1 00:00:02,900 --> 00:00:06,900 This programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:33,860 Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - 3 00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:36,660 Jon Richardson, 4 00:00:36,660 --> 00:00:38,780 David Walliams, 5 00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:40,700 Joe Lycett, 6 00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:42,660 Jonathan Ross, 7 00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:44,740 Isy Suttie, 8 00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:46,700 Susie Dent, 9 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:49,020 and Rachel Riley. 10 00:00:49,020 --> 00:00:53,020 Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr. 11 00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:57,740 APPLAUSE 12 00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:01,300 Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, 13 00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:03,380 a show all about letters, numbers, and conundrums. 14 00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:04,740 Did you know, for example, 15 00:01:04,740 --> 00:01:08,180 the opposite of nowadays for times gone past is thenadays? 16 00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:10,220 And the term for something completely forgotten is 17 00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:13,500 The Saturdays. 18 00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:15,100 Three billion is the number of times 19 00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:17,500 a person's heart will beat in their lifetime, 20 00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:19,140 although mine is one less than that, 21 00:01:19,140 --> 00:01:23,140 because it skipped a beat when I first met David Walliams. 22 00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:27,420 And a sextant is an instrument used for measuring the angular 23 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:28,980 distance between objects, 24 00:01:28,980 --> 00:01:32,980 whereas a sex-tent is what a scoutmaster takes camping. 25 00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:38,500 Right, let's get started. APPLAUSE 26 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,780 OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, 27 00:01:44,780 --> 00:01:48,780 it's Jon Richardson. APPLAUSE 28 00:01:50,420 --> 00:01:52,860 Jon says he loves all sports, except swimming. 29 00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:56,860 Fair enough, those cardigans can get heavy when they're wet. 30 00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:59,060 And joining Jon tonight is Joe Lycett. 31 00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:03,060 APPLAUSE 32 00:02:04,420 --> 00:02:05,460 When he was a child, 33 00:02:05,460 --> 00:02:07,660 Joe used to regularly sit in the front garden and sing to 34 00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:10,100 the flowers, in an act described by local bullies as 35 00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:12,860 "inspiring". 36 00:02:12,860 --> 00:02:14,740 - I did actually do that. - What did you sing? 37 00:02:14,740 --> 00:02:18,620 I used to sing Gustav Holst's The Planets. 38 00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:20,780 I thought you were going to say that. 39 00:02:20,780 --> 00:02:24,060 What are the words to Jupiter? 40 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:28,060 ♪ Da da da da da... ♪ It's just "da-das". 41 00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:33,300 - What age were you when you were doing this? - About 22. 42 00:02:34,180 --> 00:02:36,300 Up against them this evening - it's special guest 43 00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:40,300 team captain David Walliams. APPLAUSE 44 00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:47,140 David once mooned Simon Cowell. 45 00:02:47,140 --> 00:02:51,140 Witnesses still can't agree which was the biggest arsehole. 46 00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,380 - And David's team-mate, Jonathan Ross. - Ooh! 47 00:02:56,380 --> 00:03:00,380 APPLAUSE 48 00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:04,740 Jonathan was awarded an OBE in 2005, 49 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:08,740 which just goes to show how hard it is to take back an OBE. 50 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:16,500 - We're on the same team. - I know, but it's true. - No! 51 00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:21,060 David, what's the best way to seduce David Walliams? 52 00:03:21,060 --> 00:03:23,900 Invite him to Manchester for a recording of 53 00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:25,700 a panel show that you're hosting. 54 00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:29,180 Yep, Manchester, got it. 55 00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:33,020 Later on, invite him back for drinks, 56 00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:37,020 - at your hotel. - Holiday Inn, yep. 57 00:03:37,540 --> 00:03:41,540 And give me a cake very soon after sex. 58 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:47,220 - A cake? - A cake, either during or after. 59 00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:50,300 Your mouth will be full. 60 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:54,300 APPLAUSE 61 00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,220 Jonathan, you were branded the worst celebrity contestant 62 00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:00,820 ever on The Great Comic Relief Bake-Off. 63 00:04:00,820 --> 00:04:03,020 Well, thanks for just bringing it up and not even asking 64 00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,220 a question. That was... 65 00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:07,420 Do you think you're going to do any better this evening? 66 00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:10,620 Look, just because I didn't set out to bake stuff which was 67 00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:14,180 pretty and edible - does that make me a bad cook? 68 00:04:14,180 --> 00:04:16,740 I don't think so. I was colouring outside the lines. 69 00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:19,340 - There's no cooking tonight, is there, Jimmy? - I don't think so. 70 00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:21,020 Well, then I fail to see how it's relevant. 71 00:04:21,020 --> 00:04:23,220 - And you're pretty good at Countdown, right? - No, I'm OK. 72 00:04:23,220 --> 00:04:25,540 I'm all right with the words, I'm useless with the numbers. 73 00:04:25,540 --> 00:04:27,060 - That's where I come in. - Yeah. - Numbers. 74 00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:28,540 I can't believe you're good at maths. 75 00:04:28,540 --> 00:04:31,380 Yeah, I can count to 100, easy. 76 00:04:31,380 --> 00:04:33,140 All in one go? 77 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,980 I take breaks. 78 00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:37,740 I don't know if the mics picked up the sound of 79 00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:41,740 me shitting my pants there. 80 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,140 Jon, if you had 24 hours to live, what would you do? 81 00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:47,820 Do you know something I don't know? 82 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,860 I don't know, if I had 24 hours to live. 83 00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:53,020 My tidying's all done, so... 84 00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:54,220 Are you ready at any point? 85 00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:56,660 I think, yeah, that's secretly what it's about. 86 00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:59,980 Get everything tidy, and then you can die. 87 00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:02,060 I mean, it's a busy time period for the Sky+ memory 88 00:05:02,060 --> 00:05:04,740 at the moment, so I would like to get that, ideally, 89 00:05:04,740 --> 00:05:07,420 up to 100% before I died. 90 00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:09,140 You don't want to leave someone to do that, 91 00:05:09,140 --> 00:05:11,220 to have to delete... "Is he going to watch 92 00:05:11,220 --> 00:05:13,980 "these Countryfiles, or did he just...?" 93 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,820 "I think he was the kind of guy that watched..." 94 00:05:15,820 --> 00:05:17,540 Where are you currently on your Sky memory? 95 00:05:17,540 --> 00:05:19,740 - What's your current figure? - My wife's home a lot, 96 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:22,700 - so we currently have below 30% memory, and... - Wow. 97 00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:26,580 ..usually in that situation, I don't leave the house. 98 00:05:26,580 --> 00:05:28,860 You must have so much fun. 99 00:05:28,860 --> 00:05:32,860 She's a lucky lady, with an itchy trigger finger. 100 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,900 Channel 5, Babies Make You LOL. 101 00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:40,900 I mean, not on the evidence they have shown so far. 102 00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:43,180 Joe, this is your first time on Cats Does Countdown as 103 00:05:43,180 --> 00:05:47,060 - a player. - Yes. - How do you think you're going to do? - Badly. 104 00:05:47,060 --> 00:05:48,780 Because I'm not very good at spelling, 105 00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:51,380 and I'm not very good at maths. 106 00:05:51,380 --> 00:05:54,460 - But you've been with Susie on numerous occasions. - I have, 107 00:05:54,460 --> 00:05:56,140 - but I don't... - Did she teach you nothing? 108 00:05:56,140 --> 00:06:00,140 Well, she taught me lots, but it hasn't stuck. 109 00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:03,340 The reason I wanted to avoid Dictionary Corner is, 110 00:06:03,340 --> 00:06:05,900 the last couple of times I've been in Dictionary Corner, 111 00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,860 clips of my performances have ended up on 112 00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:11,820 lad-based Facebook pages. 113 00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:15,820 LAD Bible, UNILAD, ChavLad. 114 00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:21,420 And whilst I am an absolute lad, as you know... 115 00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:25,420 OI-OI! 116 00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:29,100 More like a choking seal. 117 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,140 How do YOU do it? 118 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,300 Well, I would sort of differentiate between the two 119 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:34,620 - "oi"s, so ideally you want a little pause. - OK. 120 00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:36,620 OI! 121 00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:38,700 OI! 122 00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:41,660 - Or, a good one is the, - HIGH-PITCHED: "ooey, ooey." 123 00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:43,580 - HIGH-PITCHED: "Ooey, ooey." - There you go. 124 00:06:43,580 --> 00:06:47,100 Straight to Ibiza with you, young man. 125 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:49,140 So, the last time you were in Dictionary Corner, 126 00:06:49,140 --> 00:06:51,460 you ended up on lads' sites? 127 00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:54,300 I consider myself to be quite laddy, but the people 128 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:57,980 commenting on ChavLad don't think I'm that laddy. 129 00:06:57,980 --> 00:06:59,020 Right. 130 00:06:59,020 --> 00:07:01,940 So, basically, somebody that talks like me on ChavLad gets 131 00:07:01,940 --> 00:07:04,860 the sort of response that you would get if you go to 132 00:07:04,860 --> 00:07:08,340 a dinner party and say, "What do you think of Brexit?", 133 00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:12,060 and then open a box of wasps. 134 00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:14,420 So I'm trying to go under the radar. 135 00:07:14,420 --> 00:07:17,140 - Have you got a mascot this evening, Joe? - Yes, I have. 136 00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:18,500 So, one thing... 137 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:21,420 Every time I've been on this show, I always feel like 138 00:07:21,420 --> 00:07:25,340 that clock goes quickly, and I don't trust it. 139 00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:29,340 But who I do trust is Pam St Clement. 140 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:37,140 And this is a clock that I have in my bedroom, 141 00:07:37,140 --> 00:07:41,140 and I trust it with my life, so I'll be using Pam as the timer. 142 00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:47,220 Rather than GMT, it's PST - Pam St Clement time. 143 00:07:49,060 --> 00:07:52,620 I didn't realise how sort of cat-like she looked. 144 00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:56,620 Yeah, I mean, at 25 to 6, she starts to look a bit French. 145 00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:03,740 Jon, have you got a mascot? 146 00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:06,940 Yes, I've checked the Countdown rules, cos obviously, 147 00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:08,100 two unknown elements here, 148 00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:10,500 I didn't know how good you were going to be. 149 00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:14,500 There's no rule against receiving help from the dead, 150 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:19,100 so I've brought in a ouija board. 151 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:25,220 I just think, "What could possibly go wrong?" 152 00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:28,340 So, at various points tonight, I may go into a trance-like 153 00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:32,260 state, and hopefully we'll get a bit of action. 154 00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:34,580 It's got all the classic symbols on it - the letters, 155 00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:38,580 the numbers, the sun and the moon, for when it's bedtime. 156 00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:42,300 You need a ghost to tell you. And then when they've finished, 157 00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:45,060 they're polite - they just say "goodbye," the ghosts. 158 00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:48,260 Cos it takes a long time to spell "cheerio". 159 00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,660 - OK. David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have. 160 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:53,380 It's a close friend of mine. 161 00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:55,540 It's a very special lady in my life. 162 00:08:55,540 --> 00:08:57,180 She's like a kind of mother to me. 163 00:08:57,180 --> 00:09:00,220 She's very kindly agreed to come on the show and be my 164 00:09:00,220 --> 00:09:04,220 mascot. Ladies and gentlemen - Her Majesty the Queen. 165 00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:08,460 APPLAUSE RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS 166 00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:17,740 No direct questions, please, 167 00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:20,460 because it costs more if she talks, OK? 168 00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,220 Just come and... Jonathan, make some room. 169 00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:26,220 - She hasn't come for my OBE, has she? - Can you sit...? 170 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,500 Go on the stool. You sit here, my love. 171 00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:31,900 - In you go, Your Majesty. - Beautiful. 172 00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:35,900 You look younger than you do on the stamps. 173 00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:39,380 Again, I said, it's extra if she talks, so it's best... 174 00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:42,220 You can make comments, but don't ask direct questions. 175 00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:46,220 - Say nothing if Charles isn't going to get it when you die. 176 00:09:47,060 --> 00:09:49,700 Oh, dear. 177 00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,500 David, how long have you known the Queen? 178 00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,100 Since I swum the Channel. That's when I first met her. 179 00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,700 - Wow. Yes. - I swum the Channel. 180 00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:59,860 If she met you then, you don't have to tell her that now. 181 00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,660 That's when you met her, apparently. 182 00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,540 I met you, do you remember? We met, and I'd swum the Channel. 183 00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:06,780 I got invited to Buckingham Palace, 184 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:09,300 and I met Her Majesty there, and then we became friends, 185 00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,740 and we talk on the phone most nights. 186 00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,260 We text, and stuff. 187 00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:15,460 - Do you two hang out together? - Oh, yeah. 188 00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:17,540 Well, she'll just say, "Come over, I've got a movie. 189 00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:19,460 "Let's just have pizza and watch Pretty Woman," 190 00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:23,460 that kind of thing, and we spoon sometimes, as well. 191 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,940 Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty the Queen. 192 00:10:25,940 --> 00:10:29,260 - Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE 193 00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:33,260 RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS 194 00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:47,900 Very down to earth. 195 00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:49,380 Jonathan, have you got a mascot? 196 00:10:49,380 --> 00:10:50,420 I've brought a mascot in. 197 00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:51,940 This isn't the mascot, in actual fact, 198 00:10:51,940 --> 00:10:53,380 this is to demonstrate the mascot. 199 00:10:53,380 --> 00:10:55,460 I should explain why I have this item with me, because 200 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:56,980 hopefully it's going to bring me luck, 201 00:10:56,980 --> 00:10:58,740 not just this evening, but in the future. 202 00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:00,620 We're redecorating our house at the moment, 203 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:02,860 because all my children have left home - I'm that age now - 204 00:11:02,860 --> 00:11:04,380 and when the kids leave, 205 00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:05,980 they take a lot of their stuff with them, 206 00:11:05,980 --> 00:11:07,500 but they didn't take any of their pets, 207 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:11,420 so we've now got something like seven dogs, five cats, 208 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:14,580 two snakes, one pig, and a lot of fish, and the cats have got 209 00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:15,860 territorial with each other, 210 00:11:15,860 --> 00:11:17,660 and one of them is pissing everywhere. 211 00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:20,340 He is just pissing everywhere. He's spraying everywhere. 212 00:11:20,340 --> 00:11:21,500 It's clearly a protest. 213 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,420 He even got on the duvet and pissed on the duvet 214 00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:26,020 while I was in the bed the other night. 215 00:11:26,020 --> 00:11:28,500 And then he went round the corner, lifted his tail up, 216 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:31,700 and he pissed directly into an unused plug, 217 00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:34,300 and fused the power on the whole floor. 218 00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:36,460 He was still pissing - smoke was coming out behind him. 219 00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:38,620 I was kind of hoping the electricity would go up the 220 00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:42,100 stream of piss, and kill the little fucker, but it didn't. 221 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,220 - So we got a cat psychologist in. - Of course, yeah. 222 00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:45,860 She said, "You know what the problem is? 223 00:11:45,860 --> 00:11:47,260 "Your cat's pissing everywhere." 224 00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:49,620 That was about what we got for our money. 225 00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:52,180 So my wife went online and found another possible 226 00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:53,740 solution, which I've brought with me, 227 00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:57,740 and this is my good luck thing - it's a cat nappy. 228 00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:02,100 - You've seen these before. - Of course I have, yes. 229 00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:05,180 - I'm wearing one right now. - But the thing is... 230 00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:06,660 Is this a genuine thing you can buy? 231 00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,020 Yes, it is, but the weird thing is... 232 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:11,380 I've read the booklet on it. It's trickier than it looks. 233 00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:14,020 You've read the booklet in a hurry, by the looks of things. 234 00:12:14,020 --> 00:12:17,620 - Yes. - I think you need that bit down. - Just get away from it! 235 00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:19,820 - That bit down like that. - What's wrong with you? 236 00:12:19,820 --> 00:12:21,140 You're such a control freak. 237 00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:22,940 We are not going to get on tonight, I can tell. 238 00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:26,020 JOE: I'm weirdly aroused. 239 00:12:26,020 --> 00:12:29,980 There it is, Jimmy, I've put it on successfully. 240 00:12:29,980 --> 00:12:31,900 Ladies and gentleman, Jonathan's cat nappy. 241 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:33,460 APPLAUSE 242 00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:37,460 - OBE! - Jonathan Ross, OBE! - OBE! - Services to broadcasting. 243 00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:44,100 I didn't have to swim a foot, and I got one. 244 00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:48,100 APPLAUSE 245 00:12:48,460 --> 00:12:50,660 OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Isy Suttie. 246 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:54,460 APPLAUSE 247 00:12:54,460 --> 00:12:57,380 Isy used to work in the Oddbins call centre in Hull, which, 248 00:12:57,380 --> 00:13:01,380 for many people in Hull, is the fourth emergency service. 249 00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:03,940 What's your best ever holiday, Isy? 250 00:13:03,940 --> 00:13:06,820 Probably when I went skiing when I was about ten 251 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,540 and my sister was about six, 252 00:13:08,540 --> 00:13:11,860 and my mum's always been a bit of a skinflint, 253 00:13:11,860 --> 00:13:13,940 and she didn't want to buy salopettes, 254 00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:16,780 because she thought we might only go skiing once, 255 00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:20,780 so she made us ski suits out of '60s duvets. 256 00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:24,740 Which she sprayed with a waterproof spray, 257 00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:27,860 and then she got us to lie on them and drew round us in 258 00:13:27,860 --> 00:13:30,180 magic marker, and then sewed it. 259 00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:31,420 Me and my sister were small, 260 00:13:31,420 --> 00:13:33,620 so we got the same on our fronts and our backs, 261 00:13:33,620 --> 00:13:37,060 but my dad, cos he was bigger, got a brown and white one for 262 00:13:37,060 --> 00:13:40,820 the front, and then a yellow one for the back. 263 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,180 Is there a photo of that anywhere? 264 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:44,020 - Is there evidence of this? - No, it's so... 265 00:13:44,020 --> 00:13:46,020 My mum doesn't believe in looking back, 266 00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,300 so she doesn't really take any photos. 267 00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,580 - She doesn't believe in looking back? - No. 268 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:54,460 She's killed a lot of cats in the driveway, hasn't she? 269 00:13:54,460 --> 00:13:56,820 OK, and with Isy this evening, it's Susie Dent, of course. 270 00:13:56,820 --> 00:14:00,820 APPLAUSE 271 00:14:04,380 --> 00:14:06,260 Susie's been the resident lexicographer in 272 00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:08,940 Dictionary Corner since 2003, so think again before you 273 00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:12,940 start moaning on about how shit YOUR life is. 274 00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:17,580 Susie, David's new to the show. Any advice for him? 275 00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:19,100 Well, you say you're a maths guru, 276 00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,300 but you're also brilliant at words. 277 00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:23,500 We genuinely love David's books in our house, 278 00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:25,660 and he has this brilliant thing where does 279 00:14:25,660 --> 00:14:28,500 "made up word alerts," very often on a page, and he has 280 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,420 brilliant words like "chocolated" and "huggiest" 281 00:14:31,420 --> 00:14:32,820 and "gruesomeist." 282 00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:35,260 There's bumboy, isn't there? Bumboy's in one of them. 283 00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:38,540 - I don't think he made that one up. 284 00:14:38,540 --> 00:14:41,220 Bumboy is a thing. - Yeah. 285 00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:43,140 I think it's a different thing in David's books. 286 00:14:43,140 --> 00:14:44,780 - It may well be a different thing, 287 00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:46,420 but trust me, it's a thing. 288 00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:48,340 What does bumboy mean, David? 289 00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:50,820 In the story Billionaire Boy, 290 00:14:50,820 --> 00:14:53,500 the boy's father gets really rich, 291 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:56,060 because he invents a type of toilet roll which is wet on 292 00:14:56,060 --> 00:14:58,620 one side and dry on the other, and he gets bullied at school, 293 00:14:58,620 --> 00:15:01,180 - and one of the things he's called is bumboy. - Bumboy. 294 00:15:01,180 --> 00:15:05,180 We've all been called it for various different reasons. 295 00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,740 OK, and in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley. 296 00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:12,740 APPLAUSE 297 00:15:12,900 --> 00:15:15,180 "Rachel is in charge of all the letters and numbers," is 298 00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:19,180 a sentence that makes her sound way more important than she is. 299 00:15:19,380 --> 00:15:22,820 It says here you're a rubbish driver. Is that true? 300 00:15:22,820 --> 00:15:25,420 Not too bad, but the first time my dad took me out in my car - 301 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:26,980 I had The Inbetweeners 302 00:15:26,980 --> 00:15:30,180 yellow go faster Cinquecento Sporting - 303 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:32,180 and I drove it into a bush. 304 00:15:32,180 --> 00:15:34,580 So, if you'd say that's a bad driver, then... 305 00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,660 Yeah, that's quite bad, yeah. 306 00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:39,060 OK, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - 307 00:15:39,060 --> 00:15:43,060 the Countdown Scuba Set. 308 00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:56,900 Right, OK, everyone, let's Countdown. 309 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,220 Time for the first game. 310 00:15:58,220 --> 00:16:00,820 David and Jonathan, you get the first pick of the letters. 311 00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:03,140 Vowel. Consonant. 312 00:16:03,140 --> 00:16:05,980 Vowel, consonant, consonant, vowel. - O! 313 00:16:05,980 --> 00:16:08,420 N, E, U. 314 00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:09,460 A vowel. 315 00:16:09,460 --> 00:16:10,500 I 316 00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:11,540 Consonant. 317 00:16:11,540 --> 00:16:12,580 X 318 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:13,740 - Vowel? - Vowel. 319 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:14,780 E 320 00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:17,300 Can we start again? They're terrible letters. 321 00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,980 - You picked them. - I think we need another consonant. 322 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,020 P 323 00:16:21,020 --> 00:16:22,740 And another consonant. - And another one. 324 00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:23,980 R 325 00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:27,980 OK, and your time starts now. 326 00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:44,060 EXHALES LOUDLY 327 00:16:54,940 --> 00:16:58,940 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 328 00:17:01,820 --> 00:17:04,140 I got seven. 329 00:17:04,140 --> 00:17:08,140 Pam hasn't finished yet. 330 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,820 - Jonathan, how many have you got? - Seven. - David? 331 00:17:11,820 --> 00:17:13,900 Five, but I'm not sure it's a real word. 332 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:17,540 Oh, mine's not a real word, but I've got seven. 333 00:17:17,540 --> 00:17:20,620 - Joe? - Five. - And Jon? 334 00:17:20,620 --> 00:17:23,380 WE have a six. 335 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:27,060 - And who did you do this with? - I'm not sure who it is. 336 00:17:27,060 --> 00:17:30,860 I was getting the word "die" a lot. 337 00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:33,100 Angry fella, I like him. 338 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:37,100 - OK, David, let's have your five. - RUIXO. 339 00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:42,740 - RUIXO? - R-U-I-X-O. - Yeah, I know how to spell RUIXO, yeah. 340 00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:45,380 What does it mean? What's the definition of RUIXO? 341 00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:48,980 It's a type of hat, erm... 342 00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:52,980 ..worn by people with cold heads. 343 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,620 "You got your RUIXO on today?" "Yes, I have." 344 00:17:57,620 --> 00:17:59,100 You know, all of that. 345 00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:00,860 We're just going to double-check it's in the 346 00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:03,420 - dictionary, but I think that's five. - RUIXO. - RUIXO. 347 00:18:03,420 --> 00:18:05,900 I told you he was great at these made-up words. 348 00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:08,500 - Sadly, it is made-up. - That's not fair, is it? 349 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,580 - No, I'm sorry. - OK, Joe, what's your five? 350 00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:15,220 - RIPEN. - RIPEN. - Oh, that's a good one. 351 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:17,420 OK, Jon, what's your six? 352 00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:19,100 Well, as I said, they kept saying "die," 353 00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:22,700 and I asked, when I go deep, "What do you mean?", 354 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,300 and they said, "expire". 355 00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:27,540 - EXPIRE is there for six. - But that's... 356 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,660 You were helped by the undead, so it's bound to be good. 357 00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:32,900 Check the rule book, mate. 358 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:35,100 There is nothing in it about being helped by the undead, 359 00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,140 so no, fair enough, that counts, OK. 360 00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:39,460 - And Jonathan, your seven. - UNPOXER. 361 00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:43,460 - Someone who sees a pox and takes it away. - Unpoxes it. 362 00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:46,860 It's a very old word for a doctor. 363 00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:50,860 - Medieval word. - You'd go, "Get thee to an UNPOXER." 364 00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:54,300 - Susie, is UNPOXER in there? - It is not in the dictionary. 365 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,900 - Well, that's a bad dictionary. 366 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,380 That's all I'm saying. 367 00:18:57,380 --> 00:18:59,380 I think it's probably in a historical dictionary. 368 00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:01,820 - - Yes, exactly. That's what I'm saying. - Medieval dictionary. 369 00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:04,500 How old are you, Jonathan? 370 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:06,540 Me and Chaucer used to go drinking and then visit the 371 00:19:06,540 --> 00:19:09,180 UNPOXER straight afterwards. 372 00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:13,180 So that's six points to Jon. APPLAUSE 373 00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:17,340 Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? 374 00:19:17,340 --> 00:19:19,260 There is a seven. 375 00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:21,740 - It's PIONEER. - Oh. 376 00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:24,540 Oh, so close! 377 00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:27,380 OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Joe are in the lead with 6. 378 00:19:27,380 --> 00:19:29,700 APPLAUSE 379 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:30,980 On to our first numbers round. 380 00:19:30,980 --> 00:19:33,620 OK, Jon, Joe, your turn to pick the numbers. 381 00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:36,780 Two from the top and four from the bottom, please. 382 00:19:36,780 --> 00:19:39,700 - OK, we've got 7. - Right. - 6. 383 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:43,540 9, 8. 384 00:19:43,540 --> 00:19:47,540 50, and 100. 385 00:19:48,580 --> 00:19:50,780 JOE CHEERS LADDISHLY It's your only job, Rachel. 386 00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:51,900 It's your... 387 00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:54,700 It's literally your only job, is to put the numbers up. 388 00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:57,460 - Let's swap it. - You can't swap it. - Well, that's easy anyway. 389 00:19:57,460 --> 00:19:59,540 Everyone's got that one. 390 00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:01,020 Right, well, press the button again. 391 00:20:01,020 --> 00:20:02,380 - OK. - JONATHAN: I've got it. 392 00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:03,740 Here we go. 393 00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:04,900 - All right. - There you go. 394 00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:08,900 883, OK, and your time starts now. 395 00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:13,060 It's easy, this one. I've got it. 396 00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:41,100 So the target was 883. Did you get it, Jonathan? 397 00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:42,420 Hold on, I thought I had it, 398 00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:43,860 but did they change the top number? 399 00:20:43,860 --> 00:20:45,380 Yes. 400 00:20:45,380 --> 00:20:48,900 LAUGHTER 401 00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:50,780 Why did you change the top number? 402 00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:52,500 Because it was too easy, so we said, 403 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:54,180 "We're going to change the number." 404 00:20:54,180 --> 00:20:56,220 - What do you mean, "it's too easy?" - But I got that one. 405 00:20:56,220 --> 00:21:00,220 - I was really excited. - You got 136? - Yeah, and then I relaxed. 406 00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:02,660 How can this be fair? 407 00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:03,740 You go on about the rules, 408 00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:05,420 "Oh, the rules, the rules, the rules." 409 00:21:05,420 --> 00:21:09,420 Don't change the fucking rules, then! I got it! 410 00:21:09,580 --> 00:21:13,580 - David, did you get it? - I got 4,993. 411 00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:16,860 Well, that's better than 883. 412 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:20,740 Yeah, well, it's closer than 136. 413 00:21:20,740 --> 00:21:23,900 Yeah. Joe, did you get it? 414 00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:26,020 No, I got 823, but... 415 00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:28,300 - Jon, did you get it? - I got 882. 416 00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:30,100 I feel like I would have got it if there had been 417 00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:34,100 a 7 up there, but that's just the way life is sometimes. 418 00:21:34,340 --> 00:21:36,780 OK, Jon, how did you get 882? 419 00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:40,100 8 - 6 is 2. 420 00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:44,100 Away from the 100 is 98. And times by 9. 421 00:21:44,260 --> 00:21:46,500 Yeah, well done. I got that too. 422 00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:48,380 APPLAUSE Could it be done? 423 00:21:48,380 --> 00:21:52,380 You could have done it. You could say 100+50, 150. 424 00:21:52,380 --> 00:21:53,860 - Yeah, obviously. 425 00:21:53,860 --> 00:21:56,540 Times by 6 is 900, and then take away the 8 and 9. 426 00:21:56,540 --> 00:22:00,380 - - Oh. - APPLAUSE 427 00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:03,620 Seven points to Jon. APPLAUSE 428 00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:04,980 OK, the scores at the moment - 429 00:22:04,980 --> 00:22:06,620 David and Jonathan have no points. 430 00:22:06,620 --> 00:22:10,340 - Yes! - Jon and Joe are on 13. 431 00:22:10,340 --> 00:22:14,180 - I feel upset. - APPLAUSE 432 00:22:14,180 --> 00:22:15,700 And here is your teaser - the words are 433 00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:18,180 WET GROIN, the clue is "can be pretty imposing." 434 00:22:18,180 --> 00:22:20,660 That's WET GROIN, "can be pretty imposing." 435 00:22:20,660 --> 00:22:21,900 See you after the break. APPLAUSE 436 00:22:22,460 --> 00:22:23,460 APPLAUSE 437 00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:26,900 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. 438 00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:28,140 The words were WET GROIN, 439 00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:29,740 the clue was - can be pretty imposing. 440 00:22:29,740 --> 00:22:31,380 It was, of course, TOWERING. 441 00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:33,420 So, Jon and Joe are in the lead. 442 00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:35,220 OK, they've been playing in teams so far, 443 00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:37,300 - but this game is just for David and Jon. - Oh. 444 00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:39,500 So, David, your turn to choose the letters. 445 00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:40,700 Vowel. 446 00:22:40,700 --> 00:22:41,860 I 447 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:43,020 Consonant. 448 00:22:43,020 --> 00:22:44,060 T 449 00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:45,100 Consonant. 450 00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:46,300 S 451 00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:47,380 Vowel. 452 00:22:47,380 --> 00:22:48,420 A 453 00:22:48,420 --> 00:22:50,580 It's a-aa-aa... 454 00:22:50,580 --> 00:22:53,380 ..bum boy! 455 00:22:53,380 --> 00:22:54,420 Consonant. 456 00:22:54,420 --> 00:22:55,500 N 457 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,660 Consonant. 458 00:22:57,660 --> 00:22:58,700 D 459 00:22:58,700 --> 00:23:00,340 Vowel. 460 00:23:00,340 --> 00:23:01,460 O 461 00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:04,660 Two more const-onant-stants. 462 00:23:04,660 --> 00:23:06,100 T 463 00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:07,340 And... 464 00:23:07,340 --> 00:23:08,380 N 465 00:23:08,380 --> 00:23:11,500 OK, and your time starts now. 466 00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:15,500 Oh. 467 00:23:42,620 --> 00:23:43,700 Nice. 468 00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:47,460 Made a little doll's house. I've got Rachel's room. 469 00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:51,180 She's got loads of...she's got loads of pictures of me. 470 00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:53,140 And that's...that's David's room, 471 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:55,300 but I'm...I'm in bed with you, because... 472 00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:58,380 - it just saves on the heating bill. - Yeah. 473 00:23:58,380 --> 00:24:00,740 And then, Jon, you're just in the kitchen on your own, 474 00:24:00,740 --> 00:24:03,860 tidying up. 475 00:24:03,860 --> 00:24:07,860 And, Susie, you've just got a stripper pole in your room. 476 00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:13,460 Spinning around on the pole. 477 00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:15,780 Erm, David, how many have you got? 478 00:24:15,780 --> 00:24:18,060 I've got a one. 479 00:24:18,060 --> 00:24:21,820 - A one-letter word? - A one-letter word. 480 00:24:21,820 --> 00:24:23,020 Jon, how many? 481 00:24:23,020 --> 00:24:27,020 Well, this is definitely cheating, because... 482 00:24:27,020 --> 00:24:30,740 - I made contact, there, with William Shakespeare... - Wow. 483 00:24:30,740 --> 00:24:34,740 ..and he was able to give me a four. 484 00:24:35,340 --> 00:24:37,660 - A four?! - Yeah. - From Shakespeare? 485 00:24:37,660 --> 00:24:40,940 But a four from Shakespeare is worth, like, a five from... 486 00:24:40,940 --> 00:24:44,580 - Jeffrey Archer. - ..Jeffrey Archer. 487 00:24:44,580 --> 00:24:47,260 - David, let's have your, your, your one letter word. - Simple. 488 00:24:47,260 --> 00:24:48,500 O 489 00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:49,540 O 490 00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:51,220 I use it all the time. 491 00:24:51,220 --> 00:24:53,700 Maybe put an exclamation mark with it. O! 492 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:54,900 HIGH?PITCHED: O! 493 00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:56,940 You can use it for all kinds of things, can't you? 494 00:24:56,940 --> 00:24:58,580 Something nice - O! 495 00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:01,660 ANGRILY: ..O! 496 00:25:01,660 --> 00:25:02,740 Yep? - Fine, yeah. 497 00:25:02,740 --> 00:25:04,020 - Got it? - Yeah, got it. 498 00:25:04,020 --> 00:25:05,140 - In there? - Yep. 499 00:25:05,140 --> 00:25:07,100 - So what does it say? O, what does it say? 500 00:25:07,100 --> 00:25:10,180 - Er, it says, "Archaic spelling of 'oh', with the H." 501 00:25:10,180 --> 00:25:13,380 - - Yeah. - Yeah. - Done it. 502 00:25:13,380 --> 00:25:17,380 - OK, Jon. - Er, well, Bill and I... 503 00:25:18,420 --> 00:25:19,980 ..he got, er... 504 00:25:19,980 --> 00:25:22,780 TITS 505 00:25:22,780 --> 00:25:25,100 You're saying you got in touch with the undead, 506 00:25:25,100 --> 00:25:27,300 the ghost of William Shakespeare, 507 00:25:27,300 --> 00:25:28,860 and he gave you TITS? 508 00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:31,700 I was very excited, because when he first got in touch, 509 00:25:31,700 --> 00:25:34,420 he went "H, A, H, A," and I thought, "He's got a nine", 510 00:25:34,420 --> 00:25:38,420 and then he was just laughing cos he'd seen TITS. 511 00:25:39,020 --> 00:25:41,380 You can also have TITSAND, which is, like, 512 00:25:41,380 --> 00:25:45,340 when you drown in TITS. 513 00:25:45,340 --> 00:25:49,300 JOE CHEERS 514 00:25:49,300 --> 00:25:51,540 Er, Susie, is it in there, presumably? 515 00:25:51,540 --> 00:25:54,180 Yeah, and I think it did go back to Shakespeare's time. 516 00:25:54,180 --> 00:25:58,180 Not...not in the boob sense, but in the bird sense. 517 00:25:58,380 --> 00:26:00,500 Oh, well, that's four points to Jon. 518 00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:04,260 APPLAUSE 519 00:26:04,260 --> 00:26:06,820 Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? 520 00:26:06,820 --> 00:26:09,580 - They could. There are a few sevens, aren't there? - Yep. 521 00:26:09,580 --> 00:26:11,900 - There's ANOINTS... - Oh, yeah. 522 00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:14,180 - ..STATION... - Ugh! 523 00:26:14,180 --> 00:26:15,620 ..NATIONS... 524 00:26:15,620 --> 00:26:18,020 - I had all of these. - Yeah. 525 00:26:18,020 --> 00:26:19,380 OK, so at the end of that, 526 00:26:19,380 --> 00:26:23,060 David and Jonathan have no points, Jon and Joe have 17. 527 00:26:23,060 --> 00:26:26,900 APPLAUSE 528 00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:29,300 Right now, time for Jonathan and Joe to go head-to-head. 529 00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:30,940 Joe, your turn to pick the numbers. 530 00:26:30,940 --> 00:26:32,700 Shall I have three from the top, then? 531 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,220 Or does that make it harder? 532 00:26:34,220 --> 00:26:38,220 Only if you've caught the bat shit crazy train to What-The-Fuck-Is-Going-On-Land. 533 00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:43,620 - Hey, Joe, you could go all big, and then we'd show them. 534 00:26:43,620 --> 00:26:47,220 - All big. - Yes! 535 00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:49,740 - - And you say you're not a lad. - They're saying in my ear, 536 00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:51,660 they can't have more than four big ones! 537 00:26:51,660 --> 00:26:53,580 There are only four, so this is all of them and 538 00:26:53,580 --> 00:26:55,300 then you get two little ones. - Oh, I see. 539 00:26:55,300 --> 00:26:57,340 That's not what I asked for! 540 00:26:57,340 --> 00:27:00,780 Whoa, whoa, whoa, cool it - she's just doing her job. 541 00:27:00,780 --> 00:27:03,140 These ones, they're not small. 542 00:27:03,140 --> 00:27:05,260 I think you'll be pleased with the size of these ones. 543 00:27:05,260 --> 00:27:09,260 - - Oi! - HE CHEERS 544 00:27:09,620 --> 00:27:13,620 - What was that? - That was my lad foot pose. 545 00:27:13,940 --> 00:27:15,620 # We are the lads We are the lads 546 00:27:15,620 --> 00:27:17,500 ♪ We are, we are, we are the lads. ♪ 547 00:27:17,500 --> 00:27:20,540 - What are you going to go for? - Yeah, I'll have four big ones. 548 00:27:20,540 --> 00:27:24,540 - And two... - And two little ones. - Your two little ones are... 549 00:27:25,220 --> 00:27:26,740 Not that little, are they? 550 00:27:26,740 --> 00:27:29,540 - Exactly, I knew you'd be impressed. - Huh! 551 00:27:29,540 --> 00:27:33,540 SHE LAUGHS WHILE READING NUMBERS ALOUD 552 00:27:34,180 --> 00:27:37,460 And the biggest one - 849. 553 00:27:37,460 --> 00:27:41,460 OK, your time starts now. 554 00:27:43,100 --> 00:27:45,340 Oh, this is so easy. 555 00:27:45,340 --> 00:27:49,340 It's SO easy. 556 00:27:54,380 --> 00:27:58,380 JONATHAN MUTTERS CALCULATIONS 557 00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:03,380 Hang on, you've got to get 849. 558 00:28:03,380 --> 00:28:04,420 I can't get 849. 559 00:28:04,420 --> 00:28:06,460 You can, you could if you'd thought about it. 560 00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:08,140 If you'd actually tried. 561 00:28:08,140 --> 00:28:09,580 LAUGHTER 562 00:28:09,580 --> 00:28:11,900 So the target was 849. Joe, did you get it? 563 00:28:11,900 --> 00:28:13,500 Hang on, I've still got a bit more time, 564 00:28:13,500 --> 00:28:15,060 cos Dean Gaffney is letting me, eh... 565 00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:17,660 LAUGHTER 566 00:28:17,660 --> 00:28:19,420 I've got one at home that's a cuckoo clock, 567 00:28:19,420 --> 00:28:23,420 but it's Natalie Cassidy, she comes out and blows a trombone. 568 00:28:26,260 --> 00:28:28,740 - All right, Joe, did you get it? - 850. 569 00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:30,340 I think we all got 850! 570 00:28:30,340 --> 00:28:31,900 Well, that's easy. 571 00:28:31,900 --> 00:28:34,460 - Even I could have done that. - Jonathan, did you get it? 572 00:28:34,460 --> 00:28:36,660 I really didn't do a lot better. 573 00:28:36,660 --> 00:28:40,020 I think I got 841. 574 00:28:40,020 --> 00:28:41,620 LAUGHTER 575 00:28:41,620 --> 00:28:44,620 Well, that's... That's worse. 576 00:28:44,620 --> 00:28:46,100 I know it's a lot closer, 577 00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:48,060 but 849, 841, it sounds closer. 578 00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:50,500 Sounds better than 850. 579 00:28:50,500 --> 00:28:54,500 - OK, let's hear your 850, how did you do this? - Eight... 580 00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:58,100 Hang on. 581 00:28:58,100 --> 00:28:59,380 Times 100. 582 00:28:59,380 --> 00:29:02,500 Yeah, and you haven't used either of those, so... 583 00:29:02,500 --> 00:29:04,940 - 800. - That was very patronising. 584 00:29:04,940 --> 00:29:06,500 LAUGHTER 585 00:29:06,500 --> 00:29:07,780 Plus... 586 00:29:07,780 --> 00:29:09,860 F... Fifty. 587 00:29:09,860 --> 00:29:13,860 Yep. 588 00:29:14,700 --> 00:29:17,580 That's seven points to Joe. Rachel, could it be done? 589 00:29:17,580 --> 00:29:20,100 Yeah, there were a couple of ways. 590 00:29:20,100 --> 00:29:24,100 You could have said eight plus nine is 17, times 50 is 850, 591 00:29:26,700 --> 00:29:30,700 and then 100 minus 75 is 25, over the 25 is one to take off. 592 00:29:33,100 --> 00:29:35,460 - What?! - Has she really come up with this stuff? 593 00:29:35,460 --> 00:29:37,420 JONATHAN: Gives me a headache! 594 00:29:37,420 --> 00:29:41,140 OK, so David and Jonathan have no points, Jon and Joe have 24. 595 00:29:41,140 --> 00:29:43,100 AUDIENCE: Woo! 596 00:29:43,100 --> 00:29:44,860 JONATHAN: It's harder than it looks 597 00:29:44,860 --> 00:29:46,140 when you watch it at home. 598 00:29:46,140 --> 00:29:48,100 OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner. 599 00:29:48,100 --> 00:29:50,500 - What have you got for us, Isy? - Well, I've been thinking about 600 00:29:50,500 --> 00:29:51,580 people I used to live with. 601 00:29:51,580 --> 00:29:53,780 I'm settled now, I've got a boyfriend and a baby, 602 00:29:53,780 --> 00:29:56,540 but I used to have a knack of attracting housemates 603 00:29:56,540 --> 00:29:59,340 who turned out to be very, very eccentric. 604 00:29:59,340 --> 00:30:00,860 So here are a few of them. 605 00:30:00,860 --> 00:30:03,540 This is Claire with an I. She always used to say, like... 606 00:30:03,540 --> 00:30:05,340 NORTHERN ACCENT: "I say what I think", 607 00:30:05,340 --> 00:30:08,140 then she just wouldn't say anything. 608 00:30:08,140 --> 00:30:10,180 She used to say things like, 609 00:30:10,180 --> 00:30:12,100 "Me and men are like chalk and cheese, 610 00:30:12,100 --> 00:30:16,100 "if chalk and cheese have sex in a cupboard at work." 611 00:30:16,900 --> 00:30:19,380 But, yeah, she used to give me a lot of tips as well, 612 00:30:19,380 --> 00:30:21,420 and I was going out on a date once, 613 00:30:21,420 --> 00:30:24,460 and I'd done my hair and was ready to go, and she went, 614 00:30:24,460 --> 00:30:27,180 "Eh, I got three rules with dating, Isy. Rule one - 615 00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:31,180 "always go to a brightly-lit area on a first date." 616 00:30:31,340 --> 00:30:32,740 I was like, "OK." 617 00:30:32,740 --> 00:30:36,100 "Rule number two - never kiss on a first date. 618 00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:39,380 "Rule number three - always use a condom on a first date." 619 00:30:39,380 --> 00:30:41,700 LAUGHTER 620 00:30:41,700 --> 00:30:45,620 Delightful Claire with an I. This is Rachel. 621 00:30:45,620 --> 00:30:49,620 NORTHERN ACCENT: She genuinely used to speak...this slowly. 622 00:30:50,940 --> 00:30:54,740 The...whole...road...is... on...fire. 623 00:30:54,740 --> 00:30:58,740 We...have...to...leave...now. 624 00:31:00,100 --> 00:31:04,100 But I think this is the best housemate I've ever had. 625 00:31:04,100 --> 00:31:06,500 This is Anya. She was from Slovenia, I lived with her 626 00:31:06,500 --> 00:31:09,220 when I was at drama school. She was really blunt, 627 00:31:09,220 --> 00:31:12,700 she nearly got sacked from the clothing shop Gap for telling 628 00:31:12,700 --> 00:31:16,700 a woman that her bum looked big before she'd tried anything on. 629 00:31:17,980 --> 00:31:21,940 I went to stay with her in Slovenia, and Slovenia's 630 00:31:21,940 --> 00:31:25,180 next to Italy, and they sent my luggage to Italy by mistake. 631 00:31:25,180 --> 00:31:26,940 So I had no clothes for a whole week, 632 00:31:26,940 --> 00:31:28,620 and she lent me one outfit for the week, 633 00:31:28,620 --> 00:31:30,460 which was like a vest and quite short shorts, 634 00:31:30,460 --> 00:31:33,620 so I wore those around her village for the whole week. 635 00:31:33,620 --> 00:31:34,700 And at the end of the week 636 00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:36,540 when my luggage did arrive, she said... 637 00:31:36,540 --> 00:31:39,900 EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT: "Everyone in my village saw you a prostitute." 638 00:31:39,900 --> 00:31:41,340 And I was like, "Why?" 639 00:31:41,340 --> 00:31:43,940 And she went, "Because you wear tight vest and shorts, 640 00:31:43,940 --> 00:31:46,380 "it's a Catholic country, not acceptable." 641 00:31:46,380 --> 00:31:48,900 And I was like, "Why didn't you say something before?" 642 00:31:48,900 --> 00:31:50,180 And she was went, 643 00:31:50,180 --> 00:31:54,180 "I could not think of English word for 'prostitute'." 644 00:31:56,700 --> 00:32:00,700 Isy Suttie, everyone. 645 00:32:01,060 --> 00:32:02,660 And here is your teaser. 646 00:32:02,660 --> 00:32:05,820 The words are SLUT BITE, the clue is "seen but not heard". 647 00:32:05,820 --> 00:32:08,460 That's SLUT BITE, seen but not heard. See you after the break. 648 00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:11,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 649 00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:13,880 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser - 650 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:15,120 the words were SLUT BITE. 651 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:17,000 The clue was, seen but not heard. 652 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:18,920 It was, of course, SUBTITLE. 653 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:19,960 OK, before we get on, 654 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:22,040 a chance for our teams to win some bonus points. 655 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,480 They've been trying and failing to find nine-letter words, 656 00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,680 so I thought I'd give them some help with their vocab. 657 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,360 I've got a selection of objects, 658 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:29,800 all are spelt with nine letters. 659 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:32,360 All they have to do is identify them with their hands. 660 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:34,680 They'll have their eyes covered with a blindfold. 661 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:37,280 Whoever identifies the most objects gets the points. 662 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:38,480 Jon and Joe, you're up first. 663 00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:40,560 So please join me in the feeling station. 664 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,640 I don't like feelings. 665 00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:45,160 You do like feelings. Come on. Come on over. 666 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:48,720 APPLAUSE 667 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,880 - Jump in there. There you go, there's a blindfold. - Oh, yeah? 668 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:55,880 - Pop your blindfolds on. - Somebody travels first class. 669 00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,080 OK. So you're against the clock. 670 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:00,280 All you've got to do 671 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,480 is identify the nine-letter objects. 672 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,600 OK, so your time starts now. 673 00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:06,440 He's in between you now. 674 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:07,680 There you go. 675 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:09,920 - No. Yeah, there. - Ooh. - Jon, Jon. 676 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:11,600 - Oh, am I supposed to be feeling? - Reach in. 677 00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:13,000 Is it worms? It's quite warm. 678 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:14,200 SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI! 679 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,680 - SPAGHETTI's right, yeah. - Yay! - APPLAUSE 680 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,160 OK. 681 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:21,680 - I've got spaghetti on my hands. - OK, so reach in. 682 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,040 He's in the middle. 683 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,480 - Up higher. Up higher. Up higher. - Ooh! 684 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:29,440 Yeah, there, there. No, even further. 685 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:30,640 Is that Jon? 686 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:33,480 - That's each other's hands, yeah. - Nose. 687 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,560 - MOUSTACHE! - Oh, Moustache! - MOUSTACHE is exactly right, OK. 688 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:37,960 APPLAUSE 689 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,320 Next one. OK. 690 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:42,040 - Should really be... - All right, so reach in. Reach in. Gentle. 691 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:44,960 - Be gentle. - Oh! 692 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,760 Is it a creature? 693 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,720 It is a creature, yeah. What type of creature? 694 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:52,480 - Doggie? - What kind of a doggie? 695 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:53,880 - JOE GASPS - CHIHUAHUA! 696 00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:55,440 CHIHUAHUA is exactly right. 697 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:57,320 - Yay! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 698 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:58,480 KLAXON 699 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:01,080 And your time's up. Go and sit down. Marvellous, well done. 700 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:02,560 Well done. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 701 00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:06,560 OK. David, Jonathan, you're up. 702 00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:16,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 703 00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:17,720 Ladies and gentlemen, 704 00:34:17,720 --> 00:34:21,200 England's foremost children's author. 705 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:25,200 APPLAUSE 706 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:31,160 OK, your time starts when you feel the first object. OK? 707 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:33,400 Every object is spelt with nine letters. 708 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:34,760 - OK, there's your first one. - Ah! 709 00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:36,720 Right, reach in. Reach in. 710 00:34:36,720 --> 00:34:38,520 OK. In, in. 711 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:40,520 Down, it's on the tray, it's on the tray. 712 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:42,280 - Be careful, it's another messy one. - Whoa! 713 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:43,560 OK. 714 00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:45,280 - Is it...? - A BREAKFAST. - English BREAKFAST! 715 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,360 BREAKFAST, yeah. OK. 716 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:48,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 717 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:52,440 - Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy, I've got beans on my hand now. - It's OK. 718 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,480 Reach into the middle, reach into the middle. 719 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:58,480 It's OK, try not to touch each other's... 720 00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:02,120 - David! - Well, what is that?! 721 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,880 Think of me, David, think of my surname. 722 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:06,400 Um... 723 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:07,520 BUTTPLUG? 724 00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:09,200 No! 725 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:10,400 Oh, it's a... 726 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,760 A GEARSTICK! 727 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,680 GEARSTICK's exactly right, yes. 728 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 729 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,440 OK, this one... 730 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:19,120 This one you've got to go sort of down a bit, down. 731 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:21,440 It's sort of floor level. 732 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:23,160 You're asking for trouble. 733 00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:26,040 DAVID LAUGHS 734 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:28,160 - OK? - Ooh! 735 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:31,000 - STILETTO. - STILETTO's exactly right. 736 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:35,000 APPLAUSE 737 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:46,080 Get... Ow! Get back in. 738 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,720 - What is that? - That's a musical instrument. 739 00:35:51,720 --> 00:35:52,920 Yes. Which one? 740 00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:53,960 BOTH: ACCORDION. 741 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:55,680 ACCORDION is exactly right. 742 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:57,320 Got that so quickly. KLAXON 743 00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:58,760 OK, your time is up. 744 00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:00,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 745 00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:03,520 Well done. 746 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:07,240 JIMMY LAUGHS 747 00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:10,760 - Oh, my God. - They seem like nice boys, don't they? 748 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:12,280 They seem very nice. 749 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,520 So, David and Jonathan, you're the winning team there. 750 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:15,880 - You get five bonus points. - Yes! 751 00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,160 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - See? 752 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,520 Wasting your time with all these numbers and letters. 753 00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:23,040 OK, on with the game. 754 00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,120 David and Jonathan, your turn to choose the letters. 755 00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:27,720 Oh, not this again. 756 00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:31,360 That bit was much more fun. Can't we do that again? 757 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:34,480 - Ugh. Oh, vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant. - I'm sorry. 758 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,360 - Just a bit of Countdown. - Consonant, vowel. 759 00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:40,120 Consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant, consonant. 760 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:42,360 A, K, I, T, E, Z. 761 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:43,760 Ugh, Z?! 762 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:45,840 O, T. 763 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:47,160 Vowel. 764 00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:48,320 Vowel. 765 00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:49,600 - Quickly! - You've become... 766 00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:50,920 I 767 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,760 OK, and your time starts now. 768 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:57,760 What are we trying to find? A word? 769 00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:07,720 WEAKLY: I can't do it! 770 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:11,480 It's too hard. 771 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:12,760 David! 772 00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:14,840 (Do it!) 773 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:18,840 (Do it!) 774 00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:25,920 He's having a breakdown. 775 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,280 I can't do it! It's too hard! 776 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,600 It's hard and it's not fun! 777 00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:34,600 It's no fun at all, doing this! 778 00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:37,520 How many did you get, David? 779 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,000 KITE, KITE. 780 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,400 KITE. It's already in there. 781 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:43,320 - KITE. - So you got a four? Jonathan? 782 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:45,560 I got KITEZ, which is spelled with a Z, 783 00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:47,760 the way the kids say it. Like, you know... 784 00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:49,680 "Yeah, I got my KITEZ, I got my KITEZ." 785 00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:52,760 "Let's go fly KITEZ, innit. Bare KITEZ." 786 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:56,680 "Our KITEZ is well sick." 787 00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,840 - Good call. - Just meant to be street kids. 788 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,040 - How many did you get, Joe? - I got four, I got KITE as well. 789 00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:02,640 You got KITE as well? And Jon? 790 00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:04,880 I got TAKE. 791 00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:06,560 OK, so four points to both teams. 792 00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:08,680 Isy, Susie, could they have done any better? 793 00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:10,240 There is a plant called KITEA 794 00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:12,360 which is there for five. 795 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:13,680 But it's still a lousy five. 796 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:14,920 OK. So, at the end of that, 797 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:16,560 David and Jonathan have 9 points, 798 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,880 Jon and Joe are in the lead with 28. 799 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:22,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 800 00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:24,200 OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner. 801 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:25,520 Isy, what have you got for us? 802 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:28,320 Well, I've just been clearing out some old drawers recently, 803 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,760 and I found this picture. 804 00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:34,240 I drew this picture when I was at primary school... 805 00:38:34,240 --> 00:38:36,360 when we were asked to draw a picture 806 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:38,520 of what our dads did for a living. 807 00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:39,920 Not our mums, of course, 808 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:42,000 because this was the '80s and women didn't work, 809 00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:46,000 apart from once a month in the bedroom after Crossroads. 810 00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,760 So I drew this picture. This is a genuine picture that I drew, 811 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:50,360 and I hadn't looked at it for ages. 812 00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:52,840 But it's a burglar burgling a house. 813 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:54,120 You can tell that because 814 00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:57,680 he's got the international burglar costume on. 815 00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:00,040 So, yeah, there's a car parked nearby 816 00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:02,960 with a little girl in the back of it, with a pen and paper. 817 00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,320 Which was me. 818 00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,280 And he's about to go into the house. 819 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:07,640 So the teacher was a bit worried - 820 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:09,600 she was called Miss Colman - 821 00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:13,200 and she sat me down and said, "What's this?" 822 00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:17,200 And I said, "Well, my dad's a burglar and, um..." 823 00:39:17,720 --> 00:39:20,280 "..every night, after my mum's gone to sleep, 824 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,560 "he takes me out burgling with him. 825 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,520 "And, um, I'm not allowed to go in yet, but I sit in the back 826 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:30,280 "of the car and write down everything he's doing, 827 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:33,880 "so that, one day, I'll be able to take on his job." 828 00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:36,240 And she looked a bit concerned, and I said, 829 00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:40,240 "Oh, don't worry, he locks me in, so I'm safe." 830 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:42,840 And I said, "He's given me a whistle, 831 00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:45,040 "and he's told me to blow it if I see someone coming back 832 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:47,520 "to their house while he's burgling it." 833 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:49,640 She looked really worried at this point, the teacher, 834 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,560 and said, "Have you ever had to use the whistle?" 835 00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:52,840 And I said, "Actually, yes. 836 00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:54,960 "The other night, a woman was walking back towards 837 00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:57,280 "her house with a load of shopping and I saw her, 838 00:39:57,280 --> 00:39:59,280 "so I blew the whistle really loudly, 839 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,920 "and my dad got out the back of the house just in time, 840 00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:05,920 "with ?1,000 worth of jewellery and the board game Buckaroo." 841 00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:09,440 So she called my parents in and sat them down 842 00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:10,800 on those little blue chairs, 843 00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:13,760 and had to sort of sit there like they were being told off. 844 00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:15,720 She sat them down and genuinely said, 845 00:40:15,720 --> 00:40:19,720 "Are you a burglar, Dr Suttie?" 846 00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:23,080 - Ladies and gentlemen, Isy Suttie. - Yeah! 847 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:24,520 APPLAUSE 848 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:26,960 The scores at the moment - David and Jonathan have 9, 849 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:28,360 Jon and Joe have 28. 850 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:30,080 Here is your final teaser. 851 00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:31,560 The words are STIFF GUN. 852 00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:34,280 The clue is - force it into your trousers. 853 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:36,480 That's STIFF GUN - force it into your trousers. 854 00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:37,720 See you after the break. 855 00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:40,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 856 00:40:40,740 --> 00:40:41,780 Welcome back. 857 00:40:41,780 --> 00:40:43,780 The answer to the teaser - the words were STIFF GUN, 858 00:40:43,780 --> 00:40:45,540 the clue was "force it into your trousers." 859 00:40:45,540 --> 00:40:48,900 It was, of course, STUFFING. OK, time for our final letters game. 860 00:40:48,900 --> 00:40:51,100 Jon and Joe, your turn to choose the letters. 861 00:40:51,100 --> 00:40:54,860 Please, let me pick them. 862 00:40:54,860 --> 00:40:56,660 No, you go. 863 00:40:56,660 --> 00:40:59,220 A vowel, please. 864 00:40:59,220 --> 00:41:00,260 E 865 00:41:00,260 --> 00:41:02,300 I'll have a consonant, please. 866 00:41:02,300 --> 00:41:03,340 P 867 00:41:03,340 --> 00:41:07,340 - Two more consonants, and the rest vowels. - Whoa, there! Whoa, there. 868 00:41:09,660 --> 00:41:13,580 I'll take over from there, if I may. 869 00:41:13,580 --> 00:41:15,980 Let's try ONE vowel. 870 00:41:15,980 --> 00:41:17,020 E 871 00:41:17,020 --> 00:41:19,540 See how that looks, before we go crazy. 872 00:41:19,540 --> 00:41:22,540 - And let's have another one. - Yes. - To keep him quiet. 873 00:41:22,540 --> 00:41:23,580 A 874 00:41:23,580 --> 00:41:26,260 But then, by all means, let's have a consonant. - Oh, yeah. 875 00:41:26,260 --> 00:41:27,580 B 876 00:41:27,580 --> 00:41:29,780 And then another consonant. 877 00:41:29,780 --> 00:41:30,900 C 878 00:41:30,900 --> 00:41:33,740 I think this would have been better all vowels, mate, but... 879 00:41:33,740 --> 00:41:35,620 Well, you can pick the last one, then. 880 00:41:35,620 --> 00:41:38,540 Consonant, please. 881 00:41:38,540 --> 00:41:40,020 L 882 00:41:40,020 --> 00:41:44,020 OK, and your 30 seconds starts now. 883 00:41:48,780 --> 00:41:52,780 Oh, hello, my little puppies. Hello, babies. 884 00:41:56,740 --> 00:41:59,900 Oh! Oh, no. 885 00:41:59,900 --> 00:42:03,900 HE CHUCKLES 886 00:42:12,980 --> 00:42:16,980 Look at that! What do you think of my coat? 887 00:42:19,660 --> 00:42:23,380 - Nice! - So soft. - Nice. 888 00:42:23,380 --> 00:42:27,140 - SO soft. - Cruella de Carr. 889 00:42:27,140 --> 00:42:29,740 - How many did you get, Jon? - Six. 890 00:42:29,740 --> 00:42:33,740 - Joe? - I got five, cos I was distracted by the dogs. 891 00:42:33,860 --> 00:42:36,540 - Jonathan, how many? - Seven. 892 00:42:36,540 --> 00:42:40,540 - Seven? - TWO sevens. - All right! 893 00:42:40,900 --> 00:42:44,300 - David? - Got a six. - Got a six. 894 00:42:44,300 --> 00:42:46,100 OK, Joe, let's hear your five. 895 00:42:46,100 --> 00:42:49,180 - CLEAR. - OK. Jon, what's your six? 896 00:42:49,180 --> 00:42:53,180 Well, this came through the ouija board, 897 00:42:53,300 --> 00:42:56,820 and I don't know who it was, but they were very angry. 898 00:42:56,820 --> 00:43:00,340 Was it the dead dogs? 899 00:43:00,340 --> 00:43:03,340 Er, REAPEN. You know, when you REAPEN. 900 00:43:03,340 --> 00:43:07,260 The reaper. He REAPENs, don't he? 901 00:43:07,260 --> 00:43:11,260 It's how Yorkshire fruit becomes edible. 902 00:43:14,820 --> 00:43:18,820 "Don't touch that kiwi. It's not REAPENed yet." 903 00:43:26,300 --> 00:43:29,820 Right, I can say with confidence that existed in Anglo-Saxon times, 904 00:43:29,820 --> 00:43:32,340 just not any more. 905 00:43:32,340 --> 00:43:36,340 - OK, David, what was your six? - P-A-L-B-E-R, PALBER. 906 00:43:38,700 --> 00:43:41,500 PALBER, yeah. The traditional spelling of PALBER. 907 00:43:41,500 --> 00:43:45,500 - PALBER. What is a PALBER? - It's someone who palbs. 908 00:43:48,380 --> 00:43:51,580 - No. - What? - No. 909 00:43:51,580 --> 00:43:54,900 - You're joking me. - OK, Jonathan, it all comes down to your seven. 910 00:43:54,900 --> 00:43:55,980 I've got CLEANER. 911 00:43:55,980 --> 00:43:58,380 - Well done! - JOE: Aww! 912 00:43:58,380 --> 00:44:01,460 - CLEANER. - Yeah. - APPLAUSE 913 00:44:01,460 --> 00:44:05,460 Seven points to Jonathan. 914 00:44:06,380 --> 00:44:08,140 Susie, could they have done any better? Isy? 915 00:44:08,140 --> 00:44:12,140 There's also ENABLER and REPLACE. They're all sevens. 916 00:44:12,180 --> 00:44:16,180 OK. So, David and Jonathan now have 16 points, Jon and Joe have 28. 917 00:44:16,180 --> 00:44:18,700 APPLAUSE 918 00:44:18,700 --> 00:44:21,460 - Catching up. - Everything to play for. 919 00:44:21,460 --> 00:44:23,660 Everything to play for in the final round. 920 00:44:23,660 --> 00:44:26,460 - No, no, there isn't. Everybody clearly... - Everything to play for. 921 00:44:26,460 --> 00:44:28,260 - We feel we can still do it. - No, there isn't, no. 922 00:44:28,260 --> 00:44:30,340 Everything still to play for in this final round. 923 00:44:30,340 --> 00:44:32,100 Er, no, there isn't everything to play for. 924 00:44:32,100 --> 00:44:34,460 Maybe if you just give us double points in this next round. 925 00:44:34,460 --> 00:44:37,260 - Double the points, double the money. - Then we're in with a solid chance. 926 00:44:37,260 --> 00:44:39,660 Let me just ask the dead. 927 00:44:39,660 --> 00:44:42,660 Oh, no, they don't like that idea at all. 928 00:44:42,660 --> 00:44:45,020 OK, so they're saying in my ear there are 13 points on offer 929 00:44:45,020 --> 00:44:46,180 for the conundrum today. 930 00:44:46,180 --> 00:44:48,780 Hold it, I can't do the maths to work out whether we can still win. 931 00:44:48,780 --> 00:44:51,140 - So does that let us win? - That means you could win, yeah, sure. 932 00:44:51,140 --> 00:44:52,820 - If you get the conundrum. - I think, though, 933 00:44:52,820 --> 00:44:56,420 if they don't know that, then they don't deserve to win. 934 00:44:56,420 --> 00:44:58,540 Yeah, we're really going to go for it now, OK? 935 00:44:58,540 --> 00:45:02,540 We're going to teach you a lesson. Get on with it! Come on. 936 00:45:03,500 --> 00:45:05,220 OK, for 13 points, fingers on buzzers, 937 00:45:05,220 --> 00:45:07,580 it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum. 938 00:45:07,580 --> 00:45:08,820 And your time starts now. 939 00:45:08,820 --> 00:45:12,820 What are we trying to do? 940 00:45:26,180 --> 00:45:28,420 Ah... 941 00:45:28,420 --> 00:45:29,900 David. 942 00:45:29,900 --> 00:45:32,340 - Chemistry. - Let's have a look and see. 943 00:45:32,340 --> 00:45:36,340 APPLAUSE 944 00:45:37,260 --> 00:45:41,260 Thank you, thank you. 945 00:45:41,300 --> 00:45:44,780 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 946 00:45:44,780 --> 00:45:48,300 A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 947 00:45:48,300 --> 00:45:50,820 OK, so the final scores - Jon and Joe have 28 points, 948 00:45:50,820 --> 00:45:53,820 but tonight's winners with 29 - David and Jonathan! 949 00:45:53,820 --> 00:45:57,420 APPLAUSE 950 00:45:57,420 --> 00:45:58,620 Congratulations, 951 00:45:58,620 --> 00:46:01,980 you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown Scuba Set! 952 00:46:01,980 --> 00:46:04,420 Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, 953 00:46:04,420 --> 00:46:05,900 and to all of you for watching at home. 954 00:46:05,900 --> 00:46:09,900 That's it from us. Goodnight. 955 00:46:34,100 --> 00:46:40,300 Subtitles by Ericsson