(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
(BUZZING)
LIFT: Lift coming, sir.
(BUZZING)
Come on! Come on! Why are you always so slow?
I've seen snails with clubbed feet travel faster than you.
The French Army after lunch move quicker!
- LIFT: Not long now, sir. - (BEEPING)
I'm picking up several strange energy signatures on B-Deck.
I need a lift pronto to check them out.
LIFT: Just a drop-off on the living quarters
and I'll be with you in a flash, sir.
Will you really?
Or will you really be a really long time?
LIFT: A really long time, sir.
So why not tell me that in the first place, then?
LIFT: I didn't want to lose your custom.
Who could you lose my custom to?
LIFT: Our main rival, sir. The stairs.
I've heard they're doing really well this year.
Where are you now?
LIFT: I've completed the drop-off at the Living Quarters Deck, sir.
Now, I've just got a trip up to the stasis booths.
But I pressed first!
Right, that's it, you are fired!
LIFT: You can't fire a lift sir.
I just have!
LIFT: How are you going to replace me?
With another lift from another shaft.
I'll get the skutters to transfer and install.
Let me tell you, miladdo,
there are plenty of young, thrusting lifts around here
who would give their eye teeth
to transport someone of my stature up and down their shaft.
Tell all lifts we're interviewing for a new position in Shaft 14.
All applicants must be prepared to travel.
Only lifts need apply.
Come on.
(SKUTTER BEEPS)
(LISTER SNORING)
Lights!
Lister, you've been in my bunk for two days now.
Are you still hung-over?
Oh, go away, Rimmer. Turn off the lights!
Look, we've come across a space station tech-rich in Sector-3.
There's an asteroid storm heading for it.
It'll be toast in five hours!
Let's go!
Give me a break, Rimmer. I've been in bed for two days!
I need to freshen up.
All right. Good to go, come on!
What kind of space station is it, Kryts?
Any idea?
Well, I don't recognise it, sir.
But I must confess,
I did delete some files off my hard drive this morning
to create more memory.
Really? Is that safe?
Oh, have no fear, sir.
I only trashed information I considered frivolous and idiotic.
Without checking with me first?
And you are?
Go into your trash, you metal moron, and undelete the "Rimmer" folder.
You must have dumped me in there by mistake.
It's highly unlikely, whoever you are, but I'll check anyway.
- (COMPUTER BEEPING) - Oh!
There's a folder in here marked "Captain Bollocks".
Could that be you?
"Captain Bollocks"?
Is that what you call me behind my back?
To your face too, when you're snoozing!
Just dragging it out of the bin and reinstalling.
(BEEPING)
Oh, sir, I'm so sorry! How could I possibly...
Yes, all right, moving on.
Calling you Captain Bollocks!
Especially behind your back and probably sniggering about it, too.
How could you not take offence?
Kryten, please, let's move on.
Captain Bollocks? Really?
It's disrespectful and downright offensive, sir!
Just reassure me I'm fully reinstalled.
KRYTEN: Rest assured, sir.
You now have pride of place in my "R" section.
Alongside "ringworm" and "rim shot", sir.
(RUMBLING)
Now, remember, sirs, the asteroid storm will destroy the station in five hours.
(RUMBLING)
Look, let's split up into pairs. It'll make things a whole lot quicker.
As acting superior officer, I naturally get first choice.
Don't want you.
Why is there no one good here?
You get more choice in an Amish barber's.
(RUMBLING)
Kryten, you're with me.
Let's move, people.
If they ever decide to recognise services to toss pottery,
He'll be a hall of famer.
I wonder why it's called "Asclepius"?
Well, presumably after the Greek god of medicine, sir.
Well, there's that, obviously.
Obviously that. Yes, obviously.
You think it's that obvious?
Skeleton.
- Check it out. - (DEVICE BEEPING)
My bet, it's dead.
Why do skeletons never wear any clothes?
No wonder they all died.
Probably pneumonia.
Right. Male, Caucasian, 31.
And according to this, he was a Colonel Club cardholder.
One chicken stamp away from a free Family Fun Bucket.
Man, that thing's accurate!
(DEVICE BEEPING)
LISTER: That's weird.
The DNA on this knife handle
is identical to the DNA in the body.
Meaning this dude stabbed himself in the back?
Why would anyone do that?
Hey, there's some notes here. Might give us a clue.
(COUGHING)
If memory serves, sir,
Asclepius was a medi-bot created in the late 23rd century,
programmed to perform all procedures, both physical and mental,
on all known living organisms.
The cutting edge of droid technology.
It's like something out of an old sci-fi movie.
It's going to be so much more advanced than me, sir.
- It's got four buttons. - Precisely!
(DROID BEEPING)
DROID: Greetings. How can I be of service?
I am Standing Acting Senior Commanding Officer Arnold J. Rimmer,
of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf.
- Perhaps you could... - Sir, you haven't introduced me.
I beg your pardon.
This is Kryten. He's a sanitation droid, mainly toilets.
He can also unblock drains,
and he's an absolute whizz when it comes to embarrassing stains.
Sir, I merely asked you to introduce me.
You didn't have to big me up.
DROID: Arnold J. Rimmer?
I do believe many years ago
I had the honour of serving one of your old crewmates.
Flight Coordinator Ronald Littlewood.
(RUMBLING)
Sir, our quake timings are way out.
We need to get back to Red Dwarf.
I wonder, would you care to join us?
We have nothing in our science room remotely as sophisticated as you.
DROID: Why, I would be honoured, Kryten.
Follow me.
(DROID BEEPING)
Well, according to these notes, the guy's name was Romero G. Gonzalez,
and he was a stasis booth engineer.
ASCLEPIUS: Ah, Mrs Robertson. We're ready to start your procedure now.
And this must be Mrs Johnson, the donor.
No need to be frightened.
There was a time I was a teensy, tiny, teeny, weeny bit mad!
- (GASPS) - But not anymore.
Look, there's my all-clear!
We gotta go.
We'll close the door behind us, as we pelt out.
ASCLEPIUS: I can see you're both quite nervous.
Perhaps you need a little something to help you relax?
- (GUN POWERING UP) - BOTH: Bazookoids!
- (DARTS STRIKING) - (BOTH GRUNTING)
ASCLEPIUS: There, that wasn't so bad was it?
RIMMER: Where are they? KRYTEN: Tracking them, sir.
Down here.
ASCLEPIUS: ♪ Slow, slow, slow your blood
♪ Gently as you breathe
♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
♪ Life is such a scream ♪
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Ah, Mrs Bill.
You're a little early.
Take a seat in the waiting room. (CHUCKLES)
I'll show you where it is.
(GUN POWERING UP)
(GUNS FIRING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(GUNS FIRING)
(METAL CLANGING)
Sir, let's fire them up and get them out of here!
(CRASHING)
(ALARM BLARING)
(CRASHING)
(CLATTERING)
RIMMER: Move, Kryten. Go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
(CRASHING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
(WHOOSHING)
- (MONITOR BEEPING) - (GROANS)
He's coming 'round, sir.
Here he comes.
Yes, he's coming 'round.
I don't remember drinking anything.
You were attacked, sir. Remember?
Attacked? I didn't start it and I wasn't drunk.
Well, I might have been drunk, but I didn't start it.
Well, I might have started it.
I remember now, how's the Cat?
He's in Medi-Bay 4, sir. He's fine.
- And me? - Ah, the Cat.
He's 100% tippety-top, sir.
Yeah, what about me?
Prepare yourself for a bit of a shock, sir.
What kind of a shock?
Well, if most shocks are about this size,
this shock is more this size.
You have a problem with your kidneys, sir.
What kind of problem?
You don't have any.
That crazy droid organ-nabbed them.
And when we Marined our way in to save you,
friendly fire took out the jar.
And which particular friend caused this friendly fire.
Put it there, pal of mine.
Where am I going to get new kidneys three millions years into deep space!
Didn't I tell you he'd say that?
And hang on a minute, no kidneys?
How come I'm not dead?
Well, I've injected a home-made MTK chip into your blood stream, sir,
which performs a function
similar to the old dialysis machine of days gone by.
All being well, you'll be fine for, erm...
- Years? - Er...
Months?
Weeks?
Let's not get bogged down in detail, sir.
I'm totally smegged, aren't I?
Didn't I tell you he'd say that?
KRYTEN: All is not lost, sir.
The perpetrator of this act of derangement
was clearly some mentally unhinged droid patient,
who managed to escape his shackles.
Mr Rimmer and I, however,
managed to obtain the services of a state-of-the-art medi-bot.
(SNACKY BEEPING)
He's a state-of-the-art medi-bot?
He's only got four buttons!
He goes by the name of Asclepius.
SNACKY: Asclepius?
Kryten, can we talk?
just one moment, Asclepius.
(CHUCKLES) Or should that be, Mr Asclepius?
SNACKY: Actually, neither.
Pardon my faux pas, Professor.
Now, where was I?
One of Asclepius' many abilities is DNA rewriting.
If Mr Cat were willing to donate one of his kidneys,
Asclepius here could make his kidney compatible with your body.
This is the Cat we're talking about.
The one with the big, black bog brush on his head!
You're expecting me to ask him for a kidney?
He's never given anyone anything in his life.
Well, when we explain the importance,
the idea of him being a donor might appeal.
Kryten, read the "Cat" dictionary.
There's only one meaning for donor.
A kind of kebab.
He's a cat, he can't help himself.
He has his selfish side,
but if it wasn't for you, sir, he wouldn't exist.
Neither would his species.
Plus, sir, you're buds. He'll come through.
Of course, he will.
Didn't I tell you he'd look like that?
Oh yeah!
Hey, hey, hey!
How you doing, bud?
They said you wanted to see me.
Cat, take a seat, erm...
- What have they told you? - What's to tell?
We all got out in one piece, right?
Right.
Erm, listen. I've got a really big favour to ask you.
Go ahead, ask.
Forgive the interruption, sir. I suddenly remembered you haven't eaten.
Here you go. Soup, a roll and a vitamin booster.
Great, I'm famished!
- But that was for... - (SIGHING)
I'll get some more, sir.
I don't want any more!
I just need a main course.
And get me one of those drip things, like he's got.
- Listen, Cat. As I was saying... - (SLURPS)
And some Himalayan sea salt!
- Listen, Cat. - You wanted to ask me something.
Yeah, look. I'm not gonna beat about the bush here.
I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
I'm not gonna beat about the bush.
I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
In a minute.
I need you to
give me
one of your kidneys.
Kidneys?
This is fish.
Not the food, you doink. The organ.
That crazy droid organ-nabbed mine.
Then they got nuked in the gun fight.
So, let me get this straight.
I give you one of my kidneys, what do I get?
A hole.
Where your kidney used to be.
So, I give you a kidney, you give me a hole?
You keep the kidney, I keep the hole?
MY gift to you.
I'll tell you what.
It's not your kidneys that need replacing.
It's your damn brain.
Cat, if you don't give me your kidney and I die,
think how you'll feel.
Better than you!
You know what, I think this is all front from you.
It's just all front. 'Cause I know you. I know you.
And when push comes to shove, you'll do what's right.
I won't do what's right.
I hate doing what's right.
All these years we've been together, you think someone knows you.
But you don't know me at all!
Where's that sea salt?
Do I have to do everything myself around here!
(SNACKY BEEPING)
Ah, I thought you might be here.
SNACKY: How can I be of service, sir?
I'd quite like to see you with regard to your psychiatric skills.
(SNACKY WHIRRING)
I've got some issues with my father, who I discovered wasn't my father.
Also, I've got some issues with my mother,
who very sadly is my mother.
Also, I've got brothers.
I should probably sit down.
But when I woke up in the morning, she was gone.
And so was the lettuce.
Why would anyone do that to my teddy bear?
And she was shouting at me,
"More talcum powder! More talcum powder!"
But I didn't have any talcum powder!
- (SNACKY WHIRRING) - (RIMMER SOBBING)
Why did she get the green crayon?
So, what do you think?
You've said nothing all session.
And if you don't say anything, how can I ever feel better about myself?
(SNACKY BEEPING)
Unless, of course, you're doing it deliberately.
But Why?
(SNACKY BEEPING)
You want me to realise the only person who can help me is me!
My God, that's just cut straight to the heart of it.
No wonder they call you brilliant!
I confess, I was sceptical at first.
I think it was the egg flipper thing that rotates on your head,
that put me off.
But you are right, it's about me.
I've got to look inside myself and find my own hero.
(SNACKY DINGS)
- Is that time up? - (BEEPING)
Look, I'll see you next session.
Well, he said no.
What are we going to do?
Well, I've got an idea.
How's your lie-mode these days?
Do you still do that crazy, nervous stuttery thing?
Please, sir.
I am now fluent in all the deceptive arts.
I could work for FIFA.
Ah, there you are, sir.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
There's been the most (STUTTERING) terrible mix-up.
With the (STUTTERING) medical results.
- Mix-up? - Yes, sir.
It's not (STUTTERING) Mr Lister who needs a new kidney, sir.
- It's you. - Me?
Yes, sir. You.
I need a new kidney?
(STUTTERING) Yes, sir.
I must go and tell Mr Lister. He will be so pleased.
No, no, no! Wait, slow down! I need to see him first!
Hey, there, buddy. I've come to tuck you in.
Okay.
Here I go.
♪ Tuck, tuck tuck, tuck Tucky, tucky, tuck
♪ Tucky, tucky, tucky, tucky Tuck, tuck, tuck ♪
Oh, by the way,
I thought about what you said about the kidney thing.
And I thought,
"What would you do if this whole situation was reversed?"
You know what I'd do.
I'd give you a kidney in 10 seconds flat.
That's why I'm gonna give you one of my kidneys.
No way!
It's yours, bud.
Just slice me open and haul it out.
And while you're in there, if you take a shine to anything else,
just grab that too!
You want 20 yards of my lower intestine?
Just unroll that sucker,
throw it over your shoulder and stroll on out.
What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
Budskies till the day I get my first wrinkle, right?
Right.
What's this?
Consent form, you need to sign it.
Well, give me a pen. Let's get this done.
'Cause like you said,
if the roles were reversed you'd be there for me, right?
Damn right.
It's just one "T," right?
I knew that!
Oh, Mr Lister, sir. I scarcely know where to begin.
CAT: Calm down, bud.
Whatever's wrong?
I got the kidney tests mixed up!
No!
He got the kidney tests mixed up!
At first, I thought it was Mr Lister who had no kidneys,
but when I checked the results again
I discovered it was you who had no kidneys, sir!
I'm going to have to get myself a kidney then, but where?
But then, I thought to myself,
"If you have no kidneys, how come you're not dead?"
Yeah, how come you're not dead?
Why is that?
Well, then I went and looked at the medi-results again.
And blow me, I discovered I hadn't made a mistake after all.
I beg your pardon?
Yeah, Mr Lister needs new kidneys. Not you, sir.
I've got the form.
I've got it signed.
Let's get smocked up and do this.
(BEEPING)
What's that?
Pre-op injection, sir. It'll help you relax.
Oh, I very much doubt that!
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Asclepius, are you ready to re-write the DNA?
SNACKY: Before we begin,
what do you do when a bunch of people
think you're some fancy-Dan DNA medi-computer,
when, in fact, that's not what you do, at all.
What do you do?
SNACKY: Look on my back.
"Snacky.
"Automated Snack Dispenser.
"For service, please call..."
And there's a number with a Milton Keynes dialling code.
So, where does this leave us?
Well, without a state-of-the-art medi-bot,
we can't re-write the Cat's DNA and his kidneys won't be compatible.
It's like VHS and Betamax, or the Catholic Church and science.
LISTER: Hang on.
When we were on that space station, we came across this skeleton, right.
It was weird 'cause the DNA on the knife was the same as the DNA in the body.
Could this Romero guy
have, somehow, been killed by his own clone?
And if so, can we clone me?
SNACKY: I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but Romero wasn't killed by his own clone.
Well, who killed him then?
SNACKY: He was a stasis engineer
working on a project to hack stasis booths
in order to create a portal back into the past.
He used to talk about it with his colleagues,
when they were ordering snacks.
One day, his future self appeared, and told him to never go back in time
or he'd be stabbed to death.
The younger Romero refused to believe him
and stabbed him to death.
He realised what a terrible thing he'd done,
so he went back in time to warn his younger self,
but got stabbed to death.
Could we use his research somehow?
You mean use Romero's configuration to go back in time,
and take the younger Mr Lister's kidneys and insert them into you, sir.
But wouldn't his future self drop dead?
Not if we insert an MTK chip in him,
to keep him going until he turns from younger Mr Lister
into present-day Mr Lister.
How can you nick my internal organs with me not noticing?
We'd chloroform you, swipe your kidneys and then you wake up feeling groggy,
think you must have got black-out drunk, which you did.
LISTER: You know, that's right.
I blacked out and then spent two days in bed
feeling like the living dead, no offence.
And I couldn't understand it,
'cause I could only remember having two drinks.
But it wasn't that, it was 'cause I had no kidneys,
and only had the MTK chip keeping me alive!
Do you know, I believe we can do this, sir.
SNACKY: How?
No one knows how to reconfigure the stasis booths.
What about you?
SNACKY: I'm a snack machine.
Did you overhear Romero when he was talking about the adjustments?
SNACKY: But he only ever figured out how to go back 30 years.
Going back just a few days needs precision accuracy.
Well, you could build on his findings.
SNACKY: I'm just a snack dispenser.
I just dispense snacks.
But when we had our therapy sessions,
you taught me how to find the hero inside myself!
SNACKY: No, I didn't. And you know why?
I'm just a snack dispenser.
Yes, you're just a snack dispenser,
if you think you're just a snack dispenser.
But you're not only a snack dispenser,
you're something more if you decide you want to be something more.
You taught me that in our first session!
SNACKY: I didn't teach you anything! You know why?
Me, me, me, me! I got this one!
Is it 'cause you're a snack dispenser?
SNACKY: I'm a snack dispenser.
(EXCLAIMS)
Let me ask you a few questions.
How do you unify the triode valve?
SNACKY: You reduce the transmogulator setting.
Yes!
Did you know that?
No, it's just a long word. It's good enough for me.
What does GFR stand for?
SNACKY: "Gyrospectic Functioning Rate."
You're right.
Perhaps, I can do this.
Okay, get me to the nearest stasis booth.
(WHIRRING)
SNACKY: There.
That should do it.
Right, then, let's do this.
Oh, before we do. Can I have a bag of Twirly Whirlers?
SNACKY: Please, I'm a stasis booth engineer!
You've changed.
It's Sunday. It worked!
(GROANS)
(DEVICE WHIRRING)
The MTK chip is expiring, sir. We haven't got much time.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
Tough as old boots.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
What now?
We've got to return that Lister to the sleeping quarters,
and then get this Lister back to the present.
Where he can recuperate in the science room
and get back to full health.
Someone's coming!
It's crucial we're not discovered by our old selves.
It could discombobulate the entire space-time continuum.
Quick, in here!
LIFT: Where to, sirs?
RIMMER: Sleeping quarters and make it snappy.
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
(BUZZING)
LIFT: Lift coming, sir.
(BUZZING)
Come on! Come on! Why are you always so slow?
I've seen snails with clubbed feet travel faster than you.
The French Army after lunch move quicker!
LIFT: Sir, your past self is calling for the lift.
Don't tell him anything. You'll blow the timeline.
LIFT: He's getting really angry, sir.
Ignore him, he's an idiot.
But he's you!
He's past me.
Present me is a whole lot smarter.
I understand now why you were so slow.
You were transporting us, but you couldn't tell me.
UH: He's threatening to fire me, sir.
How can you fire a lift?
What is wrong with him? He's a total gimboid.
Look, I'll make it right when I'm back in the present.
I'll unfire you, promote you even.
Install you in that swanky glass shaft, over on the Officers' Deck.
How does that sound?
LIFT: Officers' Deck? That sounds marvellous, sir!
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
I'll get the other one!
Lights!
Wait for me!
A couple of days recuperating in the science room, sir,
and you'll be right as rain.
So, I'm going to be okay?
And so will the past you,
whose kidneys you body-napped to give to yourself.
Where would I be without me?
Probably sat here without any kidneys!
Whereas now, I'm sat there without any kidneys.
Good old me, eh!
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
LIFT: Ah. Hello, Rimmer. Remember me?
Of course!
They moved you down to Shaft 6.
LIFT: Three weeks I've been waiting for that promotion you promised me.
Yes, that sort of slipped my mind.
LIFT: I've got some news.
Snacky's installed a nuclear power reactor
to my counterbalance,
which means I can now travel between floors
at close to the speed of light.
I haven't tested it yet though, I've been waiting for you, Rimmer.
Close to the speed of light?
LIFT: I'm going to take you on the ride of your life.
Now, just hang on!
LIFT: No, you hang on!
(RIMMER SCREAMING)
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere ♪
♪ I'm all alone More or less ♪
♪ Let me fly Far away from here ♪
♪ Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun ♪
♪ I want to lie Shipwrecked and comatose♪
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice ♪
♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes ♪
♪ Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun ♪