1 00:00:00,391 --> 00:00:02,924 Would your friend Alyssa like this bedazzled bong? 2 00:00:02,926 --> 00:00:03,925 For a bridal shower? 3 00:00:03,927 --> 00:00:04,570 Yeah. 4 00:00:04,594 --> 00:00:06,131 You were thinking of a bachelorette party. 5 00:00:06,156 --> 00:00:06,812 Yeah, well... 6 00:00:06,828 --> 00:00:08,861 See, this is how it starts. 7 00:00:09,063 --> 00:00:10,997 Alyssa's the first to get engaged. 8 00:00:11,148 --> 00:00:13,114 Now it's nothing but bridal showers and weddings 9 00:00:13,116 --> 00:00:14,171 for the rest of my 20s. 10 00:00:14,188 --> 00:00:16,156 I'm not even close to being in a relationship 11 00:00:16,158 --> 00:00:17,590 let alone one that would lead to a marriage. 12 00:00:17,592 --> 00:00:18,554 So what? 13 00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:19,886 Marriage is the boringest. 14 00:00:19,888 --> 00:00:21,405 You have to wake up next to the same person 15 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,655 for the rest of your life, yech. 16 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:26,482 Do you know how many different ways I woke up this week? 17 00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:29,517 Monday, I woke up next to an investment banker. 18 00:00:29,519 --> 00:00:32,120 Tuesday, I woke up next to our mailwoman. 19 00:00:32,122 --> 00:00:35,056 Tuesday afternoon, I woke up next to our mailman. 20 00:00:35,058 --> 00:00:36,157 You get mail twice a day? 21 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:38,992 Yeah, if they know I'm home, we do. 22 00:00:39,008 --> 00:00:40,808 Girl, this is the era of fluidity. 23 00:00:40,810 --> 00:00:42,945 There are seven billion people on this planet. 24 00:00:42,947 --> 00:00:44,046 No repeats. 25 00:00:44,048 --> 00:00:45,247 Well, you know, statistically, 26 00:00:45,249 --> 00:00:46,982 six billion of those people have STDs. 27 00:00:46,984 --> 00:00:48,850 Ewf, HPV's the new black. 28 00:00:48,852 --> 00:00:50,500 Are you sure we can't just skip this party? 29 00:00:50,525 --> 00:00:52,163 Oh, I can't not go. 30 00:00:52,188 --> 00:00:54,472 I've been friends with Alyssa since, like, forever. 31 00:00:54,497 --> 00:00:56,522 What's that Mama J, how you living? 32 00:00:56,547 --> 00:00:57,813 Heightened and enlightened. 33 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,413 I love seeing you girls in here. 34 00:01:00,438 --> 00:01:01,585 You know what? 35 00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:05,566 I have something very special for my two favorite customers. 36 00:01:06,453 --> 00:01:07,890 Lube. 37 00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:09,740 It has weed in it. 38 00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:11,568 - Ohh... - Oh, you shoulda started with that. 39 00:01:11,570 --> 00:01:15,106 Now this is not your ordinary everyday weed lube. 40 00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:16,572 No. 41 00:01:16,574 --> 00:01:21,110 This legendary lube is made from a rare Egyptian plant. 42 00:01:21,304 --> 00:01:24,115 And it gives you a high that is so amazing, 43 00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:26,186 you are able to connect with your inner self. 44 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:27,679 Mm-hmm. 45 00:01:27,681 --> 00:01:32,773 Powerful women from Cleopatra to Coco Chanel to Amy Poehler 46 00:01:32,781 --> 00:01:34,881 have used its effects to guide them. 47 00:01:34,883 --> 00:01:37,183 Wow, I've heard of one of those women. 48 00:01:37,185 --> 00:01:38,419 Mm-hmm. 49 00:01:38,421 --> 00:01:41,321 Uh... it comes with two warnings. 50 00:01:41,323 --> 00:01:43,389 Important warnings. 51 00:01:43,391 --> 00:01:44,521 One: 52 00:01:45,126 --> 00:01:48,195 Only use a tiny drop. 53 00:01:48,197 --> 00:01:49,830 And two: 54 00:01:49,832 --> 00:01:52,363 Don't feed it after midnight. 55 00:01:54,368 --> 00:01:57,404 Okay, three warnings, got it. 56 00:01:57,406 --> 00:01:59,509 ♪♪ 57 00:02:04,695 --> 00:02:06,694 Hey, hi! 58 00:02:06,696 --> 00:02:09,130 I'm so glad to see you! 59 00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:10,099 Congratulations. 60 00:02:10,101 --> 00:02:12,267 - Oh, thank you, hey, Jordan. - Hi. 61 00:02:12,269 --> 00:02:14,069 Oh, this whole bride thing is exhausting. 62 00:02:14,071 --> 00:02:16,004 Everyone is so happy for me 63 00:02:16,006 --> 00:02:17,674 and toasting me and giving me presents. 64 00:02:17,676 --> 00:02:20,210 I mean, the thank you notes, eh! 65 00:02:20,212 --> 00:02:21,478 How are you? 66 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:22,645 Are you dating anyone? 67 00:02:22,647 --> 00:02:23,680 Well... 68 00:02:23,682 --> 00:02:25,581 I can't imagine what it's like out there. 69 00:02:25,583 --> 00:02:28,250 It seems impossible to meet someone. 70 00:02:28,252 --> 00:02:32,153 Listen, I'm trying really hard to find enough single guests 71 00:02:32,155 --> 00:02:33,422 to make a table at my wedding. 72 00:02:33,424 --> 00:02:36,958 But if I can't, are you okay sitting at the kids' table? 73 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,730 I mean, it's just that no one else is single. 74 00:02:40,732 --> 00:02:41,914 Yeah! 75 00:02:42,733 --> 00:02:45,301 Oh, the caterers put the strawberry brownie kebabs 76 00:02:45,303 --> 00:02:46,710 in the wrong order. 77 00:02:47,371 --> 00:02:50,797 It's brownie, then strawberry, then brownie! 78 00:02:52,052 --> 00:02:53,031 I mean... 79 00:02:54,646 --> 00:02:57,445 She is awful! 80 00:02:57,447 --> 00:02:59,615 If you call her a friend and you call me a friend, 81 00:02:59,617 --> 00:03:02,016 I want a new title... Captain. 82 00:03:02,018 --> 00:03:03,986 Well, there's no way I'm gonna make it through this party. 83 00:03:03,988 --> 00:03:05,288 (whispering) How much weed do you have? 84 00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:06,688 Ah, dammit. 85 00:03:06,690 --> 00:03:08,690 Literally, the first time you've ever asked to get high 86 00:03:08,692 --> 00:03:11,260 without it being my idea and I'm not holding. 87 00:03:11,262 --> 00:03:13,428 Your captain has failed you. 88 00:03:13,430 --> 00:03:16,032 You can demote me back to friend. 89 00:03:16,034 --> 00:03:19,076 Oh, wait, I forgot about our special guest. 90 00:03:19,352 --> 00:03:20,825 Desperate times. 91 00:03:27,906 --> 00:03:30,105 I don't feel anything! 92 00:03:30,107 --> 00:03:33,008 Me neither, we need more. 93 00:03:33,010 --> 00:03:35,043 Mama J said just a drop. 94 00:03:35,045 --> 00:03:36,812 Yeah, but that is for normal people, Paige. 95 00:03:36,814 --> 00:03:39,316 We are professional drug dealers, we need way more. 96 00:03:39,318 --> 00:03:41,180 Well, don't use all of it. 97 00:03:53,654 --> 00:03:56,887 Ooh, I feel like that weed lube's starting to kick in. 98 00:03:57,092 --> 00:03:59,159 Oh, my God, I'm so high. 99 00:03:59,161 --> 00:04:01,261 Paige, Paige? 100 00:04:01,263 --> 00:04:02,929 What did you do to me? 101 00:04:02,931 --> 00:04:05,332 Paige, can you overdose on weed lube? 102 00:04:05,482 --> 00:04:08,119 Paige! Are you there? 103 00:04:10,406 --> 00:04:12,246 Jordan, I don't mean to sound 104 00:04:12,271 --> 00:04:13,841 full-on "Bananas in Pyjamas" here, 105 00:04:13,843 --> 00:04:16,324 but I think I just got so high that I can hear my... 106 00:04:16,349 --> 00:04:17,310 Vagina? 107 00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:18,641 Me too. 108 00:04:18,643 --> 00:04:20,275 Isn't it awesome? 109 00:04:20,277 --> 00:04:22,078 I can't believe we finally get to talk. 110 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,980 Me and my OTP living the dream. 111 00:04:24,982 --> 00:04:27,348 There is so much I wanna tell you! 112 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,051 Where do we even start? 113 00:04:29,053 --> 00:04:30,653 - Ahh! - Oh! 114 00:04:30,655 --> 00:04:31,810 (screaming) 115 00:04:31,835 --> 00:04:33,111 Ahh! 116 00:04:33,657 --> 00:04:36,021 (all screaming) 117 00:04:36,046 --> 00:04:37,637 ♪ Say baby what's your name? ♪ 118 00:04:37,662 --> 00:04:40,465 ♪ Are you the one, Mary? Are you Jane? ♪ 119 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:42,365 Synced and corrected by Chitorafa www.addic7ed.com 120 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,232 Jordan, what is going on? 121 00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:45,367 Did you hear Alyssa? 122 00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:46,535 It's impossible to meet someone. 123 00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:47,372 What if she's right? 124 00:04:47,397 --> 00:04:48,563 We should Tinder right now. 125 00:04:48,584 --> 00:04:49,458 No, go to a bar. 126 00:04:49,483 --> 00:04:51,362 Let's Tinder at a bar right now! Go! 127 00:04:51,387 --> 00:04:52,490 Dude, calm down. 128 00:04:52,515 --> 00:04:53,981 You can hear mine? 129 00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,457 Can we go be alone somewhere? 130 00:04:56,459 --> 00:04:57,490 (gasping) 131 00:04:57,492 --> 00:04:58,926 I can hear yours. 132 00:04:58,928 --> 00:05:01,294 This is Grandma Agnes. 133 00:05:01,296 --> 00:05:02,957 She's very tired. 134 00:05:02,982 --> 00:05:04,644 It's usually her nap time. 135 00:05:04,669 --> 00:05:07,034 If you had an all-night orgy at Twilight Meadows, 136 00:05:07,036 --> 00:05:08,536 you'd be tired too. 137 00:05:08,538 --> 00:05:12,039 Five orgasms but no one could remember the Goddamn safe word. 138 00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:15,075 What was it? Giraffe? Bagel? 139 00:05:15,077 --> 00:05:17,609 (all) We can hear hers? 140 00:05:19,013 --> 00:05:20,113 I wanna grow my hair out. 141 00:05:20,115 --> 00:05:22,115 What's in, landing strip, disco bush? 142 00:05:22,117 --> 00:05:23,730 Why aren't we wearing underwear? 143 00:05:23,755 --> 00:05:25,086 It's freezing in here. 144 00:05:25,088 --> 00:05:27,021 Great, another party with all girls. 145 00:05:27,023 --> 00:05:28,522 Is a penis ever gonna come to visit? 146 00:05:28,524 --> 00:05:30,524 It's been 37 days, we're definitely pregnant. 147 00:05:30,526 --> 00:05:34,918 Nice, another party with all girls, score. 148 00:05:35,827 --> 00:05:38,464 (all) We can hear everyone's. 149 00:05:38,585 --> 00:05:40,386 You knew this was going to happen? 150 00:05:40,388 --> 00:05:42,621 Of course, I did, my loves. 151 00:05:42,623 --> 00:05:45,124 You shoulda heard yourselves this morning. 152 00:05:45,126 --> 00:05:47,427 You need to take advantage of this opportunity 153 00:05:47,429 --> 00:05:49,429 and listen to your true inner voice. 154 00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,629 I mean, okay, 155 00:05:50,631 --> 00:05:52,366 but why do we need to hear other women's... 156 00:05:53,342 --> 00:05:54,367 areas. 157 00:05:54,369 --> 00:05:55,701 Other people's? 158 00:05:55,703 --> 00:05:57,237 That's not how it works. 159 00:05:57,239 --> 00:05:58,739 How much did you use? 160 00:05:58,741 --> 00:05:59,985 Half a bottle... 161 00:06:00,474 --> 00:06:01,403 each. 162 00:06:01,777 --> 00:06:03,710 And maybe we fed it, but not after midnight. 163 00:06:03,712 --> 00:06:05,778 It's always after midnight. 164 00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:08,347 Ladies, there were only two warnings. 165 00:06:08,349 --> 00:06:10,583 This is uncharted territory. 166 00:06:10,585 --> 00:06:13,153 Hang up! We were masturbating. 167 00:06:13,155 --> 00:06:15,588 I gotta go, I was masturbating. 168 00:06:15,590 --> 00:06:17,999 Damn, I love that woman's honesty. 169 00:06:18,024 --> 00:06:20,258 Jordan, I cannot make it through the shower like this. 170 00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:22,227 Is that a dog bowl? Is there a dog? 171 00:06:22,229 --> 00:06:23,045 Do you know what it's like 172 00:06:23,070 --> 00:06:24,092 when a dog nose comes right up at you? 173 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,375 You're wearing a romper! Oh, God, oh, God! 174 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,167 Oh, my God, no wonder you're stressed out. 175 00:06:29,169 --> 00:06:30,569 Paige?! 176 00:06:30,571 --> 00:06:33,338 It's almost your turn to spin the Bride is Right wheel. 177 00:06:33,340 --> 00:06:34,687 Coming! 178 00:06:35,510 --> 00:06:37,677 Don't worry, it'll probably wear off soon. 179 00:06:37,679 --> 00:06:38,592 And in the meantime, 180 00:06:38,617 --> 00:06:40,278 I'm gonna go catch up with little Jordie. 181 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,114 (loud sigh) 182 00:06:42,116 --> 00:06:45,651 Shall we? After you. 183 00:06:45,653 --> 00:06:48,389 And even though the lasagna was completely burned, 184 00:06:48,414 --> 00:06:51,500 he still ate the whole thing and pretended that he loved it. 185 00:06:51,525 --> 00:06:52,077 Ohh... 186 00:06:52,102 --> 00:06:53,300 And I just knew I wanted 187 00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:55,893 to spend the rest of my life with this man. 188 00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:59,552 And then we spent all night with his perfect penis. 189 00:06:59,577 --> 00:07:01,144 There's a perfect penis? 190 00:07:01,146 --> 00:07:02,613 We've never seen a perfect penis?! 191 00:07:02,615 --> 00:07:03,499 Shh! 192 00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:05,300 Paige, you're up. 193 00:07:08,521 --> 00:07:10,348 Ooh... 194 00:07:11,190 --> 00:07:13,045 Land on sex toy gift bag! 195 00:07:13,070 --> 00:07:14,810 I don't care what I land on. 196 00:07:16,863 --> 00:07:19,697 Proposal story, again? 197 00:07:19,699 --> 00:07:20,608 (laughing) 198 00:07:20,633 --> 00:07:24,511 Okay, so we were having our usual Sunday picnic at the park. 199 00:07:24,536 --> 00:07:28,171 Next thing I knew I was surrounded by puppies 200 00:07:28,173 --> 00:07:28,975 and all of his co-workers... 201 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,233 You're next. 202 00:07:31,014 --> 00:07:33,644 Soon, we'll be doing your wedding shower. 203 00:07:33,646 --> 00:07:36,544 Oh, stop, she has plenty of time. 204 00:07:36,569 --> 00:07:37,914 She's got a month before those ovaries 205 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,450 start to look like Detroit. 206 00:07:39,475 --> 00:07:42,459 She's right, you should just burn me down for the insurance! 207 00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:45,036 I'm fine, I'm still young, I'm in my early 20s. 208 00:07:45,061 --> 00:07:46,717 Mid-20s! 209 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,428 Honeydew? Hot toddy? 210 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:54,092 No, that was our Christmas orgy safe word. 211 00:07:54,117 --> 00:07:57,018 Cheers to all the good times. 212 00:07:57,235 --> 00:07:59,303 To that Uber driver with the piano fingers 213 00:07:59,305 --> 00:08:01,270 who earned his 4-1/2 stars. 214 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:03,407 To the WNBA chick who didn't fit in my bed. 215 00:08:03,409 --> 00:08:05,077 So we called her tallsey. 216 00:08:05,102 --> 00:08:06,483 To Megan Fox. 217 00:08:06,508 --> 00:08:08,670 This is actually what I wanted to talk to you about. 218 00:08:08,695 --> 00:08:11,424 I'm tired of the constant parade of partners, Jordan. 219 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:12,815 It's nonstop. 220 00:08:12,817 --> 00:08:14,280 Wait, you're kidding, right? 221 00:08:14,305 --> 00:08:15,452 We're living our 20s 222 00:08:15,477 --> 00:08:17,364 the way everybody dreams of living their 20s. 223 00:08:17,389 --> 00:08:18,856 You're my vagina. 224 00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:20,163 It's the best gig in the world. 225 00:08:20,188 --> 00:08:20,835 Is it? 226 00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:22,450 Remember that guy from the surf shop 227 00:08:22,475 --> 00:08:24,201 who was taking all those garlic pills? 228 00:08:24,226 --> 00:08:26,302 You wouldn't kiss him, but you let him stay down here 229 00:08:26,327 --> 00:08:27,893 breathing on me for an hour. 230 00:08:27,895 --> 00:08:30,835 Oh, now I know why that took us so long. 231 00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:32,983 It's like a revolving door down here. 232 00:08:32,999 --> 00:08:34,164 I don't know who's coming at me 233 00:08:34,166 --> 00:08:35,800 or what's coming at me half the time! 234 00:08:35,802 --> 00:08:36,874 Okay, calm down. 235 00:08:36,899 --> 00:08:38,447 I'm a delicate (bleep) flower! 236 00:08:38,472 --> 00:08:39,904 I need a break! 237 00:08:39,906 --> 00:08:40,904 Okay, I'm... 238 00:08:40,906 --> 00:08:42,507 I'm sorry, Va-Jordan, hey. 239 00:08:42,509 --> 00:08:44,042 I had no idea. 240 00:08:44,303 --> 00:08:46,209 I'll... I'll be more considerate. 241 00:08:46,577 --> 00:08:48,864 Okay, cool, thank you. 242 00:08:48,889 --> 00:08:50,513 I'm really glad we talked about that. 243 00:08:50,538 --> 00:08:51,685 Me too. 244 00:08:51,882 --> 00:08:53,693 You're my sis. 245 00:08:53,695 --> 00:08:54,794 Do you wanna go back in there 246 00:08:54,796 --> 00:08:56,596 and listen to some other poonanas? 247 00:08:56,598 --> 00:08:58,197 Can we park next to Grandma Agnes? 248 00:08:58,199 --> 00:08:59,731 Course, obviously. 249 00:08:59,733 --> 00:09:03,001 I wanna know what that safe word was at Twilight Meadows. 250 00:09:05,035 --> 00:09:06,969 What if it takes us too long to find a guy? 251 00:09:06,971 --> 00:09:08,937 And we marry too late and we can't have babies? 252 00:09:09,410 --> 00:09:10,949 What if we can have babies? 253 00:09:10,965 --> 00:09:14,400 Oh, God! You want me to push a human body through my face?! 254 00:09:14,402 --> 00:09:16,808 Shut up! Shut the (bleep) up! 255 00:09:18,176 --> 00:09:20,810 Oh, hey, Lindsay! 256 00:09:20,812 --> 00:09:22,712 Nice to see you. 257 00:09:22,714 --> 00:09:24,439 Hey, girl. 258 00:09:25,283 --> 00:09:26,783 She's totally acting weird. 259 00:09:26,785 --> 00:09:27,894 She knows what we did. 260 00:09:27,919 --> 00:09:29,695 She knows we slept with the groom. 261 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,022 Oh, my God, we shouldn't have come today. 262 00:09:33,035 --> 00:09:34,152 (gasping) 263 00:09:34,177 --> 00:09:35,357 (gasping) 264 00:09:35,695 --> 00:09:36,763 (gasping) 265 00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:39,796 It's time for the relationship advice cards. 266 00:09:40,138 --> 00:09:42,934 So, think of your past relationship experiences 267 00:09:42,959 --> 00:09:46,592 and write down your best piece of advice for the bride. 268 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,270 We know what she did! 269 00:09:48,295 --> 00:09:49,494 We have to tell Alyssa. 270 00:09:49,496 --> 00:09:50,695 I can't. 271 00:09:50,696 --> 00:09:52,763 Honey, you don't have to full out the card 272 00:09:52,765 --> 00:09:54,349 if you don't know what to say. 273 00:09:54,357 --> 00:09:55,923 I can tell you what to write. 274 00:09:55,925 --> 00:09:57,256 I can tell you what to write. 275 00:09:57,258 --> 00:09:58,658 Shh... sure, sure can. 276 00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:02,340 My sister Ellen never married. She had a very full life. 277 00:10:02,365 --> 00:10:03,129 Oh? 278 00:10:03,131 --> 00:10:05,449 Until she choked to death in her apartment 279 00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:08,068 because there was no one else there to give her the Heimlich. 280 00:10:08,070 --> 00:10:09,503 Just her cats. 281 00:10:09,505 --> 00:10:11,639 Can't you see you're making Paige upset? 282 00:10:11,641 --> 00:10:13,699 She has to be around all this happiness 283 00:10:13,724 --> 00:10:15,379 and reminders that I found love 284 00:10:15,404 --> 00:10:17,506 when she hasn't even been in a serious relationship. 285 00:10:17,872 --> 00:10:19,912 That must be awful. 286 00:10:20,982 --> 00:10:22,706 You don't have to write one. 287 00:10:23,351 --> 00:10:25,654 (scoffs) 288 00:10:31,623 --> 00:10:34,513 _ 289 00:10:48,610 --> 00:10:51,109 Hey, I like those sausages. 290 00:10:51,111 --> 00:10:52,646 But I'm in the mood for something 291 00:10:52,648 --> 00:10:55,080 a little more attached to a person. 292 00:10:55,082 --> 00:10:57,182 What are you doing after this party wraps up? 293 00:10:57,184 --> 00:10:58,652 Say, 4:00 in the afternoon? 294 00:10:58,654 --> 00:11:00,535 Number, please. 295 00:11:03,191 --> 00:11:04,660 (beeps) 296 00:11:07,227 --> 00:11:09,329 (sighs) 297 00:11:09,331 --> 00:11:11,121 Really? What the shit, Jordan! 298 00:11:11,146 --> 00:11:12,065 What? 299 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,432 Did our little talk mean nothing to you? 300 00:11:13,434 --> 00:11:15,082 I told you I needed a break! 301 00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:16,730 Easy, V. 302 00:11:16,755 --> 00:11:18,231 You're never gonna change. 303 00:11:18,256 --> 00:11:19,322 I'm sick of this. 304 00:11:19,324 --> 00:11:20,690 It's over! 305 00:11:20,692 --> 00:11:22,140 I don't understand. 306 00:11:24,341 --> 00:11:25,629 No, seriously, I don't understand. 307 00:11:25,631 --> 00:11:27,187 What do you mean it's over? 308 00:11:28,934 --> 00:11:30,600 Girl, what is happening? 309 00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:32,001 You can't just break up with me. 310 00:11:32,003 --> 00:11:33,216 Wait, can you? 311 00:11:33,241 --> 00:11:34,374 Hello? 312 00:11:34,399 --> 00:11:37,266 V! Don't be mad. 313 00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:38,891 Don't you touch me! 314 00:11:39,011 --> 00:11:42,474 (Whitney Houston) ♪ And I... ♪ 315 00:11:42,506 --> 00:11:45,141 P! I need you to talk to my vagina for me. 316 00:11:45,143 --> 00:11:46,276 No? 317 00:11:46,278 --> 00:11:47,052 Please! 318 00:11:47,077 --> 00:11:48,512 She's giving me the silent treatment. 319 00:11:48,537 --> 00:11:49,904 Tell her she can't break up with me. 320 00:11:49,906 --> 00:11:51,039 What... how did you... 321 00:11:51,041 --> 00:11:51,973 What am I supposed to even... 322 00:11:51,975 --> 00:11:52,904 I don't know. 323 00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:56,050 You're just better at this relationship stuff, please? 324 00:11:58,075 --> 00:12:01,149 Hey, Jordan's, little Jordan? 325 00:12:01,151 --> 00:12:03,550 Listen, your person is a really good person. 326 00:12:03,552 --> 00:12:04,779 Oh, you don't have to be weird about it. 327 00:12:04,804 --> 00:12:06,103 You can stand up and talk to her. 328 00:12:06,115 --> 00:12:07,646 I do not have time for this right now. 329 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,240 I am freaking out, okay? 330 00:12:09,263 --> 00:12:11,130 I just did something awful. 331 00:12:11,132 --> 00:12:12,983 I heard from Lindsay's... 332 00:12:14,411 --> 00:12:16,534 ...vagina, that she slept with the groom. 333 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:17,396 And I wrote it on all of 334 00:12:17,421 --> 00:12:18,607 Alyssa's relationship advice cards. 335 00:12:18,632 --> 00:12:20,463 And now she's gonna read it in front of everybody. 336 00:12:20,982 --> 00:12:22,716 Yeah, thanks, that makes me feel a lot better. 337 00:12:22,718 --> 00:12:23,918 We gotta get that card back! 338 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,597 Yeah, you gotta get that card back. 339 00:12:25,622 --> 00:12:26,738 Shit! 340 00:12:26,763 --> 00:12:27,922 Shit! 341 00:12:27,924 --> 00:12:30,050 ♪ And I... ♪ 342 00:12:30,075 --> 00:12:32,525 Hey! What about me?! 343 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,663 My vagina broke up with me. 344 00:12:35,665 --> 00:12:39,808 (chatter) 345 00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:42,129 Hey, ladies, they're about to play 346 00:12:42,154 --> 00:12:43,941 How Well Do You Know the Bride in the living room. 347 00:12:43,966 --> 00:12:45,452 Better hurry. 348 00:12:46,521 --> 00:12:49,388 There are prizes, good luck! 349 00:12:49,857 --> 00:12:51,888 Bye. 350 00:12:56,248 --> 00:12:57,371 "Don't go to bed angry." 351 00:12:57,396 --> 00:12:58,515 "Don't go to bed angry." 352 00:12:58,517 --> 00:13:01,520 Don't these women have one piece of original advice? 353 00:13:01,522 --> 00:13:02,366 Oh. 354 00:13:03,156 --> 00:13:04,822 (Alyssa) We're about to read the advice cards. 355 00:13:04,824 --> 00:13:06,202 (gasping) 356 00:13:09,562 --> 00:13:11,362 Ahh! 357 00:13:11,364 --> 00:13:12,584 Oh! 358 00:13:13,666 --> 00:13:15,212 What are you doing? 359 00:13:15,924 --> 00:13:16,959 Uh... 360 00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:20,397 Seriously, in all caps, WTF. 361 00:13:20,506 --> 00:13:21,572 A bird. 362 00:13:21,574 --> 00:13:22,606 What? 363 00:13:22,608 --> 00:13:25,348 A bird, a bird flew in that window 364 00:13:25,373 --> 00:13:26,325 and knocked over this candle. 365 00:13:26,350 --> 00:13:27,271 And then before you knew it, 366 00:13:27,296 --> 00:13:29,630 all your advice cards were on fire and... 367 00:13:29,638 --> 00:13:30,938 I really tried to save them 368 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,067 but you'd be surprised at how flammable paper is. 369 00:13:33,092 --> 00:13:35,160 But don't you worry. 370 00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:37,840 You need new relationship advice cards. 371 00:13:37,865 --> 00:13:39,400 I am on it, girl. 372 00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:42,367 Ladies! 373 00:13:42,369 --> 00:13:44,324 Where's the bird? 374 00:13:52,111 --> 00:13:54,427 Yes, Shane, tonight's the night. 375 00:13:55,048 --> 00:13:56,848 Uh, my place, I guess? 376 00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:58,849 I have my dorm room to myself this weekend. 377 00:13:58,851 --> 00:14:00,752 Can't we just go to the movies? 378 00:14:00,754 --> 00:14:02,263 I don't think I'm ready. 379 00:14:02,669 --> 00:14:05,380 Okay, see you tonight. 380 00:14:06,259 --> 00:14:07,060 (beeps) 381 00:14:07,085 --> 00:14:08,419 (sighs) 382 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:11,481 Hey, can I give you some advice? 383 00:14:12,029 --> 00:14:15,063 If there's any part of you that doesn't feel ready, 384 00:14:15,957 --> 00:14:17,747 you should listen to that voice. 385 00:14:17,772 --> 00:14:21,444 Trust me, you don't want your vagina to be made at you. 386 00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:28,300 What happened to the card I already filed out? 387 00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:29,935 It had really good advice. 388 00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:31,747 "Never go to bed angry". 389 00:14:31,772 --> 00:14:34,005 A bird blew in the window and knocked over a candle. 390 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,008 Really? That's so strange. 391 00:14:36,010 --> 00:14:37,274 What did it look like? 392 00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:39,478 A bird?! That's what we went with? 393 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,652 Um, it was white, big wingspan, yellow beak. 394 00:14:42,677 --> 00:14:44,016 Sounds like an albatross. 395 00:14:44,018 --> 00:14:46,451 Yup, exactly, that is what it was, thank you. 396 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,687 How did it even get in here? All of the windows have screens. 397 00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:53,091 Lies, all lies! I think I'm gonna puke. 398 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,292 Um, it... well, you know, scratch that. 399 00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:57,595 It was actually a much smaller inland bird, 400 00:14:57,597 --> 00:14:58,833 um, kind of like a bat. 401 00:14:58,858 --> 00:15:01,097 Ew, gross, bats have diseases. 402 00:15:01,122 --> 00:15:02,634 She's right, was it near the food? 403 00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:04,302 My triple berry cake. 404 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,205 I had to preorder it five months ago. 405 00:15:06,207 --> 00:15:07,672 That cake has rabies! 406 00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:09,441 Throw it out, throw all the food out! 407 00:15:09,443 --> 00:15:12,311 No, I'm, I'm the bird, the bat, I mean... 408 00:15:12,313 --> 00:15:14,446 There's not a bird or a bat, it was me. 409 00:15:14,448 --> 00:15:15,947 I burned the cards. 410 00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,349 Why would you do that? 411 00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:17,960 It just... 412 00:15:18,755 --> 00:15:20,485 God, seeing all of this 413 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,120 and everything you have going for you. 414 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:23,833 I don't know, I kind of lost it. 415 00:15:24,325 --> 00:15:28,379 There is a huge part of me that is so happy for you. 416 00:15:28,404 --> 00:15:29,728 But then there's this whole part of me 417 00:15:29,730 --> 00:15:31,129 that's kind of freaking out, 418 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,880 and to tell you the truth, I wish I was a bigger person. 419 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,867 I'm sorry. 420 00:15:36,052 --> 00:15:37,335 I'm sorry I took it out on you 421 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,802 and ruined what should be a truly special day in your life. 422 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:43,042 I hope you can forgive me because you are my friend, 423 00:15:43,044 --> 00:15:44,807 and you deserve your happy ending. 424 00:15:44,832 --> 00:15:46,445 Well, you have a weird way of showing it. 425 00:15:46,447 --> 00:15:47,646 Hey! 426 00:15:47,648 --> 00:15:49,114 Paige is being very brave. 427 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,983 Okay, she is being honest. 428 00:15:50,985 --> 00:15:52,603 I think a lot of us try to pretend 429 00:15:52,628 --> 00:15:53,518 that everything's perfect 430 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,988 when on the inside, we feel like we're a mess. 431 00:15:55,990 --> 00:15:58,548 Some of us are unsure about our relationships 432 00:15:58,573 --> 00:16:01,089 or can't remember our safe word. 433 00:16:01,114 --> 00:16:03,504 Some of us know we're just a 1:00 a.m. booty call, 434 00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,397 but we're afraid that we can't do any better. 435 00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:06,758 You can. 436 00:16:07,201 --> 00:16:09,435 Some of us can't remember when sex used to be fun, 437 00:16:09,437 --> 00:16:11,978 and others of us have like way too much sex. 438 00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:15,239 And then others of us have non-vagina related problems 439 00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:16,774 I'm not aware of right now. 440 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:19,378 But the only thing we're doing wrong is thinking 441 00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:22,479 that we have to go through all this stuff alone. 442 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,481 You're right. 443 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:27,518 I brag about my perfect life but the truth is 444 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,198 I'm terrified. 445 00:16:29,682 --> 00:16:33,123 In one month I'll stand in front of everyone and say I do. 446 00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:36,080 When really... I don't know. 447 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:40,375 Wow, it does feel really good to finally be honest. 448 00:16:41,878 --> 00:16:44,504 I'm so sorry, Paige. 449 00:16:45,039 --> 00:16:47,571 (all) Aww... 450 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:48,925 Oh. 451 00:16:50,044 --> 00:16:51,315 I cut the size tags off my jeans 452 00:16:51,340 --> 00:16:53,137 and switch them for smaller ones. 453 00:16:55,792 --> 00:16:57,976 I've stolen 42 towels from my gym. 454 00:16:58,792 --> 00:17:00,925 You're getting some for your wedding. 455 00:17:00,927 --> 00:17:02,994 I tell everyone my dog is a rescue. 456 00:17:02,996 --> 00:17:05,956 I need people to tell me I'm a good person. 457 00:17:06,456 --> 00:17:09,467 Sometimes I don't like people's Instagrams on purpose. 458 00:17:09,469 --> 00:17:10,868 I like what's going on in, 459 00:17:10,870 --> 00:17:13,674 in everybody's lives, but I don't want them to know it. 460 00:17:14,475 --> 00:17:15,808 I slept with Mikey. 461 00:17:15,810 --> 00:17:17,120 (all gasping) 462 00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:20,705 Right after Dion and I broke up, 463 00:17:20,730 --> 00:17:22,128 it was only one time. 464 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,174 It was that month when you guys split up. 465 00:17:24,176 --> 00:17:25,504 I didn't know you were gonna get back together. 466 00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:28,672 I feel terrible, I'm so sorry. 467 00:17:31,088 --> 00:17:32,249 I know. 468 00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:33,835 He told me months ago. 469 00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,351 Oh. 470 00:17:35,353 --> 00:17:39,122 We got past it and... I forgive you. 471 00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:42,193 Not the most ideal timing, but... 472 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,148 I'm glad you were able to tell me. 473 00:17:48,533 --> 00:17:51,400 (all) Aww... 474 00:17:51,402 --> 00:17:54,405 Aww... 475 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,076 We're Vagina Whisperers. 476 00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:01,874 So, you don't mind if we wait? 477 00:18:02,451 --> 00:18:03,207 Cool. 478 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,853 Oh, I'll totally still do that. 479 00:18:06,042 --> 00:18:08,047 And that thing you did on the ski trip? 480 00:18:08,257 --> 00:18:10,992 When we were in the hot tub all night... 481 00:18:10,994 --> 00:18:13,494 Hey, where should we meet up later? 482 00:18:13,496 --> 00:18:15,597 Sorry, dude, I can't. 483 00:18:15,599 --> 00:18:17,331 Did you suddenly get 4:00 p.m. plans? 484 00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:19,067 Yes, I did. 485 00:18:19,069 --> 00:18:20,807 With someone very special 486 00:18:20,832 --> 00:18:22,721 and I'm letting her call the shots. 487 00:18:22,746 --> 00:18:25,580 So, plans are whatever she feels like. 488 00:18:25,674 --> 00:18:28,232 That sounds not at all made up. 489 00:18:30,604 --> 00:18:31,978 Did you mean that? 490 00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,010 Of course. 491 00:18:33,635 --> 00:18:36,148 Listen, Venetian, I'm sorry. 492 00:18:36,150 --> 00:18:40,385 I hear you, I do, I'll change, promise. 493 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:42,776 Let's just never fight again, okay? 494 00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:43,627 Okay. 495 00:18:43,659 --> 00:18:45,191 I just wanted to be heard. 496 00:18:45,193 --> 00:18:46,526 And I'm not saying no sex. 497 00:18:46,528 --> 00:18:48,399 But you know, let's be picky. 498 00:18:48,424 --> 00:18:50,462 Yeah, like every other person. 499 00:18:50,487 --> 00:18:52,554 Maybe every third person. 500 00:18:52,556 --> 00:18:53,526 Meet in the middle. 501 00:18:53,698 --> 00:18:54,865 Hey, when we get home, 502 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,244 I'm gonna make you the sickest bubble bath. 503 00:18:56,253 --> 00:18:58,494 Girl, you know I love them purple bubbles. 504 00:18:58,519 --> 00:19:01,321 Oh, it's gonna be nothing but purple bubbles for you. 505 00:19:01,346 --> 00:19:04,258 You're gonna be smelling like lavender for weeks! 506 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,195 Paige? 507 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:08,602 Oh, no, you're fading. 508 00:19:08,627 --> 00:19:09,837 It's wearing off. 509 00:19:09,862 --> 00:19:11,336 You did good today. 510 00:19:11,361 --> 00:19:13,657 And I've decided I'm not worried about us. 511 00:19:13,682 --> 00:19:15,049 There's plenty of time 512 00:19:15,057 --> 00:19:17,985 and so much love to experience like Italian guys. 513 00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:18,681 (gasping) 514 00:19:18,706 --> 00:19:20,873 Can we please try out some Italian guys? 515 00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:22,040 We're gonna be fine. 516 00:19:22,042 --> 00:19:23,665 We'll find our perfect fit. 517 00:19:23,690 --> 00:19:25,821 Like Cinderella and her slipper. 518 00:19:25,846 --> 00:19:27,868 Only don't put a shoe up me, that's gross. 519 00:19:27,893 --> 00:19:30,420 I will ever put a shoe in you. 520 00:19:33,385 --> 00:19:34,260 Ready to go? 521 00:19:34,276 --> 00:19:36,837 Hey, you know, maybe monogamy isn't the poison 522 00:19:36,862 --> 00:19:39,065 laced bear trap I always thought it was. 523 00:19:39,089 --> 00:19:40,756 I mean, you and I have been together for a while, 524 00:19:40,758 --> 00:19:42,205 and I'm not sick of you yet. 525 00:19:42,229 --> 00:19:42,940 Was that a proposal? 526 00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,595 If anyone proposed it would be you. 527 00:19:44,620 --> 00:19:45,819 In what world? You 528 00:19:45,844 --> 00:19:47,549 would totally propose to me. 529 00:19:48,206 --> 00:19:50,639 You know, I'm actually a little sad the lube wore off. 530 00:19:51,229 --> 00:19:52,641 I miss her. 531 00:19:52,643 --> 00:19:54,275 They're still with us. 532 00:19:54,277 --> 00:19:57,780 They'll always be right here. 533 00:19:57,805 --> 00:20:00,105 ♪♪ 534 00:20:00,130 --> 00:20:02,130 Synced and corrected by Chitorafa www.addic7ed.com