1 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,098 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 2 00:00:07,207 --> 00:00:10,938 ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 3 00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:14,172 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 4 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:18,444 ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ 5 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:24,016 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 6 00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:27,252 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [Grunts] 7 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,926 [Chorus] * Good morning, U.S.A. * 8 00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:39,028 Okay, Debs, check out that couple over there. 9 00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:44,733 - [Fart] - Wait. Th-That wasn't me! I would never- 10 00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:48,109 - [Farting] - [Crowd Laughing] 11 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:51,877 How great is this thing? It throws farts up to a hundred yards. 12 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:55,284 - Well, if it makes you happy. - So happy. 13 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:58,357 It has a two-gig fart library that analyzes your laughter... 14 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:01,393 - and recommends farts based on your comedic sensibility. - [Clicks] 15 00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:03,553 [Man, In Cultured Accent] You enjoyed- [Fart] 16 00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:05,688 Perhaps you'll enjoy- [Short Fart] 17 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,767 - Oh, that is nice. - Hey, guys. 18 00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:10,734 - Hey, Snot. - You know Etan, my bar mitzvah study buddy. 19 00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:14,466 Okay, Bubbe Judy, I'm just comin' to the end of the stairs now. Yeah, the motor stairs. 20 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:18,203 That's right. I'm almost at the bottom, so I gotta get off, okay? I gotta keep goin'. 21 00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:21,280 I kno- Okay, I love you too. I have to go. Bye, Bubbe Judy. 22 00:01:21,381 --> 00:01:24,316 - [Beeps] - That was my grandmother. I call her every day. 23 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,511 Not because I have to, because I want to. You should too. 24 00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:29,520 Shaloms all around. 25 00:01:29,622 --> 00:01:32,614 And, Debbie, a super shalom to you. 26 00:01:32,725 --> 00:01:35,216 I didn't see you at temple this year for Yom Kippur. 27 00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:38,786 You missed some off-the-hizzi atonement. You were busy? 28 00:01:38,898 --> 00:01:42,356 Actually, I've sort of moved away from traditional religion. 29 00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:47,964 Oh. So then might I suggest you check out theJewish mystical tradition of Kabbalah? 30 00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:51,475 It's yourJudaism- [Whispers] after dark. 31 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:54,604 I didn't know you were so spiritual, Etan. 32 00:01:54,714 --> 00:01:58,206 Hey, I'm spiritual too. I'm terrified of ghosts! 33 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:00,718 Well, I gotta go shave. It's been a couple of days. 34 00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:03,345 But I'll catch you later, nerds. [Laughs] 35 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:08,223 I like my women like I like my dreidels- bottom-heavy? 36 00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:11,957 I'll be blunt. I'm comin' on to you, Deborah. It's true. This is what's happening. 37 00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:15,000 The matzo ball's in your court. 38 00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:19,433 Wow. He's so... mature. 39 00:02:19,539 --> 00:02:22,508 - I'm mature. - You enjoyed- [High-pitched Fart] 40 00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:24,873 Perhaps you'll enjoy- [Deeper Fart] 41 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:28,243 [Laughs] He's right. I did enjoy that. Very much so. 42 00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:36,178 - Has anyone seen my cell phone? - No. - Nope. Hey! 43 00:02:36,289 --> 00:02:39,725 Dad, why don't you just call your cell from the land line and listen for the ring? 44 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:42,659 Because it's still on vibrate from the movies last night. 45 00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:46,357 Why did I take consideration for others into account? Why? 46 00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:52,534 Yes! Found it. Wait. This isn't my phone. It's not even real. 47 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,699 It's my phone, and it's full of jelly beans. And they are my jelly beans. 48 00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:59,505 Ring, ring! Ach, it's the green jelly bean. I'm not gonna take this. 49 00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:01,705 Damn it! I'll never find my phone. 50 00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:03,714 You know, they should invent a way... 51 00:03:03,816 --> 00:03:06,683 so that if you lose your cell phone on vibrate mode... 52 00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:10,187 you can call it, enter a code and the phone rings. 53 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:13,521 That... is a great idea. 54 00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:17,323 - That's a million-dollar idea, and we're gonna sell it! - What? 55 00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,421 Oh, you're having a laugh at me. 56 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:24,026 Francine, you know I only laugh at Two and a Half Men. [Laughs] 57 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:27,300 Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores then has breakfast with a fat child. 