-Ripped by Rapunzel-
When I was in junior high school,
I had this friend, John Ribisi,
and I would hang out at his house pretty regularly.
One day, in particular,
he hadn't told me that he was grounded.
And so, while we were hanging out, his mother comes home.
He's like, "Dude, you got to get out of my...
"got to get out of my room.
You have to jump out of my window."
And he was on the second floor.
I said, "I-I can't jump from a second story roof."
And he was like, "Come on." You know, "I'm grounded.
"If my mom catches you here,
she's gonna add, you know, days or weeks to my grounding."
So I crawl out onto the ledge outside of his window,
and I'm looking down and it's just...
cement underneath.
And, uh, and he's like, "Come on, dude."
You know, as his mother's making her way through the kitchen,
and you hear her footsteps coming through the house.
He's like, "Jump, jump, jump!"
I couldn't get myself to budge.
And then I just closed my eyes
and pictured myself going off of John Ribisi's roof.
And then, next thing I know, I open my eyes.
I've actually gone off of his roof.
My knees slam into my chin.
My palms and my hands are all scraped up.
And I peel myself up off the...
the ground and hobble off.
I think it was maybe three weeks that I had a limp.
But, um, you know,
I saved my buddy John from the wrath of his mom.
Wow, that's...
-disturbing. -Is it?
Yeah. - I mean,
it's the thing that I think about
when I have to do anything hard in life.
And, you know, I jumped off of John Ribisi's roof.
Hurt like hell, but I made it.
So, why are you telling us about this now?
I don't know. I guess because I'm about to
jump back into my life in Los Angeles.
Scared to leave us?
"Us"?
Who...
Who's the "us"?
Us... here in Mississippi.
Maybe so. Maybe so.
I do want to say
thank you to WKKU for letting me hang out here
for the past few weeks.
I want to give a very special thank you to Kate here.
And...
to John Ribisi.
I'm not gonna say the whole good-bye thing,
because every time I say good-bye to you,
you never leave.
Oh, well, sorry
for all the good-bye confusion.
How about just, uh...
see you later?
Okay.
Um, see you later, Kate.
Hope so.
Does this call for a... hug?
Sure.
I'm sure you hear this all the time,
but, um... you're really bad at hugging.
That's actually the first time.
-Won't be the last. -Okay.
You'll hear it more often, I'm sure.
-Okay, I'll let you know. -See you later.
See you later.
Do you have your boarding pass?
Yes.
Are you certain?
Perhaps you should check in your purse.
I don't have a purse, Bill.
And not 'cause she left it behind.
There's no reason to turn around.
Don't worry, Bill.
There's nothing standing in the way of me leaving.
Uh, Bill?
Did they relocate the domestic terminal?
No. I thought perhaps
you'd like to visit your mother before leaving town.
Are you sure she's in?
Well, she would have to be, wouldn't she?
You should have told me.
We both had secrets.
I didn't want to have secrets.
Neither did I.
Why didn't you tell me?
He said I couldn't tell anyone.
Me, too.
I know.
We are gonna tell each other everything now.
- Okay.
So, he was my first.
I was 17 and he was 35.
- Oh, my gosh. So much older.
He was my art teacher.
It was so romantic.
He was married though, right?
He was married and he swept me right off my feet.
I guess I got swept off my feet, too,
but in the literal sense because I was so tiny.
You never went all the way though, did you?
Ew, no!
Oh, good!
I did. Obviously.
- Yeah.
And then you went back to him.
Kind of.
Oh, it was true love.
Was it?
I think so.
Not for me.
Me neither.
Mine was a whole group of boys.
I got so much attention.
That's how I got here.
-Exciting! -I know!
Well, I got drugged at a party.
And woke up naked in the road.
- Oh.
So how many of you didn't even know the guy?
-I didn't! -Me!
Uh-huh. And how many were, like,
guys you really trusted?
...It's so wild
when someone you feel safe with
turns into, like, a total monster, right?
Quiet down.
Who's the square?
That's enough! Lights out!
We want to talk.
Yeah, why can't we talk?
You are a party pooper!
- Party pooper!
-Stop that! -Come on, Bill.
We just want to pummel somebody.
Party... pooper!
Let's go into my casket.
It's comfy there.
It's time to go, Tig.
I apologize if I interrupted your grief,
but we should get back on the road.
You're not going back to Brooke's, right?
Or are lesbians okay with that sort of thing?
You know we're human.
Legally, even. In every state now.
Except for this one, actually.
I'm gonna crash at Kyle's place,
until I save enough money, get my own apartment.
Do you, um...
Do you think maybe, like, we had a rough childhood?
Correct.
You're probably never coming back, right?
No, I'll probably be back for something.
Mom's gone now, so...
Yeah, but there's the Bay Saint Lucielle Mardi Gras.
You know I couldn't possibly miss that.
Right. Right.
I should probably get going.
I like to give the TSA plenty of time
to pat down my concave torso.
Take care of yourself.
And I you.
That doesn't make any sense.
And us we.
This is a security announcement.
Passengers are reminded not to leave...
Dominic. How can I help you?
Well, sir, my dad asked me to bring you something.
Well, please come in and please wipe your feet.
Uh... that's not...?
Not your cat. No, sorry.
I didn't mean to get your hopes up.
This is Spike.
My dad saw her outside of The Feedlot.
They were having pet adoptions.
He felt so bad about what happened to your cat,
- he wanted to do something to make up for it.
I don't understand why your father
feels he has to be so involved in this.
Wasn't his fault Tig let the cat out.
Well, sir, I think he believes it may have been my mother.
She left the door open?
She won't say.
But there's a Filipino superstition
about cats in the house of a deceased person.
They bring dark energy to the bereaved.
If she did do it, it would have been something
she thought would have helped you.
Why won't she say?
Everybody just felt so bad about everything.
Thank you for your kindness.
And your father.
Thank you for understanding, sir.
Hmm.
Hey. You can't wait here. Move it along. Let's move it.
Officer, I'm picking up my friend.
She had cancer. In both breasts.
And then she had this other totally horrible disease
that almost killed her, and then her mom died.
-Jesus, man. -I just don't want her
to have to wait for me to go around.
No, no. I understand.
-There she is. Tig! -That's her?
Yeah.
Let me get this for you, miss.
And let me be the first to welcome you home
- to L.A. - Thank you.
-Nice, right? Welcome home! -Oh...
- There's my little buddy.
Mr. Grabby Hands.
This living arrangement is gonna be strictly platonic,
by the way.
-Ouch. -Yeah.
-No banging? -No banging.
What about, like, a nude massage?
A knee massage?
Nude.
If you're the nude one.
Yeah, I'm nude and I rub your knee.
-Great. -Great.
-I'm in. -Thank you so much.
-Oh, not a problem. -I really appreciate it.
I understand.
My sister... she had a cancer scare.
Oh, my gosh.
-Yeah. -That's tough.
What kind of cancer?
Uh, brain, lung,
bone, breasts...
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, but, um...
How is she?
Oh, she's fine.
-Oh, she is? -Oh, yeah, yeah.
-She never had it. -Oh, she never had...
She never had it?
She doesn't have cancer and she never had cancer?
She just thought she had it,
- so that was the scare. - Oh...
And we all would just be praying and...
You know, she's looking a little green. I'm gonna take her home.
-Yeah, I'm not feeling well. -I better get her home.
Oh, no, no. Well, I get it.
I understand. Let me, uh, let me help you out.
- Thanks. - Thank you.
He thought, he thought she had it.
He thought she had it.
All right, you're home. What should we do first?
Bike along the beach? Pop into a weed dispensary?
-We don't do pot drugs. -I know,
but I thought you're in L.A.
No.
You want to try cryotherapy?
What is that, just open weeping?
No, no. It's this thing where you get into a pod closet,
they make it, like, a billion degrees below zero,
and then you just sit there
and suffer like hell for two minutes.
And then, when you get out, you have no inflammation
and you're basically ten years younger.
Oh, man. So if I stayed in there for a long time,
would I come out like a tiny little infant?
You'd be... you'd come out a tiny little Tig.
Maybe I should do that before I see Brooke tonight.
She can't get mad at a newborn baby.
Is that back on?
Uh, no, thank you.
I just need to get my mom's car
back from her and the rest of my stuff.
Oh, how'd you leave it with that hot newscaster?
-For dead. -Oh.
That whole adventure came to a very sad end
when she stood me up at the Ferron concert.
In her defense though, it was a Ferron concert.
To me, that just proves she was not the one.
Yeah, anybody who's got
a wrist tattoo that says "Be Honest"
is trying to tell you something about themselves.
Yeah.
I'll keep that in mind for next time.
Hey.
Here.
Thanks.
Oh.
Listen, I wanted to apologize for how I handled things.
I know it was ridiculously abrupt.
And not nice.
I just knew it wasn't right with us.
Oh, yes, I know.
You said. Eventually.
I also wanted to thank you for helping me get better.
I know I was resistant.
The shakes and secret communications with Bill.
I mean, I probably owe my life to you.
You definitely do.
You're welcome.
That's what people who really care about other people do.
Maybe one day you'll know that feeling.
Yeah.
Oh, I got a calendar alert.
You have an appointment with your oncologist tomorrow.
Oh, my God. That's right.
Thank you.
Well, I wish you luck in your life without me.
Everything okay, babe?
Yeah. Uh, Tig just stopped by
to get her things, finally.
Uh, and to apologize.
Oh. You're the one that wouldn't let the birds
take your pain away.
I'm sorry?
Uh, Rocky, Tig. Tig, Rocky.
Raquel and I met at summer camp and recently reconnected.
That's great.
Yeah.
It is.
Okay. Well, enjoy the birds.
So, this is my first show back in L.A.
And, um, I'm sitting here
with Anja, who subs for me sometimes.
Ugh, and, dude, we're so stoked to have you back, Tig,
with your deep archive of jams and anecdotes.
"Jams and anecdotes."
Sounds like a dusty little store
my great-great grandmother would have frequented.
Right?
Okay, so listen. I know you usually like
to go from your playlist with your story stylings.
-Mm-hmm. -So I'm just gonna throw on
this dope track. It's by this band called Dirt Dress.
And, uh, just see what it kicks up for you.
See... see, like, if it vibes some insp-o.
Uh, thank you, but I-I don't know
that I need my "insp-o" vibed.
Ah, dude, they rocked South By so hard,
there were, like, multiple deaths.
what does it mean to you?
What does it mean to you?
I didn't pick the song.
But what does it make you think?
What does it make you think about?
Like, isn't that your thing?
I guess it makes me feel like I'm alone on the planet.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
I can dig it.
Wow. So that was awesome.
Seriously, I'm not ever doing that again.
No more Anja. I don't even want her
subbing for me anymore.
Dude, Anja brought your numbers way up.
But I don't care about my numbers. They were fine.
Yeah, but better is better.
Oh, my God.
She's so fake.
And her voice is so annoying.
It sends chills of disgust down my spine.
You're the only one.
Yeah, well,
you know what? It's my show.
Right, but we want her on.
My show?
Yeah, we like you as a team.
No.
Yeah, not "no."
Wait, he dropped your show?
I was like, "It's me or her," and he says, "Okay, her."
So Anja has your spot?
I guess so.
That is so vile.
I don't want to live in this world anymore.
Me, neither. Let's find a new one.
You can just take that show anywhere else.
You got tons of loyal listeners. You're fine.
I am not fine.
I could die tomorrow,
and what have I even done with my life?
This about your check-up?
My mother had two kids.
Three, really.
Jesus.
And that was her major contribution.
She made me,
and then what impact have I had on the world?
Minimal.
That son of a bitch!
I know! He ruined my life.
No. No.
No, he did not ruin your life. He did not.
What he did...
was terrible and I hate him for it,
but you can do anything you want in your life.
No one has the power to take that away from you.
You are strong.
And you're gonna have a great life.
- Okay. - All right.
Oh, oh.
Shh.
I got you.
How does it look?
The doctor will be in shortly
to go over the results with you.
Hey, Tig.
...Hi.
All right.
Okay.
All righty, then. Let's take a look.
Well, Tig, your cancer's back.
Oh, God.
Are you sure?
I thought you got it all in surgery.
Well, in your breasts, yes.
But it's... it's reappeared elsewhere.
In-in multiple places, I'm afraid.
You have cancer of the larynx, of the esophagus.
You have cancer of the ear.
Cancer of the ear?
No.
Cancer of the Year.
Oh, my God.
Wh-Why are you celebrating this?
I don't want Cancer of the Year!
Is it really so bad that it's Cancer of the Year?
Tig, you look good.
I do?
Your scans are great.
Your lymph nodes feel perfectly normal.
And barring anything unexpected from your blood work,
we'll just see you back here in another three months.
-Keep up the good work. -Thank you.
Oh, sugar, That is the best news I've heard.
I knew you would be fine. I just knew it.
Hello, Tig.
Hi, Bill.
I didn't mean to call you.
Oh.
Well, everything all right?
Yeah. I-I'm just finishing up at the oncologist.
Um, and she said my scans look good.
Oh, my.
Well, that is heartening news.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Tig...
I want to apologize.
For placing the blame on you for Bonkerz getting out.
I know now... you had nothing to do with that.
Girlie may have released Bonkerz,
intentionally.
Why would she do that?
Apparently,
it has to do with dark energy.
Uh, Tig,
perhaps I have not acknowledged your feelings,
uh, at times, recently.
And, uh, as you said, what happened to you,
in the past.
Yeah.
A father should be supportive of his daughter.
And you are.
A daughter to me.
I-I...
I feel you are.
Thanks. That's... I...
That means a lot to me, Bill.
Well, I, uh... don't want to keep you.
I'm glad you called.
Even if unintentionally.
Um, good-bye, Tig.
Bye, Bill.
Tig?
Is that you?
You're really back.
It's going to be different this time.
I know.
I love you, Tig.
Tig? Tig?
I realize you have several items left to retrieve in the car,
but you must close the door after each trip.
We can't risk Spike getting out.
And remember, switch off the lights.
Ah...