1
00:00:28,357 --> 00:00:30,497
Synchro: mpm
2
00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:38,037
Okay, Debs, check out
that couple over there.
3
00:00:41,112 --> 00:00:42,742
Wait, that wasn't me!
4
00:00:42,867 --> 00:00:44,167
I would never...
5
00:00:47,409 --> 00:00:48,856
{pos(192,220)}How great is this thing?
6
00:00:48,981 --> 00:00:50,854
{pos(192,190)}It throws farts up
to a hundred yards!
7
00:00:50,979 --> 00:00:53,067
{pos(192,190)}Well, if it makes you happy.
8
00:00:53,192 --> 00:00:54,094
{pos(192,220)}So happy.
9
00:00:54,219 --> 00:00:57,327
{pos(192,190)}It has a two-gig fart library
that analyzes your laughter
10
00:00:57,452 --> 00:01:00,330
{pos(192,190)}and recommends farts based
on your comedic sensibility.
11
00:01:00,455 --> 00:01:01,655
{pos(192,220)}You enjoyed...
12
00:01:02,642 --> 00:01:04,019
Perhaps you'll enjoy...
13
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:05,942
{pos(192,220)}Oh, that is nice!
14
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:07,395
{pos(192,220)}- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Snot.
15
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,694
{pos(192,220)}You know Etan,
my bar mitzvah study buddy.
16
00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:12,334
Okay, Bubbie Judy, I'm just coming
to the end of the stairs now.
17
00:01:12,459 --> 00:01:14,068
The motor stairs.
That's right.
18
00:01:14,193 --> 00:01:17,123
I'm almost at the bottom, so I got to
get off, okay? I got to keep going.
19
00:01:17,248 --> 00:01:18,911
I know. I love you, too.
I have to go.
20
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,369
{pos(192,220)}Bye, Bubbie Judy.
21
00:01:20,494 --> 00:01:22,011
{pos(192,220)}That was my grandmother.
22
00:01:22,136 --> 00:01:25,485
{pos(192,220)}I call her every day, not because
I have to, because I want to.
23
00:01:25,610 --> 00:01:26,807
{pos(192,190)}You should too.
24
00:01:26,932 --> 00:01:28,382
{pos(260,245)}Shaloms all around.
25
00:01:28,793 --> 00:01:31,665
{pos(192,220)}And, Debbie, a super shalom to you.
26
00:01:31,790 --> 00:01:34,185
{pos(192,220)}I didn't see you at temple
this year for Yom Kippur.
27
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:36,530
{pos(192,220)}You missed
some off-the hizzy atonements.
28
00:01:36,655 --> 00:01:37,716
{pos(192,220)}You were busy?
29
00:01:37,841 --> 00:01:41,017
{pos(192,220)}Actually, I've sort of moved away
from traditional religion.
30
00:01:42,328 --> 00:01:43,930
{pos(192,220)}Then might I suggest you check out
31
00:01:44,055 --> 00:01:46,796
{pos(192,220)}the Jewish mystical
tradition of Kabbalah?
32
00:01:47,003 --> 00:01:48,399
{pos(192,220)}It's your Judaism...
33
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,259
after dark.
34
00:01:50,883 --> 00:01:53,483
{pos(192,190)}I didn't know you were
so spiritual, Etan.
35
00:01:53,629 --> 00:01:55,250
{pos(192,190)}Hey, I'm spiritual, too!
36
00:01:55,375 --> 00:01:57,185
{pos(192,220)}I'm terrified of ghosts.
37
00:01:57,310 --> 00:01:59,774
{pos(192,220)}Well, I got to go shave.
It's been a couple of days.
38
00:01:59,899 --> 00:02:01,843
But I'll catch you later, nerds.
39
00:02:02,741 --> 00:02:05,571
I like my women
like I like my dreidels:
40
00:02:05,923 --> 00:02:07,050
bottom-heavy.
41
00:02:07,175 --> 00:02:09,043
I'll be blunt:
I'm coming on to you, Deborah.
42
00:02:09,168 --> 00:02:10,975
It's true.
This is what's happening.
43
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,444
The matzoh ball's in your court.
44
00:02:15,756 --> 00:02:16,756
He's so...
45
00:02:17,464 --> 00:02:18,340
mature.
