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_
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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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We now return to
the extended director's cut
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of Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory.
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Charlie, don't forget
what happened to the boy
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who got everything he ever wanted.
What?
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He lived happily ever after.
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But he did have to earn it.
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Hint, hint.
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Do it, Charlie!
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I'm not going back
to that four-person bed!
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Hell, I'll do it,
if you want!
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No! It has to be a child!
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What did he just say?
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Brian, this does not
seem appropriate
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to watch in front
of the baby.
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Not appropriate?
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You took me to see
Magic Mike XXL.
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Uhp, this one's wet.
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Uh, this one, too.
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Also wet.
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Huh. This one's dry,
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but the back of the seat in
front of it is wet.
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Let's put on something
more child-friendly.
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Time to "Too-tooty-too"
with The Turtlenecks!
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Oh, God, no.
These guys are horrible.
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♪ Do you kazoo? ♪
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♪ I often do ♪
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♪ When I am blue ♪
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♪ I do kazoo ♪
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♪ Tootooty-Too ♪
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♪ Goes my kazoo ♪
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♪ I will kazoo ♪
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♪ Hey how 'bout you? ♪
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Uch. All they're doing
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is announcing that
they play the kazoo,
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and then asking if others
also play the kazoo.
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This doesn't seem so bad.
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I mean, after all,
it's a song for babies.
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Yeah, but-but that's the thing.
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Baby songs never tackle
real baby issues.
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You know, like...
Like loud noises.
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Or teething.
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Or when Dad uses me
as a lumbar pillow.
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Eh...
Ow.
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Eh...
Ow. Ow.
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Ow.
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Ow.
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This thing
works better in the car.
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Well, how could they
address baby issues?
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Children's songs are
written by adults.
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And, dollars to donuts,
white adults.
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I-I... Who-who are you
mad at, Brian?
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Uch, how much
time you got?
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Not enough for that,
but you're right.
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If you want a song
a baby'll like,
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you've got to get
a baby to write it.
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Well, call John Mayer.
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He's a big, fat baby.
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No, I'll do it,
and you can help.
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Well, I... I did write
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a musical about
Alexander Hamilton.
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Not-not that one,
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but, uh, sure, I'm in.
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Ooh, I'm excited.
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This'll be great.
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And those guys back at
the factory can suck it.
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I'm gonna get out of
this place one day.
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Hey, Butch.
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Get a load of Stewie.
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He says he's gonna
get out of here.
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You don't know me, man.
I'm different.
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I got ideas.
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Hey, Butch, you hear that?
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Stewie's got ideas.
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Shut up!
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I'm gonna go
across that river
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and make it to the city
on the other side.
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I'm gonna be a singer.
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Bublé over here says
he's gonna be a singer.
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Hey, Bublé, I got
a tune for you to sing.
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It's called "Get Your Ass Back
on the Forklift, Lunch is Over".
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Hey, Stewie, don't
listen to those guys.
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Follow your heart.
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Shut up, Butch.
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You're the loser
of this crew.
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Hey guys,
you hear that?
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Butch told me
to follow my heart.
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Dad, can I have 50 bucks
for a shamrock tattoo?
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It's time.
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All right, but
make sure you get it
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where everyone can see.
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Hold on, Peter.
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I-if Chris wants
money for something,
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maybe it's time he got
a part-time job.
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He could mow lawns
or-or babysit.
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I can't work.
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I'm too young.
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Well, Will Smith's little kid
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works as a movie star,
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even though he looks
like a wet baby horse.
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All right, I suppose
I could get a job.
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Well, maybe even
my old job as the guy
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racing through an airport
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at the end
of a romantic comedy.
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Taxi! Taxi!
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Hey. Are you crazy?
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Crazy for love.
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The most amazing girl
I've ever met
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leaves on a plane
in five minutes.
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Get in.
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♪ I get knocked down,
but I get up again ♪
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♪ You're never gonna
keep me down ♪
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♪ I get knocked down,
but I get up again ♪
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♪ You're never
gonna keep me down... ♪
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What the hell's going on?
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This guy's in love.
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Is she worth it?
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She's a
once-in-a-lifetime girl.
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I'll give you
an escort.
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♪ He drinks a whiskey drink,
he drinks a vodka drink ♪
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♪ He drinks a lager drink,
he drinks a cider drink ♪
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♪ He sings the songs... ♪
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No charge.
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♪ That remind him
of the better times ♪
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Final boarding call
for Ashley's flight
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to stuffy New England college.
Final boarding.
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Ooh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, child.
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What's the hurry?
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The love of my life,
that's what.
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We got a code Romeo.
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Repeat, code Romeo.
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If you get there on time,
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there's an extra 50
in it for you.
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I love this job!
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♪ I get knocked down,
but I get up again ♪
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♪ You're never
gonna keep me down... ♪
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Ashley, wait!
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I wouldn't miss this for all
the rush hour fares in Bigtown.
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Chris, you came. Oh, my God!
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Let me get my grandma.
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Chris?
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Ashley. I love you.
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Oh, you're groaning at me?
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You paid $19
to fly Spirit Air.
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You get what you get.
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All right, Brian,
I've written a few songs,
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all about stuff babies
actually care about.
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No more rainbows
and unicorns.
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Real baby issues.
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Right, like
heartworm and parvo?
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No, baby stuff.
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Oh, oh, human babies.
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I didn't... I didn't realize
there was an agenda.
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Okay, look, just
pay attention.
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♪ Momma liked to party
when you were in her belly ♪
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♪ Drinking, she did some ♪
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♪ Momma liked to party
when you were in her belly ♪
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♪ That's why you are dumb. ♪
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I call that "Momma Liked
to Party".
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Stewie, that's good.
Hey, can I write one?
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Yeah, we need
as many as we can.
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Our first gig is Saturday.
It's a birthday party.
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Wow, already?
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How'd you book
a gig so fast?
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Easy. I figured out
the perfect way
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to get the word out
to middle-aged moms.
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Musical entertainment,
available for parties.
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Musical entertainment,
available for parties.
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Hey. Where you drinking
that Chardonnay?
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Oh, hey, Chris,
how's the job hunt going?
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Terrible. I can't
find a job anywhere.
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A lot of people
seem to be turned off
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by my dishonorable
discharge.
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What, from the Army?
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No, it's a euphemism.
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Oh, yucky.
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Uh, you guys, I need help
unloading the groceries.
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My undiagnosed mom injury
is flaring up.
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These little things
of applesauce
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better not be for desserts.
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Go to hell,
Glenn Quagmire!
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I'm sorry, but Mondays
are Asian only.
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Why is your last name Wong?
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It's my married name.
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Now I see why you're here.
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Geez, what was that about?
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Ah, a little
scheduling mix-up.
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I am just so busy,
I-I don't have any time
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to organize my own life.
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Wait a minute,
what if you had someone
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to help keep you organized?
Chris is looking for work.
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Maybe he can help you out,
be your assistant.
202
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Huh, maybe.
203
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You have any references?
204
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Uh, "cowabunga," "schwing,"
"yada, yada, yada."
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Those are pretty
good references.
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You're hired.
207
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,280
Look at that.
Look at the cake.
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00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,949
"Happy Birthday Charlie
and Uncle Craig."
209
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,718
And Uncle Craig's written
in a different color.
210
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,587
Oh, poor Uncle Craig.
211
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,889
Hey, is that your
ex-girlfriend, Olivia?
212
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,257
God, what's she doing here?
213
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,926
She was always such a nightmare.
214
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,730
Olivia?! Oh, my God,
do I look okay?
215
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,899
I hate this shirt.
Switch shirts. Switch shirts!
216
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,769
Stewie? Oh, I
thought that was you.
217
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:53,338
Hey, Olivia, hey,
what brings you here?
218
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,073
Oh, the birthday
boy and I met
219
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,909
at Burt Reynolds' acting camp
in Jupiter, Florida.
220
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,678
Well, I'm glad to hear
you're still acting.
221
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,314
You know, the last time
I saw you, you were...
222
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:04,583
Burning in a cardboard house? Yeah,
burning in a cardboard house, yeah.
223
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,518
Uh, hey, listen, uh,
I don't know if you've heard,
224
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,253
but we're the entertainment.
225
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:11,323
Aw, that's good.
Good for you.
226
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,091
Okay, great to see you.
227
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,593
Come on, Stewie,
it's not about her.
228
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,262
It's about those six children
watching and the spazzy kid
229
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,530
who's just waiting
for the snakes.
230
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,699
Bring out the snakes!
231
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,770
It's a hot crowd,
have fun out there.
232
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:28,440
I'm gonna go feed everything
in my van to each other.
233
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:30,775
Okay, kids, if everyone's done
washing their hands
234
00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:33,144
from the snakes,
we have some fun music for y...
