1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:02,932
♪
2
00:00:03,035 --> 00:00:04,835
Mom. Mom. Wake up.
3
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- [Gasps]
- I think I'm having a heart attack.
4
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You're not having a heart attack.
5
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My chest is pounding,
and I'm slick from sweat...
6
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classic coronary event symptoms.
7
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I made a bad trade
in my stock market club.
8
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[Sighs] This is why bankers die at 40.
9
00:00:16,214 --> 00:00:18,682
So you have 28 years
until your first heart attack.
10
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Go rest up for it.
11
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[Sighs]
12
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[Snoring]
13
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Mama. [Gasps]
14
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Sweetie, what's the matter?
15
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I had my dream again.
16
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I was on the Titanic,
just like in the movie,
17
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but I was in bed with the old couple.
18
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Oh.
19
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Get in here.
20
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Taylor: Mom, I'm going for a run.
21
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[Gasps]
22
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Taylor...
23
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it's 5:30 in the morning!
24
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It's 6:25.
25
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You mixed up the big hand
and the little hand again.
26
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'Cause it's dark in my room!
27
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Because it's 5:30!
28
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[Sighs]
29
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Just buy me a digital clock already!
30
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[Snoring]
31
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Katie: How did he sleep through
all this?
32
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I'm gonna kill him!
33
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But then I'd have to take care
of these animals by myself.
34
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Damn it! Greg lives!
35
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
36
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♪
37
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You don't need to Purell your belly.
38
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Oh, my little germaphobe.
39
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At this point,
she's more Purell than girl.
40
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Yo, Scooby, your stock market club
41
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is getting a little too serious.
42
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No more waking me up
in the middle of the night
43
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with fake symptoms
of a fake heart attack.
44
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Can't help it, Mom.
45
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It's this type of intensity
that's gonna make me rich...
46
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so I can afford things
like matching plates.
47
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First apartment. Red Lobster.
48
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Mom, I need you to sign this
permission slip for basketball,
49
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and here's my revised soccer schedule.
50
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You know, if you spent
as much time on schoolwork
51
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as you did on sports,
you'd be valedictorian.
52
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I can guarantee you that's not true.
53
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I feel great... a full nine hours.
54
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Who wants Kashi?
55
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[Computer chimes]
56
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Peter Felton sent you an e-mail?
57
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Huh.
58
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My old job has opened up again.
59
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Before he hires someone else,
60
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he wants to know if I'm interested.
61
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Yes!
62
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I mean, you are, aren't you? No?
63
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Only if you want to. Do you?
64
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Why don't you take the floor on this?
65
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Greg, you realize if I worked,
we would have to hire someone
66
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to clean the house and watch the kids,
67
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so there'd only be, like,
this much extra money.
68
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:16,332
No, we wouldn't have to hire
someone to clean the house.
69
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You could do it on Saturdays.
70
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I retract that... obviously.
71
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I'll think about it.
72
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He wants to know by the end of the day.
73
00:02:24,176 --> 00:02:25,976
Can you drive Taylor to soccer
this afternoon?
74
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Oh, I'd love to, but I have to
go to campus to give a lecture.
75
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[Sighs]
76
00:02:29,347 --> 00:02:31,514
Taylor! Oliver! In the car!
77
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Anna-Kat?
78
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Anna-Kat, it will sting
if you put it there.
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♪
80
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Mama, Oliver hit me in the nuts.
81
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Sweetie, girls don't have nuts.
82
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I'm pretty sure they do.
83
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I didn't hit her.
I gave her her water bottle.
84
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Yeah, and you slammed it hard
right in my nuts.
85
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Okay, I'm too tired for this.
Everybody out.
86
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Mom, you're supposed to wait until
we're at the front of the line.
87
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Not today. Out!
88
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You can't let them out here!
89
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They're on the sidewalk!
90
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I bet running over Crossing Guard Sandy
91
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would make a real satisfying
"Tha-thunk!" sound.
92
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♪
93
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Guys, I'm not even here.
94
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I got to get groceries,
buy Taylor a digital clock,
95
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track down a thousand brown sugar cubes
96
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for Anna-Kat's Great Wall of China.
97
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Honestly, what is she going to learn
98
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by watching me build that thing?
99
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Okay, sit down a second.
100
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[Sighs]
101
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What is going on?
102
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Staying at home with the kids...
103
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is exhausting.
104
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I know!
105
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Shut up.
106
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You're a mother, and you stay at home,
107
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but you have a housekeeper, a nanny...
108
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A house manager... whatever that is.
109
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She manages my house.
110
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I never run out of anything.
111
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I don't even know what running
out of toilet paper feels like.
112
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It feels like a coffee filter.
113
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[Both laugh]
114
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Katie, look, you are
a real stay-at-home mom,
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not like some of these
other women in Westport...
116
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like her.
117
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I am not like them, okay?
118
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I'm way richer.
119
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[Chuckles]
120
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And Celeste and I share custody...
121
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three days on, four days off.
122
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- Dirty little secret about divorce?
- Mm-hmm.
123
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Just when you want
to slip your kids a Benadryl
124
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and leave them at the animal shelter,
125
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you get to give them back to your ex.
126
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Ohh, I can't leave Greg.
127
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Can I? Nah.
128
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Nah.
129
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No.
130
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I just went over the school calendar.
131
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My kids have 11 days of school
in the entire month of November.
132
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That's a straight-up war on women.
133
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You know what else
is a straight-up war on women?
134
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- That whole half-day thing.
- Mm.
135
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Can Mama stay at home
and watch "Unreal" on Lifetime
136
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- or not?!
- Mm-hmm.
137
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You know what you need, Katie?
138
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You need a break from being a mom.
139
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- A break?
- Yes!
140
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Do all that stuff tomorrow
141
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and do something for yourself today.
142
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- You're right.
- I know.
143
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I do need a break.
144
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I'm gonna take a nap.
145
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Oh! You never take naps.
146
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I know! That's what's going to
make this one so delicious.
147
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Ooh! [Chuckles]
148
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Oh! Call your housekeeper now
149
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so she puts lavender
underneath your pillow.
150
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[Sighs]
151
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I'm sensing you guys
are reaching maximum Doris.
152
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Yeah.
153
00:04:52,557 --> 00:04:54,724
But it's okay, because I'm taking a nap.
154
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[Laughter]
155
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[Engine starts]
156
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Ugh! That's Oliver's lunch!
157
00:05:03,301 --> 00:05:05,034
The curse of a stay-at-home mom.
158
00:05:05,136 --> 00:05:06,970
You know, if I had a job,
I'd be at work,
159
00:05:07,072 --> 00:05:09,539
and everyone would be like,
"Eh, she's at work."
160
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Man, I'd blame everything on work.
161
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♪
162
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All right.
163
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I'm in and out.
164
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Mrs. Otto!
165
00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,187
- You can't park there!
- You don't need to acknowledge her.
166
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- Just smile and keep going.
- Mrs. Otto!
167
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Like when you're watching
a movie with your parents
168
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- and people start doing it.
- Mrs. Otto, I know you can hear me!
169
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I bet Sandy's never done it.
170
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[Yawns]
171
00:05:37,302 --> 00:05:40,069
Can you please make sure
this gets to Oliver Otto?
172
00:05:40,171 --> 00:05:41,304
Mrs. Otto!
173
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Nurse Chapel. [Chuckles]
174
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I really need
the kids' vaccination dates.
175
00:05:46,878 --> 00:05:49,112
- I've e-mailed you three times!
- Mm-hmm. Right.
176
00:05:49,214 --> 00:05:51,481
The dates are right in my phone,
right here.
177
00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,716
This really should've been
taken care of weeks ago.
178
00:05:53,818 --> 00:05:54,851
I know,
179
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I've been ignoring many, many reminders.
180
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If I had a job,
I'd have my assistant do this.
181
00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:01,925
I'd have my assistant do everything.
182
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And he'd be cute.
183
00:06:03,428 --> 00:06:06,296
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
184
00:06:07,399 --> 00:06:08,665
Katie!
185
00:06:08,733 --> 00:06:10,700
Ugh! Skinny mommies
in tight, white jeans.
186
00:06:10,802 --> 00:06:12,068
Good for you.
187
00:06:12,170 --> 00:06:14,037
We need to get your picture
for the school newsletter.
188
00:06:14,139 --> 00:06:16,539
Not now, Suzanne.
This is not what I look like.
189
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[Scoffs] It pretty much is.
190
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[Camera clicks]
191
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Chin up, Katie.
192
00:06:21,112 --> 00:06:22,545
I have a double chin, so...
193
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Try the other side.
194
00:06:23,715 --> 00:06:25,115
Okay, well, it's on that side, too.
195
00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:26,182
[Camera clicks]
196
00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:29,919
[Yawns]
197
00:06:30,021 --> 00:06:31,387
Mrs. Otto!
198
00:06:31,523 --> 00:06:33,756
You are not supposed to park
in the yellow!
199
00:06:33,858 --> 00:06:35,558
Do not make me write you up.
200
00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:36,759
Write me up?
201
00:06:36,861 --> 00:06:38,394
Is it possible this woman is insane?
202
00:06:38,463 --> 00:06:40,930
How are you supposed to talk
to an insane person?
203
00:06:41,032 --> 00:06:44,100
Okay, Sandy. You're the boss.
204
00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:45,868
[The Cranberries' "Dreams" plays]
205
00:06:45,971 --> 00:06:48,438
My nap is 5 feet away.
206
00:06:50,141 --> 00:06:53,376
♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪
207
00:06:53,478 --> 00:06:54,911
- Hey.
- [Music distorts, fades]
208
00:06:55,013 --> 00:06:56,713
What are you doing here?
I thought you were at work.
209
00:06:56,815 --> 00:06:57,815
I think I'm getting sick.
210
00:06:57,849 --> 00:06:58,982
What are you talking about?
211
00:06:59,084 --> 00:07:00,817
You were perfectly fine two hours ago.