58 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:29,307 It's funny just talking about it. 59 00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:34,880 Well, Snot, that is the Super Ball conundrum: 60 00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:38,940 We want them to bounce higher and higher, but then we risk losing them. 61 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,646 What in the world is this? 62 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:45,121 - [Clicks] - Cool! 63 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,217 - High-tech invitations to Etan's bar mitzvah. - * [Electronic: "Hava Nagila"] 64 00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:51,627 Wow. He's rented out the fanciest ballroom in town. 65 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:55,098 Dang. For my bar mitzvah, I have to get to the park by dawn... 66 00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:57,328 to get the picnic table by the swings. 67 00:03:57,437 --> 00:04:01,100 It's the only one that doesn't have a swastika or a boner carved in it. 68 00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:03,141 Wait. Where's my invitation? 69 00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:06,745 Oh. Etan's talkin' to Debbie. 70 00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:10,475 Wonder if he's inviting us as a couple? No need to wonder, Steve. 71 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,916 I just loaded up my question gun. Time to go answer huntin'. 72 00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:16,420 Hey, Etan. Just makin' sure that- 73 00:04:16,522 --> 00:04:18,683 Ooh, excuse me a moment. 74 00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:22,192 - [Fart] - [Laughs Loudly] 75 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,855 Good stuff. Good stuff. Now, where was I? 76 00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:27,330 Uh, Etan, can you give us a minute? 77 00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:30,425 Sure. I gotta go set up my gift registry anyway. 78 00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:32,436 I'm registering at Neiman Marcus... 79 00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:36,565 or should I say, "Needless Markup." [Laughs] 80 00:04:36,676 --> 00:04:39,975 Oh, Debbie, that's highbrow. 81 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,344 Steve, I'm sorry, but... 82 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:47,545 well, Etan asked me to be his date to his bar mitzvah, and I said yes. 83 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:50,646 What? You're dumping me for that snobby, rich kid? 84 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:54,386 Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature. 85 00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:58,794 I'm sorry, but I need a man... not a boy. 86 00:04:58,898 --> 00:05:04,632 A-A boy? Uh, c-could a boy produce tears this big? [Sobs] Huh? 87 00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:11,032 She thinks Etan's more of a man than me. 88 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,409 You know what I think? I think a man doesn't sit around pouting. 89 00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:18,177 - A man doesn't get sad, Steve. A man gets- - Even! 90 00:05:18,284 --> 00:05:20,343 Oh, I was gonna say a chocolate Lab puppy. 91 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,353 I'm already sick of it. Can you walk it? 92 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:26,016 - There's no reason you can't walk it and get even. - Wait, I know. 93 00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:29,117 Etan cares about his bar mitzvah more than anything, right? 94 00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:33,187 And what do kids get for bar mitzvahs? Gifts and lots of'em. 95 00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:35,494 - [Snaps Fingers] - Say no more! 96 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:39,162 Okay, say more. I don't- I actually don't know where this is going. 97 00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:43,538 Etan took what was precious to me, so now I'm gonna take what's precious to him. 98 00:05:43,643 --> 00:05:47,909 - That's right. I'm gonna rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah! [Yelps] - Oh, my God. 99 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:51,472 * ['60s Lounge Latin] 100 00:05:58,324 --> 00:06:01,293 Etan took what was precious to me... 101 00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:05,831 so now I'm going to take what's precious... to him. 102 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:13,665 Are you going to achieve that by rob-bing- 103 00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:15,741 [Listlessly] Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah. 104 00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:18,936 Okay, we got it. [Exhales] 105 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,945 Great job, everyone. Great job. 106 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,983 I just get paid the most by far, but you all make it work. 107 00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:32,382 All right, Roger. Lfinished my research... 108 00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:35,689 and devised the perfect plan to rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah. 109 00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:39,253 And once Debbie sees him freak out over losin' his precious gifts... 110 00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:41,560 she'll realize that he's the little boy. 111 00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:45,797 - She'll be so turned off, she'll come runnin' back to me. - The fat one. 112 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:48,237 - You're still trying to win back the fat one. - Right. 113 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:50,366 Now, I analyzed blueprints of the ballroom... 114 00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:54,503 and watched every heist movie from The Apple Dumpling Gang to Ocean's Twelve. 115 00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:56,741 - [Groans] - I know. Don't even get me started... 116 00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:59,511 on the whole "Julia Roberts playing Julia Roberts" thing. 117 00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:01,849 L-It wasn't even a little wink to the audience. 118 00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:04,388 - It was a huge plot point. - I know! 119 00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:06,788 Anyway, the planning stage is over. 120 00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:09,225 - Time to assemble my crew. - I'm in. 121 00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:14,732 Sorry, but my plan requires a crack squad of professionals- starting with a getaway driver. 122 00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:18,930 A wheel man? I know the perfect guy: Lucius Mayweather. 123 00:07:19,038 --> 00:07:21,939 He hustles eight ball out of a bar in East Langley. 124 00:07:27,346 --> 00:07:29,746 - Are you Lucius Mayweather? - Who wants to know? 125 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:34,081 - Roger? Wh-What the hell? - Roger? No. Lucius. 126 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:37,054 You must be the white boy lookin' for a wheel man. I'm in. 127 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:40,182 For God's sakes, I'm assembling my own crew. 128 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:43,490 That cracker's got a crack in his head, if you ask me. 129 00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:48,630 - [Ball Bounces, Hits Floor] - You hustlin' me, boy? 130 00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,702 [Steve Narrating] In order for my plan to work... 131 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,964 I need the world's greatest computer hacker... 132 00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:54,972 the world's best demolitions expert... 133 00:07:55,074 --> 00:07:57,474 and the world's most flexible contortionist. 134 00:07:57,577 --> 00:08:00,307 Unfortunately, I wouldn't know how to begin to get ahold of them. 135 00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:04,645 Which leaves me with you three. Barry, Toshi, you know my Uncle Roger. 136 00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:08,743 - [Speaking Japanese] - Yeah, on my mom's side. 137 00:08:08,855 --> 00:08:13,485 - Wait. Why isn't Snot here? - Snot's too close to Etan. He'd never betray him. 138 00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:18,155 But don't worry. Snot will have a role to play before this is over. 139 00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:19,663 Oo-ooh. 140 00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:21,733 Okay. This is the layout of the ballroom. 141 00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,394 And this is where Etan's gift table will be. 142 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,702 Roger, your job will be to tell Etan that someone's trying to steal his gifts. 143 00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:30,742 - That's crazy. - Trust me. 144 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:34,074 This plan has more twists and turns than Lombard Street. 145 00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,950 You know, from San Francisco? 146 00:08:39,218 --> 00:08:42,449 - Ah. - Ah. - Yep, I've been there. 147 00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:44,785 Now, Roger, you'll be posing as a waiter. 148 00:08:44,891 --> 00:08:46,984 A waiter? [Liltingly] Cli-ché! 149 00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:50,529 No. I'll be Ernest Schlumple, Etan's long-lost great-uncle. 150 00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:54,964 When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos... 151 00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:58,264 where he invented a kosher lubricant that tastes like whitefish salad but- 152 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:02,239 - You're playing a waiter. - But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine-Mykonos accent. 153 00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:05,367 - You're not doing an accent. - Oh, yeah? 154 00:09:07,346 --> 00:09:09,712 Ah, you son of a bitch, you know I'm not a fighter. 155 00:09:12,184 --> 00:09:14,618 - What are you doing? - Practicing stirring. 156 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,984 Well, you better start practicing your cell phone pitch... 157 00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:20,058 because next week we have a meeting with Global Mobile! 158 00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:24,823 - My God, it's happening. It's really happening! - It's happening, all right- 159 00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:28,924 unlike that catchphrase I tried to start: "Nuh-uh to your uh-huh." 160 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:33,369 [Snickers, Laughs] I'm... a fan. 161 00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:36,097 * [Kettledrum Roll] 162 00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:39,644 [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, goys and girls... 163 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,305 Etan Cohen welcomes you to... 164 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,747 - maturity. - [Crowd Gasps] 165 00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:48,411 ♪ ["Walk Like a Man"] 166 00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:52,256 - [Crowd Gasps] - * [Ends] - Welcome! 167 00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:55,759 Drop your gifts on the gift table and your pants on the dance floor. 168 00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:58,056 - I'm talkin' to you, Aunt Rose. - [Laughter] 169 00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:02,100 - Have fun, everyone! - [Applause, Fades] 170 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:07,501 - Steve, what are you doing here? - I'm Barry's "plus one." 171 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,167 - Mazel tov, Etan. - Thanks, Bubbe Judy. 172 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,836 So glad you could make it. Special day for us all. 173 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:17,109 Stick around. I'm happy to share a little bit of... maturity with you. 174 00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:20,014 Come on, Barry. Let's go drop off your gift. 175 00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:24,722 Wow. This is gonna put my bar mitzvah to shame. 176 00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:29,523 The only decorations I have are the police tape left over from my uncle's murder. 177 00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,702 - Hello, Debbie. Shall we dance? - * [Disco Intro] 178 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:41,068 I don't think so, Steve. 179 00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:43,937 Come on. Old times? 180 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,777 [Man] * It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. * 181 00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:54,944 - * [Continues] - I didn't know you danced. 182 00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:57,648 I do a lot of things now- adult things. 183 00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,816 Gave myself a prostate exam this morning... 184 00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:01,916 right after I drank a big cup of coffee. 185 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:04,861 - Next time I'll reverse the order. - * [Continues] 186 00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:12,836 Ah, thanks, Uncle Howie. 187 00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:16,303 Excuse me, sir, but when I was in the bathroom... 188 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:19,537 I overheard a boy saying he was gonna steal your gifts. 189 00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:21,636 - What? Who? - I couldn't see. 190 00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:24,580 I pee sitting down because of my joints. 191 00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:36,093 If I was gonna steal my gifts, how could I possibly do it? 192 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:39,460 [Man] * It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. * 193 00:11:39,565 --> 00:11:42,033 - * [Continues] - You're only spelling "A" and "C." 194 00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:45,797 L-I'm signaling the deejay to play more adult contemporary. 195 00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:48,237 * For young men to enjoy * 196 00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:50,433 * You can hang out with all the boys * 197 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,511 * [Continues] 198 00:11:55,648 --> 00:12:00,779 - Oop, looks like we got a request for some adult contemporary. - * [Fades] 199 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,514 - [Applause] - * [Soft Rock, Slow] 200 00:12:03,622 --> 00:12:07,114 - [Crowd Groans] - * [Soft Rock, Different Song] 201 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:11,128 - [All Groaning, Sighing] - * [Ends] - [Applause] 202 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,721 - Okh! Why is it so hot? - * ["Hava Nagila"] 203 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:18,429 Etan, you've been standing here staring at your presents the whole party. Come and dance. 204 00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:21,404 - No! Someone is trying to steal them. - What? 205 00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:25,637 - Come on. It's the chair dance. - * [Continues] 206 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,714 Fine. 207 00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:39,224 - * [Continues] - [Crowd Applauding, Cheering] 208 00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:54,198 [Gasps] The vent! That's how they're gonna steal them. 209 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,441 [Gasps] It's happening. L-It's happening! 210 00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:01,980 L-Let me down! They're stealing my presents. 211 00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,709 - * [Stops] - [High-pitched Screaming] They're stealing my presents! 212 00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:13,021 [Steve Narrating] See, thanks to Roger, Etan will think... 213 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,650 someone's trying to steal the gifts on the cart. 214 00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:20,323 But that's just a misdirection. The real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket. 215 00:13:20,432 --> 00:13:23,230 [Whispers] Scams make me so horny. 216 00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:26,395 [Steve Narrating] All party long, Etan's relatives will be handing him... 217 00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:29,997 bar mitzvah cards, each filled with cash, checks... 218 00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:34,375 and written sentiments that have no monetary worth but are emotionally valuable. 219 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,075 What's gotten into you? No one is trying to steal your gifts. 220 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,646 - Hey! - Oh, God. Sorry, Snot. 221 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,518 Steve, I have to wear this to my bar mitzvah! 222 00:13:44,623 --> 00:13:47,922 Okay, okay. Th-Then we'll get it to the cleaners right away. 223 00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:51,895 Have the valet pull our bikes around. I'll be out in a second. 224 00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:54,932 [Deejay] Attention. I'm no longer accepting requests... 225 00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:58,595 - for "Brick House." - What the- 226 00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:03,770 - Stop him! Stop Steve Smith! - [Crowd] Huh? Huh? 227 00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:05,776 Etan, what are you doing? 228 00:14:05,878 --> 00:14:09,746 - Your old boyfriend stole my bar mitzvah money. - What? 229 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:14,616 The presents were just a clever ruse. He was after the money the whole time. 230 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,620 - Aha! - [All Gasp] 231 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,150 This is a card saying that Steve Smith... 232 00:14:20,259 --> 00:14:23,524 has paid for a tree to be planted in Israel in your name. 233 00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,529 [All] Aw. 234 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,796 [Steve Narrating] What no one will know is that Etan's money... 235 00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:34,361 will already have left the ballroom... 236 00:14:34,473 --> 00:14:37,931 on someone who doesn't even realize it. 237 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:42,104 And I'll sneak the money off Snot before he ever knows. 238 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,444 It's the perfect plan. 239 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,313 Oh, good. Steve, you're still here. 240 00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:49,148 That is, unless Snot returns for some reason and blows the whole thing. 241 00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:53,715 Hey, am I crazy, or does this stain look like El Vez, the Mexican Elvis? 242 00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:57,922 - The cards. He stole them! - [Crowd Gasps] 243 00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:00,726 Of course! You couldn't stand that my bar mitzvah... 244 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:04,132 is a million times more awesome than your crummy one's gonna be... 245 00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,397 so you tried to ruin it! 246 00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:10,339 [Roger Narrating] And what Steve won't know is that I have my own plan. 247 00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:13,809 While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom... 248 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:19,010 to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry "HandyJ." 249 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:28,417 Everyone thinks Snot stole Etan's money. We have to come clean. 250 00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:31,963 We can't. We're in too deep. Shh. Here he comes. 251 00:15:32,064 --> 00:15:33,964 [Girl] Boo. 252 00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:37,661 Stealing from a bar mitzvah? Totes inappropes. 253 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,034 That's for robbing Etan's bar mitzvah. 254 00:15:40,139 --> 00:15:44,473 - But you're skinheads. You hateJews. - What? No. 255 00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:48,478 We're the Lex Luthor Fan Club. They're the skinheads. 256 00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:54,375 I still don't understand how Etan's cards got in my jacket. 257 00:15:54,486 --> 00:15:56,386 Uh, it's a mystery all right. 258 00:15:56,488 --> 00:15:59,946 Don't worry, pal. Let's look to the future. How's your bar mitzvah coming? 259 00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:03,392 - He's not going to have a bar mitzvah. - [Crowd Gasps] 260 00:16:03,495 --> 00:16:09,400 - Because I'm taking him before the beit din. - I don't know what that is. 261 00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:12,197 - Yeah, I may have gasped too soon. - I know I gasped too soon. 262 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,204 Beit din? Wh-What's that? 263 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:17,332 The beit din is a council of threeJewish elders from a temple... 264 00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:19,343 which rules on matters of justice. 265 00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:23,381 Yours really is a rich and fascinating tradition which we despise. 266 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,643 Once the beit din hears what you did... 267 00:16:25,751 --> 00:16:31,087 not only will they kick you out of our temple, no other temple will take you. 268 00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:35,559 You'll never be bar mitzvahed- doomed to walk the earth for the rest of your days... 269 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,891 as a child! 270 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,329 The rest of my days as a child? 271 00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:42,332 [Speaking Japanese] 272 00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:51,336 Shh. [Speaking Japanese] 273 00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:03,120 How'd the pitch go? They didn't buy it, huh? 274 00:17:03,222 --> 00:17:05,952 - We... never made it there. - What? 275 00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,390 I must have written down the wrong address. 276 00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:11,486 We ended up at an abandoned warehouse where some thugs took my wallet... 277 00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:14,327 held your mother down and made her watch while they kissed my neck- 278 00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:17,630 - I'm sorry. L-I can't do this. - [Whispers] Just say your line. 279 00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,931 No! Forget it. My story makes no sense. 280 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:24,237 We have a cell phone idea, but we never get to pitch it because we get lost. 281 00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:27,107 You know what? If someone wants to explain this garbage to me... 282 00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,442 I'll be in my trailer using this script to wipe my- 283 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:33,006 * ['60s Lounge Latin] 284 00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:42,460 Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed, and it's my fault. 285 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,655 All because you refused to do the heist my way. 286 00:17:45,764 --> 00:17:49,757 - How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything? - We'll never know now, will we? 287 00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:52,393 There's only one way to save Snot's manhood. 288 00:17:52,504 --> 00:17:54,836 I have to tell everyone the truth. 289 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,965 Debbie. Uh, what a surprise. 290 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,237 - So, h-how's it goin'? - Not so good. 291 00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,312 - I'm pretty hungry. - Oh. 292 00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:04,075 - And I broke up with Etan. - You-You did? 293 00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:08,745 What Snot did was unforgivable, but Etan's behavior proved he's not a man at all. 294 00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:10,754 [Man On P.A.] Three large pizzas with everything. 295 00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:15,259 Oh, that's for me. But... let's hang out sometime. 296 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,920 Uh, there was supposed to be a calzone with this. 297 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:21,591 - Did you hear that, Roger? - How Debbie didn't say hi to me? No, I didn't. 298 00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:25,727 My plan is actually working. I think she might want to get back together. 299 00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:29,205 Oh, but she won't if she knows I'm the one who tried to rob Etan. 300 00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:32,766 - So now I can't tell the truth to help Snot. - Look. If you wanna save Snot... 301 00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:36,041 the beit din has to be convinced he deserves another chance. 302 00:18:36,148 --> 00:18:38,878 You need to find an expert on Jewish law to defend him. 303 00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:42,181 Where am I gonna find an expert on Jewish law? 304 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,187 You really have to ask me that? 305 00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:48,316 - Herschel Hirshbaum for the defense. - [Sighs] 306 00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:50,759 Don't you worry, kid. I'll win this for ya. 307 00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,491 - We'll get your foreskin cut off all right. - What? 308 00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:56,295 This council will come to order. 309 00:18:56,401 --> 00:18:58,562 The accuser will state his case. 310 00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:02,504 Your Honors, our noble tribe has spent millennia... 311 00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:05,270 devising a formidable code of ethics. 312 00:19:05,377 --> 00:19:09,245 Snot spit on that code when he tried to steal from me! 313 00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:11,782 I demand his expulsion from this temple... 314 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,853 and that you strip him of his upcoming bar mitzvah ceremony! 315 00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:16,853 - [Quietly] Thank you. - Very well. 316 00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:18,855 Does the defense have a rebuttal? 317 00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:21,221 [Chuckling] 318 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,988 Ethics he wants to talk about? [Scoffs] 319 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:27,964 Jewish history is a history of unethical conduct. 320 00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:32,230 First, the Pharisees killed Jesus Christ, the only true son of God. 321 00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,237 - Oh, boy. - And isn't it true... 322 00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:37,672 that theJews put a "secret sauce" on their Reubens... 323 00:19:37,776 --> 00:19:40,210 that is actually just Thousand Island? 324 00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:45,750 And who shot Gianni Versace? Was it a Jew? I don't know. It was in Miami. 325 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,820 All right! Enough of this meshuggaas. 326 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:51,981 Snot, you are hereby banished from this temple... 327 00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:54,684 and will never be bar mitzvahed. 328 00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:58,126 - No! - My bill. Just so you're not shocked when you open it... 329 00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:00,790 this big hat was a lot. 330 00:20:00,899 --> 00:20:04,027 I'm doomed! [Sobs Loudly] 331 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:09,164 Wait! Snot had nothing to do with stealing Etan's gifts. 332 00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:11,265 - It was me. I did it. - [Others Gasp] 333 00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:14,038 - What? - Snot knew nothing about it. 334 00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:16,046 I planted those envelopes on him. 335 00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:19,208 I did it to get back at Etan for stealing my girlfriend. 336 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:21,309 [Gasps] I'm not surprised. 337 00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:23,786 Steve, how could you? 338 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:29,759 If that is the case, young man, then Snot may indeed have his bar mitzvah ceremony. 339 00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:32,352 Debbie, wait. [Moans] 340 00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:35,433 - Snot, I'm sorry. - "Sorry" doesn't cut it, Steve. 341 00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:38,867 Look. I already lost my girlfriend. I can't lose my best friend. 342 00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,871 I promise I'll make it up to you. 343 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,305 How could you ever make it up to me? 344 00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:46,309 [Dance, With Sampled Voices] * Captain's log, Captain's log, Ca-Ca-Captain's log * 345 00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:49,141 * Is illogical, Is illogical That, sir, is illogical * 346 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:53,082 Steve, this is amazing. But how could you afford all this? 347 00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:57,451 I had a garage sale and sold all my toys. Guy's gotta grow up sometime. 348 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,425 [In Foreign Accent] Hello, Snot. I'm Ernest Schlumple... 349 00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:07,328 your long-lost relative from Alsace-Lorraine by way of Mykonos. 350 00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:14,264 Wait, how'd I get here? I think I'm cracked in the head. 351 00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:49,372 Bye. Have a beautiful time. 352 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,278 English - US - SDH