1 00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:04,700 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:25,140 --> 00:00:29,140 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 3 00:00:29,580 --> 00:00:33,180 Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown... 4 00:00:33,180 --> 00:00:34,980 Sean Lock. 5 00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:37,540 Joe Wilkinson. 6 00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:39,540 Danny Dyer. 7 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,740 Gabby Logan. 8 00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:43,780 David O'Doherty. 9 00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:45,260 Susie Dent. 10 00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:48,100 And Rachel Riley. 11 00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:52,100 Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! 12 00:00:53,900 --> 00:00:57,660 APPLAUSE 13 00:00:57,660 --> 00:01:00,740 Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, 14 00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:02,940 a show about letters, numbers and conundrums. 15 00:01:02,940 --> 00:01:05,860 Did you know, for example, William the Conqueror tried to learn 16 00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:08,460 to speak English at the age of 43, but failed. 17 00:01:08,460 --> 00:01:10,860 A bit like Danny Dyer. 18 00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:14,620 LAUGHTER 19 00:01:14,620 --> 00:01:18,620 The acronym OMG was first used 100 years ago. 20 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:23,180 #hedothsurpriseme, rickets face, pox face. 21 00:01:24,220 --> 00:01:26,420 And if you mouth the words "elephant shoes", 22 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,180 it looks like you're saying "I love you." Try it at home. 23 00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:32,420 It's great for people who can't stand their partner 24 00:01:32,420 --> 00:01:34,340 but still want them to put out. 25 00:01:34,340 --> 00:01:38,340 Right, let's get started. 26 00:01:43,340 --> 00:01:47,340 OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's Sean Lock. 27 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:51,740 Sean has a very distinctive look, and that the look is 28 00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:55,740 the before photo in all hair rejuvenation adverts. 29 00:01:56,860 --> 00:02:00,860 Joining Sean tonight, it's Danny Dyer. 30 00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:05,660 Danny is an incredible actor. 31 00:02:05,660 --> 00:02:08,420 Whether he's playing an East End gangster, a cockney wide boy 32 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:12,420 or an Essex hard nut, he can turn his hand to anything. 33 00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:15,220 True. 34 00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:18,580 Danny is on the latest series of Who Do You Think You Are? 35 00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:21,500 The show traces his family from poverty and crime in the East End 36 00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:23,380 all the way back through the centuries 37 00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:26,980 to poverty and crime in the East End. 38 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,780 We should just do Danny Dyer jokes, they're a lot of fun. 39 00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:32,180 Up against them this evening 40 00:02:32,180 --> 00:02:34,580 is special guest team captain Joe Wilkinson. 41 00:02:34,580 --> 00:02:38,580 CHEERING 42 00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:41,980 A loner who seems a bit weird and keeps himself to himself 43 00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:44,620 is how his neighbours will no doubt describe him 44 00:02:44,620 --> 00:02:47,860 when he's eventually caught. 45 00:02:47,860 --> 00:02:51,860 And Joe's team-mate, Gabby Logan. 46 00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:56,500 Gabby has just returned from presenting the Olympics in Rio. 47 00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:58,460 I love the Olympics, whether I'm watching 48 00:02:58,460 --> 00:03:00,460 a drugged-up Russian jumping in a sandpit, 49 00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:02,340 a woman with testicles running really fast, 50 00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:04,660 or a Chinese slave child doing a forward roll. 51 00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:07,460 The Olympics has got something for everyone. 52 00:03:07,460 --> 00:03:09,500 Gabby, it's your first time on the show. 53 00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,140 Are you going to be better at the letters of the numbers? 54 00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:15,740 I...I don't know. Probably fairly average at both. 55 00:03:15,740 --> 00:03:18,300 I know Joe will guide me through with his masterful... 56 00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:21,140 Yeah, it's a piece of piss. 57 00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:23,980 ..use of the English language, I was going to say. 58 00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:26,740 Now, Gabby, you used to be an international gymnast. 59 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:30,740 - Are you a sore loser? - Um...yeah, I kind of beat myself up a little bit. 60 00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:33,220 Would Joe make a good gymnast, do you think? 61 00:03:33,220 --> 00:03:35,340 I think he's probably secretly quite strong 62 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:36,780 underneath that brown suit. 63 00:03:36,780 --> 00:03:38,940 I don't think it's secret. 64 00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:42,780 - Yeah, I am very strong, I'm very bend it as well. - Are you? 65 00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:46,780 Yeah, I can get through the railings in Alton Towers. 66 00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:48,460 Right, Sean, let me ask you this. 67 00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:52,020 What's the worst lie you've ever told? 68 00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:54,700 So many lies to choose from, aren't there? 69 00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:58,220 You know, normally I lie when I'm looking in prams or... 70 00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:00,580 LAUGHTER 71 00:04:00,580 --> 00:04:01,980 As a parent, you lie. 72 00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:05,900 You say, like, if you watch too much telly, you get square eyes. 73 00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:08,220 Your eyes are bigger than your belly. 74 00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:11,820 You can be anything you want to be. 75 00:04:11,820 --> 00:04:13,420 It's lying though, isn't it? 76 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,820 You've got to lie, you live by your lies, don't you? 77 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,820 There's an entire industry based on lies. 78 00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:21,820 We're in show business, your teeth are a lie. 79 00:04:22,140 --> 00:04:26,140 There's that lie I told the American tourist. 80 00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:31,180 I said it's 998. 81 00:04:32,700 --> 00:04:34,860 Oh, dear. It's funny. 82 00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:38,860 I assume it was funny, I didn't stick around, I just went. 83 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,700 Now, Danny, you're a good-looking fellow, you're a sort. 84 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:47,700 - Would you ever consider plastic surgery? - Nah. 85 00:04:48,340 --> 00:04:52,340 - OK. - No, I quite like the idea of getting old. I don't mind. 86 00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:56,380 You know what I mean? Sitting in a little rocking chair, 87 00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:58,860 - great big derby about me. - Derby? 88 00:04:58,860 --> 00:05:00,740 Derby Kelly's a belly. 89 00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:03,540 Who's Derby Kelly? 90 00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:05,420 It don't matter at this point. 91 00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:08,340 The old pipe out of the old mouth, that's the game I'm in, I think. 92 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:12,340 Yeah, so you look at Sean and think, great, Christmas future. 93 00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:15,300 Yeah, but I don't mind getting old. You get wiser. 94 00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:19,100 - As an actor as well, you get more interesting parts. - Yeah. 95 00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:23,100 Yeah, those stairlift commercials. 96 00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:25,300 Bath's got a door in it. 97 00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:27,540 I've actually had a bit of, um... 98 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:31,540 I don't say this very often, but I've had a little bit of work done. 99 00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:35,940 Yeah, I had rice put into my buttocks. 100 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:40,060 So, when I twerk, I sound like a maraca. 101 00:05:40,060 --> 00:05:44,060 LAUGHTER 102 00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:48,580 Joe, have you brought a mascot along today? 103 00:05:48,580 --> 00:05:50,940 Yeah, I couldn't really think of anything, 104 00:05:50,940 --> 00:05:54,940 so I've brought quite a boring mascot with me. 105 00:05:55,140 --> 00:05:58,900 It's just a sort of bog-standard family picture, like one of many. 106 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:02,900 - That's nice. - It's actually the one I have in my downstairs lav. 107 00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:10,380 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 108 00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:12,380 It's, um... 109 00:06:12,380 --> 00:06:16,380 Over there, that's my uncle Mick and Auntie Pam. 110 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:20,860 They run a B&B in Lowestoft. 111 00:06:20,860 --> 00:06:24,820 Cousin Ricky. He's got a clean driving licence. 112 00:06:24,820 --> 00:06:28,820 How many people can say that nowadays? 113 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:34,060 Half brother Fabio. Nice fella. 114 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,780 Yeah, it's just bog-standard. 115 00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:38,140 Why have all your family got balaclavas on? 116 00:06:38,140 --> 00:06:42,140 I don't know, I've never asked them. 117 00:06:42,740 --> 00:06:45,980 And these two here, they're actually my nan and grandad. 118 00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:49,980 - And coincidentally, tonight is their 60th anniversary. - Oh, lovely! 119 00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:57,100 Actually, I've got a picture of them on their wedding day. 120 00:06:59,740 --> 00:07:03,740 - They haven't changed a bit. - No. 121 00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:08,060 Sorry, I just... 122 00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:12,060 I said I wouldn't cry. 123 00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:16,420 - Sorry. - OK, Joe, how will you celebrate if you win tonight? 124 00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:20,420 If I win tonight, I'll probably just go for a quiet meal with the family 125 00:07:20,860 --> 00:07:23,340 because a few of them are in tonight. 126 00:07:23,340 --> 00:07:27,340 LAUGHTER 127 00:07:34,180 --> 00:07:37,580 - Gabby, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have. - What have you got?, 128 00:07:37,580 --> 00:07:39,540 I've got my lucky towel. 129 00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:41,660 OK. Why is the towel lucky? 130 00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,820 Because you made your top out of it? 131 00:07:43,820 --> 00:07:47,820 LAUGHTER 132 00:07:47,980 --> 00:07:51,580 When I was a kid, I was a gymnast and so before you go on the mat, 133 00:07:51,580 --> 00:07:55,020 you get a bit sweaty and nervous, your hands get a bit clammy. 134 00:07:55,020 --> 00:07:58,460 - So you always have a towel you dry your hands with. - Right. 135 00:07:58,460 --> 00:08:01,660 And to cut a long story short, I once had a Chinese teacher 136 00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:03,940 and she told us all about Chinese customs 137 00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:05,820 and that red was a lucky colour. 138 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:08,940 So I thought I'd make my towel red and that would bring me luck. 139 00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:11,860 So, for my whole gymnastics career, my lucky towel came everywhere. 140 00:08:11,860 --> 00:08:14,460 I did the British Championships and did the best I'd ever done, 141 00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:17,340 and the next day I was flying to Auckland for the Commonwealth Games 142 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:18,780 and I arrived in Auckland 143 00:08:18,780 --> 00:08:21,300 and I'd left my lucky towel in Milton Keynes. 144 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:25,140 But I convinced myself for three weeks that I didn't need the towel. 145 00:08:25,140 --> 00:08:29,140 - Did you do OK? - No, I did really badly. 146 00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:32,500 - That's going to bring you good luck. - Yes. And if it doesn't, 147 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:35,620 - we can make matching balaclavas out of them. - I'd love that. 148 00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:37,780 And we can sit together and cuddle up. 149 00:08:37,780 --> 00:08:41,780 Probably should have washed it. 150 00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:44,380 - OK, Danny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah. 151 00:08:44,380 --> 00:08:48,380 Now...it's a tortoise. 152 00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:53,020 You know I'm not a scientist, Jim, but... 153 00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:54,220 Thanks for clarifying. 154 00:08:54,220 --> 00:08:56,500 These fascinate me, these things. 155 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:59,740 I don't know if it's true or not, but I heard that their shell, 156 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:02,980 you can shoot it, whack it with a hammer, 157 00:09:02,980 --> 00:09:05,900 it won't break it, he tucks his little nut in. 158 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:09,260 Like, you couldn't eat it, but if you flipped it open like that, 159 00:09:09,260 --> 00:09:11,420 it dies. 160 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:15,140 It gets all stressed out and can't deal with it. 161 00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:19,140 So if a fox came along, a clever fox, and just flipped it over, 162 00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,540 give it half an hour cooking time, 163 00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:24,020 and then it could munch it out of a bowl. 164 00:09:24,020 --> 00:09:25,980 LAUGHTER 165 00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:29,980 I'm hoping... 166 00:09:29,980 --> 00:09:33,700 It's the only animal that serves itself. 167 00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:36,620 I feel sorry for it, in a way, I think God's a liberty. 168 00:09:36,620 --> 00:09:39,460 If he's create a creature you cannot penetrate, 169 00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:41,660 but if you flip it over, it's fucked. 170 00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:44,860 You know, I'm fascinated by them, so that's my lucky thing. 171 00:09:44,860 --> 00:09:47,180 Look at it, weird-looking thing. 172 00:09:47,180 --> 00:09:50,500 Shall I just put it there, or is it going to wind people up? 173 00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:54,500 Yes, it's getting on my nerves. 174 00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:58,100 - Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy. - What have you got? 175 00:09:58,100 --> 00:09:59,980 It's more of a tribute, actually. 176 00:09:59,980 --> 00:10:03,980 I'd like to say goodbye to someone who's, you know, 177 00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:07,500 been close to me in the past. 178 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:11,500 This is a budgie that died in a taxidermy accident. 179 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:19,500 We thought he was asleep. A big sleeper, he was always asleep. 180 00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,380 That's why he's called Dozy. 181 00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:23,460 This time it had gone on a bit too long, 182 00:10:23,460 --> 00:10:25,180 he was taking the piss, really. 183 00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:28,940 He'd been sleeping for a good week. 184 00:10:28,940 --> 00:10:31,660 But I thought that was it for Dozy. 185 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:33,260 And then, one day, 186 00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:37,260 I saw one of these things hovering near my window. 187 00:10:39,020 --> 00:10:42,140 And I thought maybe I could give Dozy a proper send-off 188 00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:44,660 to make up for the times I'd neglected him. 189 00:10:44,660 --> 00:10:46,860 And I thought it would be a nice tribute. 