1
00:00:00,195 --> 00:00:01,609
♪
2
00:00:01,634 --> 00:00:03,428
Oooh, God,
3
00:00:03,430 --> 00:00:06,464
didn't the weatherman
say it was gonna be 72?
4
00:00:06,466 --> 00:00:09,435
No, they said it was gonna be
72 at the beach.
5
00:00:09,437 --> 00:00:10,603
This is Van Nuys.
6
00:00:10,605 --> 00:00:12,304
They don't call it
the Devil's Tant for nothing.
7
00:00:12,306 --> 00:00:13,873
You think God's punishing this area
8
00:00:13,875 --> 00:00:15,607
because so much porn's shot here.
9
00:00:15,609 --> 00:00:16,874
Absolutely.
10
00:00:16,876 --> 00:00:18,943
My thighs have fused together.
11
00:00:18,945 --> 00:00:21,112
- [moans]
- What are you doing?
12
00:00:21,114 --> 00:00:23,882
I'm trying to turn the temperature down.
13
00:00:23,884 --> 00:00:25,418
[AC rattles]
14
00:00:25,420 --> 00:00:28,919
Oh, no, no, no, no,
don't fail me now, The View.
15
00:00:28,921 --> 00:00:30,656
Why'd you name the AC unit The View?
16
00:00:30,658 --> 00:00:33,425
Because it used to be
cool and informative.
17
00:00:33,427 --> 00:00:36,128
- Now it's just unintelligible...
- Use smashmash.
18
00:00:36,130 --> 00:00:37,395
Help me with this.
19
00:00:37,397 --> 00:00:39,230
No, these are
not hands of a common laborer.
20
00:00:39,232 --> 00:00:40,900
Screw this. Let's go to Veronica's.
21
00:00:40,902 --> 00:00:41,967
Her AC works.
22
00:00:41,969 --> 00:00:43,235
No, never.
23
00:00:43,237 --> 00:00:44,568
Why do you hate her so much?
24
00:00:44,570 --> 00:00:46,471
Because our world philosophies
will never intersect.
25
00:00:46,473 --> 00:00:47,439
So what?
26
00:00:47,441 --> 00:00:48,839
She called me a drama queen once,
27
00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:51,175
and I will never forgive her for that.
28
00:00:51,177 --> 00:00:53,845
Mm, too hot for that.
29
00:00:53,847 --> 00:00:54,879
Oh, I'm parked in the back.
30
00:00:54,881 --> 00:00:56,983
You're parked by the pawnshop. Sorry.
31
00:00:56,985 --> 00:00:58,084
[sighs] God.
32
00:00:58,086 --> 00:01:00,180
Nicole, don't go.
33
00:01:00,205 --> 00:01:02,920
- Shut up.
- Stay here.
34
00:01:02,945 --> 00:01:04,367
Die with me.
35
00:01:04,392 --> 00:01:07,172
- I love you.
- Die with me, Nicole.
36
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:10,229
♪
37
00:01:10,231 --> 00:01:12,697
[knocking at door]
38
00:01:12,699 --> 00:01:14,516
[weakly] Veronica.
39
00:01:17,637 --> 00:01:19,504
Oh my God. Are you okay?
40
00:01:19,506 --> 00:01:22,039
Oh, thank you for letting me come over.
41
00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:24,275
Our air conditioning doesn't work.
42
00:01:24,277 --> 00:01:26,111
- Did Devon break it?
- Yes.
43
00:01:26,113 --> 00:01:28,245
[laughing] Let him suffer.
44
00:01:28,247 --> 00:01:30,315
Oh, stop it. Let's crank this.
45
00:01:30,317 --> 00:01:32,884
No, it's a cool 76 in here,
and it's peak hours.
46
00:01:32,886 --> 00:01:34,185
Blasting it would cost a fortune.
47
00:01:34,187 --> 00:01:36,322
Oh, whatever, come on,
just live a little.
48
00:01:36,324 --> 00:01:38,557
I'll live a little at 8 p.m.
when they go down.
49
00:01:38,559 --> 00:01:41,827
Fine. Fine.
50
00:01:41,829 --> 00:01:42,928
What are you doing?
51
00:01:42,930 --> 00:01:45,631
I am looking for free air conditioning.
52
00:01:45,633 --> 00:01:46,765
Boom!
53
00:01:46,767 --> 00:01:49,500
This guy on Tinder says
he's got central air.
54
00:01:49,502 --> 00:01:51,769
You're gonna sleep
with a guy for air conditioning?
55
00:01:51,771 --> 00:01:53,839
Maybe.
56
00:01:53,841 --> 00:01:55,574
[scoffs] Fine, I'll turn it down.
57
00:01:55,576 --> 00:01:58,275
[sighs] I wasn't really gonna bang him.
58
00:01:58,277 --> 00:01:59,577
I wouldn't care if you did.
59
00:01:59,579 --> 00:02:01,279
I just want the company.
60
00:02:01,281 --> 00:02:03,481
Mm, I was totally gonna bang him.
61
00:02:03,483 --> 00:02:04,583
I know.
62
00:02:04,585 --> 00:02:06,888
♪
63
00:02:10,138 --> 00:02:13,041
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
64
00:02:13,793 --> 00:02:16,229
♪
65
00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:19,007
- So we're at the little table...
- Mm-hmm.
66
00:02:19,032 --> 00:02:20,432
...with the creams and sugars.
67
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:22,566
We both go for the organic hemp milk.
68
00:02:22,568 --> 00:02:23,836
Hello?
69
00:02:23,838 --> 00:02:25,404
Our hands touch.
70
00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:27,366
He does not recoil
like a straight guy would.
71
00:02:27,391 --> 00:02:29,607
Ooh, what happened next?
Did you touch his peen?
72
00:02:29,609 --> 00:02:30,941
No, no, no, no.
73
00:02:30,943 --> 00:02:32,772
- He's gonna come over tomorrow.
- Mm-hmm.
74
00:02:32,797 --> 00:02:34,646
I've got the whole
seduction thing planned.
75
00:02:34,648 --> 00:02:36,681
I just want David's first gay experience
76
00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:39,451
- to be... perfect.
- Wait, first?
77
00:02:39,453 --> 00:02:41,925
- I thought you said he was bi-curious.
- Yeah, exactly.
78
00:02:41,950 --> 00:02:43,681
Bi-curious means
that you're interested in men
79
00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:45,134
but you haven't done anything with one.
80
00:02:45,159 --> 00:02:46,291
Oooh!
81
00:02:46,293 --> 00:02:48,793
When do I get my time
with the bi-curious prince?
82
00:02:48,795 --> 00:02:51,095
You don't, Nicole, you don't. He's mine.
83
00:02:51,097 --> 00:02:52,575
Oh, come on, I'll go second.
84
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,933
- Oh, that's disgusting.
- Ooooh, sloppy seconds.
85
00:02:55,935 --> 00:02:57,903
Okay, you know what? We can do it.
86
00:02:57,905 --> 00:02:59,470
- NICOLE: Yeah?
- DEVON: Yeah.
87
00:02:59,472 --> 00:03:01,773
♪
88
00:03:01,775 --> 00:03:05,344
They put me up in
Mesa, Arizona, for three days.
89
00:03:05,346 --> 00:03:09,113
They flew me out in economy plus.
90
00:03:09,115 --> 00:03:11,649
I am so jealous you booked a commercial.
91
00:03:11,651 --> 00:03:14,153
You're like the most
successful person I know.
92
00:03:14,155 --> 00:03:15,320
How much you make on that?
93
00:03:15,322 --> 00:03:17,790
Before taxes, almost two grand.
94
00:03:17,792 --> 00:03:20,225
Ohh-ooh, God damn!
95
00:03:20,227 --> 00:03:21,756
- You're living life.
- [laughs]
96
00:03:21,781 --> 00:03:23,261
Could you say the line
from the commercial?
97
00:03:23,263 --> 00:03:25,664
No, she's not a trained monkey, Devon.
98
00:03:25,666 --> 00:03:28,200
¡Usted podría ser un millonario!
99
00:03:28,202 --> 00:03:29,968
[cheering]
100
00:03:29,970 --> 00:03:32,147
Thank you, guys. Thank you.
101
00:03:32,172 --> 00:03:34,075
- I do have to go though, so...
- Wait.
102
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,406
Do... do you have an agent?
103
00:03:35,408 --> 00:03:37,692
I have got to figure out
how you booked this commercial?
104
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,624
I just saw the audition
on castingnet.net.
105
00:03:39,649 --> 00:03:41,530
Isn't that site
like 100 bucks per month?
106
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:42,681
My dad pays for it.
107
00:03:42,683 --> 00:03:44,676
I can text you my login.
108
00:03:44,701 --> 00:03:46,401
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh, yah!
109
00:03:46,426 --> 00:03:47,800
Can you do it now?
110
00:03:47,825 --> 00:03:48,915
I just don't want you
to forget about it.
111
00:03:48,940 --> 00:03:50,622
Oh, sure.
112
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,854
So, Nicole, what have you
like booked lately?
113
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,099
[phone buzzes]
114
00:04:00,101 --> 00:04:01,207
Uh, got it.
115
00:04:01,232 --> 00:04:03,418
[laughs] Thank you so much, Amanda.
116
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:04,779
- You're welcome.
- Bye.
117
00:04:04,804 --> 00:04:05,904
- Bye!
- Bye!
118
00:04:05,906 --> 00:04:06,804
Okay, bye.
119
00:04:06,806 --> 00:04:07,672
So fun.
120
00:04:07,674 --> 00:04:09,574
I am so glad I stopped acting.
121
00:04:09,576 --> 00:04:11,394
Didn't you quit like a month
after moving out here?
122
00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,145
Worst month of my life.
123
00:04:13,147 --> 00:04:15,154
I hated all the rejection,
the uncertainty.
124
00:04:15,179 --> 00:04:17,550
Well, I like it.
It fits in with my lifestyle.
125
00:04:17,552 --> 00:04:18,816
[phone buzzes]
126
00:04:18,818 --> 00:04:20,155
Oh, it's Derrick.
127
00:04:21,321 --> 00:04:23,187
- S-U?
- NICOLE AND DEVON: Still up?
128
00:04:23,189 --> 00:04:24,962
What, he's so busy not working
129
00:04:24,987 --> 00:04:27,025
he doesn't have time
to write out "still up"?
130
00:04:27,027 --> 00:04:30,227
I know, but his dick.
Oh-wee, it is so good.
131
00:04:30,252 --> 00:04:31,736
- Are you okay with me leaving?
- Yeah, go.
132
00:04:31,761 --> 00:04:32,831
Okay, bye.
133
00:04:32,833 --> 00:04:34,165
- Bye.
- Bye.
134
00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:36,134
♪
135
00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:39,703
♪ Girl, just let me ride ♪
136
00:04:39,705 --> 00:04:41,780
You know, now that I found this website,
137
00:04:41,805 --> 00:04:43,280
I'm gonna go on way more auditions.
138
00:04:43,305 --> 00:04:44,809
I'll probably even book one.
139
00:04:44,811 --> 00:04:45,811
Great.
140
00:04:48,849 --> 00:04:50,982
I wish Amanda had given me
her login like two years ago.
141
00:04:50,984 --> 00:04:52,291
That dumb bitch.
142
00:04:52,316 --> 00:04:54,619
- You smell good tonight.
- I got McDonald's earlier.
143
00:04:54,621 --> 00:04:56,655
BOTH: Mmmm.
144
00:04:56,657 --> 00:04:58,570
You know, after I book a commercial,
145
00:04:58,595 --> 00:05:00,891
my foot's like basically in the door.
146
00:05:00,893 --> 00:05:03,781
I'm gonna get cast as Emma Stone's
black best friend in a rom-com.
147
00:05:03,806 --> 00:05:05,145
"I'll finish this presentation, Maddie.
148
00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:07,432
You go get your man."
149
00:05:07,434 --> 00:05:09,134
[sighs] Look, babe,
150
00:05:09,136 --> 00:05:11,502
kinda losing my chub
with all this talking.
151
00:05:11,504 --> 00:05:13,739
Why don't you come
get this chocolate pie?
152
00:05:13,741 --> 00:05:15,576
- Okay.
- Yeah.
153
00:05:19,780 --> 00:05:22,313
Oh, no, no, no, can you
go sleep on the couch, please?
154
00:05:22,338 --> 00:05:23,448
This is my place.
155
00:05:23,450 --> 00:05:26,317
I know, but you sweat a lot
when you sleep, so...
156
00:05:26,319 --> 00:05:28,861
Fine, can you at least
give me your Netflix password
157
00:05:28,886 --> 00:05:31,087
- so I can watch TV?
- Bigoltitties344.
158
00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:32,401
All one word, all lowercase.
159
00:05:32,426 --> 00:05:35,259
Ah, I could've sworn
it was boobies. [laughs]
160
00:05:35,261 --> 00:05:38,896
No, no, no, no. Here you go.
161
00:05:38,898 --> 00:05:40,999
I wouldn't be doing this
if you weren't so good at sex.
162
00:05:41,001 --> 00:05:41,999
I know.
163
00:05:42,001 --> 00:05:43,899
♪ I got a perfect pussy ♪
164
00:05:43,924 --> 00:05:47,911
♪ Mm-hmm, everybody wants
a piece of this pie ♪
165
00:05:47,936 --> 00:05:51,876
♪ Mm-hmm, chocolate pussy pie ♪♪
166
00:05:51,878 --> 00:05:55,146
♪
167
00:05:55,148 --> 00:05:57,626
So I packed some snacks
for Troy to take to the park.
168
00:05:57,651 --> 00:05:58,993
Oh, did you pack those fruit snacks?
169
00:05:59,018 --> 00:06:00,899
He really likes those fruit snacks.
170
00:06:00,924 --> 00:06:01,939
Really?
171
00:06:01,964 --> 00:06:03,655
He never eats them at home.
172
00:06:03,657 --> 00:06:05,323
Oh, weird.
173
00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:07,039
Oh, no, no, the cherry ones.
174
00:06:08,729 --> 00:06:12,108
So, he has Suzuki Method
at two, Kumon at four.
175
00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:15,365
And he can watch six minutes
of PBS if he's good.
176
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:17,015
Oh, he's always good.
177
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,203
Hi, Troy.
178
00:06:18,228 --> 00:06:19,647
Hi, Nicole.
179
00:06:19,672 --> 00:06:21,617
BOTH: Double double, front front.
180
00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:23,125
Double double, back back.
181
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,944
Double front, double back.
182
00:06:25,946 --> 00:06:28,565
We packed you lots of
fruit snacks just like you like.
183
00:06:28,590 --> 00:06:30,473
- What?
- Oh, we gotta go.
184
00:06:30,498 --> 00:06:31,900
Bye!
185
00:06:35,823 --> 00:06:38,155
That casting notice was a real letdown.
186
00:06:38,157 --> 00:06:39,324
I can see what you mean.
187
00:06:39,326 --> 00:06:41,708
Sexy beach blond,
All-American dream girl,
188
00:06:41,733 --> 00:06:44,505
demure Asian type, fiery redhead.
189
00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:45,817
Oh, I found something.
190
00:06:45,842 --> 00:06:48,131
Twenties, black, sexy.
191
00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:49,367
Oh, no.
192
00:06:49,369 --> 00:06:51,737
Ugh, this sounds horrible.
193
00:06:51,739 --> 00:06:53,004
No, tell me.
194
00:06:53,006 --> 00:06:55,273
It's for a hooker named Big Butt Bertha
195
00:06:55,275 --> 00:06:58,009
who's as wide as she is horny.
196
00:06:58,011 --> 00:07:01,278
Eh, that is... perfect.
197
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,949
Oh, girl, no, it's not.
198
00:07:03,951 --> 00:07:05,984
Oh, and the audition's
in 40 minutes anyway.
199
00:07:05,986 --> 00:07:07,985
Forward it to me.
200
00:07:07,987 --> 00:07:09,187
No, no!
201
00:07:09,189 --> 00:07:11,491
- Hey, back off, it's mine.
- I gotta go.
202
00:07:12,859 --> 00:07:14,179
It's mine!
203
00:07:17,330 --> 00:07:19,764
Stop where you are.
204
00:07:19,766 --> 00:07:22,600
You think you're pretty cool, huh?
205
00:07:22,602 --> 00:07:24,176
Do you know what the phrase
206
00:07:24,201 --> 00:07:26,670
"what goes around comes around" means?
207
00:07:26,672 --> 00:07:27,571
No.
208
00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:29,326
Well, it means this.
209
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:37,249
You mess with him again, and
I'll post this pissy pants shot
210
00:07:37,251 --> 00:07:39,482
to every school in a five-mile radius.
211
00:07:39,507 --> 00:07:41,251
Now beat it!
212
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,084
- Thank you...
- Save it for the car.
213
00:07:43,109 --> 00:07:45,058
We gotta go, okay?
Come on, come on, come on.
214
00:07:46,728 --> 00:07:48,361
♪
215
00:07:48,363 --> 00:07:50,063
You okay? That kid hurt you?
216
00:07:50,065 --> 00:07:51,178
No, I'm great.
217
00:07:51,203 --> 00:07:53,132
You made it look like he peed his pants.
218
00:07:53,134 --> 00:07:54,835
I did.
219
00:07:54,837 --> 00:07:57,270
Listen, you gotta start
standing up for yourself.
220
00:07:57,272 --> 00:07:58,513
I'm not always gonna be there.
221
00:07:58,538 --> 00:07:59,705
Are you quitting?
222
00:07:59,707 --> 00:08:01,507
Oh, God, no, but I'm probably gonna book
223
00:08:01,509 --> 00:08:03,743
a really cool acting job real soon.
224
00:08:03,745 --> 00:08:04,943
Now help me learn my lines.
225
00:08:04,945 --> 00:08:05,745
Who am I again?
226
00:08:05,747 --> 00:08:08,015
You're King, my pimp.
227
00:08:08,017 --> 00:08:08,847
What's a pimp?
228
00:08:08,849 --> 00:08:10,515
Uh, a really mean boss.
229
00:08:10,517 --> 00:08:12,585
Now, uh, what's the line?
230
00:08:12,587 --> 00:08:14,486
"Listen, King, you can't be
taking all my money.
231
00:08:14,488 --> 00:08:15,688
I earned that on my back."
232
00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:19,125
Listen, King,
you can't be taking my money.
233
00:08:19,127 --> 00:08:21,160
I earned that on my back.
234
00:08:21,162 --> 00:08:22,261
"I don't care.
235
00:08:22,263 --> 00:08:23,730
"When you work for King,
you get him his money.
236
00:08:23,732 --> 00:08:26,832
You know I'm a crazy ass"... I
can't say that word.
237
00:08:26,834 --> 00:08:28,634
Wyatt got in trouble at school
for saying that.
238
00:08:28,636 --> 00:08:30,470
As he very well should have.
239
00:08:30,472 --> 00:08:33,172
But, listen, we're saying it for
a very important reason today.
240
00:08:33,174 --> 00:08:36,241
My mom says I should never
say the N word for any reason.
241
00:08:36,243 --> 00:08:37,443
Okay, listen, Troy.
242
00:08:37,445 --> 00:08:39,379
Black people can say that word.
243
00:08:39,381 --> 00:08:42,847
And Taiwanese people
are the black people of Asia.
244
00:08:42,849 --> 00:08:43,650
We are?
245
00:08:43,652 --> 00:08:44,884
Yeah, sure.
246
00:08:44,886 --> 00:08:46,519
Plus we're in a car, nobody can hear us.
247
00:08:46,521 --> 00:08:47,819
All right, let's try it again.
248
00:08:47,821 --> 00:08:51,090
And remember, you're a very mean boss.
249
00:08:51,092 --> 00:08:52,225
Okay.
250
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:54,928
Listen, King,
you can't be taking my money.
251
00:08:54,930 --> 00:08:56,298
I earned...
252
00:08:58,367 --> 00:08:59,732
[soft music plays]
253
00:08:59,734 --> 00:09:02,769
Can I interest you a glass
of Cabernet Sauvignon?
254
00:09:02,771 --> 00:09:04,636
It's from my cousin's vineyard in Rome.
255
00:09:04,638 --> 00:09:06,739
Uh, you got any beer?
256
00:09:06,741 --> 00:09:08,473
Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm all out.
257
00:09:08,475 --> 00:09:10,809
I could, uh, go to the store
to get some,
258
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:13,313
but I'd have to get changed.
259
00:09:13,315 --> 00:09:14,579
You got any corn nuts?
260
00:09:14,581 --> 00:09:16,549
I don't know what that is.
261
00:09:16,551 --> 00:09:17,985
Cheers.
262
00:09:22,123 --> 00:09:25,391
So, um, you ever go to Running Canyon?
263
00:09:25,393 --> 00:09:27,459
I mean, yeah, sometimes.
264
00:09:27,461 --> 00:09:31,029
Look, what do we want out of this?
265
00:09:31,031 --> 00:09:32,664
Are you looking for a hiking buddy
266
00:09:32,666 --> 00:09:35,702
or are you looking for
a real strong lover?
267
00:09:35,704 --> 00:09:37,202
I don't know.
268
00:09:37,204 --> 00:09:39,706
I guess I never really
thought this through.
269
00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:40,640
I do like hiking though.
270
00:09:40,642 --> 00:09:42,342
Shhhh.
271
00:09:42,344 --> 00:09:44,778
You're about to say something,
and I don't wanna hear it.
272
00:09:44,780 --> 00:09:48,313
[music turned up louder]
273
00:09:48,315 --> 00:09:50,616
This is the song of my heart.
274
00:09:50,618 --> 00:09:53,586
[imitating beating heart]
275
00:09:53,588 --> 00:09:55,688
Okay.
276
00:09:55,690 --> 00:09:59,192
[imitating beating heart]
277
00:09:59,194 --> 00:10:01,660
Beat you, owe me a kiss.
278
00:10:01,662 --> 00:10:04,364
So when your mom asks
what we did today...
279
00:10:04,366 --> 00:10:05,731
My piano was so much fun.
280
00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:07,433
We played Concerto Number Four.
281
00:10:07,435 --> 00:10:09,235
Kumon took forever.
282
00:10:09,237 --> 00:10:10,370
I hate fractions.
283
00:10:10,372 --> 00:10:12,404
You are a good kid.
284
00:10:12,406 --> 00:10:13,872
Double double, front front.
285
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,475
Double double, back back.
286
00:10:15,477 --> 00:10:17,242
Double... uh, you screwed up.
287
00:10:17,244 --> 00:10:19,178
Come on.
288
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:23,182
[moaning]
289
00:10:23,184 --> 00:10:24,353
Hey.
290
00:10:25,619 --> 00:10:27,286
You're not my white man.
291
00:10:27,288 --> 00:10:28,221
Where's Devon?
292
00:10:28,223 --> 00:10:29,555
DEVON: I'm kinda busy right now.
293
00:10:29,557 --> 00:10:31,457
Sorry. Hi, I'm Nicole.
294
00:10:31,459 --> 00:10:33,393
Uh, you must be David.
295
00:10:33,395 --> 00:10:35,193
- Uh-huh.
- Nice to meet you.
296
00:10:35,195 --> 00:10:36,730
Hey, Devon, when you're done down there,
297
00:10:36,732 --> 00:10:37,896
I wanna tell you about my audition.
298
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,164
DEVON: Yeah, okay, bye.
299
00:10:39,166 --> 00:10:40,600
Bye.
300
00:10:40,602 --> 00:10:41,837
DEVON: Where was I?
301
00:10:43,937 --> 00:10:46,105
- Did he leave?
- Yes.
302
00:10:46,107 --> 00:10:48,106
[sighs] Okay.
303
00:10:48,108 --> 00:10:49,842
We need to talk about
what just happened.
304
00:10:49,844 --> 00:10:51,678
Oh, he released a squib?
305
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,746
No. He asked me to stop.
306
00:10:54,748 --> 00:10:56,448
Look, that's never
happened to me before.
307
00:10:56,450 --> 00:10:58,851
Oh my God, is it because
I interrupted you guys?
308
00:10:58,853 --> 00:11:00,852
No, the male orgasm is like Pringles.
309
00:11:00,854 --> 00:11:02,989
Once you pop, you cannot stop.
310
00:11:02,991 --> 00:11:04,823
Why do you think he asked you to stop?
311
00:11:04,825 --> 00:11:06,391
Did somebody ask you to stop before?
312
00:11:06,393 --> 00:11:08,830
[laughing]
313
00:11:11,499 --> 00:11:12,799
No!
314
00:11:12,801 --> 00:11:15,235
[laughing] No.
315
00:11:15,237 --> 00:11:16,403
No, honey.
316
00:11:16,405 --> 00:11:18,670
Maybe I'm just not as good
as I thought I was.
317
00:11:18,672 --> 00:11:20,740
No, you just need some tips.
318
00:11:20,742 --> 00:11:22,408
You know who you should talk to?
Veronica.
319
00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:24,544
She eats a Popsicle
with a knife and fork.
320
00:11:24,546 --> 00:11:25,745
She may look like a lady,
321
00:11:25,747 --> 00:11:28,047
but when the lights go off, she a freak.
322
00:11:28,049 --> 00:11:30,482
In college, she made this guy pass out.
323
00:11:30,484 --> 00:11:31,382
Could you set up a meeting?
324
00:11:31,384 --> 00:11:32,584
Mm-hmm.
325
00:11:32,586 --> 00:11:33,718
Are you kidding me?
326
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,422
Why did you tell him I'm the BJ Queen?
327
00:11:35,424 --> 00:11:38,091
Because you made
that guy in college pass out.
328
00:11:38,093 --> 00:11:39,925
Yeah, but I don't know
if that was my legendary skills
329
00:11:39,927 --> 00:11:41,961
or just an allergic reaction to shrimp.
330
00:11:41,963 --> 00:11:43,630
You know he almost died?
331
00:11:43,632 --> 00:11:46,165
[laughs] I bet that's every guy's dream.
332
00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:48,601
Death by beej.
333
00:11:48,603 --> 00:11:51,536
You know, all that being said,
I've never had any complaints.
334
00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,805
And I do have a 100% success rate.
335
00:11:53,807 --> 00:11:55,942
So I'll take the title,
I'm the BJ Queen.
336
00:11:55,944 --> 00:11:58,144
Ooh, no, could I be
the Duchess of Blowchester?
337
00:11:58,146 --> 00:11:59,212
Yeah, whatever.
338
00:11:59,237 --> 00:12:01,079
He'll be at your house in two hours.
339
00:12:01,081 --> 00:12:02,156
Okay.
340
00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:03,866
I wish I could say I had
something to do, but I don't.
341
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:04,947
So that's fine.
342
00:12:04,972 --> 00:12:07,553
- [phone vibrates]
- [gasps] Ooh, new audition posted.
343
00:12:07,555 --> 00:12:08,821
What is it?
344
00:12:08,823 --> 00:12:10,622
It's a commercial
for depression medication.
345
00:12:10,624 --> 00:12:11,924
"Seeking mothers and sons,
346
00:12:11,926 --> 00:12:14,693
all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities."
347
00:12:14,695 --> 00:12:15,962
I'm an ethnicity.
348
00:12:15,964 --> 00:12:17,429
But you're not a mother.
349
00:12:17,431 --> 00:12:19,334
♪
350
00:12:20,438 --> 00:12:21,711
You sure this is okay?
351
00:12:21,736 --> 00:12:23,803
Yeah. You guys have done so much for me.
352
00:12:23,805 --> 00:12:25,471
I wanna do something nice for you.
353
00:12:25,473 --> 00:12:27,906
Thank you. I could use a free afternoon.
354
00:12:27,908 --> 00:12:29,842
No prob. Come on, let's go, buddy.
355
00:12:29,844 --> 00:12:31,476
- MOM: Bye.
- Bye.
356
00:12:31,478 --> 00:12:33,614
What park are we going to today, Nicole?
357
00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:37,583
For the next two hours, call me Mom.
358
00:12:37,585 --> 00:12:39,718
♪
359
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:40,988
[knocking at door]
360
00:12:45,859 --> 00:12:48,827
Okay, okay. All right.
361
00:12:48,829 --> 00:12:50,208
[whistling]
362
00:12:50,233 --> 00:12:51,270
What are you doing?
363
00:12:51,272 --> 00:12:53,677
I was just expecting your place
to have a ton of cats.
364
00:12:53,702 --> 00:12:55,472
Yeah, well, it must be
nice for you to be in a place
365
00:12:55,497 --> 00:12:56,879
that's not covered in garbage.
366
00:12:56,904 --> 00:12:58,603
Touché. Spicy.
367
00:12:58,605 --> 00:13:01,106
- Thank you.
- So, is this the first time
368
00:13:01,108 --> 00:13:03,610
that we've ever hung out without Nicole?
369
00:13:03,612 --> 00:13:04,612
I think it is.
370
00:13:07,415 --> 00:13:09,148
Okay! Enough chit-chat,
371
00:13:09,150 --> 00:13:10,949
teach me that blowjob magic.
372
00:13:10,951 --> 00:13:13,018
I'll put on some tea.
373
00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:14,197
Do you have bergamot?
374
00:13:14,222 --> 00:13:17,457
Um, are you okay with mint?
375
00:13:17,459 --> 00:13:19,692
♪
376
00:13:19,694 --> 00:13:20,760
But we don't look alike.
377
00:13:20,762 --> 00:13:22,127
Yeah, I know that.
378
00:13:22,129 --> 00:13:23,862
You'll be playing my adopted son.
379
00:13:23,864 --> 00:13:25,597
My husband and I took a trip to Taiwan,
380
00:13:25,599 --> 00:13:28,033
and we found you in a dumpster
behind our hotel.
381
00:13:28,035 --> 00:13:29,635
Like my friend Kevin.
382
00:13:29,637 --> 00:13:31,504
Exactly, just like Kevin.
383
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:32,771
Who Kevin?
384
00:13:32,773 --> 00:13:35,174
♪
385
00:13:35,176 --> 00:13:37,242
Is this the audition
for the real families?
386
00:13:37,244 --> 00:13:38,611
Oh, adopted?
387
00:13:38,613 --> 00:13:40,413
Mm, yeah, he's a rescue.
388
00:13:40,415 --> 00:13:41,414
Sorry, they cast
389
00:13:41,416 --> 00:13:44,150
the nontraditional families yesterday.
390
00:13:44,152 --> 00:13:46,151
Oh.
391
00:13:46,853 --> 00:13:48,420
Excuse us for a second.
392
00:13:48,422 --> 00:13:50,356
Come on, little dude.
393
00:13:50,358 --> 00:13:53,992
Up next, we have Nicole Byer
and Troy Byer-Wong.
394
00:13:53,994 --> 00:13:56,962
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
395
00:13:56,964 --> 00:13:59,598
♪ What, what, what, what ♪
396
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,936
♪♪
397
00:14:05,442 --> 00:14:06,932
WOMAN: Whenever you're ready.
398
00:14:06,957 --> 00:14:08,650
Depression's hard on me.
399
00:14:08,675 --> 00:14:10,377
But it's harder on my son.
400
00:14:10,379 --> 00:14:12,213
Okay. Very nice.
401
00:14:12,215 --> 00:14:15,523
But we're just looking for
real people with real stories.
402
00:14:15,548 --> 00:14:17,118
We just wanna know
about you and your son.
403
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,420
- What?
- Like basic stuff.
404
00:14:19,422 --> 00:14:21,544
Your husband. How'd you meet him?
405
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,739
Uh, you... you mean Gary?
406
00:14:23,764 --> 00:14:25,170
Yeah, Gary.
407
00:14:26,350 --> 00:14:28,161
I was in Taiwan.
408
00:14:28,163 --> 00:14:29,195
She found me...
409
00:14:29,197 --> 00:14:31,399
Sssh, come on,
Mommy's speaking, shut up.
410
00:14:31,401 --> 00:14:35,569
Okay, so I was on vacation
with some girlfriends.
411
00:14:35,571 --> 00:14:37,871
I met him at the bar.
412
00:14:37,873 --> 00:14:39,540
He was a Taiwanese man.
413
00:14:39,542 --> 00:14:43,609
He was super handsome and nice,
and tiny like they are.
414
00:14:43,611 --> 00:14:45,378
Like itsy bitsy. Like really tiny.
415
00:14:45,380 --> 00:14:47,381
And I know you're like
looking at me, and you're like,
416
00:14:47,383 --> 00:14:49,017
"That's a big girl.
She can't like little men."
417
00:14:49,042 --> 00:14:51,785
- I like 'em little, okay?
- [laughs]
418
00:14:51,787 --> 00:14:53,352
A little Polly Pocket of man?
419
00:14:53,354 --> 00:14:55,322
Yes, you're gonna give it to me.
420
00:14:55,324 --> 00:14:56,957
Um, mm, yes.
421
00:14:56,959 --> 00:15:00,428
Oh, wait, and he loves me back so much.
422
00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:01,493
Like so much.
423
00:15:01,495 --> 00:15:05,165
This tiny, proud, Taiwanese man.
424
00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:06,065
But you know what?
425
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:08,068
His mom... mm.
426
00:15:08,070 --> 00:15:10,404
- That bitch don't like me. No.
- [laughs]
427
00:15:10,406 --> 00:15:11,538
She's always creeping past me,
428
00:15:11,540 --> 00:15:13,906
just whispering, "Darkness, darkness."
429
00:15:13,908 --> 00:15:15,909
[laughing] You're hilarious.
430
00:15:15,911 --> 00:15:17,511
Oh, well, thank you.
431
00:15:17,513 --> 00:15:18,945
Did I get it?
432
00:15:18,947 --> 00:15:21,649
Oh no, this is a commercial
for depression medication.
433
00:15:21,651 --> 00:15:22,852
You're not right for this.
434
00:15:24,986 --> 00:15:27,887
Okay, uh, can you... [sighs]
435
00:15:27,889 --> 00:15:30,491
Can you at least tell me
what I'm doing wrong?
436
00:15:30,493 --> 00:15:32,058
You're not doing anything wrong.
437
00:15:32,060 --> 00:15:33,727
Then why can't I get a job?
438
00:15:33,729 --> 00:15:36,429
Or an agent? Or a manager?
439
00:15:36,431 --> 00:15:38,765
Here's the number of a manager
who would love you.
440
00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:41,267
She reps new comedians.
441
00:15:41,269 --> 00:15:42,702
Like seriously?
442
00:15:42,704 --> 00:15:44,438
I am happy to recommend you.
443
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,474
[laughs] I'm gonna go home
and tell Gary about this.
444
00:15:47,476 --> 00:15:50,745
Whoo-hoo, I'm gonna get
some Taiwanese dick tonight.
445
00:15:50,747 --> 00:15:53,579
[laughs] Okay. That went too far.
446
00:15:53,581 --> 00:15:55,582
All right, Troy, come on.
447
00:15:55,584 --> 00:15:56,650
Let's go.
448
00:15:56,652 --> 00:15:57,920
Bye.
449
00:16:00,156 --> 00:16:00,953
I'm not crazy.
450
00:16:00,955 --> 00:16:02,454
She painted an Asian kid, right?
451
00:16:02,456 --> 00:16:03,458
Mm-hmm.
452
00:16:05,226 --> 00:16:09,728
I guess you just kinda like
grab it, put it in.
453
00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:10,698
[whispers] Put it in.
454
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:12,332
Take it out.
455
00:16:12,334 --> 00:16:14,668
Kinda just repeat that.
456
00:16:14,670 --> 00:16:15,702
That's it?
457
00:16:15,704 --> 00:16:17,170
That's your expertise?
458
00:16:17,172 --> 00:16:18,838
These are high school level tips.
459
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,506
Okay, you're the one
that asked me for help.
460
00:16:20,508 --> 00:16:21,741
It just sounds boring, okay?
461
00:16:21,743 --> 00:16:23,109
If you did that to me, I'd fall asleep.
462
00:16:23,111 --> 00:16:25,712
Yeah, well, no one's
ever asked me to stop.
463
00:16:25,714 --> 00:16:28,314
[sighs]
464
00:16:28,316 --> 00:16:29,582
You're right.
465
00:16:29,584 --> 00:16:30,950
I failed.
466
00:16:30,952 --> 00:16:34,688
And because of me,
he's no longer bi-curious.
467
00:16:34,690 --> 00:16:36,723
- So he's only been with women?
- Yeah.
468
00:16:36,725 --> 00:16:37,857
Interesting.
469
00:16:37,859 --> 00:16:38,992
Interesting? What?
470
00:16:38,994 --> 00:16:40,260
Well, he's only been with women,
471
00:16:40,262 --> 00:16:42,094
so that's what he's used to
and that's what he likes.
472
00:16:42,096 --> 00:16:43,496
Are you saying that I can't do that
473
00:16:43,498 --> 00:16:44,698
as well as a woman can?
474
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:45,832
It's impossible, okay?
475
00:16:45,834 --> 00:16:47,734
I worship it. I savor it.
476
00:16:47,736 --> 00:16:49,035
I never want the moment to end.
477
00:16:49,037 --> 00:16:50,871
It's my little king,
I'm its little prince.
478
00:16:50,873 --> 00:16:51,938
That's the problem.
479
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:53,807
You're enjoying it too much.
480
00:16:53,809 --> 00:16:55,075
If you wanna make him happy,
481
00:16:55,077 --> 00:16:56,676
you have to give it to him
like a woman would.
482
00:16:56,678 --> 00:16:58,043
And that is?
483
00:16:58,045 --> 00:16:59,512
A woman does it as quick as she can.
484
00:16:59,514 --> 00:17:01,380
Treat it like a water bottle
at airport security.
485
00:17:01,382 --> 00:17:03,349
Just chug it down as fast as possible
486
00:17:03,351 --> 00:17:04,885
and get to your gate.
487
00:17:04,887 --> 00:17:06,853
And by gate, I, of course,
obviously, mean sex.
488
00:17:06,855 --> 00:17:07,887
I get it.
489
00:17:07,889 --> 00:17:09,356
I just have to act like a girl.
490
00:17:09,358 --> 00:17:11,692
Do it fast, disconnected,
with a scrunchy.
491
00:17:11,694 --> 00:17:12,829
Yes.
492
00:17:14,263 --> 00:17:15,428
This has been fun.
493
00:17:15,430 --> 00:17:16,629
I'm kinda glad we did this.
494
00:17:16,631 --> 00:17:19,264
Although, we could've done it
over text message.
495
00:17:19,266 --> 00:17:20,334
Yeah.
496
00:17:20,336 --> 00:17:21,533
Next time.
497
00:17:21,535 --> 00:17:22,695
There won't be a next time.
498
00:17:23,871 --> 00:17:25,338
Bye, bitch.
499
00:17:25,340 --> 00:17:27,209
♪
500
00:17:30,612 --> 00:17:32,178
I have a manager.
501
00:17:32,180 --> 00:17:34,414
I mean, I still have
to like call her and everything,
502
00:17:34,416 --> 00:17:36,683
but I have a manager.
503
00:17:36,685 --> 00:17:38,617
That's huge. I'm so proud of you.
504
00:17:38,619 --> 00:17:41,888
Mmmm, thank you.
505
00:17:41,890 --> 00:17:44,258
Hold on a sec.
506
00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:45,361
Pick it up.
507
00:17:49,430 --> 00:17:50,396
VERONICA: Still there?
508
00:17:50,398 --> 00:17:51,565
Yeah.
509
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:55,034
I think I just put some hair
on this kid's balls.
510
00:17:55,036 --> 00:17:57,203
His own hair, right?
511
00:17:57,205 --> 00:17:59,172
♪
512
00:17:59,174 --> 00:18:01,206
I guarantee you that kid
won't mess with you again.
513
00:18:01,208 --> 00:18:02,122
I know!
514
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:04,711
See, good things happen
when you stand up for yourself.
515
00:18:04,713 --> 00:18:06,812
Hey, if your mom asks...
516
00:18:06,814 --> 00:18:08,348
We just went to the park.
517
00:18:08,350 --> 00:18:10,916
And it's not lying, it's acting.
518
00:18:10,918 --> 00:18:13,419
[in British accent] And acting is noble.
519
00:18:13,421 --> 00:18:15,021
[in normal voice] If you're good enough.
520
00:18:17,091 --> 00:18:18,459
Thanks again, Nicole.
521
00:18:18,461 --> 00:18:19,959
I had the best day.
522
00:18:19,961 --> 00:18:21,194
I got rid of those awful chairs,
523
00:18:21,196 --> 00:18:23,096
and I ordered some custom ones online.
524
00:18:23,098 --> 00:18:24,338
But the shipping is killing me.
525
00:18:26,568 --> 00:18:28,068
Ew, I don't want that.
526
00:18:28,070 --> 00:18:29,703
But it looks delicious.
527
00:18:29,705 --> 00:18:30,936
I want a burger.
528
00:18:30,938 --> 00:18:32,638
Well, you have to eat your healthy stew.
529
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,041
I don't care, Big Butt Bertha!
530
00:18:35,043 --> 00:18:37,743
When you work for Troy,
you get him his burger!
531
00:18:37,745 --> 00:18:39,244
I'm a crazy ass [bleep]!
532
00:18:39,246 --> 00:18:43,571
[gasps] Troy, you go upstairs right now!
533
00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:46,720
I am horrified.
534
00:18:46,722 --> 00:18:48,221
Listen, I can explain.
535
00:18:48,223 --> 00:18:49,588
I don't know where he got that from.
536
00:18:49,590 --> 00:18:52,959
But I can assure you, he did not
hear it in this house.
537
00:18:52,961 --> 00:18:54,528
Please, just let me pay you for the day.
538
00:18:54,530 --> 00:18:58,063
Okay. I'm offended,
but I will take this.
539
00:18:58,065 --> 00:19:00,867
As long as that never happens again.
540
00:19:00,869 --> 00:19:02,504
I mean, never.
541
00:19:03,368 --> 00:19:05,202
If you could take a trip
around the world with one guy,
542
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,507
who would it be?
543
00:19:06,509 --> 00:19:08,977
Mmm, Channing Pa-tay-tum.
544
00:19:08,979 --> 00:19:09,977
Pa-tay-tum?
545
00:19:09,979 --> 00:19:11,644
Yeah, he looks like a sexy potato.
546
00:19:11,646 --> 00:19:13,213
So I'm gonna call him
Channing Pa-tay-tum.
547
00:19:13,215 --> 00:19:15,583
[phone vibrating]
548
00:19:15,585 --> 00:19:16,517
VERONICA: Ooh, is that Derrick?
549
00:19:16,519 --> 00:19:18,219
No, it's Troy's mom.
550
00:19:18,221 --> 00:19:19,853
Oh God, I'm gonna get fired.
551
00:19:19,855 --> 00:19:22,155
She says she knows
who taught him the N word.
552
00:19:22,157 --> 00:19:23,792
Why are you teaching kids the N word?
553
00:19:23,794 --> 00:19:26,061
- I didn't do it on purpose.
- [phone vibrating]
554
00:19:26,063 --> 00:19:27,728
Oh, thank God.
555
00:19:27,730 --> 00:19:29,764
They think this kid Wyatt
taught it to him.
556
00:19:29,766 --> 00:19:31,265
They're putting him in counselling.
557
00:19:31,267 --> 00:19:33,500
Oooh, I'm in the clear. [laughs]
558
00:19:33,502 --> 00:19:36,336
[humming]
559
00:19:36,338 --> 00:19:37,638
So, how'd it go?
560
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,007
I did it!
561
00:19:39,009 --> 00:19:41,709
And I pretended to hate
every second of it.
562
00:19:41,711 --> 00:19:43,678
I didn't look it. I was rough with it.
563
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,613
I give it a little Indian burn.
I may have hit it.
564
00:19:45,615 --> 00:19:46,846
I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.
565
00:19:46,848 --> 00:19:48,915
All the while, I was just spaced out
566
00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:51,418
thinking about a hat I saw on Pinterest.
567
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:53,405
- I was the perfect straight girl.
- That's great!
568
00:19:53,430 --> 00:19:55,355
You'll be happy to know,
you're not the only one
569
00:19:55,357 --> 00:19:57,190
that can make a boy pass out.
570
00:19:57,192 --> 00:20:00,594
Whooo, that's what I'm talking about!
571
00:20:00,596 --> 00:20:03,096
Well, wait, is that shrimp?
572
00:20:03,098 --> 00:20:05,632
Yeah, it's a pivotal part
of my seduction routine.
573
00:20:05,634 --> 00:20:07,369
Mm, fresh.
574
00:20:07,371 --> 00:20:10,372
Okay, so you fed shrimp to David.
575
00:20:10,374 --> 00:20:12,172
And then pleasured him,
and then he passed out.
576
00:20:12,174 --> 00:20:13,607
One hundred percent, damn straight.
577
00:20:13,609 --> 00:20:15,744
Okay, you need to call 911. Let's go.
578
00:20:15,746 --> 00:20:18,513
- Oh, no!
- Yes, now 911, yes, yes.
579
00:20:18,515 --> 00:20:20,346
Someone call an ambulance.
580
00:20:20,348 --> 00:20:22,883
- VERONICA: He's dying.
- DEVON: 911, I'm calling it.
581
00:20:22,885 --> 00:20:24,221
These are very good.
582
00:20:24,245 --> 00:20:25,815
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com