The simple truth is that, with the wilful looting
and destruction of religious and historical monuments
throughout the Middle East,
priceless artefacts are being traded on the black market
by thieves and opportunists.
And we face similar challenges all over the world.
As we sit here, a vast swathe of the Amazonian rainforest,
first charted by Victorian explorer Percy Fawcett,
is being destroyed.
Fawcett was a visionary
and, with the recent discovery of the lost Yuruti tribe,
we have a real opportunity to find Fawcett's last known camp.
And yet all that you're having me do is sit behind a desk
and fill out budgets and... and viability studies...
I think what Alex is trying to say is...
What I'm saying is Fawcett, Carter, Livingstone,
Mary Kingsley, these were not people who sat behind desks.
They went out into the world
and they found what they were looking for.
Let me go out there and try to emulate these men and women.
(Murmuring)
These decisions take time.
But you've done all you can for today.
We have an exhibition in six weeks' time,
to be opened by Lord Caernarvon
and a member of the Royal family.
If you give me this chance, I will find Fawcett's camp
and I will bring back artefacts for that exhibition.
The media attention such an exhibit would attract
would firmly put the museum back in the public eye.
Just as the Chancellor's new budget is due to be delivered
later that very same month.
In which he seeks to cut public funding,
as part of his new... austerity drive.
You've promised them continued government funding,
from a budget you have no control over,
based on the discovery
of something we don't know actually exists.
What do you think?
Better not come back empty-handed
or we're all screwed.
Oh, what could possibly go wrong?
♪ 7HORSE: Most Of That Is You And Me
♪ I don't need all the action
♪ I can't take all the speed
♪ I just need a reaction, baby
♪ Most of that is you and me
♪ Most of that is you and me...
WOMAN: It's a fake.
I'll give you 50 bucks.
I'm surprised it's worth 50.
Because it's not the stone I came in with.
You switched.
♪ The world is drivin' me crazy
♪ Gives me a kind of disease
♪ I've got some kind of reaction, baby
♪ Most of that is you and me
- Uhh-ohh. - (Whinnies)
It's OK, Clara. I've got this.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Really?
Ya!
Aaargh! Whoa-aaa-aaa!
Clara, stop!
Clara! Aaa-aaa-arrgghh!
(Screams echo)
Aaa-aaa-arrgghh!
That's enough!
Stop!
Stop! Whoa!
Aaa-aaa-arrgghh!
(Groans)
I... I think you dropped this.
(Tribal chanting, drums)
Aw, come on, guys! You're eating Clara? Really?
Are you completely stupid?
Who the hell are you?
♪ EZRA FURMAN: Restless Year
♪ Sing like a ooh-la ooh-la ooh-ooh
♪ I set up camp in the centre of town
♪ Ready for freedom when it all comes down
♪ Snapping my fingers, walking around
♪ I'm a dusty jewel in a thrown-out crown
♪ Got a bus pass to make my way
♪ From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day
♪ I got a talisman tote with the whole array
♪ And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away
I was asking for directions from their hunting party,
then you attacked them.
They assumed I was a diversion
and went from happy to help to string her up!
(Man shouts urgently)
- What's going on? - They're going to stake me
over that fire-ants' nest.
It's their standard punishment for errant women.
Nasty.
What about me?
You're a thief. They'll hold a Yohimbe trial.
I'm not a thief.
What's a Yohimbe trial?
The Yuruti are notoriously bisexual.
They'll smear you in monkey blood
and then they'll send you into the chief's hut for sex.
- (Mutters) - Come on, he's 90 years old!
That's where the Yohimbe comes in. It's a sexual stimulant
made from tree bark.
There may be another way, Mr?
Hooten. No Mr.
The Yuruti are immensely proud of their warriors.
If you were to challenge and defeat their strongest warrior,
they'd see it as the will of the gods.
So if I win...
they have to let us go?
So I believe.
Have you thought about not getting quite so close to him?
Waaa-aaa-aaah!
Ooh.
Ha!
Perhaps try a little more jab and move.
Which way are you gonna run?
South. I have a boat on the river.
Wait. Why are we running? They're letting us go.
- Aren't they? - (Man shouts angrily)
(Shocked utterances)
(Member of tribe yells)
(Massed yelling)
Where's your damn boat?
Keep going!
- Why are they chasing us? - I dunno! Sore losers?
(Angry yelling)
You start the engine! I'll cast off!
Clive.
Erm...
Base camp's lost contact with Alex.
You got a name?
Alexandra Lindo-Parker.
Lindo? That's a helluva middle name.
No, my middle names are Diana, Elizabeth.
My surname is Lindo-Parker.
- You have five names? - Well, strictly speaking,
only four names, the Lindo-Parker is hyphenated.
No shit. So, what, your parents couldn't make up their mind?
They're all family names.
So, what are you doing out here, Miss Alexandra Lindo-Parker?
I work with the British Museum.
We're here searching for the last camp site
of Victorian explorer Percy Fawcett.
He came here in 1925, in the spring, to search for El Dorado.
The fabled city of gold.
The lost city of Z.
Zee.
Zed.
And let me guess. He didn't find it.
No-one knows. He was never seen again.
So, you find this camp and then what?
The idea is to create a tableau in the museum,
using all of Fawcett's original artefacts.
- That'll shake up the world. - You don't like museums?
People spend too much of their time looking back or forwards.
Everybody's "now" is turning to shit.
I think history is important.
It helps us to understand where we come from.
Sometimes that's not such a great idea.
What do you do, Mr Hooten?
This and that.
And are either "this" or "that" an occupation of any kind?
You know, you ask a lot of questions.
Which you have a canny knack of avoiding answering.
It's a gift.
It's gonna get dark soon.
We should pull over somewhere and bed down.
So, what do we know?
It's gonna be dark there soon. Her phone's dead.
She's been off-radar for 11 hours.
- Team on the ground? - Pascal Baudin,
the embassy guide, he's only just begun
to put a search party together, to leave at first light, erm...
Last known point of contact
was north of the Yuruti hunting grounds
and it's just too much ground to cover, only possible by air.
I can't imagine what the board
are gonna say when they find out.
Well, let's just hope we find her then, before they do.
(Sighs)
What's that?
I grabbed some before we left the camp.
Seemed like the smart thing to do.
It looks like meat.
Mm.
You're eating your horse!
It's what she would have wanted.
No. Thank you.
People are gonna be worried sick about me.
What about you, Mr Hooten? Anyone worrying about you?
No Mr.
I had one friend and I've just eaten her.
(Sighs)
(Hooten groans)
I think I dropped my hammock back there when we were running.
- That was careless. - We were being chased.
I didn't drop mine.
You know, you can be very rude.
- Thank you. - It wasn't a compliment.
Look, lady, I don't wanna be here with you any more than
you wanna be here with me, so let's get some sleep.
- We'll say bye in the morning. - Fine.
There's a supply post four miles north of here.
You can drop me off there.
- Nope. Sorry. - What?
I'll be heading south.
With my boat.
- South? - I was being given directions
by the Yuruti tribe, before we were so rudely interrupted.
There is a high ridge south from here
and I think that's where Fawcett made his camp.
- So you can drop me off first. - In the opposite direction?
That's hardly practical.
You can stay here or walk to your supply camp.
You want me to hack my way
through four miles of dense jungle?
I cannot tell you how many people
tried to talk me out of coming to the Amazon, Mr Hooten.
They said it was impossible, that I was doomed for failure.
I am not returning empty-handed.
- That's a little selfish. - Depends on your point of view.
You have a hammock, I have a boat.
Now, I can either collect you on my way back
or you can come with me. It's your choice.
Not much of a choice.
Not my problem.
Great.
Why not?
Let's go find the dead Victorian guy.
- Sleep tight. - I will.
The phone company has confirmed that her phone's not in use
and it hasn't been for the last 24 hours.
The search team is getting ready to leave now.
Keep me in the loop.
(Birdsong)
(Engine fails to start)
(Hooten groans and sighs)
- (Engine fails to start) - Morning!
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
I thought I'd get the boat loaded up.
Oh.
How very thoughtful.
Thank you.
- Do you want me to drive? - I can manage.
Suit yourself.
(Hooten sighs)
(Engine starts)
Which way is south?
No, no, you gotta back it out that way.
(Revs engine)
That's good.
How much further?
There... should be a hill.
Just up there.
You should know there's a snake above you.
- He's really big. - Of course there is.
No, no, no. I'm serious.
Do you think I'm entirely stupid?
It was a rhetorical question.
I'm sure this is the right place.
How did you Brits conquer half the world, anyway?
Just bumping into places?
Aim for Norway. End up in India.
No, look, there's a ridge! Just like the Yuruti described.
It's definitely the next ridge.
OK. Not funny now.
Even the goats are shaking their heads as we pass.
Have faith, Mr Hooten.
This is it. I knew it. This is Percy's camp!
Look!
(Gasps) It's him!
Oh, my...
It's remarkably well preserved.
Will you look at this?
Look.
A pen?
A slice of history.
Can't you see him?
Sitting here alone. Right here!
Not as vividly as you can.
Knock yourself out.
Mr Hooten!
All done. We can go now.
It's almost dark. We'll go in the morning.
Oh.
Sorry.
It's all right.
WOMAN: It's been 17 hours.
That is not how I wanted today to end.
So, yes, Pascal, yes, I am more than a little concerned
and, you know, it doesn't help in the least
you telling me not to be.
We'll try again at first light.
- I'll be here. - OK.
(Ends call)
Perhaps we should think about telling her family.
And her fiancé.
(Light shower)
All right. Let's get out of here.
Do you think we should bury him or something?
I dunno. Just...
Cover him with a blanket or something.
You think so?
(Gasps)
- You broke his arm off. - I didn't mean to!
The poor guy's been laying there minding his own business
for the better part of 100 years and you rip his arm off.
You told me to cover him up.
I didn't. It was the decent thing to do.
- Are you always this annoying? - Always.
Are you gonna just leave it there?
OK.
There's something in his hand.
I think it's a map.
I think this is telling us where the lost city is.
Do you know how many treasure maps I've followed?
- They don't tend to end well. - It isn't just treasure.
This is an entire city. A city...
so full of gold
that its inhabitants used to grind it down into powder,
then blow it through canes to paint each other's bodies.
El Dorado means, quite literally, "gilded man".
It says that the start point is in Madre de Dios,
just below Paratoari.
I don't know anyone who's ever been there on foot.
So then we would be the first people there!
What do you mean "we"? How did we become a "we"?
You can't just take someone and turn them into a "we".
I'm giving you the opportunity
to discover the lost city of gold!
Yeah, and, if we find it, what's my cut?
We are on the verge of finding evidence
that proves this... this ancient civilisation
that people have spent centuries searching for
and all you're interested in is "What's my cut"?
Pretty much.
10%.
50:50. Straight down the middle.
I need to tell my team what I've found.
Fine.
That store I told you about is about four hours downriver.
We can pick up provisions. Tell your team whatever you want.
I have first choice for anything with historical significance.
I have first choice
of anything that looks easy to melt down into money.
Thank you, Percy!
Sorry about the arm.
(Music on radio)
- Hola, Hooten. - Hola, Alice.
(Giggles) How are you doing?
Oh...
- What I can get you? - A beer first.
- And then I've got a list. - Oh? Am I on it?
- Right at the top. - (Alice giggles)
Sorry to interrupt. Do you have access to any kind of telephone?
Sure, we have Skype.
And FaceTime. Knock yourself out.
Thank you.
(Connecting tone)
Pascal!
Thank heavens. Where are you?
I need you to call Ella. Tell her that everything's OK.
And then ask her to tell Edward, too.
- Yes. Give me your location. - No, no, no. Look, wait.
I have something far more exciting to show you. Look.
I think it shows where the lost city is.
So I'm getting provisions to head there now.
(Beeps)
Any word on our missing lady?
Anything?
No. Nothing.
I'm just refuelling and we're good to go.
Right, I'll be out in a minute.
(Printer hums)
That was Pascal.
It's still no news.
He said that they'd do a final sweep.
- But... - But what?
Then he thinks we should consider
calling off the search party.
Thank you very much.
Here.
So...
How long do you know Hooten?
Er, not very long.
- You slept with him yet? - No, I have not!
So, he hasn't asked you, huh?
Wouldn't make the slightest diff...
Stop your yapping. There's a break in the clouds, let's go.
- Hasta luego, Hooten. - Till next time.
No, thank you.
- That was very rude. - What?
Barking at me like that, that it was time to go.
I wasn't "barking" at you.
I felt like I was being summoned.
The boat's loaded up and ready to go.
I would just appreciate a little bit of courtesy, that's all.
Is that so difficult?
♪ BAND OF SKULLS: Hoochie Coochie
You're just very truculent.
That's not even a word.
Hostile and antagonistic.
(Gasps)
Hooten!
♪ You should have worked a little harder at school
♪ Trust you...
Aaa-aaa-aaah!
♪ ...to be tripping out
♪ Trust you...
- (Screams) Put me down! - No!
♪ Trust you...
I am not antagonistic.
♪ Hoochie coochie
Untie us!
(Hooten grunts)
OK, gentlemen, I'll take the chopper.
You follow the river south. Keep in radio contact. OK?
Let's go, Doug.
(Search team talk in Spanish)
Look out for an inlet.
(Hooten sucks) Mm.
Is that absolutely necessary?
Are you kidding me? This is where all the flavour is.
You should try it.
No, thank you.
Water?
I'm good.
- Where is the water? - In my bag. (Sucks noisily)
Unbelievable!
This is why the Yuruti were chasing us!
- You stole it again. - I didn't steal it "again".
This is the first time.
- Isn't that splitting hairs? - Splitting hairs?
They killed Clara and beat me half to death.
And... they were about to stake you over an ants' nest.
Yes, but all of that only happened
because of what you did!
None of this would have happened
if you hadn't stolen the skull in the first place!
Then we escape by the skin of our teeth
and you just go right ahead and steal it again!
I didn't steal anything.
Well, now I did.
Don't give me that, don't give me that, you grave robber.
- What? - Wrenching that map
from his cold, dead hands. (Tuts)
- That is hardly the same thing. - No.
You're right. It's worse.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
And you broke his arm off! (Chuckles)
You know, everyone has the right to be stupid, Mr Hooten,
but you really abuse the privilege.
Now where are you going?
I know it's close. I'll find it without you.
OK. Well, have fun with the snakes
and the spiders and the flesh-eating bugs
and the 10,000 other things, besides me,
- that could kill you out there. - I will!
I give you about an hour before you come crawling back!
(Alex screams)
Mr Hooten?
Mr Hooten? Please!
Wow, less than a minute!
(Grunts)
Oh.
Need a little help?
If it's not too much trouble.
Apologise first.
- What? - For calling me a thief.
Do you mind terribly if we do this later?
Yes. You won't apologise later.
You're actually serious, aren't you?
No, I'm just bored.
Fine! Fine, fine, fine, fine! I apologise.
For?
For calling you a thief.
You're trying to think of something else, aren't you?
Seems too good an opportunity to miss.
God, you are...
such a... dickhead!
Apology accepted.
- Whoah. - Aah.
Whoa. All right.
Uhh...
Give me your hand.
Come on.
Come on, you gotta meet me halfway.
I got you, I got you.
- Ooh! Whoa-aaa-aaa! - Aah!
BOTH: Aaargh!
Urghh! Ohh!
BOTH: Aaargh!
BOTH: Uhh!
(Hooten groans)
Ohh. Anything broken?
No, I don't think so.
Could you get off me, please?
Uhh. Ohh...
Ow.
(Groans)
HOOTEN: Ah-ah-ah.
Look!
(Alex groans)
(Bird squawks)
(Laughs)
Land us down there!
(Insect buzzes)
God bless Percy Fawcett!
And God bless your British Museum!
- (Gunshot) BOTH: Uhh!
Hooten, try not to move.
Are you kidding me? Somebody's shooting at me.
Pascal?
Wait. So, you know this guy?
What am I saying? Of course you know him, he shot me.
Yeah, OK.
Why are you doing this, Pascal?
Why? Well, to prevent you from ruining Percy Fawcett's memory.
- Really? - No. For the money, stupid.
- Aah! - That and the fact that
I've been attached to your embassy
as a guide for three years.
Wait, if he's pissed off with you, what is he shooting me for?
Three years of taking orders from the English.
I'm a Frenchman. You figure it out.
- Why don't you shoot her? - Charming.
He's French! You didn't see that coming?
- Aah! - Come.
(Chortles)
You know, if we make it out of this,
it'll be quite a story for you to tell the museum.
If we make it out, I doubt I shall be allowed back there.
How come?
I promised them... rather a lot.
I persuaded them to have faith in me
and I've done nothing but make a mess of it all.
Look, it could be worse.
How?
Look, for what it's worth, you've been pretty amazing.
You've got some balls.
Thank you. I think.
You're only half as annoying as most of the Brits I meet.
Well, you're not the most annoying American I've ever met.
Sorry for the inconvenience, Lady Alexandra. Such bad form.
Lady?
It's just a title. I don't really use it.
No shit. You're like a real lady?
- Does it matter? - You said you worked
- for the British Museum. - I do.
Oh, I see. Because I'm a lady, you think I sit around all day
being waited on, hand and foot, by a butler.
- You've actually got a butler? - No!
OK. No, yes, fine. That's exactly what I do.
And I generally travel everywhere by horse and carriage
and I wear lace gloves and a bonnet.
Do you know the Queen?
Pascal?
Pascal!
Douglas, you have to help us.
- What's going on? - Quickly, quickly!
- (Gunshot) - Ohh!
Oh, my...
- Ohh! - Room for more gold.
Can you reach those rocks by your feet?
What?
What? Where?
MAN: Pascal, we've had another call from the museum,
asking for an update. What's your position? Over.
(Radio off)
Aah.
Come on, quickly!
He's coming back.
- You need to come with me. - No!
There's a search party looking for you. Get up!
Once they find you, they'll go home.
I'll drop you off.
Hey, Pepé Le Pew, how about you untie me so I can kick your ass?
No! No! Look, I'll go with you.
Just don't hurt him. Where's he gonna go?
Well, at least you will have the famous
lost city of Z to look at while you bleed to death.
Aaargh!
Now come.
Hurry.
- Hurry! - It's zee.
Get in.
Quick!
You're never going to get away with this.
Hooten!
That's no way to treat a lady.
Uhh!
I could use a little help here!
Oh, shit!
- (Cocks rifle) - Not that kind of help!
Aaah!
Hooten!
(Tribal wailing)
(Excited chanting)
Hooten!
Ah. Ah.
Aaargh!
Ah.
(Console beeps)
- (Beeping continues) - Jump!
Don't be ridiculous!
Trust me! Jump!
- (Beeping) - Oh, merde!
Wow!
Whoo!
Yeah!
- (Laughs) - Huh-huh.
That was great!
You're all right.
What are you doing?
What do you mean? Nothing.
- You puckered. - No, I didn't.
- You definitely puckered. - I did no such thing!
I get it. Hero saves the girl, she puts out.
Nothing like a happy ending to get those hormones pumping.
Happy ending? Happy ending?
I found the Yuruti tribe and they were going to show me
what it is that I came here for in the first place.
And then you show up and I'm dangling upside down,
I'm being threatened with being eaten alive by fire ants,
I'm being chased by an angry tribe
and having arrows fired at me and then I'm tied up again,
I'm kidnapped and I'm chucked out of a bloody helicopter!
- Yeah. - Now you're accusing me
of trying to kiss you? Define "happy"!
Methinks the lady protests...
Actually, it's "the lady doth protest too much, methinks".
- I'm glad you agree. - You are so...
- Handsome? - Infuriating!
Great! No gold, no skull and I've been shot.
We...
We still have Percy's map. Oh.
(Chuckles)
We know what the start point is, it's the Madre de Dios.
Yeah, then we fell down a mountain.
Not to mention our little helicopter ride.
It was impossible with Percy's map, let alone without it.
To find that place again, you'd need to send in the bulldozers.
- Level the entire rainforest. - Well, look, it's not all bad.
I still have all of Percy's things.
Great.
You lose us a city made of gold,
but you've still got Percy's things.
- Oh, so it's all my fault? - That's what I said.
I think you're forgetting that I very probably saved your life.
Saved my life? You got me shot!
It's just a scratch.
(Distant siren wails)
(Clicks)
CLIVE: It sounds a bit intense for a first field trip.
ALEX: Nonsense. It was terribly exciting.
Well, you must tell me all about it on Monday.
Monday? Lovely.
This place is buzzing because of you.
Well, us.
- I'm sorry about Pascal. - Wasn't your fault.
No, I have made a note not to book
any more homicidal Frenchmen as your guides in the future.
- Great. Thank you. - Absolutely not.
- Very thoughtful. - Yes.
So, no Edward tonight?
No, he had an emergency at work.
Have you shared all the gory details of your trip with him?
Edited highlights.
And this Hooten chap, what's he like?
He's a tad rough around the edges.
Oh? Is he here?
No. He...
This isn't his kind of thing.
Ah, yeah. Right. Well...
(Knock at door)
(Distant music and laughter)
You have something for me?
You're hurt.
You want me to stay?
(Sucks noisily)
(Bell chimes three o'clock)
(Distant siren wails)
♪ DOROTHY: Wicked Ones
♪ This night ain't for the faint of heart
♪ For the faint of heart, for the faint of heart
♪ This night ain't for the faint of heart
♪ Cos the faint of heart are gonna fall apart
♪ Ah-ah-ah
♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ah, ah-ah-ah
♪ Ah-ah-ah...
♪ Ooh-la-ooh
♪ Sing like a
♪ Ooh-la ooh-la ooh-ooh
♪ I set up camp
♪ In the centre of town
♪ Ready for freedom
♪ When it all comes down
♪ Snapping my fingers
♪ Walking around
♪ I'm a dusty jewel
♪ In a thrown-out crown
♪ Got a bus pass to make my way
♪ From hideout to hideout
♪ In the heat of the day
♪ I got a talisman tote
♪ With the whole array
♪ When you catch my coat-tails
♪ I'll be miles away
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll