1
00:00:00,445 --> 00:00:02,882
Who is ready to strip?
2
00:00:03,586 --> 00:00:06,653
You see you mean strip
wallpaper at your new house,
3
00:00:06,689 --> 00:00:09,099
but me, myself, I always err
on the side of sexy. [moans]
4
00:00:09,124 --> 00:00:11,058
- [wolf whistles]
- Okay.
5
00:00:11,127 --> 00:00:12,422
You were up there a long time, man.
6
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,429
Yeah, I was running out
of imaginary dollar bills.
7
00:00:14,462 --> 00:00:17,072
Right, so we are off
to buy drinking water.
8
00:00:17,099 --> 00:00:20,234
Yes, the water at Jaipur Aviv
tastes like it's been fracked.
9
00:00:20,302 --> 00:00:22,587
- See you guys there.
- Jaipur Aviv?
10
00:00:22,612 --> 00:00:24,730
Yeah, Schmidt named
their house Jaipur Aviv
11
00:00:24,801 --> 00:00:27,967
to celebrate the union of India and
Israel that their marriage represents.
12
00:00:28,037 --> 00:00:31,338
So this is the future, the three of us.
13
00:00:31,374 --> 00:00:32,641
- Do we need a name?
- The winners.
14
00:00:32,665 --> 00:00:34,593
- Winston and the Cuties.
- Eh, I don't think we need a name.
15
00:00:34,617 --> 00:00:36,663
But we do need a fourth
roommate, because I think...
16
00:00:36,688 --> 00:00:40,165
Oh, my God! This loft is enormous.
17
00:00:40,190 --> 00:00:42,394
Thank you, Winston. I was going
there, but it was gonna be a long walk.
18
00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:45,252
This place is way
too big for three people.
19
00:00:45,321 --> 00:00:47,499
What about your dream of having
an in-loft multipurpose room?
20
00:00:47,523 --> 00:00:49,326
Multipurpose rooms can't pay rent.
21
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,870
- That's the only purpose they don't serve.
- So let's get a roommate.
22
00:00:51,894 --> 00:00:53,739
Well, Cece and Schmidt'll
be here another six months,
23
00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,701
so we have time to find someone we like.
24
00:00:55,726 --> 00:00:57,765
Someone... who's a girl.
25
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:00,413
- A girl, hmm.
- Winston, thoughts?
26
00:01:00,476 --> 00:01:01,836
Hmm? I'm in.
27
00:01:01,904 --> 00:01:05,039
I'm sorry. I was just distracted
by how big this loft is.
28
00:01:05,074 --> 00:01:07,553
- First time you ever thought about it?
- I'm gonna go look for echoes.
29
00:01:07,577 --> 00:01:09,143
♪ ♪
30
00:01:09,613 --> 00:01:10,931
WINSTON: Hello.
31
00:01:10,956 --> 00:01:12,620
- Hello.
- WINSTON: Oh, my God!
32
00:01:12,902 --> 00:01:15,074
- You guys hearing this?
- You guys hearing this?
33
00:01:15,099 --> 00:01:17,118
- Ha! Oh, my God!
- Stop. He'll go all day.
34
00:01:17,186 --> 00:01:18,428
♪ ♪
35
00:01:18,491 --> 00:01:20,842
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
36
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:23,757
Hello, wall.
37
00:01:23,826 --> 00:01:25,793
Prepare to be naked.
38
00:01:28,264 --> 00:01:30,731
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
39
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:31,944
What do you think about Reagan?
40
00:01:31,968 --> 00:01:34,068
Well, she's great. A-plus posture.
41
00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,903
I mean she's moving to L.A. next month.
42
00:01:35,972 --> 00:01:38,253
What do you think about
Reagan as our roommate?
43
00:01:38,886 --> 00:01:41,010
'Cause she would live in my
room, but she'd still pay rent.
44
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,614
And then you could have
that multipurpose room
45
00:01:42,638 --> 00:01:44,349
where you could shower and cook.
46
00:01:44,488 --> 00:01:48,347
Well, I'd still use the bathroom and
the kitchen for showering and cooking,
47
00:01:48,372 --> 00:01:50,849
but I would use the multipurpose
room for everything else,
48
00:01:50,874 --> 00:01:52,678
- [chuckles]
- and I'd be living across the hall
49
00:01:52,702 --> 00:01:55,156
from my ex and his new girlfriend.
50
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,819
Not sure why I said those
two in the same tone.
51
00:01:57,859 --> 00:01:59,054
You know what, forget it actually.
52
00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:00,452
- I-I... That's on me.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
53
00:02:00,476 --> 00:02:01,821
I didn't think of the
ex-girlfriend thing.
54
00:02:01,845 --> 00:02:03,945
- Forget it.
- She's a girl who we like,
55
00:02:03,970 --> 00:02:05,551
- and she's lived there before.
- I know.
56
00:02:05,575 --> 00:02:06,797
And then that gets us out of the whole
57
00:02:06,821 --> 00:02:08,485
"Here's what you need to know
about Winston" conversation.
58
00:02:08,509 --> 00:02:10,345
- That's always a long weekend.
- I know.
59
00:02:10,414 --> 00:02:12,814
She would overlap with Schmidt and Cece.
60
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,550
And six people is a violation
of the loft agreement.
61
00:02:15,619 --> 00:02:18,720
But loft agreements are
reached to be amended.
62
00:02:18,789 --> 00:02:21,089
- So you're really okay with this?
- Yes.
63
00:02:21,158 --> 00:02:23,512
I mean, that's how a
normal person would say yes.
64
00:02:23,537 --> 00:02:25,760
I need the trademark Jessica Day yes.
65
00:02:25,796 --> 00:02:27,582
- Yes!
- Okay, that's a little bit too much.
66
00:02:27,607 --> 00:02:29,052
I think it's got to be
somewhere in the middle.
67
00:02:29,076 --> 00:02:30,083
Ye-yes.
68
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,184
Great. [chuckles]
69
00:02:32,209 --> 00:02:33,778
Yeah.
70
00:02:34,638 --> 00:02:38,349
You know, there is something
so familiar about this room.
71
00:02:38,374 --> 00:02:41,075
I don't know. It's like
I've been here before.
72
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,097
[sighing]: Wow...
73
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:48,340
CECE: Babe, I know you were planning
on doing all of the heavy lifting
74
00:02:48,365 --> 00:02:50,467
- when it comes to decorating...
- Interior design.
75
00:02:50,492 --> 00:02:52,803
Cece, this is a home. It's
not a Christmas cookie.
76
00:02:52,835 --> 00:02:54,014
So you've said.
77
00:02:54,039 --> 00:02:57,295
But this is our first joint
venture, and I really want to help.
78
00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,295
The only thing better than
realizing my interior design vision
79
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,103
will be realizing our
interior design vision.
80
00:03:03,128 --> 00:03:06,103
Great. Okay, so this
is what I'm seeing...
81
00:03:06,150 --> 00:03:10,185
A boar's head over the fireplace
with a decorative pedestal backing.
82
00:03:10,254 --> 00:03:11,713
Or...
83
00:03:11,745 --> 00:03:15,423
- How did I know that?
- this color for our bathroom.
84
00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:17,385
- What do you think?
- I love it.
85
00:03:17,410 --> 00:03:20,695
You do? Because I know that
our tastes haven't always jived.
86
00:03:21,248 --> 00:03:23,115
[doorbell playing "La Cucaracha"]
87
00:03:23,867 --> 00:03:28,003
You think that we're greeting
people in our home to "La Cucaracha"!
88
00:03:28,071 --> 00:03:31,069
This is the paint swatch choice
of a serious interior designer.
89
00:03:31,094 --> 00:03:33,265
You should save that for
when we renew our vows.
90
00:03:33,615 --> 00:03:34,948
I love you.
91
00:03:36,246 --> 00:03:38,246
Bathroom's going to look great.
92
00:03:38,998 --> 00:03:41,883
- Huh, that's a pretty color.
- Ooh-ee, yes, it is.
93
00:03:41,919 --> 00:03:43,919
For a third world doctor's office.
94
00:03:43,987 --> 00:03:45,687
I love this. What is this, yellow?
95
00:03:45,756 --> 00:03:49,224
Six words you never get to hear:
Nick is calling a loft meeting.
96
00:03:49,249 --> 00:03:52,727
I call to order this
off-site loft meeting.
97
00:03:52,796 --> 00:03:54,293
Nick, you have the floor.
98
00:03:54,410 --> 00:03:57,533
I propose Reagan move into the loft.
99
00:03:57,697 --> 00:04:00,835
She is a... likable
girl who is not Coach.
100
00:04:02,947 --> 00:04:04,112
Thank you very much for your time.
101
00:04:04,136 --> 00:04:08,033
As cosponsor of this bill, it has
my full and unconditional support.
102
00:04:08,812 --> 00:04:11,012
Full and unconditional support.
103
00:04:11,463 --> 00:04:13,149
Today, we will vote to amend the...
104
00:04:13,174 --> 00:04:16,479
No More Than Five Damn People May
Live in This Loft at Any One Time Act.
105
00:04:16,504 --> 00:04:17,517
Formerly the...
106
00:04:17,542 --> 00:04:20,889
No More Than Four Damn People May
Live in This Loft at Any One Time Act.
107
00:04:20,958 --> 00:04:23,415
We will be voting as is
our custom by secret ballot.
108
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,327
The vote must be unanimous.
109
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,330
- What'd you write?
- Shh.
110
00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:32,192
Okay.
111
00:04:32,703 --> 00:04:35,370
- Three yays, two nays?
- What?
112
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:36,538
What the hell?!
113
00:04:36,607 --> 00:04:38,240
Even after my speech?
114
00:04:41,612 --> 00:04:44,179
[loud buzzing]
115
00:04:44,248 --> 00:04:47,148
I really thought this
was gonna cheer me up.
116
00:04:47,202 --> 00:04:48,327
JESS: Nick.
117
00:04:48,852 --> 00:04:50,919
- I swear I voted yay.
- [turns off sander] I know.
118
00:04:50,988 --> 00:04:53,955
And it means a lot to me, because
I really want her to move in.
119
00:04:53,991 --> 00:04:56,224
But I don't have the
votes. What can you do?
120
00:04:56,260 --> 00:04:58,426
You're only short two votes.
121
00:04:58,495 --> 00:05:00,308
- I can get you two votes.
- You can do that?
122
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:02,897
- Can a shark ruin a family vacation?
- No.
123
00:05:02,933 --> 00:05:04,666
I mean if it bites someone.
124
00:05:06,049 --> 00:05:07,440
- Maybe, then yeah.
- Maybe?
125
00:05:07,465 --> 00:05:08,754
It depends on the vacation, but yeah.
126
00:05:08,778 --> 00:05:10,135
Can a puppy make a baby smile?
127
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,618
I mean, there's a lot of factors.
128
00:05:11,642 --> 00:05:13,241
- Just...
- Depends on...
129
00:05:13,692 --> 00:05:15,946
Thanks for helping is
what I meant to say.
130
00:05:18,223 --> 00:05:21,325
So the two votes against Reagan
moving in must be Schmidt and Winston.
131
00:05:21,931 --> 00:05:23,628
Thank God you had these magnets.
132
00:05:23,916 --> 00:05:26,238
Yeah, well they're a backup
housewarming gift for Schmidt and Cece
133
00:05:26,262 --> 00:05:28,719
in case my quilt guy screws me again.
134
00:05:28,788 --> 00:05:31,689
Thank God you found
this mysteriously sticky wall.
135
00:05:31,724 --> 00:05:33,924
Let's go get Schmidt and
Winston and change their votes.
136
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,929
- I can't believe those two.
- You stay here and wait.
137
00:05:35,953 --> 00:05:37,972
I can't. I'm going too
crazy. I'm coming with you.
138
00:05:37,997 --> 00:05:41,232
Nick, you're way too invested. Plus,
it's tacky to whip your own votes.
139
00:05:41,267 --> 00:05:43,567
We both know that never
works with these guys.
140
00:05:44,041 --> 00:05:46,937
Schmidt, Winston...
prepare to be buttonholed.
141
00:05:47,006 --> 00:05:48,539
Did you just say "buttonholed"?
142
00:05:48,574 --> 00:05:51,609
I mean whatever you got to
do, Jess, but gross.
143
00:05:51,677 --> 00:05:54,445
[sighs] It's only one room, one flaw.
144
00:05:54,514 --> 00:05:58,315
Every beautiful thing has one flaw.
Marilyn Monroe has her beauty mark.
145
00:05:58,758 --> 00:06:01,452
- "Thriller" has its Vincent Price poem.
- CECE: Babe.
146
00:06:01,953 --> 00:06:02,963
[exhales]
147
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,235
Do you like this ceiling fan?
148
00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:06,752
Wicker... wicker blades!
149
00:06:06,777 --> 00:06:08,659
They are made from reclaimed hampers.
150
00:06:08,728 --> 00:06:10,675
It's like a dirty laundry
propeller above our bed.
151
00:06:10,699 --> 00:06:12,307
- [laughing]: Yes.
- Okay!
152
00:06:12,542 --> 00:06:15,009
[sighs] I love that
we're on the same page.
153
00:06:15,034 --> 00:06:16,400
That's right.
154
00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:19,837
Two flaws. Okay. Two flaws.
155
00:06:19,906 --> 00:06:23,142
No beautiful thing has two flaws,
only ugly things. It's spreading.
156
00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:24,246
[gasps]
157
00:06:24,277 --> 00:06:26,119
Thank you, Winston.
Now I feel validated.
158
00:06:26,144 --> 00:06:29,394
No, no, no, no. I just figured
out why I know this house.
159
00:06:29,419 --> 00:06:31,341
You see, it's in my favorite...
160
00:06:34,482 --> 00:06:36,044
school district.
161
00:06:36,069 --> 00:06:37,810
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
162
00:06:39,217 --> 00:06:40,624
Hey, Nick.
163
00:06:40,693 --> 00:06:42,638
- Sorry about the vote.
- I don't want to talk about it.
164
00:06:42,662 --> 00:06:44,106
Cool. I need your help with a situation.
165
00:06:44,130 --> 00:06:47,613
There is no situation you could
possibly describe compelling enough
166
00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:50,136
- to get me to want to help you.
- Schmidt and Cece's house
167
00:06:50,161 --> 00:06:54,171
was the location for the 1971
pornographic film, Daddy's Longleg.
168
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,366
Okay, maybe there's one
situation. I'm 100% in.
169
00:06:58,177 --> 00:06:59,810
- That piece is exquisite.
- NICK: Oh!
170
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,052
- May I see it from another angle?
- [chuckling]
171
00:07:02,077 --> 00:07:03,732
WOMAN: He was my best friend...
172
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,631
- until he became my enemy.
- WINSTON: The boar goes up,
173
00:07:05,655 --> 00:07:08,405
and the robe comes... down. That's porn.
174
00:07:08,430 --> 00:07:10,966
- You got this on a heavy rotation.
- Super heavy rotation.
175
00:07:10,990 --> 00:07:12,984
Please don't dance while we're
watching porn videos together.
176
00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:16,194
Oh, sorry about that. But I mean this
is Schmidt and Cece's fireplace, right?
177
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:17,728
It looks like it, doesn't it?
178
00:07:18,099 --> 00:07:19,504
But if it is...
179
00:07:19,535 --> 00:07:21,427
- he can never know.
- [quietly]: Oh, come on... Nick.
180
00:07:21,451 --> 00:07:23,051
You know that. He can never know.
181
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,201
Yes, but we're already
keeping five secrets from him.
182
00:07:25,226 --> 00:07:27,405
- The secret vault is full.
- That's not true. We only have four.
183
00:07:27,429 --> 00:07:29,109
- We have a slot open.
- You always forget.
184
00:07:29,141 --> 00:07:31,410
- Lost umbrella.
- I forgot about lost umbrella.
185
00:07:31,435 --> 00:07:33,544
- Mm.
- I always forget about lost umbrella.
186
00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:34,723
[chuckling]: That's why it was lost.
187
00:07:34,747 --> 00:07:37,014
So we're at maximum
capacity. So what do we do?
188
00:07:37,044 --> 00:07:39,344
Okay, so pornographic house
has to go into the vault.
189
00:07:39,369 --> 00:07:41,819
- Agreed.
- So what do we declassify?
190
00:07:41,887 --> 00:07:44,655
- Jalapeño 19?
- Jalapeño 19? No way.
191
00:07:44,724 --> 00:07:46,600
Uh... Duck, Duck, Gavin?
192
00:07:46,625 --> 00:07:47,913
Oh, Duck, Duck, Gavin
has to stay a secret.
193
00:07:47,937 --> 00:07:49,705
I would love to keep
Upper Deck Timeshare
194
00:07:49,729 --> 00:07:51,962
between us and the guy we paid off.
195
00:07:52,031 --> 00:07:54,537
There are no good options.
Are you sure this is the house?
196
00:07:54,562 --> 00:07:56,423
I think so, but maybe not.
197
00:07:56,448 --> 00:07:58,815
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
I'm going to watch with fresh eyes
198
00:07:58,839 --> 00:08:00,476
and I'm gonna see what my gut tells me,
199
00:08:00,507 --> 00:08:01,543
- okay?
- Yeah.
200
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:03,263
You go around the
house, you take photos...
201
00:08:03,288 --> 00:08:04,871
- for comparison.
- Mm-hmm. Yes.
202
00:08:04,896 --> 00:08:06,779
We'll look at all the pics,
we'll come back here later,
203
00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:08,724
- Mm-hmm.
- We'll make a, you know, a final call.
204
00:08:08,771 --> 00:08:09,847
- Boom.
- [chuckles]
205
00:08:09,882 --> 00:08:11,538
- I need the phone for pictures.
- I need it to watch the porn.
206
00:08:11,562 --> 00:08:13,078
- Use your phone.
- It already started buffering.
207
00:08:13,102 --> 00:08:14,381
- It's two minutes in.
- [quietly]: It's buffering.
208
00:08:14,405 --> 00:08:16,232
Take mine... and take
pictures with that.
209
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,655
Makes sense. It's very smart,
210
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,695
and that is why we are
The Keepers of the Five Secrets.
211
00:08:20,764 --> 00:08:21,892
Keepers of the Five Secrets.
212
00:08:21,927 --> 00:08:23,927
[Chinese flute music playing]
213
00:08:27,867 --> 00:08:29,700
- Shh.
- [whispers]: Don't say a word.
214
00:08:29,735 --> 00:08:31,568
[groans]
215
00:08:32,671 --> 00:08:33,992
[sighs]
216
00:08:34,017 --> 00:08:35,068
Gah!
217
00:08:35,093 --> 00:08:37,882
Secret ballots are never really
secret. You know that, right?
218
00:08:37,907 --> 00:08:39,410
Okay fine. You got me.
219
00:08:39,538 --> 00:08:40,711
I voted nay.
220
00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:42,746
It would just be six
people for too long.
221
00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:45,749
We would continue to be a married
couple living with three roommates.
222
00:08:45,912 --> 00:08:50,849
You want to make it four,
increasing our humiliation by 33%.
223
00:08:50,981 --> 00:08:54,237
Mr. Miller has no interest
in seeing you humiliated.
224
00:08:54,262 --> 00:08:58,168
And as such, I've been empowered
to offer you the following.
225
00:08:58,653 --> 00:08:59,730
I'm listening.
226
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,422
As a symbolic gesture,
227
00:09:01,447 --> 00:09:05,061
Reagan cannot list the loft
as her official residence.
228
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,037
- Where will her mail go?
- A P.O. Box.
229
00:09:07,106 --> 00:09:08,546
Oh, yeah. All right, keep going.
230
00:09:08,571 --> 00:09:11,642
When asked where you live, you
and Reagan will say the following.
231
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:14,850
"Geez, beats us. We're just dumb
kids living paycheck to paycheck.
232
00:09:14,875 --> 00:09:18,048
"Thank gosh for our upwardly
mobile friends Schmidt and Cece,
233
00:09:18,084 --> 00:09:19,962
"and the three guest
rooms in their loft.
234
00:09:19,987 --> 00:09:22,330
"We're crashing with them
until we get our lives together
235
00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:24,212
"and we remain there at their pleasure."
236
00:09:24,237 --> 00:09:25,401
Do I have to memorize all that?
237
00:09:25,425 --> 00:09:27,324
No, you can just read
it from the toilet paper.
238
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,391
- [sighs]
- And finally...
239
00:09:31,459 --> 00:09:34,264
you will allow Schmidt to
buy you one pair of jeans.
240
00:09:34,333 --> 00:09:35,766
Oh, he's serious.
241
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:37,868
♪ ♪
242
00:09:42,074 --> 00:09:43,607
Hey, Jess.
243
00:09:44,302 --> 00:09:46,042
Did Schmidt tell you
I was gonna be in here?
244
00:09:46,067 --> 00:09:48,466
- No.
- Then how come you didn't get scared?
245
00:09:48,491 --> 00:09:50,675
Before I enter any bathroom,
246
00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:54,918
I take a moment to myself and say,
"No matter what happens in there,
247
00:09:55,273 --> 00:09:57,515
"don't get scared."
248
00:09:57,898 --> 00:10:01,155
And it works, you know, except for
that one time when I was at the Cubs...
249
00:10:02,858 --> 00:10:05,195
Okay Jess, don't move.
250
00:10:05,264 --> 00:10:06,458
- What's happening?
- Don't worry about it.
251
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:07,613
Hey, do me a favor.
252
00:10:07,785 --> 00:10:09,600
Put an arch in your back, just...
253
00:10:10,386 --> 00:10:11,416
- [clicks]
- Got it. Okay.
254
00:10:11,441 --> 00:10:12,803
Let's take one together.
255
00:10:12,828 --> 00:10:14,490
- Oh, like a prom picture.
- Yeah, kind of.
256
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,180
[strains]: Here we...
257
00:10:16,208 --> 00:10:18,008
- [clicking]
- Got it.
258
00:10:18,394 --> 00:10:21,136
I actually might need to retake
that. I think my eyes were closed.
259
00:10:21,161 --> 00:10:25,152
But first, let me see if any of
this pork makes your tummy rumble.
260
00:10:25,177 --> 00:10:26,808
Winston would like you and Reagan
261
00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:30,227
to spend a mutually agreed upon amount
of time as a couple with Ferguson.
262
00:10:30,289 --> 00:10:31,555
We're talking about the cat?
263
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:34,549
The only couples that
Ferguson knows are interracial.
264
00:10:34,574 --> 00:10:36,542
And while Winston
views this as progress,
265
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:39,785
he knows that it's not an
accurate portrayal of... the world.
266
00:10:39,810 --> 00:10:41,536
You even think that cat
knows Winston exists?
267
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:43,734
Definitely not. Next,
Winston would like to be
268
00:10:43,803 --> 00:10:46,619
the first person to see
you in your new jeans.
269
00:10:46,652 --> 00:10:48,190
And he will see you
under these circumstances,
270
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,840
and these circumstances only:
271
00:10:49,909 --> 00:10:52,476
descending a grand spiral staircase,
272
00:10:52,545 --> 00:10:54,545
as Winston waits at the bottom,
273
00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:57,014
weeping with pride,
holding your new belt.
274
00:10:57,082 --> 00:10:59,316
He wants me to go
upstairs without a belt.
275
00:10:59,385 --> 00:11:01,312
Some... We rent a really nice mansion.
276
00:11:01,337 --> 00:11:02,984
Hey, you could do it, like, a museum...
277
00:11:03,009 --> 00:11:05,690
I'm not going to a public
place and doing this with him.
278
00:11:05,724 --> 00:11:07,257
Do you want the yays or not?
279
00:11:07,818 --> 00:11:09,384
I need the yays.
280
00:11:10,062 --> 00:11:12,095
The motion on the floor is the same,
281
00:11:12,164 --> 00:11:14,565
with some riders, most notably...
282
00:11:14,766 --> 00:11:17,000
the Furguson Bishop,
White Immersion Program.
283
00:11:20,832 --> 00:11:24,107
Um, four yays, one nay?
284
00:11:24,176 --> 00:11:26,097
- Who's this nay?
- I asked you what you wanted.
285
00:11:26,122 --> 00:11:27,911
And I voted yay.
286
00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:29,146
That was about the vote?
287
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,388
I thought y'all just wanted
to get to know me better.
288
00:11:31,450 --> 00:11:32,655
I was already a yay.
289
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,052
Well, that's everybody. Who's left?
290
00:11:36,616 --> 00:11:39,576
Parikh, prepare to be buttonholed.
291
00:11:42,476 --> 00:11:44,209
I'm sorry I took your yay for granted.
292
00:11:44,234 --> 00:11:45,722
Let me wet your beak a little bit...
293
00:11:45,753 --> 00:11:47,662
you want sink time,
you want fridge space,
294
00:11:47,687 --> 00:11:50,803
you want Schmidt and Winston to let
you in on this whole jeans thing?
295
00:11:51,046 --> 00:11:52,825
No, I don't want anything, okay.
296
00:11:52,850 --> 00:11:55,207
I voted nay because I'm
trying to protect you.
297
00:11:55,276 --> 00:11:58,050
- From who?
- From you, you lunatic.
298
00:11:58,076 --> 00:12:00,558
You were being a good friend to
Nick by letting Reagan move in,
299
00:12:00,583 --> 00:12:03,449
but I wouldn't be a good friend
to you if I just let that happen.
300
00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:06,898
If Nick wants Reagan to move in,
then I want Reagan to move in.
301
00:12:06,923 --> 00:12:09,565
I mean, I don't want her
to move in, but I... I support it.
302
00:12:09,590 --> 00:12:12,336
You can support something without
being the poster child for it, okay,
303
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,633
so just maybe take a step back.
304
00:12:14,658 --> 00:12:17,970
I can't do that because my love for Nick
exists, so it has to come out somewhere.
305
00:12:17,994 --> 00:12:19,794
If you put water in Bugs Bunny's hole,
306
00:12:19,863 --> 00:12:22,330
it's gonna shoot out some other hole
307
00:12:22,365 --> 00:12:24,432
where Elmer Fudd least expects it.
308
00:12:24,502 --> 00:12:26,735
Is this other hole friendship?
309
00:12:26,803 --> 00:12:31,106
Exactly. So I can't express my feelings
for Nick through my romance hole,
310
00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:34,509
so I need to express them
through my friendship hole.
311
00:12:34,578 --> 00:12:37,612
And I really regret
hitching my wagon to "hole."
312
00:12:37,647 --> 00:12:40,071
But you... you get it, okay?
313
00:12:40,352 --> 00:12:43,295
I want you to know I'm
gonna be fine, okay?
314
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,254
- You promise?
- I promise.
315
00:12:46,323 --> 00:12:49,224
Okay, all right, I'll vote yay.
316
00:12:49,455 --> 00:12:54,129
If Nick and Reagan aren't
physical outside of their room.
317
00:12:54,432 --> 00:12:57,044
I'm sorry, but I have to protect you
a little, okay, so just deal with it.
318
00:12:57,067 --> 00:13:00,001
That's a really great rider, Cece.
319
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:04,177
You see, I think this is the tub where
Daddy bathes the Soviet dissident.
320
00:13:04,202 --> 00:13:08,109
And this has to be the window seat
where he spanks the Aztec twins.
321
00:13:08,525 --> 00:13:12,380
Hey, side note, thank you for
voting yay on the Reagan vote.
322
00:13:12,449 --> 00:13:14,660
I really want her to move in.
I think I'm ready for this.
323
00:13:14,684 --> 00:13:17,452
She will, and you are
very much so ready.
324
00:13:18,755 --> 00:13:20,455
Yeah. Yeah.
325
00:13:21,024 --> 00:13:24,826
So many close-ups. It's so frustrating.
I mean, for our purposes of today.
326
00:13:24,895 --> 00:13:26,772
You know, mostly when they
cut to wide I'm thinking
327
00:13:26,796 --> 00:13:28,074
why the hell are you
showing me the room?
328
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:30,610
But now I want to see the room.
I don't want to see the close-ups.
329
00:13:30,634 --> 00:13:32,333
Well, there's only one thing left.
330
00:13:32,402 --> 00:13:33,368
[phone chimes]
331
00:13:33,403 --> 00:13:35,570
Search the locations manager
332
00:13:35,639 --> 00:13:39,307
for the 1971 adult film Daddy's Longleg.
333
00:13:39,477 --> 00:13:40,477
Very smart.
334
00:13:40,614 --> 00:13:42,094
[chimes] SEARCH VOICE: Searching now.
335
00:13:42,479 --> 00:13:44,412
[Chinese flute music playing]
336
00:13:45,453 --> 00:13:46,951
- Secrets.
- Secrets.
337
00:13:46,976 --> 00:13:50,023
Cece, this is the hardest thing
that I've ever had to say to you.
338
00:13:50,312 --> 00:13:55,031
I had always assumed that when you
got serious about interior design,
339
00:13:55,163 --> 00:13:57,225
I was going to love your ideas.
340
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:59,351
Because I love you.
341
00:13:59,609 --> 00:14:03,490
I hate your ideas. I hate them almost
as much as I love you, which is so much.
342
00:14:03,515 --> 00:14:04,688
I have to stop you right there.
343
00:14:04,712 --> 00:14:07,268
I appreciate the fact that
you are a very dramatic man,
344
00:14:07,337 --> 00:14:10,179
but the next time you
start a conversation with,
345
00:14:10,445 --> 00:14:14,013
"This is the hardest thing that I
have ever had to say to you,"
346
00:14:14,038 --> 00:14:18,294
it better end with, "I'm gay
now," "I found a lump in my nut,"
347
00:14:18,319 --> 00:14:21,416
or, "He came out of nowhere, help
me get the blood off of my car."
348
00:14:21,441 --> 00:14:23,685
I can't live in a house
that you don't love.
349
00:14:23,753 --> 00:14:26,497
And I also can't live in
a house of horrors!
350
00:14:26,522 --> 00:14:29,390
Thank you for taking my
note about being dramatic.
351
00:14:29,459 --> 00:14:32,731
Next time you don't like
one of my suggestions,
352
00:14:32,756 --> 00:14:34,574
- just tell me.
- I don't like your suggestions.
353
00:14:34,598 --> 00:14:37,732
Okay, well, then you suggest
something, and then I suggest something,
354
00:14:37,801 --> 00:14:40,387
and eventually we reach a compromise.
355
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,570
So let's try it. Let's
try it with the cabinets.
356
00:14:43,898 --> 00:14:47,008
I suggest a lighter wood, like birch.
357
00:14:47,077 --> 00:14:48,383
Absolutely not.
358
00:14:50,447 --> 00:14:52,113
- I mean... [clears throat]
- Mm-hmm.
359
00:14:52,269 --> 00:14:55,250
I suggest a darker wood, like walnut.
360
00:14:55,318 --> 00:14:59,973
So now we try to find something
in the middle, like, how about oak?
361
00:15:00,016 --> 00:15:02,637
That's fine, that's fine,
I'm willing to go darker.
362
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:04,502
Cherry? Mahogany?
363
00:15:04,989 --> 00:15:06,573
- Walnut?
- I love that suggestion!
364
00:15:06,598 --> 00:15:08,563
It was your suggestion.
It's not a compromise.
365
00:15:08,632 --> 00:15:10,031
- Okay, fine, birch.
- No!
366
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,233
That was my suggestion.
That's still not a compromise.
367
00:15:12,285 --> 00:15:13,551
Now you're confusing me!
368
00:15:13,637 --> 00:15:15,998
JESS [shouting]: Emergency
off-site loft meeting!
369
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:20,408
JESS: Nick. Nick, it's time for
the final vote. Where are you?
370
00:15:21,911 --> 00:15:25,113
The motion now includes the
Cece Parikh Hallway Decency Act.
371
00:15:28,739 --> 00:15:31,390
Ugh! There's still one nay in here!
372
00:15:31,415 --> 00:15:33,299
- Okay, I voted yay, I swear.
- Then who was it?
373
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:34,800
WOMAN [on phone]:
Roughstuff Productions.
374
00:15:34,824 --> 00:15:37,147
You have a real guilty look on
your face... a real nay face.
375
00:15:37,171 --> 00:15:38,738
This is not my nay face. This is...
376
00:15:38,762 --> 00:15:40,962
this is how does a man
compromise his vision face.
377
00:15:41,031 --> 00:15:42,771
MAN [on phone]: Roughstuff
Productions, this is Clem.
378
00:15:42,795 --> 00:15:45,767
Uh, yeah, Clem, um. I'm
calling about the whereabou...
379
00:15:45,842 --> 00:15:47,142
- [grunting]
- Winston!
380
00:15:47,202 --> 00:15:49,355
- CLEM: Sir, are you auditioning?
- Admit it!
381
00:15:49,388 --> 00:15:52,037
- Why?
- Oh... Aah...
382
00:15:52,062 --> 00:15:54,357
- Why?
- It doesn't matter who voted nay.
383
00:15:54,404 --> 00:15:56,693
The message is clear, somebody
doesn't want Reagan in the loft.
384
00:15:56,717 --> 00:15:58,257
So who cares who did it? Let's move on.
385
00:15:58,281 --> 00:16:00,348
Who is that person? I hate that person.
386
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:03,426
Also, maybe somebody realized
moments before the vote that,
387
00:16:03,451 --> 00:16:06,493
if you think about it, my
bed... it-it tilts west.
388
00:16:06,618 --> 00:16:09,664
And so she could roll off the bed in the
middle of the night, and on the floor,
389
00:16:09,688 --> 00:16:11,851
- and my floor tilts east...
- Nick.
390
00:16:11,876 --> 00:16:15,376
Which means she could roll
under my bed and be lost forever.
391
00:16:15,401 --> 00:16:18,204
- Did you vote nay?
- Yeah, of course I did.
392
00:16:18,735 --> 00:16:20,935
I don't know what I want. I'm confused.
393
00:16:21,168 --> 00:16:24,402
Ooh-whee! Politics!
394
00:16:28,515 --> 00:16:32,564
Schmidt, you need to take these
design blinders off and look around.
395
00:16:32,822 --> 00:16:35,523
We compromise all the time.
396
00:16:35,592 --> 00:16:37,925
We named our house Jaipur Aviv.
397
00:16:37,994 --> 00:16:39,665
That's right.
398
00:16:39,690 --> 00:16:43,048
I wanted to call it Ghatak/Mossad
HQ, and you wanted to call it...
399
00:16:43,212 --> 00:16:44,853
- Our House.
- Our House, yes.
400
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,752
We met in the middle and
we called it Jaipur Aviv.
401
00:16:46,776 --> 00:16:50,130
You know what, every compromise
doesn't have to be 50-50.
402
00:16:50,406 --> 00:16:52,240
I've been looking at cabinets online.
403
00:16:52,308 --> 00:16:55,042
They all look exactly the same to me.
404
00:16:55,111 --> 00:16:56,373
- No, they don't.
- They really do.
405
00:16:56,397 --> 00:17:00,365
Birch, walnut, mahogany,
fiberglass, stainless steel.
406
00:17:00,390 --> 00:17:02,394
You can't tell the difference
between metal and wood?
407
00:17:02,418 --> 00:17:03,784
Not when it comes to a cabinet.
408
00:17:03,853 --> 00:17:06,186
I just see cabinet, and then I go,
like, "Oh, my plate's in there."
409
00:17:06,210 --> 00:17:08,701
I think this is a bigger
issue than interior design.
410
00:17:08,725 --> 00:17:10,102
I think it just applies to cabinets.
411
00:17:10,126 --> 00:17:14,462
And I accept the fact that I
am not good at interior design,
412
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:16,297
and you're brilliant at it.
413
00:17:16,366 --> 00:17:18,678
So you should take the lead on that.
414
00:17:18,703 --> 00:17:20,636
Just like I'm no good
at cooking Indian food.
415
00:17:20,661 --> 00:17:22,770
- Mm.
- You take the lead on that.
416
00:17:22,795 --> 00:17:24,438
You always let me make dessert.
417
00:17:24,754 --> 00:17:27,742
- I always burn it.
- I just want you to feel included.
418
00:17:27,810 --> 00:17:30,311
Even if it's in just
some small, symbolic way.
419
00:17:34,784 --> 00:17:38,019
[doorbell plays "La Cucaracha"]
420
00:17:38,054 --> 00:17:39,620
[melody repeats]
421
00:17:41,691 --> 00:17:44,825
[melody repeats]
422
00:17:44,894 --> 00:17:46,127
Okay.
423
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:50,016
- Hey.
- Do you know how anything works?
424
00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:52,400
I know you whipped and you buttonholed
425
00:17:52,468 --> 00:17:54,902
and you swing-setted your tail
off to get all these votes.
426
00:17:54,927 --> 00:17:57,872
- Who did I swing-set?
- Once I got the votes, I panicked.
427
00:17:57,940 --> 00:18:01,199
Because I realized that now I have
to ask her, and what if she says no?
428
00:18:01,224 --> 00:18:05,043
Or worse, what if she says yes,
moves in with me, and then regrets it?
429
00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:07,541
I wish we'd had this conversation
at the beginning of the day,
430
00:18:07,566 --> 00:18:09,673
but yeah, I mean, I get it, it's scary.
431
00:18:09,698 --> 00:18:11,697
Well, tell me I'm wrong to be scared.
432
00:18:11,970 --> 00:18:15,623
- You know, tell me I should vote yay.
- Nick, I whipped everyone's votes.
433
00:18:15,692 --> 00:18:17,583
I'm not gonna whip yours.
434
00:18:17,608 --> 00:18:20,061
But whatever you decide, I support you.
435
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:23,794
We all do.
436
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:34,742
If I vote yay, all that means
is is that I can ask her.
437
00:18:34,818 --> 00:18:36,384
Emphasis on "can."
438
00:18:36,446 --> 00:18:38,674
And that I don't have
to. Emphasis on "have."
439
00:18:38,732 --> 00:18:41,349
Wow. Well, no one loves
parsing more than I do,
440
00:18:41,417 --> 00:18:44,885
and even I find this
tedious, but... yes.
441
00:18:46,635 --> 00:18:47,756
All right, slide me over.
442
00:18:47,781 --> 00:18:50,148
- Okay.
- Okay.
443
00:18:51,794 --> 00:18:55,464
Whoa, is this wall
just sticky, or is it...
444
00:18:56,451 --> 00:18:57,909
magnetic?
445
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:02,210
We have got to get a magnetic wall.
446
00:19:02,270 --> 00:19:04,404
We will never buy another coil of wires
447
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,006
connected to a battery
again in our lives.
448
00:19:06,030 --> 00:19:08,743
It'll pay for itself in a week. [scoffs]
449
00:19:27,163 --> 00:19:30,131
[Daddy's Longleg playing over phone]
450
00:19:30,199 --> 00:19:33,667
Okay, Roughstuff Productions referred me
451
00:19:33,703 --> 00:19:37,071
to their former subsidiary
Tick Tock Erotica, LLC,
452
00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:39,473
which split from Roughstuff back in '09.
453
00:19:39,509 --> 00:19:43,477
But here's the thing. Tick
Tock is in the app space now,
454
00:19:43,546 --> 00:19:47,047
but they still use the same headhunter.
455
00:19:47,116 --> 00:19:50,017
And they still had the number
456
00:19:50,086 --> 00:19:53,954
for a Mr. Mort Capaco,
locations manager,
457
00:19:54,023 --> 00:19:55,270
Daddy's Longleg.
458
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,887
- Did he know where they shot it?
- He did not.
459
00:19:57,912 --> 00:19:59,420
All right, we've got
to give up a secret.
460
00:19:59,444 --> 00:20:00,748
The only question is
who breaks the news.
461
00:20:00,772 --> 00:20:03,164
I'll break the news if
I get to pick the secret.
462
00:20:03,730 --> 00:20:06,792
Deal. But I really recommend
that you tell him about
463
00:20:06,817 --> 00:20:08,235
- Halloween 2004.
- Halloween 2004.
464
00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:09,770
That's what I was gonna say.
465
00:20:11,407 --> 00:20:13,240
[Chinese flute music playing]
466
00:20:13,309 --> 00:20:16,547
- Secrets exchanged.
- Secrets exchanged.
467
00:20:16,572 --> 00:20:18,505
Shh.
468
00:20:18,703 --> 00:20:21,782
WOMAN [over phone]: I could never say
no to the man that saved my sled dogs.
469
00:20:21,851 --> 00:20:23,818
[porn music playing]
470
00:20:30,092 --> 00:20:32,493
Schmidt, I need to tell you something
471
00:20:32,528 --> 00:20:35,162
- unpleasant about some candy you ate.
- [door opens, closes]
472
00:20:35,198 --> 00:20:36,198
- What?
- Many years...
473
00:20:36,232 --> 00:20:37,452
It was shot in Seattle.
474
00:20:37,477 --> 00:20:39,757
Daddy's Longleg was shot in Seattle.
475
00:20:39,782 --> 00:20:40,890
What's Daddy's Longleg?
476
00:20:40,915 --> 00:20:42,408
A pornographic movie
Winston and I really like.
477
00:20:42,432 --> 00:20:44,275
- You don't have to worry about it.
- Because...
478
00:20:44,299 --> 00:20:47,266
it was... not filmed in your home.
479
00:20:47,291 --> 00:20:48,976
So congratulations!
480
00:20:49,045 --> 00:20:50,620
- Wow, we did it, honey.
- Was that in question?
481
00:20:50,644 --> 00:20:51,880
Hey, did you ask Reagan?
482
00:20:51,948 --> 00:20:54,882
I've decided to ask her,
but I haven't asked her yet.
483
00:20:54,951 --> 00:20:56,344
I don't know how to.
484
00:20:56,369 --> 00:20:59,144
All I've got right now
is, "Hey, Nickname"...
485
00:20:59,169 --> 00:21:01,904
that's what we're calling each other
until we can think of something better.
486
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,724
Uh... and after that,
I'm a little stumped.
487
00:21:03,749 --> 00:21:05,960
Well, why do you want Reagan to move in?
488
00:21:05,995 --> 00:21:07,673
Because I want to spend
a lot of time with her,
489
00:21:07,697 --> 00:21:09,877
and if she moves in, I'll be
able to spend more time with her.
490
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:12,759
Well, if she moved in, how
would that make you feel, Nick?
491
00:21:12,784 --> 00:21:14,712
- I'd feel honored.
- Honored or happy?
492
00:21:14,737 --> 00:21:16,303
Both.
493
00:21:16,339 --> 00:21:17,875
- And what's your name?
- My name is Nick.
494
00:21:17,899 --> 00:21:20,101
- Probably could've got that on my own.
- Noted.
495
00:21:22,085 --> 00:21:23,377
Wow.
496
00:21:23,446 --> 00:21:25,781
I mean, that's perfect. And
it's already on my phone.
497
00:21:26,562 --> 00:21:29,646
But there's just some things I want
to agonize over out loud with you guys.
498
00:21:29,671 --> 00:21:31,546
- And send.
- I wanted to agonize,
499
00:21:31,571 --> 00:21:34,005
- I said I needed to agonize.
- I've to tell you. That was great.
500
00:21:34,029 --> 00:21:35,679
- God bless you.
- You're welcome everyone.
501
00:21:35,703 --> 00:21:37,906
About this porn you watched together...
502
00:21:37,992 --> 00:21:41,140
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com