46
00:02:18,465 --> 00:02:19,465
I'm mature.
47
00:02:19,590 --> 00:02:20,708
You enjoyed...
48
00:02:21,623 --> 00:02:23,273
Perhaps you'll enjoy...
49
00:02:24,575 --> 00:02:27,229
He's right. I did enjoy that.
Very much so.
50
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,840
Has anyone seen my cell phone?
51
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:38,699
Why don't you call yourself from
the land line and listen for the ring?
52
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,555
Because it's still on vibrate
from the movies last night.
53
00:02:41,734 --> 00:02:45,372
Why did I take consideration
for others into account? Why?!
54
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,367
Yes! Found it!
55
00:02:48,492 --> 00:02:50,101
Wait, this isn't my phone.
56
00:02:50,226 --> 00:02:51,504
It's not even real.
57
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,781
It's my phone, and it's full of jelly
beans, and they are my jelly beans.
58
00:02:56,136 --> 00:02:58,469
It's a green jelly bean.
I'm not gonna take this.
59
00:02:58,716 --> 00:03:00,679
Damn it!
I'll never find my phone.
60
00:03:00,896 --> 00:03:02,756
You know, they should invent a way
61
00:03:02,881 --> 00:03:05,717
so that if you lose your cell phone
on vibrate mode
62
00:03:05,842 --> 00:03:09,146
you can call it, enter a code,
and the phone rings.
63
00:03:09,569 --> 00:03:12,483
That... is a great idea.
64
00:03:12,927 --> 00:03:15,330
That's a million-dollar idea,
and we're gonna sell it!
65
00:03:15,455 --> 00:03:18,338
What? You're having a laugh at me.
66
00:03:18,463 --> 00:03:21,663
Francine, you know I only laugh
at Two and a Half Men.
67
00:03:23,081 --> 00:03:26,670
Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores,
then has breakfast with a fat child.
68
00:03:26,795 --> 00:03:28,290
It's funny just talking about it.
69
00:03:31,270 --> 00:03:33,879
Well, Snot, that is
the superball conundrum.
70
00:03:34,004 --> 00:03:37,523
We want them to bounce higher
and higher, but we risk losing them.
71
00:03:37,952 --> 00:03:39,426
What in the world is this?
72
00:03:43,704 --> 00:03:44,549
Cool!
73
00:03:44,674 --> 00:03:47,374
High-tech invitations
to Etan's bar mitzvah!
74
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,537
He's rented out
the fanciest ballroom in town.
75
00:03:50,662 --> 00:03:52,422
Dang! For my bar mitzvah,
76
00:03:52,547 --> 00:03:56,293
I have to get to the park by dawn
to get the picnic table by the swings.
77
00:03:56,418 --> 00:04:00,022
It's the only one that doesn't have
a swastika or a boner carved in it.
78
00:04:00,147 --> 00:04:02,116
Wait. Where'smyinvitation?
79
00:04:04,079 --> 00:04:05,702
Etan's talking to Debbie.
80
00:04:05,827 --> 00:04:08,011
I wonder if he's inviting us
as a couple.
81
00:04:08,136 --> 00:04:11,236
No need to wonder, Steve,
I just loaded up my question gun.
82
00:04:11,361 --> 00:04:12,918
Time to go answer-hunting.
83
00:04:13,564 --> 00:04:15,338
Hey, Etan, just making sure that...
84
00:04:15,767 --> 00:04:17,325
Excuse me a moment.
85
00:04:21,224 --> 00:04:23,921
Good stuff, good stuff.
Now, where was I?
86
00:04:24,404 --> 00:04:26,293
Etan, can you give us a minute?
87
00:04:26,418 --> 00:04:29,540
Sure. I got to go set up
my gift registry anyway.
88
00:04:29,665 --> 00:04:33,328
I'm registering at Neiman Marcus...
or should I say, Needless Markup.
89
00:04:37,540 --> 00:04:38,937
That's high-brow.
90
00:04:40,085 --> 00:04:41,972
Steve, I'm sorry, but...
91
00:04:42,329 --> 00:04:46,324
well, Etan asked me to be his date
to his bar mitzvah, and I said yes.
92
00:04:46,626 --> 00:04:49,570
What?! You're dumping me
for that snobby rich kid?
93
00:04:49,695 --> 00:04:51,627
Steve, I don't care that he's rich.
94
00:04:51,752 --> 00:04:53,438
I care that he's mature.
95
00:04:53,563 --> 00:04:55,563
I'm sorry, but I need a man...
96
00:04:56,058 --> 00:04:57,058
not a boy.
97
00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:58,972
A boy?
98
00:04:59,179 --> 00:05:01,925
Could a boy produce tears this big?
99
00:05:06,371 --> 00:05:08,717
She thinks Etan's
more of a man than me.
100
00:05:09,929 --> 00:05:13,218
You know what I think? I think
a man doesn't sit around pouting.
101
00:05:13,343 --> 00:05:15,214
A man doesn't get sad, Steve.
102
00:05:15,339 --> 00:05:17,081
- A man gets...
- Even!
103
00:05:17,238 --> 00:05:19,362
I was gonna say
a chocolate lab puppy.
104
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:21,330
I'm already sick of it.
Can you walk it?
105
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:23,452
There's no reason
you can't walk it and get even.
106
00:05:23,577 --> 00:05:24,803
Wait, I know.
107
00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:28,069
Etan cares about his bar mitzvah
more than anything, right?
108
00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:30,128
And what do kids get
for bar mitzvahs?
109
00:05:30,341 --> 00:05:32,072
Gifts, and lots of 'em.
110
00:05:32,437 --> 00:05:33,531
Say no more!
111
00:05:34,624 --> 00:05:38,118
Okay, say more. I don't... I actually
don't know where this is going.
112
00:05:38,243 --> 00:05:42,422
Etan took what was precious to me, so
I'm gonna take what's precious to him.
113
00:05:42,547 --> 00:05:46,360
That's right: I'm gonna rob
Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah!
114
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,658
{TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
PLEASE HANG AROUND!}
115
00:05:57,916 --> 00:06:00,185
Etan took what was precious to me,
116
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:03,752
so now I'm going to take
what's precious... to him.
117
00:06:08,623 --> 00:06:12,442
Are you going to achieve that
by robbing...
118
00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:16,421
- Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah.
- Okay, we got it.
119
00:06:18,117 --> 00:06:19,986
Great job, everyone, great job.
120
00:06:20,111 --> 00:06:23,511
I just get paid the most by far,
but you all make it work.
121
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:31,606
All right, Roger,
I finished my research
122
00:06:31,731 --> 00:06:34,792
and devised the perfect plan to rob
Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah.
123
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:38,499
And once Debbie sees him freak out
over losing his precious gifts,
124
00:06:38,624 --> 00:06:40,711
she'll realize
that he'sthe little boy.
125
00:06:40,836 --> 00:06:43,833
She'll be so turned off,
she'll come running back to me.
126
00:06:43,958 --> 00:06:46,703
The fat one? You're still trying
to win back the fat one?
127
00:06:46,828 --> 00:06:49,561
Right. Now, I analyzed
blueprints of the ballroom
128
00:06:49,686 --> 00:06:53,954
and watched every heist movie from
the Apple Dumpling Gang to Oceans 12.
129
00:06:54,378 --> 00:06:57,308
I know. Don't even get me started
on the whole Julia-Roberts-
130
00:06:57,433 --> 00:06:58,868
playing-Julia-Roberts thing.
131
00:06:58,993 --> 00:07:01,118
It wasn't even a little wink
to the audience.
132
00:07:01,243 --> 00:07:03,553
- It was a huge plot point.
- I know!
133
00:07:03,737 --> 00:07:05,796
Anyway, the planning stage is over.
134
00:07:06,084 --> 00:07:08,417
- Time to assemble my crew.
- I'm in.
135
00:07:08,542 --> 00:07:12,119
Sorry, but my plan requires
a crack squad of professionals,
136
00:07:12,244 --> 00:07:14,034
starting with a getaway driver.
137
00:07:14,159 --> 00:07:16,340
A wheelman?
I know the perfect guy:
138
00:07:16,465 --> 00:07:17,865
Lucius Mayweather.
139
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:21,148
He hustles eight-ball out of a bar
in East Langley.
140
00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:27,905
Are you Lucius Mayweather?
141
00:07:28,218 --> 00:07:30,491
- Who wants to know?
- Roger? What the hell?
142
00:07:31,128 --> 00:07:33,059
Roger? No, Lucius.
143
00:07:33,439 --> 00:07:36,288
You must be the white boy
looking for a wheelman. I'm in.
144
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,762
For God's sakes,
I'm assembling my own crew.
145
00:07:39,495 --> 00:07:42,412
That cracker's got a crack in his head,
if you ask me.
146
00:07:46,168 --> 00:07:47,718
You hustling me, boy?
147
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,959
In order for my plan to work,
148
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,214
I need the world's greatest
computer hacker,
149
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,140
the world's best demolitions expert,
150
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,683
and the world's most flexible
contortionist.
151
00:07:56,967 --> 00:07:59,519
Unfortunately, I wouldn't know
how to begin to get a hold of them.
152
00:07:59,774 --> 00:08:01,207
Which leaves me with you 3.
153
00:08:01,332 --> 00:08:03,732
Barry, Toshi,
you know my Uncle Roger.
154
00:08:04,163 --> 00:08:06,610
{Yes, the alien in a wig}
155
00:08:06,859 --> 00:08:10,130
- Yeah, on my mom's side.
- Wait, why isn't Snot here?
156
00:08:10,255 --> 00:08:12,699
Snot's too close to Etan.
He'd never betray him.
157
00:08:12,964 --> 00:08:14,217
But don't worry,
158
00:08:14,342 --> 00:08:17,371
Snot will have a role to play
before this is over.
159
00:08:19,088 --> 00:08:20,958
Okay, this is the layout
of the ballroom.
160
00:08:21,237 --> 00:08:23,627
And this is where
Etan's gift table will be.
161
00:08:23,796 --> 00:08:26,047
Roger, your job will be to tell Etan
162
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,915
that someone's trying
to steal his gifts.
163
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,940
- That's crazy!
- Trust me,
164
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:33,303
Trust me, this plan has more twists
and turns than Lombard Street.
165
00:08:35,402 --> 00:08:37,273
You know, from San Francisco?
166
00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:41,687
Yeah, I been there.
167
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,013
Now, Roger, you'll be posing
as a waiter.
168
00:08:44,138 --> 00:08:46,260
A waiter? Cliché!
169
00:08:46,385 --> 00:08:49,736
No, I'll be Ernest Shlumpel,
Etan's long-lost great uncle.
170
00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:52,910
When the Nazis annexed
Alsace-Lorraine in 1940,
171
00:08:53,035 --> 00:08:55,837
Ernest fled to Mykonos
where he invented a kosher lubricant
172
00:08:55,962 --> 00:08:58,580
- that tastes like whitefish salad...
- You're playing a waiter.
173
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,548
But I've been developing
my Alsace-Lorraine Mykonos accent.
174
00:09:01,673 --> 00:09:03,922
- You're not doing an accent.
- Oh, yeah?
175
00:09:07,017 --> 00:09:08,922
You son of a bitch,
you know I'm not a fighter.
176
00:09:12,096 --> 00:09:13,905
- What are you doing?
- Practicing stirring.
177
00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:16,228
Well, you better start practicing
your cell phone pitch,
178
00:09:16,353 --> 00:09:19,370
because next week we have
a meeting with Global Mobile!
179
00:09:19,495 --> 00:09:21,017
My God, it's happening.
180
00:09:21,142 --> 00:09:23,812
- It's really happening!
- It's happening, all right.
181
00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:26,198
Unlike that catchphrase
I tried to start.
182
00:09:26,508 --> 00:09:28,238
"Nuh-uh to your uh-huh!"
183
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,053
I'm a fan.
184
00:09:35,861 --> 00:09:38,911
Ladies and gentlemen, goys and girls,
Etan Cohen welcomes you to...
185
00:09:41,689 --> 00:09:42,689
Maturity!
186
00:09:50,744 --> 00:09:53,094
Welcome!
Drop your gifts on the gift table
187
00:09:53,219 --> 00:09:54,966
and your pants on the dance floor.
188
00:09:55,091 --> 00:09:57,040
I'm talking to you, Aunt Rose.
189
00:09:57,493 --> 00:09:58,764
Have fun, everyone!
190
00:10:03,330 --> 00:10:06,647
- Steve, what are you doing here?
- I'm Barry's "plus one".
191
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,341
Mazel tov, Etan.
192
00:10:08,466 --> 00:10:09,652
Thanks, Bubbie Judy.
