Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Going somewhere?
Hercules!
Ulysses. Oh, you terrible American.
Why have you got me tailing you all over Moscow?
I found it.
No, you didn't.
My life's work.
I told you I'd find it...
...and I have.
But no one believes it exists.
It's not a myth, Ulysses.
It just goes to show you, you should never, ever give up.
You've seen it.
The 51 st Imperial Easter Egg. The Broken Heart.
It's the real thing. Intact. Perfect.
As if it had come straight from Carl Fabergé's hands into mine.
Where is it?
I have a contact.
Of course you do. Who is he?
You only find out the name when you get me a buyer,
and if you can't find a buyer for the Broken Heart,
you're not the man I think you are.
All right, I can find a buyer.
You trust them? Are they safe?
Yeah. I do trust them.
And they're safe.
But it's gonna take me a few days.
I can wait, as it's you.
This is where I am staying.
And I've booked you a room at the Nijinsky Hotel,
in Vinogradovo just outside Moscow.
Once you have a buyer in place,
you, and only you,
come and get me.
I was very sorry when I heard. I liked her.
A beautiful woman. A gentle, kind soul.
And your little boy, too. My God.
It was him, wasn't it?
He killed them both.
He found us.
I wasn't careful enough.
He's dead now, my friend.
Time to stop torturing yourself.
Excuse me, sir, this just came through.
I think you'll be pleased.
Leave.
The 51 st Imperial Easter Egg.
The Broken Heart.
It was him, wasn't it? He killed them both.
He killed them both.
He's dead now, my friend.
OK, so we just get in and out as quickly as possible. OK?
Absolutely.
- Hello. - Darling.
Hiya.
- Who's this? - Oh, Millie, my assistant.
Hiya. Heard so much about you.
Curious. I've heard nothing about you.
She makes notes about all my ideas and everything I say.
So that nothing important gets forgotten.
Quite marvellous, actually. Why didn't I get one before?
Roses! Roses everywhere,
And the palest pink to match the bridesmaids' dresses.
I'm not really that keen on pink for roses or for bridesmaids.
That's not what we want.
And a chamber orchestra playing Mozart and Bach.
No, we'd like a DJ.
I have a complete vision of the day. Please don't interrupt me.
It's our wedding.
Oh! Then let's discuss it.
I think it all sounds brilliant. I love it. It's great.
You see? Over-ruled.
I'm just agreeing so we can get out of here.
Alex, it's me. You need to get to Moscow now.
- I've... - No buts. Hotel Nijinksky.
Just outside the city in Vinogradovo.
What's going on?
I'm not gonna say on the phone, but, Alex, it's major,
so don't dick around, get here.
I'm so, so sorry. It's high priority. Extremely urgent.
I've got to go for museum stuff. I'm so sorry.
Run. Fly. Save yourself.
I'm sorry.
Alexandra!
Hooten knows what he's doing, he's always telling me.
Whatever's in Moscow is really important.
I'll let Clive know. Bring me back a Russian doll.
Shut Up!
Sorry, excuse me.
Sorry, um... I don't need to check in,
I just need the room of one of your guests, an American.
Here, let me.
Spasibo.
You were in the bar.
If you wanted to make friends, all you had to do was ask.
You will be making friends, American. Friends with pain.
Did that sound better in your head?
Has Mr Hooten told you what we need to know?
I don't care.
I don't want to know you.
I'm on my way.
No, no, no, no!
Mother Russia.
Whoa! Hello.
Where is Hercules Rudin?
We know he has the Fabergé egg.
Tell us where he is...
Make it... easy on yourself.
OK! OK, OK, fine.
Did you think I was getting that ice for myself?
Do I look like the kind of guy who puts ice in his drink?
It was for him. He's in my room...
...eating my pretzels, raiding my mini bar.
How's that for easy on myself?
You want to untie me?
Oh, my...
You took your time.
Admit it, you're rather impressed I tracked you down.
I came back to save you because they were definitely
gonna come back and do horrible things to you.
Or at least Valerya was.
Who?
Valerya. The one with the hair.
A friend of yours?
No. Not a friend. We studied ancient history at uni together.
She calls herself an archaeologist,
but she deals in stolen artefacts.
Is this really all you've got?
Yeah. It's a short trip.
I just brought spare knickers and socks, toothbrush, pyjamas.
It was a present from Ed, it's really warm.
Can I turn round now? I don't even know why I'm not looking,
I've already seen all of it.
It's pretty intimidating, I know. Right, let's go.
Wow. They are snug, aren't they?
Prancer and Vixen are a bit squooshed, yeah.
We're not speaking of this ever again.
Absolutely. Of course.
Just... maybe sometimes.
Probably quite often.
Right. Where are we going?
Moscow.
All right.
It's stuck.
Unstuck.
What is it, this "something major"?
It's the Broken Heart. The 51 st Fabergé egg.
- Pretty cool, huh? - Oh, my God.
It exists.
Well, no wonder Valerya is after it,
but I thought you were smart.
I am.
Hooten. It's fake.
If Hercules says it's the real thing, it's the real thing.
- Who's Hercules? - Hercules Rudin.
A Russian friend and an old thief. The finest of thieves.
Taught me everything.
Well, he's not taught you not to get scammed.
- It's not a scam. - Right, OK,
your friend Hercules the thief tells you about the Broken Heart
but you end up kidnapped and he doesn't?
There's no way those meatheads would find Hercules.
- It's a set up, it's a hoax. - No, he's a friend.
I had no idea you were such a romantic, Hooten.
You purport to be such a cynic
and here you are believing in the most ridiculous myth.
- It's not a myth. - OK, all right.
Let's use some evidence and analysis, shall we?
It's the Russian Revolution.
The Romanovs are taken hostage, they are assassinated.
Carl Fabergé, tainted by his association as family jeweller,
flees, he goes into exile, his whole workshop
and everything in it is smashed into smithereens.
Everything but the Broken Heart.
Oh!
Room service, Mr Rudin!
Ah, the lying bastard!
We go back to the American.
Everybody searched for it, Hooten, and no one found it.
That's why there are only 50 Imperial Easter Eggs,
there is no 51 st.
It's intact. And it has the surprise in it.
Is it chocolate buttons?
It's the sanguinary.
What, filled with Romanov blood? Come on! Hooten!
Have you even thought about how much this could be worth?
Yes, zero. Diddly squat, Hooten.
God, I've got so much on my plate at the moment,
with this wedding, and I drop everything
for some "Made in Taiwan" knock-off.
Sounds like a perfect excuse to me.
- What does that mean? - It means, sweetheart,
that even though you go on and on about this wedding
with 30 damn bridesmaids,
because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings,
and you're excitedly preparing the menu for guests
who are gluten or lactose intolerant
or probably just really intolerant,
you find any excuse to run away.
No, I don't.
You'd have dropped everything for a $10 snow globe.
You don't really want to get married.
But you're so far into it, you little people-pleaser,
that you haven't got the guts to say stop. So you run.
Hello, Ella.
Where's my daughter?
Don't bother, dear. Is she with that man?
What man?
That man.
No.
You're not very good at this, are you, dear?
Look, they just work together.
Well, we'll see about that.
Little froth on the mouth.
Right.
Well, I think that the best thing to do now
- is for us to just go our... - Separate ways. I understand.
Because I was brought up well,
I will drop you at the closest train station or bus stop.
I appreciate your English good manners,
but right now put your foot down.
- You gotta go faster! - This is as fast as it goes!
They are gonna run us off the road.
She wouldn't dare. You wouldn't dare, Valerya!
Lady Alexandra.
She did!
What are you doing?
Argh!
You were saying?
Alex!
Oh, Alex?
Lady Alexandra Lindo-Parker?
Come out, come out wherever you are.
You can't get away!
So why don't you save us all the energy?
Come out and... maybe I'll be kind.
Maybe not.
Great.
Sir.
But we... we're just...
I under...
I understand, sir.
Sir no longer requires the address.
I'm going back to the hotel to see if we've missed anything.
You, stay here. Find them.
You can kill her.
But the American is wanted alive.
You. Come here. Now.
When he comes, pull this branch, and let it go.
What?
When he comes, pull this branch back, and then let it go.
I'm gonna run that way.
What the... What are you doing?
Camouflage.
Argh!
Frigging antlers.
I tell you, man, this is just...
This is just horrible. Where is your dignity?
How can you have pride in yourself as a man?
You took my clothes, asshole! What should I do?
You know what?
I'm going to crisp you up like Bambi bacon...
Where is the egg?
Bambi? I'm Rudolph!
I have the red nose. I'm Rudolph, you moron!
You!
That was actually quite impressive.
Well, "actually" I just imagined it was you.
Look, you can drop me wherever you want, it's fine.
Not a chance. I'm coming with you.
I'm going to meet Hercules Rudin,
and I'm going to look at this Broken Heart
just to prove that I am right and you are wrong.
- About what? - Everything, Hooten.
I am looking forward to my wedding, I couldn't be happier,
the Broken Heart is a fake
and you are wrong... about absolutely everything.
So, has your friend actually seen this so-called Fabergé egg?
- He has a contact. - Course he does.
Just give me five minutes, I need to talk to him first.
If I don't come back, go to 236 Nikolskaya.
- No, why don't I come with you? - Five minutes.
Are you just going to leave me here?
Ulysses? Ulysses.
Argh!
Shh, no, it's OK, shh.
Hey.
Gostinitsa...
Nijinsky.
You must protect...
...uborshchitsa.
What?
Hercules...
It was him, wasn't it?
- He killed them both. - He found us.
I wasn't careful enough.
He's dead now, my friend. Time to stop torturing yourself.
He's dead now, my friend.
Time to stop torturing yourself.
I'd like this one, please.
- Five. - Five?
Sorry.
All right?
C'mon. I've got a name. We're going back to Hotel Nijinsky.
- Can't I meet your friend? - No.
- What? - Keep walking, Alex.
Ubor Shchitsa, that's the name? What does he look like?
Don't know.
He didn't tell what he looks like? Why didn't you just ask?
- This friend of yours... - She's not my friend.
- Who does she work for? - I don't know.
I'm not going to ask her. She certainly wouldn't tell me.
- Well, she's in over her head. - What is wrong with you?
Ubor Shchitsa? Ubor Shchitsa?
I don't think the General will appreciate wedding crashers.
I've seen that cleaning lady before.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Do you remember me? I helped you with your trolley.
Sorry, just one second.
We wanna go up there and drink some of their champagne,
but look at us.
We look like... shit.
All this for a bit of plastic. Aren't you going to look silly?
You can call this off any time you want.
I'm done doing the real-fake argument with you.
You want to leave, Alex, you leave.
I hope you're going to enjoy London
and everything she has to offer.
Lady Tabitha.
Clive. I have a teensy problem
and you're going to help me with it.
How can we find this man? We don't know what he looks like?
"Ubor? Ubor Shchitsa, how have you been?
Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake."
You just do that until you find him.
Something's happened.
You're not telling me something.
Not now, Alex.
Let's just do this.
Wait! Heels! Heels! Heels! Heels!
OK.
You check the wedding. Find Ubor Shchitsa.
Ubor! Ubor Shchitsa! You look brilliant!
- Nyet. - No?
Ubor Shchitsa! How long has it been?
We were at the... the... No, OK.
Alexandra.
Valerya. You look... very well.
You look like something the cat coughed up.
Right, well...
you're just rude.
Pathetic.
You have a handbag-sized crossbow. Of course you do.
You're not actually going to try and shoot me with th...
OK, fine.
You have got some serious issues!
And you've got my job.
I've got an idea.
OK, I'm still going to escape, you guys can still chase me.
But let's just do it at a leisurely pace. What do you say?
Yeah, stick to tradition.
I should be working for the British Museum.
You cheated on all of your essays.
I did proper research and I did lovely annotated footnotes!
Little Miss Perfect.
Always playing by the rules.
Always got to be the good girl in case they stop loving you
and send you back.
- That's not true. - Never mind.
It'll all be over soon.
- Coming through! - Argh!
Alex, the cops. We really don't want to be here.
Agh!
- Chto-nibud. - Nyet. Khimchistka.
Kimchistka... kimchistka...
Shh!
Grab your things.
Kimchistka.
- What about it? - I've heard that before.
It probably has something to do with all of this.
Chistka... Chistka...
Chistka.
What?
It's just something... niggling me.
It means dry cleaning.
Oh, well, that's useful. That'll help us track down our guy.
No, no, no, it's not a guy. It's not "Ubor Shchitsa".
It's Uborshchitsa. It means "cleaning lady".
That's who Hercules was talking about. She's his contact.
Uborshchitsa. The hotel gave us your address.
Finally.
I was starting to feel sorry for you.
But Hercules told me to wait until he was sure it was safe.
If you knew it was us, why didn't you stay at the hotel?
My shift was over. I see enough of that place.
How do you have this?
My great-grandfather
was one of those who smashed Fabergé's workshop.
But he liked shiny things. He took it.
Hid it. He would have been killed for it.
Our family secret for nearly 100 years.
Passed on to the children.
"Don't tell, don't tell."
"You will die if you tell."
But I have no children to pass it to. And I am sick of secrets.
Oh, my.
This can't be their blood.
Why not?
They prick their finger and all squeeze one drop.
Together for eternity.
The Tsar, his wife, the little princes and princesses.
Perhaps they knew the end was coming.
Stalin couldn't find this.
He turned the entire country upside down.
Nor could the KGB find it, nor could the Mafia.
How did Mr Rudin?
He also likes shiny things.
He followed the revolutionary with a weakness for beauty.
And found me.
Is Hercules on his way?
He's dead.
He was killed for this?
Yes.
Ah.
I'm so, so, sorry.
I will have to take this back to the museum
just so that we can analyse it,
but I promise you we will pay you.
I don't want paying.
It is a curse. Take it.
Put it in a vault. Smash it to pieces. I don't care any more.
He's dead.
Take it.
Why didn't you tell me?
He didn't give your name. Nobody will come looking for you.
Hercules promised to protect me.
Was it a bad death?
It was quick.
Liar.
I still can't believe she just gave that to us.
What this means for the museum.
Hooten?
Hoot?
No, no, no, no, no! Hooten! Hooten!
Why did you just do that?
A man was murdered for that.
If you take it, then the person that wants it
will come after you, too, and he won't stop.
You and everyone you love will be in danger.
I have never heard so much crap in all my life!
Have you completely lost your mind?
He won't stop till everything, everyone you love is destroyed.
I know this!
And now, no one can have it.
I just saved your life. Get in your car and go home.
Just go home, Alex.
- Hi. - Alex.
Hey. How's Russia?
Er...it's fine...
Clive. I'm coming home.
And what are you bringing back?
Nothing, I'm afraid.
I see.
Well, just as an FYI...
You're desk-bound from... now on.
What?
You can't just do that.
Yes, I can. I'm your boss, in case you hadn't noticed.
I want the old Alex back. So I'm clipping your wings.
You're clipping my wings?
Who do you think you are, exactly?
And don't talk to me about the old Alex,
because you have no idea who I am.
- Are you drunk? - No.
I'm just sick of being the good girl.
Alex?
Well, that didn't go as planned, did it?
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll