1
00:00:00,898 --> 00:00:02,764
Dr. Sheila said this would be perfect
2
00:00:02,766 --> 00:00:05,184
for my ADD and self esteem.
3
00:00:06,437 --> 00:00:09,153
"You are a strong beautiful man."
4
00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:10,499
Thank you, block.
5
00:00:11,710 --> 00:00:14,185
Careful. Careful.
6
00:00:14,210 --> 00:00:16,546
"You are smarter than those around you."
7
00:00:16,571 --> 00:00:18,112
Obviously.
8
00:00:19,246 --> 00:00:20,598
Oooh, my mole burrito!
9
00:00:22,340 --> 00:00:23,605
Damn it!
10
00:00:25,003 --> 00:00:28,529
Hi, I'd tip you, but you made me knock
over my game of therapeutic Jenga.
11
00:00:28,554 --> 00:00:30,840
Have a good one.
12
00:00:32,110 --> 00:00:35,244
Your childish action just
proved I made the right choice.
13
00:00:36,181 --> 00:00:38,615
This does not smell of Oaxaca.
14
00:00:41,286 --> 00:00:44,387
- What is this?
- Oh! It's my vibrator.
15
00:00:44,389 --> 00:00:46,170
Did you just Postmate a sex toy?
16
00:00:46,195 --> 00:00:48,805
Yes, I Postmate everything
in a three mile radius...
17
00:00:48,830 --> 00:00:50,712
ice cream, condoms,
18
00:00:50,737 --> 00:00:53,532
those Belgian tampons
I like, oh, so much...
19
00:00:53,557 --> 00:00:54,931
Stop. Stop.
20
00:00:54,933 --> 00:00:56,904
Does this mean that time that I was sick
21
00:00:56,929 --> 00:00:58,615
and you said you drove
to Reseda in the rain
22
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,577
- for chicken noodle soup...
- Postmate, bye!
23
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:01,647
No!
24
00:01:01,672 --> 00:01:03,796
Wait, where's my burrito?
25
00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:12,252
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
26
00:01:12,448 --> 00:01:14,182
How are those improv classes going?
27
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:16,152
Pretty good. I'm working really hard.
28
00:01:16,154 --> 00:01:17,937
But there's a lot of rules.
29
00:01:17,962 --> 00:01:19,109
What do you mean rules?
30
00:01:19,134 --> 00:01:20,890
I thought improv was
just making stuff up.
31
00:01:20,892 --> 00:01:23,232
Yeah, it is, but you have to
do it in a very specific way,
32
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:24,717
otherwise you piss off your teacher.
33
00:01:24,742 --> 00:01:26,053
Sounds like you're learning a lot.
34
00:01:26,078 --> 00:01:28,523
- Learning's always a good thing.
- Yeah, I guess.
35
00:01:28,548 --> 00:01:30,366
But Devin did learn how to make
the flame in the lighter
36
00:01:30,368 --> 00:01:33,269
shoot up really high and that
hasn't been good for anyone.
37
00:01:33,859 --> 00:01:36,592
Mm! Oh, my God, this coffee!
38
00:01:36,617 --> 00:01:38,541
What did you put in it? It's amazing!
39
00:01:38,543 --> 00:01:41,578
- I put it in a clean cup.
- Hm.
40
00:01:41,580 --> 00:01:43,379
All right, guys, that's our time.
41
00:01:43,381 --> 00:01:45,661
Great work tonight. Thank you.
42
00:01:45,686 --> 00:01:47,584
You were so funny today.
43
00:01:47,586 --> 00:01:49,153
Seriously, you're gonna
be in movies one day.
44
00:01:49,178 --> 00:01:51,356
Oh, thank you.
45
00:01:51,381 --> 00:01:52,489
- Hey, Nicole?
- Yeah?
46
00:01:52,514 --> 00:01:54,451
Um, can I speak to you for a second?
47
00:01:54,476 --> 00:01:55,541
Alone.
48
00:01:57,443 --> 00:02:00,897
- Hi, just have a seat.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
49
00:02:00,899 --> 00:02:03,466
I really think I'm
getting the hang of this.
50
00:02:03,468 --> 00:02:05,435
You broke a lot of rules today.
51
00:02:05,437 --> 00:02:07,871
Again? I'm really trying hard not to.
52
00:02:07,873 --> 00:02:09,587
You remember when I asked you
the question about the soup?
53
00:02:09,612 --> 00:02:10,462
Mm-hm.
54
00:02:10,487 --> 00:02:12,751
And you were supposed to say,
"Yes, I have the soup."
55
00:02:12,753 --> 00:02:16,442
But you said "The soup is gone.
It's in my butt."
56
00:02:20,418 --> 00:02:22,352
It was very funny.
57
00:02:22,354 --> 00:02:24,131
Yeah, yeah, it was.
