1
00:00:00,702 --> 00:00:01,669
Honestly, maybe you could find
2
00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:03,248
like an agent at the Chateau Marmont.
3
00:00:03,338 --> 00:00:04,806
Oh, stop it.
4
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:05,873
I don't know how to schmooze.
5
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:08,009
Or... you could join Scientology.
6
00:00:08,108 --> 00:00:10,078
If you did that,
your career would take off.
7
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:11,698
You know it's basically a cult, right?
8
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:12,847
Yeah.
9
00:00:12,948 --> 00:00:14,383
But it's a cult that could
probably get me cast
10
00:00:14,483 --> 00:00:17,018
in the next "Jack Reacher" film
as like a sassy 911 operator.
11
00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:19,454
911, what your emergency?
12
00:00:19,555 --> 00:00:20,756
Ooooh!
13
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:22,156
There's a bomb where?
14
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,824
Oh hell to the no!
15
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,324
That was spectacular.
16
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:27,027
Thank you. I've been practicing.
17
00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:28,530
- It's very good.
- You're so negative.
18
00:00:28,630 --> 00:00:30,131
What if being in a cult
made Nicole happy?
19
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,500
- Yeah.
- All right, fine.
20
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:32,801
But if you're gonna have
to be the one that rescues her
21
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,235
from that creepy Sea Org ship.
22
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:35,269
Yeah, I'm ready to do that.
23
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,771
I'm buoyant. I'm a seaman.
24
00:00:36,872 --> 00:00:37,972
This has been lovely.
25
00:00:38,073 --> 00:00:40,174
Hate to interrupt, but Bo-talk butt,
26
00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:42,177
I gotta make it
to a dentist appointment.
27
00:00:42,277 --> 00:00:44,546
Um, it's midnight.
28
00:00:44,646 --> 00:00:46,166
You're going to Derrick's, aren't you?
29
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,415
No.
30
00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:49,516
I am still mad
that he didn't come to my party.
31
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,019
Okay. Let me see your phone.
32
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,454
No! Excuse you!
33
00:00:52,554 --> 00:00:55,357
I'm not gonna apologize for my orgasms.
34
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:58,259
I'm a modern woman
in charge of her sexuality.
35
00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,793
Hear my pussy roar, people!
36
00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:01,963
Hear my pussy roar.
37
00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:06,533
- [sighs]
- You did that.
38
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,269
Ugh, she left without paying.
39
00:01:08,370 --> 00:01:09,570
No, she'll come back and pay.
40
00:01:09,671 --> 00:01:10,738
Just wait.
41
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:11,972
She's a good person.
42
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,875
I left something important.
43
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:15,976
See? I told you.
44
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,747
My condoms are in here.
45
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,948
You know, I'm just happy
she's using condoms.
46
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,082
Yeah, me, too.
47
00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,485
She used to just jump up and down a lot.
48
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,753
You mean, she'd just jump
and let it goop out?
49
00:01:25,854 --> 00:01:27,088
Yeah, it'd go kplerk.
50
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,188
That doesn't work, right?
51
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,424
No.
52
00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:31,926
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
53
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:34,929
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
54
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:37,990
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
55
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:41,570
♪
56
00:01:41,670 --> 00:01:42,603
So I found this place that sells
57
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,938
small batch artisanal vermouth.
58
00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:47,009
Next time you're here,
I can whip us up some martinis.
59
00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,308
If you bring the gin.
60
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:49,945
- Cool.
- Cool.
61
00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:54,715
Well, I guess I'll be going.
62
00:01:54,816 --> 00:01:56,150
[laughs] Um...
63
00:01:56,251 --> 00:01:57,719
thank you for the sex.
64
00:01:57,819 --> 00:01:58,986
Yeah, sure.
65
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,921
You're welcome.
66
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:03,625
Hey, you wanna go out
and get something to eat?
67
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:04,626
What?
68
00:02:04,726 --> 00:02:05,926
I'm hungry,
69
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:07,427
and I don't have any food here
because of pantry moths.
70
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:09,597
So you wanna go out out?
71
00:02:09,698 --> 00:02:11,331
Yeah.
72
00:02:11,431 --> 00:02:13,033
- Yeah.
- Cool.
73
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,102
I'll throw on some pants.
74
00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:16,604
Roar.
75
00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:18,407
♪
76
00:02:18,507 --> 00:02:21,109
Even you have to admit
that it's a pretty big deal.
77
00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,576
What do you mean by "even you"?
78
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:24,780
Well, because, you know,
some people... not me...
79
00:02:24,879 --> 00:02:26,839
would refer to you as a cold,
stone-hearted cyborg
80
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,182
that thinks love is dead.
81
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:29,216
Devin says that, doesn't he?
82
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,218
Yeah.
83
00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:31,352
But I think things are changing.
84
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:34,088
I think Derrick might like me like me.
85
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:36,792
I'm just not sure that
breakfast means he likes you.
86
00:02:36,891 --> 00:02:37,758
Don't complicate things.
87
00:02:37,859 --> 00:02:39,861
Right now, you get horny, you bone.
88
00:02:39,961 --> 00:02:41,195
It's easy.
89
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:42,162
Yeah, I guess our whole sitch
like works pretty well
90
00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:43,498
for the both of us.
91
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:45,000
Uh, I gotta go.
I can't be late for work.
92
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:47,769
Wait. So they have you working
like every day?
93
00:02:47,869 --> 00:02:48,869
How is that legal?
94
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:49,971
Well, it's like five days in a row,
95
00:02:50,072 --> 00:02:51,192
but then I get two days off.
96
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:52,540
- Uh, I guess that seems fair.
- Mm-hmm.
97
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,074
Thanks for the ride.
I'll text you later.
98
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:55,843
Okay.
99
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,746
I could work in an office.
100
00:02:57,846 --> 00:02:59,280
Good morning, HR.
101
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:01,949
That Jefferson's file on your desk, HR.
102
00:03:02,050 --> 00:03:03,619
Oh, watch your back, Greg.
103
00:03:03,718 --> 00:03:06,555
You wronged the woman in charge
of all the things.
104
00:03:06,655 --> 00:03:09,425
Yeah, I could totally work in an office.
105
00:03:12,894 --> 00:03:14,262
[phone vibrates]
106
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,396
Hello?
107
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,531
Derrick took you out to breakfast,
108
00:03:16,632 --> 00:03:17,799
and you tell me over text message?
109
00:03:17,899 --> 00:03:19,032
No, no!
110
00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:20,235
This is huge.
111
00:03:20,335 --> 00:03:21,468
Get here now, Nicole!
112
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:22,670
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
113
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:26,073
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
114
00:03:26,174 --> 00:03:28,075
[tires squeal]
115
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:31,912
♪
116
00:03:32,013 --> 00:03:33,013
[gasps]
117
00:03:33,048 --> 00:03:34,248
He likes you!
118
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:35,917
He likes you!
119
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,019
Hold on, I wanna take a selfie
so I can remember
120
00:03:38,119 --> 00:03:40,121
what I was wearing when
I found out Derrick likes you.
121
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,522
Do you really thinks so?
122
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,157
'Cause I thought so too,
123
00:03:43,258 --> 00:03:44,558
but then I was talking to Veronica...
124
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,627
[groans] That cold, stone-hearted cyborg
125
00:03:46,728 --> 00:03:48,330
knows nothing about love.
126
00:03:48,430 --> 00:03:49,965
This is something
you should have brought to me.
127
00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:52,000
- Okay, let's get into the deets.
- Okay.
128
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,099
Where did he take you?
129
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,133
That diner on Franklin.
130
00:03:54,169 --> 00:03:55,209
- Oh, very fancy.
- Mm-hmm.
131
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,138
What did he wear?
132
00:03:56,238 --> 00:03:57,405
He was wearing flip flops
133
00:03:57,504 --> 00:03:58,740
and that knockoff Easy
sweatshirt he got on Etsy.
134
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:00,842
Okay, casual, straight guy elegant.
135
00:04:00,942 --> 00:04:01,843
Who paid?
136
00:04:01,943 --> 00:04:03,511
Get ready for it.
137
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:04,610
Baby, are you ready?
138
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:05,946
Oh, I'm strapped in so hard.
139
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:06,915
He did.
140
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,949
Stop, rinse, repeat.
141
00:04:09,050 --> 00:04:10,619
- He paid?
- Yahhhh!
142
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:11,718
Yes!
143
00:04:11,786 --> 00:04:13,855
♪
144
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:14,990
Twenty-six dollars.
145
00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,526
Place is cash only.
146
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,026
I only have a card.
147
00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:20,862
It's okay, I got it.
148
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:25,166
♪
149
00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:26,834
That is so romantic.
150
00:04:26,935 --> 00:04:28,035
I know, right?
151
00:04:28,136 --> 00:04:31,139
He could have made me
go to a gas station ATM.
152
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:32,707
- But he didn't.
- Hmm-mm.
153
00:04:32,807 --> 00:04:34,041
Oh.
154
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:34,942
[dramatic sigh]
155
00:04:35,043 --> 00:04:36,276
Oh, no.
156
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:37,177
What was that sigh?
157
00:04:37,278 --> 00:04:38,780
Honey, what's wrong?
158
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,380
[sighs]
159
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:41,882
I miss Flynn.
160
00:04:41,983 --> 00:04:43,584
Wait, was that the guy whose
peen was squishy everywhere
161
00:04:43,685 --> 00:04:45,687
- except the middle?
- No!
162
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,823
Uh, was it the guy
who slapped a baby at Sears?
163
00:04:48,923 --> 00:04:50,157
No.
164
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:51,192
Oh, okay. Was it the guy
that said he was a lifeguard
165
00:04:51,293 --> 00:04:52,227
but then like wasn't a lifeguard?
166
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,028
- What was his name?
- No, Trevor, no.
167
00:04:54,129 --> 00:04:55,896
This is Mr. Right,
the one that got away.
168
00:04:55,997 --> 00:04:58,100
Blond hair, blue eyes,
Botox sweat glands...
169
00:04:58,199 --> 00:04:59,199
Oh.
170
00:04:59,233 --> 00:05:01,536
...incredible sm... I'm so sorry.
171
00:05:01,636 --> 00:05:03,605
- What?
- This isn't about me.
172
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,744
This is about my baby girl
and her new relationship.
173
00:05:05,841 --> 00:05:06,540
Stop it!
174
00:05:06,641 --> 00:05:08,043
I'm not in a relationship.
175
00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:09,176
I mean, not yet.
176
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:10,478
- But I know that he likes you.
- [giggles]
177
00:05:10,579 --> 00:05:11,478
And I can prove it.
178
00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:12,881
- Give me your phone.
- No.
179
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,016
No, seriously, I'm gonna
text him something super boring.
180
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:17,519
And if he responds,
then we know he likes you.