193
00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,985
So glad you could make it.
Special day for us all.
194
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:15,144
Stick around,
I'm happy to share a little bit of...
195
00:10:15,269 --> 00:10:16,391
maturity with you.
196
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:19,125
Come on, Barry.
Let's go drop off your gift.
197
00:10:21,658 --> 00:10:24,005
This is gonna put
my bar mitzvah to shame.
198
00:10:24,130 --> 00:10:26,191
The only decorations I have
are the police tape
199
00:10:26,316 --> 00:10:28,134
left over from my uncle's murder.
200
00:10:35,062 --> 00:10:36,133
Hello, Debbie.
201
00:10:36,421 --> 00:10:37,671
Shall we dance?
202
00:10:38,107 --> 00:10:39,807
I don't think so, Steve.
203
00:10:40,416 --> 00:10:42,364
Come on. Old times?
204
00:10:52,714 --> 00:10:54,206
I didn't know you danced.
205
00:10:54,331 --> 00:10:56,888
I do a lot of things now.
Adult things.
206
00:10:57,013 --> 00:10:58,959
Gave myself a prostate exam
this morning
207
00:10:59,084 --> 00:11:01,256
right after I drank a big cup of coffee.
208
00:11:01,381 --> 00:11:03,036
Next time I'll reverse the order.
209
00:11:10,005 --> 00:11:11,879
Thanks, Uncle Howie.
210
00:11:13,311 --> 00:11:15,580
Excuse me, sir,
but when I was in the bathroom
211
00:11:15,705 --> 00:11:18,572
I overheard a boy saying
he was gonna steal your gifts.
212
00:11:18,941 --> 00:11:20,864
- What?! Who?
- I couldn't see.
213
00:11:20,989 --> 00:11:23,537
I pee sitting down
because of my joints.
214
00:11:29,937 --> 00:11:35,115
If I was gonna steal my gifts,
how could I possibly do it?
215
00:11:39,302 --> 00:11:41,319
You're only spelling "A" and "C."
216
00:11:41,444 --> 00:11:44,594
I'm signaling the DJ to play
more adult contemporary.
217
00:11:54,993 --> 00:11:59,641
Up, looks like we got a request
for some adult contemporary!
218
00:12:11,661 --> 00:12:12,997
Why is it so hot?
219
00:12:13,142 --> 00:12:16,574
Etan, you've been standing here staring
at your presents the whole party.
220
00:12:16,699 --> 00:12:19,883
- Come and dance.
- No, someone is trying to steal them.
221
00:12:20,008 --> 00:12:22,880
What?
Come on. It's the chair dance.
222
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:27,110
Fine.
223
00:12:51,059 --> 00:12:52,017
The vent!
224
00:12:52,142 --> 00:12:53,974
That's how they're going
to steal them!
225
00:12:55,861 --> 00:12:57,651
It's happening!
It's happening!
226
00:12:57,917 --> 00:12:59,046
Let me down!
227
00:12:59,306 --> 00:13:01,194
They're stealing my presents!
228
00:13:01,319 --> 00:13:03,526
They're stealing my presents!
229
00:13:09,993 --> 00:13:11,446
See, thanks to Roger,
230
00:13:11,571 --> 00:13:14,626
Etan will think someone's trying
to steal the gifts on the cart.
231
00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:16,729
But that's just a misdirection.
232
00:13:16,854 --> 00:13:19,548
The real gifts we're after
are the ones in his jacket.
233
00:13:20,034 --> 00:13:21,907
Scams make me so horny.
234
00:13:22,783 --> 00:13:26,887
All party long Etan's relatives
will be handing him bar mitzvah cards,
235
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,107
each filled with cash, checks,
236
00:13:29,232 --> 00:13:31,976
and written sentiments
that have no monetary worth,
237
00:13:32,101 --> 00:13:33,603
but are emotionally valuable.
238
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,021
What's gotten into you?
239
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:37,315
No one is trying to steal your gifts.
240
00:13:39,506 --> 00:13:40,878
Oh, God.
Sorry, Snot.
241
00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:43,748
Steve, I have to wear this
to my bar mitzvah!
242
00:13:43,873 --> 00:13:47,032
Okay, okay, then we'll get it
to the cleaners right away.
243
00:13:47,157 --> 00:13:49,828
Have the valet pull our bikes around.
I'll be out in a second.
244
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:55,865
Attention, I'm no longer accepting
request for Brick House.
245
00:13:56,752 --> 00:13:57,836
What the...?
246
00:13:59,784 --> 00:14:00,784
Stop him!
247
00:14:00,909 --> 00:14:02,435
Stop Steve Smith!
248
00:14:03,405 --> 00:14:05,150
Etan, what are you doing?
249
00:14:05,275 --> 00:14:08,075
Your old boyfriend stole
my bar mitzvah money.
250
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:08,972
What?
251
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,849
The presents were just a clever ruse.
252
00:14:11,197 --> 00:14:13,729
He was after the money the whole time.
253
00:14:17,270 --> 00:14:20,382
This is a card saying that Steve Smith
has paid for a tree
254
00:14:20,507 --> 00:14:22,736
to be planted in Israel
in your name.
255
00:14:27,816 --> 00:14:30,076
What no one will know
is that Etan's money
256
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,533
will already have left the ballroom,
257
00:14:34,411 --> 00:14:36,767
on someone who doesn't
even realize it.
258
00:14:37,278 --> 00:14:40,767
And I'll sneak the money off Snot
before he ever knows.
259
00:14:41,468 --> 00:14:43,556
It's the perfect plan.
260
00:14:43,992 --> 00:14:45,550
Good, Steve, you're still here.
261
00:14:45,803 --> 00:14:48,386
That is, unless Snot returns for some
reason and blows the whole thing.
262
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:52,933
Hey, am I crazy, or does this stain
look like El Vez, the Mexican Elvis?
263
00:14:53,263 --> 00:14:54,199
The cards!
264
00:14:54,324 --> 00:14:55,393
He stole them!
265
00:14:57,250 --> 00:14:58,191
Of course!
266
00:14:58,316 --> 00:15:01,481
You couldn't stand that my bar mitzvah
is a million times more awesome
267
00:15:01,606 --> 00:15:05,180
than your crummy one's going to be,
so you tried to ruin it!
268
00:15:06,008 --> 00:15:09,392
And what Steve won't know
is that I have my own plan.
269
00:15:09,646 --> 00:15:11,672
While everyone's focused on Snot,
270
00:15:11,797 --> 00:15:14,865
I'll be heading to the bathroom
to share a doobie with the busboy
271
00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:17,913
in exchange for an angry handy jay.
272
00:15:23,528 --> 00:15:26,273
Everyone thinks Snot
stole Etan's money.
273
00:15:26,398 --> 00:15:27,884
We have to come clean.
274
00:15:28,081 --> 00:15:29,981
We can't. We're in too deep.
275
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:31,429
Here he comes.
276
00:15:33,385 --> 00:15:35,007
Stealing from a bar mitzvah?!
277
00:15:35,132 --> 00:15:36,482
Toats inappropes!
278
00:15:37,265 --> 00:15:39,471
That's for robbing
Etan's bar mitzvah.
279
00:15:39,596 --> 00:15:41,122
But you're skinheads.
280
00:15:41,247 --> 00:15:42,307
You hate Jews.
281
00:15:42,432 --> 00:15:45,927
What?
No, we're the Lex Luthor fan club.
282
00:15:46,052 --> 00:15:47,652
They're the skinheads.
283
00:15:49,921 --> 00:15:53,910
I still don't understand
how Etan's cards got in my jacket.
284
00:15:54,509 --> 00:15:56,846
It's a mystery, all right.
Don't worry, pal.
285
00:15:56,971 --> 00:15:59,583
Let's look to the future.
How's your bar mitzvah coming?
286
00:15:59,752 --> 00:16:02,085
He's not going to have
a bar mitzvah.
287
00:16:03,138 --> 00:16:07,106
Because I'm taking him
before the Beth Din!
288
00:16:07,378 --> 00:16:10,335
- Beth Din, I don't know what that is.
- Yeah, I may have gasped too soon.
289
00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:11,720
I know I gasped too soon.
290
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:13,430
Beth Din? What's that?
291
00:16:13,758 --> 00:16:16,763
The Beth Din is a council of 3 Jewish
elders from a temple
292
00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:18,874
which rules on matters of justice.
293
00:16:18,999 --> 00:16:22,799
Yours really is a rich and fascinating
tradition which we despise.
294
00:16:23,305 --> 00:16:25,183
Once the Beth Din hears what you did,
295
00:16:25,308 --> 00:16:27,915
not only will they kick you out
of our temple,
296
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,544
no other temple will take you.
297
00:16:30,669 --> 00:16:32,378
You'll never be bar mitzvahed,
298
00:16:32,503 --> 00:16:36,383
doomed to walk the Earth
for the rest of your days as a child.
299
00:16:37,477 --> 00:16:39,789
The rest of my days as a child.
300
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,865
{you think that's bad...}
301
00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:44,533
{I have to spend the rest of my days}
302
00:16:44,658 --> 00:16:46,838
{haunted by a 12th Century
Shogun Warrior.}
303
00:16:47,915 --> 00:16:50,718
{You know they can't understand you.}
304
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,756
{Indeed Minamoto}
305
00:16:52,881 --> 00:16:55,474
{ oday's clam chowder
is quite delicious.}
306
00:17:00,115 --> 00:17:02,681
How'd the pitch go?
They didn't buy it, huh?
307
00:17:02,806 --> 00:17:05,481
- We never made it there.
- What?!
308
00:17:05,675 --> 00:17:07,861
I must have written down
the wrong address.
309
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,669
We ended up
at an abandoned warehouse,
310
00:17:09,794 --> 00:17:12,146
where some thugs took my wallet
and then held your mother down
311
00:17:12,271 --> 00:17:14,224
and made her watch
while they kissed my neck.
312
00:17:14,349 --> 00:17:17,095
- I'm sorry. I can't do this.
- Just say your line.
313
00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:19,467
No, forget it.
My story makes no sense!
314
00:17:19,592 --> 00:17:23,458
We have a cell phone idea, but we never
get to pitch it because we get lost.
315
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:26,765
You know what? If someone wants
to explain this garbage to me,
316
00:17:26,890 --> 00:17:28,964
I'll be in my trailer using
this script to wipe my...
317
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:33,000
{TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
PLEASE STAND BY!}
318
00:17:39,097 --> 00:17:41,977
Now Snot may never get
bar mitzvahed and it's my fault.
319
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:45,188
All because you refused
to do the heist my way.
320
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:47,857
How would you doing a goofy accent
have changed anything?
321
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,669
We'll never know now, will we?
322
00:17:49,794 --> 00:17:51,851
There's only one way
to save Snot's manhood.
323
00:17:51,976 --> 00:17:54,176
I have to tell everyone the truth.
324
00:17:54,392 --> 00:17:56,236
Debbie, what a surprise.
325
00:17:56,595 --> 00:17:58,778
- So, how's it going?
- Not so good.
326
00:17:58,903 --> 00:18:00,232
I'm pretty hungry.
327
00:18:00,844 --> 00:18:02,205
And I broke up with Etan.
328
00:18:02,459 --> 00:18:03,540
You did?
329
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:05,188
What Snot did was unforgivable,
330
00:18:05,313 --> 00:18:08,211
but Etan's behavior proved
he's not a man at all.
331
00:18:08,452 --> 00:18:10,197
Three large pizzas with everything.
332
00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:11,483
That's for me.
333
00:18:11,608 --> 00:18:13,485
But let's hang out sometime.
334
00:18:15,545 --> 00:18:17,426
There was supposed to be
a calzone with this.
335
00:18:17,551 --> 00:18:20,243
- Did you hear that, Roger?
- How Debbie didn't say "hi" to me?
336
00:18:20,368 --> 00:18:22,851
- No, I didn't.
- My plan is actually working!
337
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:25,112
I think she might wanna
get back together!
338
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:28,667
Oh, but she won't if she knows
I'm the one who tried to rob Etan.
339
00:18:28,792 --> 00:18:30,692
So, now I can't tell the truth
to help Snot.
340
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,318
Look, if you wanna save Snot,
341
00:18:32,443 --> 00:18:35,531
the Beth Din has to be convinced
he deserves another chance.
342
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,408
You need to find an expert
on Jewish law to defend him.
343
00:18:38,587 --> 00:18:40,990
Where am I going to find
an expert on Jewish law?
344
00:18:41,867 --> 00:18:43,540
You really have to ask me that?
345
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:46,249
Hershel Hershbaum for the defense!
346
00:18:47,928 --> 00:18:50,257
Don't you worry, kid.
I'll win this for ya.
347
00:18:50,382 --> 00:18:52,380
We'll get your foreskin cut off,
all right.
348
00:18:52,505 --> 00:18:53,341
What?!
349
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,801
This council will come to order.
350
00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:58,036
The accuser will state his case.
351
00:18:58,262 --> 00:18:59,362
Your honors,
352
00:18:59,578 --> 00:19:04,484
our noble tribe has spent millennia
devising a formidable code of ethics.
353
00:19:04,859 --> 00:19:08,569
Snot spit on that code
when he tried to steal from me.
354
00:19:08,854 --> 00:19:11,201
I demand his expulsion
from this temple
355
00:19:11,326 --> 00:19:15,320
and that you strip him of his upcoming
bar mitzvah ceremony. Thank you.
356
00:19:15,657 --> 00:19:18,323
Very well, does the defense
have a rebuttal?
357
00:19:20,835 --> 00:19:22,935
"Ethics" he wants to talk about.
358
00:19:23,645 --> 00:19:27,029
Jewish history is a history
of unethical conduct.
359
00:19:27,512 --> 00:19:31,753
1st, the Pharisees killed Jesus Christ,
the only true son of God.
360
00:19:32,877 --> 00:19:36,373
And isn't it true that the Jews
put a "secret sauce"
361
00:19:36,498 --> 00:19:39,743
on their Reubens that is actually
just Thousand Island?!
362
00:19:39,868 --> 00:19:41,863
And who shot Gianni Versace?
363
00:19:41,988 --> 00:19:43,048
Was it a Jew?
364
00:19:43,173 --> 00:19:45,141
I don't know.
It was in Miami.
365
00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:48,169
All right, enough of this mishigas!
366
00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:51,278
Snot, you are hereby banished
from this temple
367
00:19:51,622 --> 00:19:53,591
and will never be bar mitzvahed.
368
00:19:55,257 --> 00:19:56,124
My bill.
369
00:19:56,249 --> 00:19:59,757
Just so you're not shocked when you open
it, this big hat was a lot.
370
00:20:00,587 --> 00:20:01,817
I'm doomed!
371
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:04,482
Wait!
372
00:20:05,293 --> 00:20:08,388
Snot had nothing to do
with stealing Etan's gifts.
373
00:20:08,771 --> 00:20:09,822
It was me.
374
00:20:10,091 --> 00:20:11,692
- I did it.
- What?
375
00:20:11,817 --> 00:20:13,562
Snot knew nothing about it.
376
00:20:13,687 --> 00:20:15,505
I planted those envelopes on him.
377
00:20:15,809 --> 00:20:18,675
I did it to get back at Etan
for stealing my girlfriend.
378
00:20:19,732 --> 00:20:20,844
I'm not surprised.
379
00:20:21,162 --> 00:20:23,304
Steve, how could you?
380
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,346
If that is the case, young man,
381
00:20:25,471 --> 00:20:28,756
then Snot may indeed have
his bar mitzvah ceremony.
382
00:20:30,036 --> 00:20:31,186
Debbie, wait!
383
00:20:32,035 --> 00:20:34,916
- Snot, I'm sorry.
- Sorry doesn't cut it, Steve!
384
00:20:35,041 --> 00:20:38,613
Look, I already lost my girlfriend.
I can't lose my best friend.
385
00:20:38,807 --> 00:20:40,395
I promise I'll make it up to you.
386
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,820
How could you ever make it up to me?
387
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,690
Steve, this is amazing!
388
00:20:50,815 --> 00:20:52,554
But how could you
afford all of this?
389
00:20:52,679 --> 00:20:54,933
I had a garage sale
and sold all my toys.
390
00:20:55,058 --> 00:20:57,108
A guy's gotta grow up sometime.
391
00:21:00,590 --> 00:21:02,858
Hello, Snot, I'm Ernest Shlumpel,
392
00:21:02,983 --> 00:21:06,848
your long-lost relative from
Alsace-Lorraine by way of Mykonos.
393
00:21:10,208 --> 00:21:11,906
Wait. How'd I get here?
394
00:21:12,031 --> 00:21:13,771
I think I'm cracked in the head.