58
00:02:24,156 --> 00:02:25,490
But when you did that,
59
00:02:25,515 --> 00:02:26,523
you shut me down.
60
00:02:26,525 --> 00:02:27,631
You kept me from continuing.
61
00:02:27,656 --> 00:02:30,362
You said that there was
no soup... story over.
62
00:02:30,395 --> 00:02:33,229
No, no, no, there was still soup.
It was just like, you know, in my...
63
00:02:33,231 --> 00:02:34,822
You know what? I don't think
you're understanding.
64
00:02:34,847 --> 00:02:38,301
The improv stage is
a collaborative environment.
65
00:02:38,303 --> 00:02:39,802
You don't upstage.
66
00:02:39,804 --> 00:02:41,137
We're all supposed to be the same.
67
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:43,008
- Does that make sense?
- Yeah, it makes perfect sense.
68
00:02:43,033 --> 00:02:45,074
Okay, great.
69
00:02:45,076 --> 00:02:46,565
If you have any other questions,
70
00:02:46,590 --> 00:02:48,985
um, you can see how it's done
at the Costello Show tonight.
71
00:02:49,010 --> 00:02:51,834
- What?
- Oh, the elite improv team that I'm on,
72
00:02:51,859 --> 00:02:54,059
uh, attendance
is mandatory for level ones.
73
00:02:54,084 --> 00:02:56,318
Mmmm... rats!
74
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:59,188
- I didn't get a ticket.
- Oh, there are tickets at the door.
75
00:02:59,190 --> 00:03:00,656
Perfect.
76
00:03:06,331 --> 00:03:07,652
- Hi.
- Why are you in jeans?
77
00:03:07,677 --> 00:03:08,998
It's our three-month anniversary.
78
00:03:09,787 --> 00:03:11,180
Was I supposed to wear a suit?
79
00:03:11,205 --> 00:03:13,102
No, it's the sweatpant anniversary.
80
00:03:13,104 --> 00:03:15,505
And what does the sweatpants symbolize?
81
00:03:15,507 --> 00:03:17,421
It celebrates the stage
in a relationship
82
00:03:17,446 --> 00:03:20,076
when you are finally comfortable enough
to wear sweatpants with each other.
83
00:03:20,078 --> 00:03:21,782
- Should I go home and change?
- No, I have an extra pair.
84
00:03:21,807 --> 00:03:24,048
- Of women's sweatpants?
- They're gender-free sweats.
85
00:03:24,073 --> 00:03:25,081
Okay.
86
00:03:25,083 --> 00:03:27,564
I mean, it's not like I'm gonna
be wearing them for long.
87
00:03:27,589 --> 00:03:28,831
Well, kind of.
88
00:03:28,856 --> 00:03:30,801
We're ordering Chinese food
and then watching "Titanic."
89
00:03:30,826 --> 00:03:34,801
- Happy anniversary!
- Yeah, ha, ha, yeah.
90
00:03:34,825 --> 00:03:36,207
"Titanic," yeah.
91
00:03:36,208 --> 00:03:37,480
And it's the Director's Cut,
92
00:03:37,505 --> 00:03:39,297
so, it has the documentary
about James Cameron
93
00:03:39,322 --> 00:03:41,912
actually going into the ocean
in that little pod thing.
94
00:03:41,937 --> 00:03:43,240
Wait, for real?
95
00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:45,037
Oh, yeah, I've been wanting
to learn more about that.
96
00:03:45,062 --> 00:03:46,970
- Yeah.
- It sounds like it was an adventure.
97
00:03:46,972 --> 00:03:50,740
Oh, golly, that's not a sausage.
98
00:03:50,742 --> 00:03:53,909
Thank you very much. That's our show!
99
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:56,750
Honestly, Nicole, you're funnier
than everybody up on that stage.
100
00:03:56,775 --> 00:03:59,382
- Not according to Blix.
- Check it out, 3:00 o'clock.
101
00:03:59,384 --> 00:04:01,692
- What?
- Sorry. 7:00 o'clock?
102
00:04:01,717 --> 00:04:03,123
7:15.
103
00:04:03,623 --> 00:04:05,868
Oh, Avi!
104
00:04:06,458 --> 00:04:09,429
Hey, Avi. You look gorgeous.
105
00:04:09,454 --> 00:04:10,994
I'm gross. Shut up.
106
00:04:12,530 --> 00:04:15,098
- How are you?
- Good.
107
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,300
So, what are you doing here?
108
00:04:17,302 --> 00:04:19,853
Oh, I come to all these
shows to scout for talent.
109
00:04:19,878 --> 00:04:22,464
So, why haven't you called me back?
110
00:04:22,489 --> 00:04:24,407
Yeah, why haven't
you returned her calls?
111
00:04:24,409 --> 00:04:25,982
I'm sorry, who are you?
112
00:04:26,007 --> 00:04:28,163
Hi, I'm Devin, her roommate and muse.
113
00:04:28,446 --> 00:04:31,948
- Love, love your look.
- Oh, shut up, I'm gross.
114
00:04:34,552 --> 00:04:36,653
I put a lot of time into you.
115
00:04:36,655 --> 00:04:38,644
I'm not gonna make that mistake again.
116
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:40,690
Completely understand, but I've changed.
117
00:04:40,692 --> 00:04:43,487
- I'm now taking classes here.
- Oh, that's great.
118
00:04:43,488 --> 00:04:45,045
Are you gonna audition for Cristela?
119
00:04:45,070 --> 00:04:46,973
I can't until I finish level one.
120
00:04:46,998 --> 00:04:48,131
I'll tell you what.
121
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:50,789
When you do that, give me a call.
122
00:04:50,814 --> 00:04:52,164
Oh.
123
00:04:52,189 --> 00:04:54,789
- Obsessed.
- Stop.
124
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,442
How are you doing in there?
125
00:04:58,443 --> 00:05:01,744
Oh, Mapo Tofu, never again.
126
00:05:01,746 --> 00:05:03,312
Do you want me to get you some water?
127
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,509
Mm-hm.
128
00:05:05,495 --> 00:05:08,351
Hey, is stuff coming out the
front door or the back door?
129
00:05:08,353 --> 00:05:10,103
- Front door.
- Oh.
130
00:05:10,618 --> 00:05:12,255
I don't know why that's
better for me, actually.
131
00:05:12,257 --> 00:05:13,851
I guess it doesn't smell as bad, but...
132
00:05:13,876 --> 00:05:16,336
- Can you bring me water?
- Yeah, oh, yeah, sorry.
133
00:05:16,361 --> 00:05:18,728
Thank you. Oh, man...
134
00:05:18,730 --> 00:05:20,129
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
135
00:05:20,131 --> 00:05:21,705
Oh, sweetie.
136
00:05:27,372 --> 00:05:29,242
Thank you.
137
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:30,940
I love you.
138
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,180
- Uh-oh.
- You...
139
00:05:39,530 --> 00:05:41,597
- Why is this happening?
- Oh, you'd better get outta here.
140
00:05:41,622 --> 00:05:44,487
- Back door's unlocked.
- Yeah, yeah.
141
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,230
- Oh, God!
- _
142
00:05:48,793 --> 00:05:51,094
You're throwing acid in people's faces?
143
00:05:51,096 --> 00:05:53,854
No, I'm stocking shelves. Are you okay?
144
00:05:53,879 --> 00:05:56,932
Oh, yeah. I... I'm sorry. I'm just...
I'm really nervous.
145
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,735
I mean, what if I don't pass level one?
146
00:05:58,737 --> 00:06:00,803
- You'll be fine.
- It's easy for you to say.
147
00:06:00,805 --> 00:06:02,705
You're the funniest person in the class.
148
00:06:02,707 --> 00:06:05,200
I am the best.
149
00:06:05,225 --> 00:06:06,496
And time.
150
00:06:06,521 --> 00:06:09,292
Congratulations, everybody
on completing level one.
151
00:06:09,317 --> 00:06:11,881
Give yourselves a hand.
152
00:06:11,883 --> 00:06:14,522
All right, now,
I have posted all the people
153
00:06:14,547 --> 00:06:16,858
that are advancing
to level two in the back.
154
00:06:16,883 --> 00:06:18,888
It was a pleasure having you guys.
155
00:06:18,890 --> 00:06:20,874
Go ahead and look. Feel it.
156
00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:23,463
It's my favorite part.
157
00:06:28,319 --> 00:06:29,804
_
158
00:06:29,829 --> 00:06:31,506
- What the?
- I made it!
159
00:06:35,284 --> 00:06:36,698
What the?
160
00:06:36,723 --> 00:06:38,252
What is your deal, Blix?
161
00:06:38,254 --> 00:06:40,220
How come I'm the only one
in the class not advancing?
162
00:06:40,245 --> 00:06:42,589
Oh, well, you just weren't ready.
163
00:06:42,591 --> 00:06:44,224
Oh, and Kate was ready?
164
00:06:44,226 --> 00:06:46,673
- She's come a very long way.
- Kate's not funny!
165
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,377
Listen, I understand why you're upset.
166
00:06:48,402 --> 00:06:49,778
But it's really not so bad.
167
00:06:49,803 --> 00:06:51,153
You can always take level one again.
168
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,599
I can't afford to take level one again.
169
00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:55,006
Oh, sweetie...
170
00:06:55,604 --> 00:06:57,639
you can't afford not to.
171
00:06:57,940 --> 00:07:00,441
Oh, don't rub me. What's wrong with you?
172
00:07:03,682 --> 00:07:06,647
I gave it my everything,
and I still got screwed.
173
00:07:06,649 --> 00:07:09,049
Well, it sounds like
she's threatened by you.
174
00:07:09,051 --> 00:07:11,151
Your talent is very
intimidating to the weak.
175
00:07:11,153 --> 00:07:13,253
Those classes were
supposed to be my ticket.
176
00:07:13,255 --> 00:07:14,745
Maybe you try a different improv class.
177
00:07:14,770 --> 00:07:16,644
- Oh, and what if that teacher hates me?
- Come on, Veronica,
178
00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:18,549
why don't you try
and suggest something helpful.
179
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,658
God, no manager, no acting job.
180
00:07:21,683 --> 00:07:23,471
I feel like I'm in the same
place when I moved to LA.
181
00:07:23,496 --> 00:07:25,499
The last two years have
just been like a waste.
182
00:07:25,501 --> 00:07:28,062
Well, what if we go to Avi and explain
that you've got a jealous teacher
183
00:07:28,087 --> 00:07:30,932
- who doesn't want you to shine.
- No, no, no, I'm not gonna blame Blix.
184
00:07:30,957 --> 00:07:32,424
That's just another excuse.
185
00:07:32,449 --> 00:07:35,242
Yes, Devin, why don't you try
suggesting things that are helpful.
186
00:07:35,244 --> 00:07:37,244
I need to show Avi that I've changed.
187
00:07:37,246 --> 00:07:39,987
Well, I don't know how you're gonna do
that, if you're not on an improv team.
188
00:07:40,012 --> 00:07:42,249
Well, maybe I'll just be
like my own improv team.
189
00:07:42,251 --> 00:07:45,404
Yeah, of course.
Why didn't I think of that?
190
00:07:45,429 --> 00:07:47,921
- What?
- You should do a one-woman show.
191
00:07:47,923 --> 00:07:51,767
A pinch of improv, a dash of stand-up,
two cups of funny stories.
192
00:07:51,792 --> 00:07:53,454
That's actually kind of brilliant.
193
00:07:53,479 --> 00:07:55,346
Yes! Yes!
194
00:07:55,371 --> 00:07:57,664
- Yes!
- Yes, my own show!
195
00:07:59,281 --> 00:08:00,836
How'd you find this place?
196
00:08:00,861 --> 00:08:02,875
I rented it once for
a poorly-attended orgy.
197
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:04,238
- What?
- It was before you knew me.
198
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,753
- Oh.
- Anyways, when we get there,
199
00:08:05,778 --> 00:08:07,284
can you just let me do the talking?
200
00:08:07,309 --> 00:08:10,144
Okay. This isn't crazy, right?
201
00:08:10,169 --> 00:08:12,621
No. What better way to prove
to Avi you're serious
202
00:08:12,646 --> 00:08:15,590
than spending your entire life
savings on a one-woman show?
203
00:08:15,615 --> 00:08:18,185
You're betting on you.
204
00:08:18,187 --> 00:08:19,753
Now it sounds kinda crazy.
205
00:08:19,755 --> 00:08:20,836
Trust me,
206
00:08:20,861 --> 00:08:23,133
by the end of the show,
you're gonna have a manager,
207
00:08:23,158 --> 00:08:25,289
and if the little
birds do enough talking,
208
00:08:25,314 --> 00:08:27,884
maybe that hype will get you
a spot on "Game of Thrones."
209
00:08:27,909 --> 00:08:29,409
As what?
210
00:08:29,434 --> 00:08:31,842
I could see you in some
sort of stable capacity.
211
00:08:31,867 --> 00:08:34,878
Ah! Someone better feed those 'orses.
212
00:08:34,903 --> 00:08:37,756
Boom, right there, I'm instantly drawn
into your character's storyline.
213
00:08:37,781 --> 00:08:40,541
Are they gonna live? Are they gonna die?
Oh, no, she's dead.
214
00:08:41,649 --> 00:08:45,784
Slobodan, my Baltic brother.
It's been so long.
215
00:08:48,451 --> 00:08:51,468
- Two nights, $1,000.
- It was $500 last time.
216
00:08:51,493 --> 00:08:52,523
I remember you.
217
00:08:52,548 --> 00:08:54,422
You make theater smell
like hot dog water.
218
00:08:54,447 --> 00:08:56,195
Well, I had an orgy
and I paid you for that orgy,
219
00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:57,429
- so, you should be fine.
- Mm-hm.
220
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:58,926
Look, we only have $500.
221
00:08:58,928 --> 00:09:00,633
That's all she has left
from her green card marriage.
222
00:09:00,658 --> 00:09:01,685
You have fake wedding?
223
00:09:01,710 --> 00:09:05,099
Yeah, I married a sweet man named Hassan
at the Van Nuys courthouse.
224
00:09:05,101 --> 00:09:07,480
Was your Justice of Peace
a man name Glen?
225
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,769
- Yeah, he was kind of a nerd.
- He was a nerd, wasn't he?
226
00:09:09,794 --> 00:09:10,637
Yeah.
227
00:09:10,639 --> 00:09:12,439
He looked like Gilligan
from the Island of Gilligan.
228
00:09:12,441 --> 00:09:15,676
Oh, but he take nice picture. Watch.
229
00:09:15,678 --> 00:09:17,075
- You see?
- Oh...
230
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,264
- My wife.
- What a babe.
231
00:09:19,289 --> 00:09:23,935
Okay, I give you two nights,
mid-week, $500.
232
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:24,849
- Oh.
- Yeah, we'll take it.
233
00:09:24,874 --> 00:09:26,419
Wait, can we like take a look first?
234
00:09:26,444 --> 00:09:27,575
No.
235
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,871
So, after he said "I love you,"
he immediately threw up.
236
00:09:31,879 --> 00:09:33,166
I don't know how to read that.
237
00:09:33,191 --> 00:09:35,205
Yeah, same thing happened
to me at a Beyoncé concert.
238
00:09:35,230 --> 00:09:37,664
Long story short, he didn't love me.
239
00:09:37,666 --> 00:09:40,354
But, if Raymond means it,
he'll say it again.
240
00:09:40,379 --> 00:09:42,146
Wrong! Skootch!
241
00:09:42,171 --> 00:09:45,415
No, I specifically waited to talk
about this until you were gone
242
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,744
so I wouldn't have
to hear what you think.
243
00:09:46,769 --> 00:09:49,877
Look, you're gonna love me
after I dish out this hot take, okay?
244
00:09:49,879 --> 00:09:53,109
If somebody says "I love you,"
and they don't hear it back immediately,
245
00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:54,764
you don't double down and say it again.
246
00:09:54,789 --> 00:09:57,077
That makes you look like a psychopath.
247
00:09:57,102 --> 00:09:58,725
Okay, so what do I do?
248
00:09:58,750 --> 00:10:00,621
You're just gonna have to say it back.
249
00:10:01,223 --> 00:10:03,423
Oh, thanks for listening.
250
00:10:03,425 --> 00:10:06,026
Hey, I've had three people in my life
tell me that they love me.
251
00:10:06,028 --> 00:10:07,544
That's more than you, right?
252
00:10:08,630 --> 00:10:10,524
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
253
00:10:10,938 --> 00:10:12,399
Oh, thank God!
254
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:14,634
And I wouldn't have blown him,
255
00:10:14,659 --> 00:10:17,812
if I knew he was gonna
give me a bad Uber rating.
256
00:10:17,837 --> 00:10:21,842
I'm Nicole Byer, goodnight
and thank you, Van Nuys!
257
00:10:21,844 --> 00:10:23,549
Ladies and gentlemen,
258
00:10:23,940 --> 00:10:25,456
your votes are in,
259
00:10:25,481 --> 00:10:29,565
and the winner of American
Living Room is...
260
00:10:29,956 --> 00:10:31,103
Nicole Byer!
261
00:10:31,128 --> 00:10:33,330
We have to let
the world know about this?
262
00:10:33,355 --> 00:10:36,233
Yay!
263
00:11:04,646 --> 00:11:06,684
This is gonna be an exquisite evening
264
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:09,278
once these Petaluma pinecone
air fresheners kick in.
265
00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:10,965
And everyone in my
class said they were coming,
266
00:11:10,981 --> 00:11:12,380
except for that Orthodox Jewish girl
267
00:11:12,382 --> 00:11:14,382
who's not allowed out after sundown.
268
00:11:14,384 --> 00:11:16,125
That's perfect... I'm having Chaz divert
269
00:11:16,150 --> 00:11:18,564
an entire full tour bus of Germans...
270
00:11:18,566 --> 00:11:20,791
- Wait, Germans?
- No, please, don't worry.
271
00:11:20,816 --> 00:11:23,992
We've instructed them to laugh when the
others do, or they'll be punished.
272
00:11:23,994 --> 00:11:25,752
- Did you invite Avi?
- Absolutely not.
273
00:11:25,777 --> 00:11:28,825
Tonight's your soft opening,
so we can work out all the kinks, okay?
274
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:29,916
She's gonna come tomorrow.
275
00:11:29,941 --> 00:11:32,033
I have a soft opening.
276
00:11:32,035 --> 00:11:33,334
Don't do that, Nicole.
277
00:11:33,335 --> 00:11:35,676
♪ It's my vagina ♪
278
00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:37,105
- ♪ It's my... ♪
- Stop!
279
00:11:37,107 --> 00:11:39,411
Save it for the stage.
Save it for the show.
280
00:11:42,583 --> 00:11:45,028
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
281
00:11:45,053 --> 00:11:46,878
My mom just bought an Apple TV.
282
00:11:46,903 --> 00:11:47,950
Four hours on the phone
283
00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:50,228
just so she could watch
an episode of "Golden Girls."
284
00:11:50,253 --> 00:11:52,897
I haven't met your mom,
but I bet she's a Rose?
285
00:11:52,922 --> 00:11:54,328
Actually, she's more of a Blanche.
286
00:11:54,353 --> 00:11:56,670
Oh, wow, so just plowing through guys.
287
00:11:56,695 --> 00:11:59,700
- Because she's Southern.
- Oh.
288
00:11:59,725 --> 00:12:00,934
Yeah.
289
00:12:01,526 --> 00:12:03,348
Anyway, um...
290
00:12:04,151 --> 00:12:06,208
There's something I wanted to tell you.
291
00:12:06,233 --> 00:12:08,133
What can I get ya?
292
00:12:08,158 --> 00:12:09,157
Vodka soda?
293
00:12:09,182 --> 00:12:10,235
Hey, longshot,
294
00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:12,493
but you don't happen to have
Polish River Stout, do you?
295
00:12:12,518 --> 00:12:14,821
Don't tell anyone, but we got
a case in last night.
296
00:12:14,846 --> 00:12:15,977
- For real?
- Yeah, man.
297
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:19,170
- I'll hook you up.
- Dude. I love you.
298
00:12:21,859 --> 00:12:24,681
Oh, re-ac, re-ac,
299
00:12:24,782 --> 00:12:29,126
re-ac, re-ac, re-ac.
300
00:12:30,769 --> 00:12:32,627
They're gonna like you.
They're gonna like you.
301
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:33,761
They're gonna like you.
They're gonna like you.
302
00:12:33,763 --> 00:12:35,604
They're gonna like you.
They're gonna like you.
303
00:12:35,683 --> 00:12:37,080
Okay.
304
00:12:38,730 --> 00:12:41,438
Hey, everyone, how you doin'?
305
00:12:43,373 --> 00:12:45,540
Say "woo," you dummy.
306
00:12:47,043 --> 00:12:48,922
I thought you said it was full.
307
00:12:49,172 --> 00:12:50,734
I didn't wanna psych you out.
308
00:12:51,147 --> 00:12:52,148
Fair.
309
00:12:52,263 --> 00:12:54,641
Do your thing, girl! Yeah! Woo!
310
00:12:56,730 --> 00:12:58,837
- I'm so sorry, Nicole.
- What happened?
311
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,965
You said your entire class
was supposed to come.
312
00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:02,666
I don't get it. They said they'd come.
313
00:13:02,691 --> 00:13:04,702
Yeah, well, at least Veronica
brought all of her friends.
314
00:13:04,727 --> 00:13:06,517
Shut up! Where are your friends?
315
00:13:06,542 --> 00:13:08,892
My inner circle's actually
in Belize on a spirit quest.
316
00:13:08,917 --> 00:13:09,922
Your inner circle?
317
00:13:09,947 --> 00:13:12,210
The close ones.
The ones that know my heart.
318
00:13:12,212 --> 00:13:14,464
Did I... did I miss the show?
319
00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:16,518
Yeah, by an hour and a half, you dunce.
320
00:13:16,543 --> 00:13:18,483
Devin, please. Where were you?
321
00:13:18,485 --> 00:13:20,652
Blix had an emergency improv class.
322
00:13:20,654 --> 00:13:23,121
What constitutes an improv emergency?
323
00:13:23,146 --> 00:13:24,556
Well, she said it was mandatory.
324
00:13:24,558 --> 00:13:26,991
If we didn't go,
we couldn't pass level two.
325
00:13:26,993 --> 00:13:28,235
Where is she?
326
00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:31,204
Okay, Rodrick, I understand
that you work at a pet store.
327
00:13:31,229 --> 00:13:33,181
But who are you? Do you know?
328
00:13:33,206 --> 00:13:35,682
Honestly, Blix, what is your problem?
329
00:13:35,707 --> 00:13:37,651
Um, excuse me, this is level three.
330
00:13:37,676 --> 00:13:39,698
You're not allowed to be here.
Do not absorb any of this.
331
00:13:39,723 --> 00:13:41,604
You scheduled a class during my show!
332
00:13:41,606 --> 00:13:44,212
Oh, your show's tonight?
Oh, how'd it go?
333
00:13:44,237 --> 00:13:45,205
You know how it went.
334
00:13:45,230 --> 00:13:47,745
Oh, probably as well as
it's gonna go tomorrow night.
335
00:13:47,769 --> 00:13:48,874
You blitch.
336
00:13:48,899 --> 00:13:50,227
Do not act like you came up with that.
337
00:13:50,252 --> 00:13:53,368
Blitch is a character
I created six months ago.
338
00:13:53,393 --> 00:13:55,446
Now if you don't have
any more business here,
339
00:13:55,471 --> 00:13:56,626
you should leave.
340
00:13:56,651 --> 00:13:58,944
We're all about to do
some advanced cat play.
341
00:13:58,969 --> 00:14:00,414
Mm-hm, okay...
342
00:14:00,601 --> 00:14:01,695
Meow!
343
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,531
Blitch!
344
00:14:03,556 --> 00:14:05,586
Are you kidding?
You're a grown-ass woman!
345
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:08,234
- Meow!
- That was even worse!
346
00:14:12,079 --> 00:14:13,679
I just wanted to thank you for
347
00:14:13,697 --> 00:14:15,403
taking care of me the other night,
348
00:14:15,405 --> 00:14:16,738
and not breaking up with me.
349
00:14:16,740 --> 00:14:18,097
I really thought that
blowing up your bathroom,
350
00:14:18,122 --> 00:14:19,783
that would've been a deal-breaker.
351
00:14:19,808 --> 00:14:22,277
- It's nothing.
- No, it's not.
352
00:14:26,383 --> 00:14:28,263
Well, that smells clean as.
353
00:14:28,288 --> 00:14:30,005
- I got them dry cleaned.
- Oh.
354
00:14:33,296 --> 00:14:34,364
- Here.
- What?
355
00:14:34,389 --> 00:14:35,694
Uh-huh.
356
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,030
It's a gift card for a whole apartment
cleaning from Maids of Van Nuys.
357
00:14:40,053 --> 00:14:41,577
Oh...
358
00:14:41,991 --> 00:14:44,832
And, finally... There's more.
359
00:14:45,606 --> 00:14:47,825
Since I tossed my cookies...
360
00:14:51,392 --> 00:14:53,230
I love you... uh...
361
00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:57,387
I love...
362
00:14:57,412 --> 00:15:00,125
- your taste in cookies.
- Oh. Ah.
363
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,983
'Cause these are very good cookies.
364
00:15:02,008 --> 00:15:03,451
They're really good cookies.
365
00:15:03,453 --> 00:15:05,124
- Really good.
- Mm-hm.
366
00:15:06,609 --> 00:15:07,685
Mm?
367
00:15:07,710 --> 00:15:09,257
- Nicole?
- Yeah, what's up?
368
00:15:09,259 --> 00:15:11,677
Okay, I'm gonna try to get your
money back from Slobodan.
369
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,648
I was just curious if you still
had that butterfly knife.
370
00:15:13,673 --> 00:15:15,421
- You don't have to.
- I wasn't gonna stab him.
371
00:15:15,446 --> 00:15:17,665
I was just gonna wave it around
in his face until he got scared.
372
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,360
- No, no, no, I'm gonna do the show.
- Really?
373
00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:20,806
Yeah, I was never not gonna do the show.
374
00:15:20,831 --> 00:15:23,520
I wanna be an actress and I'm
not gonna let anything stop me.
375
00:15:23,545 --> 00:15:25,442
- You know Avi's coming tonight.
- Yeah, so?
376
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:26,747
So, you'd better pack the house
377
00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:28,500
or you're gonna look
like a goddamn lunatic.
378
00:15:28,881 --> 00:15:31,771
Leave me. I have work to do.
379
00:15:50,865 --> 00:15:52,064
Oh, yeah!
380
00:15:52,089 --> 00:15:53,697
Polish River has like been
really consistent
381
00:15:53,722 --> 00:15:54,940
in the last like two or three years.
382
00:15:54,965 --> 00:15:56,204
- Really?
- Yeah.
383
00:15:58,721 --> 00:16:00,323
I love you...
384
00:16:00,641 --> 00:16:02,210
and not in the way
you love this bartender
385
00:16:02,235 --> 00:16:03,878
for getting you that douchy beer.
386
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,346
I love you in the big way.
387
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,197
I love you, too.
388
00:16:12,665 --> 00:16:14,852
I've been waiting for you to
say that since I threw up.
389
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,961
I would have thrown up
again, if I had to.
390
00:16:17,086 --> 00:16:19,361
This whole thing has made
me throw up several times.
391
00:16:19,713 --> 00:16:21,127
So romantic.
392
00:16:25,302 --> 00:16:27,361
Well, hello, boys.
393
00:16:28,705 --> 00:16:30,765
♪ Daddy ♪
394
00:16:35,111 --> 00:16:37,029
Why is there nothing
but men in the audience?
395
00:16:37,054 --> 00:16:39,363
Because I went on every dating site
396
00:16:39,388 --> 00:16:41,549
and messaged a bunch of
guys that eggplant emoji
397
00:16:41,574 --> 00:16:43,238
and those three water drops
and this address.
398
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:45,698
- That is brilliant.
- Yes.
399
00:16:45,723 --> 00:16:47,152
Aren't they gonna be pissed
off when they find out
400
00:16:47,177 --> 00:16:48,503
that you're not gonna do any of them?
401
00:16:48,528 --> 00:16:52,198
I mean, truly, if you think
a woman sending you an emoji
402
00:16:52,223 --> 00:16:53,767
means she's gonna sleep with you,
403
00:16:53,792 --> 00:16:55,519
you deserve to be tricked.
404
00:16:58,813 --> 00:17:01,011
Hi. You look so skinny. Right there.
405
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:16,684
Hi! I am Nicole! Thank you!
406
00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:18,532
I know why most of you are here,
407
00:17:18,557 --> 00:17:20,655
and that is a little
trickery on my part.
408
00:17:20,657 --> 00:17:22,854
I'm not sleeping with any of you.
409
00:17:22,879 --> 00:17:25,411
But I'm gonna do a comedy
show and I think...
410
00:17:25,436 --> 00:17:26,327
Do something!
411
00:17:26,329 --> 00:17:27,442
- Uh...
- Do something!
412
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:30,767
If you stay 'til the end,
I'll show you my boobs.
413
00:17:31,407 --> 00:17:34,812
Yes, they're big. Yes, they're brown.
414
00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:37,170
Yes, you'll like them. Okay.
415
00:17:38,241 --> 00:17:40,632
I was very drunk at
the drive-in at Burger King
416
00:17:40,657 --> 00:17:42,812
and I said, "I don't
want anything here."
417
00:17:42,837 --> 00:17:45,485
As I was blowing him, my wig
fell off and he was like,
418
00:17:45,510 --> 00:17:46,516
"What's wrong with you?"
419
00:17:46,541 --> 00:17:48,909
And I ate them. I went.
Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!
420
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:51,840
So, that's when I painted
an Asian kid's face black,
421
00:17:51,865 --> 00:17:54,288
and passed him off as
my half-Taiwanese son.
422
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:56,974
Thank you, guys. I'm Nicole.
Have a good night!
423
00:17:56,999 --> 00:17:59,545
Oh, before I forget...
424
00:17:59,570 --> 00:18:02,180
Ooh, yes.
425
00:18:02,205 --> 00:18:03,469
Oh, I am not surprised.
426
00:18:03,494 --> 00:18:06,133
I knew she had nice boobs. Woo!
427
00:18:08,312 --> 00:18:11,461
Nicole Byer, Avi Stockwell Management.
428
00:18:11,463 --> 00:18:14,516
You usually just write it down.
You don't have to say it out loud.
429
00:18:14,518 --> 00:18:16,350
Thanks. I know.
430
00:18:16,375 --> 00:18:19,988
I'm just very happy to have a manager.
431
00:18:29,099 --> 00:18:32,359
Hi, Blix Anderson.
432
00:18:34,104 --> 00:18:36,338
- Nicole.
- Blix.
433
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:37,973
Take a seat.
434
00:18:43,219 --> 00:18:44,529
- Hm.
- Hm.
435
00:18:44,717 --> 00:18:47,244
- Hm?
- Hm?
436
00:18:47,662 --> 00:18:49,113
- Hm?
- Hm?
437
00:18:49,207 --> 00:18:50,699
Aw...
438
00:18:51,410 --> 00:18:53,021
Nicole?
439
00:18:53,023 --> 00:18:54,623
That's me.
440
00:18:58,195 --> 00:19:00,429
- Have fun.
- I will.
441
00:19:15,828 --> 00:19:17,646
Hey, I'm really sorry.
442
00:19:17,671 --> 00:19:20,048
We're not seeing any more people today.
443
00:19:20,050 --> 00:19:21,516
What?
444
00:19:23,302 --> 00:19:25,083
Booyah!
445
00:19:27,894 --> 00:19:29,760
- To Nicole.
- It's been quite a year.
446
00:19:29,785 --> 00:19:31,510
You know, I couldn't have
done it without you guys.
447
00:19:31,535 --> 00:19:32,596
Well, except for Raymond.
448
00:19:32,621 --> 00:19:33,914
He really didn't help you out that much.
449
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:35,875
Wow, you were right about him.
450
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,431
Oh, what did she say?
451
00:19:37,456 --> 00:19:39,416
That you insult people to
cover your insecurities.
452
00:19:39,952 --> 00:19:42,638
That's, uh, that's what
Dr. Sheila says about me.
453
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,206
Look how sad he is.
454
00:19:44,208 --> 00:19:45,832
- I love you.
- I love you.
455
00:19:45,857 --> 00:19:49,811
Okay, this toast is about me, all right?
456
00:19:49,836 --> 00:19:52,809
So, seriously, I just wanna thank
you all for your support and...
457
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:57,677
No, Nicole, don't do this.
You've come so far.
458
00:19:57,701 --> 00:19:58,901
I know.
459
00:19:59,284 --> 00:20:01,495
Just gonna ask him to leave, okay?
460
00:20:02,175 --> 00:20:04,040
- Hey, I'm pround of you.
- Thanks!
461
00:20:06,157 --> 00:20:07,852
She's really grown.
462
00:20:24,870 --> 00:20:26,745
Okay. Now it's a crime.
463
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:29,218
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com