181
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,253
It's the boyfriend test.
182
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:20,187
Okay.
183
00:05:20,288 --> 00:05:21,490
Mm-hmm.
184
00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:28,829
"I saw a bird."
185
00:05:28,930 --> 00:05:29,930
Then we wait.
186
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:30,831
Okay.
187
00:05:30,932 --> 00:05:32,400
- Mm.
- Mm.
188
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:33,834
Mm.
189
00:05:33,935 --> 00:05:36,305
Mm.
190
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,871
BOTH: [sighs]
191
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:41,209
You know, I don't think
I can convert to Judaism.
192
00:05:41,309 --> 00:05:44,145
But I do wanna start wearing
those tiny little hats.
193
00:05:44,245 --> 00:05:45,646
Honestly, you've got
the perfect little head
194
00:05:45,747 --> 00:05:47,115
for tiny little hats.
195
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,282
Thank you.
196
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:49,984
- [phone vibrates]
- [unintelligible]
197
00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:51,084
Oooh, it's Derrick.
198
00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,019
Oh, what'd he say?
199
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,555
"Cool."
200
00:05:54,656 --> 00:05:56,024
I don't wanna understate this,
201
00:05:56,124 --> 00:05:58,059
but that is everything.
202
00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,826
BOTH: Yes!
203
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,463
It's official.
204
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,098
Derrick likes me.
205
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,231
Congratulations, Boo-boo.
206
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,834
Mm.
207
00:06:06,898 --> 00:06:10,144
DEVIN: And before I make
a toast... just a sip for you...
208
00:06:10,364 --> 00:06:11,900
I'd like to make an announcement.
209
00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:13,947
I've decided to reconnect with Flynn.
210
00:06:13,972 --> 00:06:16,107
Uh, I am so happy for you.
211
00:06:16,206 --> 00:06:18,475
- This is amazing.
- Thank you.
212
00:06:18,576 --> 00:06:19,777
Veronica?
213
00:06:19,878 --> 00:06:21,179
Yeah, I'm happy for you, too.
214
00:06:21,278 --> 00:06:22,546
Okay, great. A toast.
215
00:06:22,647 --> 00:06:23,949
To Derrick,
216
00:06:24,049 --> 00:06:26,585
may his boyfriend game
be as strong as his dick game.
217
00:06:26,684 --> 00:06:28,220
He really likes me.
218
00:06:28,319 --> 00:06:29,453
Still with this?
219
00:06:29,554 --> 00:06:30,722
He paid, Veronica.
220
00:06:30,821 --> 00:06:31,956
He paid for breakfast.
221
00:06:32,056 --> 00:06:33,624
He basically got down
on one knee and proposed.
222
00:06:33,725 --> 00:06:34,992
You didn't tell me he paid.
223
00:06:35,092 --> 00:06:37,628
Uh, well, you were being
very negative, so I didn't...
224
00:06:37,729 --> 00:06:38,729
I wasn't being negative.
225
00:06:38,797 --> 00:06:40,030
I was being practical.
226
00:06:40,131 --> 00:06:41,633
Uh, same diff.
227
00:06:41,732 --> 00:06:42,732
Maybe he does like you.
228
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:44,636
See? Yes, I knew it!
229
00:06:44,736 --> 00:06:46,771
In your face. In your dumb face.
230
00:06:46,871 --> 00:06:48,239
But do you even like him?
231
00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:49,575
Mm, wait, what?
232
00:06:49,674 --> 00:06:50,874
I mean, you've spent so much time
233
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,109
wondering if he likes you.
234
00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:53,711
Have you stopped
to ask yourself what you want?
235
00:06:53,811 --> 00:06:55,946
No, I've been too busy
planning our life together.
236
00:06:56,047 --> 00:06:57,849
But do you even want a relationship?
237
00:06:57,948 --> 00:06:59,583
Veronica, I don't know.
238
00:06:59,684 --> 00:07:01,219
Maybe it's a good time
to figure that out.
239
00:07:01,318 --> 00:07:03,121
Play the field, see what's out there.
240
00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:05,423
I mean, I've been with a lot of guys.
241
00:07:05,523 --> 00:07:06,757
I be slamming all the time.
242
00:07:06,857 --> 00:07:08,759
Yeah, no, there's
a ton of slamming and grinding
243
00:07:08,859 --> 00:07:10,895
and choking and uhh, you know?
244
00:07:10,996 --> 00:07:13,585
But there's not
a lot of wining and dining.
245
00:07:13,610 --> 00:07:14,460
Uh.
246
00:07:14,485 --> 00:07:16,633
Before you commit to Derrick,
as a favor to me,
247
00:07:16,734 --> 00:07:19,438
go on one date with someone else.
248
00:07:19,537 --> 00:07:21,273
You know, I'm actually
really okay with this plan.
249
00:07:21,373 --> 00:07:23,675
Nothing will stand
in the way of true love.
250
00:07:23,775 --> 00:07:24,941
Okay.
251
00:07:25,042 --> 00:07:29,480
Well, as a favor to you, I'm out.
252
00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:30,847
Where are you going?
253
00:07:30,948 --> 00:07:32,616
I got a Tinder date
with the pizza place next door.
254
00:07:32,717 --> 00:07:34,480
- That's not what I meant.
- That's what I heard.
255
00:07:34,566 --> 00:07:36,000
Bye... boop.
256
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,540
Could you get me a chicken parm slice
257
00:07:37,569 --> 00:07:39,338
- on the way home?
- Oh, absolutely.
258
00:07:39,438 --> 00:07:41,340
Oooh, have you ever had
chicken parm on a pizza?
259
00:07:41,365 --> 00:07:43,403
- No.
- Oh my God, you get twice the crunch.
260
00:07:43,429 --> 00:07:45,642
Crunch from the crust,
crunch from the chicken, aaah.
261
00:07:45,742 --> 00:07:47,678
This is the most I've ever liked you.
262
00:07:47,778 --> 00:07:49,213
Come on, no way.
263
00:07:49,314 --> 00:07:50,215
Yes way.
264
00:07:50,314 --> 00:07:52,016
I swear my birthday is May 8th, too.
265
00:07:52,117 --> 00:07:54,419
How weird that we both have
the same birthday.
266
00:07:54,518 --> 00:07:56,554
Super weird. [laughing]
267
00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:58,122
Um, I'm gonna get another drink.
268
00:07:58,222 --> 00:07:59,424
Do you want one?
269
00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:00,791
Uh, listen.
270
00:08:00,891 --> 00:08:03,094
I like you,
you're really pretty and fun.
271
00:08:03,194 --> 00:08:03,961
Thank you.
272
00:08:04,061 --> 00:08:04,963
But don't get another drink
273
00:08:05,063 --> 00:08:06,423
unless you're gonna sleep with me.
274
00:08:06,465 --> 00:08:07,965
I've just spent too much
time and money on girls
275
00:08:08,066 --> 00:08:10,268
who bail at the eleventh hour.
276
00:08:10,369 --> 00:08:12,169
Okay. You know what?
277
00:08:12,270 --> 00:08:13,272
No thank you.
278
00:08:15,773 --> 00:08:18,275
I am gonna take this pizza,
'cause I don't need you.
279
00:08:18,376 --> 00:08:21,078
I already have a boyfriend.
280
00:08:21,179 --> 00:08:22,512
Bye.
281
00:08:22,612 --> 00:08:24,715
♪
282
00:08:24,815 --> 00:08:26,117
[knocking at door]
283
00:08:28,285 --> 00:08:31,689
If I text you to come over, would you?
284
00:08:31,790 --> 00:08:33,491
Uh, maybe.
285
00:08:33,591 --> 00:08:34,871
What am I doing in this scenario?
286
00:08:34,925 --> 00:08:36,560
I don't know. Watching a movie.
287
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:37,700
At the theater or at home?
288
00:08:37,762 --> 00:08:38,762
At home.
289
00:08:38,796 --> 00:08:40,665
Yeah, I'd... I'd come over.
290
00:08:40,766 --> 00:08:42,501
Aaaaw.
291
00:08:42,601 --> 00:08:45,203
Oh my God, oh, what is this?
292
00:08:45,303 --> 00:08:46,905
Oh, sorry, I had a ton of those made
293
00:08:47,005 --> 00:08:48,840
for my storytelling show.
294
00:08:48,939 --> 00:08:50,507
You have a show?
295
00:08:50,607 --> 00:08:52,343
Yeah, it's just like a monthly thing.
296
00:08:52,443 --> 00:08:55,679
Artists, poets telling stories
about their lives.
297
00:08:55,780 --> 00:08:57,115
Oh, wow, it sounds cool.
298
00:08:57,214 --> 00:08:59,950
Oop, I can feel my balls again.
299
00:09:00,050 --> 00:09:02,353
[laughing] I yanked on them so hard.
300
00:09:02,453 --> 00:09:04,255
- Good sign.
- [sighs]
301
00:09:04,354 --> 00:09:05,089
Yeah, it's a good show.
302
00:09:05,189 --> 00:09:06,357
You should come by tomorrow.
303
00:09:06,457 --> 00:09:08,126
Uh, maybe I will.
304
00:09:08,226 --> 00:09:09,559
Cool.
305
00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:12,060
Hey, so, hate to kick you out,
but I borrowed my buddy's car.
306
00:09:12,097 --> 00:09:13,932
I'm doing the whole ride sharing thing.
307
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:15,599
You didn't tell me you got a job.
308
00:09:15,699 --> 00:09:16,834
Yep. [sighs]
309
00:09:16,934 --> 00:09:17,803
I can give you a ride home,
310
00:09:17,902 --> 00:09:18,869
you just gotta go through the app.
311
00:09:18,969 --> 00:09:20,605
Can't you just like take me home?
312
00:09:20,705 --> 00:09:21,705
It's like 20 bucks.
313
00:09:21,740 --> 00:09:23,374
That's not $20.
314
00:09:23,473 --> 00:09:24,474
I'm pretty sure that's $20.
315
00:09:24,574 --> 00:09:25,810
No, it's like $4.
316
00:09:25,910 --> 00:09:26,811
Twenty bucks.
317
00:09:26,911 --> 00:09:28,379
Can't you just like, you know,
318
00:09:28,479 --> 00:09:30,681
give me a little free ride?
319
00:09:30,781 --> 00:09:32,449
Twenty bucks.
320
00:09:32,549 --> 00:09:33,584
♪ You got the fever ♪
321
00:09:33,684 --> 00:09:35,352
♪
322
00:09:35,453 --> 00:09:36,621
Okay, la fatchia.
323
00:09:36,721 --> 00:09:37,721
La fatchia.
324
00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:39,524
Okay.
325
00:09:39,623 --> 00:09:41,325
Spray tan, make this white canvas
326
00:09:41,425 --> 00:09:44,661
a hearty gold spray tan
for the one that got away.
327
00:09:44,761 --> 00:09:46,631
Manifest potential.
328
00:09:46,731 --> 00:09:48,967
Create desire.
329
00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:50,935
Don't wanna forget that undercarriage.
330
00:09:51,035 --> 00:09:53,103
Gotta paint that taint.
331
00:09:53,203 --> 00:09:54,939
♪
332
00:09:56,942 --> 00:09:58,677
Ma'am, we have a saying
here at the office.
333
00:09:58,776 --> 00:10:00,612
Uh, why rent a wheelchair
334
00:10:00,712 --> 00:10:02,646
when you can rent to own a wheelchair,
335
00:10:02,746 --> 00:10:04,815
when paralysis
is using pretty permanent.
336
00:10:04,915 --> 00:10:06,917
I have news.
337
00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:09,586
Yeah, so are you thinking
manual or electric?
338
00:10:09,687 --> 00:10:10,956
- Ploop.
- [dial tone]
339
00:10:11,055 --> 00:10:11,956
That was a sales call.
340
00:10:12,057 --> 00:10:13,825
Oh, my hand slipped.
341
00:10:13,924 --> 00:10:15,724
Listen, big things
are happening with Derrick.
342
00:10:15,794 --> 00:10:17,095
Big, big, big things.
343
00:10:17,194 --> 00:10:18,396
I thought you were gonna
take some time to figure out
344
00:10:18,496 --> 00:10:19,496
if you liked him back.
345
00:10:19,564 --> 00:10:20,631
I did. I was on that Tinder date
346
00:10:20,731 --> 00:10:22,700
for like a full half hour to 45 minutes.
347
00:10:22,799 --> 00:10:24,835
Look, what this is.
348
00:10:24,937 --> 00:10:27,338
It's a flyer
to Derrick's storytelling show.
349
00:10:27,438 --> 00:10:30,141
Ugh! That's awful.
350
00:10:30,241 --> 00:10:32,010
No, it's not. He invited me to it.
351
00:10:32,110 --> 00:10:33,744
It's like a second date.
352
00:10:33,844 --> 00:10:34,713
Well, maybe he does like you.
353
00:10:34,813 --> 00:10:36,447
Duh! Yes!
354
00:10:36,546 --> 00:10:37,881
First breakfast, now his career.
355
00:10:37,982 --> 00:10:39,450
Our lives are weaving together.
356
00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:40,785
Mwah.
357
00:10:40,886 --> 00:10:42,185
Derrick is in love with me.
358
00:10:42,286 --> 00:10:44,387
Totally, utterly in love with me.
359
00:10:44,488 --> 00:10:46,791
And I think I'm ready
to be in a relationship.
360
00:10:46,891 --> 00:10:49,059
Okay, so just to clarify,
361
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,395
you are suddenly ready to be in
a relationship
362
00:10:51,496 --> 00:10:54,332
because you think
that he is in love with you?
363
00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:55,467
Exactly.
364
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:56,735
How very empowered of you.
365
00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:58,935
Thank you.
366
00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:00,304
I hate to be the Miranda in your life,
367
00:11:00,405 --> 00:11:02,440
but are you really ready
for a relationship?
368
00:11:02,540 --> 00:11:03,674
Yes!
369
00:11:03,775 --> 00:11:07,411
I'm a grown-ass woman in love!
[laughing]
370
00:11:07,511 --> 00:11:09,213
I'm in love.
371
00:11:09,313 --> 00:11:10,915
And I'm going through perimenopause.
372
00:11:11,015 --> 00:11:12,650
So we both have things.
373
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,386
♪
374
00:11:16,454 --> 00:11:18,656
♪
375
00:11:18,756 --> 00:11:21,226
Honestly, it is a crime against nature
376
00:11:21,326 --> 00:11:24,428
that my natural skin tone
isn't Nantucket Bronze.
377
00:11:24,529 --> 00:11:26,664
Mm, look at this makeup.
378
00:11:26,765 --> 00:11:29,869
Is this not the makeup
of a woman in a relationship?
379
00:11:29,968 --> 00:11:31,269
DEVIN: You look gorgeous.
380
00:11:31,370 --> 00:11:34,240
Look at us. Two friends finding love.
381
00:11:34,340 --> 00:11:35,340
You found Flynn?
382
00:11:35,439 --> 00:11:37,242
No, he's not on any social media.
383
00:11:37,342 --> 00:11:38,376
Yo, that's pretty dope.
384
00:11:38,476 --> 00:11:39,778
Yeah, he is pretty dope.
385
00:11:39,877 --> 00:11:41,812
Anyways, I hired an online private eye.
386
00:11:41,913 --> 00:11:43,282
I should have his info any minute now.
387
00:11:43,381 --> 00:11:46,517
Devin, can we just
sit for a moment and take in
388
00:11:46,617 --> 00:11:49,120
how mature we are
in our love relationships?
389
00:11:49,221 --> 00:11:51,789
We're so mature that our life
fits the commercial block
390
00:11:51,890 --> 00:11:54,193
from like 2:30 a.m. 'til 6 a.m.
391
00:11:54,293 --> 00:11:56,328
Like, "Mesothelioma."
392
00:11:56,428 --> 00:11:57,529
"Oh my God, I can't sleep.
393
00:11:57,630 --> 00:11:59,164
What is mesothelioma?"