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No climbing on the boat!
236
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:38,250
Okay, now please welcome
Red Shirt Blue Shirt.
237
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All right, we're
Red Shirt Blue Shirt,
238
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:44,623
and here's a song we call
"Mommy and Daddy's Room."
239
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,791
And we think it's one
you can all relate to.
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♪ When everybody's
gone to sleep ♪
241
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,731
♪ And you've said
good night moon ♪
242
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♪ There's plenty of noise
still coming ♪
243
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,568
♪ From Mommy
and Daddy's room ♪
244
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♪ Oh, Daddy says "please,"
Mommy says "no" ♪
245
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,306
♪ Daddy says "come on,"
Mommy says "whoa" ♪
246
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,408
♪ Daddy goes...,
Mommy goes "ow" ♪
247
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,710
♪ Daddy says "I'm done,"
Mommy goes "wow" ♪
248
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,512
♪ Daddy rolls over
and falls asleep ♪
249
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,781
♪ Mommy drinks wine
in the dark. ♪
250
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:17,155
My God, did you hear 'em,
Stewie? We're a hit.
251
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,757
We got to go out
and celebrate.
252
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,358
Oh, he can't go out
with you tonight.
253
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,693
He's got a
date with me.
254
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,328
Really? Awesome.
255
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,230
Brian, I can't go.
I'm not feeling well.
256
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,731
Stewie, I've been
standing here the whole time.
257
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,266
But, you know-you know what,
that's fine.
258
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:31,336
I'll just go have a dog-style
celebration by myself.
259
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,004
Yeah!
260
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,539
Awesome time!
261
00:09:34,541 --> 00:09:36,408
This is very fun for me!
262
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,542
Hey!
Oh, hey!
263
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,444
This is fun, right?
The best!
264
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,779
And me, too!
265
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:49,721
Great crowd,
babe.
266
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,122
What are...
What is this?
267
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,425
Oh, Olivia's president
of our fan club.
268
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,126
She's also doing
half the band.
269
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,595
Do you even know
what that means?
270
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:59,197
Uh, let's just say I couldn't
toddle right for a week.
271
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,465
Okay, you don't.
272
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,733
All right, if
you'll excuse me,
273
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,301
I have a poo
poo diaper.
274
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,571
You really think this
Olivia thing is a good idea?
275
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:07,573
Why wouldn't it be?
276
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,807
I don't know.
It just seems like
277
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,742
it always ends badly
for you two.
278
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,877
And it can be tricky
working with an ex.
279
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,779
Look at Kermit
and Miss Piggy.
280
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,114
How are you feeling,
Miss Piggy?
281
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,549
I heard you called in
sick yesterday.
282
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:19,651
Yeah, I had a frog
in my throat.
283
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,086
Right, Kermie?
284
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,454
Eh? Right?
285
00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:24,656
Please stop
drinking.
286
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,229
Okay, Chris, I think you're
gonna be a great assistant.
287
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,764
Your paperwork
appears to be in order,
288
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,132
but before
we get started, do you own
289
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,101
a pair of rubber boots
that you'd have to wear
290
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,435
if you worked
on a fishing boat?
291
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:38,670
Uh, no, I don't
think so.
292
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:40,772
All right, I guess
it'll be a light day today,
293
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,107
but tomorrow
you should come wearing those.
294
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,341
Okay, got it.
295
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,477
Now, the first thing
I need you to do every morning
296
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:48,146
is punch me in the stomach
because I'm a bad person.
297
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,948
Is this a trick?
298
00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:51,916
It's the furthest thing
from a trick. Go ahead.
299
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,251
And it should be pretty hard,
300
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,487
I'm a worse person
than you think.
301
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,288
Okay, that's really good.
302
00:10:57,290 --> 00:11:00,859
Now I need you to call
Time Warner about my cable bill.
303
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,531
All right, this one is for
all the mommies out there.
304
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:09,467
This is what we're
really saying when we're crying.
305
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,671
♪ Please put some butt paste
on my button ♪
306
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,706
♪ Butt paste on my button ♪
307
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:17,976
♪ Smear it on my button
for the fire down below ♪
308
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,712
♪ Oh, oh, oh,
butt paste on my button ♪
309
00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:22,047
♪ Butt paste on my button ♪
310
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,882
♪ Need it on my button
'cause it ♪
311
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,917
♪ Cools and quells me so. ♪
312
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,723
♪ Stay away, stay away ♪
313
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:34,793
♪ From the big kid
in the baby swing. ♪
314
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,898
♪ There's a little metal box ♪
315
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,800
♪ At the top of the stairs ♪
316
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:44,202
♪ In the back of the closet ♪
317
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,204
♪ And a tiny little key ♪
318
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,206
♪ That's hidden in a book ♪
319
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,041
♪ In the drawer with the socks ♪
320
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,544
♪ And I know how to use it ♪
321
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:55,647
♪ To open up the box ♪
322
00:11:55,649 --> 00:11:58,817
♪ And that's where the gun is. ♪
323
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,524
You know, I talk a lot of smack,
but at the end of the day,
324
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,659
these guys are pros.
325
00:12:07,661 --> 00:12:11,496
Even Broken Arm Coyote
with Washboard.
326
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:12,564
Hey, let's
keep this party rolling.
327
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,199
I'll go get us another
badly-scratched
328
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:16,935
plastic pitcher
of soda.
329
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:19,537
Ugh, finally,
he's doing something useful.
330
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:20,905
What? What do you mean?
331
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,241
Nothing. It's just,
you write all the songs,
332
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,944
you've got a better voice,
you've got the sweet bod...
333
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,446
Oh, my God, babe.
334
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,516
Plus, you've got all the cool
catchphrases like "damn you all"
335
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,752
or "what the dude"
or whatever.
336
00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:34,854
Uh, it-it's
"deuce." But, uh,
337
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,554
but yeah, you're-you're
right, it... I-I do.
338
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,089
Does it-does it sound
through the mic
339
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,391
like I'm saying "dude"?
Should it be "dude"?
340
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,694
Meanwhile, everyone thinks
Brian is the star of the group.
341
00:12:42,696 --> 00:12:43,928
Who thinks that?
342
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,230
I don't know.
I'm just saying,
343
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,265
after every show, the fans
are always petting Brian,
344
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,700
and not you.
345
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:50,268
No one's allowed to
pet me. It's illegal.
346
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,636
I just hate to see Brian
347
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:54,639
getting all the attention
that you deserve.
348
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,708
You should really
watch your back.
349
00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:59,611
Wow, it's hard to believe
Brian would betray me.
350
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:02,447
I mean, he was there for me
when I hit rock bottom.
351
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,882
See, Brian?
352
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,550
That's a rock bottom.
353
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:06,885
Thanks for being here for that.
354
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,687
Now get out of here, we're about
to drink some Chardonnay.
355
00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:16,628
Chris, could you please get
Hannah a thank-you basket
356
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,896
and schedule her
next appointment?
357
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,764
I'd like to see her
again in two weeks.
358
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:22,167
Of course.
Mr. Quagmire can fit in you
359
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,768
at 3:00 a week
from Thursday.
360
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:24,803
That works.
361
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,604
And you know to fast
the night before?
362
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,139
Yup.
363
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,673
And would you like to leave your
panties in the fishbowl
364
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:31,743
for a chance
to win a free lunch?
365
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:35,681
Good luck.
366
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:37,515
When you gonna
do that drawing anyway?
367
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,784
Oh, there's no drawing, I just
like smelling the bowl.
368
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,753
You know, you're doing
a great job, Chris.
369
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:44,355
Why don't you jerk
the rest of the day off.
370
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,124
Man, this is the best job ever.
371
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:49,360
And to think I almost took
that pop-up restaurant gig.
372
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,363
Hi, you hungry?!
Aah!
373
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,274
Check, check, Malia.
374
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,509
Check, Obama.
375
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,344
Check, check, check,
Malia, Obama.
376
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,846
All right,
that's a creepy mic check.
377
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,968
Let's just do a quick
run-through of "Little Brother."
378
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:16,154
♪ I want a little brother ♪
379
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,857
♪ On second thought ♪
380
00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:21,159
♪ I think I'd ♪
381
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,561
♪ Kill him dead. ♪
382
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,230
Could-could we just
cut Brian's mic?
383
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,565
His humming sounds like
my table's ready at Chili's.
384
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,133
Stewie, what the hell
is your problem?
385
00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:31,536
I'll tell you what my problem
is: I'm doing all the work
386
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,037
and you're just
riding my coattails.
387
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,572
What are you talking about?
I'm just as big a part
388
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:35,740
of this group as you are.
389
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,242
Oh, really?
You're writing about
390
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,677
all your authentic
baby experiences?
391
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,212
You asked me to do this
with you.
392
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,413
Why you being such a dick?
393
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:45,016
Because I lost the baby!
394
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,351
What was that?
395
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,686
I don't know, he saw that
in a movie or something.
396
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,588
Brian, this seems
as good a time as any.
397
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:53,491
I think it's time to talk about
your future with the band.
398
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:54,726
Are you serious?
399
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,761
You're actually
kicking me out of the band?
400
00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:58,196
Not at all.
In fact,
401
00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,031
I think you and I
should kick Stewie out.
402
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:01,833
And I'll take his place.
403
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,568
- What?
- Bring out the snakes!
404
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,770
Does he just
come to all of our shows?
405
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,346
So, you want to fire Stewie
406
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,015
and be Red Shirt Blue Shirt
with me?
407
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,416
Absolutely.
408
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,752
You're the whole reason
the fans even like the band.
409
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,553
Kids love dogs.
410
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,756
Besides, we've both seen
what Stewie's become:
411
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:27,058
an impossible diva.
412
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,693
Yeah, but he's my friend.
413
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:29,928
Yeah, well, your friend
414
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,563
has been talking about
kicking you out of the band.
415
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,565
Wait, what? He has?
416
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,467
And I don't know if
you've considered this,
417
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,636
but the clock is ticking
on Stewie's cuteness.
418
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:39,804
Huh. I guess you're right.
419
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,873
I mean, I wouldn't
be surprised if he ends up
420
00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:44,776
looking like an exact
mash-up of Lois and Peter.
421
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,046
Groceries.
422
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:51,382
Hey. I had a thought about
our costumes for today's show.
423
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,718
I could wear a shirt
that's both red and blue,
424
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,820
and you can do spin art
with all the wussy kids
425
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,655
who are afraid to go on rides.
426
00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:58,923
Yeah? Well,
how about this, Stewie?
427
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,725
You're fired.
Pardon?
428
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,161
That's right. Olivia's
taking your place in the band.
429
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,763
You are looking at the new
Red Shirt Blue Shirt.
430
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:08,766
What the dude? Uhp, you know
what, "deuce" was right.
431
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,668
Come on, Brian. You and I
should probably rehearse.
432
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,670
We've got a show
in 20 minutes.
433
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:15,173
Fine, go ahead!
It's not gonna be the same!
434
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:18,343
Like Cheers wasn't the same when
they brought in Kirstie Alley.
435
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,078
Norm!
436
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,014
No, I'm-I'm Rebecca.
437
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:30,455
Meg, do you know how
to use Microsoft Excel?
438
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:32,090
Yeah. I'm actually pretty good.
439
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,859
Yeah, you would. Dork.
440
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:38,496
But I do need to make that
spreadsheet or I'm fired.
441
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,298
Oh, my God.
442
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,700
Peter, our dishwasher
is full of sex toys.
443
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,535
Oh, yeah, Chris
put those in there.
444
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:46,637
It's for his job. He's
workin' for Quagmire now.
445
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:49,273
He's washing sex toys
for Quagmire?
446
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:51,209
Not just that.
He also takes pictures
447
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,678
of Quagmire's genitals
to track sore growth.
448
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,680
So, brace yourself
when you open iPhoto.
449
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,482
It's on the
"Griffin Family" account.
450
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,884
Peter, my parents
have access to that.
451
00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:02,787
What's wrong with this worm?
452
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,389
And you knew about this?
453
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,691
How could you let him
do this disgusting stuff?
454
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:09,060
What? You're the one who
wanted Chris to get a job.
455
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:11,562
Yeah, like mowing lawns
or trimming bushes.
456
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:14,399
Oh, he's doing
one of those.
457
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:15,633
That's it.
458
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:18,569
I'm calling Quagmire right now
and putting an end to this.
459
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:24,175
You have reached Glenn Quagmire.
460
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:26,644
Neither he nor his assistant
is available.
461
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,579
To schedule a liaison,
press one.
462
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:30,748
To cancel a liaison, press two.
463
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,384
If you're calling to report
a pregnancy, please fill out
464
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,654
our online form, and we will
mail you a check for $180.
465
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,056
Thank you,
and have a giggity day.
466
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:40,658
Chris, this is your mother.
467
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:43,961
Get these dildos
out of the dishwasher.
468
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,938
♪ When everybody's
gone to sleep ♪
469
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,907
♪ And you've said
good night moon ♪
470
00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:57,875
♪ There's plenty of noise
still coming ♪
471
00:17:57,877 --> 00:17:59,844
♪ From Mommy
and Daddy's room ♪
472
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,580
♪ Oh, Daddy says "please",
Mommy says "no" ♪
473
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,849
♪ Daddy says "come on",
Mommy says "whoa" ♪
474
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,551
♪ Daddy goes...,
Mommy goes "ow" ♪
475
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,920
♪ Daddy says "I'm done",
Mommy goes "wow" ♪
476
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,755
♪ Daddy rolls over
and falls asleep ♪
477
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,757
♪ Mommy drinks wine
in the dark. ♪
478
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,593
Thank you, Quahog.
479
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:19,363
That was great.
They loved us.
480
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:21,566
Yeah, I guess,
but did you see what I saw?
481
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:22,800
That kid with the cane?
482
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:24,735
Yeah, what do you think
is wrong with him?
483
00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,771
No, Stewie was out there.
484
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,306
So?
So?
485
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:29,974
We're singing a song he wrote.
486
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,943
This whole thing was his idea.
487
00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:33,544
Brian, don't
mess this up.
488
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:35,746
We've got a
good thing going.
489
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,715
I-I hate to tell you this,
but I'm afraid.
490
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,050
Red Shirt Blue Shirt
is done.
491
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,818
I can't do this. I'm out.
492
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,553
I don't care.
I don't need you.
493
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,823
I can get a hundred dogs
to fit that stupid blue shirt.
494
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,291
You're a monster.
495
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,827
Like Frankenstein,
when he became a loan officer.
496
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,730
So, I'm looking for money
to open a small business.
497
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,298
We plan to sell antique lamps.
498
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:56,568
Handmade blankets.
499
00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,070
And pitchforks.
500
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,946
Chris, there you are.
We need to talk.
501
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,481
What, are you
walkin' a horse?
502
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,916
Did Quagmire
get a horse?
503
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,451
Oh no, here we go.
504
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:14,685
I want a horse!
505
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,287
Peter, it's not
a horse.
506
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:17,922
Chris, what the hell
is that?
507
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:20,424
Oh, this is Mr. Quagmire's
horse gimp.
508
00:19:20,426 --> 00:19:21,759
What is a "horse gimp"?
509
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:24,262
It's a sexual fetishist
who derives erotic pleasure
510
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,597
from dressing in horse-themed
leather gear.
511
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,266
Want to see me
feed him a carrot?
512
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,800
Absolutely not.
Hell yes.
513
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:32,303
Chris, this is no job
for a teenage boy.
514
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:34,338
You have to quit
right now.
515
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,941
I can't quit.
I'm actually good at this job.
516
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,709
Plus, I'm making decent money.
517
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,044
You could work
at the pharmacy.
518
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,312
Quiet, Triscuit!
519
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,614
Ooh, hook me to the plow!
520
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,117
Chris, I have $1,100
in a paint can in the garage.
521
00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:48,186
Just take that, and we'll
never speak of this again.
522
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:49,453
Okay.
523
00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:52,723
Great.
Now let's all go home.
524
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:55,459
Well, that's what I get
for horsing around.
525
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,930
Ah, your joke
wasn't funny enough.
526
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,369
Stewie?
527
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,004
Oh, hello, Brian.
528
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:08,706
I'm here to apologize.
529
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,808
And to let you know
I quit the band.
530
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:11,909
You did?
531
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:13,811
Yes. It's nothing without you.
532
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,012
You were the band.
533
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,048
Those were your songs.
534
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,850
And I'm sorry
if I let Olivia manipulate me.
535
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:22,553
I guess she manipulated
both of us.
536
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:26,224
There's just something about her
flat chest and muscular legs.
537
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:29,160
Look, I never should've
treated you the way I did.
538
00:20:29,162 --> 00:20:31,729
I suppose I didn't
treat you so well either.
539
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,265
So, what do you say?
Can we put this all behind us
540
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,567
and go back
to the way things were?
541
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,034
Of course we can.
542
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:39,170
Hey, I wonder if she's
gonna keep the band going.
543
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:40,338
Probably.
She told me
544
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,440
she was just gonna
replace me with another dog.
545
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,708
Yes, but who?
546
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,076
I don't know.
Probably some dog
547
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,111
neither you or I
have ever met.
548
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,515
All right, listen up,
you little pieces of garbage.
549
00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:54,185
This song's about gettin'
heartburn from baked clams.
550
00:20:54,187 --> 00:20:56,020
And other kid stuff.