1
00:00:00,470 --> 00:00:02,808
Hmm.
Huh.
2
00:00:02,843 --> 00:00:03,842
Hyah!
3
00:00:03,844 --> 00:00:05,343
Yes! Nothing but cart!
4
00:00:05,395 --> 00:00:07,596
Hey, Zorn, we got you
a new shower curtain.
5
00:00:07,648 --> 00:00:09,431
And a comforter for your guest bed.
6
00:00:09,483 --> 00:00:11,016
Aw, come on,
who needs a comforter?
7
00:00:11,068 --> 00:00:13,018
If we get cold,
we'll start an apartment fire.
8
00:00:13,020 --> 00:00:14,903
If we're gonna let Alan stay
with you for the whole weekend,
9
00:00:14,938 --> 00:00:17,022
you have to let us turn
your place into something
10
00:00:17,074 --> 00:00:18,673
- a little less...
- Horrible.
11
00:00:18,708 --> 00:00:19,357
Yeah, I think I know how
12
00:00:19,409 --> 00:00:20,992
to look out
for the welfare of my child.
13
00:00:21,028 --> 00:00:23,061
- Vodka and chainsaws?
- Yeah, that's right.
14
00:00:23,096 --> 00:00:25,330
Father and son
warrior weekend!
15
00:00:25,365 --> 00:00:27,616
Weekend, weekend, weekend...
16
00:00:27,668 --> 00:00:28,934
- What?
- Hey, Mom.
17
00:00:28,969 --> 00:00:30,786
- Can I get these?
- Skateboarding?
18
00:00:30,838 --> 00:00:32,587
Come on. You want to
do something extreme,
19
00:00:32,623 --> 00:00:35,040
I'll take you hiking.
I saw a snake once.
20
00:00:35,042 --> 00:00:36,708
- Come on.
- Okay.
21
00:00:36,743 --> 00:00:38,293
But you have to get
a helmet and pads.
22
00:00:38,328 --> 00:00:40,279
- What?
- A helmet, Edie? Come on.
23
00:00:40,314 --> 00:00:41,680
You might as well make
the kid skateboard in a diaper.
24
00:00:41,715 --> 00:00:45,383
Hey! No helmets at my place
this weekend, buddy.
25
00:00:45,419 --> 00:00:46,768
It's gonna be anarchy!
26
00:00:46,804 --> 00:00:48,820
We're gonna crack
all the skulls we want!
27
00:00:48,856 --> 00:00:50,222
- Zorn.
- What?
28
00:00:50,224 --> 00:00:51,873
I know you want Alan
to think you're cool
29
00:00:51,909 --> 00:00:54,810
and fun, but you can't be
his father and his friend.
30
00:00:54,862 --> 00:00:56,061
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
31
00:00:56,113 --> 00:00:58,730
- I should stop being his father.
- I'm saying,
32
00:00:58,732 --> 00:01:01,283
if Alan were to end up
hurt or arrested,
33
00:01:01,318 --> 00:01:03,735
he will never be allowed
at your house again,
34
00:01:03,737 --> 00:01:05,654
- ever.
- Okay, okay, fine, fine,
35
00:01:05,706 --> 00:01:07,405
fine, fine, I'll be
the king of safety.
36
00:01:07,407 --> 00:01:09,324
Now, if you'll excuse me.
37
00:01:10,711 --> 00:01:12,774
Whoo...
38
00:01:14,598 --> 00:01:19,000
Oh, my head.
So glad I didn't wear a helmet.
39
00:01:19,036 --> 00:01:21,286
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
40
00:01:25,777 --> 00:01:29,227
Okay, Internet, just tell me how
to be safe with my teenage son.
41
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:30,996
"Abstinence"?
42
00:01:31,031 --> 00:01:32,948
Well, I think Alangulon's got
that covered already.
43
00:01:32,983 --> 00:01:34,883
Got 'em.
44
00:01:34,918 --> 00:01:37,586
I do love him, though.
45
00:01:37,621 --> 00:01:39,104
Ah, now I feel bad.
46
00:01:39,156 --> 00:01:40,405
You know what?
I'm gonna tell him I said that.
47
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,857
That'll make me feel better.
48
00:01:46,530 --> 00:01:48,246
My dad is so lame.
49
00:01:48,282 --> 00:01:51,583
No, dude, your dad's awesome.
50
00:01:51,618 --> 00:01:53,201
So cool.
51
00:01:53,237 --> 00:01:56,872
Looks like your new best friend
Jeff is back from suspension.
52
00:01:56,907 --> 00:01:58,256
He's not my best friend,
we just hang out in study hall.
53
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:01,042
- I think he's bad news, man.
- No, he's cool.
54
00:02:01,094 --> 00:02:03,378
He's like... a walking
middle finger to adults.
55
00:02:03,430 --> 00:02:05,297
That's not cool.
What?
56
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:09,718
- Yo, son of Zorn, what up?
- Yo, what is up?
57
00:02:09,770 --> 00:02:11,469
What is up?
I don't care what's up.
58
00:02:11,471 --> 00:02:13,772
I'm down for whatevers.
59
00:02:13,807 --> 00:02:15,307
Uh, so what are you guys
doing this weekend, huh?
60
00:02:15,309 --> 00:02:17,542
You just gonna, like,
vape up ho-style?
61
00:02:17,578 --> 00:02:18,777
We were gonna drink
some brews at Nadia's,
62
00:02:18,812 --> 00:02:21,112
but her mom got out of the
hospital early, so that sucks.
63
00:02:21,148 --> 00:02:24,466
- Oh, lame mom.
- Totally, what are you doing?
64
00:02:24,501 --> 00:02:26,618
He's got a sleepover
at his dad's this weekend,
65
00:02:26,653 --> 00:02:28,136
- right, yeah?
- Oh, you know, it's like...
66
00:02:28,171 --> 00:02:30,322
gonna be like a crazy...
super party
67
00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:32,073
sleepover, not a sleepover,
more like...
68
00:02:32,109 --> 00:02:33,458
'cause we're not
gonna be sleeping!
69
00:02:33,493 --> 00:02:37,329
We're gonna be
"Ah, party, party... party. Ah, rage on."
70
00:02:37,381 --> 00:02:38,663
So you guys should
just roll on by,
71
00:02:38,665 --> 00:02:40,782
roll up in that... house party.
72
00:02:40,817 --> 00:02:42,367
It's an apartment,
but you should roll up in.
73
00:02:42,402 --> 00:02:44,469
Totally.
Shoot me the address.
74
00:02:44,504 --> 00:02:46,922
Yeah, I'm gonna text you
that address, with a text.
75
00:02:46,957 --> 00:02:49,057
- And it's gonna...
- Mr. Holstein.
76
00:02:49,092 --> 00:02:50,892
What did I tell you about
sitting on the lab tables?
77
00:02:50,928 --> 00:02:52,477
I don't know, what'd I tell
you about bumping into me
78
00:02:52,512 --> 00:02:54,312
at the mall with your weird kid?
79
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,514
Principal's office.
Now.
80
00:02:56,550 --> 00:02:58,516
Why you got to ride my nuts?
81
00:03:01,455 --> 00:03:04,255
Yeah, let's see
82
00:03:04,291 --> 00:03:06,925
what Alangulon's hilarious
response to my invite is.
83
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,210
I hope he says no, but then,
in the comments writes
84
00:03:09,246 --> 00:03:11,463
"Psych, I love you so much, Dad."
85
00:03:11,498 --> 00:03:15,684
Let's see, uh...
okay, he opened it, but no reply.
86
00:03:15,719 --> 00:03:17,285
Hmm.
87
00:03:17,321 --> 00:03:20,789
"For a good time, call Eric."
88
00:03:22,392 --> 00:03:25,093
- Hello?
- Oh, hey, Eric? Hi, this is Zorn.
89
00:03:25,128 --> 00:03:27,262
Uh, I got your number off
the bathroom wall here.
90
00:03:27,297 --> 00:03:29,798
Evidently, you seem to be a good
time expert, is that correct?
91
00:03:31,535 --> 00:03:32,968
Well, I'm just looking
for something to do
92
00:03:33,003 --> 00:03:34,202
with my 17-year-old.
93
00:03:34,237 --> 00:03:38,340
Ew, no! No, I'm
not gonna do that with my son.
94
00:03:38,375 --> 00:03:41,776
- Why?
- Because laser tag is dumb.
95
00:03:41,812 --> 00:03:44,696
I... it's just that my son and I
are still having trouble connecting.
96
00:03:44,731 --> 00:03:47,365
So I-I really need this
weekend to be kick-ass.
97
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:48,500
Oh!
98
00:03:48,535 --> 00:03:49,985
Nothing but
the bottom of the can!
99
00:03:50,037 --> 00:03:51,353
I mean, you get it, yeah?
100
00:03:51,388 --> 00:03:53,455
You're the world's greatest
dad, you know what I'm saying.
101
00:03:53,490 --> 00:03:55,490
I just wish my ex
would get off my back
102
00:03:55,525 --> 00:03:56,758
with all her lame-ass rules.
103
00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:58,193
You know, she's got a curfew,
104
00:03:58,228 --> 00:04:00,929
there's no alcohol,
no instruments of chaos.
105
00:04:00,964 --> 00:04:03,548
Todd!
Help me out here.
106
00:04:04,801 --> 00:04:09,054
- I'm actually a divorced dad, too.
- Wow, they let you keep the mug.
107
00:04:09,089 --> 00:04:10,972
The first weekend
I watched my kid,
108
00:04:11,008 --> 00:04:14,642
uh, I let her ride her bike
without a-a helmet.
109
00:04:14,678 --> 00:04:16,861
- I had to take her to the ER.
- Hmm.
110
00:04:16,897 --> 00:04:21,332
After that, my wife refused
to let me watch Amanda alone.
111
00:04:21,368 --> 00:04:24,486
It's... it's been hard.
112
00:04:24,521 --> 00:04:28,957
- It's been really hard.
- Gonna be honest with you, Todd,
113
00:04:28,992 --> 00:04:30,675
you may be
the world's greatest dad,
114
00:04:30,711 --> 00:04:33,127
but you are not the world's
greatest storyteller.
115
00:04:33,797 --> 00:04:35,830
Ooh!
Three meatballs on a spoon.
116
00:04:35,866 --> 00:04:38,183
- Make a wish.
- I wish you'd stop eating soup.
117
00:04:38,218 --> 00:04:39,567
That's your third bowl.
118
00:04:39,603 --> 00:04:40,919
I'm making dinner.
119
00:04:40,954 --> 00:04:42,946
Edie, when I'm on my death bed,
do you think I'm gonna
120
00:04:42,947 --> 00:04:45,623
look back and go, "Oh, I
wish I'd have had less soup?"
121
00:04:45,625 --> 00:04:50,295
- I don't think so.
- Yo, ready to go to Dad's.
122
00:04:50,347 --> 00:04:52,297
- Wow, you seem excited.
- Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
123
00:04:52,349 --> 00:04:53,515
Hanging out, Dad and I.
124
00:04:53,550 --> 00:04:55,016
Maybe get to know each other
kind of thing.
125
00:04:55,052 --> 00:04:57,886
So, don't forget you have that
planetary science paper due Monday.
126
00:04:57,938 --> 00:05:00,388
- I know.
- And just because you're staying at your dad's,
127
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:01,439
it doesn't mean
the rules are different.
128
00:05:01,475 --> 00:05:03,174
I know, Mom, God.
129
00:05:03,210 --> 00:05:05,477
- Why you got to ride my nuts?
- What?!
130
00:05:05,529 --> 00:05:06,945
Oh, my.
131
00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:09,798
"Ride my nuts?"
Where did you hear that?
132
00:05:09,833 --> 00:05:12,517
- Ch... from a friend.
- That doesn't sound like Scott.
133
00:05:12,552 --> 00:05:15,120
- Well, I have other friends.
- Like who?
134
00:05:15,155 --> 00:05:18,973
- I don't know. Jeff.
- Jeff Holstein?
135
00:05:19,009 --> 00:05:20,842
The kid who pulled down
the grief counselor's pants?
136
00:05:20,877 --> 00:05:23,995
- That was hilarious.
- I've been pantsed.
137
00:05:24,030 --> 00:05:25,463
I've been pantsed many times.
138
00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,665
And it is not hilarious.
139
00:05:27,717 --> 00:05:29,717
Well, I don't like you
hanging out with him.
140
00:05:29,753 --> 00:05:34,005
Whatever, I guess
I'm just gonna wait in the car.
141
00:05:35,142 --> 00:05:37,008
See, this is what worries me.
142
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:38,643
He doesn't realize he's still a kid.
143
00:05:38,678 --> 00:05:43,014
He needs rules.
I just hope Zorn gets that.
144
00:05:43,016 --> 00:05:46,851
Just relax, look, this is gonna
be a great weekend.
145
00:05:46,903 --> 00:05:48,186
Promise me you're
gonna have a good time
146
00:05:48,188 --> 00:05:51,106
with the Pattersons tonight.
Hmm?
147
00:05:51,158 --> 00:05:52,941
- Okay, I promise.
- Good.
148
00:05:52,993 --> 00:05:54,659
I just hope Bill doesn't tell
that boring story
149
00:05:54,694 --> 00:05:56,361
about Queen Latifah again.
150
00:05:56,413 --> 00:06:00,949
Hey, let's not ride
Bill Patterson's nuts too, okay?
151
00:06:00,984 --> 00:06:02,767
You ready
152
00:06:02,803 --> 00:06:04,636
for a kick-ass weekend?
Are you psyched?
153
00:06:04,671 --> 00:06:06,070
- Oh, I'm psyched.
- You're psyched, right?
154
00:06:06,106 --> 00:06:08,289
- I'm psyched.
- Oh, you're so psyched.
155
00:06:08,341 --> 00:06:09,991
It's gonna be total anarchy.
156
00:06:11,444 --> 00:06:13,278
- Uh... yeah, yeah, sure.
- Right?
157
00:06:13,313 --> 00:06:14,712
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
158
00:06:14,748 --> 00:06:16,181
"Anarchy."
Yeah, oh, yeah.
159
00:06:16,216 --> 00:06:17,632
Well, I know last
time it wasn't so great,
160
00:06:17,684 --> 00:06:20,385
but welcome to
Casa del Zorn 2.0.
161
00:06:20,437 --> 00:06:21,920
Hey, uh, you see
the swim flippers?
162
00:06:21,955 --> 00:06:23,288
And the, uh, couch there?
Those are new.
163
00:06:23,323 --> 00:06:25,757
And, uh...
Oh, best dad in the world.
164
00:06:25,792 --> 00:06:27,192
Also here. Part of the tour.
165
00:06:27,227 --> 00:06:29,744
And, uh, oh.
Refrigerator.
166
00:06:29,779 --> 00:06:31,479
Now, I know
what you're thinking,
167
00:06:31,515 --> 00:06:33,915
that's a butt-load of hummus,
but where's the pita?
168
00:06:33,950 --> 00:06:35,116
Well, I forgot to buy it.
169
00:06:35,152 --> 00:06:37,185
Hey, I'll take one of those
cold beer cans.
170
00:06:37,220 --> 00:06:39,871
- Hmm.
- Uno cerveza, por favor?
171
00:06:39,906 --> 00:06:41,472
"One beer for me" in Spanish.
172
00:06:41,508 --> 00:06:42,907
A beer?
No, come on, no.
173
00:06:42,943 --> 00:06:44,309
Y-you don't want a beer.
174
00:06:44,344 --> 00:06:46,945
No, beer makes your...
your hands cold.
175
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:50,415
Brr. Hey, but don't worry.
We've got...
176
00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:52,066
milk, milk, milk, milk...
177
00:06:52,102 --> 00:06:54,552
- Hey, what's that thing?
- Oh, this baby?
178
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,671
Oh, this is a lava launcher.
Here, check it out.
179
00:06:56,706 --> 00:06:59,240
Oh, watch out.
180
00:06:59,276 --> 00:07:02,119
Yeah, I mean, lately I've just
been using it to defrost meat.
181
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,896
Or fish sometimes, when I'm
thinking about the old cholesterol.
182
00:07:04,931 --> 00:07:06,681
So that thing could do some
pretty serious damage.
183
00:07:06,733 --> 00:07:08,666
Oh, hell yeah.
No, this thing
184
00:07:08,702 --> 00:07:10,568
will melt your face right off!
185
00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:13,705
Yeah!
So, I-I probably shouldn't
186
00:07:13,706 --> 00:07:16,007
leave it lying around like this.
Uh, so, uh...
187
00:07:16,042 --> 00:07:17,742
well... put that there.
188
00:07:17,777 --> 00:07:20,111
And, um... and there.
189
00:07:20,163 --> 00:07:21,763
Over here.
190
00:07:21,798 --> 00:07:23,715
Here, smooth that out a little bit.
191
00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:25,116
And for good measure.
All right, there we go.
192
00:07:25,151 --> 00:07:27,285
- All gone.
- So that's the tour, huh?
193
00:07:27,337 --> 00:07:28,620
Oh, not quite.
194
00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:32,290
Ta-da!
Check it out.
195
00:07:32,292 --> 00:07:35,093
Got you a sick place right here
to draw up battle plans,
196
00:07:35,128 --> 00:07:37,896
or, uh, compose
war ballads about me,
197
00:07:37,931 --> 00:07:39,514
or, or, maybe even
do your homework.
198
00:07:39,549 --> 00:07:42,717
- Oh, okay, these are Mom's rules.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
199
00:07:42,752 --> 00:07:44,819
no, these... yeah, these
are your mom's rules, yeah.
200
00:07:44,854 --> 00:07:46,120
But, but the most
important rule,
201
00:07:46,156 --> 00:07:50,608
and boy did she stress this,
is that we got to have fun.
202
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:52,610
Hey, this almost feels
like a real room, right?
203
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:54,012
It's crazy to think
that the previous tenant
204
00:07:54,047 --> 00:07:57,105
died under a mountain of
Lane Bryant catalogs in here.
205
00:07:57,582 --> 00:08:01,353
This is an absolute blow-out.
I don't even want to think
206
00:08:01,388 --> 00:08:04,472
what must be going through
his opponent's head right now.
207
00:08:04,524 --> 00:08:06,474
- Ow.
- Hit 'em with the Hein!
208
00:08:06,476 --> 00:08:07,776
Double touchdown.
209
00:08:07,811 --> 00:08:10,645
That's what I'm talking about.
And that's cool with me
210
00:08:10,697 --> 00:08:12,314
'cause that lamp sucked.
Your mom made me get that lamp.
211
00:08:12,316 --> 00:08:14,783
Not really my style,
I'm more of a torch guy.
212
00:08:14,818 --> 00:08:17,819
Oh, what's up, you getting ready
to do a halftime show for me?
213
00:08:17,871 --> 00:08:20,038
No, I'm just really beat.
I'm gonna go to the room.
214
00:08:20,073 --> 00:08:21,907
Hey, hey, I, you know,
I-I just hope all these rules
215
00:08:21,942 --> 00:08:24,993
- aren't harshin' your mellow.
- They're just mellowing my mellow.
216
00:08:25,028 --> 00:08:26,861
You know you said this weekend
was gonna be total anarchy.
217
00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:29,798
I thought we'd be like raging,
and chugging, and blasting.
218
00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:32,083
But instead it's just
been, like, sitting.
219
00:08:32,135 --> 00:08:35,020
I'm just gonna go
watch some Ferrari poster.
220
00:08:39,009 --> 00:08:41,359
Oh, man.
221
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:48,683
"Sorry, Jeff.
Can't hang, feeling sick.
222
00:08:48,685 --> 00:08:52,487
Think I over-vaped."
223
00:08:52,522 --> 00:08:55,624
- That's stupid.
- Hey, buddy, listen, I, you know,
224
00:08:55,625 --> 00:08:58,610
I was just thinking out here,
maybe, uh, maybe we could
225
00:08:58,662 --> 00:09:02,047
- ease up a little bit on your mom's rules.
- Really?
226
00:09:02,082 --> 00:09:04,816
Want to just toss me one of those,
uh, beer can guys?
227
00:09:04,851 --> 00:09:08,303
Oh, no, no, no!
Sorry, I'm, I'm drinking both of these.
228
00:09:14,928 --> 00:09:17,178
Nice.
229
00:09:17,214 --> 00:09:18,880
Did I ever tell you
about the time when,
230
00:09:18,932 --> 00:09:21,766
uh, Queen Latifah
gave me a high-five?
231
00:09:21,802 --> 00:09:23,051
- Oh...
- This is good.
232
00:09:23,103 --> 00:09:25,804
- Yes.
- Well, as you know, before I was a doctor,
233
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:27,722
- Hmm.
- I was a production assistant
234
00:09:27,724 --> 00:09:29,524
on Living Single.
235
00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:30,642
Oh.
236
00:09:30,694 --> 00:09:32,143
- Edie?
- Hey.
237
00:09:32,195 --> 00:09:34,145
- Oh, oh!
- Edie!
238
00:09:34,197 --> 00:09:35,814
- Oh, my God.
- Oh my... Bill.
239
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,782
Calm down, everyone.
240
00:09:37,818 --> 00:09:39,284
Edie?
Are you okay?
241
00:09:39,319 --> 00:09:41,619
- Edie.
- She doesn't have a pulse.
242
00:09:41,655 --> 00:09:43,071
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
243
00:09:43,073 --> 00:09:44,789
- God, okay.
- I'm gonna get someone here.
244
00:09:44,825 --> 00:09:46,124
- I'm gonna start CPR.
- Okay.
245
00:09:46,159 --> 00:09:48,877
- Oh.
- Billy Patterson?
246
00:09:48,912 --> 00:09:51,413
- I do declare.
- What the hell?
247
00:09:51,415 --> 00:09:53,081
Hey, Bill, look.
248
00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:55,050
The look on your face, Bill!
249
00:09:55,085 --> 00:09:56,134
- What just happened?
- Oh.
250
00:09:56,169 --> 00:09:57,385
Oh, you were just like,
251
00:09:57,421 --> 00:10:00,171
"Oh, my Lord, my dear friend
is no longer living."
252
00:10:00,223 --> 00:10:03,341
Wait, w-what just happened?
She was clinically dead.
253
00:10:03,393 --> 00:10:05,844
Well, I can kind of stop my
heart for a couple minutes.
254
00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:08,430
It's just a fun little
trick I learned at Zephyria.
255
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,982
Why would anyone
ever need to learn that?
256
00:10:11,018 --> 00:10:12,267
My ex-husband
taught me how to do it
257
00:10:12,319 --> 00:10:13,601
in case our fortress was sacked.
258
00:10:13,603 --> 00:10:16,855
- Oh.
- So they'd leave you for dead?
259
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:19,157
Oh, there was this one time
when Zorn needed a power crystal
260
00:10:19,192 --> 00:10:21,993
that these corpse-eating
beetles were guarding.
261
00:10:22,029 --> 00:10:24,195
And of course I didn't
want to be the bait,
262
00:10:24,247 --> 00:10:26,448
but he kept pressuring
me and pressuring me...
263
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:29,250
and pressuring me and...
264
00:10:29,286 --> 00:10:32,037
Hey, Zorn, it's me.
I know I didn't mention it before,
265
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:35,540
but do not teach
Alan how to stop his heart.
266
00:10:35,592 --> 00:10:39,010
I was obviously able to pick it up,
but remember, Colleen died.
267
00:10:39,046 --> 00:10:40,762
Edie?
268
00:10:40,797 --> 00:10:43,298
- Uh, I've got to go, that's it. Bye.
- Hey.
269
00:10:43,350 --> 00:10:46,184
What are you doing in here?
Shirley is pounding the good wine.
270
00:10:46,219 --> 00:10:48,520
Oh. I just came in
to get some lip balm.
271
00:10:48,555 --> 00:10:52,474
Lip balm? Sweetie, you know
how addictive lip balm is.
272
00:10:52,476 --> 00:10:54,809
What the hell, let me have some.
273
00:10:54,861 --> 00:10:57,062
Mm. Yeah,
that's good balm.
274
00:10:58,148 --> 00:11:00,148
Mm, yeah, I like that.
275
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,399
Okay, that's...
that's good.
276
00:11:01,451 --> 00:11:02,650
- Honey, honey, honey...
- What?
277
00:11:02,702 --> 00:11:05,703
Hey, so it's cool
if I have friends over still, right?
278
00:11:05,739 --> 00:11:07,655
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No problem.
279
00:11:07,707 --> 00:11:09,941
I mean, as long as
they're not total wads.
280
00:11:09,976 --> 00:11:12,444
Hey, sorry, Eric. Yeah, my
kid's having friends over.
281
00:11:12,479 --> 00:11:14,262
I'm in a little bit
of a pickle, though.
282
00:11:14,297 --> 00:11:15,964
I mean, I want
to impress these teens,
283
00:11:15,999 --> 00:11:17,632
but I also need to obey
Edie's rules, you know?
284
00:11:17,667 --> 00:11:19,300
I don't know
if you're trying to be funny
285
00:11:19,336 --> 00:11:20,869
by calling me again,
I just don't appreciate...
286
00:11:20,904 --> 00:11:22,604
Hey, that's a good idea.
287
00:11:22,639 --> 00:11:25,340
Comedy is a universal
language, yeah.
288
00:11:25,375 --> 00:11:28,343
You know what? You're the best
bathroom guy I've ever called.
289
00:11:34,935 --> 00:11:37,685
P-chaw!
290
00:11:40,273 --> 00:11:43,191
- Oh, Jeff, yo, what's up?
- What's up, Guns?
291
00:11:43,243 --> 00:11:45,360
Nice shirt, yeah.
I'm just... different way.
292
00:11:45,412 --> 00:11:46,444
You guys know Son of Zorn?
293
00:11:46,496 --> 00:11:47,662
- Yeah.
- No.
294
00:11:47,697 --> 00:11:49,364
No. Yeah, no...
295
00:11:49,399 --> 00:11:53,251
- Ya know... uh...
- Whoa, that's a lot of hummus.
296
00:11:53,286 --> 00:11:55,703
- Hummus sucks!
- Yeah, hummus sucks!
297
00:11:55,755 --> 00:11:57,789
Probably some dumb chick
left it over here.
298
00:11:57,841 --> 00:12:01,176
If you want to get up on some
beer and get it in your mouths?
299
00:12:01,211 --> 00:12:02,627
Hey, did someone order
a party elf?
300
00:12:02,662 --> 00:12:06,731
Hi, I am Dingle,
from the Elvin land of Huff.
301
00:12:06,766 --> 00:12:10,418
I have traveled from afar to
fulfill all your sexual desires.
302
00:12:11,721 --> 00:12:13,138
That's just what
party elves say.
303
00:12:13,173 --> 00:12:14,556
I'm not actually
gonna do that last thing.
304
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:15,540
Hey, what's up, dudes?
305
00:12:15,575 --> 00:12:17,325
I'm Zorn, Alangulon's dad.
306
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,395
I'm sure he's already told you
how bonkers I am.
307
00:12:21,898 --> 00:12:23,448
Hyah!
308
00:12:23,483 --> 00:12:24,732
- What the hell?!
- What?
309
00:12:24,768 --> 00:12:26,234
He looked!
You looked, right?
310
00:12:26,236 --> 00:12:28,203
Come on, don't you guys
have that game here?
311
00:12:28,238 --> 00:12:30,121
- It's huge in Zephyria.
- Okay, you just assaulted a teenager.
312
00:12:30,157 --> 00:12:31,906
- It's not cool!
- You know what?
313
00:12:31,958 --> 00:12:33,541
You're right, Alangulon.
314
00:12:33,577 --> 00:12:35,660
Not cool for an adult
to do that to a kid, no.
315
00:12:35,712 --> 00:12:37,212
Hey, but you know what is cool?
316
00:12:37,247 --> 00:12:39,764
A little Blues Traveler,
Live at Red Rocks, ha ha.
317
00:12:39,799 --> 00:12:42,400
- Your dad's super weird.
- Yeah, super weird.
318
00:12:42,435 --> 00:12:43,768
Oh, oh!
Found it, found it.
319
00:12:43,803 --> 00:12:45,703
Oh, yeah!
320
00:12:45,739 --> 00:12:47,889
You know, Alangulon, you were
actually conceived to this song.
321
00:12:47,924 --> 00:12:49,557
Yeah, we're just gonna go.
322
00:12:49,593 --> 00:12:52,093
We're just gonna hit this skate
spot and throw bricks at stuff.
323
00:12:52,095 --> 00:12:54,095
Oh, you know what?
Uh, if you're gonna...
324
00:12:54,097 --> 00:12:55,580
gonna do some destruction,
325
00:12:55,615 --> 00:12:57,882
I probably have a thing
that you might be into.
326
00:13:02,022 --> 00:13:05,623
♪ Oh, once upon
a midnight dreary ♪
327
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,275
♪ I wo... I wo... I wo... ♪
328
00:13:07,327 --> 00:13:09,110
Aw, damn it, come on!
329
00:13:09,162 --> 00:13:11,029
I...
330
00:13:11,064 --> 00:13:13,281
shouldn't have taken these
CDs to the beach, I guess,
331
00:13:13,283 --> 00:13:16,451
is the lesson there, but then,
what's the point of having 'em, right?
332
00:13:16,453 --> 00:13:18,019
Oh, oh, are we leaving?
Okay.
333
00:13:18,054 --> 00:13:20,705
It's a little short notice, but I
can be ready in five mementos, okay?
334
00:13:20,757 --> 00:13:22,373
I just got to rub some lotion
on my strap rash.
335
00:13:22,425 --> 00:13:23,625
You know what?
No, it's cool.
336
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:26,127
We're just gonna go meet some
friends at the hockey rink,
337
00:13:26,179 --> 00:13:27,462
and no one's bringing their dads.
338
00:13:27,464 --> 00:13:28,913
So you wouldn't have
anyone to talk to
339
00:13:28,949 --> 00:13:30,882
about dad stuff or anything.
340
00:13:30,934 --> 00:13:33,968
Uh, yeah, but I mean, your
curfew is in 20 minutes, so...
341
00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:37,272
What?
Oh, "curfew." What?
342
00:13:37,307 --> 00:13:39,807
Remember how we said
we're not gonna follow
343
00:13:39,809 --> 00:13:41,142
- all of Mom's rules, right?
- Y-Yeah.
344
00:13:41,144 --> 00:13:42,894
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, okay.
345
00:13:42,929 --> 00:13:44,457
You get out of here, okay,
and go have fun.
346
00:13:44,492 --> 00:13:47,765
Be safe, or not. Whatever.
Who cares?
347
00:13:47,801 --> 00:13:49,693
Hey, if you die or get
maimed, we'll just tell your
348
00:13:49,694 --> 00:13:52,224
mom you were already like
that when you got here, right?
349
00:13:53,242 --> 00:13:55,663
Thanks for coming.
You guys drive safe.
350
00:13:55,712 --> 00:13:56,887
Thanks for having us!
351
00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:01,873
Now tell me, haven't those two
over didn't help take your
352
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:04,242
- mind off of Alan and Zorn.
- No, it did. Thanks, sweetie.
353
00:14:04,294 --> 00:14:07,087
- It was fun.
- Yeah, good.
354
00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:10,748
Hey, you know
what else would be fun?
355
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,551
- What's that?
- Having sex on this couch.
356
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:17,388
We have the whole place to ourselves.
357
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:20,174
Oh, I like
"Three Chardonnays Craig."
358
00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:23,344
Well, I love "Three Servings
of Mashed Potatoes Edie."
359
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,650
- Edie.
- Mm-hmm?
360
00:14:29,686 --> 00:14:31,119
You're texting Alan
right now, aren't you?
361
00:14:31,154 --> 00:14:35,857
No, I'm, um... I'm looking
for a good couch sex song.
362
00:14:35,859 --> 00:14:38,526
Alan is almost an adult.
You can trust him.
363
00:14:38,528 --> 00:14:40,945
I know, I just can't stop
thinking about Zorn.
364
00:14:40,997 --> 00:14:42,897
Okay, well, whatever
gets you there, baby.
365
00:14:42,932 --> 00:14:45,416
- Craig!
- I'm sorry. Okay, look...
366
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,168
It's obvious you're not
gonna be able to relax
367
00:14:47,203 --> 00:14:49,287
and have sex with me on this couch until
368
00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:51,372
we go and see for
ourselves that he's okay.
369
00:14:51,374 --> 00:14:53,424
Thank you.
I'll get the keys.
370
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:56,878
All right, but...
couch check on the rain sex.
371
00:14:56,930 --> 00:15:01,015
"Couch sex on the rain..."
I'm wasted!
372
00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:03,534
Let there be light!
373
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,102
Good as new.
374
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,371
And for that,
you deserve a treat.
375
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,057
♪ Meat, meat,
beautiful treat ♪
376
00:15:10,093 --> 00:15:13,377
♪ Eat it in bed, get it
all over your sheets ♪
377
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,713
♪ Sheet meat
a beautiful treat ♪
378
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,382
♪ Wake up in the morning
fish the meat out your feet ♪
379
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,658
♪ Feet meat
a beautiful treat ♪
380
00:15:20,693 --> 00:15:22,203
♪ Da duh duh da... ♪
381
00:15:22,238 --> 00:15:24,822
Now, just gotta get the
lava launcher here. Um...
382
00:15:24,858 --> 00:15:27,291
What the hell?
383
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:28,783
Pick up, pick up,
pick up, come on.
384
00:15:28,818 --> 00:15:31,579
Ugh!
Hey, uh, son, it's Dad again.
385
00:15:31,581 --> 00:15:33,581
It's just, um...
I-I'm missing something.
386
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:36,300
You know, no big deal,
but starting to get nervous
387
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,169
but, like, in a...
in a very cool way.
388
00:15:38,221 --> 00:15:41,372
So if you get this, just, uh,
holla back, girl!
389
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:45,293
Lava... launcher... accidents.
390
00:15:45,328 --> 00:15:47,228
What's up, Larry Nation?
This is Larry.
391
00:15:47,263 --> 00:15:49,597
I just got back
from a trip to Zephyria...
392
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:53,167
and I smuggled this bad boy
through customs.
393
00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:54,936
Now, I'm gonna press
this button right here,
394
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:57,605
which looks like the "safety" button...
395
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,226
Oh, you dumbass!
396
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:03,895
You... Oh, wait.
397
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,696
Eric, I'm freaking out over here.
398
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:08,799
I tried being more permissive
to make Alangulon happy,
399
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:10,535
but now I'm worried he's gonna
get killed by lava.
400
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,904
I mean, why is it do hard
to be a father and a friend?
401
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:14,505
- I just don...
- I don't know you.
402
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:15,973
You're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.
403
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,475
I'm making this all about me again.
404
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,277
No, go ahead, please.
Tell me more about you.
405
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,511
I'm an accountant.
406
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:22,213
Wow, so you work
in accounting. Where?
407
00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:23,447
At Sanitation Solutions.
408
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:27,151
Oh, no way! I work at
Sanitation Solutions, too.
409
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:28,019
I mean, what are the odds
that you would have
410
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:29,387
your number
on a bathroom wall,
411
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:31,322
and I'm the guy calling it?
412
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:34,058
Well, I should probably
go find my kid.
413
00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:35,576
Oh, what's up?
414
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,931
- How you doing?
- Yeah.
415
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,833
- What up?
- Nighttime, yeah.
416
00:16:42,885 --> 00:16:44,869
All right, Son of Zorn...
show 'em.
417
00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,203
Check this out.
Check it out.
418
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,872
All right.
419
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:52,159
All right, there she blows.
420
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,129
So what do you say
we line up some cans
421
00:16:55,164 --> 00:16:57,582
and just let...
show 'em who-who's boss.
422
00:17:03,306 --> 00:17:05,957
- Let's melt some cars.
- W-What?
423
00:17:07,677 --> 00:17:09,427
Cars? Those have...
424
00:17:09,479 --> 00:17:11,262
Those are, like, sup...
Those are people's cars.
425
00:17:11,314 --> 00:17:13,798
- Yeah.
- Yeah, but if you do that, then, like,
426
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:15,316
- they won't be able to drive...
- Who cares?
427
00:17:15,351 --> 00:17:17,168
I don't care. Yeah.
428
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,437
That's a dumb one right there.
I'm gonna...
429
00:17:19,489 --> 00:17:20,838
blast it a new one.
430
00:17:29,165 --> 00:17:31,749
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not
gonna shoot a car, all right?
431
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,534
- Weak.
- Why?
432
00:17:33,536 --> 00:17:34,952
I mean, what if one
of those cars belonged
433
00:17:35,004 --> 00:17:36,370
to some other cool kids
who don't care about anything?
434
00:17:36,372 --> 00:17:37,205
And then... we'd be
435
00:17:37,206 --> 00:17:38,926
- hurting our own, then.
- Weak, man.
436
00:17:38,961 --> 00:17:39,707
- Come on, just give it.
- No, come on, seriously.
437
00:17:39,709 --> 00:17:42,005
If we don't melt the cars,
then they go unmelted.
438
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,928
- Yeah, exactly. Ah, ah, ah...
- You want that?
439
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:46,464
Oh...
440
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:55,409
Lava launchers suck!
441
00:17:56,866 --> 00:17:59,293
What's going on back here?
442
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,995
- Uh, don't shoot!
- With what, my flashlight?
443
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:05,466
My Velcro wallet?
I'm a security guard.
444
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:08,335
- But I am gonna call the police.
- Excuse me, sorry.
445
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:10,637
Hi. No need for that, sir,
I'm his father.
446
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:14,491
Oh, well, this pool of lava in
my parking lot is all right, then.
447
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,810
You are in a lot
of trouble, young man.
448
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,178
Now, go wait over there
while I clear things up
449
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:20,524
- with this gentleman... Now!
- Yeah.
450
00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:23,183
Don't make me take my
battle strap off, son.
451
00:18:24,253 --> 00:18:25,619
All right, buddy,
how much is it gonna take
452
00:18:25,654 --> 00:18:27,905
- for you to blame this on a meteor?
- 500.
453
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,707
- How 'bout I give you $338?
- 400, then.
454
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:32,393
Oh, no, we're not
bargaining. You think I
455
00:18:32,394 --> 00:18:33,719
would have offered you such a specific
456
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,045
amount if it wasn't all the money I had
457
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,698
- on me right now? Come on.
- All right, then,
458
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:40,284
throw in that
and we'll call it even.
459
00:18:40,319 --> 00:18:43,253
Well, since you wear a uniform,
I guess I can trust you.
460
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,288
Take a picture.
461
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:48,509
For my OkCupid account.
Come and gat it, ladies.
462
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,444
There you go, that's good.
463
00:18:50,479 --> 00:18:52,679
Okay, lift the gun a little bit higher.
Now look a little sexier.
464
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,815
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's good!
465
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,187
- Dad, I...
- Shut up!
466
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,189
Thank God you're safe!
467
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:03,223
I didn't know where you were.
468
00:19:03,259 --> 00:19:06,193
And I had this feeling I've
never experienced before,
469
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,312
where my heart was racing
and my palms were sweating.
470
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:11,615
I looked it up online and it said
it was either fear or ovarian cysts.
471
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,400
I just love you so much.
472
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,235
You know, you're my
little Alangatang.
473
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:17,020
Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, Dad.
474
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:19,306
You know, I just wanted those
people to like me more, so...
475
00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:22,209
That goes away when
you get older, right?
476
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:25,412
Yeah, yeah, like
ovarian cysts, I hope.
477
00:19:25,447 --> 00:19:28,849
- I guess now I have to punish you, huh?
- Yeah, probably.
478
00:19:28,884 --> 00:19:31,268
Well, in Zephyria,
we'd murder your whole family,
479
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:33,704
but, obviously, that wouldn't
work out for your old man here.
480
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:35,706
- Um...
- You could send me to my room.
481
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:38,342
Yeah, yeah. No, that seems
more appropriate, doesn't it?
482
00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:39,743
You know, without the Ferrari poster
483
00:19:39,778 --> 00:19:41,345
it's basically just a prison cell.
484
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:43,614
Oh, no.
485
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:45,532
- Really, Zorn?
- What?
486
00:19:45,568 --> 00:19:46,934
I don't know
what I'm angrier about,
487
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:49,687
the fact that you're
out past curfew,
488
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,188
or that Alan isn't
wearing a jacket.
489
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:55,025
- It is kinda chilly, Zorn.
- What do you have to say for yourself?
490
00:19:55,077 --> 00:19:57,344
- You want the truth, huh?
- Uh-huh.
491
00:19:57,380 --> 00:19:59,647
Okay, well, the truth is, I just...
492
00:19:59,682 --> 00:20:01,849
I-I had to do my
planetary sciences paper,
493
00:20:01,884 --> 00:20:05,319
and Dad said it was
a good night to see the sky,
494
00:20:05,354 --> 00:20:06,787
'cause Jupiter and Venus and...
495
00:20:06,822 --> 00:20:09,123
Mr. Egert, he said
we'd get extra credit
496
00:20:09,158 --> 00:20:11,125
- if we chart those, so...
- Yep, yep, yep.
497
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:12,710
No, I told him about
the, uh, the planets.
498
00:20:12,762 --> 00:20:14,211
They were going nuts tonight, yeah.
499
00:20:14,263 --> 00:20:17,214
Well, I guess that
sort of makes sense.
500
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,100
- So how'd you find us?
- She used "Find My Phone."
501
00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:22,319
You hacked my account?
502
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,204
Family, please, regardless
of whether or not
503
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,690
someone completely betrayed
their son's trust tonight,
504
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:30,077
the important thing is I'm a
better parent than you, Edie.
505
00:20:30,112 --> 00:20:32,913
Well, I guess
I overreacted tonight.
506
00:20:32,949 --> 00:20:38,786
Alan, you are responsible.
And, Zorn, you...
507
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:41,455
are... I guess what
I'm trying to say is...
508
00:20:43,426 --> 00:20:45,993
Ahem! My throat!
509
00:20:48,064 --> 00:20:50,347
Something's in my...
is in my throat.
510
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,158
- I'm sorry.
- Apology accepted.
511
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,480
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
512
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,438
♪ Tra la la la, bombardier ♪
513
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,240
♪ This is the pilot speaking ♪
514
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,442
♪ And I've got some news for you ♪
515
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:20,511
♪ For yo... yo... yo... ♪
516
00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:24,949
Aw, man!
Damn it! Come on!