394
00:11:59,265 --> 00:12:00,131
We're like two old ladies
395
00:12:00,231 --> 00:12:02,067
waiting for soup at a diner mature.
396
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:03,535
Like those people
who don't have any teeth
397
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:04,635
and have to wear dentures and like,
398
00:12:04,736 --> 00:12:05,604
[mumbling] "You know what?
399
00:12:05,703 --> 00:12:07,072
"I'm gonna eat some pasta,
400
00:12:07,172 --> 00:12:10,409
because pasta
is every good for my gums."
401
00:12:10,509 --> 00:12:12,712
♪
402
00:12:18,717 --> 00:12:19,619
Thank you.
403
00:12:19,718 --> 00:12:21,253
Yes, thank you.
404
00:12:26,958 --> 00:12:28,126
[gasps]
405
00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:29,260
DERRICK: You made it.
406
00:12:29,361 --> 00:12:30,327
Hey, thank you so much for inviting me.
407
00:12:30,428 --> 00:12:32,264
I'm excited to see you perform.
408
00:12:32,364 --> 00:12:33,532
Yup.
409
00:12:33,633 --> 00:12:35,968
I'd better get backstage
for my preshow ritual.
410
00:12:36,068 --> 00:12:37,769
- I pound a beer.
- [laughs]
411
00:12:37,870 --> 00:12:39,304
You look hot.
412
00:12:39,404 --> 00:12:40,505
Oooh, thank you.
413
00:12:40,606 --> 00:12:43,375
I'm melting.
414
00:12:43,475 --> 00:12:45,945
'Cause I'm so... hot.
415
00:12:46,044 --> 00:12:47,378
Okay.
416
00:12:47,478 --> 00:12:50,915
♪
417
00:12:51,015 --> 00:12:52,150
Is anyone sitting there?
418
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:53,586
Oh, no.
419
00:12:53,686 --> 00:12:54,753
Normally my boyfriend, Derrick...
420
00:12:54,852 --> 00:12:57,722
ooh, that word sounds good in my mouth.
421
00:12:57,822 --> 00:12:59,290
My boyfriend would sit next to me,
422
00:12:59,391 --> 00:13:00,671
but he's one of the storytellers.
423
00:13:00,726 --> 00:13:02,660
Boyfriend.
424
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:03,661
Oh, I'm sorry.
425
00:13:03,761 --> 00:13:04,563
Oh no, it's okay.
426
00:13:04,663 --> 00:13:05,529
I have a boyfriend.
427
00:13:05,630 --> 00:13:07,131
[laughing]
428
00:13:07,231 --> 00:13:10,468
[sighs]
429
00:13:10,568 --> 00:13:11,670
Hey, everybody.
430
00:13:11,770 --> 00:13:13,971
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
431
00:13:14,072 --> 00:13:16,741
Tonight's theme is childhood.
432
00:13:16,842 --> 00:13:20,011
[cup hits floor]
433
00:13:20,111 --> 00:13:24,149
I will begin with
the first story of the evening.
434
00:13:24,250 --> 00:13:28,453
[applause]
435
00:13:28,553 --> 00:13:31,122
I'm grateful...
436
00:13:31,222 --> 00:13:35,693
my parents decided to split up
during the summer.
437
00:13:35,794 --> 00:13:39,530
Because I didn't have to hear
their fighting...
438
00:13:39,631 --> 00:13:43,434
over the sounds of the cicadas.
439
00:13:43,534 --> 00:13:46,737
With Dad gone, I...
440
00:13:46,838 --> 00:13:48,907
was now the man of the house...
441
00:13:49,008 --> 00:13:52,177
at the ripe, old age of 14.
442
00:13:52,276 --> 00:13:54,479
"You coming to my baseball game, Dad?"
443
00:13:54,579 --> 00:13:56,114
"Sure am, Son."
444
00:13:56,215 --> 00:13:57,282
Did he?
445
00:13:57,481 --> 00:13:59,584
He was the coach.
He was forced to be there.
446
00:13:59,685 --> 00:14:00,986
Shouldn't you wait
for your boyfriend to finish?
447
00:14:01,086 --> 00:14:02,153
Stop saying boyfriend.
448
00:14:02,254 --> 00:14:04,055
Well, that's America for ya!
449
00:14:04,154 --> 00:14:06,658
Land of the free, home of the divorced.
450
00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:08,594
Eeh, too much.
451
00:14:08,693 --> 00:14:09,994
"Where you going, Dad?
452
00:14:10,095 --> 00:14:11,263
"How do I contact you?
453
00:14:11,363 --> 00:14:12,363
Where you living?"
454
00:14:12,431 --> 00:14:14,398
"I'm living Sharon, Son."
455
00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:15,367
"Who's Sharon?
456
00:14:15,466 --> 00:14:16,466
Do I call her Mom now?"
457
00:14:16,501 --> 00:14:17,802
No, you're not Mom, Sharon!
458
00:14:17,903 --> 00:14:19,437
You're not my mom!
459
00:14:22,150 --> 00:14:24,917
Oh, no, no, no, no.
460
00:14:24,942 --> 00:14:26,010
[sighs]
461
00:14:26,110 --> 00:14:28,581
The lighting is all bad.
462
00:14:28,681 --> 00:14:30,316
I look like Sam Kinison.
463
00:14:34,753 --> 00:14:35,753
Hi.
464
00:14:35,821 --> 00:14:37,221
I'm meeting a former lover,
465
00:14:37,321 --> 00:14:39,524
and the lighting's
actually perfect right here.
466
00:14:41,693 --> 00:14:42,727
Get out!
467
00:14:42,827 --> 00:14:44,862
Scurry along!
468
00:14:44,962 --> 00:14:46,398
Have a great night though.
469
00:14:48,866 --> 00:14:51,302
Devin?
470
00:14:51,403 --> 00:14:52,803
Flynn.
471
00:14:52,903 --> 00:14:55,273
Oh, my precious little Flynn.
472
00:14:55,374 --> 00:14:57,341
I should have kissed you
when I had the chance
473
00:14:57,442 --> 00:14:59,144
in the Palm Desert.
474
00:14:59,244 --> 00:15:03,449
But I was too scared,
and very high on ketamine.
475
00:15:03,548 --> 00:15:05,083
But that's all in the past.
476
00:15:05,183 --> 00:15:07,986
Well, luckily, we have the present.
477
00:15:08,086 --> 00:15:10,889
And the future.
478
00:15:10,989 --> 00:15:12,191
I'm glad you reached out.
479
00:15:12,291 --> 00:15:13,792
No, don't!
480
00:15:13,892 --> 00:15:15,628
I'm sorry, I can't.
481
00:15:15,727 --> 00:15:17,629
What's wrong?
482
00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:19,096
I just can't.
483
00:15:19,196 --> 00:15:21,533
♪
484
00:15:28,639 --> 00:15:30,308
♪ If I could see ♪
485
00:15:30,408 --> 00:15:32,944
V, we gotta talk about Derrick's show.
486
00:15:33,044 --> 00:15:34,678
What happened? Was he bad?
487
00:15:34,778 --> 00:15:36,547
NICOLE: No, he was good.
488
00:15:36,648 --> 00:15:38,683
It was just so unsettling
listening to him talk
489
00:15:38,783 --> 00:15:40,552
about his parent's divorce.
490
00:15:40,652 --> 00:15:41,954
I know what happened.
491
00:15:42,053 --> 00:15:44,373
He went from being a sex buddy
to a real, live human being.
492
00:15:44,422 --> 00:15:45,490
I know.
493
00:15:45,591 --> 00:15:48,158
If I was his girlfriend,
he'd expect me to listen
494
00:15:48,259 --> 00:15:50,928
to like all his stuff and his problems.
495
00:15:51,028 --> 00:15:52,230
That's what a relationship is.
496
00:15:52,331 --> 00:15:54,233
It's people talking about real shit.
497
00:15:54,332 --> 00:15:57,201
You know, I never thought
of him as like a person.
498
00:15:57,302 --> 00:15:59,337
I just thought of him as like...
499
00:15:59,437 --> 00:16:04,009
flesh formed around a really good dick.
500
00:16:04,109 --> 00:16:06,879
Aren't relationships
supposed to be easy?
501
00:16:06,979 --> 00:16:09,948
That's what literally no one says.
502
00:16:10,047 --> 00:16:11,649
I just want love.
503
00:16:11,749 --> 00:16:13,485
[bang]
504
00:16:13,585 --> 00:16:17,389
Just like real love with real passion.
505
00:16:17,489 --> 00:16:18,156
You'll find it.
506
00:16:18,255 --> 00:16:19,424
There's plenty of time.
507
00:16:19,524 --> 00:16:20,624
You're only 25.
508
00:16:20,725 --> 00:16:23,394
Maybe I'm too young
to be in a relationship.
509
00:16:23,494 --> 00:16:27,065
You know, I can't be
Derrick's girlfriend.
510
00:16:27,164 --> 00:16:29,367
I need to be free.
511
00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:31,502
I think that's a good choice, Nicole.
512
00:16:31,602 --> 00:16:33,839
- I mean...
- NICOLE: Ah, not now, Veronica!
513
00:16:33,938 --> 00:16:35,307
I'm a bird.
514
00:16:35,407 --> 00:16:37,442
I'm a big, black beautiful bird.
515
00:16:40,512 --> 00:16:42,581
[iron sizzling]
516
00:16:42,681 --> 00:16:43,982
Oh shit, I'm burning this.
517
00:16:44,081 --> 00:16:45,583
See, I'm a bird.
518
00:16:45,683 --> 00:16:46,683
I need to be free.
519
00:16:46,751 --> 00:16:47,752
I can't be caged.
520
00:16:47,852 --> 00:16:48,653
What are you talking about?
521
00:16:48,754 --> 00:16:49,855
I need my wings!
522
00:16:49,955 --> 00:16:50,995
Please don't mess with me.
523
00:16:51,056 --> 00:16:52,990
I took a lot of edibles after my show.
524
00:16:53,090 --> 00:16:55,459
It's just... I like
sleeping with you, Derrick.
525
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:59,263
The sex with you is... ooh-wee,
it is so good.
526
00:16:59,364 --> 00:17:00,865
But I'm not ready to be
in a relationship.
527
00:17:00,965 --> 00:17:02,599
I'm too young.
528
00:17:02,701 --> 00:17:05,671
I have too many things
that I wanna accomplish.
529
00:17:05,770 --> 00:17:08,673
Okay, listen...
530
00:17:08,774 --> 00:17:11,644
I don't wanna hurt you.
531
00:17:11,743 --> 00:17:14,045
I care about you.
532
00:17:14,145 --> 00:17:15,747
It's not you, it's me.
533
00:17:15,846 --> 00:17:19,850
Okay, just slow down,
let me figure this out, okay?
