1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,910
Red Dwarf Season 11 Episode 02 - Samsara
In memory of J.H.S. SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.

2
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Five!

3
00:01:08,580 --> 00:01:10,650
One, two, three, four, five.

4
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Fuel.

5
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Well?

6
00:01:14,290 --> 00:01:18,820
Mmmm...
What to do, what to do?

7
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Free fuel - get refill for free,
and throw again.

8
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Let's see.

9
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:32,910
How come you keep
getting great cards?

10
00:01:32,910 --> 00:01:34,000
It's a mystery, isn't it?

11
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I've never been beaten
at Mineopoly, Lister.

12
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Undefeated since birth.

13
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In the Space Scouts,

14
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my game play was so legendary,
they called me Minotaur.

15
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Is that cause you were half a man
who was full of bull?

16
00:01:51,220 --> 00:01:52,830
Because I was like the
mythological beast

17
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,870
that no one could pass.

18
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Well, you better not
throw a 2 and a 1 then, Rimmer.

19
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,920
Throw a 2 and a 1 and land on
my space station,

20
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and your bank is 'rupted, baby.

21
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Lister, I'm not gonna
throw a 2 and a 1.

22
00:02:05,430 --> 00:02:07,330
The odds of that are...

23
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eighteen to one.
It's not happening.

24
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:15,680
I win, you can't complain
about anything I do for entire week.

25
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I remember the deal.

26
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I win, I can move my lips
when I read.

27
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I can leave peetra (?)
on the floor

28
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so that you step in it.

29
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I can even snore like an
inebriated warthog

30
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and you can't throw
frozen onion bhajis at me.

31
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The good times are gonna roll!

32
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Lister, there's only gonna be
one winner here,

33
00:02:34,950 --> 00:02:36,950
And that's votres truly.

34
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And when I do,
as agreed,

35
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you are going to wear
an evening gown,

36
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day and night,
until you can play

37
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James Last's Polka Party
on the bagpipes.

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Here we go!

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Anything but a 2 and a 1.

40
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A 2 and a 1.
Come to Daddy!

41
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No willing it.

42
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I'm willing it. I'm allowed to will it.
I'm willing it.

43
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Stop willing it! You're good at willing it.
No willing it!

44
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Come on...

45
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Out! Doesn't count!
Doesn't count!

46
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One of the dice
came off the table!

47
00:03:09,810 --> 00:03:11,610
Re-throw required.

48
00:03:15,450 --> 00:03:16,850
That doesn't count.

49
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I used my hands, an illegal move.
Naughty me!

50
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,400
Re-throw required.

51
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,520
5,382 to 1.
No chance.

52
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:36,520
You couldn't make this up!

53
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Wait.

54
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You throw.

55
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Swap chairs!

56
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Throw.

57
00:04:04,170 --> 00:04:09,000
Do you now accept that you
threw a 2 and a 1 and you lost this game?!

58
00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:20,660
Okay!
I accept it!!

59
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:24,200
Just lucky for you,
I'm such a good loser!!!!

60
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,230
Hey,

61
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This green blinky thing,
we've any idea what it is yet?

62
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It's an escape pod, Sir.

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And it seems
to be emitting

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an unclassified
energy field

65
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that's causing
minute disruptions

66
00:04:50,070 --> 00:04:51,810
to everything in
the local vicinity.

67
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,210
Pretty much
as I figured, then!

68
00:04:54,930 --> 00:04:56,140
Talk in English, would ya!?

69
00:04:56,140 --> 00:04:58,170
I'm not fluent in gibberish!!

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This is the S.S. Samsara Escape Pod,
Ident 12/Beta Two.

71
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Can you read me, over?

72
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Y-yes, we copy, Ident 12/Beta two.

73
00:05:07,790 --> 00:05:11,120
This is very important,
you must.....

74
00:05:13,510 --> 00:05:15,390
What happened?!?
We lose the link?!?

75
00:05:15,390 --> 00:05:16,350
No matter, Sir.

76
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:19,350
I'll remote control
the pod into the cargo bay.

77
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Who eats ice cream in bed?
It's just utterly..

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Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.

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No complaining.

80
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And no complaining about not being able
to complain about not complaining.

81
00:05:38,410 --> 00:05:39,850
An entire week,

82
00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:41,840
without being
moaned at by you.

83
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,800
It doesn't get
better than this!

84
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,040
Do you know what
the difference is

85
00:05:45,050 --> 00:05:46,290
between you and me?

86
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I can't store hand luggage
in me nostrils.

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I am cursed.

88
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I remember the
day it happened.

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I was nine years old and this
busker claimed he was an alien

90
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,150
and wanted to sell me
some lucky space dust.

91
00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:07,410
Even at nine,
I was no fool.

92
00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:09,460
I knew he was real.

93
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,530
But all I had
was my hover fare

94
00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:15,760
to get me home from
baton twirling practice.

95
00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:19,970
And as I walked off,
he cursed me for life

96
00:06:19,970 --> 00:06:22,570
and I've never had
any luck since.

97
00:06:22,780 --> 00:06:25,110
It was just some
homeless bloke, Rimmer,

98
00:06:25,110 --> 00:06:26,340
trying to make a buck.

99
00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:28,540
You cant take things
like that seriously.

100
00:06:28,750 --> 00:06:31,320
Smeg happens.
You just roll with it.

101
00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:35,610
I've been rolling in smeg
my whole damned life, Lister.

102
00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:39,080
Don't lecture me
about smeg-rolling.

103
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I never get the breaks.

104
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,410
Oh here we go,
"Whereas you..."

105
00:06:43,410 --> 00:06:45,550
Whereas you...
"...lead a charmed life."

106
00:06:45,550 --> 00:06:47,130
lead a charmed life!
Well it's true - you do!

107
00:06:47,130 --> 00:06:49,210
I'm alone in
deep space with you!

108
00:06:49,210 --> 00:06:51,410
How charmed is that?!

109
00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:54,040
The crew got wiped out,
you survived - that's charmed.

110
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I survived to live the rest of my life
with you - not charmed!

111
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I'm dead!
How unlucky is that?!?

112
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You're dead but
you're still talking to me!

113
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,170
How unlucky is that?!?

114
00:07:04,170 --> 00:07:05,570
Bing bong!

115
00:07:05,580 --> 00:07:09,380
Sorry, Sirs. The bing bong machine
is being serviced this evening.

116
00:07:09,390 --> 00:07:11,490
I'm afraid we're on manual.

117
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Sorry to disturb,

118
00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:16,020
but we've salvaged an escape pod
with two survivors.

119
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One Colonel Jim Green,
and one Professor Rachel Barker.

120
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,440
We're just about to
open the booth

121
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and take them to the
science room for debriefing.

122
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,810
Message ends.
Bing bong!

123
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Acting Senior Commanding Officer
Arnold J. Rimmer,

124
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:33,450
an absolute pleasure
to meet you.

125
00:07:33,570 --> 00:07:34,420
Uh, Sir. Uh.

126
00:07:34,420 --> 00:07:37,220
Colonel Green,
and Professor Barker.

127
00:07:40,630 --> 00:07:41,930
They're dead!

128
00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:43,680
Hey, their medical
reports aren't in yet.

129
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,480
We shouldn't jump
to conclusions!

130
00:07:47,470 --> 00:07:49,570
We spoke to Barker
then the link went down.

131
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,640
When we opened the pod,
we discovered this.

132
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:52,820
What happened?!?

133
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:54,940
Well, they appear
to have been vaporized, Sir.

134
00:07:54,940 --> 00:07:56,650
Quite how and why,
we're not sure.

135
00:07:56,660 --> 00:07:57,770
What do we know
about them?

136
00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,790
Well, the log
tells us that Green

137
00:07:59,790 --> 00:08:01,160
was the ship's human

138
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,380
exploration and
mission director.

139
00:08:03,380 --> 00:08:05,250
Barker was a
computer scientist.

140
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,970
They were both married,
but not to each other.

141
00:08:07,970 --> 00:08:08,770
Surprising!

142
00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:11,960
They look like they'd be
the perfect match!

143
00:08:13,530 --> 00:08:15,780
What became of the ship
the escape pod escaped from?

144
00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:17,420
The S.S. Samsara.

145
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,210
Have we any idea
what happened to that?

146
00:08:19,210 --> 00:08:21,480
Well, judging from the
pod's flight recorder,

147
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:23,130
and the fact that there is
no wreckage,

148
00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:26,340
we believe the ship must have
crashed on this ocean moon.

149
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,250
It seems to me we should
do two things:

150
00:08:28,250 --> 00:08:30,290
One - scatter the ashes.

151
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:32,860
And two - find this ship.

152
00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:40,560
On to two, then.
Find this ship!

153
00:09:08,070 --> 00:09:10,540
So, what are we
hoping to find here?

154
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,660
Faster than light drive,
quantum computer -

155
00:09:13,660 --> 00:09:14,570
but to be honest,

156
00:09:14,570 --> 00:09:17,000
I'd settle for a
bubble gum dispenser.

157
00:09:20,510 --> 00:09:23,540
I wonder what happened
to Barker and Green.

158
00:09:23,910 --> 00:09:25,810
Wrist please.
Thank you.

159
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:29,650
Sirs?

160
00:09:29,650 --> 00:09:31,630
Professor Barker
reporting for duty.

161
00:09:31,630 --> 00:09:33,830
Welcome to the Samsara,
Professor.

162
00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:35,110
This is my colleague,
Colonel Green.

163
00:09:35,110 --> 00:09:36,120
Anka.

164
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,940
We were both stationed on
Caicos 12, Sir.

165
00:09:38,940 --> 00:09:40,490
Ah, Caicos 12,
of course, yes.

166
00:09:40,490 --> 00:09:41,940
We discovered
my wife attended

167
00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:44,010
the same college
as your husband.

168
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:47,180
I must get on.
I'll catch up with you later, Jim.

169
00:09:47,510 --> 00:09:48,670
Now remind me,

170
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,860
You were a computer
scientist specializing in...

171
00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:52,380
What was it again?

172
00:09:52,390 --> 00:09:54,700
I've missed you much!

173
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:55,910
I thought you'd never
get the transfer.

174
00:09:55,910 --> 00:09:57,010
Nor me.

175
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,530
Let's go to my quarters.

176
00:10:03,550 --> 00:10:04,780
Look at this dust.

177
00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:06,190
I love dust.

178
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,600
After fluff, it's my
all-time favorite dirt!

179
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:13,310
We've any idea what caused
this crate to crash?

180
00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:15,020
Nothing yet, Sir.

181
00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:17,060
It's a state-of-the-art
research ship,

182
00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:19,490
with self-repairing
engine parts!

183
00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:21,890
Crashing should have been
out of the question.

184
00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:23,630
What's this?!

185
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,480
Well, you can see
why they crashed.

186
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:33,270
Tell me about it.

187
00:10:33,270 --> 00:10:34,480
How can you fly a space ship,

188
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,170
and at the exact same time,

189
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:38,000
all play Twister?!

190
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,400
I don't think it was Twister
they were playing.

191
00:10:42,890 --> 00:10:44,910
Not properly,
that's for sure.

192
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:47,200
Twister is a
three-player game.

193
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,800
Everyone here's just
waded right in!

194
00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:53,490
Hey!
Wait your turn, buddy!

195
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:54,860
What's the rush?

196
00:10:55,850 --> 00:10:58,550
This is worse than freshers'
week at art school.

197
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,250
How did they die like this?
It doesn't make sense.

198
00:11:02,250 --> 00:11:03,840
According to
the psi-scan,

199
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,070
they were flash-heated to death!

200
00:11:06,130 --> 00:11:07,140
An instant blast

201
00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:09,970
of extreme temperature
killing them instantly,

202
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,570
but preserving their body positions.

203
00:11:12,570 --> 00:11:13,670
Spooky!!

204
00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:15,250
Agreed, Sir!

205
00:11:15,450 --> 00:11:18,000
A cold chill has just run
straight down my spine.

206
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,000
Eh, that was me - just spilled
some lager down your back.

207
00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:25,110
Who turned that on?

208
00:11:25,110 --> 00:11:27,520
The mainframe probably
detected us.

209
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,320
Check this!

210
00:11:31,540 --> 00:11:34,030
According to his dog tag,
this man was the captain.

211
00:11:34,030 --> 00:11:35,330
Tom Cadry.

212
00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:37,410
Indecipherable gibberish.

213
00:11:37,410 --> 00:11:38,820
What kind of writing is that?
Gelf?

214
00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:41,590
Looks like Welsh after
about 15 pints.

215
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,420
Strange, that dialect is not
on my data base.

216
00:11:44,420 --> 00:11:47,180
Maybe it is Welsh after
about 15 pints.

217
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,460
I wonder...

218
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:49,890
Sir,

219
00:11:49,890 --> 00:11:51,490
would you mind
sitting down?

220
00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:53,590
What,
me?

221
00:11:56,070 --> 00:11:57,980
Dictation on.

222
00:11:57,980 --> 00:11:59,660
Permission to strangle you, Sir.

223
00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:05,120
What?!
Granted!

224
00:12:11,170 --> 00:12:12,900
So maybe the captain
was strangled,

225
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,600
by this person here,
who's been stabbed!

226
00:12:15,870 --> 00:12:18,430
Perhaps the next hub
will offer a clue!

227
00:12:19,250 --> 00:12:22,420
Thanks for that, Kryten.
Very well explained!

228
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,830
Jim, I'm so sorry
I'm late!

229
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,130
That's all right.
It's only been an hour.

230
00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:31,610
I think I must have eaten
some bad fish last night.

231
00:12:31,610 --> 00:12:33,710
I've been feeling
really ill.

232
00:12:33,770 --> 00:12:35,500
Shall we go to your place?

233
00:12:36,430 --> 00:12:37,540
What happened
to your back?

234
00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:38,880
Argh - herniated disc.

235
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,780
I've been having
the worst luck recently.

236
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,670
Nothing of interest here.
Let's try the next one.

237
00:12:55,910 --> 00:12:57,420
Look at this!

238
00:12:57,420 --> 00:13:00,860
A one-armed bandit!
How cool is this?!?

239
00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:02,940
I need a coin!

240
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,620
I'm an orphan, ain't I?

241
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,730
Why can't I take money
from the orphan fund?

242
00:13:10,730 --> 00:13:11,670
Are you really
going to take it?

243
00:13:11,670 --> 00:13:13,020
Who's gonna know?

244
00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:13,870
Only you.

245
00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:15,950
And your conscience.

246
00:13:15,950 --> 00:13:18,020
Forrreeeevvvveeerrrr!!

247
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,830
Just relax, would ya?

248
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,810
Ooh!
What was that?

249
00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:36,310
What was what?

250
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,460
Something just dripped
on my head from the ceiling.

251
00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:39,800
Where?

252
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,200
Up there,
I think.

253
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:45,330
What the hell is happening?!?!

254
00:13:45,330 --> 00:13:46,680
Get me outta this thing!!!

255
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,140
I'll get something to cut it!
Don't move!!

256
00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:50,940
Like I'm gonna move!!

257
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,220
Sorry!

258
00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:03,030
I saved you, Bud!

259
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:11,370
Whatever you do,
don't move!!

260
00:14:11,370 --> 00:14:13,870
I gotta knife in my foot!
You think I can move?!

261
00:14:13,870 --> 00:14:15,430
I'm just going to
ease it out.

262
00:14:15,430 --> 00:14:16,760
Ease it out, right?!?

263
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:17,860
Nice and easy.

264
00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:19,450
And you're not just saying
that to make me relax

265
00:14:19,450 --> 00:14:22,270
'cause you think the best thing to do
is to jerk that sucker outta there

266
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,180
with one big-assed yank!?
Aaaargh!!

267
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:28,180
I had no choice!
It was the only way to get it out!

268
00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:31,960
I think I've
gone blind!

269
00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:36,190
It-it must be something
to do with my foot!

270
00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:39,210
I got foot-in-eye
disease!!

271
00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:43,000
Cat, relax man.
It's just a power cut.

272
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,600
What a relief!

273
00:14:44,710 --> 00:14:48,610
For a second there I thought
I'd never see myself again!

274
00:14:49,710 --> 00:14:51,680
Plus having to choose
an outfit every day

275
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,650
that matches
your guide dog!!

276
00:14:54,730 --> 00:14:56,160
Don't even go there!

277
00:14:57,790 --> 00:14:59,420
The door's locking!

278
00:15:00,730 --> 00:15:03,030
Sir, the doors are double-sealed.
We'll never get through!

279
00:15:03,030 --> 00:15:04,330
So what do we do?!

280
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,440
Suggest we head for
the next chamber,

281
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,040
and see if there's
an access port

282
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,340
back to the main hub.

283
00:15:10,850 --> 00:15:11,880
Where's your torch?

284
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,510
I left it in the
other chamber!

285
00:15:13,510 --> 00:15:15,640
I left mine, too.
I can't see a thing!

286
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,140
Give my eyes
a minute to adjust.

287
00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:20,900
Oh, wow!

288
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:23,100
What? They're readjusting?
What'd you see?

289
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:24,900
That it's really dark?

290
00:15:26,330 --> 00:15:28,010
Can't you see that?

291
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,180
Of course I can see that,
you smeghead!

292
00:15:30,420 --> 00:15:32,330
Well you can see
in the dark, right?

293
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:34,720
With your super-seey
cat's eyes, right?!

294
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,220
And you can swing
from trees, right?

295
00:15:36,220 --> 00:15:39,390
With your super-swinging
monkey arms, right?!

296
00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:41,440
We evolved!

297
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,450
So did we!

298
00:15:42,450 --> 00:15:44,880
Who'd evolve so that they
can't see in the dark!?

299
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,950
Who'd evolve so they
can't swing from trees?!

300
00:15:48,790 --> 00:15:50,450
You'd never be late
for anything!

301
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,150
Kryten!

302
00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:53,470
Rimmer!

303
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:54,900
Help!!!

304
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,050
I suppose we've just
gotta sit tight.

305
00:15:58,060 --> 00:15:59,540
I'm gonna fix my foot.

306
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:01,440
I'll get the first aid kit.
You sit down.

307
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,930
Can't see a thing!

308
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,730
What the hell was that?!?

309
00:16:43,730 --> 00:16:46,030
Ship's slipping into the mush.

310
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,550
W-we're gonna die,
I just know it!

311
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,910
How come you're
so damned chill?!?

312
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:52,990
We've gotta stay cool,
haven't we?

313
00:16:52,990 --> 00:16:55,050
We don't want the ship
sliding any more.

314
00:16:55,050 --> 00:16:57,750
We'll sit tight here,
fix your foot,

315
00:16:57,910 --> 00:17:00,790
wait for the others to find us,
and then we get out of town.

316
00:17:00,790 --> 00:17:02,780
You're right.
Stay calm.

317
00:17:02,780 --> 00:17:03,970
We've got food,
water,

318
00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:05,490
everything we need!

319
00:17:05,490 --> 00:17:06,720
You and me,

320
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:10,120
we can survive in here for days,
weeks, months even!

321
00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:12,690
Just the two of us!

322
00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:14,790
Kryten!!!!!

323
00:17:20,310 --> 00:17:21,650
Sir!
Are you okay?

324
00:17:21,650 --> 00:17:23,750
I think so.

325
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,220
What is that?!

326
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:34,100
I believe it's a Karma Drive, Sir.

327
00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:35,120
A what?

328
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,960
It's based on the old
Justice World tech,

329
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,390
where the pain an individual
inflicts on another

330
00:17:40,390 --> 00:17:42,290
is redirected
back on them.

331
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:44,480
With one important difference -

332
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,500
the Karma Drive has two modes.

333
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,400
A punishment setting,
and a reward setting.

334
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:50,790
What's the point of that?

335
00:17:50,830 --> 00:17:53,650
They were designed for
long-haul space missions.

336
00:17:53,650 --> 00:17:55,870
They were intended
to promote teamwork,

337
00:17:55,870 --> 00:17:59,280
reward kindness, understanding,
and ethical behavior.

338
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,000
So, how does it work, exactly?

339
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,500
Well it creates a Karma field
that analyzes behavior,

340
00:18:04,590 --> 00:18:08,290
and then manipulates reality
to reward or punish.

341
00:18:08,550 --> 00:18:11,420
So when you behave ethically,
the ship rewards you.

342
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:12,680
How?

343
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,190
Your coffee is fresh,
your shower is warm,

344
00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:16,780
your food is tasty.

345
00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:18,200
Well that doesn't make sense.

346
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,880
Morality changes across
time and cultures.

347
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,360
Once slavery was
an accepted way of life.

348
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,470
Now it's considered
repugnant.

349
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:28,040
Who decides what's
immoral and moral?

350
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,590
Well, it's programmable, Sir.

351
00:18:29,590 --> 00:18:31,070
And that's what made
the Karma Drive

352
00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:32,840
such a dangerous
piece of kit.

353
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,650
Anyone can implement
the moral code of their choice,

354
00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:37,540
and then force others
to live by it.

355
00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,850
I wonder if that's what happened
to me on Red Dwarf

356
00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:41,610
when I lost at Mineopoly.

357
00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:45,500
Did Red Dwarf enter
the Karma Drive's field?

358
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:48,130
Was the drive manipulating
the dice somehow?

359
00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:49,600
I don't understand, Sir.

360
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,970
I threw a 2 and a 1
seven times in a row.

361
00:18:51,970 --> 00:18:53,100
What are the odds of that?

362
00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:55,280
62 million to 1, Sir.

363
00:18:55,510 --> 00:18:58,440
About the same as being killed
by a tangerine.

364
00:19:01,330 --> 00:19:03,890
Why punish me?
I wasn't doing anything wrong!

365
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,420
Kryten, this Karma Drive
is too unpredictable.

366
00:19:06,420 --> 00:19:08,120
We've gotta get
out of here pronto.

367
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:10,150
Sir, there is no
cause for alarm.

368
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:11,570
we're under no danger

369
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:13,710
as long as we don't do
anything vindictive,

370
00:19:13,710 --> 00:19:15,510
selfish,
or unethical.

371
00:19:15,750 --> 00:19:17,280
Kryten, we're in big trouble.

372
00:19:18,890 --> 00:19:21,060
Sir, you just have to
be nice to me.

373
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,580
Big, big trouble.

374
00:19:23,610 --> 00:19:26,030
The Karma Drive report has just
come down from central ops,

375
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,240
and it doesn't make for
pleasant reading.

376
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,830
You both have committed
a whole range of misdemeanors.

377
00:19:30,830 --> 00:19:32,450
There's a Karma Drive
on board?

378
00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:33,280
Last week alone:

379
00:19:33,290 --> 00:19:35,730
Extra-marital sex 18 times?

380
00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:38,430
Extra-marital fondling 67 times!

381
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,070
Extra-marital licking whipped cream off...
We get the picture!

382
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,190
It goes on!

383
00:19:43,190 --> 00:19:46,590
You, Rachel, have lied this week to
your husband and others 93 times?!

384
00:19:46,590 --> 00:19:47,740
That's just not true!

385
00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:49,240
94 times!

386
00:19:50,060 --> 00:19:52,580
You've been unkind 20 times,
criticized others 40 times,

387
00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:54,260
and not said "thank you" twice?!

388
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,260
Captain,

389
00:19:55,370 --> 00:19:57,270
We're in love.

390
00:19:57,420 --> 00:19:59,050
When you signed up
for this tour of duty,

391
00:19:59,050 --> 00:20:02,200
you agreed to abide by the moral code
selected for this ship.

392
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,850
So we're all supposed to
live the Mega Core dream,

393
00:20:04,860 --> 00:20:08,670
where the married stay married,
and sons call their fathers, "Sir!"

394
00:20:08,670 --> 00:20:11,340
and everyone eats lots of
homemade apple pie!

395
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,500
You got it - so start squirting
your whip cream on apple pie,

396
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:17,130
and not on one another's
body parts!

397
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,020
Hey!

398
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,560
Good job on the foot, Bud!

399
00:20:23,550 --> 00:20:25,650
Even managed
to save the boot!

400
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,080
We've gotta think
of a way to get out of here.

401
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,360
Nah, just give me like 10 minutes.
I'll bet I come up with a plan.

402
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:36,060
I get great ideas all the time.
I just don't say 'em out loud!

403
00:20:37,180 --> 00:20:38,880
You say everything
you think out loud.

404
00:20:38,950 --> 00:20:42,080
I'm like that inventor guy -
b-begins with "R".

405
00:20:42,790 --> 00:20:44,270
Rosenthal?
Sidney Rosenthal?

406
00:20:44,270 --> 00:20:45,080
Who?

407
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,180
Invented the magic marker.

408
00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:47,580
Magic marker?!

409
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,950
The guy I'm talking about
is real!

410
00:20:49,950 --> 00:20:53,450
He ain't no wizard out of
a book with his magic pen!!

411
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,310
Inventor guy.
Begins with an "R"...

412
00:20:56,310 --> 00:20:58,070
I-I-I got it!
I got it!

413
00:20:58,070 --> 00:20:59,510
The inventor guy I'm like!

414
00:20:59,510 --> 00:21:00,640
Begins with "R"!

415
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:01,660
Who?

416
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:03,360
Archimedes!

417
00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:06,310
Archimedes.

418
00:21:06,310 --> 00:21:07,710
Archimedes!

419
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,520
The guy that sat under trees
and invented stuff!

420
00:21:10,630 --> 00:21:11,700
That was Newton.

421
00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:13,600
You never heard this story?

422
00:21:14,250 --> 00:21:17,950
So, one day Archimedes
is sitting under a tree.

423
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,830
The all of a sudden
out of nowhere,

424
00:21:19,830 --> 00:21:21,310
this bath hits him
on the head

425
00:21:21,310 --> 00:21:22,310
POW!!

426
00:21:23,910 --> 00:21:27,510
And he gets up, shouts "formica",
and invents gravy!

427
00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:32,320
It was Newton who was sat
under the tree.

428
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,340
and he discovered gravity

429
00:21:34,340 --> 00:21:36,540
when he got hit on the
head by an apple.

430
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:38,440
An apple can't concuss ya!

431
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,410
That ain't gonna make you
stagger around,

432
00:21:40,410 --> 00:21:42,810
shout "formica"
and invent gravy!

433
00:21:45,230 --> 00:21:49,930
Formica is a heat-resistant,
wipe clean, plastic laminate.

434
00:21:50,020 --> 00:21:51,520
Who'd shout "formica"?

435
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,260
It doesn't make any sense.

436
00:21:53,260 --> 00:21:55,360
No one shouts "formica"!

437
00:21:55,740 --> 00:21:57,530
You get hit on the
head with a bath,

438
00:21:57,530 --> 00:21:59,560
everyone shouts "formica"!

439
00:22:00,900 --> 00:22:02,670
Look, Archimedes discovered

440
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,440
something to do with
water displacement

441
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:08,810
when he was sat in the bath,
and he shouted "eureka!"

442
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:10,800
So,

443
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,930
Mr. Ellen Einstein,

444
00:22:15,980 --> 00:22:17,480
Answer me this:

445
00:22:17,530 --> 00:22:20,220
Who invented gravy?
No one?

446
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:22,490
Did it just magically
appear one day

447
00:22:22,490 --> 00:22:24,820
like your stupid
wizard pen?!

448
00:22:26,570 --> 00:22:28,970
Gotta have
some pain killers.

449
00:22:30,060 --> 00:22:31,160
Okay, listen.

450
00:22:32,540 --> 00:22:33,940
Answer me this:

451
00:22:34,250 --> 00:22:36,070
How does a bath
fall out of a tree?

452
00:22:36,070 --> 00:22:38,270
A plane, dummy!

453
00:22:39,050 --> 00:22:40,750
Taking off!

454
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,780
They probably forgot
to shut the back door!

455
00:22:43,790 --> 00:22:47,020
And the bath slid all the way
from first class.

456
00:22:47,060 --> 00:22:48,260
WHOOSH!

457
00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:50,020
Through the curtains,
into business -

458
00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:51,020
WHOOSH!

459
00:22:51,020 --> 00:22:52,910
Through the curtains,
into premium -

460
00:22:52,910 --> 00:22:53,900
WHOOSH!

461
00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:57,600
Through the curtains,
and straight into the poor people section.

462
00:22:58,490 --> 00:22:59,500
Who incidentally,

463
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:01,810
probably still haven't
even had a bag of peanuts,

464
00:23:01,810 --> 00:23:04,010
while the dudes in first
have already eaten,

465
00:23:04,020 --> 00:23:07,390
watched a movie,
and are all now having a bath!

466
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,390
Meanwhile Arcie's
sitting under his tree.

467
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:12,410
CLANG!

468
00:23:12,410 --> 00:23:13,910
Invents gravy.

469
00:23:17,150 --> 00:23:19,070
And because everyone's
so damned happy

470
00:23:19,070 --> 00:23:20,610
because everybody
loves gravy, right?

471
00:23:20,610 --> 00:23:23,760
they gave him a special hat
to wear at night

472
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,530
to cover up the bruising!

473
00:23:27,770 --> 00:23:29,470
Special hat?

474
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:31,800
They gave him a knighthood.

475
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:35,180
A "knight" "hood".

476
00:23:35,860 --> 00:23:39,030
Not a special hat to wear
at night to cover up the bruising!

477
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:40,350
Man,

478
00:23:40,350 --> 00:23:44,320
I try to teach you stuff...
I don't know why I bother!

479
00:23:45,970 --> 00:23:47,410
What's that saying?!

480
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,420
You can lead a
hearse to water,

481
00:23:49,420 --> 00:23:51,320
but you can't
make it sink!

482
00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:55,550
K-Kryten!!!

483
00:23:56,270 --> 00:23:57,670
Help!!!

484
00:24:01,990 --> 00:24:04,090
720 meters, Sir.

485
00:24:04,150 --> 00:24:05,850
The ship's nearly
at crush depth.

486
00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:08,570
The Karma Drive is controlling
everything on board.

487
00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:10,570
We have to be kind
to one another

488
00:24:10,570 --> 00:24:13,740
to stand any chance to save
Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat!

489
00:24:13,780 --> 00:24:15,630
An excellent suggestion, Kryten.

490
00:24:15,630 --> 00:24:17,060
That's very insightful of you

491
00:24:17,060 --> 00:24:18,270
to make such a
helpful recommendation,

492
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:19,980
and I thank you greatly.

493
00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:23,320
Static!!

494
00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:26,340
I was complimenting you!

495
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,000
Why did it punish me?

496
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,100
Perhaps it wasn't
genuine, Sir.

497
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,720
I've got to be genuinely nice?

498
00:24:33,730 --> 00:24:35,760
Oh, this is impossible!

499
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,190
Oh dear.

500
00:24:37,190 --> 00:24:38,290
What?

501
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,030
I think I know what
killed the crew, Sir.

502
00:24:41,030 --> 00:24:43,130
The ship's quantum
motherboards

503
00:24:43,260 --> 00:24:45,390
are power loading
to flash-heat the ship!

504
00:24:45,390 --> 00:24:46,840
We're going to get
flash heated?!

505
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,120
How long have we got?!

506
00:24:48,130 --> 00:24:49,990
I'm not sure, Sir.

507
00:24:49,990 --> 00:24:51,640
Ugh.
Why am I asking you?

508
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,590
Someone with a head
shaped like something

509
00:24:53,590 --> 00:24:56,430
produced in a
geriatrics pottery class?

510
00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:02,110
The power loading
has stopped, Sir!

511
00:25:02,110 --> 00:25:03,610
The temperature's cooling?

512
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:04,620
Why?

513
00:25:04,620 --> 00:25:06,490
Of course!
That's it!

514
00:25:07,370 --> 00:25:11,240
Man, she was the
greatest soldier in history!

515
00:25:11,460 --> 00:25:13,720
Led her people
to victory!!

516
00:25:14,070 --> 00:25:15,470
Julie Caesar.

517
00:25:19,090 --> 00:25:20,740
Kryten!
Thank God!!

518
00:25:20,740 --> 00:25:22,140
Thank God!

519
00:25:22,290 --> 00:25:24,110
No one should have to
suffer like this!

520
00:25:24,110 --> 00:25:25,110
He's right!

521
00:25:25,110 --> 00:25:26,720
If I wasn't there
for him to talk to

522
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:28,960
he'd probably
have gone crazy!

523
00:25:29,490 --> 00:25:31,960
Kryten, man!
It's so good to see ya!

524
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,240
Sir!
Stop!

525
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:34,160
Stop what?!

526
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:38,200
You stand there with your
1970s cover band haircut,

527
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,370
and I say to you:
Don't be nice to me!

528
00:25:44,010 --> 00:25:46,310
We know what
happened to Barker,

529
00:25:48,550 --> 00:25:49,850
And Green!

530
00:25:52,730 --> 00:25:54,160
What happened to you?

531
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,430
Your hair's insane!

532
00:25:55,430 --> 00:25:57,540
I went to the ship's salon
for a makeover

533
00:25:57,540 --> 00:25:59,570
look what the
robo-stylist did to me.

534
00:25:59,570 --> 00:26:02,060
Yeah - similar thing happened
to me at the dentist.

535
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:04,610
Every chance it gets,
the Karma Drive

536
00:26:04,610 --> 00:26:05,690
is punishing us.

537
00:26:05,690 --> 00:26:08,410
The showers are freezing,
the air con is icy,

538
00:26:08,410 --> 00:26:10,810
I had to wait
2 hours yesterday....

539
00:26:13,670 --> 00:26:15,740
Have you tasted the food?

540
00:26:18,420 --> 00:26:20,620
Jim!
I can't take this anymore!

541
00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:21,730
We've got no choice.

542
00:26:21,730 --> 00:26:23,130
Yes we do.

543
00:26:23,270 --> 00:26:26,440
I am a computer scientist,
for God's sake!

544
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,770
If I can access
the KD's mainframe,

545
00:26:28,770 --> 00:26:31,480
then perhaps I can
reverse the protocol.

546
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,180
Give us some respite.

547
00:26:33,190 --> 00:26:35,530
Even if it is
only for one night.

548
00:26:35,530 --> 00:26:36,890
Reverse?

549
00:26:36,890 --> 00:26:39,170
So it rewards the unethical
and punishes the good?

550
00:26:39,170 --> 00:26:40,670
Just one night.

551
00:26:40,930 --> 00:26:43,350
Then, we'll stop
seeing each other,

552
00:26:43,350 --> 00:26:44,850
'til we get back home.

553
00:26:45,150 --> 00:26:47,480
Barker and Green reversed
the protocols,

554
00:26:47,510 --> 00:26:50,390
and as a consequence,
good behavior was punished

555
00:26:50,390 --> 00:26:53,020
and immoral behavior
was rewarded!

556
00:26:53,190 --> 00:26:54,300
Kryten just
figured it out.

557
00:26:54,300 --> 00:26:55,640
Saved all our necks.

558
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,240
Kryten, if you weren't
so ugly, I could kiss you.

559
00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,960
Well, you could
shake my hand, Sir.

560
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:01,560
Still too ugly.

561
00:27:02,510 --> 00:27:04,850
You see?
Unkindness rewarded.

562
00:27:04,850 --> 00:27:06,490
This is all beginning
to make sense.

563
00:27:06,490 --> 00:27:07,770
I mean, think back.

564
00:27:07,770 --> 00:27:10,500
I mean the Cat, nicked the money
out of orphans' fund,

565
00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:11,960
to play the one armed bandit,

566
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,440
And I won the jackpot!

567
00:27:13,450 --> 00:27:14,710
You were rewarded
for stealing.

568
00:27:14,710 --> 00:27:17,370
And I put the winnings
back into the orphans' can,

569
00:27:17,380 --> 00:27:19,110
and got me locks caught
in the shredder!

570
00:27:19,110 --> 00:27:20,890
You were punished
for being benevolent.

571
00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:23,100
I saved him,
and got a knife in my foot!

572
00:27:23,100 --> 00:27:24,310
I fixed his foot,

573
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:27,220
And he got to spend
quality time with me!

574
00:27:29,380 --> 00:27:30,930
Moving swiftly on...

575
00:27:30,930 --> 00:27:32,760
Who reversed
the protocols and why?

576
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:33,990
Well, best guess -

577
00:27:33,990 --> 00:27:35,840
Green and Barker
were having an affair

578
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,740
and wanted to
spend time together.

579
00:27:37,740 --> 00:27:39,700
How sad is that?

580
00:27:39,850 --> 00:27:41,830
I mean basically
their love for one another

581
00:27:41,830 --> 00:27:43,280
brought down
the entire ship.

582
00:27:43,290 --> 00:27:45,520
One thing
I don't understand,

583
00:27:45,610 --> 00:27:50,280
Well, actually there are about
40 things I don't understand.

584
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,960
How come Green and Barker

585
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,290
weren't flash-heated
with the rest of the crew?

586
00:27:54,290 --> 00:27:58,090
While the rest of the crew
survived by acting immorally,

587
00:27:58,090 --> 00:28:00,640
Green and Barker
realized they could escape,

588
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,750
so long as that escape
was unethical.

589
00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:06,460
So they took the ship's
only escape pod and fled!

590
00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:08,930
And then they went into
cryo-sleep for millions of years.

591
00:28:08,930 --> 00:28:09,940
Where they were safe!

592
00:28:09,950 --> 00:28:13,080
But when they tried to warn us
about the Karma field,

593
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:14,400
an act of kindness...

594
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,030
The Karma Drive
had them vaporized.

595
00:28:16,030 --> 00:28:17,420
So where does that
leave us?

596
00:28:17,420 --> 00:28:20,420
It leaves us getting the hell
out of here really carefully!

597
00:28:20,430 --> 00:28:21,930
We just have to
remember to avoid

598
00:28:21,940 --> 00:28:24,310
being honest, moral, kind,
selfless, and helpful.

599
00:28:24,310 --> 00:28:25,210
That's not fair.

600
00:28:25,216 --> 00:28:27,620
You've got such
an advantage!

601
00:28:28,970 --> 00:28:30,400
Hey, what's that?

602
00:28:31,330 --> 00:28:33,670
Fuel Tax,
miss three goes.

603
00:28:33,690 --> 00:28:35,000
Hey!

604
00:28:35,010 --> 00:28:36,590
How come you got so many

605
00:28:36,590 --> 00:28:39,190
Mineopoly cards
in your pocket?!