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Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
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You mean you actually
paid money for that?
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Can we stop talking about my hair
now, please?
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But what style did you ask for?
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- Tosser.
- Oh, that style.
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- That's it, Mum.
- Hi.
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- Hi, boys.
- Oh, hello.
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What's going on?
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- Grandma's going to a party.
- I'm going to a party!
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Dressed like that?
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Shh!
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Jackie, are you sure that
I look all right?
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Yes, Mum, you look lovely.
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Like an old prostitute.
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I hope there's nice men there.
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God.
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Well, bye, Mum!
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Topless massage starts at 60 pounds.
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Bye-bye!
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Oh, Mum, have you got your phone?
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Yes, and my rape alarm.
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At least she's prepared.
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Please change the subject.
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- Jonny's hair?
- Thank you.
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- Hello, bambinos.
- Hi, Dad.
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Oi! Turn the light on!
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What style did you ask for?
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I believe they call it "Tosser".
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- Don't touch it.
- Turn the shitting light on!
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And hair we go!
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- Pissface?
- Huh?
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What are you...
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Wait, the table's set for five.
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Oh, yeah.
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Oh, don't tell me
there's a bloody guest.
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Yes, there's a bloody guest.
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- Mum!
- What?
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Well, that means we have to talk
to someone else.
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Why didn't you tell us
we'd have to talk to someone else?
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Because if I'd told you
you'd have to talk to someone else,
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- you wouldn't come.
- Correct.
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- Farewell.
- Stupid gits.
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- Sorry?
- Well, thanks to you,
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me bloody hearing aid
went down the toilet.
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- Dad!
- Martin!
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- Horrible haircut.
- Thank you.
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Why's Dad dressed like Oscar Wilde?
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Oh, you've noticed have you?
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I want to make an impression.
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A terrible impression?
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Impression for who?
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Dad's friend's coming.
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Dad's friend?
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What do you mean, "Dad's friend"?
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Dad doesn't have friends.
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- That's a horrible thing to say.
- Yes, I do.
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I'm not being nasty,
but Mum has friends.
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You don't have friends.
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- Yeah, Dad.
- Rubbish!
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- I have friends.
- All right, name one.
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What about dead Neil?
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How about living friends?
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You know, ones that haven't
had funerals?
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Okay, the one that's
coming tonight, then.
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And his name is?
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Bet he doesn't remember.
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What was the name of my friend again?
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- See. Tony!
- Tony! That's it.
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My friend's called Tony.
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You sound very close.
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- Inseparable.
- We were in digs together.
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And in English?
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They shared a flat at university.
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University.
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- That's flour you're eating.
- I know!
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And you've got it all over Val's watch.
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Oh, bloody Val!
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I just got it mended for her.
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You should get her mended! Ow!
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I'll be in the hall, hanging myself.
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So, how come you've never
mentioned this Tony fellow before?
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What are you talking about,
"never mentioned him"?
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He was one of the "Two Tonys".
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The "Two Tonys"?
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Yeah.
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Sorry, the "Two Tonys"?
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You know, the "Two Tonys".
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When I was at Leeds,
I lived with two boys called Tony.
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- "Boys".
- All right, males.
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- "Males".
- Tony Sampson and Tony Michaels,
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who's coming tonight. Terrific chap.
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Terrific male.
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You know, he could impersonate
the sound of any car engine.
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That's useful!
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- And the other Tony?
- He was a right tit.
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He told crap jokes
and blinked too slowly.
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- Blinked too slowly?
- So annoying.
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How is that annoying?
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Because he talked like this
the whole bleeding time.
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Oh, yeah, that is annoying.
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But Tony Michaels,
you give him any engine...
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Well, apart from Italian cars.
He could never do Italian cars.
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We'll bear that in mind.
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Haven't seen him for thirty years.
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He got in touch via the computer.
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Also known as "email".
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I do hope we still get on.
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Of course you'll still get on.
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I'm suddenly all nervous.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
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Don't be so soppy.
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Thanks, love.
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Oh, my God. It's Tony!
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It's Tony at the door!
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- Tony's here!
- It's okay, Martin.
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- Calm down.
- Yeah, calm down.
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Calm down.
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Calm down.
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- Well, open it.
- I don't look too old, do I?
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- For what?
- Intercourse with the man?
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Martin Goodman as I live and breathe!
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Shall I come in,
or are you closed on Fridays?
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Sorry, won't be a moment, Tony,
you just take a seat.
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Why, don't you want it?
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Uh, do help yourself to a nut.
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I'm nutty about nuts.
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Please tell me you haven't done
what I think you've done.
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He's the wrong Tony!
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Oh, Martin!
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The wrong Tony?
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The wrong Tony?
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Oh, why are you such a...
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What am I gonna do?
That's bloody Tony Michaels.
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You said you liked Tony Michaels.
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No, I thought he was Tony Sampson.
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I must have got
their shitting surnames mixed up.
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What?
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Tony Michaels got in touch.
I thought he was the one I liked
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and Tony Sampson
was the one I didn't like.
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Right.
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But it was Tony Michaels I didn't like
and Tony Sampson I did like.
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- You forgot who you liked?
- Yes.
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So, you invited the one you didn't like?
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Yes, that's bloody Blinkface, isn't it?
144
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So, I've just spent all day
making dinner for a man you can't stand?
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Toilet?
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- You are such a bleeding idiot!
- You really are.
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Well, don't blame me. Blame my brain!
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- So what are we going to do?
- We?
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- We're off.
- See ya.
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You are not going anywhere!
You are gonna stay here
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and see this terrible, awful,
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terrible night through.
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But, Mum!
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Maybe we could say there's been
a mix-up or something.
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Good idea. "Sorry,
you're not the right Tony.
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"You're the Tony our dad hates."
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Yes, we'll do that.
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Anyone still alive?
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Coming!
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Okay, we'll just have to
go out there and be...
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...pleasant.
- Pleasant?
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Come on!
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And I wanted the man
who did the engines.
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I thought you were all trying to escape.
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No, just doing your flowers.
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Doing my flowers?
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Sounds painful!
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Once again, lovely to see you, Tony.
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Does that mean I go now?
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Please.
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- Martin, why don't you sit down?
- What?
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Yes, next to your friend.
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Yeah, your friend.
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- So...
- "So," as the dressmaker
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said to the bishop!
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Um, you sure I can't take your bag?
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No, thank you, Jackie, I need
somewhere to keep me gun.
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Tony, did you know our dad's
been talking about you all week?
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Nothing that'll get me arrested,
I hope!
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It's been pretty much non-stop,
hasn't it, Mum?
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Oh, yes.
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Non-stop.
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Oh, it's really smashing to see you
again, mate, after all these years.
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00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,029
And now, here you are
in your lovely house
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with your lovely wife and your two sons.
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I tell you,
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someone left university and
got straight down to bedroom business!
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Leeds University!
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Yeah.
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Jackie, do you mind
if I use your little girl's room?
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What?
192
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Oh, of course.
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It's just out there on the right.
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Thank you.
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Don't miss me too much.
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- Tit.
- Tit.
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Okay, will you please stop it?
198
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Stop what?
199
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What are you talking about?
200
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This is a shitting nightmare.
201
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- Not for us, it's not.
- Nope, it's like a beautiful dream.
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I can't have bloody Tortoise Blink
in my house.
203
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I've got to get rid of him.
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He seems
205
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all right.
206
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,038
He seems all wrong.
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00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,997
Jackie, I don't like him, okay?
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00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,911
- No one liked him.
- Why not?
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00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,831
I don't know. It was a long time ago.
210
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,831
People used to say things about him.
211
00:07:58,920 --> 00:07:59,955
What things?
212
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,314
I can't remember, can I?
213
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,594
He wasn't, like,
214
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,033
a paedophile or something?
215
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,157
Of course he wasn't a paedophile.
216
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:07,434
- A Nazi?
- Jonny!
217
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,033
A Nazi paedophile?
218
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,429
Oh, that'll be Val for her watch.
219
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:12,509
Go on, boys.
220
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Great night.
221
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:16,549
Ooh!
222
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Hello, boys.
223
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:21,789
Hi, Jim.
224
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,472
Is your mother in?
225
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:24,913
Um, she's a bit busy at the moment.
226
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,514
It is an emergency situation.
227
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,029
Is it?
228
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,113
Mum!
229
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:34,954
Hi, Val.
230
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:36,549
Val?
231
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,073
Oh, hello, Jim.
232
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,912
It's an emergency situation.
233
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,115
Everything all right, Jim?
234
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,792
Not really, Jackie.
235
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,950
My oven's broken.
236
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,871
- Right.
- Wilson
237
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,959
ate the knobs.
238
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:50,794
Oh, dear.
239
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:52,149
So...
240
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:57,360
Would you mind cooking
this little bit of fish for me?
241
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:58,874
Little?
242
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,109
Really, Jim?
243
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,474
Yes, if we don't cook it
tonight, Jackie,
244
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it'll go all bad, and then it'll
get infested with weevils.
245
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,508
Weevils?
246
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,559
Okay, how do you like it?
247
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,790
Normal. Just sugar and butter.
248
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:14,869
Oh!
249
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,194
Do I smell something fishy?
250
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:19,269
Hello, again.
251
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,555
Um, Jim, this is Tony.
He's an old friend of...
252
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:22,629
Psst.
253
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:24,795
Um...
254
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,632
One second, Tony.
255
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,870
Yes, one second, Tony.
256
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,518
Not you!
257
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,399
Oh, a horse.
258
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,514
- Jackie!
- Great, so now I'm cooking a whale.
259
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:36,589
With sugar and butter.
260
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:37,749
"Normal".
261
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:39,595
Jackie!
262
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,796
- What do you want?
- I've got an idea.
263
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,677
- About what?
- What do you mean "about what"?
264
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,398
About how to get rid of pillock face.
265
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,074
What are you going to do?
Pretend to have a stroke or something?
266
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:49,475
How did you know?
267
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,031
Martin, you are not going to pretend
to have a bloody stroke!
268
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,439
Found you!
269
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,239
What a lovely dog.
270
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,158
I've just had him with chips.
271
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,679
Tony, I'm really sorry, but
272
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,755
something terrible's just happened.
273
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,876
Don't tell me
the Pope's had twins again?
274
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,317
Oh, well, what's happened?
275
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,590
We've just had a phone call.
276
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,158
Jackie's mother's died.
277
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,274
My God.
278
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,231
She's completely dead.
279
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,079
I really am so, so sorry.
280
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,878
That's okay, Tony.
281
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,678
Yeah, that's okay, Tony.
282
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,750
So awful for you, Jackie.
283
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,632
How did she die?
284
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:51,469
Tell him, Dad.
285
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:52,749
Go on.
286
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:54,988
She
287
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,358
- fell.
- She fell?
288
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:58,755
Mmm-hmm.
289
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:00,068
Oh, dear.
290
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,071
Down seven flights of stairs.
291
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:10,229
She had seven flights
of stairs in her house?
292
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:11,912
It was a...
293
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,035
A big house.
294
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,792
- Very big house.
- In Florida.
295
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,677
Florida's so far away.
296
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:17,954
I know.
297
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,076
I just don't know what to say.
298
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,597
Well, I suppose you'll probably
be wanting to get off now, Tony.
299
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,398
What? And leave you here like this?
300
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:27,515
Yeah, but...
301
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,831
If it's any consolation, Jackie,
I lost my mother some months ago.
302
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,469
And, my God,
303
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,353
do I miss her
every second of every day.
304
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,550
Come now, Tony, it's okay.
305
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:47,039
It's okay.
306
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,111
No, I've got to be strong tonight.
307
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,637
I'm going to be here for you.
308
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,473
All of you.
309
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,352
Uh, thank you, Tony.
310
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,557
I'll pop the kettle on.
311
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:07,829
Good one, Dad.
312
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,831
- Great work.
- My mother died?
313
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,195
Hmm?
314
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,838
How could you say my mother died?
315
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,712
Well, I had to say something, didn't I?
316
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:15,835
No, you didn't.
317
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:17,114
Why didn't you say your mother died?
318
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,395
Uh, because my mother's already dead.
319
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,111
Oh, no, she's still living. I forget.
320
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,156
- Seven flights of stairs?
- What about it?
321
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,559
She lives in a bungalow.
322
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,153
All right, so I said the wrong thing!
323
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:28,593
"The wrong thing"?
324
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,990
Now we're gonna have to spend
the whole bloody night grieving.
325
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,149
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
326
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,468
My brain must have...
327
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,596
Will you please stop blaming
your bloody brain?
328
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,238
All right, I'll sort it out.
329
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:39,355
God!
330
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:40,714
- I'll just say...
- Martin,
331
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,712
do not say another bloody word.
332
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,674
Won't be long.
333
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,748
Just brewing.
334
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,355
Thank you.
335
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,591
Actually, Tony, it
336
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,148
wasn't seven flights of stairs.
337
00:12:58,480 --> 00:12:59,754
It was six.
338
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,829
Nonsense, Jackie. What you need,
339
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,236
what you all need is a good, hot meal.
340
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,794
I'm only too happy to help.
341
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,154
Thank you.
342
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,196
Yeah. Sorry, Martin, mate...
343
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:23,519
Yes, I was just saying they're flying
the body over tomorrow.
344
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,235
And then we have to collect it from the
345
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,594
military airport.
346
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:30,318
- Military airport?
- No.
347
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,073
Normal airport.
348
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,116
I think we need some more vegetables.
349
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,589
Oh, no, no, no. I'll do it.
350
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:39,269
Reporting for vegetable service, ma'am!
351
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,358
Definitely getting tittier.
352
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,396
I'll get it.
353
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,152
Oh, God, who's that?
354
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,992
Hopefully, a man with a machete.
355
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,149
Hello, all.
356
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:52,709
Oh, Jim.
357
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,910
Oh, shit, and I haven't cooked
his bloody fish.
358
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,991
Shame. That would have
solved everything.
359
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,758
Martin, do you have to eat like a pig?
360
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,037
Jackie, the quicker we eat,
the quicker he'll go.
361
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,553
It's your neighbour.
362
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:12,834
Friend.
363
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:13,955
Hi, Jim.
364
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:17,555
Jackie, I've only just heard
your terrible news.
365
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,629
Have you?
366
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:23,430
Wilson and I send our deepest,
deepest commiserations.
367
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,272
- Don't we, Wilson?
- Thanks, Jim.
368
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:29,876
If it makes you feel any better,
my father also fell to his death.
369
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,029
What?
370
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,348
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
371
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,237
He fell from a towel.
372
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,628
A towel?
373
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:39,156
Actually, no, not "towel", "tower".
374
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,397
He fell from a tower?
375
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,716
What was he doing up a tower?
376
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,395
Not much. Mostly just falling off it.
377
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,031
- Right.
- I still have his watch.
378
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:56,270
Have you? Oh, that's...
379
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,075
...nice.
380
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:05,277
I think that now maybe's
not the best time.
381
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,238
Yeah, 'cause of, you know...
382
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,039
Your mother who plummeted to her death?
383
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,189
Yes, Jim.
384
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:13,508
I understand.
385
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:17,793
Come on, Wilson.
386
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:22,272
Oh, Jackie, did you, by any chance,
manage to cook my little fishy?
387
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,793
"Little fishy"?
388
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:25,588
Um, not yet.
389
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:26,715
Of course.
390
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,836
It's just the, you know...
391
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:30,594
The weevils?
392
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,194
The weevils. Come on, Wilson.
393
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,158
I'm telling you now, Martin,
I can't take much more of this.
394
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:41,753
- Oh, I can.
- Me too.
395
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:42,989
Much more.
396
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,948
- What a nice chap.
- Very.
397
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,992
Actually, if you don't mind, Jackie,
398
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,308
I've been thinking
399
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:54,793
perhaps I could say a little prayer
for your mother, if that's all right?
400
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,199
- Um...
- Thank you.
401
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,597
Oh, God, who art in heaven,
402
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,915
please have mercy upon the soul of...
403
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,669
Sorry, Jackie, what was
your mother's name?
404
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,193
Nelly Buller.
405
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,078
What a lovely name.
406
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,993
Nelly Buller.
407
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,436
May you guide her,
may you look over her,
408
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,751
and may you comfort all those
who knew her...
409
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:22,829
Oh!
410
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:24,914
God!
411
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,191
Oh, Lord,
412
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:41,036
we thank you for the life
of our beautiful grandmother.
413
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,959
She was such a kind lady,
414
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,517
and we loved her so much.
415
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,236
She was so wonderful,
416
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:56,792
and tender too... Come on.
417
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,394
I'm sorry!
418
00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,674
Jackie?
419
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:05,155
Well, finish the song.
420
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:16,079
It's just all too much,
the sympathy, the prayers.
421
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,192
It's like she really died.
422
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,315
I know, love. I know.
423
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,834
I'm very
emotional right now.
424
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,277
I understand, Jackie.
425
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,594
It's an emotional time for anyone,
the death of a parent.
426
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,599
Martin, you do know my mother
hasn't actually died?
427
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,279
Yeah, of course I do.
428
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:39,273
But if you could just keep this thing
going just a tiny bit longer, then...
429
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,429
What?
430
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,953
- Aunty Val's here.
- Really?
431
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,758
Oh, bloody Val!
432
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,319
You didn't say anything
about Grandma, did you?
433
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,469
No.
434
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,989
- But Dad's non-friend did.
- Great.
435
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:50,593
And now she's crying.
436
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,191
I can't believe it.
437
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,352
I only saw her last week.
She seemed fine.
438
00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:00,713
Oh, Jackie, I'm so sorry.
439
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,513
It's okay, love.
440
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,075
Seven flights of stairs.
441
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,152
Actually, it was six.
442
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,028
Why's he laughing?
443
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:10,348
- Nerves.
- Nerves.
444
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:11,954
Maybe we should...
445
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,110
Of course, love. Of course.
446
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,313
Wait, I thought your mother
lived in a bungalow.
447
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:19,719
She moved.
448
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,435
Well, when did she move?
449
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,431
Why don't you guys just have a sit down?
450
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,159
Time to reflect and all that.
451
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,390
- I'll just finish the clearing-up.
- Really?
452
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:29,674
Oh, absolution.
453
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,239
Said the bishop to the priest!
454
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,117
He may be a tit, but he's a helpful tit.
455
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,394
Very helpful tit.
456
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,074
Your mother's really not very happy
with me at the moment.
457
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,149
I wonder why.
458
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:43,357
Because I told the man
her mother died, you moron!
459
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:44,475
God, Adam.
460
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,516
Maybe I should have just said
she was paralysed.
461
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:47,589
Oh, yeah, that would be much better.
462
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,113
Or lost an arm or something.
463
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,553
What a nice thought.
464
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,114
Hello, boys.
465
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,153
- Hi, Aunty Val.
- Hi, Aunty Val.
466
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,120
Would you like another tissue, Valerie?
467
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,873
You do know Jackie is in bits up there.
468
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,279
Sorry to disturb you.
469
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:06,558
I was just thinking that
maybe it's best if I go now.
470
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,153
Well, goodbye, Tony.
471
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,639
Thanks very much for coming.
472
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,269
- What's going on?
- Uh, Tony's going.
473
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,349
Really?
474
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:15,759
Yeah, Jackie. I think it's best.
475
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,159
- It's best.
- Martin!
476
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,554
Such a shame.
477
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,278
Are you sure you won't stay
a bit longer?
478
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,389
Thanks, but...
479
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,550
- Or a lot longer.
- Tony's very tired.
480
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,518
Well, um, thank you so much, Tony,
for everything.
481
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,398
No, no, don't thank me.
Thank my psychiatrist.
482
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,631
And don't forget your precious bag.
483
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,470
Oh, oh, yes.
And my precious gun!
484
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,638
No, seriously,
I'm just so sorry that it's
485
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,551
been such a tough night for all of you.
486
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,073
Thanks, Tony.
487
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,792
Goodbye, me old mate.
488
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,158
Oh, hello.
489
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,950
I was just about to ring the bell!
490
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,119
I've had such a lovely evening.
491
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,033
A man said I had beautiful skin!
492
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:01,395
Oh, hello. I don't think I know you.
493
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,630
Tony, Tony Michaels.
494
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,034
Oh, nice to meet you, Tony.
495
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,031
- I'm...
- Mrs Whittaker.
496
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,235
- Sorry?
- Mrs Whittaker.
497
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,548
This is Mrs Whittaker.
498
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,153
Hello there, Mrs Whittaker.
499
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:12,832
She lives down the road, don't you?
500
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,512
- The road?
- Right, well, Tony?
501
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,272
- I'm Mrs Whittaker?
- Yes!
502
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,396
Yes. She forgets things sometimes.
503
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,359
- Um, Tony?
- What's happening?
504
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,719
- Uh...
- It's all right, love, um,
505
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,309
Jackie's mother
sadly died tonight, so...
506
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,515
Died?
507
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,233
I'm not dead.
508
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,079
- Sorry?
- Okey dokey!
509
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,673
I'm not dead. Am I, Jackie?
510
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:34,988
No, Mum!
511
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:45,190
Oh. Right. I see.
512
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,990
Yeah, I get it.
513
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,672
- Tony...
- What is going on?
514
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,034
Thanks, Martin.
515
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:52,914
Yeah, thank you very much.
516
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,274
Tony, please...
517
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,150
And I thought you were my friend.
518
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,997
Oh, well done, Jackie!
519
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,115
I'm sorry?
520
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,431
Well, it was all going so smoothly until
you opened your mouth!
521
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,238
Smooth... Smoothly?
522
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:19,753
- I'm getting a drink.
- Me too.
523
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:20,989
You're blaming me? Me?
524
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,354
Am I still Mrs Whittaker?
525
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:23,668
No, Mum!
526
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,394
I can't believe you, Martin!
527
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:27,515
- Um, Mum.
- What?
528
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:28,874
Where are the candlesticks?
529
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,154
- What?
- The candlesticks have gone.
530
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,275
The candlesticks have gone?
531
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:32,952
What do you mean,
the candlesticks have gone?
532
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:34,155
They're not there.
533
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,271
Oh, I remember what they used
to say about Tony.
534
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:37,952
How can they be gone?
535
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,917
- He was a thief!
- What?
536
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,191
- I'm sorry?
- I knew I'd remember!
537
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,477
- Is everything all right?
- Yes, he used to steal from everyone.
538
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,077
- Adam, check the living room.
- Okay, Mum.
539
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,559
- Jonny, check the kitchen.
- Right.
540
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,234
Val, take my mother through
to the living room, will you?
541
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,355
Sure, love.
542
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,953
- Come on, Nellie.
- And, Martin,
543
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,508
you do know that
I will murder you later?
544
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:58,675
My brain!
545
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,591
Mum, he's taken the gold clock.
546
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,272
- The gold clock?
- Shit on it!
547
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,157
- And Aunty's watch.
- Oh, shit on it!
548
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:07,073
We tell him my poor mother dies
and this is what he does to us?
549
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,516
No, it's a terrible time, Jim.
550
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,556
But I just wondered
if you'd cooked my...
551
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,870
The guy who was here was a thief, okay?
552
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,030
- Keep looking, everyone!
- Oh, dear.
553
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:20,917
Did he take my fishy?
554
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,991
Oh, pig's bosoms! Me wallet's gone.
555
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,069
- And mine.
- And mine.
556
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:25,559
Right, I'm calling the police.
557
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:29,110
And so soon after your mother's
horrific death.
558
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,713
Uh, yes.
559
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,276
- What's that?
- Pudding.
560
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:36,595
Right.
561
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,075
Police, please.
562
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,752
- Jackie...
- Not now, Jim.
563
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,310
I did see the man in his car just now.
564
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:44,469
I'll hold.
565
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,994
He'd just broken down in the road.
566
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:48,469
What?
567
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:50,073
It's just next door.
568
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,474
Wrong number!
569
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,039
Right! I'm having that.
570
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,599
You're not gonna hit him
on the head with it are you?
571
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,114
No, I'm gonna shove it up his arsehole.
572
00:22:58,200 --> 00:22:59,599
Oh, I'm definitely watching this.
573
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,399
- Yes, please.
- Boys, be careful!
574
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:03,629
Oh, God!
575
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:04,994
Jackie, wait!
576
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:08,872
What's going on?
577
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,913
A phantom!
578
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:16,799
Just get off me.
579
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,440
You shitting, slow-blinking,
thieving bastard!
580
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:20,669
Get off me!
581
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:21,749
Keep still!
582
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:22,909
Dad, what are you doing?
583
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,194
Pass me the pineapple!
584
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,429
- Dad!
- Martin!
585
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:29,035
Pass me the pineapple!
586
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:36,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll