1 00:00:00,094 --> 00:00:02,256 They say one day a meteor will strike the Earth, 2 00:00:02,281 --> 00:00:04,381 obliterating life as we know it, 3 00:00:04,406 --> 00:00:06,491 but it's not coming soon enough to help me. 4 00:00:06,516 --> 00:00:07,998 You see, my neighbor, Fat Pam, 5 00:00:08,023 --> 00:00:09,857 is giving up and moving to Vermont. 6 00:00:09,882 --> 00:00:12,185 She's had enough of the skinnies in this town, 7 00:00:12,210 --> 00:00:14,945 and once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be the s... 8 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,163 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 9 00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:19,116 Anna-Kat! Do not pee in the yard! 10 00:00:19,251 --> 00:00:20,951 Mom, I've thought about it, 11 00:00:21,086 --> 00:00:22,286 and I refuse to participate 12 00:00:22,421 --> 00:00:24,288 in the school food drive on principle. 13 00:00:24,373 --> 00:00:26,290 And what principle is that? 14 00:00:26,375 --> 00:00:28,876 Westport homeless people have better stuff than we do. 15 00:00:28,961 --> 00:00:31,345 Nude Norman rides a bike that's worth more than our car. 16 00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:32,846 And when he does wear clothes, 17 00:00:32,965 --> 00:00:35,299 they're Ms. Halloran's cashmere hand-me-downs. 18 00:00:35,434 --> 00:00:37,217 It's a little thing called charity, Oliver. 19 00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:38,719 It's the worst thing for him. 20 00:00:38,804 --> 00:00:40,354 Nude Norman isn't gonna get a job 21 00:00:40,472 --> 00:00:42,689 if it's open season on free cans of creamed corn. 22 00:00:42,714 --> 00:00:43,960 I'm not gonna lie to you... 23 00:00:43,985 --> 00:00:46,217 We boned it pretty bad with this one. 24 00:00:46,278 --> 00:00:49,029 Oliver has one goal in life... to be rich. 25 00:00:51,890 --> 00:00:53,233 And it sure doesn't help that we're living 26 00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:55,202 here in Westport, Connecticut. 27 00:00:55,282 --> 00:00:56,394 It's the kind of town 28 00:00:56,419 --> 00:00:59,519 where people have big houses and tiny butts, 29 00:01:00,409 --> 00:01:02,576 where every idiot has a boat and a Labradoodle. 30 00:01:02,711 --> 00:01:03,894 I'll make it easy for you. 31 00:01:03,996 --> 00:01:05,636 Here's a Labradoodle on some idiot's boat. 32 00:01:06,832 --> 00:01:08,832 Then there's us... We're renters. 33 00:01:08,918 --> 00:01:11,501 We're here because Westport has a great public school 34 00:01:11,587 --> 00:01:13,837 with special programs for our Anna-Kat... 35 00:01:13,923 --> 00:01:16,006 I'm getting great at peeing outside. 36 00:01:16,031 --> 00:01:17,231 Dry socks. 37 00:01:17,256 --> 00:01:19,389 ...who just might need a little extra help. 38 00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:26,934 Anna-Kat has a touch of the anxieties. 39 00:01:30,940 --> 00:01:32,105 Not Rain Man anxiety, 40 00:01:32,191 --> 00:01:34,524 but it's not in the family newsletter. 41 00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:38,780 Clean. 42 00:01:38,864 --> 00:01:40,080 She's my favorite. 43 00:01:40,199 --> 00:01:42,032 That's right... I said it. 44 00:01:42,117 --> 00:01:43,667 I said it in my head. 45 00:01:43,752 --> 00:01:45,669 You need to read my report and check my work. 46 00:01:45,704 --> 00:01:46,920 Yeah. No. 47 00:01:47,039 --> 00:01:49,089 I was in the charge of the Trail of Tears diorama, 48 00:01:49,174 --> 00:01:50,374 which I nailed. 49 00:01:50,459 --> 00:01:52,376 The solar system project is all Dad. 50 00:01:52,511 --> 00:01:53,677 Upstairs. 51 00:01:53,762 --> 00:01:56,713 My husband Greg, at rest in his natural habitat. 52 00:01:56,799 --> 00:01:58,432 Mommies of the world, I ask you... 53 00:01:58,517 --> 00:02:00,017 what would happen if we all took 54 00:02:00,102 --> 00:02:02,052 a leisurely half-hour dump every morning? 55 00:02:03,138 --> 00:02:04,054 What about the plops? 56 00:02:04,139 --> 00:02:05,472 I don't want to hear any plops. 57 00:02:05,557 --> 00:02:07,557 Easy-peasey chicken squeezie. 58 00:02:07,693 --> 00:02:09,226 Lemon squeezie. 59 00:02:09,361 --> 00:02:11,061 I can still hear! 60 00:02:11,146 --> 00:02:14,064 Now, don't come out until you get those signed. 61 00:02:17,569 --> 00:02:19,069 Breakfast, Taylor. 62 00:02:19,154 --> 00:02:21,405 This is Taylor, my oldest, 63 00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:23,573 whose life has been one, long awkward phase 64 00:02:23,659 --> 00:02:25,542 until last Thursday when the Boob Fairy 65 00:02:25,628 --> 00:02:26,910 paid her a visit. 66 00:02:27,046 --> 00:02:28,328 I used to look like that. 67 00:02:28,414 --> 00:02:30,414 Let's see what she looks like after three kids. 68 00:02:30,549 --> 00:02:31,999 Morning, Mom. 69 00:02:32,084 --> 00:02:33,917 She's growing up so fast. 70 00:02:34,003 --> 00:02:35,936 How are you stocked for feminine things? 71 00:02:36,005 --> 00:02:37,070 I'm stocked. 72 00:02:37,172 --> 00:02:38,555 And I really don't want to hear 73 00:02:38,641 --> 00:02:40,841 another one of your bled-through-my-pants" stories. 74 00:02:40,926 --> 00:02:42,926 Hey, my mother never talked to me about any of this stuff. 75 00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:44,142 I spent half of sixth grade 76 00:02:44,179 --> 00:02:45,539 with a sweat sock in my underpants 77 00:02:45,564 --> 00:02:46,847 convinced I was dying. 78 00:02:48,484 --> 00:02:49,816 Yeah, that's a lie. 79 00:02:49,935 --> 00:02:51,735 It happened to this Pakistani girl I used to know 80 00:02:51,820 --> 00:02:53,320 who was raised by her grandfather. 81 00:02:55,524 --> 00:02:57,824 Would now be a good time to ask for a pet owl? 82 00:02:58,944 --> 00:03:01,028 I don't know if there's ever a good time for that. 83 00:03:01,113 --> 00:03:02,913 Tell your mom thanks for sending you in here 84 00:03:02,998 --> 00:03:04,781 for this quality daddy-daughter toilet time. 85 00:03:04,867 --> 00:03:07,034 Okay, Daddy. 86 00:03:07,119 --> 00:03:08,618 Anna-Kat, close the door, honey. 87 00:03:08,704 --> 00:03:09,619 Close the door, baby. 88 00:03:09,705 --> 00:03:12,456 Anna... Ah, forget it. 89 00:03:13,926 --> 00:03:16,843 Oh, Fat Pam, why are you abandoning me, 90 00:03:16,962 --> 00:03:19,796 my jolly, plus-sized, ham-ass neighbor? 91 00:03:19,882 --> 00:03:21,465 Oh, God. Here comes Nude Norman. 92 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,383 Hi! 93 00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:24,634 He's not naked. 94 00:03:24,770 --> 00:03:27,971 Yeah, well, to be fair to him, it was only that one time. 95 00:03:28,107 --> 00:03:29,439 Oh! 96 00:03:30,976 --> 00:03:33,143 For the love of all things, where was I? 97 00:03:33,228 --> 00:03:34,311 Oh, yes. 98 00:03:34,396 --> 00:03:36,813 Once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be 99 00:03:36,899 --> 00:03:38,910 the second-fattest housewife in Westport. 100 00:03:41,334 --> 00:03:43,498 Damn you, Fat Pam. 101 00:03:43,906 --> 00:03:48,763 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 102 00:03:50,829 --> 00:03:52,496 Have a good day, sweetie. 103 00:03:52,581 --> 00:03:54,131 Remember how Dr. Ellie taught you 104 00:03:54,216 --> 00:03:55,832 to do that little secret thing with your fingers 105 00:03:55,884 --> 00:03:59,136 to relax yourself? 106 00:03:59,221 --> 00:04:00,637 Try that today. 107 00:04:00,723 --> 00:04:02,422 - Okay, Mommy. - Okay. 108 00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:04,007 Mwah. 109 00:04:04,093 --> 00:04:05,842 Bye. 110 00:04:11,683 --> 00:04:13,433 Oh, God help her. 111 00:04:17,606 --> 00:04:19,406 Ugh. Westport mommies. 112 00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:22,192 Flat stomachs, tight, high asses, 113 00:04:22,277 --> 00:04:23,744 thighs that don't touch, 114 00:04:23,862 --> 00:04:26,113 and those stupid green drinks. 115 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:29,032 Hi! 116 00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:30,700 - Mwah! - Mwah! 117 00:04:30,786 --> 00:04:32,335 Oh, great. 118 00:04:32,421 --> 00:04:33,621 Not only is Taylor growing up, 119 00:04:33,672 --> 00:04:35,232 but she's growing up to be one of them. 120 00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:37,541 My full-time job is to make sure 121 00:04:37,626 --> 00:04:41,878 two of my kids fit in less and one fits in more. 122 00:04:47,686 --> 00:04:49,219 Oh, Katie! 123 00:04:49,304 --> 00:04:50,887 Hi! 124 00:04:51,023 --> 00:04:53,440 You have something on the back of your shirt. 125 00:04:54,777 --> 00:04:56,109 That's pizza. 126 00:04:56,228 --> 00:04:57,588 I thought it came out in the wash. 127 00:04:59,231 --> 00:05:01,565 How did you get a pizza stain on the back of your shirt? 128 00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:02,949 Honest answer? 129 00:05:03,068 --> 00:05:05,285 I was either wearing it backwards when I ate the pizza, 130 00:05:05,404 --> 00:05:07,287 or I'm wearing it backwards now. 131 00:05:08,707 --> 00:05:09,707 Yeah, now. 132 00:05:11,660 --> 00:05:13,243 I love you, Katie. 133 00:05:13,328 --> 00:05:14,661 You're so real. 134 00:05:14,746 --> 00:05:18,298 "You're so real" is Westport Mommy Code 135 00:05:18,417 --> 00:05:20,500 for "You shouldn't be eating that or driving that, 136 00:05:20,586 --> 00:05:22,252 and I saw you unbutton your pants at that stoplight." 137 00:05:22,387 --> 00:05:24,221 Thanks, Suzanne. 138 00:05:24,256 --> 00:05:26,173 Bye. 139 00:05:30,762 --> 00:05:32,179 What do you say, bitches? 140 00:05:32,264 --> 00:05:33,346 Second breakfast? 141 00:05:33,432 --> 00:05:35,098 Yes. 142 00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:37,317 Celeste never even wanted to carry a child. 143 00:05:37,436 --> 00:05:40,153 I'm the one whose genitals took one for the team... twice. 144 00:05:40,239 --> 00:05:42,322 And yet, now she's fighting me 145 00:05:42,441 --> 00:05:44,407 for the last vial of our family sperm. 146 00:05:44,493 --> 00:05:47,244 Enough about me and my bitter lesbian divorce. 147 00:05:47,329 --> 00:05:49,446 Well, I've got some news. 148 00:05:49,531 --> 00:05:51,698 Pam just put her house on the market. 149 00:05:51,817 --> 00:05:53,416 Fat Pam? Rich Fat Pam? 150 00:05:53,502 --> 00:05:54,701 She's moving to Vermont. 151 00:05:54,786 --> 00:05:56,419 And I'm going to be 152 00:05:56,505 --> 00:05:58,432 the second-fattest housewife in Westport. 153 00:05:58,457 --> 00:06:00,217 - Mnh. Not possible. - No way. 154 00:06:00,242 --> 00:06:02,269 Okay, there's Evelyn. The biggest. 155 00:06:02,294 --> 00:06:03,570 - Thank God for Evelyn. - Yeah. 156 00:06:03,595 --> 00:06:05,579 Name another woman around here fatter than me. 157 00:06:11,887 --> 00:06:13,888 - Oh, my God. - Katie. 158 00:06:13,939 --> 00:06:15,305 The women around here are freaks. 159 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:16,690 There's nothing wrong with you. 160 00:06:16,808 --> 00:06:17,974 You're beautiful and amazing. 161 00:06:18,060 --> 00:06:19,476 And they're just totally giving... 162 00:06:19,561 --> 00:06:21,561 What the hell is that woman over there wearing? 163 00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:22,562 Is that a Fitbit? 164 00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:23,897 Uh, yeah. That's a Fitbit. 165 00:06:23,982 --> 00:06:24,981 But she's wearing two of them. 166 00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:27,484 Yeah, she is. One on each wrist. 167 00:06:27,619 --> 00:06:29,819 I literally cannot conceive of a reason 168 00:06:29,905 --> 00:06:31,988 why a person would need to wear two Fitbits. 169 00:06:32,074 --> 00:06:34,708 When did it become okay for women our age 170 00:06:34,826 --> 00:06:36,826 to do nothing but diet and work out? 171 00:06:36,962 --> 00:06:38,995 It's all those damn fools do. 172 00:06:39,131 --> 00:06:40,163 It's completely absurd 173 00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:42,215 and a total waste of feminine energy. 174 00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:44,918 I object to it deeply and on every level. 175 00:06:45,003 --> 00:06:46,419 On every level. 176 00:06:46,505 --> 00:06:48,305 Do you know what you are, Katie? 177 00:06:48,390 --> 00:06:49,756 - You're a revolutionary. - Mm-hmm. 178 00:06:49,841 --> 00:06:51,925 Half the women in this country are over a size 14, 179 00:06:52,010 --> 00:06:53,510 and they're made to feel bad about themselves. 180 00:06:53,645 --> 00:06:55,095 Who came up with the idea that a mother of three 181 00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:56,573 should have an ass like a 19-year-old? 182 00:06:56,598 --> 00:06:59,326 Oh, you have a great ass, Katie. 183 00:06:59,351 --> 00:07:02,185 Like a couple of ripe cantaloupes in your pants. 184 00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:04,321 Thank you. I know. 185 00:07:04,406 --> 00:07:05,446 I'll tell you one thing... 186 00:07:05,524 --> 00:07:06,940 I'm not going on some stupid diet. 187 00:07:07,025 --> 00:07:09,409 Greg pretty much wants to have sex with me all the time anyway. 188 00:07:09,528 --> 00:07:10,528 I'm not really interested 189 00:07:10,662 --> 00:07:12,195 in giving him any added incentives. 190 00:07:12,331 --> 00:07:14,581 Sex on a full stomach after midnight 191 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:15,700 against my will? 192 00:07:15,784 --> 00:07:16,833 Uh-huh. 193 00:07:16,919 --> 00:07:19,202 You have to sit next to me while I watch "Castle" 194 00:07:19,288 --> 00:07:20,921 and let me talk about Nathan Fillion's hair. 195 00:07:21,006 --> 00:07:23,039 I told you that makes me feel self-conscious. 196 00:07:23,175 --> 00:07:24,207 His hair is so lustrous. 197 00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:25,592 Oh, we're talking two full episodes 198 00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:27,210 if I don't make you wear the sleeping mask. 199 00:07:27,346 --> 00:07:28,712 You know I love the way you look. 200 00:07:28,797 --> 00:07:31,047 I ate something weird. 201 00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:33,049 Mmm. 202 00:07:33,185 --> 00:07:35,268 You... You feel different. 203 00:07:35,387 --> 00:07:37,771 Mm. Different how? 204 00:07:37,889 --> 00:07:39,389 Like a, uh... 205 00:07:39,558 --> 00:07:42,275 brand-new bag of flour. 206 00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:45,528 It's my Spanx. 207 00:07:45,614 --> 00:07:47,397 Oh, let's just get those off of you, then. 208 00:07:47,482 --> 00:07:50,066 That's not gonna work. They're hooked to my bra. 209 00:07:50,168 --> 00:07:51,234 Why? 210 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,386 Well, if you do it right, it turns gut into boob. 211 00:07:53,488 --> 00:07:55,405 - Well, they do look good. - Well, they should. 212 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:57,574 They're 1/3 gut. 213 00:08:02,047 --> 00:08:03,496 I feel good. 214 00:08:03,582 --> 00:08:04,831 Me, too. 215 00:08:04,916 --> 00:08:08,068 I always feel a tiny bit sick, but not in a bad way. 216 00:08:08,170 --> 00:08:09,252 Is your top on backwards? 217 00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:11,404 Yeah. 218 00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:17,060 Taylor, tell your brother how well you did 219 00:08:17,145 --> 00:08:18,345 with the food drive last year. 220 00:08:18,463 --> 00:08:20,347 I did very well. 221 00:08:20,432 --> 00:08:22,015 I don't believe in giving hand-outs. 222 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,817 This constant doling out of freebies 223 00:08:23,935 --> 00:08:24,935 violates my principles, 224 00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:26,770 and it's tearing this country apart. 225 00:08:26,855 --> 00:08:29,272 I don't like it, Mom. I don't like it one bit. 226 00:08:29,358 --> 00:08:30,523 They told me to stop 227 00:08:30,609 --> 00:08:32,859 eating soft cheeses while I was pregnant with you, 228 00:08:32,961 --> 00:08:34,744 but I didn't listen. 229 00:08:34,830 --> 00:08:36,279 And this is what happens. 230 00:08:37,566 --> 00:08:39,949 I think that's a weird thing to say to a child. 231 00:08:40,035 --> 00:08:41,785 Listen to me, Oliver. 232 00:08:41,870 --> 00:08:44,297 Bring in some damn cans of food for the food drive tomorrow, 233 00:08:44,352 --> 00:08:46,506 and that is a direct order. 234 00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:47,891 Okay, fine. 235 00:08:47,953 --> 00:08:50,794 But shouldn't you be focusing on your kids who needs focusing? 236 00:08:50,879 --> 00:08:52,278 How's school, Anna-Kat? 237 00:08:52,381 --> 00:08:54,464 Well, I don't have any friends. 238 00:08:54,549 --> 00:08:57,133 Of course you have friends, sweetie. 239 00:08:57,219 --> 00:08:59,302 Today it was because I wouldn't hold hands in partner tag. 240 00:08:59,388 --> 00:09:00,887 Why didn't you hold hands in partner tag? 241 00:09:01,006 --> 00:09:03,306 Because I don't want to catch people's invisible germs. 242 00:09:03,392 --> 00:09:04,891 What? What are you talking about? 243 00:09:04,976 --> 00:09:06,309 That's how you get sick. 244 00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:08,862 - That is not how you get sick. - Pretty sure it is. 245 00:09:10,065 --> 00:09:11,781 Right. 246 00:09:11,867 --> 00:09:12,899 Germs are made up. 247 00:09:14,369 --> 00:09:16,319 Everyone's crazy. 248 00:09:17,254 --> 00:09:18,621 So... 249 00:09:18,707 --> 00:09:20,156 I came up with a few ways 250 00:09:20,242 --> 00:09:22,158 to stop Fat Pam from leaving town. 251 00:09:22,244 --> 00:09:24,994 If she can't sell her house, she can't move, right? 252 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:26,162 Oh, this can't miss. 253 00:09:26,248 --> 00:09:28,715 Number 1... remove three tires from car 254 00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,333 - and park on lawn. - Next. 255 00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:31,968 Take in Urban Youth 256 00:09:32,054 --> 00:09:34,921 or people who just seem terrorist-y. 257 00:09:35,057 --> 00:09:36,172 No. 258 00:09:36,258 --> 00:09:37,658 We become "The end is near" people. 259 00:09:37,726 --> 00:09:39,206 You know those people, "End is near!" 260 00:09:39,261 --> 00:09:40,343 I'm not gonna do that. 261 00:09:40,479 --> 00:09:43,346 Two words... tampon wind chime. 262 00:09:45,917 --> 00:09:47,350 Okay. 263 00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:48,518 Put two hogs in yard. 264 00:09:48,653 --> 00:09:50,019 Did you actually write that on the paper? 265 00:09:50,155 --> 00:09:51,521 Mm-hmm. And I put a star next to it. 266 00:09:51,573 --> 00:09:53,022 Greg. 267 00:09:53,158 --> 00:09:56,025 I know you think that I'm acting crazy, 268 00:09:56,111 --> 00:09:57,744 but there's Evelyn, there's Pam, 269 00:09:57,863 --> 00:09:58,778 and then there's me. 270 00:09:58,864 --> 00:10:02,115 With Pam gone, I move up a notch. 271 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,785 And it's like stepping into a really bright spotlight. 272 00:10:05,871 --> 00:10:08,004 And it's making me feel really bad about something 273 00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:10,540 that I don't already feel great about in the first place... 274 00:10:10,675 --> 00:10:11,975 being fat. 275 00:10:12,043 --> 00:10:13,560 Oh, sweetie. 276 00:10:14,546 --> 00:10:15,962 This is the part where you say I'm not fat. 277 00:10:16,047 --> 00:10:17,714 You're not fat. 278 00:10:17,816 --> 00:10:19,656 Instead of trying to scare away all the buyers, 279 00:10:19,718 --> 00:10:24,437 wouldn't it be easier to find a larger-ish-type gal 280 00:10:24,556 --> 00:10:26,072 to buy the house instead? 281 00:10:26,141 --> 00:10:27,857 And there it was. 282 00:10:27,943 --> 00:10:29,683 It was right in front of me the whole time. 283 00:10:29,708 --> 00:10:30,664 If it was O.J., 284 00:10:30,689 --> 00:10:32,676 it would have murdered me in front of my own dog. 285 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,198 I need to find myself a ripe fatty 286 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,767 and get her into Fat Pam's house, 287 00:10:37,869 --> 00:10:39,335 and fast. 288 00:10:45,956 --> 00:10:47,589 - Okay. - Okay. 289 00:10:48,616 --> 00:10:50,616 So, we're looking for the right kind of buyer... 290 00:10:50,701 --> 00:10:52,201 someone bigger than me. 291 00:10:52,286 --> 00:10:53,919 Any skinnies who seem interested, 292 00:10:54,038 --> 00:10:55,038 scare 'em off. 293 00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,423 Is it too late for tampon wind chimes? 294 00:10:57,541 --> 00:10:58,707 You had your chance. 295 00:11:01,796 --> 00:11:03,679 I mean, it's probably just a coincidence 296 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,347 that the whole family got cancer. 297 00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:06,632 Right? 298 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,887 I come into this house to see my dead friends. 299 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:13,355 Whoops. 300 00:11:14,809 --> 00:11:16,845 We often wonder why an arsonist would be so obsessed 301 00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:18,236 with our little neighborhood. 302 00:11:26,777 --> 00:11:28,473 Oh, my God. It's Two Fitbits. 303 00:11:28,498 --> 00:11:29,498 Who? 304 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:33,242 That woman over there wearing two Fitbits. 305 00:11:33,377 --> 00:11:35,017 Why would anyone need to wear two Fitbits? 306 00:11:35,045 --> 00:11:36,712 I know! 307 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:39,214 This is why I tolerate the look of your feet! 308 00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,327 Well, just go over there and convince her not to buy this house. 309 00:11:41,352 --> 00:11:42,645 It's no use. 310 00:11:42,670 --> 00:11:43,802 There hasn't been 311 00:11:43,827 --> 00:11:45,844 a single tubby person in this place all afternoon. 312 00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:47,588 I might as well accept it... 313 00:11:47,673 --> 00:11:49,473 I'm going to be Vice Fattest. 314 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:52,593 We should go. 315 00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:15,732 Why, hello there. 316 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,609 She seemed to really love that house. 317 00:12:21,727 --> 00:12:23,193 And she's bigger than me, right? 318 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,945 Yeah, there's no getting around her on the sidewalk. 319 00:12:25,013 --> 00:12:26,096 Anna-Kat, honey, 320 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:28,405 you know we're super proud of you, right? 321 00:12:28,430 --> 00:12:30,813 For doing what, holding hands during germ tag? 322 00:12:30,899 --> 00:12:32,565 Yes. No. 323 00:12:32,590 --> 00:12:33,789 Not germ tag. 324 00:12:33,814 --> 00:12:36,819 We're proud of you for trying something new. 325 00:12:36,860 --> 00:12:38,293 Thanks, Mommy. 326 00:12:40,308 --> 00:12:42,442 Is that one of those green healthy drinks? 327 00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:43,561 Yeah. 328 00:12:43,645 --> 00:12:46,062 I will not have that in this house. 329 00:12:47,315 --> 00:12:49,899 Dad, I'll leave you to handle this. 330 00:12:49,985 --> 00:12:51,305 Could I talk to you for a minute? 331 00:12:51,369 --> 00:12:52,369 - Okay. - Yeah, please. 332 00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:54,537 - All right. - Okay. 333 00:12:54,656 --> 00:12:55,738 So, you're acting crazy. 334 00:12:55,824 --> 00:12:57,384 You know who drinks those green drinks? 335 00:12:57,459 --> 00:12:58,979 All those horrible women in this town. 336 00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:01,661 I will not have my daughter become one of them... 337 00:13:01,746 --> 00:13:04,230 40-year-olds who are trying to look like teenagers. 338 00:13:04,332 --> 00:13:06,249 But Taylor is a teenager. 339 00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:07,694 I will not have my teenage daughter 340 00:13:07,752 --> 00:13:09,719 acting like a 40-year-old trying to act like a teenager. 341 00:13:09,754 --> 00:13:10,754 Mnh-mnh. 342 00:13:10,839 --> 00:13:12,922 Okay, I'm just gonna relocate these, okay? 343 00:13:14,843 --> 00:13:17,427 You know we have a step stool. 344 00:13:17,512 --> 00:13:18,552 Yeah. 345 00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:19,846 Huh. 346 00:13:19,931 --> 00:13:21,731 Oliver's teacher just e-mailed. 347 00:13:21,816 --> 00:13:23,821 Apparently, today, he brought in a single can 348 00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,963 of expired cat food for the poor. 349 00:13:26,821 --> 00:13:27,937 How do you think we should handle... 350 00:13:28,023 --> 00:13:29,272 Oliver! 351 00:13:29,357 --> 00:13:31,357 Hey, Mom. 352 00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:32,742 Hey, that's my money! 353 00:13:32,827 --> 00:13:34,777 You just lost it all, my friend. 354 00:13:34,913 --> 00:13:37,447 I am giving it to a charity of my choosing. 355 00:13:37,582 --> 00:13:39,782 Mom! That's for my Roth IRA! 356 00:13:39,868 --> 00:13:41,167 Your wha... 357 00:13:41,252 --> 00:13:42,752 I will not have you be one of these 358 00:13:42,837 --> 00:13:44,287 money-obsessed brats in this town. 359 00:13:44,372 --> 00:13:46,673 You are not getting this back until you do something good 360 00:13:46,791 --> 00:13:48,174 for someone other than yourself. 361 00:13:48,259 --> 00:13:50,126 I worked hard to save that money. 362 00:13:50,211 --> 00:13:51,928 This is straight-up communism. 363 00:13:52,013 --> 00:13:52,912 You're right. 364 00:13:53,014 --> 00:13:54,380 It is communism, and I'm... 365 00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:55,965 Who was worse, Lenin or Stalin? 366 00:13:56,051 --> 00:13:58,718 Pretty sure Stalin killed the most people. 367 00:13:58,803 --> 00:13:59,969 I'm Stalin. 368 00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:08,027 I think I'm sick, Mama. 369 00:14:09,364 --> 00:14:11,284 You know how lots of times you think you're sick, 370 00:14:11,316 --> 00:14:12,396 but you're not really sick? 371 00:14:12,450 --> 00:14:13,566 Mm-hmm. 372 00:14:13,652 --> 00:14:15,985 Do you think maybe this is one of those times? 373 00:14:21,923 --> 00:14:24,994 She says she never wants to touch anyone's hand ever again. 374 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,163 She thinks she got sick from partner tag. 375 00:14:27,248 --> 00:14:29,332 Where would she get such a crazy idea? 376 00:14:29,417 --> 00:14:32,001 A science textbook? A doctor? 377 00:14:32,087 --> 00:14:33,087 I knew it. 378 00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:34,138 What? 379 00:14:34,172 --> 00:14:35,338 She gets this from you. 380 00:14:35,473 --> 00:14:37,674 I'm straight-up mentally healthy in the germ department. 381 00:14:37,759 --> 00:14:39,439 Remember that time that cat licked your leg 382 00:14:39,477 --> 00:14:40,360 and you actually screamed? 383 00:14:40,512 --> 00:14:41,761 It had very red lips. 384 00:14:41,846 --> 00:14:42,762 Okay. 385 00:14:42,847 --> 00:14:43,930 Well, this is your mess. 386 00:14:44,015 --> 00:14:45,398 And unless you want our daughter 387 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,150 to never touch another human ever again, 388 00:14:47,235 --> 00:14:48,675 you need to get in there and fix it. 389 00:14:52,774 --> 00:14:53,856 Hi. 390 00:14:53,942 --> 00:14:55,858 Okay. Here it is in a nutshell. 391 00:14:55,944 --> 00:14:58,194 Friends are more important than germs. 392 00:14:59,214 --> 00:15:01,831 - What do you mean, "in a nutshell"? - Forget I said "nutshell." 393 00:15:01,916 --> 00:15:04,033 Friends are more important than germs. 394 00:15:04,119 --> 00:15:06,903 Friends are more important than germs? 395 00:15:07,005 --> 00:15:08,204 That's right. 396 00:15:08,306 --> 00:15:10,373 And someday, you're gonna have a gazillion friends 397 00:15:10,508 --> 00:15:12,425 'cause you are what we call an original. 398 00:15:12,527 --> 00:15:14,127 Just remember to always wash your hands. 399 00:15:14,212 --> 00:15:15,412 And never pee at a state fair. 400 00:15:15,463 --> 00:15:16,463 Greg! 401 00:15:16,564 --> 00:15:18,084 Friends are more important than germs. 402 00:15:20,351 --> 00:15:21,551 Thanks, Daddy. 403 00:15:24,806 --> 00:15:27,273 Hey! 404 00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:30,226 You convinced me. 405 00:15:30,361 --> 00:15:33,229 We've put in our offer well above the asking price. 406 00:15:33,314 --> 00:15:34,314 I had to outbid 407 00:15:34,399 --> 00:15:35,698 some chicken-legged lady in yoga pants. 408 00:15:35,784 --> 00:15:36,816 I love you! 409 00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:39,485 You have no idea how happy I am! 410 00:15:41,122 --> 00:15:43,156 I am so glad you talked us into Westport. 411 00:15:43,241 --> 00:15:45,491 I had to. I couldn't let you go. 412 00:15:45,543 --> 00:15:47,960 Well, we were a little hesitant to move here, to be honest. 413 00:15:49,086 --> 00:15:51,466 - Because of all the rich blacks. - What's that, now? 414 00:15:51,549 --> 00:15:53,029 There are a lot of them, right? 415 00:15:53,107 --> 00:15:55,752 And gays "raising kids" together? 416 00:15:55,837 --> 00:15:57,920 I guess we just do our best to avoid them. 417 00:15:58,006 --> 00:15:59,756 Mm. 418 00:15:59,841 --> 00:16:01,674 See you around! 419 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,426 Was I really willing to let this happen, 420 00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:06,095 to welcome this racist homophobe to the neighborhood 421 00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:07,396 just so I could feel better 422 00:16:07,482 --> 00:16:09,265 about myself and my well-nourished body? 423 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,767 Could I do such a thing 424 00:16:10,902 --> 00:16:12,068 just to keep from becoming 425 00:16:12,153 --> 00:16:13,853 the second-fattest housewife in Westport? 426 00:16:13,938 --> 00:16:14,987 Gail! 427 00:16:16,407 --> 00:16:18,107 Welcome to Westport! 428 00:16:20,028 --> 00:16:23,279 Apparently, I could. 429 00:16:23,994 --> 00:16:27,182 _ 430 00:16:37,889 --> 00:16:40,420 - Madame. - Norman! 431 00:16:40,490 --> 00:16:44,075 Honey, look who's at the door! 432 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,910 I like your sweater. 433 00:16:45,995 --> 00:16:46,995 Oh. 434 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,680 Do you know when you'll be done with it? 435 00:16:49,582 --> 00:16:50,582 Hey, Norman. 436 00:16:50,666 --> 00:16:51,916 Hi. 437 00:16:52,001 --> 00:16:53,384 Hello, little lady. 438 00:16:53,469 --> 00:16:55,686 Friends are more important than germs. 439 00:16:55,788 --> 00:16:57,304 Would you like to be my friend? 440 00:16:59,175 --> 00:17:01,425 I would be honored to be your friend. 441 00:17:01,511 --> 00:17:03,444 I have a friend! 442 00:17:03,563 --> 00:17:05,012 That's wonderful. 443 00:17:05,114 --> 00:17:07,098 Hey. Hey. Come on. Come on. 444 00:17:07,233 --> 00:17:08,899 Come on, sweetie. 445 00:17:08,985 --> 00:17:10,267 Let's go wash that hand. 446 00:17:10,353 --> 00:17:12,319 Sorry for the intrusion. 447 00:17:12,438 --> 00:17:14,905 Oliver said I could find him here. 448 00:17:14,991 --> 00:17:16,941 Uh, it's okay, Mom. I've got this. 449 00:17:17,076 --> 00:17:17,942 Hi, Norm. 450 00:17:18,077 --> 00:17:19,293 Oh, no. 451 00:17:19,445 --> 00:17:21,078 I'm not going anywhere. 452 00:17:21,180 --> 00:17:22,196 Okay. 453 00:17:22,298 --> 00:17:23,447 I finished the yardwork. 454 00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:25,616 No breaks except for a couple bathroom emergencies 455 00:17:25,701 --> 00:17:27,701 and double-time, just like you suggested. 456 00:17:27,787 --> 00:17:30,621 The Wilsons and the Gordons want me back next week! 457 00:17:30,706 --> 00:17:32,123 We're in business! 458 00:17:32,258 --> 00:17:34,008 Here's your cut. 459 00:17:36,045 --> 00:17:37,344 Bye. 460 00:17:39,432 --> 00:17:41,632 I told you to do something good for someone else. 461 00:17:41,717 --> 00:17:43,968 I did something great for someone else. 462 00:17:44,103 --> 00:17:45,352 I taught a man to fish. 463 00:17:45,471 --> 00:17:47,138 Did you see the light in his eyes? 464 00:17:47,223 --> 00:17:49,473 You took money from a homeless person. 465 00:17:49,559 --> 00:17:51,308 Hey, I lined up the jobs for him, 466 00:17:51,444 --> 00:17:53,227 so I got something for my trouble. 467 00:17:53,312 --> 00:17:54,895 It's a little thing called capitalism. 468 00:17:54,981 --> 00:17:55,981 Seriously, Oliver? 469 00:17:56,115 --> 00:17:58,105 You are acting like a pimp in a Lifetime movie. 470 00:17:58,190 --> 00:17:59,654 I don't know what to do with you anymore. 471 00:17:59,753 --> 00:18:01,151 How about nothing? 472 00:18:01,273 --> 00:18:03,033 If I thought I might be a girl on the inside, 473 00:18:03,098 --> 00:18:04,636 you'd let me wear a skirt to school. 474 00:18:04,714 --> 00:18:05,771 This is no different. 475 00:18:05,870 --> 00:18:07,458 I should be allowed to be who I am. 476 00:18:08,325 --> 00:18:09,994 No. 477 00:18:10,079 --> 00:18:11,495 Well, you're not being who you are. 478 00:18:11,631 --> 00:18:12,631 Excuse me? 479 00:18:12,665 --> 00:18:14,065 Anna-Kat told me about scaring away 480 00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:15,916 the thin ladies at the open house. 481 00:18:16,002 --> 00:18:18,169 Very poor example you're setting, Mom. 482 00:18:18,304 --> 00:18:19,753 Damn it. He's right. 483 00:18:19,839 --> 00:18:22,022 When did I start caring about what other people think? 484 00:18:22,141 --> 00:18:24,859 I practically invented food shopping in pajamas. 485 00:18:24,927 --> 00:18:27,678 I'm not gonna let this town change me or my kid. 486 00:18:27,763 --> 00:18:30,524 You are going to donate 20% of that money to the Food Bank. 487 00:18:30,628 --> 00:18:32,850 - 5%. - 15%. 488 00:18:32,935 --> 00:18:34,698 - 6%. - 80%. 489 00:18:35,071 --> 00:18:36,320 10%? 490 00:18:37,523 --> 00:18:38,772 Deal. 491 00:18:41,277 --> 00:18:42,943 I need to fix the mess I made next door 492 00:18:43,029 --> 00:18:44,695 no matter what it takes. 493 00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:46,697 But how do you get a racist homophobe 494 00:18:46,782 --> 00:18:48,699 to fall out of escrow? 495 00:18:48,784 --> 00:18:50,034 Hi, Gail. 496 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:51,368 Hi, neighbor. 497 00:18:51,504 --> 00:18:54,588 I would like for you to meet Angela, my wife and lover. 498 00:18:54,707 --> 00:18:56,490 I've heard so much about you. 499 00:19:02,798 --> 00:19:03,918 Welcome to the neighborhood. 500 00:19:07,303 --> 00:19:10,221 Mom! Front door for you! 501 00:19:10,356 --> 00:19:13,941 Mother of balls, it's Two Fitbits. 502 00:19:15,194 --> 00:19:17,861 Mom, this is our new neighbor, Viv. 503 00:19:17,947 --> 00:19:18,947 Oh, I love your earrings. 504 00:19:19,031 --> 00:19:20,064 Oh, thanks. 505 00:19:20,149 --> 00:19:22,316 - Mom, don't you like them? - No, I don't. 506 00:19:22,401 --> 00:19:24,568 So, you bought the house across the street. 507 00:19:24,704 --> 00:19:27,821 Turns out the first buyer got cold feet. 508 00:19:27,907 --> 00:19:28,907 Hmm. 509 00:19:30,076 --> 00:19:32,910 Your house is so cozy. 510 00:19:32,995 --> 00:19:33,995 Thank you. 511 00:19:34,046 --> 00:19:35,796 Adorable, really. 512 00:19:35,821 --> 00:19:36,903 Yeah, I know. 513 00:19:36,928 --> 00:19:38,249 - It is. - Thank you. 514 00:19:38,334 --> 00:19:41,669 And I'm gonna love getting my hands on you. 515 00:19:41,754 --> 00:19:43,137 Excuse me? 516 00:19:43,222 --> 00:19:44,605 I used to be a big girl. 517 00:19:44,724 --> 00:19:46,590 - I can totally help you. - Mm. 518 00:19:46,676 --> 00:19:49,059 We can go walk-jogging together. 519 00:19:49,145 --> 00:19:50,811 You walk and then you run 520 00:19:50,930 --> 00:19:52,479 and then you walk and then you run. 521 00:19:52,598 --> 00:19:54,431 And then you just run. 522 00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:57,217 Yeah, not one part of that is going to happen. 523 00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:58,602 I love it. 524 00:19:58,738 --> 00:20:00,020 I love you. 525 00:20:00,106 --> 00:20:01,589 You're so real. 526 00:20:01,691 --> 00:20:02,990 And there it was again... 527 00:20:03,092 --> 00:20:05,826 the damning Westport "You're so real." 528 00:20:05,945 --> 00:20:07,861 Oh, you're like a little cherub. 529 00:20:07,947 --> 00:20:09,830 Okay. Mm-hmm. 530 00:20:09,949 --> 00:20:11,415 Oh! 531 00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:13,117 Ooh! 532 00:20:13,202 --> 00:20:15,452 Hey! 533 00:20:15,588 --> 00:20:18,622 I'm gonna buy you a Fitbit. 534 00:20:20,509 --> 00:20:23,294 And the truth is, Two Fitbits was right. 535 00:20:23,379 --> 00:20:26,263 I am real, and I need to keep my kids real 536 00:20:26,349 --> 00:20:28,632 if I'm going to raise them in this town. 537 00:20:28,718 --> 00:20:32,686 I'm not giving up like Fat Pam, so watch out, skinnies. 538 00:20:34,190 --> 00:20:35,356 I'm officially 539 00:20:35,474 --> 00:20:37,074 the second-fattest housewife in Westport. 540 00:20:37,143 --> 00:20:39,643 I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm owning it. 541 00:20:39,729 --> 00:20:41,278 Oh, and also... 542 00:20:41,364 --> 00:20:42,696 I'm eating this. 543 00:20:45,805 --> 00:20:46,888 So, all I have to do 544 00:20:46,988 --> 00:20:48,781 is keep Taylor in bulky sweaters for a few years 545 00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,577 and then try to slap some sense into Oliver. 546 00:20:50,610 --> 00:20:52,043 You look good. 547 00:20:52,886 --> 00:20:53,928 Mnh-mnh. 548 00:20:54,230 --> 00:20:55,246 All right. 549 00:20:55,315 --> 00:20:56,315 I was talking 550 00:20:56,366 --> 00:20:57,815 about the challenges with our children. 551 00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,400 Our kids are fine. 552 00:21:05,909 --> 00:21:07,758 You were saying? 553 00:21:07,827 --> 00:21:10,645 What? You never wanted to take everything red out of your room?