:19:01,862 --> 00:19:04,163 did I tell you I have a photograph of my father? 455 00:19:04,165 --> 00:19:06,116 - New Hampshire? - Where is he? 456 00:19:06,118 --> 00:19:09,090 The state of New Hampshire begs the floor's indulgence. 457 00:19:09,092 --> 00:19:11,106 We are still missing a member of our delegation. 458 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,882 I thought that you said he was at security. 459 00:19:12,907 --> 00:19:13,474 He was. 460 00:19:13,475 --> 00:19:15,970 He's 18 feet tall. How could he have gone missing? 461 00:19:15,971 --> 00:19:17,569 - Jesus. Catherine, move. - Ow! 462 00:19:20,578 --> 00:19:22,112 Oh, other exit. 463 00:19:24,770 --> 00:19:26,334 Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no! 464 00:19:26,336 --> 00:19:28,303 Oh, you want it open? Sorry. Okay, I got it. 465 00:19:28,328 --> 00:19:28,982 Fuck! 466 00:19:30,881 --> 00:19:32,382 - I'm so excited. 467 00:19:32,384 --> 00:19:34,398 - Oh! - She's here? Oh. 468 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:35,902 Hi. 469 00:19:35,903 --> 00:19:38,973 - Hi, Mom. - Welcome home. Oh! 470 00:19:38,975 --> 00:19:41,245 - Catherine, this is my mom, my dad. - Hi. 471 00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,324 - Hi. Hi. - Grandma. Grandpa. 472 00:19:43,326 --> 00:19:45,983 This is Catherine Meyer, my, uh, work friend. 473 00:19:46,008 --> 00:19:47,196 What? 474 00:19:47,198 --> 00:19:48,475 Welcome to Montana. 475 00:19:48,477 --> 00:19:51,515 We had a fight. 476 00:19:53,436 --> 00:19:56,442 I trust the American people to make the right decision. 477 00:19:56,444 --> 00:19:58,809 What if you think they're gonna make a certain decision 478 00:19:58,811 --> 00:20:01,368 and they make a different decision and then it completely derails 479 00:20:01,370 --> 00:20:03,481 what you thought was gonna happen? 480 00:20:03,483 --> 00:20:06,104 - And then your plans are different. - Oh, honey, don't cry. 481 00:20:06,106 --> 00:20:09,303 Mommy's gonna get elected, honey. 482 00:20:09,305 --> 00:20:12,151 Marjorie and I broke up. 483 00:20:12,153 --> 00:20:14,901 Oh. Oh. 484 00:20:14,903 --> 00:20:18,678 That's terrible. 485 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,397 - Do you need a tissue? - No, I'm fine. 486 00:20:21,399 --> 00:20:22,964 Yeah, no, you do. 487 00:20:22,966 --> 00:20:25,939 Honey. Oh, you look terrible! 488 00:20:25,941 --> 00:20:28,244 You look terrible. 489 00:20:28,246 --> 00:20:29,812 Oh... 490 00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,506 Honey, let me tell you something. 491 00:20:31,508 --> 00:20:35,986 Marjorie is insufferable, okay? 492 00:20:35,988 --> 00:20:40,401 There are other... there are other fish in the sapphic sea, babe. 493 00:20:40,403 --> 00:20:44,433 I mean, seriously, there are more lesbians in the Secret Service, even. 494 00:20:44,435 --> 00:20:46,479 - You feel better? - Yeah, a little bit. 495 00:20:46,481 --> 00:20:48,240 Good girl. Good. Okay, let's get back. 496 00:20:48,242 --> 00:20:51,120 Legacy is not something that I can be concerned with. 497 00:20:51,121 --> 00:20:53,391 I'm laser-focused 498 00:20:53,393 --> 00:20:56,142 on doing the best possible job I can... 499 00:20:56,144 --> 00:20:59,437 ...as president... Catherine. 500 00:20:59,439 --> 00:21:01,837 Not everybody gets to just walk into the Oval. 501 00:21:03,373 --> 00:21:04,812 Madam President. 502 00:21:04,814 --> 00:21:06,892 - Wayne! Hey! - Hey. 503 00:21:06,894 --> 00:21:09,804 What the what? What, are you doing an interview? 504 00:21:09,806 --> 00:21:11,308 Yeah, he is. 505 00:21:11,309 --> 00:21:13,930 - Well, completely slipped my mind. - Okay. 506 00:21:13,932 --> 00:21:15,914 Ma'am, here are the talking points for this afternoon. 507 00:21:15,916 --> 00:21:17,738 Oh, no. Sorry. 508 00:21:17,740 --> 00:21:19,529 Wrong ones. I'll be back. 509 00:21:19,531 --> 00:21:23,304 - See you at poker on Wednesday. - Right. 510 00:21:23,306 --> 00:21:25,736 So you see what I'm dealing with here. 511 00:21:25,738 --> 00:21:28,905 So you didn't tell him that I'm taking his job yet? 512 00:21:28,906 --> 00:21:30,952 No, that'll be your first press release. 513 00:21:30,954 --> 00:21:32,840 Now that there will be three babies on the way, 514 00:21:32,842 --> 00:21:35,175 we decided to move the kiddos upstairs to the master 515 00:21:35,177 --> 00:21:38,085 and this will be the new love palace. 516 00:21:38,087 --> 00:21:40,613 She gets the dresser and I'll hang those 517 00:21:40,615 --> 00:21:42,565 in the... I don't know where. 518 00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:45,125 The lead, still a problem. 519 00:21:45,126 --> 00:21:47,204 Raise your right hand, please. 520 00:21:47,206 --> 00:21:50,021 - I do solemnly swear... - I do solemnly swear... 521 00:21:50,023 --> 00:21:52,899 ...that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States... 522 00:21:52,901 --> 00:21:56,387 ...that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States... 523 00:21:58,532 --> 00:22:00,194 Vermont abstains from the vote. 524 00:22:00,196 --> 00:22:02,081 Oh, God. 525 00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:04,641 That's three abstentions. Sorry, ma'am. 526 00:22:05,922 --> 00:22:07,521 What? 527 00:22:07,523 --> 00:22:09,696 Wait, though, isn't there anything that we can do? 528 00:22:09,698 --> 00:22:11,679 No, you'd have to run the table now to win. 529 00:22:11,681 --> 00:22:13,279 There's no way you can get to 26. 530 00:22:13,281 --> 00:22:15,071 - But what if we get Virginia? - You're not gonna get Virginia. 531 00:22:15,073 --> 00:22:16,959 - What if we get West Virginia? - You're not gonna get anything. 532 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,942 Can we give them farm subsidies? 533 00:22:18,944 --> 00:22:19,672 Can we... 534 00:22:19,696 --> 00:22:21,854 You can't win, ma'am. You're not gonna be president. 535 00:22:21,856 --> 00:22:24,988 - Virginia votes for Bill O'Brien. - Ma'am? 536 00:22:24,990 --> 00:22:26,684 Virginia votes for Bill O'Brien. 537 00:22:26,686 --> 00:22:29,436 - Oh, Christ. O'Brien's only got 22. - Yeah. 538 00:22:29,438 --> 00:22:32,411 I mean, I don't think even he can get to 26. 539 00:22:32,413 --> 00:22:35,771 Looks like we're looking down the barrel of a Tom James presidency. 540 00:22:35,773 --> 00:22:38,554 Could you explain to me one more time how this whole thing works? 541 00:22:38,556 --> 00:22:40,378 Why is Tom... 542 00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:42,490 I'm really sorry, Mom. 543 00:22:42,491 --> 00:22:43,993 Hey, don't worry, ma'am. 544 00:22:43,995 --> 00:22:46,777 You can run again in four years, you know? 545 00:22:46,779 --> 00:22:49,273 Not if Tom James is president, I can't. 546 00:22:49,275 --> 00:22:52,920 ...Washington votes for Bill O'Brien. 547 00:22:52,922 --> 00:22:55,256 Washington votes for Bill O'Brien. 548 00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:59,766 - All right, everybody clear out. - Okay. 549 00:22:59,768 --> 00:23:02,070 - Clear out! - Let's go. 550 00:23:02,071 --> 00:23:04,022 Except you, Amy. 551 00:23:04,024 --> 00:23:07,573 Oh, God, come on, come on. 552 00:23:07,575 --> 00:23:10,613 Okay, look. 553 00:23:10,614 --> 00:23:13,044 Get that clowntard Jonah on the phone right now. 554 00:23:13,046 --> 00:23:16,627 What if we tell him to vote for O'Brien? 555 00:23:18,388 --> 00:23:20,947 Ma'am, you can't do that. He is the opposition... 556 00:23:20,949 --> 00:23:24,722 It is the only fucking thing that I can do, Amy. 557 00:23:24,724 --> 00:23:26,417 Seriously. 558 00:23:26,419 --> 00:23:30,127 If O'Brien wins the presidency, I can run against him in four years. 559 00:23:30,129 --> 00:23:31,951 But if Tom James wins, 560 00:23:31,953 --> 00:23:35,982 he's gonna be president for the next eight years, Amy. Eight! 561 00:23:35,984 --> 00:23:37,839 - 12, ma'am. - Huh? 562 00:23:37,841 --> 00:23:39,694 Tom's first term won't count 563 00:23:39,696 --> 00:23:41,870 because technically he'll be an elevated vice president. 564 00:23:41,872 --> 00:23:43,438 But I sound like Kent, so... 565 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,294 My God, in 12 years, 566 00:23:45,296 --> 00:23:48,397 I'm gonna be a shriveled-up can of ass. 567 00:23:48,398 --> 00:23:51,020 Seriously, I can't... I mean, my political window 568 00:23:51,022 --> 00:23:54,156 just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses. 569 00:23:54,158 --> 00:23:58,795 Call Jonah right now and tell him to vote for O'Brien. 570 00:24:00,493 --> 00:24:02,410 Oh, excuse me. Where is the House Chamber? 571 00:24:02,412 --> 00:24:04,170 The House Chamber is that way. 572 00:24:04,172 --> 00:24:05,897 No, it's not. We just... 573 00:24:05,899 --> 00:24:08,009 we just fucking came from there! 574 00:24:08,011 --> 00:24:10,153 No, it's not... 575 00:24:10,155 --> 00:24:11,624 God damn it. 576 00:24:13,194 --> 00:24:15,464 You better be right. 577 00:24:15,466 --> 00:24:17,032 They're gonna close the vote. 578 00:24:17,033 --> 00:24:18,694 - O'Brien 25. - He's one away. 579 00:24:18,696 --> 00:24:20,391 Please, God, deliver Jonah to Congress 580 00:24:20,393 --> 00:24:22,502 and then give him any kind of cancer. I don't care. 581 00:24:22,504 --> 00:24:24,486 - There he is. - Catherine. 582 00:24:24,488 --> 00:24:27,558 - Marjorie? I don't want to talk to you. - I'm sorry, okay? 583 00:24:27,559 --> 00:24:29,573 I told my parents about us. 584 00:24:29,575 --> 00:24:31,301 - New Hampshire... - They took it hard, but I don't care. 585 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:33,092 - I love you. - ...proudly casts its vote 586 00:24:33,094 --> 00:24:35,171 - for President Selina Meyer. - I love you, too. 587 00:24:35,871 --> 00:24:37,795 New Hampshire votes for Selina Meyer. 588 00:24:37,797 --> 00:24:40,227 The vote is hereby closed. 589 00:24:40,229 --> 00:24:44,194 That's O'Brien 25, Meyer 22. 590 00:24:44,196 --> 00:24:47,394 With three abstentions, no candidate has received 591 00:24:47,396 --> 00:24:50,337 the constitutionally required 26 votes. 592 00:24:50,339 --> 00:24:52,160 This House is adjourned. 593 00:24:52,162 --> 00:24:54,240 I'm sorry, I would like to change my vote. 594 00:24:54,242 --> 00:24:56,288 I voted for the wrong person. 595 00:24:56,289 --> 00:24:58,848 I would like to change my vote, thank you. 596 00:24:58,850 --> 00:25:00,350 Where is everyone going? 597 00:25:00,352 --> 00:25:02,015 The gentleman from New Hampshire 598 00:25:02,017 --> 00:25:04,959 puts forth onto the floor a do-over, thank you. 599 00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:07,582 We have just witnessed a historic no decision 600 00:25:07,584 --> 00:25:09,213 in the House of Representatives. 601 00:25:09,215 --> 00:25:11,004 Okay, we got to get a statement out. 602 00:25:11,006 --> 00:25:14,141 The Senate will now choose between Senators Tom James and Laura Montez. 603 00:25:14,142 --> 00:25:16,125 - Oh, hey, Marjorie. - Hello, ma'am. 604 00:25:16,126 --> 00:25:18,076 If I lose, I lose. 605 00:25:18,078 --> 00:25:21,083 Teddy Roosevelt lost. John Adams lost. 606 00:25:21,085 --> 00:25:22,331 Winston Churchill lost. 607 00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,378 So plenty of presidents have lost 608 00:25:24,380 --> 00:25:27,481 and gone on to do great, great things. 609 00:25:29,595 --> 00:25:31,482 Are we done, sweetie? 610 00:25:31,483 --> 00:25:34,776 - I can't fucking lose this thing. - You won't. You won't. 611 00:25:38,874 --> 00:25:41,079 We are now entering the Red Room, 612 00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:43,158 which originally was the yellow drawing... 613 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,006 Madam President, I am so sorry. 614 00:25:46,008 --> 00:25:47,606 - We're just coming through. - Oh, no, it's fine. 615 00:25:47,608 --> 00:25:50,165 Everybody come on in. Come on in. 616 00:25:50,167 --> 00:25:52,181 Welcome, welcome. 617 00:25:52,183 --> 00:25:53,877 Welcome. Hello. 618 00:25:53,879 --> 00:25:55,701 Look at you. I think you're from Kansas. 619 00:25:55,703 --> 00:25:58,067 - I can see it... - I am. I voted for you twice. 620 00:25:58,069 --> 00:26:00,947 This year and back when you ran for president the first time. 621 00:26:00,949 --> 00:26:03,475 Oh, you're clutching your bag like I'm gonna steal it. 622 00:26:03,477 --> 00:26:05,203 - Oh, no! - No. 623 00:26:05,205 --> 00:26:07,251 - Would you like to take a picture? - Oh, yeah. 624 00:26:07,253 --> 00:26:09,682 Oh, yeah. She knows what she wants. 625 00:26:10,900 --> 00:26:12,178 - Did we get it? - Yeah. 626 00:26:12,180 --> 00:26:13,776 Okay, great. Thank you. 627 00:26:13,778 --> 00:26:15,664 - I love you. - Oh. 628 00:26:17,778 --> 00:26:19,792 Oh. 629 00:26:19,793 --> 00:26:22,127 Whoo! 630 00:26:22,129 --> 00:26:24,143 - Thank you. - Whoo-hoo! 631 00:26:24,145 --> 00:26:25,807 Yeah! 632 00:26:25,809 --> 00:26:28,303 Thank you. 633 00:26:28,305 --> 00:26:30,317 - Whoo-hoo! - Thank you. 634 00:26:30,319 --> 00:26:31,788 Thank you. 635 00:26:36,175 --> 00:26:39,116 Who else would like a photo? Oh! 636 00:26:39,117 --> 00:26:42,700 Some say a tie is like kissing your sister. 637 00:26:42,702 --> 00:26:44,716 But it took an electoral college tie 638 00:26:44,717 --> 00:26:48,746 for me to get to kiss the sister I never knew I had. 639 00:26:52,939 --> 00:26:54,921 I'm just gonna ask you what you think 640 00:26:54,923 --> 00:26:57,385 of a few people in my mother's administration. 641 00:26:57,387 --> 00:26:59,081 It's a great opportunity. Thank you. 642 00:26:59,083 --> 00:27:00,745 What do you think of Amy Brookheimer? 643 00:27:00,747 --> 00:27:02,502 She likes to hear herself talk. 644 00:27:02,504 --> 00:27:03,975 - Tense. - Shrill. 645 00:27:03,977 --> 00:27:05,126 - Shrill. - Shrill. 646 00:27:05,128 --> 00:27:06,822 - Shrill. - Did they say shrill? 647 00:27:06,824 --> 00:27:09,639 - How would you describe Gary Walsh? - A kind person. 648 00:27:09,641 --> 00:27:12,230 - Truck stop glory hole. - Can do a handstand still. 649 00:27:12,232 --> 00:27:14,310 - What do you think of Dan Egan? - Douchebag. 650 00:27:14,311 --> 00:27:16,966 - The other side of the glory hole. - He's fine. 651 00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:19,683 Mike is an idiot. It's amazing he got a driver's license. 652 00:27:19,685 --> 00:27:22,947 One of the most extraordinarily incoherent people I've ever met in my life. 653 00:27:22,949 --> 00:27:25,604 Sometimes, like, in a futuristic... like a sci-fi movie, 654 00:27:25,605 --> 00:27:28,835 you'll see, like, a robot that's like the old version of the robot 655 00:27:28,837 --> 00:27:30,851 - and you kind of feel bad. - How about Jonah? 656 00:27:30,853 --> 00:27:34,050 Jonah Ryan is the congressman that the people of New Hampshire deserve. 657 00:27:34,052 --> 00:27:37,249 Do you think you had a crowning achievement as vice president? 658 00:27:37,251 --> 00:27:40,768 Well, I became president. 659 00:27:40,770 --> 00:27:44,128 - Can we call that an achievement? - Did you vote for Mom? 660 00:27:44,130 --> 00:27:46,751 If I would have voted, it would have certainly been for your mother. 661 00:27:46,753 --> 00:27:48,607 Where do you see yourself in 20 years? 662 00:27:48,609 --> 00:27:50,654 - White House. - I'd say the Galapagos Islands. 663 00:27:50,656 --> 00:27:51,507 Just be president. 664 00:27:51,531 --> 00:27:53,821 I have it penciled in 2036. Gonna go there. 665 00:27:53,823 --> 00:27:55,581 - Just the seat of power. - I bought two tickets. 666 00:27:55,583 --> 00:27:57,245 I don't know who the other is gonna be, 667 00:27:57,247 --> 00:27:59,293 but I'm assuming by then I'll be coupled up. 668 00:27:59,295 --> 00:28:01,372 Everyone saying, "Mr. President, this is the most important bill 669 00:28:01,374 --> 00:28:04,956 - that has ever been signed into law." - I like to be close to the sun. 670 00:28:04,958 --> 00:28:06,844 I haven't thought that far ahead. 671 00:28:06,845 --> 00:28:08,795 I'm so focused on the present. 672 00:28:08,797 --> 00:28:10,074 Let me ask you a question. 673 00:28:10,076 --> 00:28:12,569 What's the best lesbian porn site?