(BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYING)
MR KHAN: Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
They all know me! You like my suit?
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Number one, Citizen Khan.
Assalam-alaikum, Britain.
Mr Khan speaking.
Welcome to my BoobTube channel.
I know the country's gone to pot now a woman's running it,
but don't worry, I'm here.
Now, in today's video,
I'm going to teach you about the lessons in love.
Are you watching?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sweetie, darling,
I am very sorry.
I didn't mean to treat you like that,
and I promise I won't do it again.
Please forgive me.
How about a kiss?
(SMOOCHING)
So, why did the man who bought the car bring it back again?
Well, lucky for me, it broke down at the end of the road.
And you know the best thing? No refunds.
(CACKLES)
Got to go. Bye!
Come on! Get cleaning, huh!
It's the cricket today.
I want this car looking brand new.
And don't forget to wash into my under-body.
That hasn't been done for a while, huh!
What are you doing?
Well, that was all the water. Can you get us some more?
Er, not right now, Dave. (CLEARS THROAT)
Mr Khan can't go in the house.
Shut up, Amjad! Yes, I can.
I'm the man of the house and I can do whatever I want.
Not today, though, Mrs Khan said. (CHUCKLES)
Listen, Dave, in our culture,
the men wear the trousers, all right?
(WHISPERS) Bangladeshi.
Sorry?
- (WHISPERS) Bangladeshi. - He said, "Bangladeshi."
Water?
All right, all right. Here, hold this.
(GRUNTING)
Tuhadi!
It must be jammed.
I think Mrs Khan's locked you out.
Well, that's not possible.
It is. You just do the second lock.
Second lock? Why would she do that?
- What? - Window.
If you breathe in, you could get through that.
Oh, is that the time? The cricket's on. Come on.
Everyone in the car! Chalo, chalo, chalo!
(MR KHAN CLEARING THROAT)
Mrs Kominski, I'm so glad you wanted to hold the meeting here.
I've made my own Pakistani version of Victoria sponge cake.
(ALL EXCLAIMING WITH DELIGHT)
It's like a normal Victoria sponge cake
with added spice, fresh garlic and garam masala.
So, our first item on the agenda is fundraising for the nursery.
Sorry, Nadiya didn't want to go down for her nap.
I'm not surprised.
- She hasn't got her favourite blanket. - Oh.
And she normally doesn't go down this early.
- Right. - Is this your home help?
What? No, I'm Shazia.
- Sorry, who? - Nadiya's mother.
- What about Mo? - He's mine, too.
Sorry, I hardly know any of you.
I'm normally at work by 8:30.
By the way, Mo's the one with all the hair, yeah?
(RADIO CHATTER)
I still don't understand. Why would Mrs Khan do the second lock?
Blooming hell, Dave!
What's with all the questions? Who are you, Ginger Luther?
Look, Dave, it's all fine.
Mrs Khan is just worried about security.
Since the Brexits,
the Polish are trying to take everything back with them before they leave.
- I like the Polish. - What?
I'm going to miss them.
My Polish friends down the internet caff have been teaching me the Polish.
Right.
(SPEAKING IN POLISH)
- Blimey! - Very impressive.
What does it mean?
"Hello."
Is this how it's written?
- These yours? - Yes!
- Can I have one? - No.
This yours?
Yes!
Spend a lot of time in this car, do you?
Maybe. I'm always on the move, aren't I?
- These yours? - Yes!
What about these?
Give me them!
Mr Khan, have you been sleeping in the car?
(LAUGHING)
Don't be ridiculous.
Are these your pyjamas, sir?
Of course not.
(HESITATING) That's Aston Villa's new away kit.
Is everything okay at home?
Look, Dave, it's all fine.
Mrs Khan just got annoyed at one or two of my habits,
so I decided to give her some space
and just sleep in the car for a couple of nights.
Perfectly normal.
ALL: Perfectly.
- Clearing your throat? - What?
Your annoying habit.
- Clearing your throat thing? - What clearing the throat thing?
(HAWKING LOUDLY)
Was it... the toenail clippings?
I cleared them up. I put them in the mug!
I didn't know it was her tea.
ALL: Ugh!
Oh, chup! It was just a silly argument.
Yeah. It's not like you forgot your wedding anniversary.
Exactly!
Oh, tuhadi!
You forgot your wedding anniversary, sir?
- That's pretty serious. - Explains a lot.
Oh, God!
If you ask me, you should get in there and make amends.
But I'm not aksing you, am I, Dave?
So what are you gonna do?
(SIGHS) I'm gonna get in there and make amends.
Er, shouldn't you be at work?
No, Nadiya's nursery is far more important.
Beti, you don't have to stay.
- I'm sure I can man... - It's fine.
Well, I look forward to your contribution.
- Sharia. - Shazia.
Yes.
We have decided that we need something that will appeal to the dads this year.
Unfortunately, there are no men here to ask...
Hello, sweetie!
What are you doing?
I'm so sorry, Mrs Kominski.
Mrs Kominski! Polish! Hang on. Amjad!
(GRUNTING AND PANTING)
(READING POLISH)
What?
Keep pushing, Riaz!
(YELLING)
Sweetie, this is for you.
I have had enough!
- But, sweetie! - Get out!
Hang on! How did you lot get in?
I've got keys to both locks.
Out. Out!
Out? Out? Has the cricket match already started?
Oh, God!
How could I forget our wedding anniversary?
What are we gonna do now?
Go to the cricket at Edgbaston.
They sent a pair of tickets to the mosque.
Dave, Mrs Khan hates cricket.
No, you misunderstand. I'm taking Riaz.
Oh, I see.
You'd rather go to the cricket than help a friend in need?
Yup.
Hang on. Why didn't you ask me?
You just don't want me sitting next to you
when Pakistan beat England.
Right.
And anyway, if England do win, which they won't,
it's only because they've got Moeen Ali playing for them, huh?
So Pakistan win either way.
Except Moeen was actually born in England.
Sparkhill, to be precise.
I've seen him at the mosque a couple of times.
Said hello to him once.
(MOCKING) "I've seen him at the mosque a couple of times.
"Said hello to him once."
Big deal.
Everyone knows Moeen Ali.
- Do you know Moeen Ali, sir? - Hmm?
Of course!
Me and Moeeny, we're like best friends.
I've even showed him my googlies!
That is close.
- Come on. - Oh, that's right.
Off you go.
Leave me to face the wrath of Mrs Khan.
She's impossible when she's like this.
Like a bull about to charge.
Like she's got steam coming out of her nostrils!
With her horns heading straight for my...
She's behind me, isn't she?
Yes. Assalam-alaikum, Mrs Khan.
Er, more on Mrs Theresa Mays later.
Er, hello, sweetie.
Sweetie...
I'm sorry.
You know, I'll do anything for you.
Anything at all. You name it, I'll do it.
No expense spared.
But go easy on the biscuits though, huh?
Sweetie, please, let me help you. Please, let me...
So, ladies, any ideas?
Here we are.
Mrs Khan's got the biscuits
and I've got the drinks.
I know how thirsty you womens get with all the talking you do.
I'm so sorry about my husband, everyone.
Everyone, this is my husband, Amjad.
He's a policeman.
I'm "policed" to meet you too. (LAUGHING)
Maybe Amjad's got some ideas for the fundraising
that will appeal to the dads?
- Nowadays, it's all about celebrities... - Oh, me, me, me.
Mr Khan knows a celebrity.
Moeen Ali.
Moeen Ali?
He's a cricketer. My husband is a big fan.
Does Mr Khan really know Moeen Ali?
He showed him his googlies!
Er, googlies are balls.
I think it's a great idea.
Is it? What is?
We should get Moeen Ali involved.
Maybe you could get a bat signed, then auction it.
My husband would definitely bid for a signed bat.
Hang on a minute!
Wouldn't it be even better
if we had a celebrity appearance from Moeen Ali?
What?
Yeah, that would be even better.
And you can make that happen, can't you?
Can I?
I mean, may I?
It would be my pleasure.
Just a bat is fine.
We wouldn't want to take up too much of Moeen's time.
Nonsense! He's a local boy.
He'll just need a bit of persuasion.
Just a bit?
You said you would do anything for me.
I was thinking chocolates.
Or flowers.
Chocolate, mainly.
But I want this.
No problem, sweetie.
But just a thought.
Are you sure you wouldn't want Benny from Crossroads instead?
I mean, he's probably available.
ALL: No.
Okay. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Come on!
Amjad, you idiot!
Why did you say that I know Moeen Ali?
You said you wanted to get into Mrs Khan's good books
and you said you know him really well.
I don't know him.
I might have met his dad.
Once. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Or at least I think it was him.
Brown. Big beard.
They all look the same!
Like a loud blooming sheep.
(BLEATING)
So, you don't know him.
Maybe we should just tell them we can't do it.
Brilliant. That's it.
Let's go and tell a room full of women that they can't have what they want.
They'll understand, won't they?
No. There must be some way of getting Moeen Ali.
(GASPS)
- Yes? - I just had a thought.
Go on.
I have to go to work.
Perfect.
You just desert me, too.
I might as well go and sit in my car
and comfort myself with a packet of custard creams.
Riaz ate all your biscuits.
The greedy, thieving...
Sir, I really have to get to work now.
Fine.
I'm sorry, sir. It's just...
They need extra police at the Edgbaston.
Pakistan are playing England today.
Say that again.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just, they need extra police at the Edgbaston...
Amjad! Amjad! Amjad! Amjad! Amjad! Amjad!
You're my favourite son-in-law!
I'm your only son-in-law.
You're my favourite only son-in-law!
- Am I? Wow! - (LAUGHS)
Come on!
JONATHAN AGNEW: (ON RADIO) A very good morning,
and welcome to Edgbaston.
Conditions are looking ideal here in Birmingham
for the start of the third test between England and Pakistan.
We're looking forward to a great day's cricket, aren't we, Michael?
Yeah, certainly are. England versus Pakistan.
Two great teams. Full house. Can't wait.
- I'm really not sure about this, sir. - Chillax, Amjad.
I'll come in with you. It's all about confidence.
Be confident.
Exude confidence.
- But, sir! - OFFICER: Oi!
Where'd do you think you're going?
I'm with him.
Is he?
Where are you taking him?
To the cricket?
Yeah, I can see that.
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Confidence. Confidence.
Sorry, I mean...
I'm confident I'm taking Mr Khan to the cricket.
Mr Khan?
That's right. I'm undercover.
Plainclothes.
Look at them. They're really plain.
All right, Amjad.
Well, there's no record of any plainclothes on the grounds today.
- Oh, look, it's WG Grace! - What?
Where's he gone?
I don't think WG Grace was really there.
Mr Khan was just trying to distract you.
I was thinking, if we're having a celebrity appearance
we'll need to make an evening of it.
Yeah, I could do some food.
No, no, no. I can do the food.
I mean, you won't have time, will you, darling?
- What with your work and the kids... - I can handle it.
Shall I wash this up?
- I'll take it. - I'll get it! Oh!
- Sorry! I'll help you. - BOTH: I'll do that!
I'll leave you to it.
Mum, why are you being like this?
Like what, beti?
Constantly trying to pull one over on me.
Fighting me for a tray.
Nicking my broom.
I'm just trying to be helpful, beti.
And I'm just trying to make friends with these mums.
I was thinking of cutting down my hours so I could be around more.
But it looks like you don't need me.
And I just feel so guilty all the time.
I feel guilty when I'm at work,
I feel guilty when I'm at home,
I feel guilty that I'm a bad mother.
Now you're making me feel guilty!
And now I feel even more guilty!
So do I!
I just worry that if you cut down your hours,
you won't need me, the other mums won't need me,
and then I'll just be a lonely, old grandmother.
- Oh, Mum! - (SOBBING)
I didn't realise. I'm sorry.
(BOTH SOBBING)
Look at us two.
Mum...
It doesn't matter if I work or stop work.
I will always need you.
Oh, thank you, Shazia.
(SNIFFLES) And you should help with the fundraiser.
I just want what's best for you and Mo and Nadiya.
I know.
- What about Dad? - I'm not worried about him.
No, I mean, is he going to get Moeen Ali?
Ah, you just leave him to me.
Okay, Mum.
And, Mum, thank you for everything.
You're just so good with the kids.
- (BABY CRYING OVER MONITOR) - Shut up, Nadiya.
ALL: (CLAMOURING) Moeen! Moeen!
- Oh... - (MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
Hello, sweetie.
- Now, listen. - But, sweetie...
Just listen.
You're going to get Moeen Ali to come to the nursery, okay?
Yes, if that's what my sweetie wants, that's what my sweetie gets.
So, whatever you're doing, stop it and go and find Moeen Ali.
- Chillax, sweetie. - Have you spoken to him?
- No. - Why not?
Well, I was going to, but then you called!
Get off the phone then!
I am trying to!
(GROANS) Stupid woman.
Oh, tuhadi! Moeen! Moeen!
Oh, God! No.
I'm looking for a Mr Khan.
Mr Khan?
Yes, that's me.
Citizen Khan, at your service.
You need to leave, sir, come on.
But, hang on, I'm the mayor of London.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Hold on. Let's take a selfie.
I'm community leader, too. Khan.
K-H for "hat", A for "Asian" N for "knowledge".
(CHUCKLES)
Brilliant!
Oh, God!
A-ha!
A-ha. Moeen will be in there.
Oh, tuhadi!
Are you one of the players?
- What? - One of the players?
Yes. Pakistani one.
- What's your name? - Khan.
Imran Khan.
You don't look like Imran Khan.
(IMITATING IMRAN KHAN) Yeah. I've really let myself go.
Losing Jemima hit me really hard.
Can I have a selfie?
Okay.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - (CHUCKLES)
£2.
Times are really hard.
Come on. Come on. Come on!
Thank you. Now clear off. Come on.
Haven't you got a paper route to do? Come on, come on.
(DOOR OPENING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(RADIO CHATTER)
- Amjad! - (CRIES OUT)
- You gave me a fright. - (SIGHS)
Everyone's looking for you, sir.
Maybe you should turn yourself in.
Amjad, this is important.
I need to make things up with Mrs Khan.
Come on, help me get my pads off, huh?
- (GRUNTING) - We'd better be quick, sir.
The call's gone out for a Pakistani man with a beard and a funny accent.
This is Birmingham. I'll be fine.
Wearing a tatty old suit from the 1970s.
What?
Oh, tuhadi!
Oh, God.
Right, I'll tell you what. Hold that there. Hold on.
I'll just put this on. Simple.
No problem. They'll never know.
Here, hold this.
Oh, God. Oh...
Tatty old suit of the '70s? How dare they?
I bought that from an Italian china designer.
(PANTING)
Oh.
I'm not wearing any underpants.
Sleeping in the car, you see.
Turn around.
What are you doing?
OFFICER: (OVER RADIO) Attention, all officers.
The man with the old tatty suit was just seen impersonating a cricketer
in the dressing rooms.
Oh, tuhadi!
What am I going to do?
Oh...
I think they're coming!
Hang on! (GROANS) I've got to get Moeen Ali.
Take my shirt off. (GRUNTS)
One second... (STRAINING)
(UNZIPPING)
Nearly there. Nearly there.
Hold on. (STRAINING)
Now, pass me the tracksuit.
I'm going to get into so much trouble.
(RADIO CHATTER APPROACHING)
Okay. We know you're in there.
Come out nice and slowly with your hands where I can see them.
Not you.
Come on out!
Where is he?
(FLUSHING)
Oh, tuhadi!
Right, all units, keep looking for an Asian male,
no longer in a tatty old suit.
In fact... What is he wearing?
(DOG BARKING)
(DOG GROWLING)
Oh!
I mean, he's clearly got problems at home.
Sleeping in the car,
claims he knows Moeen Ali.
I think he's starting to fall apart.
Maybe we should be more considerate.
Custard cream?
(CROWD CHEERING)
- Oh, no! - What's he doing?
Showing us his googlies.
Oh, dear, I'm afraid we've got a rather unwelcome guest on the field.
He's showing us far more than we want to see.
Imagine that on 52-inch wide screen.
So, we should probably think of some other ideas
in case Mr Khan cannot manage to get Moeen Ali.
No, Mum spoke to him on the phone
when he was actually with the man himself.
- Oh, yeah? - Really?
It's true!
He's probably sitting on the balcony with the whole England team.
Yes, he probably broke in through the window.
Mum! We need to put the telly on.
TV PRESENTER: And finally, the crowd at the test match at Edgbaston
got rather more than they bargained for today...
- (GASPS) ...when a very unusual twelfth man
stepped to the field.
He managed to slip past Security,
but was quickly apprehended by local law enforcement officers.
- Play was held up several minutes... - Brilliant!
Well, I can see why you try to keep him locked out of the house.
But maybe he should be locked up!
Is that Amjad?
Nice helmet.
... later identified as Sparkhill resident and community leader,
Mr Khan.
Apparently, they all know him.
(HAWKING)
Hello, sweetie! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
You're always saying I should take up running.
Get some fresh air.
Well, that was a start.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Say something.
Idiot.
Something else?
- Sorry. - I said I'm sorry.
No, I'm saying I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
What for? Is this a trap?
No.
A dream?
No.
A hidden camera TV show.
(MUFFLED) Hello? Is anyone there?
No, I'm sorry because I've been cross with you
when you haven't done anything wrong.
But I forgot our wedding anniversary.
Our wedding anniversary? When was that?
What?
I've been stressed about this women's group meeting all week
and I've been taking it out on you.
I just want to be part of Nadiya and Mo's lives.
In a way, this whole Moeen Ali thing is my fault.
Sweetie, you don't need to say that.
But, please, do go on.
I shouldn't have made you sleep in the car.
We shouldn't argue like this.
I'm sorry for being short with you.
That's okay, sweetie.
I love you for being short.
- That's who you are. Mmm? - Dad!
- Listen, Shazia, I'm sorry about... - Never mind about that.
Mrs Kominski wants to know if you can make it to the nursery fundraiser.
No way! I'm not made of money.
It's not that.
Everybody wants an appearance from the Sparkhill Streaker.
You're trending on Twitter!
Oh! Did you hear that? (LAUGHS)
Maybe it's my time to make a celebrity appearance, huh?
I should get my suit cleaned.
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
No need.
They don't want to see you in the suit.
(BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYING)
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll January 2017
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll Released on www.Addic7ed.com