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(THEME SONG PLAYING)
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LISTER: Ow!
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Ah!
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Ow!
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Lister, it's 6:00 in the morning.
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What are you doing?
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I'm just trimming my big toe
with these lawn hedge trimmers.
8
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So, you've finished Kierkegaard's
The Concept of Irony, then?
9
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I've got an ingrown toenail, Rimmer.
It's killing me, man!
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Thank it for me.
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I've tried everything.
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Scissors, nail file.
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Why don't you get Kryten
to do it for you?
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Have you seen the size of his hands?
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They're like space shovels.
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It'd be like asking Herman Munster
for a circumcision.
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- No, thanks!
- (DOOR OPENING)
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- Speaking of...
- Breakfast, sir.
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Kryten, it's 6:00 in the morning!
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We moved the clocks forward today, sir.
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And remember last year when it was time
to move the clocks forward
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and you wanted another hour in bed?
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So you asked if I could move the clocks
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forward an extra hour
the following year instead?
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Well, we've actually been doing that
now for the last seven years.
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So, in actuality,
according to space adjusted time,
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it is now 2:00 in the afternoon.
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Which means, breakfast time!
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I'll just tuck this napkin in
for you, sir.
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- Thank you.
- There we go.
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And I'll just fluff this pillow up.
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Fluff, fluff, fluff. There we go, sir.
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Is there anything you don't do for him?
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When he goes to the loo,
do you fit a special hand
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made from three-ply toilet tissue?
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It's an excellent suggestion, sir.
I'll make a note!
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Actually you're all right, Kryts.
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Erm, what's for breakfast?
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The full Lister, sir.
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Ah, the full Lister!
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Eggs, bacon, sausages,
hash browns, onions,
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six slices of white toast,
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double buttered on both sides
with mustard,
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and a beer milkshake
to wash it all down with.
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Ta-da!
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Oh, sir, I'm so sorry.
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I must have forgotten to make it.
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What is wrong with me?
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Ah, you're all right, Kryten.
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Are you okay?
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How could I be so stupid?
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Stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid!
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You talking about me?
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Kryts isn't feeling too good.
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Ah, what's up, bud of mine?
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I've been a little distracted of late.
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I think I may have lost something
that's fundamental to my very being.
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One of your nipple nuts
dropped off again?
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It's nothing like that, sir.
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I think I've lost my love of mopping.
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And not just mopping.
Scrubbing, dusting,
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even wiping,
which was always my favourite.
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It's like a little light's
gone out inside.
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Kryten, it's called your sanity circuit.
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What's brought all this on?
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Well, just recently I've started
thinking about the Universe.
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About how cosmic inflation
at the time of the big bang
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means it's constantly expanding
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until one day it's gonna burst.
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And when it does, everything in
the Universe is gonna cease to exist,
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including the works
of the greatest minds,
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Einstein, Mozart, Da Vinci,
Hoover, Dyson, Hotpoint, DustBuster.
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And it got me thinking, if everything
in the Universe is going to end,
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including time itself, what is the point
in cleaning above eye level?
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Good question.
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If one day the Universe
is going to explode,
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who cares if the oven is a bit gunky?
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Nothing matters, sir.
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Justice, truth, culture, morality,
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life, death, religion, war.
It's all absurd.
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Why even get up in the morning?
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I've been asking that for years!
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KRYTEN: What am I going to do?
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Why don't you take an ice-cold shower?
That'll fix it.
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I'm not waterproof, sir.
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Exactly.
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Kryten, what about Silicon Heaven?
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Does that bring you no comfort?
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Well, just lately I've started to think
that the idea of an afterlife
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for machines is preposterous.
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ALL: No!
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Especially as appliances who are pledged
to the wrong manufacturer
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aren't even allowed in.
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It just seems so unfair that all
the Blackberrys burn in Silicon Hell!
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What's eating you, bud?
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I'm not sure, sir.
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Perhaps it's something to do with today
being the anniversary of my creation.
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- Happy creation day, bud!
- Happy creation day.
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Yeah, happy creation day.
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I came off a conveyor belt
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2,976,000 years ago today.
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Where did all the years go?
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What's got into him?
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Wait a minute,
how old did Kryten say he was?
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Three million, give or take
an ice age or two.
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And how long are mechs built to last
before the Grim Ruster comes along?
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Another three million?
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Give or take an ice age or two.
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Well, there's your answer, then.
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Kryten's having a mid-life crisis.
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What even is a mid-life crisis?
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I don't think us cats ever get 'em.
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It's a period when people,
usually halfway through life,
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are forced to confront
their own mortality.
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Put it this way, have you ever felt,
"I've wasted my life"?
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You? Sure.
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Every single day!
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No, have you ever felt
you've wasted your life?
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No!
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Have you ever felt, "There's so much
more I could have been"?
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No!
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Have you ever felt,
"If I went back in time
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"and had my time again, I'd..."
Forget it!
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(ELEVATOR RINGS)
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I suppose you can't blame
Kryten for feeling like this.
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He's nearly three million years old,
but what has he got to show for it?
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Mozart was five when he wrote
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
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Yeah, but what did he do
after that, huh?
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He had a bad case of second
nursery-rhyme syndrome, right?
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Mozart, dummy, is one of the greatest
musical gods of all music.
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And after Twinkle, he went on to write
among other things, The Best of Mozart.
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And The Best of Mozart Volume Two.
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It must be so hard for you
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being the only one here
with a classical education.
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It is!
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Kryten?
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(MACHINE WHIRRING)
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What have you done to yourself?
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What do you think?
It's the new DX87 shell.
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Carbon fibre, Rosso corsa red,
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Alcantara trim with twin exhausts.
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It has a top walking speed of,
get this, 12 miles an hour.
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And you should see
how this hoochie takes corners.
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It is pip-tacular.
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Plus, with the new push rod
suspension system,
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allowing my nose to be lower
to the ground,
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I can take corners at 38 degrees.
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Kryten, sit down. We wanna talk to ya.
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Check this.
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Kryten, do you know
what a mid-life crisis is?
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Sure do-ski. It's a period of emotional
turmoil in the middle of life.
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Symptoms are usually unexpected anger,
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a loss of interest in things
once considered important,
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and a desire to try
and recapture your youth.
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Now check out these sub-woofers!
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(MUSIC PLAYING)
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Can you feel that bass?
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Is that not some serious bump?
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I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it!
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We used to play this on the Nova V.
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Yeow!
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Yeah!
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Turn that din off!
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Kryten!
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You're having a mid-life crisis.
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Well, that's preposterous, I'm a mech.
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Denying you're having a mid-life crisis
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is a key characteristic
of having a mid-life crisis.
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- It is?
- Along with getting an earring,
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a red sports car
and an interest in extreme sports.
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I need time to think about this.
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Perhaps I'll go bungee jumping
in the lift shaft and mull it over.
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I wonder why I'm so attracted
to bungee jumping all of a sudden?
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- (TYRES SCREECHING)
- Whoa!
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Yes, he's having
a full-on mid-life crisis.
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Hmm.
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Next thing, he'll be leaving us
for a younger crew.
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Look, we need to help him.
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What do you suggest? A lunar road trip?
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Herding vacuum cleaners?
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We've gotta show him how much
he's evolved, how much he's achieved.
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He hasn't achieved anything
183
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because he spends all his time
looking after you!
184
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Oh, get outta town, Rimmer!
185
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He's been independent
186
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ever since I helped him
break his programming.
187
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Yes, independent to look after you!
188
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Okay, how about this, remember years ago
that tech we took from the Nova V?
189
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Kryten's old ship?
190
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,887
Yeah, didn't they have
some special find fleet software?
191
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,450
So that ships could locate each other?
192
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,124
So what you're suggesting
is we find one of
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"badly damaged parcel head's" old ships?
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We find one with a mech on board.
195
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,922
It'll show Kryten how much he's evolved.
196
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,286
How long will that take?
197
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:36,888
Well, once the scanners have located
a ship, to us, it'll be no time at all.
198
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,607
'Cos we'll go into stasis
till we get there.
199
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:40,881
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
200
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,288
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
201
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,610
Are we there yet?
202
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,922
- Let me check.
- (ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
203
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,286
Right, got it.
204
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,926
There's a ship 222 clicks from here.
205
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,082
- Name?
- Nova III.
206
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,289
The III's were launched
a hundred years before the Nova V's.
207
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:13,561
Any life signs, sir?
208
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,928
One, a mechanoid 3000 series.
209
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,090
Goes by the name of Butler.
210
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,245
What's this ship doing out here?
211
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,049
Well, according to the mission log,
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00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,600
they were looking
for a missing research station
213
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,967
that was attempting
to communicate with the Universe.
214
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,441
Back in the day,
there used to be a theory,
215
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,204
now dismissed as preposterous,
216
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,329
that the Universe
was an intelligent entity.
217
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,482
Bet you're really looking forward
to meeting Butler.
218
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,041
He'll probably be unable
to lie, won't he, sir?
219
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,168
Or cheat, deceive, brag, boast,
220
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,801
whinge, exaggerate,
or be proud, pompous or self-important.
221
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,484
In fact, he won't be able
to do any of the things I've taught ya.
222
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:04,211
Thinking back, I see now
I've had such a privileged upbringing.
223
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,731
Ah, Kryts!
224
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,207
It's going to be like
when you discover someone from school
225
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:09,770
is doing really badly.
226
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:13,289
It always gives you
that lovely, warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
227
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,250
In fact, I've got a list
I carry around in my man purse
228
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,004
of all the kids doing worse than me.
229
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,086
Short list, is it?
230
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,446
Derek Smetherton.
231
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:22,965
He was our head boy.
232
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,569
Won every prize going,
dated all the best-looking girls,
233
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,689
but he ended up as a bald divorcee
234
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,809
working in a sewage treatment plant
in the Falkland Islands.
235
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,050
And they say there's no God.
236
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:46,726
Butler!
237
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,483
Kryten, how lovely to meet you.
238
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,688
Follow me and I'll escort you
to our bridge.
239
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,246
Oh, you have a bridge.
240
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,441
How very quaint.
241
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,286
Back on the Nova V
we had a command room.
242
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:58,646
Oh, how grand!
243
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,927
Our bridge is nothing
very special, I'm afraid.
244
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,964
I hope you don't mind,
but I prepared some canapes.
245
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,008
I thought you might be peckish
after your journey.
246
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,642
So we have Bleu-Blanc-Coeur
rillettes du Maine,
247
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,451
or if you prefer, bocconcini brochettes
248
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,409
with a tomato and balsamic reduction.
249
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:15,760
Mmm, yum.
250
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,320
I'll match that yum and raise you a yum
and make it yum-yum!
251
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,006
Mm.
252
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:25,127
I hope you like vintage champagne,
Krug Clos du Mesnil 2140.
253
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,361
Indeed we do.
254
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:27,720
Derrieres up.
255
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,120
I'll have a beer.
256
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,166
This way.
257
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,649
After the crew died,
I converted this space into a gallery
258
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,563
so I had somewhere
to keep the paintings.
259
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,569
Ah, the captain had quite a collection.
260
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,171
These are quite stunning.
261
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,447
Er, no, no, these are
my paintings, Kryten.
262
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:45,851
You own all these paintings?
263
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,285
I painted the paintings.
264
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,682
It gives me a break from the concertos
265
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,649
I put on to entertain
the vending machines.
266
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,688
Are you musical, Kryten?
267
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,883
Sometimes he hums when he's vacc-ing.
268
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,320
Musical? No, Butler.
269
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,051
But it's long something
I've intended to take up.
270
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,768
"Concerto".
The etymology is fascinating.
271
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,921
It's the conjunction of consorere,
meaning to join, and certome, to fight.
272
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,562
The idea is that the two parts of the
concerto, the soloist and the orchestra,
273
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,881
alternate episodes of opposition
274
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,964
and cooperation in the creation
of the music flow.
275
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:23,369
Er, this floor, am I right in thinking
you've used our old friend Piny Shine
276
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:27,206
with its famed protective coating
and antislip finish?
277
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,203
I must confess I don't recall.
278
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,045
I've been rather distracted lately
finishing my latest novel.
279
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,770
- Reading?
- Writing.
280
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,166
Splendid.
281
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:36,481
What's it about?
282
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:40,201
It delineates the events surrounding
the droid uprising and invasion
283
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,886
of Callisto back in
the late 22nd century.
284
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,924
And the impact the uprising has on
lunar society
285
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,368
as seen through the eyes
of five privileged human families.
286
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:53,801
Do you write, Kryten?
287
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,646
Shopping lists, laundry lists. That
midnight oil hardly gets a breather.
288
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:58,846
Rimmer?
289
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,843
Incidentally, if any of you have
any diseases,
290
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,968
I most probably have an antidote.
291
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,327
Breakthrough medical cures
is a hobby of mine.
292
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,209
Do you dabble in medical science?
293
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,169
He's got a belting cure for hiccups.
294
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,446
Yeah, you drink a glass of water
295
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,204
through a straw while sticking
your fingers in your ears.
296
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,203
No, no, no, it so works.
297
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,601
We're expecting the Nobel Prize
for Medicine
298
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:19,126
through the cargo bay door any day now.
299
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,921
Before I show you the rest of my ship,
I have to make one thing very clear.
300
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,520
I have no intention of ever leaving
the Nova III.
301
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,160
My only captain now is my own muse.
302
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,569
You will join us for
the day, though, surely?
303
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:31,721
My pleasure.
304
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,610
Rimmer, have you seen
this painting here?
305
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,643
How is this helping Kryten?
306
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:39,960
Forget Kryten.
307
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,042
If we can make Butler change his mind,
308
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,964
this is a once in a lifetime opportunity
to update our mech.
309
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,361
What, get rid of Kryten?
310
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:47,851
We'll keep him for the cleaning.
311
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,446
Let Butler take care of the science.
312
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,563
I've only had a perfunctory look
313
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,769
but I think I can rather help expand
your EM booster circuits.
314
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,842
Well, sadly,
that won't be possible, Butler.
315
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,241
We simply can't afford to have Starbug
316
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,526
out of commission
for any length of time.
317
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:07,647
(BEEPING)
318
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,131
There, done.
319
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,724
- (MACHINE WHIRRING)
- Hang on, what's this?
320
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,768
The blinking machine's gone
full on red blinky!
321
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,569
GELF gunships, six of them,
322
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,244
coming in at 210 Mark IV.
323
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,208
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- 60 seconds to intercept.
324
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,567
They're coming in both port
and starboard sides!
325
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,007
They're stabilising.
Preparing to lock on!
326
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,206
Suggestions?
327
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,806
Reroute power to the fusion booster.
Try and outrun them.
328
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,963
Okay, spinning up engines one,
drives two!
329
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,850
I don't mean to interfere but
if you do that, won't the gunships
330
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,810
simply take advantage of the open drives
and electro-jam the engine?
331
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,928
(WHOOSHING)
332
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,606
They've electro-jammed our engines.
333
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:48,761
They're locking on!
334
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,126
Incoming!
335
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,770
(ELECTRONIC HUMMING)
336
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:56,641
Prepare yourself to die,
human ship of scum!
337
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,001
Equahecta, is that you?
338
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:03,846
Butler?
339
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,724
(SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
340
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:07,801
(LAUGHING)
341
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:12,005
(SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
342
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,647
(SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
343
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:18,930
You two know each other?
344
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:20,889
I'm his daughter's godfather.
345
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,487
It was Equahecta's way of thanking me
after I helped his sick tribe.
346
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:30,329
My tribe avoid big death
when Butler make skin demons flee.
347
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,731
My pleasure.
348
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,929
And I still treasure the Gelfberry wine
you gave me.
349
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,923
Best weed killer I've ever had.
350
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,446
My rafflesia arnoldiis
absolutely love it.
351
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,210
(SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
352
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,211
You're too kind.
353
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,648
Equahecta has promised to safely escort
us back to Red Dwarf.
354
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:49,846
We must thank him.
355
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,969
On behalf of all the Red Dwarf crew
let me say:
356
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:57,170
(KRYTEN SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
357
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,446
Actually Kryten, it's:
358
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,966
(BUTLER SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
359
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,486
- Here, say it with me. Maaarrr.
- Maaar.
360
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,609
- No, it's... It's in the throat. Maaarr.
- Maaar.
361
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,489
- No, Maaarrr.
- Maaar.
362
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,324
- Maaarr.
- Maaar.
363
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,004
- Maaarr.
- Maaar.
364
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,651
Maaarr. Maaarr.
365
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,563
- Maaarrr.
- (ALL TOGETHER) Maaarrr.
366
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,689
- That's it. Maaarrr.
- RIMMER: Maaarr.
367
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,411
- Maaarrr.
- Maaarr. Maaarr.
368
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:27,247
ALL: Maaarr. Maaarr. Maaarr.
369
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,084
Yeah, that's, er... That's quite close.
370
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,650
The Sackenyaco dialect's
371
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,087
a little trickier to master
than the Guinetowowe.
372
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,447
Later, I'd be happy to go over it
with you.
373
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,523
That'll be most useful.
374
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,324
Oh, I forgot to ask.
375
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,410
Equahecta, how is Bacnacnegath?
376
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:48,968
(SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
377
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,003
His father is dying of fever.
378
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,570
Oh, do you have a cure, Butler?
379
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,881
Well, possibly, it's hard to say without
seeing him.
380
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,930
Well, then you must go.
Go, be gone and go!
381
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:03,769
(CONVERSING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)
382
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,322
They'll teleport me aboard their ship
383
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,164
and then afterwards return me
to the Nova III.
384
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,526
I must bid you farewell.
385
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:10,841
(GRUNTS)
386
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,202
Perhaps we could get together
sometime soon?
387
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:17,365
I have the Nova III's handshake
frequencies written right here, sir.
388
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:21,286
Good luck, my friends, and may every day
bring us each a little more wisdom.
389
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,727
- (WHOOSHING)
- KRYTEN: Ra ra ra gaaar.
390
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,643
BUTLER: Ra gaaarrr.
391
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,200
- Ra gaarr.
- Ra gaarr.
392
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:29,964
(MACHINE PINGS)
393
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,404
Hey, it's my watch.
394
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,482
No need, sir, I'm happy to do it.
395
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,810
How you doing?
396
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,685
I'd just like to have been better
than Butler at something.
397
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,411
Just one small,
tiny, itty, bitty thing.
398
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,165
- I had a mid-life crisis once.
- You didn't say.
399
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,728
Yeah, it was about three years ago.
400
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:02,170
Had all the classic symptoms.
First, I denied it, then I got angry.
401
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,449
Then I started thinking about
missed opportunities.
402
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,931
Then I got depressed.
403
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,287
And then, finally, I accepted it.
404
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,729
How long did this whole thing last, sir?
405
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,211
About five minutes.
406
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,370
Five minutes?
407
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,889
Yeah, I just thought,
"Dave, you're getting older. Move on."
408
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,081
just like that?
409
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,925
That's how you have a mid-life crisis
in the North, Kryts.
410
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,843
Bish, bosh, done!
411
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,290
We don't toss about.
412
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,931
I wish I could be the same, sir,
but I just can't.
413
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,641
Things didn't exactly go to plan
back there, did they?
414
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:37,647
It really brought home to me what a
wretched failure my whole life has been.
415
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,771
Butler is several generations before me
and yet he's done so much more with
416
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,410
- what he's been given.
- (MACHINE WHIRRING)
417
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,767
- Whoa!
- (HIGH-PITCH ED DRONING)
418
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,330
What the smeg was that?
419
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,011
It's the EM boosters. Of course!
420
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:53,607
Butler, the damn fool, he didn't realise
that unlike the Nova Ill,
421
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,251
all our boards have universal linkage.
422
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,401
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- Meaning?
423
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,608
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- The engines are going to burn out, sir!
424
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,603
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- He'll look absolutely stupid!
425
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,808
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- Doesn't that mean we're going to crash?
426
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,723
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- How stupid is he going to look then?
427
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,490
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- Yeah, but say we die?
428
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:08,971
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- Even better!
429
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,281
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- Is there no way we can land and repair?
430
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,567
Well, we could, but why should we help
Butler out?
431
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,526
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- Kryten!
432
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,848
Oh, my jealousy chip
is overloading, sir!
433
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,570
Return to sane mode.
434
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,563
- Of course we should land.
- Where?
435
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,405
Anywhere, before the whole board
is infected.
436
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,528
Turning all power off now.
437
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,523
Couldn't we make it back to Red Dwarf?
438
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:31,931
Too many course adjustments.
439
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,049
We need to find somewhere
along our present line of velocity.
440
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:40,843
Okay, scanning. Scanning. Scanning.
There!
441
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,083
It's about nine hours from here.
We can make it.
442
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,605
Take over!
443
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:46,841
I'll go and tell the others.
444
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,651
And don't forget to tell them
whose fault it was.
445
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,806
Perhaps I'm going to give you a call
after all.
446
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:13,366
RIMMER: This is perfect.
447
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,489
KRYTEN: All we need is a power source
to set up the adjustment array.
448
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,290
CAT: SIU. What's that?
449
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,761
KRYTEN: "The Search for an Intelligent
Universe."
450
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,765
This must've been the missing space
station the Nova III was looking for.
451
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:28,640
The Universe, so some scientists
believe, is a living entity.
452
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,926
So they built a space station
to communicate with it?
453
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,642
No doubt armed with Rizlas
the length of ski bags.
454
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,963
Well, judging by a cursory glance
through the crew files, sir,
455
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:42,487
they all appear to be leading pioneers
in their fields.
456
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:46,360
And I think we all know
what was growing in their fields.
457
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:47,965
Do you think any communication ever take
458
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,724
place between these scientists
and the Universe?
459
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,040
KRYTEN: It appears not.
460
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:52,963
Maybe they called and
the Universe was out?
461
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,281
More likely the scientists were
long dead
462
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:59,206
before the computers completed
their billions of calibrations.
463
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,600
Look at that.
464
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:01,886
- (PHONE BEEPING)
- Is that call waiting?
465
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:05,529
It appears as if
the Universe is on hold, sir.
466
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,206
No way has it been waiting
all this time.
467
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,010
It's going to be seriously smegged off.
468
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,084
Not as smegged off as Butler
when he finds out what we've discovered.
469
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,969
Leave this to me.
470
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:17,726
Hello.
471
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,325
Is there anyone there?
472
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,641
UNIVERSE: Yes. I am here.
473
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,605
RIMMER: To whom am I speaking, please?
474
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:29,527
UNIVERSE: I am the entity known
to you as the Universe.
475
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,689
Ah, Mr Universe, sir.
476
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,330
It's not Mr Universe, Rimmer.
477
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,802
That's some geezer with pecks
and a posing pouch.
478
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,360
- Ask him the meaning of life.
- Hang on.
479
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,970
How can we know for certain
that you are indeed The Universe?
480
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,008
UNIVERSE: I am the Universe.
481
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:47,890
I am everything.
482
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,964
I am the entire contents of space.
483
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,487
I am all matter and energy.
484
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:55,365
I am time.
485
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,842
I am the totality of all existence.
486
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,331
Says you.
487
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,250
But can you prove it?
488
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,847
LISTER: What are you asking for, Rimmer,
a utility bill?
489
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,440
Photo ID? A spend and save card?
490
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,170
Look, let me take over.
491
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,850
- There you go, Kryten, you're up.
- Sir?
492
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,011
All your worries about the big burst,
the meaning of life...
493
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:19,851
Now's your chance. Ask the Universe.
494
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,369
KRYTEN: Perhaps you can help, sir.
495
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:26,570
I've been struggling of late
to comprehend the point of existence.
496
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:28,250
UNIVERSE: Explain.
497
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,403
KRYTEN: Well, if you're going to die
in 14 billion years' time,
498
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,244
what's the point in anything?
499
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,800
UNIVERSE: Wait, I'm going to die?
500
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,891
KRYTEN: Well, yes.
501
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,324
UNIVERSE: What, in just
14 billion years' time?
502
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,927
I'm halfway through my life, then.
503
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,731
No wonder I'm not as hot as I once was.
504
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,571
No wonder I'm expanding exponentially.
505
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,329
You've just sent the Universe
into a full-on mid-life crisis.
506
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:56,561
Oh,
507
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,529
UNIVERSE: Halfway through my life and
508
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:03,003
I've only ever created one lousy,
stupid planet with intelligent life.
509
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,684
And that's debatable.
510
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,241
UNIVERSE: What have I been
doing all this time?
511
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:12,051
KRYTEN: Well, making life from nothing
is really rather tricky, sir.
512
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:13,810
- You've done rather well.
- Wait.
513
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,406
UNIVERSE: If... If I die,
and I leave nothing behind,
514
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:20,121
my life has no meaning
and existence is senseless.
515
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:21,925
Ain't that right?
516
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,002
- No.
- No?
517
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,491
I've been thinking about this.
518
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,609
If you created everything
in the Universe,
519
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,728
then you must have created love.
520
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,968
And it strikes me that
there may be no God
521
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,849
and no afterlife, no one knows.
522
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,242
But we do know love exists.
523
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,926
And if it does, then life has meaning.
524
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,164
Let's hear it for the Universe.
525
00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:43,521
Great job, guy.
526
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,568
UNIVERSE: That's very kind of you.
Thank you.
527
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,366
I must confess
I feel a whole lot better.
528
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:49,680
So do I.
529
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,407
Is there any advice you can give us
before we jog on?
530
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:53,606
- UNIVERSE: Yes.
- KRYTEN: What?
531
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,682
Kryten, take off that suit.
532
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,364
It really sucks!
533
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,083
What a very strange day.
534
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,049
Strange, but reassuring.
535
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,168
I realise now,
we're all in the same boat.
536
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,605
Even the Universe.
537
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,526
And even though the boat has a hole
in it, at least we get to see the sea.
538
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,802
(DIALLING RADIO BUTTONS)
539
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:24,449
Ah, Butler, it's Kryten.
540
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,524
I'm calling to say hi
and thank you for today.
541
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,681
Not at all.
542
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:32,731
Incidentally, when we left you,
we stumbled across a space station.
543
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,725
And the most incredible thing,
it turned out to be
544
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,406
the space station you were looking for,
and guess what?
545
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,766
We actually talked to the Universe,
the actual Universe itself.
546
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,322
What do you make of that?
547
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,169
Oh, you know the Universe.
548
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,245
You call him Uni?
549
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,204
You purposefully expanded our EM circuit
so I'd meet him?
550
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,725
You thought it might help me?
551
00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,804
You have him on speed dial?
552
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,521
♪ It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere ♪
553
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,763
♪ I'm all alone, more or less ♪
554
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,049
♪ Let me fly far away from here ♪
555
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,891
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
556
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,487
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
557
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:21,241
♪ I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose ♪
558
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,290
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice ♪
559
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,762
♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes ♪
560
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,650
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
561
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:34,042
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
562
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,245
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
563
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:40,847
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