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Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...
2
00:00:02,270 --> 00:00:04,082
Dad,
this is Sheldon's mother, Mary.
3
00:00:04,268 --> 00:00:04,964
How do you do?
4
00:00:04,965 --> 00:00:06,181
Nice to meet you.
5
00:00:06,183 --> 00:00:07,215
And, of course, Mom.
6
00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:09,384
Hello, my hateful shrew.
7
00:00:09,386 --> 00:00:12,971
Hello to you,
you wrinkled old bastard.
8
00:00:12,973 --> 00:00:15,140
(laptop chimes)
9
00:00:15,142 --> 00:00:16,307
Hey.
10
00:00:16,309 --> 00:00:19,110
Just got an e-mail
from the U.S. Air Force.
11
00:00:19,112 --> 00:00:23,198
I'm just afraid if I respond,
then they'll know I got it.
12
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,700
Dude, the minute you opened that
e-mail, they knew you got it.
13
00:00:25,702 --> 00:00:26,618
I mean, they're probably
looking at you
14
00:00:26,620 --> 00:00:29,571
through the camera
right now.
15
00:00:29,573 --> 00:00:31,322
Oh, God.
16
00:00:31,324 --> 00:00:33,541
I think someone's
following us.
17
00:00:34,911 --> 00:00:37,212
Uh, turn left here
and see if he turns with us.
18
00:00:37,214 --> 00:00:39,247
Why is he turning here?
The restaurant's the other way.
19
00:00:39,249 --> 00:00:41,416
I don't know.
He uses that traffic app.
20
00:00:41,418 --> 00:00:42,750
Maybe there's an accident.
21
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Oh, so follow him.
22
00:00:44,337 --> 00:00:47,222
Oh, no!
23
00:00:48,058 --> 00:00:49,140
Leonard, if you don't mind,
24
00:00:49,142 --> 00:00:50,391
I think I'm a little tired.
25
00:00:50,393 --> 00:00:51,476
I'm gonna call it a night.
26
00:00:51,478 --> 00:00:52,677
Sure, Dad.
27
00:00:52,679 --> 00:00:54,429
I'm a little
tuckered out myself.
28
00:00:54,431 --> 00:00:57,649
Well, I will see you
all in the morning.
29
00:00:57,651 --> 00:00:59,100
Would you like to share a cab?
30
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,185
That would be fine.
31
00:01:00,187 --> 00:01:01,936
Where are you staying?
I'm at the Westin.
32
00:01:01,938 --> 00:01:03,021
Well, so am I.
33
00:01:03,023 --> 00:01:04,405
Could I interest
you in a nightcap?
34
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I think that you could.
35
00:01:10,947 --> 00:01:14,282
SHELDON:
Leonard?
36
00:01:14,284 --> 00:01:16,618
Leonard?
37
00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:17,835
What?
38
00:01:17,837 --> 00:01:21,172
You realize you and I
could become brothers.
39
00:01:22,042 --> 00:01:23,958
We're not gonna be brothers.
40
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,426
We're not gonna be step brothers.
41
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Go to sleep.
42
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:28,963
I hope you're right.
43
00:01:28,965 --> 00:01:30,798
'Cause a grown man
living with his brother
44
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,052
and his brother's wife is weird.
45
00:01:34,054 --> 00:01:36,387
Go to sleep.
46
00:01:36,389 --> 00:01:38,556
Okay.
47
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Do you think your father's
doing unspeakable things
48
00:01:43,230 --> 00:01:45,980
to my mother?
49
00:01:45,982 --> 00:01:47,148
No.
50
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,483
Are you saying that
51
00:01:48,485 --> 00:01:50,702
because the things
are unspeakable?
52
00:01:50,704 --> 00:01:51,903
Your parents are old.
53
00:01:51,905 --> 00:01:53,905
Anything unspeakable
was finished by 9:30.
54
00:01:53,907 --> 00:01:55,123
Go to sleep.
55
00:01:55,959 --> 00:01:58,159
Very well.
56
00:01:59,996 --> 00:02:03,715
I'm sorry if this stuff is gonna
make the ceremony awkward.
57
00:02:03,717 --> 00:02:05,466
God, I thought my brother
fresh out of jail
58
00:02:05,468 --> 00:02:07,228
was gonna make everyone
uncomfortable, but now this...
59
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:07,920
Hey, if you want me to sleep
60
00:02:07,921 --> 00:02:10,722
you're gonna
have to stop talking.
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00:02:10,724 --> 00:02:14,092
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
62
00:02:14,094 --> 00:02:17,762
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
63
00:02:17,764 --> 00:02:19,297
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
64
00:02:19,299 --> 00:02:21,899
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
65
00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:24,469
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
66
00:02:24,471 --> 00:02:27,238
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
67
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,107
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
68
00:02:29,109 --> 00:02:30,775
♪ Bang! ♪
69
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♪ The Big Bang Theory 10x01 ♪
The Conjugal Conjecture
Original Air Date
70
00:02:34,801 --> 00:02:39,501
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
71
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Okay, I'm gonna go pick up
my family.
72
00:02:41,277 --> 00:02:43,694
Like an hour and half,
two hours, depending on traffic.
73
00:02:43,696 --> 00:02:44,862
Yeah, drive safe.
Oh, hey,
74
00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:46,130
and do yourself a favor,
all right?
75
00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:49,266
When Beverly gets here,
do not bring up last night.
76
00:02:49,268 --> 00:02:50,367
All right?
As far as you're concerned,
77
00:02:50,369 --> 00:02:52,569
you don't know anything,
78
00:02:52,571 --> 00:02:53,587
you didn't see anything.
79
00:02:53,589 --> 00:02:58,042
I want you just to play dumb.
80
00:02:58,044 --> 00:03:01,095
It was nice of her to show us
playing dumb with an example.
81
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,513
What?
82
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:04,214
Oh.
83
00:03:04,216 --> 00:03:06,383
Hi. Okay, hey there, I got--
I'm sorry, I got to go now.
84
00:03:06,385 --> 00:03:09,303
Penny, wait.
Why?
85
00:03:09,305 --> 00:03:12,189
I wanted to thank you for
going through all the trouble
86
00:03:12,191 --> 00:03:15,442
of planning a second wedding
ceremony for me,
87
00:03:15,444 --> 00:03:17,611
but unfortunately
I cannot attend.
88
00:03:17,613 --> 00:03:19,730
Well, why?
What's wrong?
89
00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:21,365
Wha-- are we still doing
the dumb thing?
90
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,450
Okay, why, what's wrong?
91
00:03:23,452 --> 00:03:25,619
I just cannot stay here
while your father
92
00:03:25,621 --> 00:03:27,821
goes out of his way
to humiliate me.
93
00:03:27,823 --> 00:03:30,958
Oh, golly, however
did he humiliate you?
94
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,576
Stop it, Sheldon.
95
00:03:32,578 --> 00:03:36,080
Do I say "Stop what?"
or just throw in the towel?
96
00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,298
I don't see why I should
have to watch your father
97
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:41,502
parade around with some
Bible-thumping bumpkin.
98
00:03:41,504 --> 00:03:43,887
Oh, excuse me, that is my mother
you're talking about,
99
00:03:43,889 --> 00:03:46,090
however accurately.
100
00:03:46,092 --> 00:03:47,591
PENNY:
Okay, Beverly,
101
00:03:47,593 --> 00:03:48,759
aren't you overreacting
a little?
102
00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:50,928
All we know is they shared
a cab and had a nightcap.
103
00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:52,146
And turned their phones off.
104
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:55,432
Not helping, buddy.
105
00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:57,901
Mother, Penny and I really want
you to be part of this.
106
00:03:57,903 --> 00:03:59,019
Please stay.
107
00:03:59,021 --> 00:03:59,987
Yeah, plus if you leave,
108
00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:01,939
Alfred will know
he got under your skin.
109
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,444
Well, we can't have that.
110
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,330
You know, also,
if they did have coitus,
111
00:04:10,332 --> 00:04:12,533
we'll all be needing
a skilled psychiatrist.
112
00:04:15,838 --> 00:04:18,288
It is funny
when you think about it.
113
00:04:18,290 --> 00:04:19,339
Maybe to you.
114
00:04:19,341 --> 00:04:21,508
You didn't get
a $500 traffic ticket.
115
00:04:21,510 --> 00:04:24,845
Because you were driving
like a lunatic.
116
00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:26,630
Hey, if thinking
secret government agents
117
00:04:26,632 --> 00:04:30,801
are chasing you makes you
a lunatic, then... yeah, okay.
118
00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:32,886
(doorbell rings)
119
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Oh, I'll get it.
120
00:04:35,941 --> 00:04:37,641
It didn't help that you couldn't
walk a straight line
121
00:04:37,643 --> 00:04:39,810
when the cop pulled you over.
122
00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:43,480
I have performance anxiety.
123
00:04:44,567 --> 00:04:47,568
You of all people
should know that.
124
00:04:57,329 --> 00:04:59,496
(voice cracking):
Hello.
125
00:04:59,498 --> 00:05:01,248
I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.
126
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:05,335
Howard Wolowitz?
127
00:05:05,337 --> 00:05:07,554
I have the right address,
don't I?
128
00:05:07,556 --> 00:05:10,340
Address?
129
00:05:10,342 --> 00:05:11,975
Is he here?
130
00:05:11,977 --> 00:05:15,679
Um... no.
131
00:05:15,681 --> 00:05:17,731
Do you know where
I can find him?
132
00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:20,067
May I ask what this is about?
133
00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:21,518
No, you may not.
134
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,903
Very well.
135
00:05:27,326 --> 00:05:29,193
Have him call me.
136
00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:30,410
Okay.
137
00:05:30,412 --> 00:05:32,696
WOLOWITZ:
Raj, who's at the door?
138
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,366
(chuckles)
139
00:05:36,368 --> 00:05:39,369
That's not him.
140
00:05:40,539 --> 00:05:42,923
Oh, I can't wait for
you to meet everyone.
141
00:05:42,925 --> 00:05:44,708
I told them all about you.
142
00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:46,210
Like what?
143
00:05:46,212 --> 00:05:47,544
Do they know about your brother?
144
00:05:47,546 --> 00:05:51,465
Uh, not everything, just,
like, the jail and drugs part.
145
00:05:51,467 --> 00:05:53,517
Why would you do that?
146
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:54,885
What?
The world doesn't need
147
00:05:54,887 --> 00:05:56,220
to know our problems.
148
00:05:56,222 --> 00:05:57,221
Well, Mom, I'm sorry, but...
149
00:05:57,223 --> 00:05:59,940
Hey, look, they got
Walgreens here, too.
150
00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:04,111
You really think it's helpful
to change the subject, Wyatt?
151
00:06:04,113 --> 00:06:06,396
Just trying to make this
a happy trip, dear.
152
00:06:06,398 --> 00:06:08,232
Well, quit it!
153
00:06:09,318 --> 00:06:10,367
(clears throat)
154
00:06:10,369 --> 00:06:12,569
So, uh, Randall,
can't believe
155
00:06:12,571 --> 00:06:14,037
after all these years
you finally get to visit me
156
00:06:14,039 --> 00:06:15,372
in California.
157
00:06:15,374 --> 00:06:17,291
Well, good thing I was
a nonviolent offender,
158
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,326
otherwise I couldn't
have left the state.
159
00:06:19,328 --> 00:06:23,247
All right,
that's enough jail talk.
160
00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:26,300
Penny knows where I was;
she sent me cigarettes.
161
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:29,002
You sent
your brother cigarettes?
162
00:06:29,004 --> 00:06:30,754
He was cooking and selling
crystal meth, Susan,
163
00:06:30,756 --> 00:06:33,924
I think we can
let the cigarettes slide.
164
00:06:33,926 --> 00:06:35,676
Stop trying to be
the cool dad;
165
00:06:35,678 --> 00:06:39,513
you have a shirt
with our cat's picture on it.
166
00:06:39,515 --> 00:06:41,982
Anyway, we're here, slugger.
167
00:06:44,770 --> 00:06:47,654
That's great, now they
know where I live.
168
00:06:47,656 --> 00:06:48,906
What are you talking about?
169
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,440
They've always known
where you live.
170
00:06:50,442 --> 00:06:51,608
Yeah, if you want to go
off the grid,
171
00:06:51,610 --> 00:06:53,330
you have to move out
of your mother's house.
172
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:57,331
Can we take a moment
to discuss
173
00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,499
that I just lied
to the government for you?
174
00:06:59,501 --> 00:07:00,617
Yeah.
175
00:07:00,619 --> 00:07:02,786
I would not have
done that for you.
176
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,757
Howard, please just call
the man, see what he wants.
177
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,675
All right, all right.
178
00:07:08,677 --> 00:07:10,127
Hey,
179
00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:12,179
make sure you tell him that
you weren't home when he came by
180
00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:14,181
and that your Indian friend
gave you the message
181
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,850
the moment
you stepped through the door.
182
00:07:16,852 --> 00:07:20,470
Yes, hello.
(clears throat) Uh,
183
00:07:20,472 --> 00:07:23,557
this is Howard Wolowitz
for Colonel Richard Williams.
184
00:07:23,559 --> 00:07:25,225
Oh, I take it back,
don't mention me.
185
00:07:25,227 --> 00:07:28,312
Hi, Colonel Williams,
how can I help you?
186
00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:31,615
What? Oh, uh, yes,
he is from India.
187
00:07:33,535 --> 00:07:36,653
No, I don't know
his immigration status.
188
00:07:39,491 --> 00:07:42,659
Relax, I'm still on hold!
189
00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:46,246
Speaking.
190
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:50,417
Okay, sure,
I can meet with you on Thursday.
191
00:07:50,419 --> 00:07:52,002
Caltech is fine.
192
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,171
Yeah, and may I ask
what this is about?
193
00:07:54,173 --> 00:07:55,555
(chuckles)
194
00:07:55,557 --> 00:07:57,507
I may not?
195
00:07:57,509 --> 00:08:00,510
That's what he said to me.
196
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:02,763
Here you are, Mother.
197
00:08:02,765 --> 00:08:04,398
Thank you.
198
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,066
I'm glad you decided to stay.
199
00:08:06,068 --> 00:08:09,519
It's gonna be special for Penny
and me to share this with you.
200
00:08:09,521 --> 00:08:13,240
I can't wait
for this day to be over.
201
00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:16,443
Yeah, special, like that.
202
00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:19,863
(knocking on door)
That's them.
203
00:08:19,865 --> 00:08:20,864
Please don't make things
204
00:08:20,866 --> 00:08:22,833
any more awkward
than they already are.
205
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:26,920
All right, so less
or equally awkward, got it.
206
00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:29,506
Hey, guys, come on in.
207
00:08:29,508 --> 00:08:31,174
Oh, thank you.
Good morning.
208
00:08:31,176 --> 00:08:32,092
Morning.
Hello.
209
00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:34,094
How is everyone today?
210
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:35,095
Good, and you?
211
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:37,180
Good, good.
Good.
212
00:08:37,182 --> 00:08:38,548
I'm good, too.
213
00:08:38,550 --> 00:08:40,434
Good.
214
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,439
So, did you defile
my mother or not?
215
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:48,942
Sheldon!
216
00:08:48,944 --> 00:08:51,028
You're being rude.
217
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,446
If I may, I can assure you,
218
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,897
your mother and I
did nothing more
219
00:08:53,899 --> 00:08:56,116
than share a cab
and a conversation.
220
00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:58,285
Did that conversation
include the phrase
221
00:08:58,287 --> 00:09:00,454
"your genitals
are a joy to behold"?
222
00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:02,656
That's enough!
223
00:09:02,658 --> 00:09:07,627
Look, I promise you, neither I,
nor anyone, has ever said that.
224
00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:12,299
You don't know his girlfriend
very well.
225
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:15,419
Or what a joy it is
to behold my genitals.
226
00:09:17,589 --> 00:09:20,090
All right, you guys, uh,
get settled in,
227
00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:22,342
then we'll go across the hall
and say hi to everyone.
228
00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:24,811
You know, It's hard to believe
I've never met Leonard.
229
00:09:24,813 --> 00:09:27,097
Well, he probably buys
his illegal drugs
230
00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:28,265
from a local vendor.
231
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,683
(chuckles)
232
00:09:29,685 --> 00:09:31,234
Not funny, Wyatt.
233
00:09:31,236 --> 00:09:33,770
I thought it was really funny.
Thanks.
234
00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:37,157
Well, fine, if everyone wants to
make jokes about our problems,
235
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:38,108
then I can, too.
236
00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:40,444
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
237
00:09:40,446 --> 00:09:43,163
Our family is an embarrassment.
238
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,092
That's not much of a joke.
239
00:09:45,093 --> 00:09:45,747
PENNY: Okay.
240
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,118
Listen, Mom, I know you're
nervous, but I promise you,
241
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,454
no one is gonna judge you
or this family.
242
00:09:50,456 --> 00:09:51,955
Oh, I'm sorry.
243
00:09:51,957 --> 00:09:53,290
It's just we're meeting
Leonard's parents
244
00:09:53,292 --> 00:09:54,624
for the first time,
245
00:09:54,626 --> 00:09:57,794
and-and they're academics
and-and intellectuals,
246
00:09:57,796 --> 00:10:00,180
and I don't want them thinking
we're white trash.
247
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:04,601
Well, what color trash
do you think they'll believe?
248
00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:08,972
How could you think
that I would spend the night
249
00:10:08,974 --> 00:10:10,390
with a man I just met?
250
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:13,810
A man named Jesus convinced you
to build a church in Africa.
251
00:10:13,812 --> 00:10:16,146
You're kind of a sucker.
252
00:10:16,148 --> 00:10:19,483
Well, nothing happened, right?
253
00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:20,367
I-It's over.
254
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:21,651
Until we get married
a third time,
255
00:10:21,653 --> 00:10:24,571
you guys will never have
to see each other again.
256
00:10:24,573 --> 00:10:26,456
Well, you know, actually
that's not the case.
257
00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:28,742
Mary may visit me in New York.
MARY: Mm-hmm.
258
00:10:28,744 --> 00:10:30,911
And he's never been to Texas.
259
00:10:30,913 --> 00:10:32,212
Maybe we meet halfway.
260
00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:36,917
What? In the Chattahoochee
National Forest in Georgia?
261
00:10:36,919 --> 00:10:41,888
I can't be the only one
that knows that's halfway.
262
00:10:41,890 --> 00:10:44,098
You're not seriously going
to visit each other.
263
00:10:44,122 --> 00:10:45,143
And why wouldn't we?
264
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:47,231
Oh please, you're just saying
this to antagonize me.
265
00:10:47,524 --> 00:10:50,347
Oh, not at all. Mary happens
to be a wonderful woman.
266
00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:52,649
And if it antagonizes you,
that's just a bonus.
267
00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:57,070
Mary, I'm sorry you're
in the middle of this.
268
00:10:57,072 --> 00:10:59,105
No, no, nothing to be
sorry about.
269
00:10:59,107 --> 00:11:01,358
I genuinely like your father.
270
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,110
What? But he's a
mediocre academic.
271
00:11:04,112 --> 00:11:07,697
And according to Beverly,
his sexual prowess is subpar.
272
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:12,118
He's basically Leonard
with a bigger prostate.
273
00:11:14,506 --> 00:11:17,724
Are you saying that my dad's
not good enough for your mom?
274
00:11:17,726 --> 00:11:20,043
Yes, while also getting in
a solid dig at you.
275
00:11:20,045 --> 00:11:21,628
Pretty efficient, huh?
276
00:11:22,881 --> 00:11:25,715
(stammers) This is ridiculous.
I-I'm going across the hall.
277
00:11:25,717 --> 00:11:27,634
But why should you get to go
and leave me here
278
00:11:27,636 --> 00:11:28,635
with your bickering parents?
279
00:11:28,637 --> 00:11:29,886
Fine, then you go!
280
00:11:29,888 --> 00:11:32,022
Well, I don't want to stay
here with her. I'll go.
281
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:32,939
I'll go with you.
282
00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:34,191
That still leaves me
here with him.
283
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:35,725
Hang on, hang on!
284
00:11:35,727 --> 00:11:37,227
We're smart, we can
figure this out.
285
00:11:37,229 --> 00:11:40,697
Okay, so: Mary and Beverly
can't be together.
286
00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:43,867
Uh, Alfred and Beverly
can't be together.
287
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,369
Leonard and I can't be together.
288
00:11:46,371 --> 00:11:49,122
Now, I could be with Alfred...
289
00:11:49,124 --> 00:11:50,740
but I don't like his face.
290
00:11:52,327 --> 00:11:53,743
Oh, here! I've got it!
291
00:11:53,745 --> 00:11:55,412
Who's ready for a wedding?
292
00:11:55,414 --> 00:11:57,747
Great, now I have
to start all over.
293
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,125
So how's the world
of pharmaceuticals treating you?
294
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:09,793
Pretty good. I actually
just got assigned
295
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:11,178
a much better territory.
296
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:13,797
See what happens
when you work hard?
297
00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:17,184
Hey, she just sells drugs.
I had to make 'em.
298
00:12:18,103 --> 00:12:19,636
Okay, that's enough.
299
00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:22,389
No more drug talk
for the rest of this trip.
300
00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:24,808
I'll drink to that.
301
00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:25,726
Haven't you had enough?
302
00:12:25,728 --> 00:12:27,394
Penny drinks
more than I do.
303
00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:29,863
Well, I learned
from the best.
304
00:12:29,865 --> 00:12:31,698
Aw!
Aw!
305
00:12:32,735 --> 00:12:34,067
Very nice, Wyatt.
306
00:12:34,069 --> 00:12:36,703
And you wonder why this one
turned out the way he did.
307
00:12:36,705 --> 00:12:39,039
You see what I've gotta
put up with!
308
00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:41,041
What you've gotta put up with?
309
00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:42,743
Why did you have
to go to jail?
310
00:12:42,745 --> 00:12:45,963
It's called getting
caught, Mother!
311
00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:47,664
Hello!
312
00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:48,832
Hey, there he is!
Hey!
313
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,752
Oh, Leonard! It's so
nice to see you again!
314
00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:52,836
Oh, you, too!
315
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:55,305
Hey, everyone, this is
my mother, Beverly.
316
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:56,423
Hello.
SUSAN: Hi.
317
00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:59,643
We are not white trash!
318
00:13:03,899 --> 00:13:06,316
Are you excited to see your son
walk down the aisle?
319
00:13:06,318 --> 00:13:07,434
Yes, I am.
320
00:13:07,436 --> 00:13:08,652
I'm just feeling
a little guilty
321
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:10,437
about all the trouble
I've caused.
322
00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:12,105
Oh, so am I.
323
00:13:12,107 --> 00:13:15,609
You made God sad today, Mom.
324
00:13:22,585 --> 00:13:24,251
Sheldon, they haven't done
anything wrong.
325
00:13:24,253 --> 00:13:26,787
I think it's nice
they're hitting it off.
326
00:13:26,789 --> 00:13:28,455
Well, that's still no reason
to rush into anything.
327
00:13:28,457 --> 00:13:29,539
(stammers) Look at us.
328
00:13:29,541 --> 00:13:31,258
We took things
remarkably slow.
329
00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:34,094
You and I, we didn't even
hold hands for two years.
330
00:13:35,264 --> 00:13:38,298
It was a lot hotter
than it sounds.
331
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:39,600
You're a patient
young lady.
332
00:13:39,602 --> 00:13:40,634
Hey, hey!
333
00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:42,803
She's mine! Take a cold shower,
grandpa!
334
00:13:46,942 --> 00:13:49,192
Why wouldn't that colonel say
what the meeting's about?
335
00:13:49,194 --> 00:13:50,727
It has to be bad news.
336
00:13:50,729 --> 00:13:52,980
Calm down, okay?
Try not to think about it.
337
00:13:52,982 --> 00:13:55,532
That's really stupid advice.
338
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:57,367
You know that hurts
my feelings.
339
00:13:58,203 --> 00:14:00,537
Calm down, try not
to think about it.
340
00:14:01,573 --> 00:14:03,123
Okay.
341
00:14:04,710 --> 00:14:06,326
Why do I bother
talking to you?
342
00:14:06,328 --> 00:14:08,996
Oh, come on. What's the worst
that could come of this meeting?
343
00:14:08,998 --> 00:14:11,131
I don't know. They take
the invention away,
344
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:12,299
and I get nothing?
345
00:14:12,301 --> 00:14:14,334
Okay, that's not so bad.
346
00:14:14,336 --> 00:14:15,585
You know what happened
to the scientists
347
00:14:15,587 --> 00:14:17,170
that worked
on the Manhattan Project?
348
00:14:17,172 --> 00:14:19,339
The government forced them
to move to the desert.
349
00:14:19,341 --> 00:14:22,509
They had to live in secret,
and when Oppenheimer objected
350
00:14:22,511 --> 00:14:23,677
to what they made him do,
351
00:14:23,679 --> 00:14:25,679
they destroyed his reputation.
352
00:14:26,765 --> 00:14:29,900
What's the point of that story?
353
00:14:31,186 --> 00:14:32,686
I just read a book
about Oppenheimer,
354
00:14:32,688 --> 00:14:35,989
seemed like a chance
to show off.
355
00:14:36,859 --> 00:14:38,358
(laughs)
356
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,243
There he is!
357
00:14:40,245 --> 00:14:42,412
There's my happy
Hebraic homeboy.
358
00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:43,914
Yeah, that's the smile
I'm gonna remember
359
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:48,368
when you're living in the desert
and I'm living with your wife.
360
00:14:52,257 --> 00:14:54,257
So, what do you do for a living?
361
00:14:55,044 --> 00:14:57,210
Mommy, you want
to take this one?
362
00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:00,547
Um, Randall's
in between jobs.
363
00:15:00,549 --> 00:15:03,350
(whispering):
And court appearances.
364
00:15:04,219 --> 00:15:05,218
It's nice to meet the woman
365
00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:07,437
who raised this fine young man.
366
00:15:07,439 --> 00:15:09,189
I'm looking forward
to meeting his father.
367
00:15:09,191 --> 00:15:11,641
Prepare to be disappointed.
368
00:15:12,528 --> 00:15:13,694
And he can't wait
to meet you, too.
369
00:15:13,696 --> 00:15:15,062
Can I get anyone a drink?
370
00:15:15,064 --> 00:15:16,480
Well, I could use
another beer. (laughs)
371
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:17,564
You're done.
372
00:15:19,868 --> 00:15:21,151
He's done.
373
00:15:22,654 --> 00:15:25,288
Hey! Is everyone getting
to know each other?
374
00:15:25,290 --> 00:15:26,823
Not at all!
375
00:15:29,411 --> 00:15:32,245
(harp music playing)
376
00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:39,586
Nice to see you again,
Dr. Hofstadter.
377
00:15:39,588 --> 00:15:41,421
I'm, uh, Leonard's friend,
Stuart.
378
00:15:41,423 --> 00:15:43,757
Nice to see you, too.
379
00:15:43,759 --> 00:15:44,975
Hi, I'm Stuart.
380
00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:47,644
Ooh, I'm Alfred.
Leonard's father.
381
00:15:47,646 --> 00:15:51,264
Oh! Oh, hi. Uh, I'm sorry, did
you two want to sit together?
382
00:15:51,266 --> 00:15:53,233
No.
No.
383
00:15:54,436 --> 00:15:59,272
I was wondering why the
front row was available.
384
00:15:59,274 --> 00:16:01,441
Okay, I think
we're ready.
385
00:16:02,411 --> 00:16:04,945
(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"
plays on harp)
386
00:16:09,284 --> 00:16:11,501
Why do people
cry at weddings?
387
00:16:11,503 --> 00:16:14,671
They're practicing for
what's coming later.
388
00:16:19,294 --> 00:16:22,212
Thank you for cleaning yourself
up for your sister's wedding.
389
00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:25,549
Thank you for my new teeth.
390
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:31,221
Welcome to the family,
Leonard.
391
00:16:31,223 --> 00:16:33,440
Don't lend your new
brother-in-law money.
392
00:16:38,981 --> 00:16:41,398
We're here today
to celebrate love.
393
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,617
(sighs loudly)
394
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,820
Sigh louder,
no one heard you.
395
00:16:48,824 --> 00:16:50,657
Really, I can move.
396
00:16:51,994 --> 00:16:53,877
Not just Leonard and
Penny's love, but the love
397
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:56,163
we have for them,
as well as each other.
398
00:16:56,165 --> 00:17:00,500
Speaking of love, STDs among
the elderly are skyrocketing.
399
00:17:03,338 --> 00:17:05,505
Love is patient,
but it's not gonna put up
400
00:17:05,507 --> 00:17:08,175
with all the side chatter,
so let's knock it off!
401
00:17:09,845 --> 00:17:12,095
At least she's yelling at
someone else for a change.
402
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:14,314
BERNADETTE:
Howard!
403
00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:19,903
Okay, I understand everyone's
a little tense today,
404
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:22,405
so I am just gonna get
to the important stuff.
405
00:17:22,407 --> 00:17:25,742
Leonard, standing here
with you in front
406
00:17:25,744 --> 00:17:29,663
of our family and friends is
bringing up a lot of feelings.
407
00:17:30,699 --> 00:17:33,750
Like what a good idea it was
to elope the first time.
408
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:39,122
But also how incredibly
happy you make me.
409
00:17:40,459 --> 00:17:42,209
Thank you for marrying me.
410
00:17:42,211 --> 00:17:44,044
Hopefully for the last time.
411
00:17:47,015 --> 00:17:48,765
Penny...
412
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:52,435
as a scientist, my job is to
figure out why things happen.
413
00:17:52,437 --> 00:17:55,639
But I don't think
I'll ever understand
414
00:17:55,641 --> 00:18:00,143
how someone like me could get
to be with someone like you.
415
00:18:01,230 --> 00:18:04,231
You know... maybe... I don't
need to understand it,
416
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:05,315
I just need to be grateful.
417
00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:06,483
I love you, Penny.
418
00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:08,285
PENNY:
Oh...
419
00:18:09,905 --> 00:18:12,873
Anybody have anything snarky
to say about that?
420
00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:16,960
Didn't think so.
421
00:18:17,913 --> 00:18:19,546
I'd like to say something.
422
00:18:19,548 --> 00:18:20,747
(clears throat)
423
00:18:20,749 --> 00:18:23,383
Beverly, I know that
we don't bring out
424
00:18:23,385 --> 00:18:24,751
the best in each other.
425
00:18:24,753 --> 00:18:28,922
But something wonderful did
come from our relationship:
426
00:18:28,924 --> 00:18:30,223
that young man right there.
427
00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:33,093
I couldn't agree more.
428
00:18:35,397 --> 00:18:37,681
(quietly):
That's beautiful.
429
00:18:39,735 --> 00:18:42,852
Thank you.
All right, let's continue.
430
00:18:42,854 --> 00:18:45,772
Yeah, excuse me,
I need to say something
431
00:18:45,774 --> 00:18:48,775
to someone pretty special,
and...
432
00:18:48,777 --> 00:18:50,911
I just can't wait any longer.
433
00:18:50,913 --> 00:18:52,612
It's happening.
434
00:18:52,614 --> 00:18:54,581
Leonard...
435
00:18:58,287 --> 00:19:00,787
You and I have
our ups and downs.
436
00:19:00,789 --> 00:19:04,174
But I have always considered
you my family.
437
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:08,094
Even before the recent threat
of our parents fornicating
438
00:19:08,096 --> 00:19:09,930
like wrinkly old rabbits.
439
00:19:14,603 --> 00:19:18,888
I don't always show it, but you
are of great importance to me.
440
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,891
Both of you.
441
00:19:21,893 --> 00:19:23,476
Oh...
442
00:19:23,478 --> 00:19:25,028
Thank you.
443
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:26,529
Okay.
444
00:19:26,531 --> 00:19:30,951
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
445
00:19:30,953 --> 00:19:33,453
And weird other husband who came
with the apartment.
446
00:19:34,323 --> 00:19:36,489
(Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"
playing)
447
00:19:45,232 --> 00:19:47,482
Thank you for taking us
to the airport.
448
00:19:47,484 --> 00:19:50,419
Hey, I'm just thrilled we're all
getting along for a minute.
449
00:19:50,421 --> 00:19:51,553
Yeah, me, too.
450
00:19:51,555 --> 00:19:54,206
Beverly, I'm sorry
if I upset you.
451
00:19:54,208 --> 00:19:55,857
Water under the bridge, Alfred.
452
00:19:57,194 --> 00:19:59,361
Leonard, why don't you get
into the carpool lane?
453
00:19:59,363 --> 00:20:01,279
Well, that's a solid line.
He can't cross it.
454
00:20:01,281 --> 00:20:02,614
That's okay.
I can make it over.
455
00:20:02,616 --> 00:20:03,999
No, no, let's plod along.
456
00:20:04,001 --> 00:20:06,284
It'll make your father feel
more comfortable.
457
00:20:07,838 --> 00:20:09,788
What makes me comfortable
is knowing I don't have to
458
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:12,403
wake up tomorrow morning
and see your sour face.
459
00:20:14,436 --> 00:20:16,676
Do the world a favor, and
don't wake up tomorrow morning.
460
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:21,992
That was almost a minute.
461
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,166
There's a lot of traffic.
Are we gonna be okay?
462
00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:29,189
You'll be at the airport
an hour before your flight.
463
00:20:29,213 --> 00:20:30,051
Good.
Thank you.
464
00:20:30,075 --> 00:20:33,333
Plenty of time for you to meet
another geriatric boy toy.
465
00:20:35,679 --> 00:20:36,665
Hey.
466
00:20:36,689 --> 00:20:38,811
I will not have you
be disrespectful to me.
467
00:20:38,835 --> 00:20:39,903
Yes ma'am.
468
00:20:40,331 --> 00:20:42,091
Sheldon, you're mother's
an attractive woman.
469
00:20:42,294 --> 00:20:43,591
You need to get used to the fact
470
00:20:43,666 --> 00:20:45,318
that men are going
to be interest in her.
471
00:20:45,342 --> 00:20:47,970
Well.. and you need to drive
the car and mind your business.
472
00:20:49,453 --> 00:20:51,591
I will not have you
be disrespectful to me.
473
00:20:51,615 --> 00:20:52,645
What-- you're not
my mother.
474
00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:54,247
Don't you be disrespectful
to her.
475
00:20:54,271 --> 00:20:55,271
Yes ma'am.
476
00:20:56,904 --> 00:20:57,787
You'll get there.
477
00:20:57,811 --> 00:20:59,954
You've just gotta put
some zing on it.
478
00:21:04,073 --> 00:21:06,389
Penny, I don't know what
I was worried about.
479
00:21:06,615 --> 00:21:08,061
You're friends are
just lovely.
480
00:21:08,085 --> 00:21:09,632
Oh, thanks, Mom.
481
00:21:09,803 --> 00:21:12,391
Although that Sheldon
is a bit peculiar.
482
00:21:14,145 --> 00:21:16,276
Is he?
I never noticed.
483
00:21:17,431 --> 00:21:19,505
He reminds me
of that turkey we had
484
00:21:19,507 --> 00:21:21,566
who drowned looking up
at the rain.
485
00:21:21,568 --> 00:21:24,674
(laughter)
486
00:21:24,677 --> 00:21:26,821
Cops, cops, be cool!
487
00:21:28,609 --> 00:21:35,109
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man