534
00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:21,086
[exhales]
535
00:17:21,185 --> 00:17:22,720
Are we still gonna have sex?
536
00:17:22,820 --> 00:17:24,388
Yeah.
537
00:17:24,489 --> 00:17:26,158
Okay, good.
538
00:17:26,258 --> 00:17:29,627
What exactly is changing?
539
00:17:29,728 --> 00:17:31,395
I guess nothing.
540
00:17:31,496 --> 00:17:32,598
Okay.
541
00:17:32,698 --> 00:17:33,532
Cool.
542
00:17:33,632 --> 00:17:34,632
Yeah.
543
00:17:34,665 --> 00:17:37,469
So to be clear, nothing is changing.
544
00:17:37,568 --> 00:17:38,770
Got it.
545
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,408
I kinda wanna doink you right now.
546
00:17:44,509 --> 00:17:46,044
I kinda want you to doink me.
547
00:17:46,144 --> 00:17:47,679
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
548
00:17:47,778 --> 00:17:49,314
- Yeah.
- [laughing]
549
00:17:49,405 --> 00:17:51,274
- [moaning]
- Oh, before I forget.
550
00:17:51,383 --> 00:17:54,119
- Mm-hmm.
- You owe me $14 for breakfast.
551
00:17:54,219 --> 00:17:55,487
- Okay.
- Okay.
552
00:17:57,059 --> 00:17:59,857
Oh, and my landlord
got rid of the pantry moths,
553
00:17:59,958 --> 00:18:01,625
so we don't have to leave
if we wanna eat.
554
00:18:01,726 --> 00:18:03,061
Okay.
555
00:18:03,161 --> 00:18:05,831
[moaning]
556
00:18:05,931 --> 00:18:07,699
I have something you can eat.
557
00:18:07,798 --> 00:18:09,233
What is it?
558
00:18:09,334 --> 00:18:11,668
It's an euphemism.
I'm trying to be sexy.
559
00:18:11,769 --> 00:18:13,605
♪
560
00:18:13,704 --> 00:18:15,424
NICOLE: Just take off
your clothes, come on.
561
00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:18,811
♪
562
00:18:18,912 --> 00:18:21,146
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
563
00:18:21,247 --> 00:18:22,615
What are we toasting?
564
00:18:22,714 --> 00:18:25,617
Oh, that Veronica is happy
that I have decided
565
00:18:25,718 --> 00:18:27,887
to keep being sex buddies with Derrick.
566
00:18:27,987 --> 00:18:30,623
And she is not going to have
a relationship with him.
567
00:18:30,722 --> 00:18:32,325
- Correct.
- Ooh, that's a good call.
568
00:18:32,424 --> 00:18:33,725
I don't like him for you.
569
00:18:33,826 --> 00:18:34,728
Weren't you the one telling Nicole
570
00:18:34,827 --> 00:18:36,095
that this was true love?
571
00:18:36,194 --> 00:18:37,062
I'm over it.
572
00:18:37,163 --> 00:18:38,264
I'm totally down on love right now.
573
00:18:38,364 --> 00:18:39,265
Oh no.
574
00:18:39,365 --> 00:18:40,199
What happened with Flynn?
575
00:18:40,298 --> 00:18:41,500
He just let himself go.
576
00:18:41,601 --> 00:18:42,768
It was like he took his face off
577
00:18:42,867 --> 00:18:44,787
and put on a leather sculpture
of John C. Reilly.
578
00:18:44,836 --> 00:18:46,638
I hate to Miranda again,
579
00:18:46,739 --> 00:18:48,307
but did he really let himself go?
580
00:18:48,406 --> 00:18:49,566
Or did you just do that thing
581
00:18:49,642 --> 00:18:50,876
where you build something up
so much in your head
582
00:18:50,977 --> 00:18:52,912
that it can't live up to expectations?
583
00:18:53,011 --> 00:18:56,316
I don't wanna talk about it.
584
00:18:56,415 --> 00:18:57,482
Mm.
585
00:18:57,583 --> 00:18:59,785
So the cyborg was right about love.
586
00:18:59,885 --> 00:19:02,055
I begrudgingly accept defeat.
587
00:19:02,154 --> 00:19:03,189
Mm.
588
00:19:03,288 --> 00:19:05,057
Oh yeah, my friends.
589
00:19:05,157 --> 00:19:06,825
But seriously, Nicole,
I'm happy for you.
590
00:19:06,925 --> 00:19:09,028
In your own very Nicole way,
591
00:19:09,128 --> 00:19:10,295
you were really mature about this.
592
00:19:10,395 --> 00:19:11,896
Ah, thanks.
593
00:19:11,997 --> 00:19:14,200
I'll have a relationship when I'm ready.
594
00:19:14,299 --> 00:19:15,401
Yeah, when?
595
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:18,002
When I have sampled
all 31 flavors of dick.
596
00:19:18,104 --> 00:19:19,337
Oooh, yes.
597
00:19:19,438 --> 00:19:22,908
Oh, there goes rum raisin.
Yes, Daddy, mm.
598
00:19:23,009 --> 00:19:24,544
How is he a rum raisin?
599
00:19:24,644 --> 00:19:25,644
'Cause he's Puerto Rican,
600
00:19:25,678 --> 00:19:28,047
and he's got all moles on his face.
601
00:19:28,146 --> 00:19:31,390
I'm gonna play connect the dots
with my tongue. Bye.
602
00:19:31,415 --> 00:19:32,415
♪
603
00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:37,439
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