190 00:10:46,860 --> 00:10:49,380 And they say to me, you can have anything you want, 191 00:10:49,380 --> 00:10:50,940 and I said I'd like this. Oop! 192 00:10:50,940 --> 00:10:54,940 Don't panic, he's already dead. 193 00:10:55,140 --> 00:10:59,140 Yeah, but dignity is important. 194 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:03,580 And I've chosen his favourite song. 195 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,780 So if we can have that. 196 00:11:05,780 --> 00:11:09,780 MUSIC: Albatross by Fleetwood Mac 197 00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:17,380 Oh! 198 00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:31,100 All right, Joe, hold him there, hold him there. 199 00:11:31,620 --> 00:11:34,580 Oh, Joe! 200 00:11:34,580 --> 00:11:38,580 Hold it there, guys. 201 00:11:51,820 --> 00:11:55,820 That could not have gone any worse. 202 00:11:56,940 --> 00:11:58,500 That was a disaster! 203 00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:02,220 Hang on, Rachel's picking it up with two cards. 204 00:12:02,220 --> 00:12:05,260 - It's its innards. - It is a real dead budgie, isn't it? 205 00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:08,500 I stuffed it in a hurry. 206 00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:12,500 Put it next to the tortoise. 207 00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:17,340 There you go, look, proper little pals. 208 00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:21,100 OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty. 209 00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:22,980 APPLAUSE 210 00:12:22,980 --> 00:12:26,780 I'm not saying David O'Doherty looks like he sells The Big Issue, 211 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:30,780 but if he was a card game, he'd be top tramps. 212 00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:34,180 If he was running for president in America, he's be Donald Tramp. 213 00:12:34,180 --> 00:12:36,860 And if your kids were jumping up and down on him in the garden, 214 00:12:36,860 --> 00:12:39,740 he'd be a trampoline. 215 00:12:39,740 --> 00:12:43,220 At least I don't look like a vampire who'd temping, like you. 216 00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:47,220 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 217 00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:49,740 David, here's a question for you. 218 00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:53,380 - What's your favourite way to waste time? - I do quite a lot of that. 219 00:12:53,380 --> 00:12:57,380 So I guess sports. I'll go to sports that I don't even know the rules of. 220 00:12:58,260 --> 00:13:01,220 I was in Australia and I'd go to Aussie rules. 221 00:13:01,220 --> 00:13:03,900 And because I didn't have a team or know what the rules are, 222 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:07,660 I'd just pick the animal mascot that would win if there was a fight. 223 00:13:07,660 --> 00:13:10,100 So, if it was like the Tigers against the Kangaroos, 224 00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,380 obviously the tiger is going to ruin the kangaroo. 225 00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:14,540 But then it'd be the Tigers against the Bombers, 226 00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:17,820 the bombers will smash the habitat of the tigers. 227 00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:21,820 Then I went to a tricky one, it was the Dockers against the Blues. 228 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,420 And, like, who's... 229 00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:26,660 Cos people who work down the wharf are notoriously tough. 230 00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:29,500 But then depression can defeat anyone. 231 00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:33,500 So, it's, er... So it's a tricky situation. 232 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:38,300 OK, with David, of course, is Susie Dent. 233 00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,780 APPLAUSE 234 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:44,220 Susie is so versatile, not only is she on TV, 235 00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,900 she's also a successful author and radio broadcaster. 236 00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:49,340 So if you're a fan of watching something boring, 237 00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:53,020 reading something boring or hearing something boring, she's got it covered. 238 00:13:53,020 --> 00:13:55,540 Susie, do you have a celebrity crush? 239 00:13:55,540 --> 00:13:57,620 Well, Danny, obviously. 240 00:13:57,620 --> 00:14:00,540 I wouldn't say weird although he called me 241 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,100 his weird crush famously once. 242 00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:05,060 No, I deny it, there's nothing weird about you at all. 243 00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:07,780 Well, you hardly know her. 244 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,140 - LAUGHTER - That's true. 245 00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:13,100 So, yes, Danny on the one hand and then... 246 00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,180 You'll laugh at this, Gabby. 247 00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:18,300 But Arsene Wenger would be on the other side, probably. 248 00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,940 I know it's a bit strange. 249 00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:22,300 Sean, I think we've got a picture of Arsene Wenger. 250 00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:24,580 No, he's very charming. 251 00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:28,220 Yeah, they go quite well together, Arsene is incredibly clever. 252 00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:32,220 Sorry, Danny. He's very clever. 253 00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:35,780 Speaks lots of languages. And Danny is the brawn. 254 00:14:35,780 --> 00:14:38,460 So I'd say two, yes, two celebrity crushes. 255 00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:41,740 To be fair, it would be a mad threesome, that, wouldn't it? 256 00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:45,740 LAUGHTER 257 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:49,820 OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley. 258 00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:53,100 APPLAUSE 259 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,780 Rachel, I'm not saying there's been a mix-up in wardrobe, 260 00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:57,700 but whenever I see you do the numbers, 261 00:14:57,700 --> 00:15:00,540 I can't help but wonder if there's a girl doing Jagerbombs 262 00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:04,540 in a Wetherspoon's dressed as a librarian. 263 00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:08,820 Lots of people would be jealous of your ability with maths, 264 00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,860 but if you could swap brains with anyone here, who would it be? 265 00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:14,060 I think I would have to go for Joe Wilkinson. 266 00:15:14,060 --> 00:15:18,060 I wouldn't, there's a lot of dark shit up here. 267 00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,460 Well, yeah. I've got strong suspicions 268 00:15:20,460 --> 00:15:23,100 that he's been breaking the terms that the court set. 269 00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,980 Yeah, normally Joe's over there with you, 270 00:15:24,980 --> 00:15:27,300 - but because of the restraining order, we had to... - Yeah. 271 00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:30,340 Yeah, they measured it out, they moved this back a little bit 272 00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:32,420 so we could get away with the programme. 273 00:15:32,420 --> 00:15:36,420 You know, I'm prepared to do a bit of time. 274 00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:39,540 OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, 275 00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:43,540 the Countdown keytar. 276 00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:02,940 OK, time for the first game. 277 00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:05,500 Joe and Gabby, you get first pick of the letters. 278 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,300 Yeah, do you want to choose? I'm going to have a little rest. 279 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,060 Vowel, please. 280 00:16:10,060 --> 00:16:11,740 Thank you, Gabby. E. 281 00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:12,780 Another vowel. 282 00:16:12,780 --> 00:16:13,820 A 283 00:16:13,820 --> 00:16:15,300 Consonant. 284 00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:16,700 G 285 00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:17,980 Another consonant. 286 00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:19,020 R 287 00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:21,100 Another vowel, please. 288 00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:22,140 O 289 00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:24,180 Er, a consonant. 290 00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:25,220 L 291 00:16:25,220 --> 00:16:26,700 And another consonant. 292 00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:27,860 T 293 00:16:27,860 --> 00:16:30,100 And a vowel, please. 294 00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,140 I 295 00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:32,740 And another consonant, please. 296 00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:34,140 And the last one... 297 00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:35,180 F 298 00:16:35,180 --> 00:16:36,180 And for the first time, 299 00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:40,180 here's the Countdown Clock. 300 00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:50,940 THUNDERCLAP 301 00:16:54,420 --> 00:16:57,380 Agh! 302 00:16:57,380 --> 00:17:01,380 THUNDERCLAP 303 00:17:18,020 --> 00:17:22,020 Oh, excellent. 304 00:17:22,260 --> 00:17:26,260 Bloody hell. 305 00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:28,860 Gabby, how did you do? 306 00:17:28,860 --> 00:17:30,500 - OK, I was only six. - Six? 307 00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,180 - Yeah. - OK. Joe? 308 00:17:32,180 --> 00:17:34,260 - Mine's six as well. - OK. 309 00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:36,500 - Sean, how many? - I only got five. 310 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:40,500 - Danny? - Seven, but I think I've spelt it wrong. 311 00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:42,380 - Sean, what's yours? - GLOATS. 312 00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:43,500 GLOATS, OK. 313 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:44,700 Gabby, your six? 314 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,500 What's wrong with that? 315 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:50,500 - What's wrong with what? - That's what you... I think he's got seven. 316 00:17:52,140 --> 00:17:55,060 All right, I added it up wrong. 317 00:17:55,060 --> 00:17:57,820 - Gabby, what's your six? - TOILER. - TOILER. 318 00:17:57,820 --> 00:17:59,540 - Joe, what's yours? - GRAFTER. 319 00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:01,420 GRAFTER 320 00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:03,340 We haven't got two Rs, I don't think. 321 00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:05,860 Oh, you idiot! 322 00:18:05,860 --> 00:18:09,220 You gave me all that confidence. 323 00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:12,180 You wrote it down. 324 00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:13,700 Danny, your seven? 325 00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:16,140 Yeah, it's bollocks. 326 00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:20,140 FREIGHTER, you know, like a freighter train. 327 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,180 Like a f-freighter train. 328 00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:23,860 I was going to say how are you spelling that 329 00:18:23,860 --> 00:18:27,860 but how are you PRONOUNCING that? 330 00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:35,420 OK. Six points to Gabby. 331 00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:39,660 OK, David, Susie, could they have done any better? 332 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,260 They could have done a little bit better. 333 00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:44,460 Keeping with the toilet theme, 334 00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:48,300 we've got a few. FOLIAGE, a seven-letter word, 335 00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:51,620 which is used to describe sheets of toilet paper. 336 00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:54,460 - Er, GLOATER. - It was TOILER, not TOILET. 337 00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,900 - So it was TOILER? - TOILER, yeah. 338 00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,420 OK, it wasn't TOILET. 339 00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:02,740 And now she's got... It's really ruined now. 340 00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:05,820 - Sorry! - But I'll stay with it. - Yeah. 341 00:19:05,820 --> 00:19:09,820 GLOATER, which is what you do after you've toiled for a whole day. 342 00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:14,020 You're happy with GLOATER. Toiling. And then FLOATIER 343 00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,620 is a poo that won't flush. 344 00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:18,060 LAUGHTER 345 00:19:18,060 --> 00:19:21,500 OK, so at the end of that, Joe and Gabby are in the lead with 6. 346 00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:25,220 APPLAUSE 347 00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:29,060 On to our first numbers round. Sean and Danny get to pick the numbers. 348 00:19:29,060 --> 00:19:31,940 - I don't like getting involved with this one. - OK. 349 00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:34,820 Two from the top and the usual recipe, please. 350 00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:37,900 Thank you, two from the top and four from the bottom. 351 00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:39,420 And these little ones, 352 00:19:39,420 --> 00:19:40,900 4, 2, 353 00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:42,500 5, 1 354 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:45,300 and the big ones, 100 and 75. 355 00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:46,860 And the target... 356 00:19:46,860 --> 00:19:49,100 - 686. - OK, 357 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:53,100 so your target is 686. Your time starts now. 358 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:25,500 OK, Danny, I can't help but notice you did not take part in this round. 359 00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,660 No, I don't like getting involved in it, it upsets me, 360 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,220 I don't want anything to do with it. 361 00:20:29,220 --> 00:20:32,380 - Just swerve me on this one, please. - OK. 362 00:20:32,380 --> 00:20:34,460 Sean, what did you get? The target was 686. 363 00:20:34,460 --> 00:20:37,420 I got 678. 364 00:20:37,420 --> 00:20:40,500 Near enough. OK. Joe, how did you do? 365 00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:43,460 Er, genuinely 600... 366 00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:47,460 Er...667½. 367 00:20:49,980 --> 00:20:52,780 OK, well, it's interesting. Gabby, how did you do? 368 00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:55,020 Really not well. I got 678 as well. 369 00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:56,460 OK, how did you get 678, Gabby? 370 00:20:56,460 --> 00:20:58,700 I got 678 by timesing, er... 371 00:20:58,700 --> 00:21:00,100 9 x 75 372 00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,940 678 + 1 + 2 373 00:21:01,940 --> 00:21:04,620 How the hell do you know 9 x 75? 374 00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:06,700 How did you get your 9? 375 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:07,820 5 + 4 376 00:21:07,820 --> 00:21:09,620 - Yeah. - Sorry, sorry. 377 00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:12,020 4 x 75 = 675 378 00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:13,260 675 + 1 + 2 379 00:21:13,260 --> 00:21:14,700 - Is that how YOU got it? - SEAN: Mm. 380 00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:17,140 I believe you! 381 00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:21,140 Five points to Gabby and Sean. 382 00:21:21,220 --> 00:21:22,780 Rachel, can it be done? 383 00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:24,380 Yeah, it was so close to that. 384 00:21:24,380 --> 00:21:26,580 5 + 4 = 9 385 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:30,140 75 + 1 = 76 386 00:21:30,140 --> 00:21:33,380 76 x 9 = 684 387 00:21:33,380 --> 00:21:34,500 684 + 2 388 00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:38,060 Aw! 389 00:21:38,060 --> 00:21:41,100 OK, so Sean and Danny have 5, Joe and Gabby have 11. 390 00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:44,100 Yes! 391 00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:46,380 OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner. 392 00:21:46,380 --> 00:21:48,140 David O'Doherty, what have you got for us? 393 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,140 I've got the party machine, everyone. 394 00:21:50,140 --> 00:21:52,940 I thought I would do a song. I thought... 395 00:21:52,940 --> 00:21:55,980 Actually, tonight I've written a duet, 396 00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:59,980 but unfortunately I wrote it for me and Shakira. 397 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,340 It's great that Susie's here, so I'd like you to do your bit. 398 00:22:04,340 --> 00:22:06,340 I've got some South American instruments, Susie, 399 00:22:06,340 --> 00:22:09,860 so when I call upon you, just percussion away. 400 00:22:09,860 --> 00:22:12,740 I'll be taking care of the me and Shakira parts, 401 00:22:12,740 --> 00:22:16,100 so hopefully no-one will notice. 402 00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:18,020 # It's a rainy night 403 00:22:18,020 --> 00:22:19,580 # I lie in bed 404 00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:21,220 # Tucked up and warm 405 00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:23,180 # Out of the storm 406 00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:24,500 # What's that? 407 00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:26,300 # A knock at the door 408 00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:27,900 # Who could it be? 409 00:22:27,900 --> 00:22:29,620 # I run down to see 410 00:22:29,620 --> 00:22:32,740 # And there, soaked to the skin 411 00:22:32,740 --> 00:22:35,420 # Stands 412 00:22:35,420 --> 00:22:36,820 ♪ A tiny woman... ♪ 413 00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:39,980 LAUGHTER 414 00:22:39,980 --> 00:22:43,980 AS SHAKIRA: # Oh, David, David, prince of everything 415 00:22:44,020 --> 00:22:45,780 # Let me touch your sexy body 416 00:22:45,780 --> 00:22:47,420 # Let me feel your skin 417 00:22:47,420 --> 00:22:50,580 # I've travelled over oceans to get here to you 418 00:22:50,580 --> 00:22:53,580 # Thinking of specific things that I'd like to do 419 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,740 # So come on, let's not waste all day 420 00:22:56,740 --> 00:22:59,300 ♪ I am Shakira, let's get busy... ♪ 421 00:22:59,300 --> 00:23:01,300 LAUGHTER 422 00:23:01,300 --> 00:23:03,940 I'll be honest, I'm filled with questions more than anything else. 423 00:23:03,940 --> 00:23:05,180 The first one being... 424 00:23:05,180 --> 00:23:08,460 # Shakira, are you sure that you've got the right address? 425 00:23:08,460 --> 00:23:09,620 # Yes, I am, David 426 00:23:09,620 --> 00:23:12,900 # Soon your balls I will caress Ole, ole 427 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:15,980 # But, Shakira, how do you even know who I am? 428 00:23:15,980 --> 00:23:17,660 # I watch your videos on YouTube 429 00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:19,140 # Your album's in my van 430 00:23:19,140 --> 00:23:20,700 # You have a van? 431 00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:24,140 # A brown Transit van 432 00:23:24,140 --> 00:23:25,900 # But, Shakira, don't you think 433 00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:27,940 # This might be some weird obsessive crush 434 00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:30,260 # On your part that's gone awry? 435 00:23:30,260 --> 00:23:31,740 # David, look at my hips 436 00:23:31,740 --> 00:23:35,420 ♪ They do not lie... ♪ 437 00:23:35,420 --> 00:23:36,860 Can you do a panpipe solo? 438 00:23:36,860 --> 00:23:38,940 Just do a little panpipe solo. Just do anything. 439 00:23:38,940 --> 00:23:42,020 MUFFLED NOTES 440 00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:43,180 MUFFLED NOTES 441 00:23:43,180 --> 00:23:46,900 Shakira understands, having heard that. 442 00:23:46,900 --> 00:23:49,860 # Now I completely see 443 00:23:49,860 --> 00:23:52,100 ♪ The point you're making... ♪ 444 00:23:52,100 --> 00:23:53,580 This isn't going to work, Shakira. 445 00:23:53,580 --> 00:23:57,580 # Even though my tiny Colombian heart is breaking 446 00:23:57,940 --> 00:24:00,060 # I'll walk away-ey-ey 447 00:24:00,060 --> 00:24:02,220 # And you forever, miss 448 00:24:02,220 --> 00:24:04,820 # Please don't ever tell 449 00:24:04,820 --> 00:24:08,020 ♪ Anyone about this... ♪ 450 00:24:08,020 --> 00:24:10,020 I say, "No, of course not, Shakira. 451 00:24:10,020 --> 00:24:12,180 "Maybe just this one time on Countdown." 452 00:24:12,180 --> 00:24:14,780 Hit that. 453 00:24:14,780 --> 00:24:16,180 LAUGHTER 454 00:24:16,180 --> 00:24:18,140 CHEERING 455 00:24:18,140 --> 00:24:22,140 Susie Dent there on the panpipes, with David O'Doherty. 456 00:24:22,180 --> 00:24:24,980 And here is your teaser. The words are GIRTH FAN, 457 00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:27,060 the clue is - makes me think of Grandma. 458 00:24:27,060 --> 00:24:30,060 That's GIRTH FAN - makes me think of Grandma. See you after the break. 459 00:24:30,060 --> 00:24:34,060 APPLAUSE 460 00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:36,900 Welcome back! The answer to the teaser. The words were GIRTH FAN. 461 00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:38,900 The clue was, makes me think of grandma. 462 00:24:38,900 --> 00:24:42,220 It was, of course, FARTHING. So, Joe and Gabby are in the lead. 463 00:24:42,220 --> 00:24:46,220 They have been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Danny and Joe. 464 00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:48,420 So, I mean, no winners, really. 465 00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:51,100 Danny, your turn to choose the letters. 466 00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:53,420 A couple of vowels, please. 467 00:24:53,420 --> 00:24:55,620 - Thank you, Danny. - JOE: Shall we just do three? 468 00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:58,940 - You what? - Shall we just do three? Three letters, that's all. 469 00:24:58,940 --> 00:25:01,820 - I am up for that. - Give us a consonant. 470 00:25:01,820 --> 00:25:05,740 - C. - JOE: Yeah, that'll do! 471 00:25:05,740 --> 00:25:09,060 Another consonant, then. One more, see what happens. 472 00:25:09,060 --> 00:25:10,460 JOE: There were go. 473 00:25:10,460 --> 00:25:12,860 - T. - JOE: Shit, there's nothing there. 474 00:25:12,860 --> 00:25:14,940 - SEAN: Yes, there is. - GABBY: CUTE. 475 00:25:14,940 --> 00:25:17,540 If we can get an N, that would be lovely. 476 00:25:17,540 --> 00:25:19,100 I. 477 00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:21,860 Another consonant, please. 478 00:25:21,860 --> 00:25:25,100 Ooh! Come on, no-one cares. We just want an N! 479 00:25:25,100 --> 00:25:28,940 - Give us a couple of vowels. - Not a vowel! 480 00:25:28,940 --> 00:25:32,500 Give us another vowel and one more consonant. 481 00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:35,340 If we get an N, I've got a seven. 482 00:25:35,340 --> 00:25:37,020 Don't want to do it now. 483 00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:39,460 And your time starts now. 484 00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:43,460 IRISH LINE DANCING MUSIC 485 00:26:10,940 --> 00:26:14,940 APPLAUSE 486 00:26:18,020 --> 00:26:22,020 I miss it so much! 487 00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:29,700 - OK, Danny, how many? - I got seven. - What?! 488 00:26:31,620 --> 00:26:33,460 OK, Joe, how did you do? 489 00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:36,460 - I got six. - What was your six? 490 00:26:36,460 --> 00:26:40,460 - BATHER. - It's ironic you would have BATHER! 491 00:26:42,940 --> 00:26:46,940 - What is your seven, then? - 'AIRCUT. 492 00:26:49,620 --> 00:26:53,620 APPLAUSE 493 00:26:56,660 --> 00:27:00,660 HAIRCUT, you didn't even need the H! 494 00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:05,100 Seven points to Danny Dyer. 495 00:27:08,940 --> 00:27:12,180 David, Susie, could they have done any better than seven? 496 00:27:12,180 --> 00:27:16,180 No, seven was the best, I have to say. 497 00:27:16,300 --> 00:27:20,300 - OK, Sean, what are you up to? - SUSIE: Oh, no! 498 00:27:21,780 --> 00:27:23,020 What are you doing? 499 00:27:23,020 --> 00:27:27,020 Well, I don't just have one dead bird... 500 00:27:28,460 --> 00:27:32,460 This one died in what I can only describe as suspicious circumstances. 501 00:27:36,940 --> 00:27:39,700 I was gardening. That is all I'm saying. 502 00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:43,700 As he died, he looked me in the eye and said, "One more flight." 503 00:27:47,060 --> 00:27:48,860 - "That is all I want." - He said that? 504 00:27:48,860 --> 00:27:52,860 I was just about to chuck him over a wall... 505 00:27:53,980 --> 00:27:56,980 And I saw one of these coming past. 506 00:27:56,980 --> 00:27:58,500 You are very good at these. 507 00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:01,140 I thought, I will go on a course, get proficient 508 00:28:01,140 --> 00:28:04,140 and if we can have the music, please, to set the mood. 509 00:28:04,140 --> 00:28:06,700 # Lean on me 510 00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:10,700 ♪ When you're not strong... ♪ 511 00:28:11,660 --> 00:28:13,700 The final flight. 512 00:28:13,700 --> 00:28:17,700 See you, you rancid piece of vermin blessed with flight! 513 00:28:25,180 --> 00:28:29,180 APPLAUSE 514 00:28:39,340 --> 00:28:43,340 Wow! 515 00:28:46,420 --> 00:28:48,900 OK, at the end of that, Joe and Gabby have 11. 516 00:28:48,900 --> 00:28:52,900 Sean and Danny have 12. 517 00:28:56,380 --> 00:29:00,060 Right, now time for Sean and Gabby to go head-to-head. Gabby, your turn to pick the numbers. 518 00:29:00,060 --> 00:29:02,180 Rachel, can you choose the numbers, please? 519 00:29:02,180 --> 00:29:06,180 I will go for the Sean special, the two from the top and four little. 520 00:29:06,460 --> 00:29:10,460 Four little... 8, 9, 5, 2. 521 00:29:10,860 --> 00:29:14,340 And the big ones, 25 and 100. 522 00:29:14,340 --> 00:29:18,340 - And the target is 240. - OK, your time starts now. 523 00:29:49,860 --> 00:29:53,860 - OK, the target was 240. Gabby, did you get it? - No, I got 245. 524 00:29:54,340 --> 00:29:56,660 245, five away. Sean, did you get it? 525 00:29:56,660 --> 00:29:59,900 - Yeah, I got 241. - 241. 526 00:29:59,900 --> 00:30:03,900 - How did you get 241? - 2 + 8 = 10. 527 00:30:04,900 --> 00:30:07,820 - Times 25. - 250. 528 00:30:07,820 --> 00:30:11,820 - Minus 9. - Well done. - Get hold of that! 529 00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:18,260 Rachel, could it be done? 530 00:30:18,260 --> 00:30:22,020 - Yes, DOD may have it. - Go ahead, DOD. Get involved. 531 00:30:22,020 --> 00:30:26,020 - Do you want the pen and everything? - Look at his tiny legs. It will take awhile. 532 00:30:26,780 --> 00:30:30,780 So, the key to it is staying within the grid. 533 00:30:32,180 --> 00:30:35,620 100... 534 00:30:35,620 --> 00:30:39,620 Have you given me a shit pen?! 535 00:30:40,660 --> 00:30:43,300 - There you go. - Thank you. 536 00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:46,820 It's all going to pot over here. 537 00:30:46,820 --> 00:30:50,820 5 x 8 is 40 giving us 240. 538 00:30:53,420 --> 00:30:57,420 Whoa. 539 00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:06,820 - Gabby is very cross. - I did nine fives instead of eight sides. 540 00:31:08,180 --> 00:31:11,500 So she punched me! 541 00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:15,500 I'm starting to question how lucky that towel really is. 542 00:31:15,580 --> 00:31:19,580 OK, Joe and Gabby have 11, Sean and Danny have 19. 543 00:31:21,340 --> 00:31:24,300 Time to go across to Dictionary Corner. 544 00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:26,340 David, what have you got for us? 545 00:31:26,340 --> 00:31:30,340 I mean this is a poignant evening for me because I love this show, 546 00:31:31,860 --> 00:31:35,860 I love it but this is the last time I'm ever going to be on it 547 00:31:36,020 --> 00:31:39,260 because this time next year I will be huge. 548 00:31:39,260 --> 00:31:43,260 Way too big for this tiny nerd bullshit! 549 00:31:43,780 --> 00:31:47,780 This time next year there won't be a venue capable of holding my crowd. 550 00:31:48,140 --> 00:31:52,140 I'll do gigs from a hot-air balloon over the centre of the country 551 00:31:52,140 --> 00:31:55,340 with the loud-hailer and Dyson hoovering up money. 552 00:31:55,340 --> 00:31:57,740 This time next year my fragrance will be everywhere, 553 00:31:57,740 --> 00:31:59,820 Boner Owner odour by David O'Doherty. 554 00:31:59,820 --> 00:32:02,580 That is what it's called. 555 00:32:02,580 --> 00:32:05,300 Boner Owner. That's the ad. 556 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:09,100 This time next year I will be a real arsehole. I'm not too bad now. 557 00:32:09,100 --> 00:32:12,100 Ask me how I am, Susie. This is me right now. Ask me how I am. 558 00:32:12,100 --> 00:32:15,980 - David, how are you? - I'm good, thank you. That's me now. 559 00:32:15,980 --> 00:32:19,140 Let's wind the clock forward a year and see how I have changed. 560 00:32:19,140 --> 00:32:22,060 - This is this time next year. Danny, ask me how I am? - How are you? 561 00:32:22,060 --> 00:32:26,060 Go fuck yourself, leave me alone! 562 00:32:26,220 --> 00:32:30,220 This time next year Kanye West will describe people as having gone a bit O'Doherty. 563 00:32:31,020 --> 00:32:33,900 This time next when we come back here just to shoot 564 00:32:33,900 --> 00:32:37,820 a documentary about how shit my career used to be... 565 00:32:37,820 --> 00:32:41,820 This time next year but the year after next I will be back here again. 566 00:32:42,540 --> 00:32:46,380 It will all work out. This is as big as this gets. 567 00:32:46,380 --> 00:32:49,660 "Please producers have me back on the show!" And you will all be like, 568 00:32:49,660 --> 00:32:51,500 ahhhhhh! 569 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:55,500 Like the former X factor finalist's first day back at Tesco. 570 00:32:55,580 --> 00:32:58,140 And everyone is like, ahhhhh! 571 00:32:58,140 --> 00:33:01,140 "We knew you would be back because your music is shit!" 572 00:33:01,140 --> 00:33:03,780 "For first job, can you shovel copies of your own CD into the 573 00:33:03,780 --> 00:33:07,700 "crusher because nobody will ever want it?" 574 00:33:07,700 --> 00:33:11,220 This time next year and the year after next but in the meantime, 575 00:33:11,220 --> 00:33:15,220 it's a delight to be here. 576 00:33:20,340 --> 00:33:24,340 David O'Doherty! 577 00:33:26,580 --> 00:33:30,220 The scores at the moment, Joe and Gabby have 11. 578 00:33:30,220 --> 00:33:33,180 Sean and Danny are in the lead with 19. 579 00:33:33,180 --> 00:33:35,140 And here is your teaser. 580 00:33:35,140 --> 00:33:37,740 The words are NIPS RISE. The clue is, that gives me an idea. 581 00:33:37,740 --> 00:33:39,500 NIPS RISE, that gives me an idea. See you after the break. 582 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:42,620 APPLAUSE 583 00:33:42,980 --> 00:33:44,700 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser: 584 00:33:44,700 --> 00:33:47,460 The words were NIPS RISE. The clue was, that gives me an idea. 585 00:33:47,460 --> 00:33:49,140 It was of course, INSPIRES. 586 00:33:49,140 --> 00:33:51,860 OK, before we get on with the game, time for a quick bonus round. 587 00:33:51,860 --> 00:33:53,860 A chance for our teams to win some extra point. 588 00:33:53,860 --> 00:33:57,620 In honour of the great Danny Dyer, we've got a quiz all about Danny. 589 00:33:57,620 --> 00:33:58,820 LAUGHTER 590 00:33:58,820 --> 00:34:00,220 so I've got some questions, Danny, 591 00:34:00,220 --> 00:34:01,980 you'll be able to provide the answers. 592 00:34:01,980 --> 00:34:04,020 LAUGHTER 593 00:34:04,020 --> 00:34:07,340 OK. So, the first question in the Danny Dyer quiz - 594 00:34:07,340 --> 00:34:11,340 can you guess the missing word in this tweet? 595 00:34:18,460 --> 00:34:21,140 LAUGHTER What do you think the missing word is? 596 00:34:21,140 --> 00:34:23,020 You know when it pisses right through, though, 597 00:34:23,020 --> 00:34:24,940 right onto the plate? You know what I'm saying? 598 00:34:24,940 --> 00:34:27,780 Proper pissing through. 599 00:34:27,780 --> 00:34:31,340 That's a crumpet. That's how you eat a crumpet in my house. 600 00:34:31,340 --> 00:34:33,540 OK, so what do you think the missing word is? 601 00:34:33,540 --> 00:34:35,020 Ballet? 602 00:34:35,020 --> 00:34:38,140 Ballet. You think he's watching ballet? OK. Joe? 603 00:34:38,140 --> 00:34:42,140 I put Taggart. 604 00:34:44,380 --> 00:34:46,380 - OK, Sean? - Question Time. 605 00:34:46,380 --> 00:34:47,740 Danny, what was the answer? 606 00:34:47,740 --> 00:34:48,980 It's Question Time, yeah. 607 00:34:48,980 --> 00:34:51,140 - Is it?! - Yeah. - The answer is Question Time. 608 00:34:51,140 --> 00:34:53,820 APPLAUSE 609 00:34:53,820 --> 00:34:57,340 GABBY: They know Danny so well! 610 00:34:57,340 --> 00:35:00,220 SEAN: And also, he wants to know what's going on. 611 00:35:00,220 --> 00:35:02,100 Have you ever been on Question Time, Danny? 612 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:05,460 No, no, they won't have me on there, for some reason. I've no idea why. 613 00:35:05,460 --> 00:35:07,820 I'll tell you why. Bunch of slags. 614 00:35:07,820 --> 00:35:10,180 LAUGHTER 615 00:35:10,180 --> 00:35:14,180 OK, next question. What's the missing word in this tweet? 616 00:35:16,700 --> 00:35:19,660 Easy, this one, easy. It's obvious. 617 00:35:19,660 --> 00:35:21,300 OK, Gabby, what have you written down? 618 00:35:21,300 --> 00:35:23,780 Baps. 619 00:35:23,780 --> 00:35:27,380 If we didn't have baps, we could never enjoy eating a sandwich. 620 00:35:27,380 --> 00:35:29,580 OK. Joe? 621 00:35:29,580 --> 00:35:33,580 I put a mouth. 622 00:35:34,260 --> 00:35:38,260 APPLAUSE 623 00:35:38,780 --> 00:35:40,460 You make a strong case. Sean? 624 00:35:40,460 --> 00:35:44,460 Chairs. 625 00:35:44,860 --> 00:35:47,700 You can't eat a sandwich standing up. 626 00:35:47,700 --> 00:35:48,860 Danny, what was the answer? 627 00:35:48,860 --> 00:35:52,460 Thumbs. 628 00:35:52,460 --> 00:35:55,780 SEAN: Half a point, half a point! 629 00:35:55,780 --> 00:35:58,260 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 630 00:35:58,260 --> 00:36:00,500 Because if you didn't have any thumbs, you'd be fucked. 631 00:36:00,500 --> 00:36:02,460 How would you hold it? 632 00:36:02,460 --> 00:36:06,460 - No, quite right. - And I'm glad you shared that with the nation! 633 00:36:06,940 --> 00:36:09,900 OK, question number three in the Danny Dyer bonus quiz. 634 00:36:09,900 --> 00:36:11,540 This is an interesting fact about Danny. 635 00:36:11,540 --> 00:36:13,980 Why does Danny think he's middle-class? 636 00:36:13,980 --> 00:36:16,100 OK? So, why does Danny believe, 637 00:36:16,100 --> 00:36:18,500 incorrectly, that he's middle-class? 638 00:36:18,500 --> 00:36:20,540 LAUGHTER 639 00:36:20,540 --> 00:36:22,420 Don't want to be fucking middle-class. 640 00:36:22,420 --> 00:36:26,420 - Well, you thought you were. - Well, I was for about a half-hour. 641 00:36:26,740 --> 00:36:29,540 Why does Danny believe he is middle-class? Gabby? 642 00:36:29,540 --> 00:36:32,300 Because he has thumbs. 643 00:36:32,300 --> 00:36:33,540 - Joe? - I've put, 644 00:36:33,540 --> 00:36:37,540 cos he's got a pull-out dining room table. 645 00:36:37,660 --> 00:36:40,940 - Sean, what have you got? - Small telly. 646 00:36:40,940 --> 00:36:43,620 - He thinks he's middle-class because he has a small telly? - Yes. 647 00:36:43,620 --> 00:36:46,020 Or a big telly? The more money you've got, the bigger telly. 648 00:36:46,020 --> 00:36:47,980 No, there's a certain point at which you go posh 649 00:36:47,980 --> 00:36:49,380 and you just have a little telly. 650 00:36:49,380 --> 00:36:50,820 - SEAN: Yeah. - What the fuck? 651 00:36:50,820 --> 00:36:52,580 LAUGHTER 652 00:36:52,580 --> 00:36:54,860 Danny, why did you believe yourself to be middle-class? 653 00:36:54,860 --> 00:36:58,860 Because my wife bought cinnamon=scented toilet paper once. 654 00:37:00,980 --> 00:37:04,940 So... So I was wiping me arse, and me arse smelt of cinnamon. 655 00:37:04,940 --> 00:37:07,020 So I thought... 656 00:37:07,020 --> 00:37:08,620 I thought that was quite middle-class. 657 00:37:08,620 --> 00:37:11,300 I kept getting a little hint of it now and then, a little twang of it. 658 00:37:11,300 --> 00:37:14,260 - I thought, oh, yeah. - LAUGHTER 659 00:37:14,260 --> 00:37:16,980 They do any other flavours, like Marmite? 660 00:37:16,980 --> 00:37:19,540 "Flavours?" 661 00:37:19,540 --> 00:37:23,540 I like the oxtail soup one. 662 00:37:25,740 --> 00:37:28,660 OK, well, Sean, you won the quiz, so that's five bonus points to you. 663 00:37:28,660 --> 00:37:29,900 - Well done. - Thank you. 664 00:37:29,900 --> 00:37:31,740 APPLAUSE 665 00:37:31,740 --> 00:37:34,140 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 666 00:37:34,140 --> 00:37:36,980 OK, on with the game. Joe and Gabby, your turn to choose the letters. 667 00:37:36,980 --> 00:37:38,220 Erm... 668 00:37:38,220 --> 00:37:39,660 Consonant, please. 669 00:37:39,660 --> 00:37:41,340 Thank you, Joe. 670 00:37:41,340 --> 00:37:42,660 N 671 00:37:42,660 --> 00:37:46,100 And then could I have a vowel, please. 672 00:37:46,100 --> 00:37:47,340 I 673 00:37:47,340 --> 00:37:48,660 Consonant, please. 674 00:37:48,660 --> 00:37:49,900 R 675 00:37:49,900 --> 00:37:51,460 And a vowel. 676 00:37:51,460 --> 00:37:52,700 E 677 00:37:52,700 --> 00:37:53,820 Consonant. 678 00:37:53,820 --> 00:37:54,860 C 679 00:37:54,860 --> 00:37:56,100 Vowel. 680 00:37:56,100 --> 00:37:57,140 A 681 00:37:57,140 --> 00:37:58,700 Consonant, please. 682 00:37:58,700 --> 00:38:00,060 D 683 00:38:00,060 --> 00:38:01,620 Consonant, please. 684 00:38:01,620 --> 00:38:02,660 L 685 00:38:02,660 --> 00:38:04,980 DAVID: It's IRELAND! It's nearly IRELAND! 686 00:38:04,980 --> 00:38:06,820 LAUGHTER 687 00:38:06,820 --> 00:38:09,180 SEAN: What do we need? What do we need? 688 00:38:09,180 --> 00:38:10,540 It's there. It's IRELAND. It's there. 689 00:38:10,540 --> 00:38:11,820 - It's there! - IRELAND's there. 690 00:38:11,820 --> 00:38:13,340 Get the dancers back out! 691 00:38:13,340 --> 00:38:16,220 APPLAUSE 692 00:38:16,220 --> 00:38:17,660 I'll have a consonant, please. 693 00:38:17,660 --> 00:38:18,860 And the last one... 694 00:38:18,860 --> 00:38:22,620 - R - All I can see is bloody IRELAND now. 695 00:38:22,620 --> 00:38:26,620 OK, your time starts...now. 696 00:38:54,980 --> 00:38:57,300 OK. Joe, how many? 697 00:38:57,300 --> 00:38:58,900 I just... I could only... 698 00:38:58,900 --> 00:39:01,620 - I could only see IRELAND. - LAUGHTER 699 00:39:01,620 --> 00:39:03,180 - OK, Gabby, how did you do? - Seven. 700 00:39:03,180 --> 00:39:06,060 - Seven? - Wow, very good. - Pretty good. 701 00:39:06,060 --> 00:39:07,580 I don't know if mine is a real word. 702 00:39:07,580 --> 00:39:09,180 OK. Sean, how many did you get? 703 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:10,340 Six. 704 00:39:10,340 --> 00:39:11,980 - Danny? - I only got a four. 705 00:39:11,980 --> 00:39:13,100 What was your four? 706 00:39:13,100 --> 00:39:14,180 LEAN 707 00:39:14,180 --> 00:39:15,620 Could have put a C on the front. 708 00:39:15,620 --> 00:39:17,100 CLEAN. Bollocks. Yeah. 709 00:39:17,100 --> 00:39:18,900 LAUGHTER 710 00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:22,900 APPLAUSE 711 00:39:23,900 --> 00:39:25,620 - Sean, your six? - CRADLE 712 00:39:25,620 --> 00:39:26,740 SUSIE: (It is in there.) 713 00:39:26,740 --> 00:39:27,860 CRADLE 714 00:39:27,860 --> 00:39:30,060 Gabby, your risky seven? 715 00:39:30,060 --> 00:39:31,380 Go on, do it. 716 00:39:31,380 --> 00:39:32,500 CRADLER 717 00:39:32,500 --> 00:39:35,820 Oh, that's lovely! 718 00:39:35,820 --> 00:39:37,260 That's not a word. Surely not. 719 00:39:37,260 --> 00:39:39,580 - Yeah, someone who cradles. - That's the stewards, that is. 720 00:39:39,580 --> 00:39:41,620 Susie, we're going to require a stewards' enquiry. 721 00:39:41,620 --> 00:39:43,300 Yeah, it's not there, Gabby. 722 00:39:43,300 --> 00:39:44,980 - DANNY: Ahhh! - Ohhh! 723 00:39:44,980 --> 00:39:46,460 Dammit. What about IRELAND? 724 00:39:46,460 --> 00:39:48,460 LAUGHTER 725 00:39:48,460 --> 00:39:51,220 Because when people play, like, games with nets, 726 00:39:51,220 --> 00:39:53,140 and they're cradling the ball, 727 00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:54,980 like in lacrosse, you cradle the ball. 728 00:39:54,980 --> 00:39:57,060 - Would they not be a CRADLER? - SUSIE: Yeah, it's... 729 00:39:57,060 --> 00:39:59,300 That's the example of cradling a ball you can think of? 730 00:39:59,300 --> 00:40:02,260 LAUGHTER 731 00:40:02,260 --> 00:40:03,860 OK. Six points to Sean. 732 00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:07,860 - APPLAUSE - Go on, my son. Go on, my old son. 733 00:40:08,140 --> 00:40:10,180 David, Susie, I look to you. 734 00:40:10,180 --> 00:40:12,780 Yeah, there's sevens. 735 00:40:12,780 --> 00:40:15,820 There is CARRIED, which is a seven-letter. 736 00:40:15,820 --> 00:40:18,420 CARLINE, which is a... 737 00:40:18,420 --> 00:40:20,180 - Thistle. - A thistle, Of course. 738 00:40:20,180 --> 00:40:22,060 My favourite of all the thistles. 739 00:40:22,060 --> 00:40:26,060 And then, RANDIER is when you're more randy than someone else. 740 00:40:29,100 --> 00:40:30,900 Like, if there's two people called Randy, 741 00:40:30,900 --> 00:40:34,900 but one of them is even more American. 742 00:40:34,980 --> 00:40:36,220 OK, so at the end of that, 743 00:40:36,220 --> 00:40:38,460 Sean and Danny are in the lead with 30 points. 744 00:40:38,460 --> 00:40:41,860 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 745 00:40:41,860 --> 00:40:43,500 I'm going to get a nine later. 746 00:40:43,500 --> 00:40:45,260 And here's your final teaser. 747 00:40:45,260 --> 00:40:48,100 The words are TOSS RACE. The clue is, don't leave any stains. 748 00:40:48,100 --> 00:40:50,180 That's TOSS RACE - don't leave any stains. 749 00:40:50,180 --> 00:40:51,340 See you after the break. 750 00:40:51,340 --> 00:40:52,040 APPLAUSE 751 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,320 Welcome back. The answer to the teaser - 752 00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:58,880 the words were TOSS RACE, the clue was don't leave any stains, 753 00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:00,360 it was, of course, COASTERS. 754 00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:01,840 OK, time for our final letters game. 755 00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,240 Sean and Danny, your turn to choose the letters. 756 00:41:04,240 --> 00:41:06,280 - Right. - You do it, mate. 757 00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,960 Joe, Gabby, you need a nine-letter word here to do this. 758 00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:10,360 Nine letters, we double the score, 759 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:11,920 you get 18 and you're back in the game. 760 00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:14,400 That's all of them, innit? 761 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,920 All of them in a different order. 762 00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:17,440 LAUGHTER 763 00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:19,560 I was that close, I was that close. 764 00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,440 - Vowel, please. - Starting with... 765 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:22,520 E 766 00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:23,760 Consonant, please. 767 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:24,800 T 768 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,120 Vowel. 769 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:27,400 O 770 00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:28,440 Consonant. 771 00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:29,480 X 772 00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:30,520 Ah, for fu... 773 00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:32,680 Get rid of the X, get rid of the X. No-one likes the X. 774 00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:33,720 Didn't happen. 775 00:41:33,720 --> 00:41:34,800 Consonant, please. 776 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:35,840 W 777 00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:36,880 Vowel. 778 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:37,960 A 779 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:39,520 Consonant, please. 780 00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:40,880 T 781 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:43,640 LAUGHTER 782 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,440 Consonant. 783 00:41:46,440 --> 00:41:49,080 JOE LAUGHS 784 00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,320 Consonant, please, Rachel. 785 00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:52,760 H 786 00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,640 Consonant, please. 787 00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:56,000 L 788 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:59,720 - And I'll have a vowel, please. - And the last one... 789 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:01,000 A 790 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:05,000 OK and your 30 seconds starts now. 791 00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,000 Ahhh! 792 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:19,360 LAUGHTER 793 00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:23,360 Oh! Oh, oh, oh. 794 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:27,640 JIMMY GROANS 795 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:33,200 RACHEL YELLS 796 00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:35,640 LAUGHTER 797 00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:37,480 Sorry, Rachel. 798 00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:40,640 APPLAUSE 799 00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:44,640 Sorry. 800 00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:50,440 OK, Danny, how many? 801 00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:52,160 Eh, five. 802 00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:53,320 Sean, how many? 803 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:54,560 Just sixes. 804 00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,080 - Joe? - Nine. 805 00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:57,720 LAUGHTER 806 00:42:57,720 --> 00:42:59,600 - OK, Gabby? - Five. 807 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:02,440 I thought I had a nine but there's just an E missing. 808 00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:03,640 OK, Gabby, what did you get? 809 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:04,800 LATHE 810 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:06,440 - OK, Danny? - WHEAT. 811 00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:09,240 - WHEAT? - Yeah. 812 00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:10,400 OK, Sean, your six? 813 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:11,840 WATTLE 814 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,560 Mm, this thing. 815 00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,240 - That's good. - Which I'm getting. 816 00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:17,680 OK, Joe, your nine-letter word? 817 00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:19,840 It is risky. 818 00:43:19,840 --> 00:43:21,840 LAUGHTER 819 00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:23,840 ETOWHATLA 820 00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:27,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 821 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:34,960 Congratulations, Joe. 822 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:38,920 - How are you spelling that, Joe? - It's how it sounds. - Ah. 823 00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:41,840 - It's phonetic. - E-T-O-W... 824 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,600 Oh, is there a W? Yeah, there's a W. 825 00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:47,160 I thought there wasn't a W there for a second. 826 00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:50,720 LAUGHTER 827 00:43:50,720 --> 00:43:54,720 Hang on, hang on! She's just skipped one. Go at it with the pen cam. 828 00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:58,360 There is, I think, one there. 829 00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:02,360 LAUGHTER 830 00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:09,320 OK, six points to Sean. 831 00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:12,560 Absolutely fucking brilliant. 832 00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:14,480 Could they have done any better, David, Susie? 833 00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:16,840 - No, I think six was... - Yeah. 834 00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,320 WATTLE is good. 835 00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,480 OK, so Joe and Gabby have 11, Sean and Danny have 36. 836 00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:23,680 11's my lucky number. 837 00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:26,400 APPLAUSE 838 00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:27,920 Oh! OK, what have we got to do now? 839 00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:29,760 OK, you've got to just get the conundrum. 840 00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:30,840 BOTH: Oh! 841 00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:34,840 I can't do the c... It genuinely makes me feel seasick. 842 00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:38,880 OK, fingers on buzzers. It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum. 843 00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:42,880 And your time starts now. 844 00:44:45,240 --> 00:44:46,280 BELL 845 00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:47,440 Oh, piss off. 846 00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:49,200 LAUGHTER 847 00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:50,560 SUFFERING 848 00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:52,600 - GABBY: Oh! - APPLAUSE 849 00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:56,520 Let's have a look and see if you're right. 850 00:44:56,520 --> 00:44:58,320 CHEERING 851 00:44:58,320 --> 00:44:59,480 Four seconds in. 852 00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:00,960 Well played, Gabby. 853 00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:03,520 So the final scores are Gabby and Joe have 11 points 854 00:45:03,520 --> 00:45:05,960 but the winners, with an incredible 46, 855 00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:07,280 Sean and Danny! 856 00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:09,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 857 00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:11,840 Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this - 858 00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:13,680 the Countdown keytar! 859 00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:16,080 Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience 860 00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:17,560 and to all of you for watching at home. 861 00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:19,280 That's it from us, goodnight! 862 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:23,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 863 00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:52,800 Subtitles by Ericsson