1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,504
(clock ticking)
2
00:00:17,069 --> 00:00:19,430
So, Gretchen,
3
00:00:19,465 --> 00:00:20,921
there's a topic we haven't broached yet.
4
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:23,158
How you seem to only own one pair of jeans?
5
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:26,458
You've been so focused on Jimmy's dad.
6
00:00:26,497 --> 00:00:28,762
Has that stirred up any
feelings about your father?
7
00:00:31,062 --> 00:00:31,643
Nope!
8
00:00:31,682 --> 00:00:32,966
What about your mom?
9
00:00:33,114 --> 00:00:35,453
I've noticed some tension
around the subject.
10
00:00:35,496 --> 00:00:38,406
Tension? My mom's a
baller-ass boss. End of story.
11
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,314
(gasps) Did you see
Wheel last night?
12
00:00:40,349 --> 00:00:42,427
Someone almost hit the
million-dollar wedge.
13
00:00:42,462 --> 00:00:44,343
I remember when they
brought that out in '08,
14
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,348
I was like, "What? That is nuts."
15
00:00:47,383 --> 00:00:50,420
So, would you say she's
controlling, manipulative?
16
00:00:50,455 --> 00:00:51,858
If I biffed a tennis match,
17
00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:54,118
she would take away my sheets and pillows.
18
00:00:54,159 --> 00:00:55,824
But that is what made me strong.
19
00:00:55,859 --> 00:00:57,887
My friends had chill
parents who didn't push them,
20
00:00:57,977 --> 00:01:00,093
and now they're all unmotivated babies.
21
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:02,162
Maybe if they had a mom like mine,
22
00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:05,785
they wouldn't be the pieces of
shit that they are currently.
23
00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:07,797
You know what?
24
00:01:07,832 --> 00:01:10,168
I'm gonna fix those shitty
babies, just like my mom would.
25
00:01:10,218 --> 00:01:12,636
I would actually advise you not
interfere with your friends' lives.
26
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,043
Too late. Doing it.
27
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,312
Of course you are.
28
00:01:15,603 --> 00:01:17,478
(sniffs) Okay, Gretchen.
29
00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:19,843
(clears throat) This is
obviously not working.
30
00:01:19,901 --> 00:01:22,223
The defensiveness, the mid-session naps,
31
00:01:22,285 --> 00:01:24,722
the things you're writing on the
bathroom stalls, the name calling...
32
00:01:24,775 --> 00:01:27,367
Oh, see, that one's on you.
You let a dog on the bed once...
33
00:01:27,402 --> 00:01:29,055
No one is forcing you to be here.
34
00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:31,126
Are you firing me?
35
00:01:31,161 --> 00:01:33,227
You don't fire me. I fire you.
36
00:01:36,414 --> 00:01:38,016
Okay.
37
00:01:38,197 --> 00:01:39,383
(scoffs softly) Wait.
38
00:01:39,437 --> 00:01:41,438
Uh, let's compromise. Uh...
39
00:01:41,486 --> 00:01:44,700
if I fix my friends and prove
that I'm right about my mom,
40
00:01:44,747 --> 00:01:47,409
do you promise not to fire me?
41
00:01:47,444 --> 00:01:49,401
I'm not firing you.
42
00:01:49,436 --> 00:01:50,918
That is not a compromise.
43
00:01:50,966 --> 00:01:52,169
And I don't agree to any of it.
44
00:01:52,219 --> 00:01:53,917
Great. Deal.
45
00:01:54,817 --> 00:01:56,157
Seriously,
46
00:01:56,192 --> 00:01:58,510
jeans are, like, 20 bucks at H&M.
47
00:01:58,590 --> 00:02:00,292
Get on it.
48
00:02:06,177 --> 00:02:09,299
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
49
00:02:09,334 --> 00:02:11,698
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
50
00:02:11,786 --> 00:02:13,885
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
51
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:18,871
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
52
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,908
(video game sound effects)
53
00:02:23,409 --> 00:02:24,811
(elephant trumpets)
54
00:02:26,807 --> 00:02:27,602
What are you doing?
55
00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:29,814
Zoo Entrepreneur?
What the hell is this?
56
00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:34,239
It's a highly invigorating game
in which one builds a virtual zoo.
57
00:02:34,302 --> 00:02:37,091
Mine's called "Jimmy's
Spectacular Zoo of Wonder
58
00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:38,342
"and Animal Friends
59
00:02:38,377 --> 00:02:41,881
Plus Cinnabons, Parenthesis
No Edgars Allowed."
60
00:02:42,128 --> 00:02:43,697
And you're a professional writer.
61
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,797
Gretchen, feeding the giraffe
and washing the rhinoceri
62
00:02:46,878 --> 00:02:50,312
exercises everything that a
writer needs for a productive day:
63
00:02:50,356 --> 00:02:53,863
problem solving, imagination, word having.
64
00:02:53,898 --> 00:02:55,673
What's your giraffe's name?
65
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,266
- Necky.
- Jimmy, you have a deadline!
66
00:02:57,313 --> 00:02:58,336
You need to be writing!
67
00:02:58,410 --> 00:03:00,312
Gretchen, it's all writing!
68
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:01,601
No, it's not.
69
00:03:01,662 --> 00:03:03,717
Playing, literally, the
world's most boring game
70
00:03:03,788 --> 00:03:04,785
- is not writing.
- (gasps)
71
00:03:04,820 --> 00:03:06,403
You know what's writing? (gasps)
72
00:03:06,462 --> 00:03:08,923
- Writing!
- Sorry, bor... boring?
73
00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:12,460
Why, just yesterday a seven-year-old
fell into the koala enclosure.
74
00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:13,760
He was not injured.
75
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,429
But he sure was severely nuzzled.
76
00:03:16,475 --> 00:03:17,693
Gretchen, what are you... No!
77
00:03:17,732 --> 00:03:19,928
No, plug the router back
in! My zoo is cloud-based.
78
00:03:19,963 --> 00:03:21,522
You show me some progress on your book,
79
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:22,902
and maybe you'll get this back.
80
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:26,674
Uh, my female elephant has severe ADHD.
81
00:03:26,792 --> 00:03:28,899
If I don't provide her
with constant stimuli,
82
00:03:28,985 --> 00:03:30,714
she'll suck all the hair off her tail.
83
00:03:30,749 --> 00:03:31,846
What's your elephant's name?
84
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,636
Persephone Cordelia Fitzsimmons.
85
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,051
Trunky.
86
00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:40,687
(sighs)
87
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,048
(moaning): Oh, yes.
88
00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:44,024
Oh, that's so good.
89
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,140
Do it.
90
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,436
PAUL: Ooh, would you look at that?
91
00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:50,410
A new poké place just
opened up on Barrington.
92
00:03:52,312 --> 00:03:57,762
Actor Peter Gallagher has shaved
$100,000 off the listing for his home,
93
00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:00,664
which features mature fruit trees.
94
00:04:00,770 --> 00:04:01,873
Imagine that.
95
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,208
- (panting, moaning)
- Oh.
96
00:04:03,255 --> 00:04:05,791
The bulky item drop-off
event is next weekend.
97
00:04:05,869 --> 00:04:08,834
We could dispose of the broken wine fridge.
98
00:04:08,904 --> 00:04:10,754
- Pull my hair.
- What?
99
00:04:10,795 --> 00:04:12,832
Another iOS update?
100
00:04:12,887 --> 00:04:14,756
These things are quite the nuisance, but...
101
00:04:14,826 --> 00:04:16,817
- Choke me.
- ...necessary for stability.
102
00:04:16,887 --> 00:04:18,858
- Almost there.
- Oh, my God, Lindsay.
103
00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:21,729
Did you know that every time
you evacuate your bowels,
104
00:04:21,789 --> 00:04:24,632
- you lose one-third...
- Almost there!
105
00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:25,964
- ...of the bacteria...
- I'm almost there!
106
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:26,887
...in your body.
107
00:04:26,942 --> 00:04:28,565
Goddamn it!
108
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,071
Isn't that amazing? (chuckles)
109
00:04:31,156 --> 00:04:33,654
Oh. Huh.
110
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,968
KILLIAN: "Simon startled,
pulsing with desire,
111
00:04:36,022 --> 00:04:37,732
"for he had dreamed of Kitty again.
112
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,240
"He wondered if at that moment,
113
00:04:39,275 --> 00:04:41,114
she was dreaming of him, moist and..."
114
00:04:41,149 --> 00:04:45,328
This is the worst day for
me to be absent from the zoo.
115
00:04:45,363 --> 00:04:48,082
I didn't order extra
pellets for the petting zoo.
116
00:04:48,117 --> 00:04:51,635
There's no way that those goats don't
develop a taste for human fingers.
117
00:04:51,705 --> 00:04:53,127
Can't do this today.
118
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:55,609
You promised your agent two more
chapters by the end of the week.
119
00:04:55,644 --> 00:04:58,852
Well, we all make promises
we can't keep, Killian.
120
00:04:58,887 --> 00:04:59,676
- (door opens)
- Like you, with your
121
00:04:59,711 --> 00:05:02,036
Presidential Fitness Challenge.
122
00:05:02,071 --> 00:05:03,607
(door closes)
123
00:05:09,829 --> 00:05:11,444
Uh, are you okay?
124
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,948
Ever since my dad's roast, I've felt odd.
125
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,812
Just aimless, but suddenly awakened.
126
00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:21,721
Like I'm accessing areas of my brain
that have been shut off for years.
127
00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:24,911
I feel like Bradley Cooper,
you know, in that movie, uh...
128
00:05:24,972 --> 00:05:26,398
- Aloha.
- ...Limitless.
129
00:05:28,016 --> 00:05:29,725
What is that body of water down there?
130
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,342
Is it some sort of public
wash for the destitute?
131
00:05:32,381 --> 00:05:34,795
Have you seriously never
been to the reservoir?
132
00:05:34,830 --> 00:05:37,504
There's a park, a running
trail, a rec center.
133
00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:39,398
Well, that settles that.
134
00:05:39,458 --> 00:05:41,260
To the...
135
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:44,118
reservoir I shall go.
136
00:05:44,153 --> 00:05:45,212
I'd go with you,
137
00:05:45,282 --> 00:05:48,397
but I'm actually working
on a new Dr. Weed video.
138
00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:49,317
- (door closes)
- Did I ever tell you
139
00:05:49,352 --> 00:05:51,359
about my character, Dr. Weed?
140
00:05:51,430 --> 00:05:54,577
He's this doctor who loves weed, but...
141
00:05:54,612 --> 00:05:55,854
Mister?
142
00:05:57,382 --> 00:05:59,565
Do you have any extra foods?
143
00:06:00,551 --> 00:06:01,953
Oh.
144
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,310
Lindsay, you're a mess, right?
145
00:06:12,345 --> 00:06:13,731
Boy howdy.
146
00:06:14,787 --> 00:06:18,147
So, what is going on in your life that
I can berate you into fixing my way?
147
00:06:18,205 --> 00:06:21,077
Hmm. Let's see.
148
00:06:21,139 --> 00:06:24,187
Well, I was having sex with this hunk
149
00:06:24,266 --> 00:06:26,848
named Raul, and I was about to splooge,
150
00:06:26,883 --> 00:06:29,688
but then Paul kept talking
and it went back inside.
151
00:06:29,754 --> 00:06:31,640
(chuckles): I still can't
believe you're cucking Paul.
152
00:06:31,675 --> 00:06:33,132
- I'm what now?
- Cuckolding.
153
00:06:33,167 --> 00:06:34,806
It's a subgenre of femdom.
154
00:06:34,867 --> 00:06:37,290
Well, whatever it is, Paul's ruining it.
155
00:06:37,325 --> 00:06:40,915
I just want to be normal and cheat on my
husband without feeling guilty about it.
156
00:06:40,950 --> 00:06:43,713
And here you are sulking
about it like a loser.
157
00:06:43,748 --> 00:06:45,012
You know what winners do?
158
00:06:45,047 --> 00:06:46,998
They take what they want, no matter what.
159
00:06:47,075 --> 00:06:48,889
So what are you gonna do about it?
160
00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:51,357
I'm gonna...
161
00:06:51,409 --> 00:06:54,895
tell Paul to go away the next
time I want to pork a rando?
162
00:06:54,969 --> 00:06:56,803
And don't you come back
without results, young lady,
163
00:06:56,838 --> 00:06:58,439
or else no Must See TV for you!
164
00:06:58,503 --> 00:06:59,822
Why are you being so bossy?
165
00:06:59,888 --> 00:07:01,823
Not bossy, Lindsay.
166
00:07:03,243 --> 00:07:04,795
Maternal.
167
00:07:04,828 --> 00:07:05,549
(gasps)
168
00:07:05,615 --> 00:07:07,917
♪ I want to drive ♪
169
00:07:07,990 --> 00:07:10,860
♪ Elsewhere in the place ♪
170
00:07:11,035 --> 00:07:13,956
♪ In the dead of night ♪
171
00:07:14,053 --> 00:07:18,407
♪ I want to see what makes ♪
172
00:07:18,442 --> 00:07:20,877
♪ I want to see ♪
173
00:07:20,911 --> 00:07:23,881
- ♪ Rusty cities ♪
- (barking)
174
00:07:23,913 --> 00:07:26,183
♪ Watch them fall ♪
175
00:07:26,216 --> 00:07:30,320
♪ I want to see it all ♪
176
00:07:30,353 --> 00:07:32,990
♪ I want to know ♪
177
00:07:33,024 --> 00:07:35,492
♪ That there ain't no cure... ♪
178
00:07:36,315 --> 00:07:38,918
You retrieved the projectile.
179
00:07:39,736 --> 00:07:41,179
But why?
180
00:07:42,733 --> 00:07:44,769
- ♪ I know ♪
- ♪ I know ♪
181
00:07:44,802 --> 00:07:46,337
♪ There's something missing ♪
182
00:07:46,370 --> 00:07:47,739
- ♪ I know ♪
- ♪ I know ♪
183
00:07:47,771 --> 00:07:48,839
♪ There's something missing ♪
184
00:07:48,872 --> 00:07:51,709
- ♪ I know ♪
- ♪ I know ♪
185
00:07:51,742 --> 00:07:54,612
♪ It's all right. ♪
186
00:07:54,644 --> 00:07:57,080
(howling)
187
00:07:57,113 --> 00:07:58,348
(howling)
188
00:07:59,617 --> 00:08:01,761
Do you guys watch Mr. Robot?
189
00:08:03,578 --> 00:08:06,606
(East L.A. accent): Okay. Our first
letter comes from Randall in Lubbock.
190
00:08:06,684 --> 00:08:08,198
- (Southern accent): "Dear Dr. Weed...
- (door closes)
191
00:08:08,269 --> 00:08:12,421
"...every soap I use in the
shower dries my skin out."
192
00:08:12,454 --> 00:08:14,852
(East L.A. accent): Randall,
this is a very common problem.
193
00:08:14,907 --> 00:08:18,996
My diagnosis is: twice a day, I want you...
194
00:08:19,031 --> 00:08:25,160
to smoke more weed...!
195
00:08:25,216 --> 00:08:26,641
What's going on here?
196
00:08:26,688 --> 00:08:28,493
(normal voice): Uh, cut.
197
00:08:29,246 --> 00:08:32,259
Uh, just answering viewer mail.
198
00:08:33,278 --> 00:08:35,536
I-I write the questions myself.
199
00:08:36,427 --> 00:08:37,817
So what's the goal with this?
200
00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:38,968
Oh, nothing. It's just something dumb
201
00:08:39,021 --> 00:08:40,870
I put on the Internet for my vet friends.
202
00:08:40,905 --> 00:08:43,318
So you're wasting your
most valuable resource...
203
00:08:43,351 --> 00:08:45,704
- My talent?
- ...your time, for no reason.
204
00:08:45,766 --> 00:08:47,640
Edgar, this has potential.
205
00:08:47,702 --> 00:08:49,158
Really? Thanks.
206
00:08:49,191 --> 00:08:50,485
- Because, you know, I thought...
- But just because you got
207
00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:53,355
your period at 11 does
not make you a woman.
208
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:57,681
Look, if you're gonna do these
videos, you got to do them all the way.
209
00:08:57,736 --> 00:08:59,201
(stammers)
210
00:08:59,449 --> 00:09:00,635
Okay.
211
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,438
First, we're gonna blast the video sites
212
00:09:03,472 --> 00:09:05,202
- and anything veteran related.
- Mm-hmm.
213
00:09:05,288 --> 00:09:07,320
I'll sneak it to some contacts.
214
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:08,114
Hey!
215
00:09:08,184 --> 00:09:10,808
You have a comment from a journalist.
216
00:09:10,879 --> 00:09:13,548
"I'm producing a new piece on
how marijuana can help veterans,
217
00:09:13,601 --> 00:09:15,483
and I'd love to interview you."
218
00:09:15,518 --> 00:09:16,783
So have you reached out to him?
219
00:09:16,818 --> 00:09:19,383
Nah. I don't really
want that much attention.
220
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,385
What's wrong?
221
00:09:26,089 --> 00:09:27,300
Are you mad at me?
222
00:09:27,378 --> 00:09:29,499
Sometimes I think I care
more about this than you do.
223
00:09:29,558 --> 00:09:31,299
No, no. I'm-I'm sorry.
224
00:09:31,332 --> 00:09:32,968
I was just nervous. I'll e-mail the guy.
225
00:09:33,047 --> 00:09:34,549
Hey, hey.
226
00:09:39,821 --> 00:09:41,606
Is that the shirt you're wearing?
227
00:09:42,396 --> 00:09:43,520
Hmm.
228
00:09:46,515 --> 00:09:49,885
(kids chattering playfully)
229
00:09:49,919 --> 00:09:51,888
(men chattering, basketball bouncing)
230
00:09:52,572 --> 00:09:53,303
MAN: Oh, yeah.
231
00:09:53,338 --> 00:09:54,986
Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it.
232
00:09:55,115 --> 00:09:56,558
Go in, go in, go in, go in!
233
00:09:57,146 --> 00:09:59,414
- Yeah!
- JIMMY: Yay!
234
00:10:01,411 --> 00:10:03,096
Let's go. Let's run next.
235
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:04,978
You want in?
236
00:10:07,088 --> 00:10:09,538
Well, I am trying new things today.
237
00:10:09,731 --> 00:10:10,583
I am in.
238
00:10:10,638 --> 00:10:12,841
Whose, uh... whose squad shall I be on?
239
00:10:12,992 --> 00:10:14,494
The other one.
240
00:10:14,577 --> 00:10:15,510
Screen, screen, screen.
241
00:10:15,544 --> 00:10:17,480
♪ ♪
242
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:24,404
Hey, hey, hey! You, you, you!
243
00:10:25,888 --> 00:10:27,891
♪ ♪
244
00:10:30,092 --> 00:10:31,554
- Watch screen, screen!
- Yeah!
245
00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:34,316
Shoot it!
246
00:10:35,494 --> 00:10:36,400
Yes!
247
00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:38,429
I win! I win.
248
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:39,635
(panting)
249
00:10:39,944 --> 00:10:41,637
What an invigorating hand sport.
250
00:10:41,731 --> 00:10:44,094
How often do you, uh, you fellows play?
251
00:10:45,507 --> 00:10:46,947
(Jimmy screams)
252
00:10:46,982 --> 00:10:48,211
Ow, my ankle!
253
00:10:48,244 --> 00:10:49,408
W-We forfeit!
254
00:10:49,443 --> 00:10:50,920
My-my team forfeits!
255
00:10:50,955 --> 00:10:52,456
(groaning)
256
00:10:53,742 --> 00:10:56,146
Nice and clean.
257
00:11:01,323 --> 00:11:02,891
(shudders)
258
00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:04,557
So clean.
259
00:11:05,928 --> 00:11:06,895
(clears throat)
260
00:11:07,332 --> 00:11:08,374
Hey.
261
00:11:08,409 --> 00:11:09,638
Bear, can we talk?
262
00:11:09,690 --> 00:11:10,816
Of course.
263
00:11:13,511 --> 00:11:16,251
I love you so much.
264
00:11:16,322 --> 00:11:18,354
And I want to keep being honest with you.
265
00:11:18,389 --> 00:11:20,147
- Oh, God.
- I just noticed how hard
266
00:11:20,223 --> 00:11:22,688
it's been for you when Raul is around.
267
00:11:22,774 --> 00:11:27,616
So, for your sake, I'll spend
time with him, or whoever,
268
00:11:27,727 --> 00:11:31,168
somewhere else, so you won't have to watch.
269
00:11:31,251 --> 00:11:32,646
For you.
270
00:11:35,246 --> 00:11:38,607
You can't have relations with
other men when I'm not there.
271
00:11:38,669 --> 00:11:39,787
That's adultery.
272
00:11:39,856 --> 00:11:42,778
Well, you're clearly not enjoying cucking.
273
00:11:42,813 --> 00:11:44,100
Which is what we're doing.
274
00:11:44,132 --> 00:11:46,080
And it's ruining it for me.
275
00:11:46,115 --> 00:11:49,104
I am doing the hard work
to be a better partner
276
00:11:49,138 --> 00:11:50,644
and tell you what I need.
277
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:53,976
And if you can't handle it...
278
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:56,979
I just don't know, Paul.
279
00:11:57,252 --> 00:11:59,122
I just don't know.
280
00:12:00,172 --> 00:12:01,288
So...
281
00:12:02,684 --> 00:12:05,459
this cucking is something
many women fantasize about?
282
00:12:05,494 --> 00:12:07,697
All of them. They all do.
283
00:12:09,658 --> 00:12:11,661
(sighs)
284
00:12:15,088 --> 00:12:18,934
Boy. Now I'm embarrassed by my prudishness.
285
00:12:19,926 --> 00:12:22,637
Well, if this is an established,
286
00:12:22,670 --> 00:12:24,460
rudimentary fetish, then I suppose
287
00:12:24,518 --> 00:12:26,210
I am up for the challenge.
288
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,909
I'm going to research
this fantasy of yours.
289
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,520
You'll see.
290
00:12:30,599 --> 00:12:33,748
I'll be the best cuck ever.
291
00:12:33,913 --> 00:12:35,549
For our family.
292
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:38,934
Family.
293
00:12:42,911 --> 00:12:45,684
(groans) Are you sure it's not broken?
294
00:12:45,719 --> 00:12:47,282
It's just a sprain. So what happened?
295
00:12:47,317 --> 00:12:50,120
(sighs) I was hooping "b-ball"
296
00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:52,242
with some diverse local athletes.
297
00:12:52,277 --> 00:12:53,190
Sick.
298
00:12:53,222 --> 00:12:55,192
I am so stoked you called me for this.
299
00:12:55,225 --> 00:12:57,894
Well, don't have insurance, so...
300
00:12:58,232 --> 00:12:59,093
Anyway, thanks.
301
00:12:59,128 --> 00:13:00,426
Uh-uh. We made a deal.
302
00:13:00,497 --> 00:13:02,686
- I'm doing your podcast.
- You promised!
303
00:13:02,721 --> 00:13:05,112
I don't care. I'm not...
304
00:13:05,912 --> 00:13:09,326
Although, before yesterday,
I thought I hated dogs,
305
00:13:09,361 --> 00:13:13,664
sports, hipster picnics and
unrefrigerated cart fruit, too.
306
00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:15,148
Do you know what? I will do it.
307
00:13:15,183 --> 00:13:17,620
Hell yeah! This is
gonna be the best episode
308
00:13:17,655 --> 00:13:21,083
since Adam Pally did that extended
bit where he pretended he was pissed
309
00:13:21,116 --> 00:13:23,588
and didn't know why he was doing my show.
310
00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:25,889
You're slouching.
311
00:13:25,922 --> 00:13:28,557
Okay, almost ready.
312
00:13:28,689 --> 00:13:29,926
- Okay.
- Good.
313
00:13:29,958 --> 00:13:31,950
Edgar, tell the nice
man what we talked about.
314
00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:33,603
(whispers): What's the blue screen for?
315
00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:36,458
Edgar. You can ask him.
316
00:13:38,744 --> 00:13:40,649
What's the blue screen for?
317
00:13:40,712 --> 00:13:46,708
Oh, uh, we have a really cool digital set
that we composite in, like Tosh.0.
318
00:13:46,772 --> 00:13:49,040
- And this card?
- White balance.
319
00:13:50,279 --> 00:13:51,682
(whispers): White balance.
320
00:13:55,558 --> 00:13:57,454
Just bring it up a little bit. Good.
321
00:13:59,516 --> 00:14:00,418
Okay.
322
00:14:01,372 --> 00:14:03,072
So, can you introduce yourself?
323
00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:05,295
Well, my name is Edgar Quintero.
324
00:14:05,327 --> 00:14:07,612
6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.
325
00:14:07,674 --> 00:14:09,882
And what's your experience
with the V.A. been like?
326
00:14:09,945 --> 00:14:12,101
The V.A. is a great institution,
327
00:14:12,134 --> 00:14:15,467
but they're underfunded and understaffed.
328
00:14:15,502 --> 00:14:17,374
People are literally dying
329
00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:19,803
because they can't get
the health care they need.
330
00:14:19,881 --> 00:14:23,478
And how long have you been
treating your PTSD with marijuana?
331
00:14:23,513 --> 00:14:25,014
Oh, um, th...
332
00:14:25,171 --> 00:14:26,448
that wasn't...
333
00:14:26,481 --> 00:14:27,918
that's not really...
334
00:14:31,344 --> 00:14:34,979
I'm just not comfortable being
so open about my self-medicating.
335
00:14:35,014 --> 00:14:37,671
Plus, this is all a lot
fancier than I expected.
336
00:14:37,706 --> 00:14:40,201
They got a blue screen like Tosh.0.
337
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,705
Honey... you're doing great.
338
00:14:44,346 --> 00:14:46,259
Now, if you don't get back out there,
339
00:14:46,341 --> 00:14:48,868
we are not stopping for
milkshakes on the way home.
340
00:14:56,278 --> 00:14:58,682
(exhales)
341
00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:01,685
I have tried a bunch of treatments,
342
00:15:01,717 --> 00:15:04,728
but nothing has fixed my PTSD.
343
00:15:06,288 --> 00:15:10,527
Lately though, I found that s...
344
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,118
smoking pot has been really effective.
345
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:17,951
I even kind of feel
like a real person again.
346
00:15:20,439 --> 00:15:22,572
I don't know if marijuana
works for everyone,
347
00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:26,276
but it seems to be working for me.
348
00:15:30,980 --> 00:15:32,548
(TV playing quietly)
349
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:36,816
Is it bedtime?
350
00:15:36,851 --> 00:15:38,158
It's still day.
351
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,855
Bedtime's for night.
352
00:15:39,966 --> 00:15:42,726
As promised, wife, I've been researching
353
00:15:42,766 --> 00:15:44,658
this cuckolding fetish we now have.
354
00:15:44,705 --> 00:15:45,435
Oh?
355
00:15:45,470 --> 00:15:50,007
Certain men intuit that they are
genetically inferior beta males.
356
00:15:50,042 --> 00:15:54,161
So they get aroused by
watching their partners copulate
357
00:15:54,216 --> 00:15:58,861
with someone of superior DNA, e.g. Raul.
358
00:15:58,896 --> 00:16:02,979
Furthermore, I have a special
present for you, my hot wife.
359
00:16:03,051 --> 00:16:06,315
(giggles) Where's my present?
360
00:16:06,638 --> 00:16:08,350
Right here.
361
00:16:11,885 --> 00:16:16,236
The cage symbolizes the
cuck's sexual inferiority
362
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,569
and genital unworthiness.
363
00:16:18,604 --> 00:16:22,239
By associating sexual arousal with...
364
00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:23,407
(strained): extreme pain,
365
00:16:23,442 --> 00:16:27,591
my body will slowly learn
that I do not deserve
366
00:16:27,626 --> 00:16:30,463
- erotic satisfaction.
- (cage locks)
367
00:16:31,874 --> 00:16:33,176
Oh, God.
368
00:16:33,294 --> 00:16:35,864
- Okay, Paul...
- (knock on door)
369
00:16:39,355 --> 00:16:42,058
Part deux of my surprise. (chuckles)
370
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,711
Raul.
371
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,698
Raul's friend.
372
00:16:47,784 --> 00:16:49,167
Good day.
373
00:16:49,215 --> 00:16:51,233
You may take what you want.
374
00:16:53,895 --> 00:16:55,898
♪ ♪
375
00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:01,532
Oh, boy.
376
00:17:01,610 --> 00:17:03,289
This is humiliating.
377
00:17:03,324 --> 00:17:07,224
Your genetic superiority
is extremely emasculating.
378
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,590
Oh, boy, that's my wife.
379
00:17:09,668 --> 00:17:10,837
I'm a worm.
380
00:17:10,915 --> 00:17:11,847
I'm a worm.
381
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:13,148
That's my wife!
382
00:17:13,183 --> 00:17:15,103
I'm a worm! Oh, oh.
383
00:17:15,138 --> 00:17:16,422
The cage!
384
00:17:16,457 --> 00:17:18,226
Oh, the cage.
385
00:17:20,214 --> 00:17:22,149
I was not expecting this.
386
00:17:22,184 --> 00:17:24,920
Dude, I have, like, 20,000 subscribers.
387
00:17:24,990 --> 00:17:28,131
Vernon, the guest shower is
completely clogged by your curly hair.
388
00:17:28,163 --> 00:17:30,236
I swear to God, if you're
not taking your Propecia...
389
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:32,571
Hi, Jimmy. Let's test your levels, huh?
390
00:17:32,625 --> 00:17:35,315
- You're on the podcast?
- Don't sound so shocked.
391
00:17:35,370 --> 00:17:37,635
I interned for Frosty, Heidi and Frank.
392
00:17:37,670 --> 00:17:39,818
- (harmonica plays)
- ANNOUNCER: This is Balloon Knot Media.
393
00:17:39,853 --> 00:17:41,389
(fart sound)
394
00:17:43,613 --> 00:17:46,454
Welcome to Vernon Down the
House on Balloon Knot Media.
395
00:17:46,555 --> 00:17:49,112
I am Dr. Vernon Barbara, joined, as always,
396
00:17:49,175 --> 00:17:51,153
by my lovely wife and sidekick...
397
00:17:51,188 --> 00:17:52,435
Uh, cohost.
398
00:17:52,497 --> 00:17:55,290
Hey, Bec. Aw, did I say "sidekick" again?
399
00:17:55,350 --> 00:17:58,767
Hey, Vern. Uh, yeah, you
did, you stinker. (chuckles)
400
00:17:58,821 --> 00:18:00,298
VERNON: Visiting the man cave this week
401
00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:02,830
is a very special guest;
he's a best-selling author,
402
00:18:02,865 --> 00:18:05,125
and one of my all-time best buds,
403
00:18:05,175 --> 00:18:07,400
- Jimmy Shive-Overly.
- (canned applause)
404
00:18:08,625 --> 00:18:09,480
Welcome, Jimmy.
405
00:18:09,515 --> 00:18:10,478
Uh, thank you.
406
00:18:10,525 --> 00:18:12,683
- So great.
- So, Jimmy, where you from?
407
00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:13,909
Savannah, Georgia.
408
00:18:13,942 --> 00:18:15,545
(both laugh loudly)
409
00:18:15,580 --> 00:18:17,406
That's great.
410
00:18:18,095 --> 00:18:21,177
Uh, I'm actually from a
small town outside Manchester.
411
00:18:21,252 --> 00:18:22,028
England.
412
00:18:22,091 --> 00:18:23,765
Oh, Jimmy, you are just too much.
413
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,658
Ah, that is great stuff.
414
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:28,687
So, Jimmy, are you in
a good place right now?
415
00:18:30,094 --> 00:18:30,727
Yes.
416
00:18:30,759 --> 00:18:32,829
Even with the recent death of your father?
417
00:18:32,939 --> 00:18:35,829
BECCA: Oh, yeah. It gets
real in the man cave.
418
00:18:35,923 --> 00:18:37,480
He made Adam Pally cry.
419
00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:39,131
That guy's got some stuff.
420
00:18:39,166 --> 00:18:41,647
- (brief dramatic music)
- WOMAN (echoes): Dra-ma!
421
00:18:41,682 --> 00:18:45,508
Um... well, we had a memorial
service the other day.
422
00:18:45,547 --> 00:18:47,790
That helped me get some closure.
423
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,357
And why was closure important?
424
00:18:49,411 --> 00:18:52,027
(ticking clock sound)
425
00:18:52,062 --> 00:18:54,250
- (ticking stops)
- Well, I guess my role in the family
426
00:18:54,282 --> 00:18:56,525
was basically to annoy him, so...
427
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,985
So you could get the attention
you wouldn't otherwise get.
428
00:18:59,020 --> 00:19:00,631
Is that why you moved to L.A.,
429
00:19:00,694 --> 00:19:02,291
- became a writer?
- BECCA: Had your nipple pierced
430
00:19:02,370 --> 00:19:04,927
for two weeks, or fostered
that boa constrictor?
431
00:19:05,002 --> 00:19:06,095
Aw, Squeezy.
432
00:19:06,127 --> 00:19:08,785
Sounds like quite the weight
has been lifted off you, then.
433
00:19:09,668 --> 00:19:10,767
Yeah.
434
00:19:11,023 --> 00:19:12,183
Guess it sort of has.
435
00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:14,777
So, what's next for Jimmy?
436
00:19:17,888 --> 00:19:19,920
I've been working on my new book.
437
00:19:19,974 --> 00:19:20,905
Although, to be honest,
438
00:19:20,991 --> 00:19:23,142
I haven't been getting
much writing done lately.
439
00:19:23,212 --> 00:19:27,444
But I thought you only became
a writer to piss off your dad.
440
00:19:27,515 --> 00:19:29,639
Yes, I did become a
writer to make him angry.
441
00:19:29,688 --> 00:19:34,186
So, if he's gone, why are you still
living your life in reaction to him?
442
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:35,935
So, if I'm not writing,
443
00:19:35,973 --> 00:19:39,398
because I have no one to
write against anymore...
444
00:19:41,457 --> 00:19:42,517
...who am I?
445
00:19:42,552 --> 00:19:44,159
- That's what I'm saying.
- That's what he's saying.
446
00:19:44,194 --> 00:19:46,713
- (harp plays a scale)
- VOICES: Insight.
447
00:19:46,748 --> 00:19:48,515
I can start over now.
448
00:19:48,550 --> 00:19:50,487
Not in reaction to anyone,
449
00:19:50,579 --> 00:19:52,826
but in accordance to my authentic self,
450
00:19:52,861 --> 00:19:55,245
whomever I was meant to be!
451
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:56,946
(chuckles): Oh, my God!
452
00:19:57,210 --> 00:19:59,556
What if what I was
actually meant to do is...
453
00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:02,483
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Got to pay some bills. Bec?
454
00:20:02,518 --> 00:20:04,723
- (guitar music plays)
- This week's Vernon Down the House
455
00:20:04,794 --> 00:20:07,690
is exclusively sponsored by Red Napkin.
456
00:20:07,729 --> 00:20:11,210
Guys, I love Red Napkin,
for so many reasons.
457
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:12,909
(fading): You know how sometimes
you want a za'atar-spiced
458
00:20:12,944 --> 00:20:15,407
fennel stromboli, but you
don't want to leave the house?
459
00:20:21,662 --> 00:20:22,844
Hey, hon, you hungry?
460
00:20:22,879 --> 00:20:24,088
Don't "hon" me!
461
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,157
Look at what you did.
462
00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:29,363
Those numbers don't lie!
463
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,398
You know what else doesn't lie?
464
00:20:31,857 --> 00:20:32,938
War heroes!
465
00:20:32,973 --> 00:20:36,671
My name is Edgar Quintero,
6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.
466
00:20:36,752 --> 00:20:39,267
Smoking pot fixed my PTSD.
467
00:20:39,302 --> 00:20:42,540
The V.A.... expects all of
us... to shut the hell up.
468
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,872
Marijuana works for everyone.
469
00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:48,439
People are literally dying
because they can't get marijuana.
470
00:20:48,474 --> 00:20:50,373
People literally... dying.
471
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,849
- They're... dying. People... are dying.
- (militaristic rock music plays)
472
00:20:52,912 --> 00:20:54,778
_
473
00:20:54,871 --> 00:20:56,162
_
474
00:20:56,481 --> 00:20:57,683
(TV turns off)
475
00:20:58,453 --> 00:21:00,605
You got me in with the pot people.
476
00:21:00,650 --> 00:21:02,070
They're the worst people.
477
00:21:02,105 --> 00:21:04,423
Worse than people who study
abroad or atheists or...
478
00:21:04,458 --> 00:21:06,502
Ooh, what about children
of celebrities who pretend
479
00:21:06,537 --> 00:21:07,616
that it didn't help their careers.
480
00:21:07,651 --> 00:21:12,098
These pot activists leech off of
people with legitimate problems
481
00:21:12,133 --> 00:21:13,403
in order to further their agenda,
482
00:21:13,450 --> 00:21:14,981
which is just getting high!
483
00:21:15,028 --> 00:21:16,540
Why did you make me do this?!
484
00:21:16,587 --> 00:21:17,976
I was looking out for your best interests.
485
00:21:18,030 --> 00:21:20,308
Yeah, well, I'm done with Dr. Weed.
486
00:21:20,340 --> 00:21:22,123
Hey! If I quit every time
487
00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:23,897
my mother pushed me to do something hard,
488
00:21:23,932 --> 00:21:25,502
I wouldn't have... I-I...
489
00:21:25,537 --> 00:21:27,845
Okay, well, I guess I did quit eventually
490
00:21:27,923 --> 00:21:29,819
to start doing drugs and
having unprotected sex
491
00:21:29,854 --> 00:21:30,690
with college boys.
492
00:21:30,768 --> 00:21:32,114
But the point...
493
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,003
No! No more advice!
494
00:21:34,667 --> 00:21:35,748
I hate you.
495
00:21:35,782 --> 00:21:38,255
(gasps) I was trying
to help you fill your...
496
00:21:38,333 --> 00:21:39,119
(door opens, closes)
497
00:21:39,151 --> 00:21:40,638
(sighs)
498
00:21:40,693 --> 00:21:43,027
Look what I made! I went to Kinko's.
499
00:21:43,089 --> 00:21:44,623
Talked to some undergrads making a 'zine.
500
00:21:44,657 --> 00:21:46,459
It's a lovely place. Anyway, turns out
501
00:21:46,491 --> 00:21:49,493
I've been living my entire
life in opposition to my father.
502
00:21:49,563 --> 00:21:52,278
And now that he's dead, I
have no idea who I really am.
503
00:21:52,341 --> 00:21:53,961
Am I even a writer? Who knows?
504
00:21:54,016 --> 00:21:55,701
Maybe I'm meant to be a master carpenter,
505
00:21:55,794 --> 00:21:58,549
slash tree house architect,
slash singer-songwriter.
506
00:21:58,584 --> 00:22:01,229
(chuckles) Anyways, although
my zoo animals are likely dead
507
00:22:01,291 --> 00:22:04,413
or escaped, I'd like to thank
you for taking that router
508
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,615
and forcing me to explore the world.
509
00:22:06,650 --> 00:22:07,614
Okay.
510
00:22:07,685 --> 00:22:10,942
I'm gonna go into the backyard and test
some branches for load-bearing capacity.
511
00:22:14,519 --> 00:22:17,223
(door opens, closes)
512
00:22:17,257 --> 00:22:18,525
(phone chimes)
513
00:22:20,758 --> 00:22:24,069
_
514
00:22:31,387 --> 00:22:32,471
Hey.
515
00:22:32,882 --> 00:22:34,446
Oh, sorry.
516
00:22:34,481 --> 00:22:36,471
- Look...
- Jesus Christ.
517
00:22:36,506 --> 00:22:39,111
- Ugh, what is that?!
- What...
518
00:22:39,146 --> 00:22:42,365
Order mozzarella sticks
like a person. (gags)
519
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,988
Anyway, I-I don't want you to
cream your jeans or anything
520
00:22:45,054 --> 00:22:46,224
'cause I know they're your only pair,
521
00:22:46,259 --> 00:22:47,857
but maybe my mom wasn't so great.
522
00:22:47,930 --> 00:22:49,659
Seriously? What, did you hack my e-mail?
523
00:22:49,694 --> 00:22:51,277
I mean, the pressure made me rad,
524
00:22:51,340 --> 00:22:53,066
but have you ever slept with no sheets?
525
00:22:53,136 --> 00:22:54,860
So scratchy.
526
00:22:55,051 --> 00:22:56,992
Five out of ten. Would bang.
527
00:22:57,046 --> 00:22:58,865
- Yup, that's her.
- GRETCHEN: Actually,
528
00:22:58,951 --> 00:23:02,568
that was the first time
I fell into a depression.
529
00:23:02,827 --> 00:23:04,440
- ♪
♪
- It was after a tennis match
530
00:23:04,475 --> 00:23:05,445
and I had won,
531
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,238
but not by enough, 'cause
it was never enough.
532
00:23:08,311 --> 00:23:13,104
And my mom was doing this...
this food withholding thing.
533
00:23:13,148 --> 00:23:15,279
I think she saw something
about it on a TV show
534
00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:17,293
as a way to control your dog or something.
535
00:23:17,328 --> 00:23:19,398
♪ Black lights on all night ♪
536
00:23:19,433 --> 00:23:20,200
♪ The day coul... ♪