212
00:07:00,919 --> 00:07:02,719
Yeah, but when I got in the car,
I started feeling clammy.
213
00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:05,121
My throat is scratchy,
and my tongue is big.
214
00:07:05,223 --> 00:07:07,190
[Mumbling] I'm, like,
very aware of my tongue.
215
00:07:07,292 --> 00:07:09,092
I need sleep and my neti pot.
216
00:07:09,194 --> 00:07:11,527
He's not even sick! He's man-sick.
217
00:07:11,629 --> 00:07:12,929
You know what I call
having a little cough
218
00:07:13,031 --> 00:07:14,297
and wanting to go back to bed?
219
00:07:14,399 --> 00:07:15,465
Every day of my life!
220
00:07:15,567 --> 00:07:16,599
Move over.
221
00:07:16,668 --> 00:07:18,001
I'm taking a nap.
222
00:07:18,103 --> 00:07:20,036
Oh, no, I totally forgot...
I'm supposed to be
223
00:07:20,105 --> 00:07:21,971
the Reading Rascal today
in Anna-Kat's class!
224
00:07:22,073 --> 00:07:23,773
You signed up for that on purpose?
225
00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:24,875
What are you, an idiot?
226
00:07:24,976 --> 00:07:27,777
I can't go. I might get her class sick.
227
00:07:27,879 --> 00:07:29,045
You have to cover for me.
228
00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:30,279
No.
229
00:07:30,382 --> 00:07:31,581
No, Greg. Mnh-mnh.
230
00:07:31,683 --> 00:07:33,149
But Anna-Kat picked the book.
231
00:07:33,251 --> 00:07:34,751
She's so excited.
232
00:07:34,853 --> 00:07:36,319
It's about a cat.
233
00:07:36,421 --> 00:07:39,122
I think you'll find it's got
some really surprising turns.
234
00:07:39,190 --> 00:07:40,690
Fine!
235
00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:42,492
But you should not be allowed
to wear that T-shirt!
236
00:07:42,594 --> 00:07:43,926
If you were a real feminist,
237
00:07:44,029 --> 00:07:46,596
you would down some DayQuil
and rally like a mommy would.
238
00:07:46,698 --> 00:07:48,131
You know what?
239
00:07:48,266 --> 00:07:49,999
You're right.
240
00:07:50,068 --> 00:07:51,268
I'm gonna take off this shirt.
241
00:07:51,369 --> 00:07:52,802
[Scoffs]
242
00:07:58,275 --> 00:08:01,351
"Hunky Mama Cat and her kittens
were on their way.
243
00:08:01,376 --> 00:08:04,675
Hunky Mama Cat said, 'Where's Patches?'"
244
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:05,999
Daddy does voices.
245
00:08:06,117 --> 00:08:08,493
Daddy also gets
nine hours of sleep a night.
246
00:08:09,509 --> 00:08:12,417
"Hunky Mama Cat does every
last thing for her kittens.
247
00:08:12,488 --> 00:08:15,789
She feeds them, she plays with them,
248
00:08:15,892 --> 00:08:17,978
she licks them clean."
249
00:08:18,694 --> 00:08:19,927
Does she complain?
250
00:08:20,029 --> 00:08:21,029
No.
251
00:08:21,130 --> 00:08:22,130
Mnh-mnh.
252
00:08:22,198 --> 00:08:24,098
But she has every right to complain.
253
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,535
Yeah, I know it was her choice,
but Hunky Mama Cat...
254
00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:29,103
still wonders...
255
00:08:29,205 --> 00:08:31,805
what the hell happened to her life.
256
00:08:31,908 --> 00:08:35,976
You know, before she decided
to spew kittens onto the planet,
257
00:08:36,078 --> 00:08:37,945
she had a great job.
258
00:08:38,047 --> 00:08:40,681
She was North American sales director
259
00:08:40,783 --> 00:08:43,250
of Rollaboo Stroller Company.
260
00:08:43,386 --> 00:08:44,485
Hunky Mama Cat?
261
00:08:44,587 --> 00:08:46,053
Mm-hmm. Yes. She was.
262
00:08:46,155 --> 00:08:49,957
She got to wear high heels.
She got to fly in airplanes.
263
00:08:50,059 --> 00:08:53,894
She even had the special
golden corporate credit card.
264
00:08:53,963 --> 00:08:58,032
And Peter, the president
of the entire corporation,
265
00:08:58,134 --> 00:09:00,200
e-mailed Hunky Mama Cat
266
00:09:00,303 --> 00:09:03,070
and offered her her old job back!
267
00:09:03,172 --> 00:09:04,505
[Sighs]
268
00:09:04,607 --> 00:09:06,073
It was the best moment.
269
00:09:06,175 --> 00:09:08,409
I mean, they want her so much
270
00:09:08,511 --> 00:09:11,011
that after 12 years,
they're still coming after her.
271
00:09:11,113 --> 00:09:13,847
And every morning,
there's a box of pastries,
272
00:09:13,950 --> 00:09:15,616
and I don't know who brings them,
273
00:09:15,751 --> 00:09:16,850
and I don't care!
274
00:09:16,953 --> 00:09:18,185
[Laughs]
275
00:09:18,287 --> 00:09:21,021
It's okay. My mom had a breakdown, too.
276
00:09:28,064 --> 00:09:29,064
[Sighs]
277
00:09:29,131 --> 00:09:31,198
Screw it. I'm napping here.
278
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:32,766
["Dreams" plays]
279
00:09:32,868 --> 00:09:35,269
♪ And, oh, my dreams ♪
280
00:09:35,371 --> 00:09:36,371
[Sighs]
281
00:09:36,472 --> 00:09:40,240
♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪
282
00:09:40,276 --> 00:09:42,610
♪ 'Cause you're a dream to me ♪
283
00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:44,912
[Music distorts, fades]
284
00:09:45,014 --> 00:09:47,181
[Seat whirs]
285
00:09:54,457 --> 00:09:57,024
I patrol vehicles
for forgotten car-seat kids.
286
00:09:57,126 --> 00:09:58,126
[Smacks lips]
287
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,893
It's rare to find a drugged-out mommy.
288
00:09:59,996 --> 00:10:00,996
I'm not drugged-out.
289
00:10:01,130 --> 00:10:02,663
I deserve to be, but I'm not.
290
00:10:02,765 --> 00:10:05,032
And button up down there!
291
00:10:05,134 --> 00:10:06,834
There are children within 100 yards.
292
00:10:06,936 --> 00:10:09,036
♪
293
00:10:12,174 --> 00:10:13,240
Oh, how'd it go?
294
00:10:13,309 --> 00:10:15,709
I hate that evil witch, Sandy.
295
00:10:15,811 --> 00:10:17,478
You mean beloved Crossing Guard Sandy?
296
00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:19,313
She carries stunned birds
to the animal shelter.
297
00:10:19,415 --> 00:10:21,081
She caught me with my pants unbuttoned,
298
00:10:21,183 --> 00:10:22,850
and now she thinks
I'm a molester or something.
299
00:10:22,952 --> 00:10:24,192
Why were your pants unbuttoned?
300
00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:25,586
Because I'm fat, Greg!
301
00:10:25,721 --> 00:10:26,887
I was sleeping in the car,
302
00:10:26,989 --> 00:10:29,523
and I unbuttoned myself,
like a normal fat person.
303
00:10:29,658 --> 00:10:31,058
Not like a pervert.
304
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,927
Scoot over. I need to rest my eyes.
305
00:10:34,029 --> 00:10:35,189
You were sleeping in the car?
306
00:10:35,264 --> 00:10:36,630
You know what...
you don't understand my life.
307
00:10:36,732 --> 00:10:39,266
All I do all the time
is think about other people...
308
00:10:39,368 --> 00:10:42,035
you, the kids, especially Anna-Kat.
309
00:10:42,138 --> 00:10:43,470
[Sighs heavily]
310
00:10:43,572 --> 00:10:45,005
At least you get a break.
311
00:10:45,074 --> 00:10:46,074
- A break?
- Mm-hmm.
312
00:10:46,142 --> 00:10:47,841
I go to work. You seem to forget that.
313
00:10:47,943 --> 00:10:49,710
I work all day, and then I come home
314
00:10:49,812 --> 00:10:51,545
and continue to work
by helping you with the kids.
315
00:10:51,647 --> 00:10:52,927
- I don't get a break.
- Oh, please.
316
00:10:52,982 --> 00:10:54,014
Work is a break.
317
00:10:54,116 --> 00:10:55,482
You go to work, you have a lunch break,
318
00:10:55,584 --> 00:10:57,351
an afternoon break, a break room.
319
00:10:57,453 --> 00:11:00,197
You have a whole room
dedicated to breaks.
320
00:11:00,222 --> 00:11:01,569
If work is a break,
why don't you go back to work?
321
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:02,666
- Maybe I will.
- Good.
322
00:11:02,691 --> 00:11:04,568
- Don't think I won't.
- Fine. I just want you to be happy.
323
00:11:04,593 --> 00:11:06,871
Well, maybe I'll just
go back to work and be happy!
324
00:11:06,896 --> 00:11:08,896
You realize I'm agreeing with you and
your voice just keeps getting louder?
325
00:11:08,998 --> 00:11:12,065
It's 'cause I'm tired. And I need a nap.
326
00:11:12,168 --> 00:11:14,168
- [Telephone rings]
- [Groans] That's the landline.
327
00:11:14,270 --> 00:11:16,403
If someone is trying
to sell me solar power again,
328
00:11:16,505 --> 00:11:17,871
I'm gonna go ape turd on them!
329
00:11:17,973 --> 00:11:19,306
- [Beep]
- [Sighs]
330
00:11:19,375 --> 00:11:21,108
Take me off your list!
331
00:11:22,211 --> 00:11:23,277
Oh.
332
00:11:23,379 --> 00:11:24,411
Really?
333
00:11:25,848 --> 00:11:28,182
Okay. Somebody will be there.
334
00:11:28,284 --> 00:11:29,817
No, thank you.
335
00:11:29,919 --> 00:11:31,618
- [Beep]
- What is it?
336
00:11:31,721 --> 00:11:33,654
Oliver got caught insider-trading
337
00:11:33,756 --> 00:11:35,556
in his stock-market club.
338
00:11:35,658 --> 00:11:37,057
Is that even possible
339
00:11:37,159 --> 00:11:38,792
in a made-up club using pretend money?
340
00:11:38,861 --> 00:11:40,294
It's idiotic, but it's cheating.
341
00:11:40,429 --> 00:11:42,262
He's suspended for the rest of the day.
342
00:11:42,364 --> 00:11:43,297
You have to go pick him up.
343
00:11:43,399 --> 00:11:44,865
I took a double dose of DayQuil.
344
00:11:44,967 --> 00:11:45,799
So?!
345
00:11:45,901 --> 00:11:47,301
Well, I'm not good on uppers.
346
00:11:47,403 --> 00:11:48,602
It has the opposite effect on me.
347
00:11:48,704 --> 00:11:49,704
Up is down, down is up.
348
00:11:49,805 --> 00:11:51,271
I keep thinking I'm smelling mangos.
349
00:11:51,373 --> 00:11:52,272
Oh, Greg!
350
00:11:52,374 --> 00:11:54,208
Is there anything normal about you?
351
00:11:54,310 --> 00:11:57,144
I'm all jacked up, honey!
It's not safe for anybody!
352
00:11:57,279 --> 00:11:58,178
♪
353
00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,747
Insider trading, Oliver?
354
00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,048
I used to have one goal in life...
355
00:12:01,150 --> 00:12:02,950
to have a man-made stream in my yard.
356
00:12:03,052 --> 00:12:04,218
Now I have a new one...
357
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,787
keep my only son
out of white-collar prison.
358
00:12:06,889 --> 00:12:08,388
White-collar prison isn't that bad.
359
00:12:08,524 --> 00:12:10,824
Grant Windsor's dad was in
for 16 months.
360
00:12:10,926 --> 00:12:13,460
All he did was play squash
and get super-ripped.
361
00:12:13,529 --> 00:12:14,628
Which is why I'm going to make sure
362
00:12:14,730 --> 00:12:16,497
they put you in regular prison.
363
00:12:16,599 --> 00:12:19,133
That is now my new goal
in life, young man!
364
00:12:19,902 --> 00:12:20,801
Mrs. Otto.
365
00:12:20,903 --> 00:12:22,035
Nurse Chapel.
366
00:12:22,138 --> 00:12:24,204
I thought it was strange
that all of your children
367
00:12:24,306 --> 00:12:25,839
got their shots on their birthdays,
368
00:12:25,941 --> 00:12:27,541
so I troubled myself to put in a call
369
00:12:27,643 --> 00:12:29,042
to your pediatrician.
370
00:12:29,145 --> 00:12:30,544
I think you know where this is headed.
371
00:12:30,646 --> 00:12:32,746
I do. Can we just get to it?
372
00:12:32,848 --> 00:12:34,648
You just can't make up vaccination dates
373
00:12:34,717 --> 00:12:36,650
and put them
on official school documents.
374
00:12:36,752 --> 00:12:39,787
I don't know, Mom. I think
that falls under mail fraud.
375
00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:42,289
Good instincts, Oliver. Aggravate me.
376
00:12:42,391 --> 00:12:44,091
Anna-Kat needs a booster today.
377
00:12:44,193 --> 00:12:45,553
You have to pull her out of class.
378
00:12:45,594 --> 00:12:46,393
Now?!
379
00:12:46,495 --> 00:12:48,362
She could be teeming with disease.
380
00:12:48,464 --> 00:12:49,563
Teeming with it!
381
00:12:49,665 --> 00:12:52,065
Okay. Nurse Chapel, you are here.
382
00:12:52,168 --> 00:12:53,600
I'm gonna need you here.
383
00:12:53,702 --> 00:12:56,069
♪
384
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,774
You let me walk around
completely unprotected?!
385
00:13:00,876 --> 00:13:03,143
It's not a big deal.
It's an MMR booster.
386
00:13:03,245 --> 00:13:05,646
That's measles, mumps, and rubella.
387
00:13:06,448 --> 00:13:08,482
That's what I have. I have all of that!
388
00:13:08,617 --> 00:13:09,697
You don't have any of that.
389
00:13:09,752 --> 00:13:11,051
Hang on.
390
00:13:11,153 --> 00:13:12,519
I forgot something.
391
00:13:12,621 --> 00:13:15,189
There's no way I'm coming back
here for just one kid.
392
00:13:15,291 --> 00:13:17,624
I was right in the middle of practice.
393
00:13:17,726 --> 00:13:19,766
You were supposed to be
in the middle of math class.
394
00:13:19,795 --> 00:13:22,041
You said I could miss math today
to practice basketball
395
00:13:22,066 --> 00:13:23,630
because now I have soccer after school.
396
00:13:23,655 --> 00:13:24,745
When did I say that?!
397
00:13:24,769 --> 00:13:26,134
When you signed
the permission slip this morning.
398
00:13:26,135 --> 00:13:27,935
Ohh! I thought
it was for something else.
399
00:13:28,037 --> 00:13:29,277
I can't control what you think.
400
00:13:29,338 --> 00:13:31,205
♪
401
00:13:32,842 --> 00:13:34,675
Ugh!
402
00:13:34,777 --> 00:13:35,876
[Gasps]
403
00:13:36,912 --> 00:13:38,846
What?!
404
00:13:40,182 --> 00:13:42,683
Sandy!!
405
00:13:42,785 --> 00:13:43,951
I can't.
406
00:13:44,053 --> 00:13:46,286
I can't do it anymore. I just can't.
407
00:13:46,388 --> 00:13:49,196
I have a marketing degree from Duke!
408
00:13:49,221 --> 00:13:50,541
[Sighs]
409
00:13:54,488 --> 00:13:55,556
[Sighs]
410
00:13:55,581 --> 00:13:57,370
The school gave you a boot?
411
00:13:57,395 --> 00:14:00,596
No, I bought it on eBay
with some of my Christmas tips.
412
00:14:02,215 --> 00:14:04,382
Thanks for the empty card, by the way.
413
00:14:04,451 --> 00:14:06,618
[Scoffs] Just let me go.
414
00:14:06,753 --> 00:14:08,453
I don't know who you think you are.
415
00:14:09,789 --> 00:14:12,357
I don't know who I am, either.
416
00:14:12,459 --> 00:14:14,259
What happened to me, Sandy?
417
00:14:14,361 --> 00:14:16,527
Look at you. You've got a job.
418
00:14:16,630 --> 00:14:18,863
You're in a position of authority.
419
00:14:18,965 --> 00:14:20,198
You have a purpose.
420
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:21,566
Kind of.
421
00:14:21,668 --> 00:14:22,800
And I have seen you
422
00:14:22,902 --> 00:14:25,236
sitting on your folding chair
under the shade umbrella
423
00:14:25,338 --> 00:14:27,005
taking a nap.
424
00:14:27,107 --> 00:14:28,206
You got it all.
425
00:14:28,275 --> 00:14:30,441
A job, naps...
426
00:14:30,543 --> 00:14:32,243
everything.
427
00:14:32,345 --> 00:14:34,545
And I admire you.
428
00:14:34,648 --> 00:14:36,681
How sad is that?
429
00:14:36,783 --> 00:14:40,285
And all I have is a car
with three kids in it
430
00:14:40,387 --> 00:14:43,021
and a really bad smell
that I cannot seems to locate.
431
00:14:43,123 --> 00:14:44,756
I don't think it's me.
432
00:14:44,858 --> 00:14:46,057
[Sniffs]
433
00:14:46,159 --> 00:14:47,458
It might be me.
434
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,661
When did this become my life?
435
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,835
You're right, Crossing Guard Sandy.
436
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,567
[Smacks lips] I need to go back to work.
437
00:14:57,704 --> 00:14:59,404
Next time I'll have you towed.
438
00:14:59,506 --> 00:15:01,639
♪
439
00:15:01,708 --> 00:15:04,142
I open up to her,
and this is what I get!
440
00:15:04,244 --> 00:15:06,644
You know what? I'm taking these cones.
441
00:15:08,915 --> 00:15:09,981
Here.
442
00:15:11,384 --> 00:15:12,517
Why did you only take four?
443
00:15:12,619 --> 00:15:14,252
Because the last thing that I need
444
00:15:14,354 --> 00:15:16,454
is 12 traffic cones
garbaging up our garage
445
00:15:16,556 --> 00:15:17,822
for the rest of forever.
446
00:15:17,924 --> 00:15:19,424
[Tires squeal]
447
00:15:21,428 --> 00:15:23,161
Seriously, Mom, this is ridiculous.
448
00:15:23,263 --> 00:15:25,530
I'm missing basketball
and soccer practice.
449
00:15:25,632 --> 00:15:28,266
Stop breathing your germs!
I'm completely defenseless!
450
00:15:28,368 --> 00:15:30,301
- [Exhales deeply]
- [Screams]
451
00:15:30,403 --> 00:15:31,936
Mom, regarding these allegations,
452
00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:34,005
I just overheard a conversation
at Grant Windsor's,
453
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,406
and I made a few smart trades.
454
00:15:35,508 --> 00:15:36,985
I don't want to hear it, Oliver!
455
00:15:37,010 --> 00:15:40,070
You don't know what happens in business.
You don't even have a job!
456
00:15:40,547 --> 00:15:42,647
[Tires screech]
457
00:15:42,749 --> 00:15:44,015
[Horns blare]
458
00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:45,850
Wh... Wh... Why did we pull over?
459
00:15:45,952 --> 00:15:47,585
What did you just say?
460
00:15:48,555 --> 00:15:49,687
I love you?
461
00:15:49,789 --> 00:15:51,556
Did you just say
that I don't have a job?
462
00:15:51,658 --> 00:15:52,824
For your information,
463
00:15:52,892 --> 00:15:55,827
being a stay-at-home mom is my job!
464
00:15:55,929 --> 00:15:58,696
But apparently, today,
I'm pretty crappy at it!
465
00:15:58,798 --> 00:16:00,398
But not anymore!
466
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:01,966
Get out of the car!
467
00:16:02,068 --> 00:16:04,235
♪
468
00:16:08,575 --> 00:16:09,674
This is humiliating.
469
00:16:09,776 --> 00:16:10,942
Good.
470
00:16:11,044 --> 00:16:13,344
If you keep doing
whatever it takes to get rich
471
00:16:13,446 --> 00:16:15,179
by cutting corners and breaking laws,
472
00:16:15,282 --> 00:16:17,015
this is where you're going to wind up...
473
00:16:17,117 --> 00:16:18,950
cleaning up trash
by the side of the road,
474
00:16:19,052 --> 00:16:20,251
like a common criminal.
475
00:16:20,353 --> 00:16:21,953
Why do I have to do this?
476
00:16:22,055 --> 00:16:23,655
Because you're missing one booster shot.
477
00:16:23,723 --> 00:16:24,723
You're not gonna die,
478
00:16:24,791 --> 00:16:26,557
and a little dirt never killed anybody.
479
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:28,459
Mama would never let that happen to you.
480
00:16:28,561 --> 00:16:30,028
Don't touch that needle!
481
00:16:30,130 --> 00:16:31,229
Taylor: This isn't fair!
482
00:16:31,331 --> 00:16:33,931
Come on. I want to pick up trash, too.
483
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:36,566
No! You stay in there and keep studying.
484
00:16:36,591 --> 00:16:37,926
And you're only playing one sport,
485
00:16:37,951 --> 00:16:39,249
so you can concentrate
on your schoolwork.
486
00:16:39,274 --> 00:16:40,340
That stinks!
487
00:16:40,365 --> 00:16:43,362
Well, it's what I think,
and you can't control it.
488
00:16:43,387 --> 00:16:44,452
No after-school babysitter
489
00:16:44,477 --> 00:16:46,144
could parent my kids the way I do.
490
00:16:46,246 --> 00:16:47,645
I'm not just looking after them.
491
00:16:47,747 --> 00:16:50,782
I am trying to shape them
into halfway-decent people.
492
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:53,051
There's an old sock next to the shrub.
493
00:16:53,153 --> 00:16:54,153
I'm not touching that.
494
00:16:54,254 --> 00:16:56,087
In prison, you'd be touching worse.
495
00:16:58,258 --> 00:17:00,858
Besides, if some babysitter
made my kids do this,
496
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,727
I'd probably have them arrested.
497
00:17:02,829 --> 00:17:06,497
John Adams and Thomas Jefferson
both died on July 4, 1826...
498
00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:09,000
the 50th anniversary
of American independence.
499
00:17:09,102 --> 00:17:10,102
They wrote...
500
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:11,869
How could you support me taking a job
501
00:17:11,971 --> 00:17:14,172
when raising our kids is so important?
502
00:17:14,274 --> 00:17:16,795
Katie, I'm Skyping with my students.
Can this wait?
503
00:17:17,014 --> 00:17:19,262
Oh, they're five grad students,
and four of them are ladies.
504
00:17:19,287 --> 00:17:21,122
- They need to hear this.
- Can you hold that thought...
505
00:17:21,147 --> 00:17:25,350
Ladies, being a stay-at-home mom
suuucks.
506
00:17:25,452 --> 00:17:27,018
It does.
507
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,653
But I'm like one of those Navy SEALs
508
00:17:28,755 --> 00:17:30,922
they sent to kill Osama bin Laden.
509
00:17:31,024 --> 00:17:33,524
They dodged the bullets
and didn't get a lot of sleep,
510
00:17:33,626 --> 00:17:35,893
but they were convinced
that they were doing
511
00:17:35,995 --> 00:17:37,662
the most important job in the world.
512
00:17:37,731 --> 00:17:39,797
And being at home with my kids
513
00:17:39,899 --> 00:17:42,633
is the most important thing
I could be doing right now.
514
00:17:42,736 --> 00:17:44,001
But don't fool yourselves.
515
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:45,970
Being a working mom sucks, too...
516
00:17:46,072 --> 00:17:48,272
just in a different way.
517
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,675
Guys, you've got it made.
518
00:17:50,777 --> 00:17:52,902
My husband is working in bed right now,
519
00:17:52,927 --> 00:17:54,191
and he's not wearing any pants.
520
00:17:54,216 --> 00:17:56,771
- Class dismissed.
- Oh, come on! They've met me!
521
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,015
They know what you're dealing with.
522
00:17:58,118 --> 00:17:59,617
[Whispering]
These aren't my grad students.
523
00:17:59,719 --> 00:18:01,919
This is History 101.
524
00:18:02,021 --> 00:18:04,155
300 freshmen.
525
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:05,823
[Gasps]
526
00:18:08,661 --> 00:18:09,827
Go, Cardinals.
527
00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:13,865
Why didn't you shut me up?
528
00:18:13,933 --> 00:18:15,600
You compared yourself with SEAL Team 6.
529
00:18:15,702 --> 00:18:17,302
I was curious to see where it was going.
530
00:18:17,370 --> 00:18:20,131
Besides, I didn't think you were gonna
bring up I'm not wearing pants.
531
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,340
So, you're turning down the job?
532
00:18:22,442 --> 00:18:24,242
I'm turning down the job.
533
00:18:25,111 --> 00:18:26,477
Anna-Kat: Mama! You were right!
534
00:18:26,579 --> 00:18:28,279
It stings bad!
535
00:18:28,348 --> 00:18:29,747
[Sighs]
536
00:18:29,816 --> 00:18:31,749
No, no, no, no, no.
537
00:18:31,851 --> 00:18:33,251
You take your nap.
538
00:18:33,353 --> 00:18:34,786
I'll take care of this.
539
00:18:34,888 --> 00:18:36,187
Thank you.
540
00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:45,163
[Sighs heavily]
541
00:18:45,265 --> 00:18:47,265
["Dreams" plays]
542
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:51,135
- [Indistinct talking, clanking in distance]
- ♪ And, oh, my dreams ♪
543
00:18:51,237 --> 00:18:54,839
♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪
544
00:18:54,941 --> 00:18:57,508
♪ 'Cause you're a dream to me ♪
545
00:18:57,610 --> 00:18:59,644
[Greg moaning]
546
00:18:59,746 --> 00:19:01,746
[Moaning] No.
547
00:19:01,848 --> 00:19:03,314
[Moaning]
548
00:19:03,416 --> 00:19:06,217
Would you rather have hair
for teeth or teeth for hair?
549
00:19:06,286 --> 00:19:08,619
Hair for teeth. No-brainer.
Smoothies for every meal.
550
00:19:11,624 --> 00:19:12,844
Hey, what are you doing down here?
551
00:19:12,869 --> 00:19:14,235
I thought you needed a nap.
552
00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:15,526
I do.
553
00:19:15,628 --> 00:19:17,695
But I don't want to miss the fun parts.
554
00:19:18,565 --> 00:19:21,632
And, Oliver, I don't want you
to miss the fun parts, either.
555
00:19:21,734 --> 00:19:24,702
I think it's time
we let the stock market club go.
556
00:19:24,804 --> 00:19:26,170
You need to be a kid.
557
00:19:26,272 --> 00:19:28,039
I promise you can be a capitalist pig
558
00:19:28,107 --> 00:19:29,474
when you grow up.
559
00:19:29,576 --> 00:19:30,576
Thanks, Mom.
560
00:19:30,610 --> 00:19:31,610
Can we eat?
561
00:19:31,711 --> 00:19:33,578
- Yeah. [Chuckling]
- [Laughs]
562
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:34,912
Whoo!
563
00:19:36,583 --> 00:19:38,316
Okay, let's review.
564
00:19:38,451 --> 00:19:40,852
Being a stay-at-home mom does suck.
565
00:19:40,954 --> 00:19:42,854
And it's really important.
566
00:19:42,956 --> 00:19:46,858
But also, it can be
the best thing in the world.
567
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,125
So yeah.
568
00:19:48,194 --> 00:19:50,394
This is what I would rather.
569
00:19:51,498 --> 00:19:52,997
[Laughs]
570
00:19:53,099 --> 00:19:55,132
♪
571
00:20:00,309 --> 00:20:02,442
[Sighs]
572
00:20:03,446 --> 00:20:05,713
Whoever it is, leave now.
573
00:20:05,814 --> 00:20:07,047
I just need to brush my teeth.
574
00:20:07,149 --> 00:20:08,149
Anna-Kat!
575
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:09,549
Mom, Crossing Guard Sandy
just dropped off
576
00:20:09,651 --> 00:20:10,817
a written warning for you.
577
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,352
Let me file that right here.
578
00:20:12,454 --> 00:20:13,687
[Splash]
579
00:20:13,789 --> 00:20:15,022
Not looking. Not looking.
580
00:20:15,124 --> 00:20:17,357
Guys! We are not a naked family!
581
00:20:17,459 --> 00:20:19,292
Nice picture of you
in the school newsletter.
582
00:20:19,395 --> 00:20:21,695
Ugh. Another one for the tub.
583
00:20:21,797 --> 00:20:23,096
Now, everybody, get...
584
00:20:23,198 --> 00:20:24,765
- Sorry.
- Greg?!
585
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:26,877
I'm trying to balance out four DayQuil,
two NyQuil, and a Pepto-Bismol.
586
00:20:26,902 --> 00:20:27,978
I'm really chasing the dragon here.
587
00:20:28,003 --> 00:20:28,702
Get out!
588
00:20:28,804 --> 00:20:29,636
Get out! [Screaming]
589
00:20:29,738 --> 00:20:32,406
Get out! Get out! Get out!
590
00:20:32,508 --> 00:20:33,573
[Door slams]
591
00:20:33,675 --> 00:20:36,643
[Sighs deeply]