It's big.
Of course it's big.
Hmm.
Doesn't mean I want to get married in it.
Is that a no, then?
What do you think?
I asked you. I don't mind.
Well, I don't mind, either.
We have to make a decision,
because we've got to choose the music
and the flowers and cake tiers.
And my mother's pestering me...
Alex, I want to be your husband because I love you
and you're amazing.
And you deserve the perfect day. It's not to please your mother.
Right answer.
You answer that. I'm gonna get us a coffee.
OK.
- Hi, Alex. - Ella?
- Erm, I need to be quick. - OK.
Erm, I'm in Ethiopia.
Ethiopia? Why?
I took a call while you were away.
And I would never, never, erm...
normally ask, erm, this of you,
but you're the only person I can trust.
Hurry up!
Private Acquisitions.
There's a Sabean spoon up for verification.
Yes, yes, yes, I know it!
Read!
I need my reading glasses.
- Ella? - Chop-chop! Hurry up!
So you need to take the Eritrea Amiri
from Jeddah to Massawa Port.
And a driver will meet you there in 48 hours.
You bring the spoon and then they'll let me go.
Who? Who's "they"? How do I know...
If you run into any problems, check the reference section.
"Etag nam tros" in speculo.
- What? - In speculo!
Ella?
48 hours. Come alone.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
I haven't even told you what it is yet.
This is important to me, Hooten.
- No. - Why? What's the problem?
You lost me at Massawa. It's Africa's sphincter.
Oh, so it's a little bit grimy. Who cares?
That's never bothered you before.
I had a dice game there once. It didn't end well.
Fine. OK, that's fine. I'll do it on my own. Erm...
Just one question before you go.
What happens when you trigger a load sensor?
It alerts the security company, the building goes into lockdown.
Right, OK. And what would I do to avoid that?
Just theoretically.
Replace the weight,
maintain the pressure on the pad.
Wait, wait, wait. What are you up to?
- Nothing. - You're stealing something.
Don't be ridiculous. Bye.
My boy! Whoo!
No, no, no, no.
Next time.
Thank you.
Calm down.
Was that absolutely necessary?
No.
I thought you said you weren't gonna come.
And miss an opportunity like this?
You're on to something.
The load sensor, the little switcheroo.
- Come on, what have you got? - Excuse me.
Oh, really?
I'm quite glad you're here.
Is that a thank you?
- There's no money involved. - Hey, I'm not a philistine.
It doesn't have to be money.
It could be jewels, diamonds.
Rubies never hurt anybody.
It's far more valuable than any of those.
I knew it!
It's Ella.
- Ella? - She's been taken hostage.
Hardcore. What do they want?
I was meant to come alone, with this.
That's a spoon.
She's being held ransom for a spoon?
- Who are these people? - Gun-wielding psychopaths.
What was she doing in Massawa, anyway?
She was covering for me. I was wedding planning.
So, in a way, this is my fault.
"In a way"? It's all your fault.
Yeah, thank you for clarifying.
You're welcome.
You from the museum?
Yes.
You were told to come alone.
I couldn't take the Sabean spoon unless there were two of us.
- It's protocol. - Show me.
Where's my friend?
Two hours south from here. Show me.
All right, all right!
Good. Go.
Hey!
I'm not going anywhere unless he comes.
Oh!
At least buy me a mojito first.
Drive.
In back.
There are two of them.
The port security was watching, I had no choice.
- You have the spoon? - Yes, I've seen it.
What do you want me to do?
Kill them.
That way.
Where are we going?
Shortcut to highway.
Go left here.
Hooten!
- You could have said hold on! - Hold on.
Watch out!
Careful, careful!
She was our only way of getting to Ella!
It wasn't gonna happen.
They planned to kill you the minute you got off that boat.
- That's not very honourable. - What did you expect?
Right, so what do we do now?
She said it was two hours south and she was in a 4x4,
so it's probably somewhere through these mountains
and into the Ethiopian desert.
Right, right, right!
Sorry!
This thing your friend is bringing,
it's worth a lot of money, yes?
- Oh, yes. Lots of money. - As much as he says?
- Yes, absolutely. Yeah. - Amir!
I still don't get it.
Why kidnap somebody for a spoon? Why not just ask for money?
Because it's one of a kind.
I mean, literally.
Only two artefacts remain from this period: This and a bowl.
Where's the bowl?
It was in a Tewahedo monastery in Axum,
but it was reported stolen.
- By these guys? - Well, it must have been.
The two pieces may be linked.
That's something Ella was looking into.
So if they're linked, they're valuable, right?
Anything from ancient Saba is automatically valuable
because of its links to the Queen of Saba.
Saba?
You may know her as the Queen of Sheba.
The Queen of Sheba?
- I thought that was a myth. - Says who?
There's as much evidence for the Queen of Sheba
as for King Solomon,
but no-one questions his existence.
So...
What, Ella's been abducted by feminists?
The bottom line is they want the spoon.
I don't really care why. I just want to find Ella.
Hey, what are you saying?
I told you, speak English.
And you. And you.
English.
Your driver.
If she killed the British, why is she not back?
She will be here.
Yeah?
OK.
"She will be here."
There's got to be a way to do this.
They called you from Ella's cell phone.
Why can't we call her back?
I've been trying since they called me, and nothing.
- Stop! Stop! Stop the car! - What?
- Well, that wasn't on the map. - OK, this is fine.
My mother says if a day starts badly, it can only get better.
Well, amen to your hot mom.
Can you hear something?
She doesn't look very happy.
No shit.
No!
Tuck and roll! Tuck and...
Ooh.
This isn't telling me anything. We need to get moving.
Do we even know which direction we're going?
Well, the sun's headed that way, so that would be north.
Um. We gotta go south-ish.
- "Ish"? - It's not an exact science.
Nothing with you ever is.
So much for Mummy's day's getting better theory.
Now what? We have to get to Ella.
We walk.
That one didn't come with a handbrake, no?
Did Ella say anything else?
Any idea where they were... holding her?
No.
Come on, you said she was smart.
She said I should meet someone at the port, and if in trouble
I should check the reference section.
She said, "Etag nam tros in speculo."
What does that mean?
"In speculo" is Latin for mirror. The rest is nonsense.
But I did look it up, obviously, but it didn't translate.
Well, maybe you spelt it wrong.
Oh, humour me!
E...
...tag...
- Wait, hold on. - What?
We can kiss just once, otherwise I'm telling Edward.
Hooten!
"In speculo" means mirror. Write it backwards!
"Sort man..."
Sort Man Gate. What does that mean?
I hope that's a rhetorical question. Why would I know?
I'm gonna call the museum.
- Yeah? - Clive?
The shoes, Alex.
Your pin was the last on the keypad.
You can't just take things.
There is a code of practice
that every single one of us is answerable to.
- Yeah, it's Ella. - Ella's on a field study.
Yes, I know she is. She's in trouble.
Why? What happened?
I don't have time to explain now.
You have to take my word for it, OK? Please.
What do you need?
On it.
- Alex? - Just a second.
I need some of that museum money.
- Alex? - One minute. Hold on, Clive.
I want change.
Erm...
Can you look up... erm...
"Sort Man Gate"?
I need to know how to get there by jeep,
and if it has any connection to the Queen of Sheba.
Hey, fellas!
- Did you mean "Short Man Gate"? - Why? What does it say?
Short Man Gate is an Ethiopian desert monument.
Its central stone faces directly north,
while its surrounding cairns
mark distinct pathways to Ethiopia's ancient cities.
Due to its distinctly Solomonic style,
it's believed to have been built by the Queen of Sheba.
Where is it, the monument?
I need directions from Massawa.
Well, looks like a couple of hours south-east of Massawa.
Ten miles from the topmost point of the Danakil Depression.
- 144km east of Adigrat. - Yep, got it.
All right, we're good to go.
Did you get the jeep?
They wouldn't sell their family vehicle,
so I got... Pam and Tracey.
$3,000 I gave you.
Jack sold Milky White...
...for three magic beans.
He got a beanstalk.
- We could eat a beanstalk. - We could eat Tracey.
The Queen of Sheba took this exact route,
across the Red Sea to Israel.
She was searching for this great King of the East,
King Solomon, who was chosen by God.
And then she tested him with hundreds of riddles.
Before she put out?
She was interested in his mind, actually.
I hate that in a woman.
Anyway, by God's good grace,
he answered all of her riddles correctly.
And then she put out?
Then they fell madly in love.
You got any better stories?
So what is the deal with this...
large spoon?
No-one really knows, but it has ancient Hebrew measurements
carved into the handle.
What, so it's like a ruler?
No, it's like a spoon.
It's beside the point. The units could mean anything.
It's the poetic inscription that's really fascinating.
It roughly transcribes as:
"Until the day spreads and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain and heights of incense."
That's biblical.
- You know it? - Song of Songs.
"My lover thrust his hand into the latch-opening;
I opened for him and my fingers dripped with perfume."
That is... genuinely impressive.
I'm a guy who spent two and a half years in a convent.
The Song of Songs is ecclesiastical porn.
- The nights were very long. - That is depraved.
You're telling me.
Hooten, look!
Keep your head down.
See the stones? That's Short Man Gate.
I'm not liking the look of that welcoming committee.
She's in there, I know it. How do we get her out?
Where's Tracey?
- Who? - The... camel.
Oh, shit!
Tracey!
Trace, get...
Tracey!
Hold on, it's ringing.
Alex, hi.
This really is not a very good time.
Denise was expecting both of us to be here.
Ed, can I please call you back?
Shall I just cancel?
No, don't cancel. We'll never get it ready in time. Erm...
OK, shall I just pick one from the catalogue?
Go on.
Was it the, erm... Tahitian vanilla spring two-tier...
No, OK. No, it's fine. It's fine. Just put her on.
She wants to speak to you.
- Hello. - Hi, Denise.
Erm... OK, so it's the erm...
the three-tiered ivory pastillage,
erm... with the white chocolate and raspberry base.
And then I do just need, erm...
some vegan options for the top, er... tier.
Lady Lindo-Parker?
She's gone.
Sit!
Sit! Come on, sit!
I'm not done with you.
No, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Don't you get lippy with me!
My driver, where is she?
I never saw her.
There was no-one at the port when I got there.
Then how did you find us?
I didn't.
I was just in the desert. I was lost.
He found me.
I want to see my friend first.
Ah, bien.
Is that it? You said it was gold.
I said it would lead to gold.
Did I not?
The other woman will make sense of this
and she will lead us to the treasure, eh?
- We have no fuel. - We have enough.
The water is filthy. We haven't eaten in days.
He says he would give us gold, and he shows us this.
Who...
is in charge here?
Would anyone like to sit where I am sitting?
Eh? Eh?
Amir.
Take a seat.
No, boss.
Sit!
Take her to the other woman. Everyone out!
Do that again and I'll slit your throat.
Out!
Ella!
What...
What are you doing here?
It's me. It's Alex.
Oh, for Christ's sake, I know your name.
I haven't been lobotomised. Where are they?
Who?
The Marines. Ml6. Interpol. Where are they?
He told me to come alone.
But you didn't actually come alone...
...did you?
I took a call from your desk.
She said she was an archaeologist.
Which archaeologist?
I don't know. She just... She sounded Eastern European.
Five foot ten, gold teeth?
- Yes, that's her. - You are joking!
What made you think she was an archaeologist?
I don't know. I don't judge people on their dental hygiene.
What made you think you could take on a gangster
who vajazzles his own mouth?
Shut up!
She said she was studying a Sabean cosmetic bowl
she had on loan from a religious order.
And wanted the spoon for research.
So you just came out here to investigate it?
What the hell were you thinking?
Just to check that it was genuine first.
That's what you would do, isn't it?
- Well, is it genuine? - Yes. Yeah.
And they think that if you put them both together,
then it'll lead you to the lost treasure of the Queen of Sheba.
Yeah, supposedly.
There's no evidence to support that notion.
- It's a myth, at best. - But what if it isn't?
We have the only surviving relics from her entire reign.
What if it does lead to something bigger?
The final riddle from the Queen of Sheba.
I am not like these men.
Uh-uh.
I am not a thief or a gun for hire.
They are pigs...
with no loyalty
or a sense of anything greater than themselves.
I am a man of vision.
A man who sees the past...
is the architect of his own future.
Legend has it... that the great Saba
left treasure for her people in the desert.
She carved a map into the bowl and spoon
from which she was served her final meal.
You do know that's just a myth?
It's a myth to people like you...
who need to see with their own eyes before they'll believe,
because you have... no heart.
No faith in anything.
I know it is real, and that is enough.
Now...
...you will solve the final riddle of the great Saba.
If we can't?
Remind me.
It's from the Song of Songs.
"When the day spreads and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain and heights of incense."
We've got to work out why these two things relate.
What makes them inseparable?
Twist the...
Ooh!
- Hmm. - Yeah, yeah.
Bingo!
So the sun above Short Man Gate.
Yes! These represent the stones.
That's what brought them here.
OK.
If you want us to solve this,
then we need to go outside and look at the stones.
Clive said that this was the north-facing stone,
and then that these stones
corresponded to pathways to ancient cities.
But it could be something else.
Yeah.
Sundial. Stonehenge.
Yeah!
But how does it relate to this?
"Until the day spreads and the shadows flee."
That suggests summertime.
Yeah. In ancient Saba,
the summer solstice is a festival of fertility
and abundance.
We need to recreate the sunrise at the solstice.
This is Hebrew as well. "Mil, Mil."
Mil, it's a Talmudic measurement,
just short of a metric mile.
Mile. "Two miles." But in which direction?
So that is where the sun would be during the solstice.
- It'll be all right, I promise. - Yeah.
I'm sure you've seen worse.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Shut up! Amir!
What use are you?
You can't even keep a woman quiet!
Give me that!
No!
Fine! Fine, fine!
Everyone out!
Move! Move!
This is two miles. Move!
All right, Tracey...
show me what you got.
Hyah! Go, go, go, go!
Come on! Hyah! Ya!
- Where? - I don't know where.
Where is it?
You said two miles!
Up here!
Hey. You.
Deeper. Deeper.
It's here somewhere, the lost treasure of Saba.
Deeper. And you, deeper.
Why did Sheba bring us here?
You do realise they're likely to kill us if there's no treasure?
Well, there must be.
It's pretty unlikely the spoon would lead us
to this exact spot,
nothing for miles and then...
these Boswellia trees.
Boswellia.
Frankincense.
The rarest commodity of the ancient world.
- An absolute fortune. - Yeah.
Frankincense would have been refined with essential oils
in bowls just like this.
I mean, would this have been enough trees
to create Sheba's treasure?
What about hundreds?
Thousands?
There is nothing here!
Hey!
There's nothing here!
- He lied to you! - Sssh!
- There's no gold here! - Liar! Shut your mouth!
The lost treasure isn't gold,
it was frankincense that was farmed from these trees.
- Is this true? - Yeah, undoubtedly.
You could have maybe made some cash from selling off the trees,
but they've been dead now for...
Shut up!
This isn't going to end well, is it?
No.
It's gonna be quick. It's gonna be quick.
Where's the cavalry when you need it?
Whose bright idea was it to ride a camel?
May his balls rest in peace.
I'm beginning to sense a pattern here: Me saving your ass.
I was perfectly fine on my own, actually.
- Is that right? - You didn't save us.
- Your camel... - What about the other times...
They were already pointing their guns at each other, so...
- Just do it. - Do what?
Say thank you.
I'm perfectly capable
of saying thank you when it's merited.
- Merited? - Yeah.
You would have died at that port if I hadn't come.
You came because you thought there was money involved.
- There's no money involved. - Great.
All right, let's take this truck.
Oh, no, erm... There's... There's no petrol left.
Well, not enough.
We'll take the camels.
OK.
Well, I'm not going to get them.
I went last time and that got you in this mess to begin with.
You leave me on my own
to be captured by these mentalists,
and somehow that's my fault?
- Yes. - Oh, well, pardon me.
Apology accepted.
I wasn't...
She so has the hots for me.
It's unresolved sexual tension.
- Exactly. - They took her engagement ring.
Pamela! Tracey!
Tracey, don't ignore me!
Don't move.
You realise this is a girl's ring, right?
Lady Alexandra...
Diana Elizabeth...
...Sarah Jessica Lindo-Parker.
Would you do me the honour...
Is that a yes?
Come on! That's a little funny.
- She's laughing! - No, not laughing, smirking.
Important distinction.
Two camels, three people.
Well, this is cosy.
You smell so... manly.
The find was incredible, wasn't it?
I mean, the riddle was inspired.
Real intellectual sparring.
All that money and power,
and all she cared about was his mind.
That's romantic.
No wonder Solomon fell for her.
I'll talk to Ed. We don't need St Paul's.
We could get married in a...
telephone box for all I care.
With or without bloody cake.
Aw! That's sweet.
So riddles turn you on? Get this woman a Rubik's Cube!
She's filthy.
Oh, joy! Only another 100 miles to go.
- Can I drive soon? - What?
Everyone knows women can't drive.
I don't think a camel's any different.
Rude and sexist!
It's not sexist, it's an established fact.
Established by who?
- I know I read it somewhere. - Where? Nuts magazine?
- So you saw it, too? - Oh, shush.
I bet you can't park it.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll