1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,569
When you think about it, aren't
we all special needs? I mean,
2
00:00:03,594 --> 00:00:05,963
we have this set of ways
we want to be treated, right?
3
00:00:05,995 --> 00:00:07,964
But the question is, is it real
4
00:00:07,998 --> 00:00:11,135
or is it just a reaction to life
constantly disappointing us?
5
00:00:11,167 --> 00:00:13,303
Of course, we blame
those who are closest to us
6
00:00:13,336 --> 00:00:15,973
for our misery,
instead of taking responsibility
7
00:00:16,005 --> 00:00:18,408
for being
unsatisfiable dick nuggets.
8
00:00:18,441 --> 00:00:21,177
We say,
"Hey there, person I love,
9
00:00:21,211 --> 00:00:23,513
I'm unhappy,
so clearly you're failing me."
10
00:00:23,547 --> 00:00:26,449
My wife is miserable,
11
00:00:26,483 --> 00:00:29,253
and instead of dealing
with her own malfunction,
12
00:00:29,285 --> 00:00:33,256
she fixates on some minor
financial trouble I had.
13
00:00:33,290 --> 00:00:36,460
So not only am I now not allowed
to spend more than 25 bucks
14
00:00:36,492 --> 00:00:39,797
on anything fun, she requires me
to haggle for everything.
15
00:00:39,830 --> 00:00:41,364
I'm a happy dude.
16
00:00:41,397 --> 00:00:42,967
But Bec,
she's this
17
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,469
angry bee swarm. And instead
of actually pollinating
18
00:00:45,501 --> 00:00:49,138
some goddamn flowers,
she finds me enjoying life
19
00:00:49,172 --> 00:00:50,708
and knows she can't have that.
20
00:00:50,741 --> 00:00:52,309
So, buzz! Sting! Aah!
21
00:00:52,342 --> 00:00:54,278
Anyway, so how 'bout $40?
22
00:00:54,310 --> 00:00:55,479
It's $60.
23
00:00:55,512 --> 00:00:56,313
Had to try.
24
00:00:56,345 --> 00:00:57,514
(shouts)
25
00:00:57,548 --> 00:01:01,018
- (moaning)
- (laughing)
26
00:01:01,051 --> 00:01:03,988
You guys sure came
a long way for a bassinet.
27
00:01:04,021 --> 00:01:06,657
- My glasses!
- VERNON: Oh, when Bec wants something...
28
00:01:06,690 --> 00:01:07,658
Doing good, bud!
29
00:01:07,691 --> 00:01:10,894
I broke my glasses!
30
00:01:10,928 --> 00:01:12,328
When's the baby due?
31
00:01:12,361 --> 00:01:14,330
I forget. Whenever.
32
00:01:14,363 --> 00:01:17,834
Hey, shoot me a text confirming
that I tried to haggle with you.
33
00:01:17,867 --> 00:01:19,169
Shotgun!
34
00:01:19,202 --> 00:01:20,571
I called shotgun!
35
00:01:20,604 --> 00:01:22,506
- I'm driving.
- So what?
36
00:01:22,539 --> 00:01:24,041
- I still get shotgun!
- (groans)
37
00:01:24,074 --> 00:01:26,510
♪ ♪
38
00:01:31,548 --> 00:01:34,552
(sighs)
39
00:01:39,522 --> 00:01:42,259
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
40
00:01:42,292 --> 00:01:45,028
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪
41
00:01:45,062 --> 00:01:48,366
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
42
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,632
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -
43
00:01:52,694 --> 00:01:54,705
- RADIO HOST: You're listening to Folio.
- (harmonica playing)
44
00:01:54,737 --> 00:01:56,072
I'm Steve Cornelia.
45
00:01:56,106 --> 00:01:57,541
Up next,
46
00:01:57,574 --> 00:02:00,376
we'll talk to the
ambrosial Jay Becanerny.
47
00:02:00,409 --> 00:02:03,046
I've known Jay since we were
both fact-checkers at the
48
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,280
(radio turns up):
New Yorker.
49
00:02:04,314 --> 00:02:06,016
The year, I shall not reveal,
50
00:02:06,048 --> 00:02:09,052
but suffice it to say
that we each carried...
51
00:02:09,086 --> 00:02:11,355
(radio turns down)
52
00:02:11,387 --> 00:02:13,623
(radio turns up)
53
00:02:13,657 --> 00:02:15,225
(clears throat)
Well, I have to say
54
00:02:15,257 --> 00:02:17,560
we've made good time.
55
00:02:17,594 --> 00:02:19,029
I believe we'll
beat my estimate home
56
00:02:19,062 --> 00:02:21,030
- (blowing nose)
- by 25 minutes or so.
57
00:02:21,064 --> 00:02:22,366
Road trip bonus time.
58
00:02:22,398 --> 00:02:23,600
Let's do a bunch of fun shit.
59
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:25,268
First we got to get a Blizzard.
60
00:02:25,302 --> 00:02:27,304
You put some rum in it,
you call it a rizzard.
61
00:02:27,337 --> 00:02:29,473
If you put gin in it, gizzard.
62
00:02:29,505 --> 00:02:33,076
Put wine in it, it's a wizard.
63
00:02:33,110 --> 00:02:34,378
- Yes! See?
- (chuckles)
64
00:02:34,410 --> 00:02:35,745
This is what it's all about,
65
00:02:35,779 --> 00:02:38,916
family hang, making mad jokes,
dicking around.
66
00:02:38,949 --> 00:02:41,084
So boss.
I love it, I really do.
67
00:02:41,118 --> 00:02:43,454
("Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs
plays over radio)
68
00:02:43,487 --> 00:02:44,955
♪ At a tombstone bar ♪
69
00:02:44,987 --> 00:02:46,489
♪ In a juke joint car ♪
70
00:02:46,523 --> 00:02:47,758
♪ He made a stop ♪
71
00:02:47,790 --> 00:02:49,792
(singing along):
♪ Stop ♪
72
00:02:49,826 --> 00:02:52,229
♪ Just long enough ♪
73
00:02:52,261 --> 00:02:57,000
♪ To grab a handle off the top ♪
74
00:02:57,034 --> 00:02:59,136
♪ Next stop Chi Town ♪
75
00:02:59,169 --> 00:03:00,803
♪ Lido, put the money down ♪
76
00:03:00,837 --> 00:03:02,206
♪ Let it roll ♪
77
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,176
♪ He said one more hit ♪
78
00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:07,243
♪ Ought to do it ♪
79
00:03:07,277 --> 00:03:08,479
♪ This joint ♪
80
00:03:08,511 --> 00:03:10,947
♪ Ain't nothing to it ♪
81
00:03:13,517 --> 00:03:18,122
- ♪ One for the road ♪
- Stop.
82
00:03:18,154 --> 00:03:20,423
♪ Lido ♪
83
00:03:20,457 --> 00:03:22,092
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪
84
00:03:22,124 --> 00:03:23,693
♪ Oh, oh ♪
85
00:03:23,726 --> 00:03:26,330
♪ He said one more ♪
86
00:03:26,362 --> 00:03:28,431
(sustained):
♪ For ♪
87
00:03:28,464 --> 00:03:33,302
♪ The road ♪
88
00:03:33,336 --> 00:03:34,538
Scaggs, check it.
89
00:03:34,570 --> 00:03:38,241
(off-key harmonica playing)
90
00:03:39,509 --> 00:03:42,279
(music and harmonica stop)
91
00:03:42,312 --> 00:03:44,714
I did a list of
cool road trip stuff.
92
00:03:44,748 --> 00:03:46,183
Check it.
93
00:03:46,215 --> 00:03:47,784
Strawberry patch,
Pea Soup Andersens.
94
00:03:47,818 --> 00:03:49,185
You got to get some pea soup.
95
00:03:49,219 --> 00:03:51,622
Michael Penn is playing
at the Morongo.
96
00:03:51,654 --> 00:03:55,058
I promised Lindsay I'd be home
in two hours and 12 minutes.
97
00:03:56,259 --> 00:03:58,796
Fine.
98
00:03:58,829 --> 00:04:00,030
I'll get the gas.
99
00:04:00,063 --> 00:04:02,065
Thanks.
I'll get provisions.
100
00:04:02,099 --> 00:04:05,034
Get some Mambas
and some Red Vines.
101
00:04:05,068 --> 00:04:06,904
And some Blammos,
whatever flavor.
102
00:04:06,936 --> 00:04:08,938
But make sure it's something
really messed up.
103
00:04:14,844 --> 00:04:18,381
Oh snap, free blue paper towels.
104
00:04:23,185 --> 00:04:24,755
- Cool look, Corey Hart,
- (phone ringing)
105
00:04:24,787 --> 00:04:26,889
singer of "I Wear
My Sunglasses at Night."
106
00:04:26,923 --> 00:04:28,524
They're prescription.
107
00:04:28,558 --> 00:04:30,060
- (laughs)
- Shh.
108
00:04:30,092 --> 00:04:30,893
LINDSAY:
What?
109
00:04:30,926 --> 00:04:32,161
Hello, my love.
110
00:04:32,195 --> 00:04:34,064
You're on speaker phone.
111
00:04:34,096 --> 00:04:35,498
No, I'm not,
my ear's on the thing.
112
00:04:35,532 --> 00:04:37,067
(chuckles)
113
00:04:37,099 --> 00:04:38,701
We've successfully
picked up the bassinet.
114
00:04:38,734 --> 00:04:41,237
We should be home in
the next two hours or so.
115
00:04:41,270 --> 00:04:43,940
You're not here?
116
00:04:43,974 --> 00:04:45,875
What?
(chuckles)
117
00:04:45,909 --> 00:04:47,243
No.
118
00:04:47,277 --> 00:04:49,212
Don't forget,
Raul is coming at 7:00.
119
00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:52,015
That's tonight?
120
00:04:52,048 --> 00:04:53,183
Can you postpone?
121
00:04:53,216 --> 00:04:54,184
Can you pick up some lube,
122
00:04:54,217 --> 00:04:56,419
- diet sun...
- Lindsay?
123
00:04:56,452 --> 00:04:58,789
- (Siri beeps)
- Call Lindsay.
124
00:04:58,822 --> 00:05:00,757
SIRI:
I found Lind Ski Resort nearby.
125
00:05:00,791 --> 00:05:01,892
- Ugh.
- (Siri beeps)
126
00:05:01,924 --> 00:05:04,227
Call Lindsay.
127
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:06,362
Dang it.
Damn, damn!
128
00:05:06,395 --> 00:05:08,265
- (car sputters)
- What?
129
00:05:08,298 --> 00:05:11,935
- Don't! No.
- VERNON: Stop it.
130
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:16,372
- Cut it out.
- PAUL: Vernon, it's stalling.
131
00:05:16,406 --> 00:05:18,108
VERNON:
Oh.
132
00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:19,375
(groans)
133
00:05:19,409 --> 00:05:21,712
Great.
Nice job, fa...
134
00:05:21,745 --> 00:05:23,781
(coughs)
135
00:05:23,813 --> 00:05:26,549
I swear you can taste
each individual flavor
136
00:05:26,582 --> 00:05:28,719
in these
seven-layer dip Blammos.
137
00:05:28,752 --> 00:05:30,154
How do they do that?
138
00:05:32,955 --> 00:05:34,157
One, beans.
139
00:05:34,190 --> 00:05:35,558
Two, cheese.
140
00:05:35,592 --> 00:05:36,794
Three, guac.
141
00:05:36,827 --> 00:05:38,262
Four, sour cream.
142
00:05:38,294 --> 00:05:39,495
Five, salsa.
143
00:05:39,529 --> 00:05:41,765
Six, black olives.
144
00:05:41,798 --> 00:05:43,065
You sure you
don't have a signal?
145
00:05:43,099 --> 00:05:44,301
What's the seventh layer
146
00:05:44,334 --> 00:05:45,569
in a seven-layer dip?
147
00:05:45,601 --> 00:05:46,736
Why can't I remember?
148
00:05:46,769 --> 00:05:48,005
Come on, brain.
149
00:05:49,039 --> 00:05:50,974
Aw, man.
150
00:05:51,007 --> 00:05:53,277
Now I'll never figure out
what the seventh layer is.
151
00:05:53,310 --> 00:05:55,012
What's the seventh?
152
00:05:55,044 --> 00:05:56,946
This is a disaster.
153
00:05:56,979 --> 00:05:59,148
(spits)
154
00:05:59,181 --> 00:06:01,984
All right, if you could live
anywhere in the world,
155
00:06:02,017 --> 00:06:03,320
where would it be? Go.
156
00:06:03,353 --> 00:06:04,620
Where would you live?
157
00:06:04,654 --> 00:06:05,856
Go.
158
00:06:05,889 --> 00:06:07,257
Paul, go.
159
00:06:07,289 --> 00:06:09,292
I don't feel like
playing games right now.
160
00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:11,828
(spitting)
161
00:06:11,861 --> 00:06:13,296
What are you doing anyway?
162
00:06:13,330 --> 00:06:15,365
What's it look like, idiot?
163
00:06:15,397 --> 00:06:16,700
I'm messing with these ants.
164
00:06:16,733 --> 00:06:18,135
Would you help me?
165
00:06:18,168 --> 00:06:19,336
With what?
166
00:06:19,368 --> 00:06:20,604
We have no cell.
167
00:06:20,637 --> 00:06:22,105
No one's coming by.
168
00:06:22,137 --> 00:06:24,842
You're not doing jack.
(continues spitting)
169
00:06:24,875 --> 00:06:26,375
No, man.
170
00:06:26,409 --> 00:06:27,978
I'm thirsty.
171
00:06:28,010 --> 00:06:30,947
I ate too many Blammos and I
spat on these ants too much.
172
00:06:30,981 --> 00:06:32,449
You got any water?
I drank all my sodas.
173
00:06:32,481 --> 00:06:34,318
No.
174
00:06:34,351 --> 00:06:36,185
I hear a creek.
175
00:06:36,219 --> 00:06:38,889
You can't drink creek water.
It's not safe.
176
00:06:38,921 --> 00:06:41,524
Nah, I can't get sick.
To build my immune system,
177
00:06:41,558 --> 00:06:43,459
I lick weird stuff
at the hospital
178
00:06:43,493 --> 00:06:45,062
all the time.
In surg,
179
00:06:45,094 --> 00:06:47,897
they say scrub up, I just
fake go through the motions.
180
00:06:47,931 --> 00:06:49,166
Come on.
181
00:06:49,198 --> 00:06:51,068
That's to protect the patients.
182
00:06:51,101 --> 00:06:53,904
Agree to disagree.
183
00:06:56,765 --> 00:06:58,734
♪ ♪
184
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:01,502
(leaves rustling)
185
00:07:03,266 --> 00:07:05,268
VERNON:
How'd they get so mean?
186
00:07:05,302 --> 00:07:06,638
Both of them.
187
00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:07,938
Mean-ass sisters.
188
00:07:07,972 --> 00:07:09,273
We goofed, Paul.
189
00:07:09,306 --> 00:07:11,743
We married a couple
of straight meanies.
190
00:07:11,775 --> 00:07:14,811
My family growing up
was problematic too.
191
00:07:14,845 --> 00:07:16,513
Is that right?
192
00:07:16,547 --> 00:07:17,814
I just said it was.
193
00:07:17,847 --> 00:07:20,484
Yeah, my parents
never bonded with me
194
00:07:20,518 --> 00:07:21,953
on account I was born dead.
195
00:07:21,985 --> 00:07:24,921
So, emotionally, they already
buried their son,
196
00:07:24,955 --> 00:07:26,924
but then oh, shit, dude's alive.
197
00:07:26,956 --> 00:07:28,525
Your parents suck too?
198
00:07:28,559 --> 00:07:29,826
No.
199
00:07:29,859 --> 00:07:31,028
They were quite
advanced in years
200
00:07:31,061 --> 00:07:32,996
by the time I came around.
201
00:07:33,030 --> 00:07:34,631
My siblings were
already out of college.
202
00:07:34,665 --> 00:07:37,535
My nephew though, he's
six years older than me.
203
00:07:37,568 --> 00:07:39,170
He was like a father to me.
204
00:07:39,203 --> 00:07:42,840
He taught me a love
of the natural world.
205
00:07:42,872 --> 00:07:45,375
My nephew gave me my first beer.
206
00:07:45,408 --> 00:07:46,643
Can you imagine that?
207
00:07:46,677 --> 00:07:49,647
- (laughs)
- Ah.
208
00:07:49,679 --> 00:07:51,281
Father was a kind soul,
209
00:07:51,314 --> 00:07:53,184
but he just
wanted to sit quietly
210
00:07:53,217 --> 00:07:55,453
and rest his eyes.
211
00:07:55,485 --> 00:08:00,123
Anyway, that's why I'm so
excited to be a young father.
212
00:08:00,157 --> 00:08:01,459
What? You're like 50.
213
00:08:01,492 --> 00:08:03,361
I'm 35.
214
00:08:03,393 --> 00:08:05,896
No. No way you're
younger than me.
215
00:08:05,929 --> 00:08:07,165
But I am.
216
00:08:07,198 --> 00:08:09,500
No way. That's insane.
217
00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:10,734
Ask anyone. That is crazy.
218
00:08:10,768 --> 00:08:12,170
Look at you. You're insane.
219
00:08:12,202 --> 00:08:14,337
I'm five years younger
than you are.
220
00:08:14,370 --> 00:08:15,706
Yeah, okay. Whatever.
221
00:08:15,739 --> 00:08:17,841
Impossible.
222
00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:19,277
Yes!
223
00:08:20,377 --> 00:08:22,180
VERNON:
Water skeeters,
224
00:08:22,212 --> 00:08:25,148
I'm-a spit at you!
225
00:08:25,182 --> 00:08:26,517
(Vernon chuckling)
226
00:08:26,550 --> 00:08:29,186
Oh, my.
227
00:08:29,220 --> 00:08:30,588
I think...
228
00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:31,855
Yes!
229
00:08:31,888 --> 00:08:33,356
Vernon,
230
00:08:33,389 --> 00:08:34,826
it's a Squant-Billed Bushtit!
231
00:08:34,859 --> 00:08:35,692
A what?
232
00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:36,893
A Squant-Billed Bushtit!
233
00:08:36,927 --> 00:08:39,029
Oh, man. I can't even.
234
00:08:39,062 --> 00:08:40,997
Oh, look at him.
235
00:08:41,031 --> 00:08:43,835
It's rare to see a male calling
out of mating season.
236
00:08:43,868 --> 00:08:46,436
You see, once a male mates,
he falls silent.
237
00:08:46,470 --> 00:08:49,706
He spends all his time tending
to his mate and her chicks.
238
00:08:49,739 --> 00:08:52,275
Eventually, mute and unneeded,
239
00:08:52,308 --> 00:08:55,112
he jumps from the tree
and does not fly.
240
00:08:55,146 --> 00:08:56,547
You're harshing my swim.
241
00:08:56,580 --> 00:09:00,350
Boy, he would've been
a good find.
242
00:09:00,383 --> 00:09:02,954
Except I gave up my big year
243
00:09:02,986 --> 00:09:04,755
because of my unfortunate
knife accident.
244
00:09:04,788 --> 00:09:05,922
(laughing)
245
00:09:05,956 --> 00:09:07,859
Are you done?
246
00:09:07,892 --> 00:09:10,795
Yeah, I guess so.
I'm pretty full.
247
00:09:10,827 --> 00:09:12,797
Which way back?
248
00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:17,634
That way.
249
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:19,671
(yells)
250
00:09:21,272 --> 00:09:22,974
Don't throw pinecones at me.
251
00:09:23,007 --> 00:09:24,776
You got us lost.
252
00:09:24,808 --> 00:09:27,244
You're lucky I'm only throwing
pinecones, shitlord.
253
00:09:27,278 --> 00:09:29,247
(yells)
254
00:09:29,279 --> 00:09:32,283
(grunting)
255
00:09:33,283 --> 00:09:35,285
(sighs)
256
00:09:35,318 --> 00:09:38,155
Can you just admit that we've
been walking around in circles?
257
00:09:38,188 --> 00:09:41,491
I've become too reliant on apps
in recent years.
258
00:09:41,524 --> 00:09:43,994
Uncle Nephew taught me
solar location.
259
00:09:44,028 --> 00:09:46,397
He'd put me on his lap
260
00:09:46,430 --> 00:09:47,832
and point to the sun and say,
261
00:09:47,864 --> 00:09:50,066
"That's the only tool
you'll ever need
262
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,502
to get where you want to go."
263
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:53,570
Normally, I'd slap
the shit out of you
264
00:09:53,604 --> 00:09:55,071
for talking like that, but
265
00:09:55,105 --> 00:09:57,274
I am having fun.
266
00:09:57,975 --> 00:09:58,976
(grunts)
267
00:10:00,277 --> 00:10:01,845
(imitates explosion)
268
00:10:01,879 --> 00:10:03,247
Come on!
269
00:10:03,279 --> 00:10:04,481
- We're men...
- Hey.
270
00:10:04,514 --> 00:10:05,783
...out in nature,
271
00:10:05,816 --> 00:10:08,619
away from the sisters
Cottumaccio.
272
00:10:08,652 --> 00:10:09,987
Ugh.
273
00:10:10,019 --> 00:10:12,656
What a sonically displeasing
last name.
274
00:10:12,690 --> 00:10:14,926
Isn't it? They're lucky to
take our dope-ass names.
275
00:10:14,959 --> 00:10:16,761
Now, shh.
276
00:10:16,793 --> 00:10:18,595
I have to concentrate.
277
00:10:18,629 --> 00:10:20,364
As it is, I'm going to be
terribly late
278
00:10:20,397 --> 00:10:21,632
to get home to Lindsay.
279
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:22,933
And Raul.
280
00:10:22,966 --> 00:10:24,302
What?
281
00:10:24,335 --> 00:10:25,369
She said Raul was coming over.
282
00:10:25,402 --> 00:10:26,369
Who's Raul?
283
00:10:26,403 --> 00:10:29,039
No one.
284
00:10:29,072 --> 00:10:30,707
TV repairman.
285
00:10:30,740 --> 00:10:32,609
Now, come on.
286
00:10:32,643 --> 00:10:34,512
This way.
287
00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:39,216
Is the seventh layer corn chips?
288
00:10:39,249 --> 00:10:40,884
Nah, that doesn't count,
damn it.
289
00:10:47,257 --> 00:10:49,121
We should bunker down
for the night.
290
00:10:49,133 --> 00:10:50,535
No, we can make it.
291
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,470
Even if we knew which
direction to go in,
292
00:10:52,503 --> 00:10:53,705
which we don't,
293
00:10:53,738 --> 00:10:55,674
'cause your gross adult nephew
294
00:10:55,706 --> 00:10:57,207
clearly just put you on his lap
295
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,976
so he could rub his dick
on your butt,
296
00:10:59,009 --> 00:11:00,811
it's gonna be dark soon.
297
00:11:00,845 --> 00:11:01,984
We have to make it!
298
00:11:02,117 --> 00:11:03,753
We have to build a fire, Paul.
299
00:11:03,786 --> 00:11:05,055
I saw The Grey.
300
00:11:05,088 --> 00:11:06,790
I'm not bottle-fighting
no woofs.
301
00:11:06,823 --> 00:11:10,828
(Paul yelling)
302
00:11:10,861 --> 00:11:12,830
(yelling continues)
303
00:11:12,862 --> 00:11:14,765
Ah!
304
00:11:14,798 --> 00:11:15,766
(gasping)
305
00:11:15,799 --> 00:11:17,934
(groaning)
306
00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:20,471
(panting)
307
00:11:20,503 --> 00:11:22,572
Now I'm not gonna
be there for...
308
00:11:22,606 --> 00:11:24,341
Oh...
309
00:11:24,373 --> 00:11:25,908
this is bad.
310
00:11:25,941 --> 00:11:28,378
This is very, very bad.
311
00:11:31,548 --> 00:11:32,850
Okay.
312
00:11:35,518 --> 00:11:37,119
We got a lot of work to do.
313
00:11:37,152 --> 00:11:39,188
I'm gonna build a pit trap
and catch some varmints.
314
00:11:39,222 --> 00:11:40,958
Whatever.
315
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:43,026
I'll build a fire.
316
00:11:43,059 --> 00:11:44,328
Shoot.
317
00:11:44,361 --> 00:11:46,295
This ground is pretty moist.
318
00:11:46,329 --> 00:11:49,333
It's going to make
finding accelerant difficult.
319
00:11:49,366 --> 00:11:51,401
Booyah!
320
00:11:57,540 --> 00:11:59,776
(plays harmonica riff)
321
00:11:59,809 --> 00:12:01,645
♪ I am a doctor ♪
322
00:12:01,678 --> 00:12:03,146
(plays riff)
323
00:12:03,179 --> 00:12:05,382
♪ I go snip snip ♪
324
00:12:05,415 --> 00:12:07,150
(plays riff)
325
00:12:07,183 --> 00:12:08,785
♪ I rock that body ♪
326
00:12:08,818 --> 00:12:10,554
(plays riff)
327
00:12:10,587 --> 00:12:12,656
♪ Or replace that hip. ♪
328
00:12:14,056 --> 00:12:15,958
- (chuckling)
- Now your turn.
329
00:12:15,992 --> 00:12:17,527
Come on, it's easy. Just...
330
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:18,862
just sing your truth.
331
00:12:18,895 --> 00:12:20,531
(plays harmonica riff)
332
00:12:20,564 --> 00:12:22,799
Uh...
333
00:12:22,832 --> 00:12:24,801
(plays riff)
334
00:12:24,833 --> 00:12:26,502
♪ My name is Paul ♪
335
00:12:26,535 --> 00:12:28,037
(plays riff)
336
00:12:28,070 --> 00:12:29,973
♪ I am a human ♪
337
00:12:30,006 --> 00:12:31,141
(plays riff)
338
00:12:31,174 --> 00:12:32,141
♪ I'm Vice President ♪
339
00:12:32,175 --> 00:12:33,242
♪ Of Wealth Management ♪
340
00:12:33,276 --> 00:12:34,511
♪ and Investment Strategies ♪
341
00:12:34,544 --> 00:12:35,812
(plays riff)
342
00:12:35,844 --> 00:12:39,550
♪ Again my name's Paul. ♪
343
00:12:39,583 --> 00:12:42,752
(harmonica playing)
344
00:12:42,785 --> 00:12:45,821
(chuckles)
345
00:12:45,854 --> 00:12:46,989
See, the blues is easy.
346
00:12:47,022 --> 00:12:48,891
I am so hungry.
347
00:12:48,925 --> 00:12:50,694
We got to get some food.
I think I'm gonna die.
348
00:12:50,727 --> 00:12:51,694
(groans)
349
00:12:51,728 --> 00:12:54,031
- (stomach growling)
- Ooh...
350
00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:55,866
Oh, great.
351
00:12:55,899 --> 00:12:57,568
My IBS is flaring up.
352
00:12:57,601 --> 00:13:01,038
Oh, okay, this is quite dire.
353
00:13:01,070 --> 00:13:02,672
I bet you're regretting
making me burn
354
00:13:02,705 --> 00:13:04,173
- all those sweet paper towels.
- Oh...
355
00:13:04,207 --> 00:13:06,410
Here. It's a receipt for gas.
356
00:13:06,443 --> 00:13:07,910
Hope your poop's small.
357
00:13:07,944 --> 00:13:09,346
Stay away from
my pit trap.
358
00:13:09,378 --> 00:13:11,080
Don't want you scaring
any future food.
359
00:13:11,113 --> 00:13:13,416
(plays riff)
360
00:13:13,449 --> 00:13:15,352
♪ Paul's going to poop ♪
361
00:13:15,385 --> 00:13:16,920
(plays riff)
362
00:13:16,953 --> 00:13:18,956
♪ That cough could be croup ♪
363
00:13:18,988 --> 00:13:20,357
(plays riff)
364
00:13:20,390 --> 00:13:22,225
♪ Salt and pepper same shoe ♪
365
00:13:22,257 --> 00:13:23,459
(plays riff)
366
00:13:23,492 --> 00:13:25,395
♪ My wife Bec is a stu ♪
367
00:13:25,428 --> 00:13:27,831
(continues playing)
368
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,576
You sabotaged my car!
369
00:13:39,608 --> 00:13:41,143
(plays riff)
370
00:13:41,176 --> 00:13:42,411
No!
371
00:13:42,444 --> 00:13:43,646
I'm saying
372
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:44,982
you sabotaged my car!
373
00:13:45,015 --> 00:13:47,317
You put diesel in the tank!
374
00:13:47,349 --> 00:13:48,752
(plays riff)
375
00:13:48,785 --> 00:13:50,087
- (chuckles)
- (grunts)
376
00:13:50,119 --> 00:13:52,221
- (chuckles)
- What's funny?
377
00:13:52,255 --> 00:13:53,624
You didn't wipe your butt.
378
00:13:53,656 --> 00:13:55,324
Gas was $3.27.
379
00:13:55,358 --> 00:13:58,261
My car takes 18 gallons, max.
380
00:13:58,294 --> 00:14:01,932
Total price should be, at most,
$58.86.
381
00:14:01,964 --> 00:14:05,267
Your total was $64.39!
382
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:08,271
The only way that's
mathematically possible
383
00:14:08,304 --> 00:14:10,473
is if you put diesel
in the tank!
384
00:14:10,507 --> 00:14:11,808
Fine!
385
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,909
Yeah, I put diesel
in your dumb tank!
386
00:14:13,943 --> 00:14:15,078
So what?
I panicked.
387
00:14:15,111 --> 00:14:16,747
I don't want to go home.
388
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:19,082
This is, like, my last chance
to get out of my house
389
00:14:19,114 --> 00:14:20,850
and you're trying to end it.
390
00:14:20,883 --> 00:14:23,954
Why did I agree
to come help you?
391
00:14:23,987 --> 00:14:25,856
You and Becca are bad people.
392
00:14:25,888 --> 00:14:27,123
We're bad people?
393
00:14:27,156 --> 00:14:28,358
Your wife stabbed you.
394
00:14:28,391 --> 00:14:31,160
I backed into the knife.
395
00:14:31,194 --> 00:14:34,430
Why was she holding it
directly at you, then, huh?
396
00:14:34,463 --> 00:14:35,965
Face it, she tried
to murder you.
397
00:14:35,998 --> 00:14:38,267
You shut up, Vernon!
398
00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:39,770
You shut up right now!
399
00:14:39,803 --> 00:14:41,304
You shut up,
Rumpleforeskin!
400
00:14:41,337 --> 00:14:42,706
I hate you!
Your sunglasses
401
00:14:42,738 --> 00:14:43,973
look so stupid!
402
00:14:44,007 --> 00:14:45,308
You're not cool at all!
403
00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:46,942
(yells)
404
00:14:46,976 --> 00:14:48,979
(both grunting)
405
00:14:49,011 --> 00:14:51,448
- You're going to die out here, Vernon!
- You're worthless!
406
00:14:51,481 --> 00:14:53,850
- I will see to that!
- You suck at everything! You're gonna die!
407
00:14:53,882 --> 00:14:55,551
I'm strong!
I'm a strong man!
408
00:14:55,584 --> 00:14:56,552
I've killed so many people,
Paul!
409
00:14:56,585 --> 00:14:57,853
I'm not afraid of it!
410
00:14:57,886 --> 00:15:00,056
I am going to throw you
off this mountain!
411
00:15:00,089 --> 00:15:01,992
I'm going to feed you to a bear!
412
00:15:02,025 --> 00:15:03,360
- Ah! Not my hands!
- Ah!
413
00:15:03,392 --> 00:15:04,660
(both yelling)
414
00:15:04,694 --> 00:15:05,929
(snap, animal squeals)
415
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:10,084
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
416
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:12,387
- Mmm, mmm.
- Mmm.
417
00:15:12,420 --> 00:15:15,156
(smacking lips)
418
00:15:16,719 --> 00:15:18,835
Never thought squirrel
could be so delicious.
419
00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:20,535
Nuts are high in
protein and fat.
420
00:15:20,567 --> 00:15:22,903
Makes for tender flesh.
421
00:15:22,936 --> 00:15:25,673
People forget I'm a doctor
and I know shit.
422
00:15:25,706 --> 00:15:26,941
- (sniffs) Hey.
- Mmm?
423
00:15:26,975 --> 00:15:28,210
Check out his little
squirrel dick.
424
00:15:28,243 --> 00:15:29,444
You dare me to flick it?
425
00:15:29,476 --> 00:15:31,379
- Ugh...
- (chuckles)
426
00:15:33,947 --> 00:15:35,850
I didn't know
we'd get lost.
427
00:15:35,883 --> 00:15:37,252
I was just trying
to buy more time.
428
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:38,519
You don't understand.
429
00:15:38,552 --> 00:15:39,753
It's a nightmare over there.
430
00:15:39,787 --> 00:15:41,255
Becca makes me wear
431
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,225
full pajamas
so our skins don't touch.
432
00:15:43,258 --> 00:15:46,094
Lindsay may have stabbed me
intentionally.
433
00:15:46,127 --> 00:15:47,729
I only get 20% of the TiVo.
434
00:15:47,762 --> 00:15:50,098
And Becca's always erasing
my shows "accidentally."
435
00:15:50,130 --> 00:15:52,266
I missed all last season
of The Librarians.
436
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:53,935
Lindsay order takeout for one.
437
00:15:53,968 --> 00:15:55,237
One time I took a French fry
438
00:15:55,269 --> 00:15:56,737
and she made me
give her a dollar
439
00:15:56,771 --> 00:15:58,373
even though it was
on my credit card.
440
00:15:58,406 --> 00:16:00,575
Becca once held my head
in the toilet for a minute
441
00:16:00,608 --> 00:16:02,143
when I forgot
to flush a duke.
442
00:16:02,177 --> 00:16:04,613
- Lindsey's cucking me.
- Yeah, no kidding.
443
00:16:04,646 --> 00:16:05,747
No, seriously.
444
00:16:05,779 --> 00:16:08,816
That guy I mentioned
earlier, Raul,
445
00:16:08,850 --> 00:16:10,384
he's her bull.
446
00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:13,888
What? Whoa.
447
00:16:13,922 --> 00:16:15,891
What? So he porks her
and you have to watch?
448
00:16:15,923 --> 00:16:18,559
- (groaning)
- What?
449
00:16:18,593 --> 00:16:20,896
Damn, that's crazy!
450
00:16:20,928 --> 00:16:23,798
Jesus, why doesn't anything
cool ever happen to me?
451
00:16:23,831 --> 00:16:27,601
I was trying to be
a good husband.
452
00:16:27,634 --> 00:16:29,236
This is going
to sound bonkers,
453
00:16:29,269 --> 00:16:30,971
but why are we
even going home?
454
00:16:31,004 --> 00:16:32,840
We should drive
straight to Mexico.
455
00:16:32,874 --> 00:16:35,109
- There's a thought.
- No, I'm serious.
456
00:16:35,142 --> 00:16:36,777
We could just disappear,
start a new life.
457
00:16:36,811 --> 00:16:38,280
Things are cheaper down there,
458
00:16:38,312 --> 00:16:40,247
and I can find out
what the seventh layer is.
459
00:16:40,281 --> 00:16:42,917
Seriously! We're both
clearly miserable.
460
00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:44,151
What's stopping us?
461
00:16:44,185 --> 00:16:45,954
The impending children.
462
00:16:45,986 --> 00:16:47,254
No, that's bullshit.
463
00:16:47,288 --> 00:16:48,490
If a dad is miserable,
464
00:16:48,523 --> 00:16:49,925
he's no good for his kid.
465
00:16:49,957 --> 00:16:52,694
Look at Jimmy.
He hated his dad so much,
466
00:16:52,726 --> 00:16:54,662
he's actually happier
now that he's dead.
467
00:16:54,696 --> 00:16:58,465
Jimmy's dad did seem to be
quite a miserable person.
468
00:16:58,498 --> 00:17:00,802
Picture it...
Casa Vernon y Paul.
469
00:17:00,834 --> 00:17:03,337
Just the two of us
eating shellfish
470
00:17:03,370 --> 00:17:05,940
and drinking margaritas
and wizards.
471
00:17:05,974 --> 00:17:09,043
I could take bullets out of
cartel members on the DL.
472
00:17:09,077 --> 00:17:10,345
You can be their
accountant or whatever.
473
00:17:10,378 --> 00:17:13,148
We only get one shot
at this life, man.
474
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:15,649
She is killing my spirit.
475
00:17:15,683 --> 00:17:17,484
This is our only chance.
476
00:17:17,517 --> 00:17:18,886
If we wait, it's going
to be too late.
477
00:17:18,919 --> 00:17:19,987
I'm in.
478
00:17:20,021 --> 00:17:21,289
Seriously?
479
00:17:21,321 --> 00:17:22,690
Seriously.
480
00:17:22,724 --> 00:17:24,626
I can't go back to that house.
481
00:17:24,658 --> 00:17:27,161
She doesn't even let me
self-stimulate anymore.
482
00:17:27,195 --> 00:17:29,965
I don't get to jack off
either, not since Cassia.
483
00:17:29,997 --> 00:17:31,298
Let's reclaim it.
484
00:17:31,331 --> 00:17:32,900
Let's jack off
into the fire!
485
00:17:32,934 --> 00:17:34,703
What? No.
486
00:17:34,735 --> 00:17:36,036
We have to.
487
00:17:36,070 --> 00:17:38,138
We're not allowed to masturbate!
488
00:17:38,171 --> 00:17:41,041
Come on, we gotta take back
domain over ourselves!
489
00:17:41,074 --> 00:17:43,577
And into the fire?
That is so manly.
490
00:17:43,610 --> 00:17:45,546
Okay.
491
00:17:47,215 --> 00:17:48,716
But don't look at me.
492
00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:52,420
(chuckles)
493
00:17:55,122 --> 00:17:57,992
Hell yeah! I bet no one's
ever done this before.
494
00:17:58,025 --> 00:17:59,093
Hush.
495
00:17:59,127 --> 00:18:00,095
What if it explodes?
496
00:18:00,128 --> 00:18:01,797
Shh.
497
00:18:03,031 --> 00:18:05,166
Yeah.
498
00:18:05,198 --> 00:18:07,869
Yeah. Yeah...
499
00:18:07,901 --> 00:18:09,937
(moaning)
500
00:18:09,971 --> 00:18:12,040
Oh there it is.
501
00:18:12,072 --> 00:18:13,340
(both moaning)
502
00:18:13,373 --> 00:18:16,043
(both yelling)
503
00:18:21,315 --> 00:18:23,550
BOTH:
Yeah!
504
00:18:23,583 --> 00:18:24,785
Oh, God.
505
00:18:24,819 --> 00:18:27,289
- Oh...
- Holy...
506
00:18:27,321 --> 00:18:29,256
We just killed, like,
a million of our babies.
507
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:31,894
(both laughing)
508
00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:37,965
(animal growling)
509
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,404
(screaming)
510
00:18:42,436 --> 00:18:45,439
I've been stuck!
511
00:18:45,473 --> 00:18:48,310
(yelling)
512
00:18:54,448 --> 00:18:56,450
(both groaning)
513
00:19:00,482 --> 00:19:02,818
(snoring)
514
00:19:04,918 --> 00:19:06,120
Wake up.
515
00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:10,773
(groans)
516
00:19:10,869 --> 00:19:13,738
My wound opened up.
517
00:19:13,772 --> 00:19:15,575
I have trouble clotting
518
00:19:15,608 --> 00:19:18,477
because of my
oblong platelets.
519
00:19:18,511 --> 00:19:20,913
Uncle Nephew had
the same ailment.
520
00:19:20,946 --> 00:19:23,182
I could close it with
some sap and a hot stick.
521
00:19:23,215 --> 00:19:25,952
We'll get you hella painkillers
when we get to Tijuana.
522
00:19:25,984 --> 00:19:27,686
I can't go with you.
523
00:19:27,719 --> 00:19:28,987
What?
524
00:19:29,021 --> 00:19:30,590
But Casa Vernon y Paul!
525
00:19:30,622 --> 00:19:32,924
I want to be a father.
526
00:19:32,957 --> 00:19:34,994
Last night, when
I thought I was dying,
527
00:19:35,026 --> 00:19:36,261
all I thought about was
528
00:19:36,294 --> 00:19:38,531
how I'd never
meet my child.
529
00:19:38,563 --> 00:19:40,867
Watching how
Jimmy's father squandered
530
00:19:40,899 --> 00:19:45,103
his opportunity and left Jimmy
such a miserable person...
531
00:19:45,137 --> 00:19:47,138
I can't do that to my offspring.
532
00:19:47,171 --> 00:19:50,175
Goddamn you, Paul.
533
00:19:50,208 --> 00:19:54,513
Regardless of what we do,
we're in a pretty tight bind.
534
00:19:54,546 --> 00:19:57,782
I can't see anything.
535
00:19:57,815 --> 00:19:59,351
- (blows on harmonica)
- How do we get out of here?
536
00:19:59,385 --> 00:20:00,619
I don't know.
537
00:20:00,652 --> 00:20:02,053
(harmonica playing)
538
00:20:02,087 --> 00:20:03,321
(bird chirping)
539
00:20:03,355 --> 00:20:05,691
(gasps)
Wait.
540
00:20:05,724 --> 00:20:07,059
Keep playing.
541
00:20:07,091 --> 00:20:09,160
(harmonica playing)
542
00:20:09,194 --> 00:20:11,696
- (bird chirping)
- It's the Squat-Billed Bushtit.
543
00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:15,501
- So?
- He'll lead us back to his nesting ground.
544
00:20:15,533 --> 00:20:17,503
We'll follow
the creek this time,
545
00:20:17,535 --> 00:20:21,306
and we'll find a campground
or something for sure.
546
00:20:21,340 --> 00:20:23,342
(panting and grunting)
547
00:20:29,581 --> 00:20:31,751
Push me up!
548
00:20:31,783 --> 00:20:33,018
But keep playing.
549
00:20:33,052 --> 00:20:36,321
(harmonica playing)
550
00:20:36,355 --> 00:20:39,525
♪ ♪
551
00:20:39,558 --> 00:20:42,895
Give me your hand.
552
00:20:42,927 --> 00:20:45,398
(harmonica playing, bird calls)
553
00:20:45,430 --> 00:20:48,266
Um, Vernon?
554
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:49,936
What happened
back at the campsite....
555
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,203
I don't know what
you're talking about.
556
00:20:52,804 --> 00:20:54,806
(both grunting)
557
00:21:01,045 --> 00:21:03,915
Okay.
558
00:21:03,948 --> 00:21:05,685
Thank you so much.
559
00:21:05,717 --> 00:21:07,887
No problem. You really should
sue the gas station guy
560
00:21:07,919 --> 00:21:09,888
for putting diesel in your tank.
561
00:21:09,921 --> 00:21:14,759
I would, but I think he was
severely mentally handicapped.
562
00:21:14,792 --> 00:21:16,963
(soft chuckle)
Where y'all headed?
563
00:21:16,995 --> 00:21:18,229
San Diego.
564
00:21:18,263 --> 00:21:21,900
Can I pay you for a ride?
565
00:21:21,934 --> 00:21:25,037
Yeah, sure.
566
00:21:25,070 --> 00:21:26,272
All right,
get in there.
567
00:21:26,304 --> 00:21:27,907
I know I mess around a lot,
568
00:21:27,939 --> 00:21:30,109
and I like to have fun,
and Becca thinks I'm a baby,
569
00:21:30,141 --> 00:21:33,446
but I'm really a good person
with a good heart.
570
00:21:33,478 --> 00:21:36,114
- I know you are.
- And I believe there is someone out there
571
00:21:36,148 --> 00:21:37,550
who will love me.
572
00:21:37,582 --> 00:21:39,819
Hopefully a Mexican hottie
with big naturals.
573
00:21:39,851 --> 00:21:41,954
(chuckles)
574
00:21:41,986 --> 00:21:43,455
I'll miss you.
575
00:21:43,488 --> 00:21:45,023
Yeah?
576
00:21:47,025 --> 00:21:48,293
Me too.
577
00:21:55,167 --> 00:21:57,102
Where the hell is the bassinet?
578
00:21:58,504 --> 00:22:00,005
It's not here.
579
00:22:00,039 --> 00:22:01,974
Goddamn it!
580
00:22:02,006 --> 00:22:04,744
That was my baby's bassinet.
581
00:22:04,776 --> 00:22:06,778
Someone stole my baby's crib.
She could've been in there.
582
00:22:06,811 --> 00:22:11,149
I will murder whoever did this!
583
00:22:13,118 --> 00:22:15,921
(sputters)
584
00:22:15,954 --> 00:22:18,291
I can't let a blind fool
like you drive home.
585
00:22:20,859 --> 00:22:22,093
Oh, yeah.
586
00:22:22,127 --> 00:22:24,363
That might be dangerous.
587
00:22:24,396 --> 00:22:25,965
Thanks, anyway.
588
00:22:25,997 --> 00:22:29,334
All right, get in.
589
00:22:29,368 --> 00:22:31,203
- (car door closes)
- I'm glad you're staying.
590
00:22:31,235 --> 00:22:34,139
Oh, I just realized I can't
leave everything hanging yet.
591
00:22:34,173 --> 00:22:37,143
- (car engine starts)
- Plus I need cash and passports,
592
00:22:37,176 --> 00:22:38,444
and I should grab some
medical-grade condoms
593
00:22:38,476 --> 00:22:40,045
from the hospital.
594
00:22:40,079 --> 00:22:43,148
They got some viruses down there
that will eat up your junk
595
00:22:43,182 --> 00:22:46,318
- like a pig tearing into a corn cob.
- Ugh.
596
00:22:46,350 --> 00:22:48,053
Don't worry, I will
give you a signal
597
00:22:48,087 --> 00:22:50,955
before I leave
in case you change your mind.
598
00:22:50,988 --> 00:22:52,225
Okay.
599
00:22:54,325 --> 00:22:58,063
By the way, traditionally the
seventh layer can be anything.
600
00:22:58,097 --> 00:22:59,565
It can be ground beef,
601
00:22:59,598 --> 00:23:02,033
shredded lettuce, green onion,
602
00:23:02,067 --> 00:23:03,302
jalapeños.
603
00:23:03,334 --> 00:23:04,869
It's up to whoever makes it.
604
00:23:04,902 --> 00:23:07,305
Whatever makes them happy.
605
00:23:07,339 --> 00:23:08,874
You knew this all along
and you didn't tell me?
606
00:23:08,907 --> 00:23:10,576
- (chuckles)
- You dick.
607
00:23:14,012 --> 00:23:15,648
Mind if we stop
at the baby store?
608
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,882
I got to get my baby a place
to sleep before I bail.
609
00:23:17,916 --> 00:23:19,585
- Sure.
- And we got to stop
610
00:23:19,618 --> 00:23:21,052
at the toilet paper store,
I haven't forgotten
611
00:23:21,086 --> 00:23:23,355
you didn't wipe
your ass, you cuck.
612
00:23:23,388 --> 00:23:24,223
- (chuckles)
- Hmm.
613
00:23:24,255 --> 00:23:26,559
(car door closes)
614
00:23:26,591 --> 00:23:28,159
(car engine starts)
615
00:23:28,193 --> 00:23:31,597
♪ One more job ought to get it ♪
616
00:23:31,629 --> 00:23:34,399
(both singing along):
♪ One last shot 'for I quit it ♪
617
00:23:34,433 --> 00:23:35,667
♪ One more for ♪
618
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:37,402
♪ The road ♪
619
00:23:38,688 --> 00:23:40,790
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -