1
00:00:00,552 --> 00:00:01,519
Honestly, maybe you could find
2
00:00:01,618 --> 00:00:03,098
like an agent at the Chateau Marmont.
3
00:00:03,188 --> 00:00:04,656
Oh, stop it.
4
00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:05,723
I don't know how to schmooze.
5
00:00:05,823 --> 00:00:07,859
Or... you could join Scientology.
6
00:00:07,958 --> 00:00:09,928
If you did that,
your career would take off.
7
00:00:10,028 --> 00:00:11,548
You know it's basically a cult, right?
8
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:12,697
Yeah.
9
00:00:12,798 --> 00:00:14,233
But it's a cult that could
probably get me cast
10
00:00:14,333 --> 00:00:16,868
in the next "Jack Reacher" film
as like a sassy 911 operator.
11
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:19,304
911, what your emergency?
12
00:00:19,405 --> 00:00:20,606
Ooooh!
13
00:00:20,705 --> 00:00:22,006
There's a bomb where?
14
00:00:22,106 --> 00:00:23,674
Oh hell to the no!
15
00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:25,174
That was spectacular.
16
00:00:25,176 --> 00:00:26,877
Thank you. I've been practicing.
17
00:00:26,978 --> 00:00:28,380
- It's very good.
- You're so negative.
18
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:29,981
What if being in a cult
made Nicole happy?
19
00:00:30,081 --> 00:00:31,350
- Yeah.
- All right, fine.
20
00:00:31,450 --> 00:00:32,651
But if you're gonna have
to be the one that rescues her
21
00:00:32,750 --> 00:00:34,085
from that creepy Sea Org ship.
22
00:00:34,185 --> 00:00:35,119
Yeah, I'm ready to do that.
23
00:00:35,219 --> 00:00:36,621
I'm buoyant. I'm a seaman.
24
00:00:36,722 --> 00:00:37,822
This has been lovely.
25
00:00:37,923 --> 00:00:40,024
Hate to interrupt, but Bo-talk butt,
26
00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:42,027
I gotta make it
to a dentist appointment.
27
00:00:42,127 --> 00:00:44,396
Um, it's midnight.
28
00:00:44,496 --> 00:00:46,016
You're going to Derrick's, aren't you?
29
00:00:46,063 --> 00:00:47,265
No.
30
00:00:47,365 --> 00:00:49,366
I am still mad
that he didn't come to my party.
31
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,869
Okay. Let me see your phone.
32
00:00:50,969 --> 00:00:52,304
No! Excuse you!
33
00:00:52,404 --> 00:00:55,207
I'm not gonna apologize for my orgasms.
34
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:58,109
I'm a modern woman
in charge of her sexuality.
35
00:00:58,210 --> 00:00:59,643
Hear my pussy roar, people!
36
00:00:59,744 --> 00:01:01,813
Hear my pussy roar.
37
00:01:03,848 --> 00:01:06,383
- [sighs]
- You did that.
38
00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:08,119
Ugh, she left without paying.
39
00:01:08,220 --> 00:01:09,420
No, she'll come back and pay.
40
00:01:09,521 --> 00:01:10,588
Just wait.
41
00:01:10,688 --> 00:01:11,822
She's a good person.
42
00:01:11,922 --> 00:01:13,725
I left something important.
43
00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:15,826
See? I told you.
44
00:01:15,926 --> 00:01:18,597
My condoms are in here.
45
00:01:18,696 --> 00:01:20,798
You know, I'm just happy
she's using condoms.
46
00:01:20,898 --> 00:01:21,932
Yeah, me, too.
47
00:01:22,032 --> 00:01:23,335
She used to just jump up and down a lot.
48
00:01:23,434 --> 00:01:25,603
You mean, she'd just jump
and let it goop out?
49
00:01:25,704 --> 00:01:26,938
Yeah, it'd go kplerk.
50
00:01:27,038 --> 00:01:28,038
That doesn't work, right?
51
00:01:28,106 --> 00:01:29,274
No.
52
00:01:29,374 --> 00:01:31,776
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
53
00:01:31,875 --> 00:01:34,779
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
54
00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:37,840
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
55
00:01:37,982 --> 00:01:41,420
♪
56
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:42,453
So I found this place that sells
57
00:01:42,553 --> 00:01:44,788
small batch artisanal vermouth.
58
00:01:44,889 --> 00:01:46,859
Next time you're here,
I can whip us up some martinis.
59
00:01:46,958 --> 00:01:48,158
If you bring the gin.
60
00:01:48,259 --> 00:01:49,795
- Cool.
- Cool.
61
00:01:51,963 --> 00:01:54,565
Well, I guess I'll be going.
62
00:01:54,666 --> 00:01:56,000
[laughs] Um...
63
00:01:56,101 --> 00:01:57,569
thank you for the sex.
64
00:01:57,669 --> 00:01:58,836
Yeah, sure.
65
00:01:58,936 --> 00:02:00,771
You're welcome.
66
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,475
Hey, you wanna go out
and get something to eat?
67
00:02:03,574 --> 00:02:04,476
What?
68
00:02:04,576 --> 00:02:05,776
I'm hungry,
69
00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,277
and I don't have any food here
because of pantry moths.
70
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,447
So you wanna go out out?
71
00:02:09,548 --> 00:02:11,181
Yeah.
72
00:02:11,281 --> 00:02:12,883
- Yeah.
- Cool.
73
00:02:12,983 --> 00:02:14,952
I'll throw on some pants.
74
00:02:15,053 --> 00:02:16,454
Roar.
75
00:02:16,554 --> 00:02:18,257
♪
76
00:02:18,357 --> 00:02:20,959
Even you have to admit
that it's a pretty big deal.
77
00:02:21,059 --> 00:02:22,426
What do you mean by "even you"?
78
00:02:22,526 --> 00:02:24,630
Well, because, you know,
some people... not me...
79
00:02:24,729 --> 00:02:26,689
would refer to you as a cold,
stone-hearted cyborg
80
00:02:26,764 --> 00:02:28,032
that thinks love is dead.
81
00:02:28,132 --> 00:02:29,066
Devin says that, doesn't he?
82
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:30,068
Yeah.
83
00:02:30,168 --> 00:02:31,202
But I think things are changing.
84
00:02:31,301 --> 00:02:33,938
I think Derrick might like me like me.
85
00:02:34,038 --> 00:02:36,642
I'm just not sure that
breakfast means he likes you.
86
00:02:36,741 --> 00:02:37,608
Don't complicate things.
87
00:02:37,709 --> 00:02:39,711
Right now, you get horny, you bone.
88
00:02:39,811 --> 00:02:41,045
It's easy.
89
00:02:41,145 --> 00:02:42,012
Yeah, I guess our whole sitch
like works pretty well
90
00:02:42,113 --> 00:02:43,348
for the both of us.
91
00:02:43,448 --> 00:02:44,850
Uh, I gotta go.
I can't be late for work.
92
00:02:44,949 --> 00:02:47,619
Wait. So they have you working
like every day?
93
00:02:47,719 --> 00:02:48,719
How is that legal?
94
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:49,821
Well, it's like five days in a row,
95
00:02:49,922 --> 00:02:51,042
but then I get two days off.
96
00:02:51,089 --> 00:02:52,390
- Uh, I guess that seems fair.
- Mm-hmm.
97
00:02:52,490 --> 00:02:53,924
Thanks for the ride.
I'll text you later.
98
00:02:54,025 --> 00:02:55,693
Okay.
99
00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:57,596
I could work in an office.
100
00:02:57,696 --> 00:02:59,130
Good morning, HR.
101
00:02:59,229 --> 00:03:01,799
That Jefferson's file on your desk, HR.
102
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:03,469
Oh, watch your back, Greg.
103
00:03:03,568 --> 00:03:06,405
You wronged the woman in charge
of all the things.
104
00:03:06,505 --> 00:03:09,275
Yeah, I could totally work in an office.
105
00:03:12,744 --> 00:03:14,112
[phone vibrates]
106
00:03:14,211 --> 00:03:15,246
Hello?
107
00:03:15,346 --> 00:03:16,381
Derrick took you out to breakfast,
108
00:03:16,482 --> 00:03:17,649
and you tell me over text message?
109
00:03:17,749 --> 00:03:18,882
No, no!
110
00:03:18,983 --> 00:03:20,085
This is huge.
111
00:03:20,185 --> 00:03:21,318
Get here now, Nicole!
112
00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:22,520
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
113
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:25,923
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
114
00:03:26,024 --> 00:03:27,925
[tires squeal]
115
00:03:28,025 --> 00:03:31,762
♪
116
00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:32,863
[gasps]
117
00:03:32,898 --> 00:03:34,098
He likes you!
118
00:03:34,198 --> 00:03:35,767
He likes you!
119
00:03:35,866 --> 00:03:37,869
Hold on, I wanna take a selfie
so I can remember
120
00:03:37,969 --> 00:03:39,971
what I was wearing when
I found out Derrick likes you.
121
00:03:40,071 --> 00:03:41,372
Do you really thinks so?
122
00:03:41,472 --> 00:03:43,007
'Cause I thought so too,
123
00:03:43,108 --> 00:03:44,408
but then I was talking to Veronica...
124
00:03:44,508 --> 00:03:46,477
[groans] That cold, stone-hearted cyborg
125
00:03:46,578 --> 00:03:48,180
knows nothing about love.
126
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,815
This is something
you should have brought to me.
127
00:03:49,914 --> 00:03:51,850
- Okay, let's get into the deets.
- Okay.
128
00:03:51,949 --> 00:03:52,949
Where did he take you?
129
00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:53,983
That diner on Franklin.
130
00:03:54,019 --> 00:03:55,059
- Oh, very fancy.
- Mm-hmm.
131
00:03:55,119 --> 00:03:55,988
What did he wear?
132
00:03:56,088 --> 00:03:57,255
He was wearing flip flops
133
00:03:57,354 --> 00:03:58,590
and that knockoff Easy
sweatshirt he got on Etsy.
134
00:03:58,690 --> 00:04:00,692
Okay, casual, straight guy elegant.
135
00:04:00,792 --> 00:04:01,693
Who paid?
136
00:04:01,793 --> 00:04:03,361
Get ready for it.
137
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:04,460
Baby, are you ready?
138
00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:05,796
Oh, I'm strapped in so hard.
139
00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:06,765
He did.
140
00:04:06,864 --> 00:04:08,799
Stop, rinse, repeat.
141
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,469
- He paid?
- Yahhhh!
142
00:04:10,568 --> 00:04:11,568
Yes!
143
00:04:11,636 --> 00:04:13,705
♪
144
00:04:13,804 --> 00:04:14,840
Twenty-six dollars.
145
00:04:16,374 --> 00:04:17,376
Place is cash only.
146
00:04:17,475 --> 00:04:18,876
I only have a card.
147
00:04:18,977 --> 00:04:20,712
It's okay, I got it.
148
00:04:20,811 --> 00:04:25,016
♪
149
00:04:25,116 --> 00:04:26,684
That is so romantic.
150
00:04:26,785 --> 00:04:27,885
I know, right?
151
00:04:27,986 --> 00:04:30,989
He could have made me
go to a gas station ATM.
152
00:04:31,088 --> 00:04:32,557
- But he didn't.
- Hmm-mm.
153
00:04:32,657 --> 00:04:33,891
Oh.
154
00:04:33,991 --> 00:04:34,792
[dramatic sigh]
155
00:04:34,893 --> 00:04:36,126
Oh, no.
156
00:04:36,227 --> 00:04:37,027
What was that sigh?
157
00:04:37,128 --> 00:04:38,630
Honey, what's wrong?
158
00:04:38,729 --> 00:04:40,230
[sighs]
159
00:04:40,330 --> 00:04:41,732
I miss Flynn.
160
00:04:41,833 --> 00:04:43,434
Wait, was that the guy whose
peen was squishy everywhere
161
00:04:43,535 --> 00:04:45,537
- except the middle?
- No!
162
00:04:45,636 --> 00:04:48,673
Uh, was it the guy
who slapped a baby at Sears?
163
00:04:48,773 --> 00:04:50,007
No.
164
00:04:50,107 --> 00:04:51,042
Oh, okay. Was it the guy
that said he was a lifeguard
165
00:04:51,143 --> 00:04:52,077
but then like wasn't a lifeguard?
166
00:04:52,176 --> 00:04:53,878
- What was his name?
- No, Trevor, no.
167
00:04:53,979 --> 00:04:55,746
This is Mr. Right,
the one that got away.
168
00:04:55,847 --> 00:04:57,950
Blond hair, blue eyes,
Botox sweat glands...
169
00:04:58,049 --> 00:04:59,049
Oh.
170
00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:01,386
...incredible sm... I'm so sorry.
171
00:05:01,486 --> 00:05:03,455
- What?
- This isn't about me.
172
00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:05,594
This is about my baby girl
and her new relationship.
173
00:05:05,691 --> 00:05:06,390
Stop it!
174
00:05:06,491 --> 00:05:07,893
I'm not in a relationship.
175
00:05:07,992 --> 00:05:09,026
I mean, not yet.
176
00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:10,328
- But I know that he likes you.
- [giggles]
177
00:05:10,429 --> 00:05:11,328
And I can prove it.
178
00:05:11,429 --> 00:05:12,731
- Give me your phone.
- No.
179
00:05:12,830 --> 00:05:14,866
No, seriously, I'm gonna
text him something super boring.
180
00:05:14,965 --> 00:05:17,369
And if he responds,
then we know he likes you.
181
00:05:17,468 --> 00:05:19,103
It's the boyfriend test.
182
00:05:19,203 --> 00:05:20,037
Okay.
183
00:05:20,138 --> 00:05:21,340
Mm-hmm.
184
00:05:24,342 --> 00:05:28,679
"I saw a bird."
185
00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:29,780
Then we wait.
186
00:05:29,813 --> 00:05:30,681
Okay.
187
00:05:30,782 --> 00:05:32,250
- Mm.
- Mm.
188
00:05:32,350 --> 00:05:33,684
Mm.
189
00:05:33,785 --> 00:05:36,155
Mm.
190
00:05:36,254 --> 00:05:37,721
BOTH: [sighs]
191
00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:41,059
You know, I don't think
I can convert to Judaism.
192
00:05:41,159 --> 00:05:43,995
But I do wanna start wearing
those tiny little hats.
193
00:05:44,095 --> 00:05:45,496
Honestly, you've got
the perfect little head
194
00:05:45,597 --> 00:05:46,965
for tiny little hats.
195
00:05:47,064 --> 00:05:48,132
Thank you.
196
00:05:48,232 --> 00:05:49,834
- [phone vibrates]
- [unintelligible]
197
00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:50,934
Oooh, it's Derrick.
198
00:05:50,968 --> 00:05:51,869
Oh, what'd he say?
199
00:05:51,970 --> 00:05:54,405
"Cool."
200
00:05:54,506 --> 00:05:55,874
I don't wanna understate this,
201
00:05:55,974 --> 00:05:57,909
but that is everything.
202
00:05:58,008 --> 00:05:59,676
BOTH: Yes!
203
00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:01,313
It's official.
204
00:06:01,412 --> 00:06:02,948
Derrick likes me.
205
00:06:03,047 --> 00:06:04,081
Congratulations, Boo-boo.
206
00:06:04,181 --> 00:06:05,684
Mm.
207
00:06:06,648 --> 00:06:09,894
DEVIN: And before I make
a toast... just a sip for you...
208
00:06:10,114 --> 00:06:11,650
I'd like to make an announcement.
209
00:06:12,029 --> 00:06:13,697
I've decided to reconnect with Flynn.
210
00:06:13,722 --> 00:06:15,857
Uh, I am so happy for you.
211
00:06:15,956 --> 00:06:18,225
- This is amazing.
- Thank you.
212
00:06:18,326 --> 00:06:19,527
Veronica?
213
00:06:19,628 --> 00:06:20,929
Yeah, I'm happy for you, too.
214
00:06:21,028 --> 00:06:22,296
Okay, great. A toast.
215
00:06:22,397 --> 00:06:23,699
To Derrick,
216
00:06:23,799 --> 00:06:26,335
may his boyfriend game
be as strong as his dick game.
217
00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:27,970
He really likes me.
218
00:06:28,069 --> 00:06:29,203
Still with this?
219
00:06:29,304 --> 00:06:30,472
He paid, Veronica.
220
00:06:30,571 --> 00:06:31,706
He paid for breakfast.
221
00:06:31,806 --> 00:06:33,374
He basically got down
on one knee and proposed.
222
00:06:33,475 --> 00:06:34,742
You didn't tell me he paid.
223
00:06:34,842 --> 00:06:37,378
Uh, well, you were being
very negative, so I didn't...
224
00:06:37,479 --> 00:06:38,479
I wasn't being negative.
225
00:06:38,547 --> 00:06:39,780
I was being practical.
226
00:06:39,881 --> 00:06:41,383
Uh, same diff.
227
00:06:41,482 --> 00:06:42,482
Maybe he does like you.
228
00:06:42,551 --> 00:06:44,386
See? Yes, I knew it!
229
00:06:44,486 --> 00:06:46,521
In your face. In your dumb face.
230
00:06:46,621 --> 00:06:47,989
But do you even like him?
231
00:06:48,090 --> 00:06:49,325
Mm, wait, what?
232
00:06:49,424 --> 00:06:50,624
I mean, you've spent so much time
233
00:06:50,725 --> 00:06:51,859
wondering if he likes you.
234
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,461
Have you stopped
to ask yourself what you want?
235
00:06:53,561 --> 00:06:55,696
No, I've been too busy
planning our life together.
236
00:06:55,797 --> 00:06:57,599
But do you even want a relationship?
237
00:06:57,698 --> 00:06:59,333
Veronica, I don't know.
238
00:06:59,434 --> 00:07:00,969
Maybe it's a good time
to figure that out.
239
00:07:01,068 --> 00:07:02,871
Play the field, see what's out there.
240
00:07:02,970 --> 00:07:05,173
I mean, I've been with a lot of guys.
241
00:07:05,273 --> 00:07:06,507
I be slamming all the time.
242
00:07:06,607 --> 00:07:08,509
Yeah, no, there's
a ton of slamming and grinding
243
00:07:08,609 --> 00:07:10,645
and choking and uhh, you know?
244
00:07:10,746 --> 00:07:13,335
But there's not
a lot of wining and dining.
245
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:14,210
Uh.
246
00:07:14,235 --> 00:07:16,383
Before you commit to Derrick,
as a favor to me,
247
00:07:16,484 --> 00:07:19,188
go on one date with someone else.
248
00:07:19,287 --> 00:07:21,023
You know, I'm actually
really okay with this plan.
249
00:07:21,123 --> 00:07:23,425
Nothing will stand
in the way of true love.
250
00:07:23,525 --> 00:07:24,691
Okay.
251
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:29,230
Well, as a favor to you, I'm out.
252
00:07:29,330 --> 00:07:30,597
Where are you going?
253
00:07:30,698 --> 00:07:32,366
I got a Tinder date
with the pizza place next door.
254
00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:34,230
- That's not what I meant.
- That's what I heard.
255
00:07:34,316 --> 00:07:35,750
Bye... boop.
256
00:07:35,850 --> 00:07:37,290
Could you get me a chicken parm slice
257
00:07:37,319 --> 00:07:39,088
- on the way home?
- Oh, absolutely.
258
00:07:39,188 --> 00:07:41,090
Oooh, have you ever had
chicken parm on a pizza?
259
00:07:41,115 --> 00:07:43,153
- No.
- Oh my God, you get twice the crunch.
260
00:07:43,179 --> 00:07:45,392
Crunch from the crust,
crunch from the chicken, aaah.
261
00:07:45,492 --> 00:07:47,428
This is the most I've ever liked you.
262
00:07:47,528 --> 00:07:48,963
Come on, no way.
263
00:07:49,064 --> 00:07:49,965
Yes way.
264
00:07:50,064 --> 00:07:51,766
I swear my birthday is May 8th, too.
265
00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:54,169
How weird that we both have
the same birthday.
266
00:07:54,268 --> 00:07:56,304
Super weird. [laughing]
267
00:07:56,403 --> 00:07:57,872
Um, I'm gonna get another drink.
268
00:07:57,972 --> 00:07:59,174
Do you want one?
269
00:07:59,273 --> 00:08:00,541
Uh, listen.
270
00:08:00,641 --> 00:08:02,844
I like you,
you're really pretty and fun.
271
00:08:02,944 --> 00:08:03,711
Thank you.
272
00:08:03,811 --> 00:08:04,713
But don't get another drink
273
00:08:04,813 --> 00:08:06,173
unless you're gonna sleep with me.
274
00:08:06,215 --> 00:08:07,715
I've just spent too much
time and money on girls
275
00:08:07,816 --> 00:08:10,018
who bail at the eleventh hour.
276
00:08:10,119 --> 00:08:11,919
Okay. You know what?
277
00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:13,022
No thank you.
278
00:08:15,523 --> 00:08:18,025
I am gonna take this pizza,
'cause I don't need you.
279
00:08:18,126 --> 00:08:20,828
I already have a boyfriend.
280
00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:22,262
Bye.
281
00:08:22,362 --> 00:08:24,465
♪
282
00:08:24,565 --> 00:08:25,867
[knocking at door]
283
00:08:28,035 --> 00:08:31,439
If I text you to come over, would you?
284
00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:33,241
Uh, maybe.
285
00:08:33,341 --> 00:08:34,621
What am I doing in this scenario?
286
00:08:34,675 --> 00:08:36,310
I don't know. Watching a movie.
287
00:08:36,410 --> 00:08:37,450
At the theater or at home?
288
00:08:37,512 --> 00:08:38,512
At home.
289
00:08:38,546 --> 00:08:40,415
Yeah, I'd... I'd come over.
290
00:08:40,516 --> 00:08:42,251
Aaaaw.
291
00:08:42,351 --> 00:08:44,953
Oh my God, oh, what is this?
292
00:08:45,053 --> 00:08:46,655
Oh, sorry, I had a ton of those made
293
00:08:46,755 --> 00:08:48,590
for my storytelling show.
294
00:08:48,689 --> 00:08:50,257
You have a show?
295
00:08:50,357 --> 00:08:52,093
Yeah, it's just like a monthly thing.
296
00:08:52,193 --> 00:08:55,429
Artists, poets telling stories
about their lives.
297
00:08:55,530 --> 00:08:56,865
Oh, wow, it sounds cool.
298
00:08:56,964 --> 00:08:59,700
Oop, I can feel my balls again.
299
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,103
[laughing] I yanked on them so hard.
300
00:09:02,203 --> 00:09:04,005
- Good sign.
- [sighs]
301
00:09:04,104 --> 00:09:04,839
Yeah, it's a good show.
302
00:09:04,939 --> 00:09:06,107
You should come by tomorrow.
303
00:09:06,207 --> 00:09:07,876
Uh, maybe I will.
304
00:09:07,976 --> 00:09:09,309
Cool.
305
00:09:09,410 --> 00:09:11,810
Hey, so, hate to kick you out,
but I borrowed my buddy's car.
306
00:09:11,847 --> 00:09:13,682
I'm doing the whole ride sharing thing.
307
00:09:13,781 --> 00:09:15,349
You didn't tell me you got a job.
308
00:09:15,449 --> 00:09:16,584
Yep. [sighs]
309
00:09:16,684 --> 00:09:17,553
I can give you a ride home,
310
00:09:17,652 --> 00:09:18,619
you just gotta go through the app.
311
00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:20,355
Can't you just like take me home?
312
00:09:20,455 --> 00:09:21,455
It's like 20 bucks.
313
00:09:21,490 --> 00:09:23,124
That's not $20.
314
00:09:23,223 --> 00:09:24,224
I'm pretty sure that's $20.
315
00:09:24,324 --> 00:09:25,560
No, it's like $4.
316
00:09:25,660 --> 00:09:26,561
Twenty bucks.
317
00:09:26,661 --> 00:09:28,129
Can't you just like, you know,
318
00:09:28,229 --> 00:09:30,431
give me a little free ride?
319
00:09:30,531 --> 00:09:32,199
Twenty bucks.
320
00:09:32,299 --> 00:09:33,334
♪ You got the fever ♪
321
00:09:33,434 --> 00:09:35,102
♪
322
00:09:35,203 --> 00:09:36,371
Okay, la fatchia.
323
00:09:36,471 --> 00:09:37,471
La fatchia.
324
00:09:37,539 --> 00:09:39,274
Okay.
325
00:09:39,373 --> 00:09:41,075
Spray tan, make this white canvas
326
00:09:41,175 --> 00:09:44,411
a hearty gold spray tan
for the one that got away.
327
00:09:44,511 --> 00:09:46,381
Manifest potential.
328
00:09:46,481 --> 00:09:48,717
Create desire.
329
00:09:48,817 --> 00:09:50,685
Don't wanna forget that undercarriage.
330
00:09:50,785 --> 00:09:52,853
Gotta paint that taint.
331
00:09:52,953 --> 00:09:54,689
♪
332
00:09:56,692 --> 00:09:58,427
Ma'am, we have a saying
here at the office.
333
00:09:58,526 --> 00:10:00,362
Uh, why rent a wheelchair
334
00:10:00,462 --> 00:10:02,396
when you can rent to own a wheelchair,
335
00:10:02,496 --> 00:10:04,565
when paralysis
is using pretty permanent.
336
00:10:04,665 --> 00:10:06,667
I have news.
337
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:09,336
Yeah, so are you thinking
manual or electric?
338
00:10:09,437 --> 00:10:10,706
- Ploop.
- [dial tone]
339
00:10:10,805 --> 00:10:11,706
That was a sales call.
340
00:10:11,807 --> 00:10:13,575
Oh, my hand slipped.
341
00:10:13,674 --> 00:10:15,474
Listen, big things
are happening with Derrick.
342
00:10:15,544 --> 00:10:16,845
Big, big, big things.
343
00:10:16,944 --> 00:10:18,146
I thought you were gonna
take some time to figure out
344
00:10:18,246 --> 00:10:19,246
if you liked him back.
345
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:20,381
I did. I was on that Tinder date
346
00:10:20,481 --> 00:10:22,450
for like a full half hour to 45 minutes.
347
00:10:22,549 --> 00:10:24,585
Look, what this is.
348
00:10:24,687 --> 00:10:27,088
It's a flyer
to Derrick's storytelling show.
349
00:10:27,188 --> 00:10:29,891
Ugh! That's awful.
350
00:10:29,991 --> 00:10:31,760
No, it's not. He invited me to it.
351
00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:33,494
It's like a second date.
352
00:10:33,594 --> 00:10:34,463
Well, maybe he does like you.
353
00:10:34,563 --> 00:10:36,197
Duh! Yes!
354
00:10:36,296 --> 00:10:37,631
First breakfast, now his career.
355
00:10:37,732 --> 00:10:39,200
Our lives are weaving together.
356
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,535
Mwah.
357
00:10:40,636 --> 00:10:41,935
Derrick is in love with me.
358
00:10:42,036 --> 00:10:44,137
Totally, utterly in love with me.
359
00:10:44,238 --> 00:10:46,541
And I think I'm ready
to be in a relationship.
360
00:10:46,641 --> 00:10:48,809
Okay, so just to clarify,
361
00:10:48,910 --> 00:10:51,145
you are suddenly ready to be in
a relationship
362
00:10:51,246 --> 00:10:54,082
because you think
that he is in love with you?
363
00:10:54,183 --> 00:10:55,217
Exactly.
364
00:10:55,317 --> 00:10:56,485
How very empowered of you.
365
00:10:56,584 --> 00:10:58,685
Thank you.
366
00:10:58,785 --> 00:11:00,054
I hate to be the Miranda in your life,
367
00:11:00,155 --> 00:11:02,190
but are you really ready
for a relationship?
368
00:11:02,290 --> 00:11:03,424
Yes!
369
00:11:03,525 --> 00:11:07,161
I'm a grown-ass woman in love!
[laughing]
370
00:11:07,261 --> 00:11:08,963
I'm in love.
371
00:11:09,063 --> 00:11:10,665
And I'm going through perimenopause.
372
00:11:10,765 --> 00:11:12,400
So we both have things.
373
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,136
♪
374
00:11:15,954 --> 00:11:18,156
♪
375
00:11:18,256 --> 00:11:20,726
Honestly, it is a crime against nature
376
00:11:20,826 --> 00:11:23,928
that my natural skin tone
isn't Nantucket Bronze.
377
00:11:24,029 --> 00:11:26,164
Mm, look at this makeup.
378
00:11:26,265 --> 00:11:29,369
Is this not the makeup
of a woman in a relationship?
379
00:11:29,468 --> 00:11:30,769
DEVIN: You look gorgeous.
380
00:11:30,870 --> 00:11:33,740
Look at us. Two friends finding love.
381
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:34,840
You found Flynn?
382
00:11:34,939 --> 00:11:36,742
No, he's not on any social media.
383
00:11:36,842 --> 00:11:37,876
Yo, that's pretty dope.
384
00:11:37,976 --> 00:11:39,278
Yeah, he is pretty dope.
385
00:11:39,377 --> 00:11:41,312
Anyways, I hired an online private eye.
386
00:11:41,413 --> 00:11:42,782
I should have his info any minute now.
387
00:11:42,881 --> 00:11:46,017
Devin, can we just
sit for a moment and take in
388
00:11:46,117 --> 00:11:48,620
how mature we are
in our love relationships?
389
00:11:48,721 --> 00:11:51,289
We're so mature that our life
fits the commercial block
390
00:11:51,390 --> 00:11:53,693
from like 2:30 a.m. 'til 6 a.m.
391
00:11:53,793 --> 00:11:55,828
Like, "Mesothelioma."
392
00:11:55,928 --> 00:11:57,029
"Oh my God, I can't sleep.
393
00:11:57,130 --> 00:11:58,664
What is mesothelioma?"
394
00:11:58,765 --> 00:11:59,631
We're like two old ladies
395
00:11:59,731 --> 00:12:01,567
waiting for soup at a diner mature.
396
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,035
Like those people
who don't have any teeth
397
00:12:03,135 --> 00:12:04,135
and have to wear dentures and like,
398
00:12:04,236 --> 00:12:05,104
[mumbling] "You know what?
399
00:12:05,203 --> 00:12:06,572
"I'm gonna eat some pasta,
400
00:12:06,672 --> 00:12:09,909
because pasta
is every good for my gums."
401
00:12:10,009 --> 00:12:12,212
♪
402
00:12:18,217 --> 00:12:19,119
Thank you.
403
00:12:19,218 --> 00:12:20,753
Yes, thank you.
404
00:12:26,458 --> 00:12:27,626
[gasps]
405
00:12:27,726 --> 00:12:28,760
DERRICK: You made it.
406
00:12:28,861 --> 00:12:29,827
Hey, thank you so much for inviting me.
407
00:12:29,928 --> 00:12:31,764
I'm excited to see you perform.
408
00:12:31,864 --> 00:12:33,032
Yup.
409
00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:35,468
I'd better get backstage
for my preshow ritual.
410
00:12:35,568 --> 00:12:37,269
- I pound a beer.
- [laughs]
411
00:12:37,370 --> 00:12:38,804
You look hot.
412
00:12:38,904 --> 00:12:40,005
Oooh, thank you.
413
00:12:40,106 --> 00:12:42,875
I'm melting.
414
00:12:42,975 --> 00:12:45,445
'Cause I'm so... hot.
415
00:12:45,544 --> 00:12:46,878
Okay.
416
00:12:46,978 --> 00:12:50,415
♪
417
00:12:50,515 --> 00:12:51,650
Is anyone sitting there?
418
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,086
Oh, no.
419
00:12:53,186 --> 00:12:54,253
Normally my boyfriend, Derrick...
420
00:12:54,352 --> 00:12:57,222
ooh, that word sounds good in my mouth.
421
00:12:57,322 --> 00:12:58,790
My boyfriend would sit next to me,
422
00:12:58,891 --> 00:13:00,171
but he's one of the storytellers.
423
00:13:00,226 --> 00:13:02,160
Boyfriend.
424
00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:03,161
Oh, I'm sorry.
425
00:13:03,261 --> 00:13:04,063
Oh no, it's okay.
426
00:13:04,163 --> 00:13:05,029
I have a boyfriend.
427
00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:06,631
[laughing]
428
00:13:06,731 --> 00:13:09,968
[sighs]
429
00:13:10,068 --> 00:13:11,170
Hey, everybody.
430
00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:13,471
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
431
00:13:13,572 --> 00:13:16,241
Tonight's theme is childhood.
432
00:13:16,342 --> 00:13:19,511
[cup hits floor]
433
00:13:19,611 --> 00:13:23,649
I will begin with
the first story of the evening.
434
00:13:23,750 --> 00:13:27,953
[applause]
435
00:13:28,053 --> 00:13:30,622
I'm grateful...
436
00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:35,193
my parents decided to split up
during the summer.
437
00:13:35,294 --> 00:13:39,030
Because I didn't have to hear
their fighting...
438
00:13:39,131 --> 00:13:42,934
over the sounds of the cicadas.
439
00:13:43,034 --> 00:13:46,237
With Dad gone, I...
440
00:13:46,338 --> 00:13:48,407
was now the man of the house...
441
00:13:48,508 --> 00:13:51,677
at the ripe, old age of 14.
442
00:13:51,776 --> 00:13:53,979
"You coming to my baseball game, Dad?"
443
00:13:54,079 --> 00:13:55,614
"Sure am, Son."
444
00:13:55,715 --> 00:13:56,782
Did he?
445
00:13:56,981 --> 00:13:59,084
He was the coach.
He was forced to be there.
446
00:13:59,185 --> 00:14:00,486
Shouldn't you wait
for your boyfriend to finish?
447
00:14:00,586 --> 00:14:01,653
Stop saying boyfriend.
448
00:14:01,754 --> 00:14:03,555
Well, that's America for ya!
449
00:14:03,654 --> 00:14:06,158
Land of the free, home of the divorced.
450
00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:08,094
Eeh, too much.
451
00:14:08,193 --> 00:14:09,494
"Where you going, Dad?
452
00:14:09,595 --> 00:14:10,763
"How do I contact you?
453
00:14:10,863 --> 00:14:11,863
Where you living?"
454
00:14:11,931 --> 00:14:13,898
"I'm living Sharon, Son."
455
00:14:13,999 --> 00:14:14,867
"Who's Sharon?
456
00:14:14,966 --> 00:14:15,966
Do I call her Mom now?"
457
00:14:16,001 --> 00:14:17,302
No, you're not Mom, Sharon!
458
00:14:17,403 --> 00:14:18,937
You're not my mom!
459
00:14:21,650 --> 00:14:24,417
Oh, no, no, no, no.
460
00:14:24,442 --> 00:14:25,510
[sighs]
461
00:14:25,610 --> 00:14:28,081
The lighting is all bad.
462
00:14:28,181 --> 00:14:29,816
I look like Sam Kinison.
463
00:14:34,253 --> 00:14:35,253
Hi.
464
00:14:35,321 --> 00:14:36,721
I'm meeting a former lover,
465
00:14:36,821 --> 00:14:39,024
and the lighting's
actually perfect right here.
466
00:14:41,193 --> 00:14:42,227
Get out!
467
00:14:42,327 --> 00:14:44,362
Scurry along!
468
00:14:44,462 --> 00:14:45,898
Have a great night though.
469
00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:50,802
Devin?
470
00:14:50,903 --> 00:14:52,303
Flynn.
471
00:14:52,403 --> 00:14:54,773
Oh, my precious little Flynn.
472
00:14:54,874 --> 00:14:56,841
I should have kissed you
when I had the chance
473
00:14:56,942 --> 00:14:58,644
in the Palm Desert.
474
00:14:58,744 --> 00:15:02,949
But I was too scared,
and very high on ketamine.
475
00:15:03,048 --> 00:15:04,583
But that's all in the past.
476
00:15:04,683 --> 00:15:07,486
Well, luckily, we have the present.
477
00:15:07,586 --> 00:15:10,389
And the future.
478
00:15:10,489 --> 00:15:11,691
I'm glad you reached out.
479
00:15:11,791 --> 00:15:13,292
No, don't!
480
00:15:13,392 --> 00:15:15,128
I'm sorry, I can't.
481
00:15:15,227 --> 00:15:17,129
What's wrong?
482
00:15:17,230 --> 00:15:18,596
I just can't.
483
00:15:18,696 --> 00:15:21,033
♪
484
00:15:28,139 --> 00:15:29,808
♪ If I could see ♪
485
00:15:29,908 --> 00:15:32,444
V, we gotta talk about Derrick's show.
486
00:15:32,544 --> 00:15:34,178
What happened? Was he bad?
487
00:15:34,278 --> 00:15:36,047
NICOLE: No, he was good.
488
00:15:36,148 --> 00:15:38,183
It was just so unsettling
listening to him talk
489
00:15:38,283 --> 00:15:40,052
about his parent's divorce.
490
00:15:40,152 --> 00:15:41,454
I know what happened.
491
00:15:41,553 --> 00:15:43,873
He went from being a sex buddy
to a real, live human being.
492
00:15:43,922 --> 00:15:44,990
I know.
493
00:15:45,091 --> 00:15:47,658
If I was his girlfriend,
he'd expect me to listen
494
00:15:47,759 --> 00:15:50,428
to like all his stuff and his problems.
495
00:15:50,528 --> 00:15:51,730
That's what a relationship is.
496
00:15:51,831 --> 00:15:53,733
It's people talking about real shit.
497
00:15:53,832 --> 00:15:56,701
You know, I never thought
of him as like a person.
498
00:15:56,802 --> 00:15:58,837
I just thought of him as like...
499
00:15:58,937 --> 00:16:03,509
flesh formed around a really good dick.
500
00:16:03,609 --> 00:16:06,379
Aren't relationships
supposed to be easy?
501
00:16:06,479 --> 00:16:09,448
That's what literally no one says.
502
00:16:09,547 --> 00:16:11,149
I just want love.
503
00:16:11,249 --> 00:16:12,985
[bang]
504
00:16:13,085 --> 00:16:16,889
Just like real love with real passion.
505
00:16:16,989 --> 00:16:17,656
You'll find it.
506
00:16:17,755 --> 00:16:18,924
There's plenty of time.
507
00:16:19,024 --> 00:16:20,124
You're only 25.
508
00:16:20,225 --> 00:16:22,894
Maybe I'm too young
to be in a relationship.
509
00:16:22,994 --> 00:16:26,565
You know, I can't be
Derrick's girlfriend.
510
00:16:26,664 --> 00:16:28,867
I need to be free.
511
00:16:28,967 --> 00:16:31,002
I think that's a good choice, Nicole.
512
00:16:31,102 --> 00:16:33,339
- I mean...
- NICOLE: Ah, not now, Veronica!
513
00:16:33,438 --> 00:16:34,807
I'm a bird.
514
00:16:34,907 --> 00:16:36,942
I'm a big, black beautiful bird.
515
00:16:40,012 --> 00:16:42,081
[iron sizzling]
516
00:16:42,181 --> 00:16:43,482
Oh shit, I'm burning this.
517
00:16:43,581 --> 00:16:45,083
See, I'm a bird.
518
00:16:45,183 --> 00:16:46,183
I need to be free.
519
00:16:46,251 --> 00:16:47,252
I can't be caged.
520
00:16:47,352 --> 00:16:48,153
What are you talking about?
521
00:16:48,254 --> 00:16:49,355
I need my wings!
522
00:16:49,455 --> 00:16:50,495
Please don't mess with me.
523
00:16:50,556 --> 00:16:52,490
I took a lot of edibles after my show.
524
00:16:52,590 --> 00:16:54,959
It's just... I like
sleeping with you, Derrick.
525
00:16:55,060 --> 00:16:58,763
The sex with you is... ooh-wee,
it is so good.
526
00:16:58,864 --> 00:17:00,365
But I'm not ready to be
in a relationship.
527
00:17:00,465 --> 00:17:02,099
I'm too young.
528
00:17:02,201 --> 00:17:05,171
I have too many things
that I wanna accomplish.
529
00:17:05,270 --> 00:17:08,173
Okay, listen...
530
00:17:08,274 --> 00:17:11,144
I don't wanna hurt you.
531
00:17:11,243 --> 00:17:13,545
I care about you.
532
00:17:13,645 --> 00:17:15,247
It's not you, it's me.
533
00:17:15,346 --> 00:17:19,350
Okay, just slow down,
let me figure this out, okay?
534
00:17:19,451 --> 00:17:20,586
[exhales]
535
00:17:20,685 --> 00:17:22,220
Are we still gonna have sex?
536
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:23,888
Yeah.
537
00:17:23,989 --> 00:17:25,658
Okay, good.
538
00:17:25,758 --> 00:17:29,127
What exactly is changing?
539
00:17:29,228 --> 00:17:30,895
I guess nothing.
540
00:17:30,996 --> 00:17:32,098
Okay.
541
00:17:32,198 --> 00:17:33,032
Cool.
542
00:17:33,132 --> 00:17:34,132
Yeah.
543
00:17:34,165 --> 00:17:36,969
So to be clear, nothing is changing.
544
00:17:37,068 --> 00:17:38,270
Got it.
545
00:17:41,540 --> 00:17:43,908
I kinda wanna doink you right now.
546
00:17:44,009 --> 00:17:45,544
I kinda want you to doink me.
547
00:17:45,644 --> 00:17:47,179
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
548
00:17:47,278 --> 00:17:48,814
- Yeah.
- [laughing]
549
00:17:48,905 --> 00:17:50,774
- [moaning]
- Oh, before I forget.
550
00:17:50,883 --> 00:17:53,619
- Mm-hmm.
- You owe me $14 for breakfast.
551
00:17:53,719 --> 00:17:54,987
- Okay.
- Okay.
552
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:59,357
Oh, and my landlord
got rid of the pantry moths,
553
00:17:59,458 --> 00:18:01,125
so we don't have to leave
if we wanna eat.
554
00:18:01,226 --> 00:18:02,561
Okay.
555
00:18:02,661 --> 00:18:05,331
[moaning]
556
00:18:05,431 --> 00:18:07,199
I have something you can eat.
557
00:18:07,298 --> 00:18:08,733
What is it?
558
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:11,168
It's an euphemism.
I'm trying to be sexy.
559
00:18:11,269 --> 00:18:13,105
♪
560
00:18:13,204 --> 00:18:14,924
NICOLE: Just take off
your clothes, come on.
561
00:18:16,642 --> 00:18:17,911
♪
562
00:18:18,012 --> 00:18:20,246
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
563
00:18:20,347 --> 00:18:21,715
What are we toasting?
564
00:18:21,814 --> 00:18:24,717
Oh, that Veronica is happy
that I have decided
565
00:18:24,818 --> 00:18:26,987
to keep being sex buddies with Derrick.
566
00:18:27,087 --> 00:18:29,723
And she is not going to have
a relationship with him.
567
00:18:29,822 --> 00:18:31,425
- Correct.
- Ooh, that's a good call.
568
00:18:31,524 --> 00:18:32,825
I don't like him for you.
569
00:18:32,926 --> 00:18:33,828
Weren't you the one telling Nicole
570
00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:35,195
that this was true love?
571
00:18:35,294 --> 00:18:36,162
I'm over it.
572
00:18:36,263 --> 00:18:37,364
I'm totally down on love right now.
573
00:18:37,464 --> 00:18:38,365
Oh no.
574
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:39,299
What happened with Flynn?
575
00:18:39,398 --> 00:18:40,600
He just let himself go.
576
00:18:40,701 --> 00:18:41,868
It was like he took his face off
577
00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:43,887
and put on a leather sculpture
of John C. Reilly.
578
00:18:43,936 --> 00:18:45,738
I hate to Miranda again,
579
00:18:45,839 --> 00:18:47,407
but did he really let himself go?
580
00:18:47,506 --> 00:18:48,666
Or did you just do that thing
581
00:18:48,742 --> 00:18:49,976
where you build something up
so much in your head
582
00:18:50,077 --> 00:18:52,012
that it can't live up to expectations?
583
00:18:52,111 --> 00:18:55,416
I don't wanna talk about it.
584
00:18:55,515 --> 00:18:56,582
Mm.
585
00:18:56,683 --> 00:18:58,885
So the cyborg was right about love.
586
00:18:58,985 --> 00:19:01,155
I begrudgingly accept defeat.
587
00:19:01,254 --> 00:19:02,289
Mm.
588
00:19:02,388 --> 00:19:04,157
Oh yeah, my friends.
589
00:19:04,257 --> 00:19:05,925
But seriously, Nicole,
I'm happy for you.
590
00:19:06,025 --> 00:19:08,128
In your own very Nicole way,
591
00:19:08,228 --> 00:19:09,395
you were really mature about this.
592
00:19:09,495 --> 00:19:10,996
Ah, thanks.
593
00:19:11,097 --> 00:19:13,300
I'll have a relationship when I'm ready.
594
00:19:13,399 --> 00:19:14,501
Yeah, when?
595
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,102
When I have sampled
all 31 flavors of dick.
596
00:19:17,204 --> 00:19:18,437
Oooh, yes.
597
00:19:18,538 --> 00:19:22,008
Oh, there goes rum raisin.
Yes, Daddy, mm.
598
00:19:22,109 --> 00:19:23,644
How is he a rum raisin?
599
00:19:23,744 --> 00:19:24,744
'Cause he's Puerto Rican,
600
00:19:24,778 --> 00:19:27,147
and he's got all moles on his face.
601
00:19:27,246 --> 00:19:30,490
I'm gonna play connect the dots
with my tongue. Bye.
602
00:19:30,515 --> 00:19:31,515
♪
603
00:19:31,539 --> 00:19:36,539
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