You see Videodrome yet?
It's all this big trenchant warning about
addiction to television.
Hey, we don't need a warning, we're here.
Dystopia is here, Ben.
But you should check out the earlier stuff,
like the body horror of Shivers,
'cause they're infected with this parasite
that makes them hyper-erotic.
But they don't want to say anything about it
to each other, because they're too polite.
You know what I mean?
Now that's a movie that is profoundly Canadian.
What, can I help you?
Uh, I'm looking for someone named Travis.
You're not serving a subpoena, are you?
No.
Oh, then you got him. I'm Travis.
Oh, I'm David Myers.
A guy I know named Barry said I should look you up.
Barry?
Barry, no.
I don't know any Barrys, sorry.
He's a photographer.
Mustache. Drives an El Camino.
You just described the Boston Strangler.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm sorry to bother you.
Wait, wait, wait. I'm just messing with you, kid.
Barry told me you'd be coming by.
- Yeah? Awesome. - Yeah.
So I understand you'd like to log some time
on an editing deck.
I can't pay much, but yeah.
I wouldn't worry about it.
So here we go.
We make six programs a week.
Local call-in shows, infomercials,
ads for 1-900 sex lines.
Our viewers are shut-ins, insomniacs,
stoner kids, people contemplating suicide.
guys who are too ashamed to rent porn.
Cool.
So, how do you know my man Barry?
It's a long story.
Really? Well, Cliff Notes it for me.
He's marrying my ex-girlfriend.
- Navajo brothers. - Huh?
You know, shelter in the same wigwam.
Never thought of it that way.
All right, here we go.
Welcome to the Thunderdome.
What's that smell?
Uh, someone's dreams dying.
Or a decomposing mess. We're overrun.
Oh.
Anyway, have fun.
If you need me, I'll be in my office
lamenting my life choices.
Or maybe jerking off, so knock.
I had such a nice time.
Me, too.
I mean, the Chinese food was really spicy.
I know.
Should we get, like, a coffee or something?
Oh, um, thanks.
I have to get up early to show a house in the morning.
Totally fine. Maybe next time?
Yeah, that would be nice.
This is me.
Oh, um, well...
I'm over there.
Well, good night.
Night.
Heh!
Oh my God.
What am I looking at?
It's a bris, you know, the Jewish ritual.
Oh, yeah. Kinky.
I guess.
Yeah. People have no idea what kind of freaky shit goes down in the burbs.
But I know.
I worked at Fotomat.
Well, go on, show me more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it.
I like how you cut from the baby
to grandpa crying like a little bitch.
And then nervous dad to Xanax'd mom.
Then back to the wide shot, establish the scene.
Tells a story.
Yeah, that's pretty good stuff.
Thanks.
Oh, shit, is that the time?
No, that's a little fast.
I need to go teach a tennis lesson.
Any chance I can come back?
You know, another time to finish?
I'll tell you what.
I can give you a few hours in here whenever you need,
if you'll log these old tapes for me.
Deal?
- Deal! - All right.
Mackerel and...
Super supper.
Chicken and liver and kidney?
Looks good.
Liver, egg and bacon?
Whoa!
What kind?
Sorry?
What kind of cat?
You know, whatever the cat equivalent of a mutt is.
She's yea big, claws.
Likes milk.
My name's Sam, by the way.
Agatha.
Agatha, wow.
There's a name you don't here too often.
I hate it.
No, you shouldn't.
No, it's just, you know... today, it's...
It's an unusual name.
You come in here a lot.
Yeah, I live across the way over at Moss Acres.
Me, too. $15.80.
Really? I'm 1230.
No, 15 dollars and 80 cents.
I'm sorry.
Listen, I'm having a little 4th of July party.
You know, a few friends,
gonna crack open a few beers.
Eat some of these dips, maybe light a sparkler or two.
You're more than welcome to come over, you know, when you get off work.
- You got a job? - Yeah, I work for the IRS.
I used to have my own accounting firm,
but then H&R Block came in...
Kids?
Yes, one.
He's grown. Ish.
He lives with me part of the time.
You're divorced?
Almost.
I have plans.
Oh.
Well, maybe some other time.
Pull it over, over.
Boychik, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Are you happy with your penis?
Excuse me?
You know, its sensitivity. Relative ease of cleaning.
On a scale of 1 to 10.
Why are you asking?
I'm considering converting to Judaism.
Things are going that well with Widow Horowitz?
They are.
I suppose my biggest fear
about entering the covenant of circumcision
is I simply won't recognize the little Sultan anymore.
We've been through many a sordid adventure together.
Yeah, it won't look that different.
Let me see yours.
- No. - 10 seconds, that's all I ask.
Forget it. No, no, no, no.
David, as your employer, it is within my rights
to insist you show me your genitals.
I'm leaving now.
Please, please.
I'm begging you.
You know, most friends just ask for help moving.
I can do that too if you need help moving.
Oh, dear Lord.
Your pubes!
They're so thick and lush!
It's like Lincoln's beard.
Magnificent.
Nassar?
Skip.
Just give me the right answers
to the questions with the most points.
Come on, man.
Forget about scores for a minute.
A goal is not always meant to be reached.
It often serves simply as something to aim at.
Anyone, anyone know who said that?
Yes, Tabitha.
Jesus?
Close. Good guess.
It was actually Bruce Lee.
What does that have to do with the SATs?
Bruce Lee's goal wasn't punching some dude in the face.
That's just what he was aiming at so he could get
to something deeper, the truth.
Yo, fuck the truth, man!
I'm just trying to get into Rutgers.
Yeah, if I don't raise my SAT scores,
my dad's gonna go Bruce Lee on my ass.
Come on, guys, I'm just trying to leave you with
something to think about the day after the SATs.
Because tests are just about right answers.
Life is about asking the right questions.
Wow.
Agh!
- Out. - All right. That's enough.
That's game.
How's uh...
How's my baby daughter?
Seen her much lately?
Not as much as I'd like.
She's always working, and when she isn't, she's painting.
She making good tips?
Yeah, decent.
Decent, what do you call decent?
I don't think she'd like me discussing that with you.
Come on.
Throw me a bone here.
Some nights she can make 60 or 70 bucks cash.
Oh...
Do me a favor.
Just get this to her, please?
Give her this.
No, she won't take it.
Don't tell her it's from me.
Then she'll think it's from me, which is weird.
Buy her groceries, or something. I don't know, be creative.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Can you at least give her a message?
Yeah, okay.
Could you tell her we would appreciate a call once in a while?
We've heard from her maybe one time in the last two weeks.
Just so her mother doesn't worry.
All right, and you and I, we're on for lunch Wednesday.
Yeah, sure.
Not that Indian shit again, my stomach's still killing me.
You do know what's going on here, right?
What?
You're being groomed, like a Westminster Shih Tzu.
Groomed for what?
Son-in-law.
No, I'm not.
Why else do you think he would take you
on all these lunches and introduce you around the office?
Because I'm his only link to Skye.
How did your generation get so cynical, I'll never know.
You're wrong. Fortune has smiled upon the both of us.
I plan to recommend you for the job of head pro when I retire.
But it appears that, like me,
you, too, are destined for something greater.
Oh, Misty!
- Right? - Yeah.
I'm Tabitha.
One of Wheeler's students.
Right, hi.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah, what's up?
I've seen you and Wheeler hanging out and stuff,
and I was just wondering, well,
if you're together.
Oh.
Uh...
Not that it's any of my business.
Um, you know,
uh...
We're just friends. Yeah.
Cool.
Why?
I was just curious.
Bye.
What? Tell me.
I've got good news, they came back with a plea deal.
A plea deal?
Fuck that, no.
I'm... I'm not copping a plea.
Doug, listen to me, you can't afford this going to trial.
And if you get convicted,
all those guys on your trading floor will be out on the street.
Oh, please, spare me the guilt trip, all right?
There's not one of those guys that wouldn't
throw me under a bus, given half a chance.
Well, you realize that the state's attorney
can freeze your assets?
Can't do that.
Technically he can.
Can he?
Yep, felonies like securities and mail fraud
can be defined as racketeering.
Racketeering?
That's usually only done in cases of
- narcotics and organized crime. - Yeah.
But it's Giuliani, he's got political ambitions.
He's out collecting scalps.
And he'd like nothing more than to add yours to his collection.
What is he offering?
Six months house arrest with an ankle monitor.
- Okay. - Two years probation.
And a lifetime ban on securities trading.
Fuck.
Think it over.
Discuss it with Fay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And call me.
Nice curving, though.
Oh, I'm so rusty.
Oh, please, it's good when the ball goes over the fence
every once in a while, it shows power in your backhand.
You're just being nice.
Well, I am a little biased.
So are you perchance watching the fireworks with anybody this evening?
Uh, as a matter of fact, I'm not.
Hmm.
Uh, shall we say the fairway at dusk?
I'll bring the bubbly?
That sounds lovely.
All right, who didn't get ice cream?
Here you go, before it melts.
Make sure your dad votes for me.
- You got it. - All right, step on up, everybody.
It's one me, enjoy.
Counting on your vote.
Lenny, I don't have to worry about you, right?
I'm on the fence.
Well, we'll talk.
All right, before it melts, everybody get your ice cream.
Okay.
See you, sweetie.
So?
What'd the lawyer want?
Oh, nothing, just, you know,
bringing me up to date on the case.
And, any news?
Not really.
Well, there was, um...
What?
States attorney is offering a plea deal.
Six months of house arrest with the ankle thingy,
and after that it'd be two years of probation.
That's incredible! My God, that's nothing!
That's a slap on the wrist.
And there's more.
I'd be banned from trading for life.
Oh.
Oh, Dougy.
Yeah.
Take it.
What do you mean, take it?
What are we supposed to do for money?
We'll think of other things to do.
Listen, we got savings,
and the most important thing
is keeping you out of jail.
And our family out of the papers.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Call.
I got trips.
- Oh my God. - Unbelievable.
You're unbelievable.
You fellas must be gluttons for punishment.
Laugh it up, Ricky. You know we work for the IRS.
Yeah, we're going to get 8% of that back.
Come on, Gracie, get out of here.
Get out of here.
Hey, Sam, man, I'm sorry about my cousin Janice standing you up.
Oh, no, that's water under the bridge.
You know, my wife thinks you dodged a bullet.
Yeah, says she's a gold digger.
She can dig however much she wants.
Only gold she's going to find here is in my fillings.
Besides, I want Ricky here to take me to one of his singles bars.
I don't think you'd like the places I hang out, Sam.
Why, too smoky?
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
I don't think I'm much for the single's scene, anyway.
Fellas, I think that the love boat has sailed without me.
Come on, you can't say that, Sam.
No, it's true.
This morning, I meet this woman, okay?
When she finds out that I was divorced,
she looks at me like I have a goiter.
You ask me, you're better off.
Don't listen to Ricky.
There's a lid for every pot.
You just got to keep looking, Sam.
Well, I think I left my lid in Korea.
How's that, Sam?
During the war, there's this girl.
Soon Hi.
I say girl, but I mean, you know,
she's got to be my age now.
I think she was the only woman who ever understood me.
We didn't even speak the same language.
And I would help her with her English, she would teach me how to dance.
The two of us really cut a rug together.
Anyway, who wants some more beer, huh?
Ricky? Glen?
I'll take one.
And try this bean dip.
Come here, Gracie.
Come on, sweetheart. It's my ex's recipe.
It's a six layer dip, but I swear, I could only remember five of them.
Holy shit!
Dude, what the fuck are you wearing?
Skye bought it, it's some designer.
Do you like it?
No, it's hideous, honestly.
Please, you have to take this off.
I can't be friends with you with this outfit.
What the hell do you know about fashion?
Very true.
Skye's throwing a party with some of her neighbors.
I've got to go get some ice.
You tell her about all of these power lunches you've been having with her pops?
No, she'd freak. It's weird.
It's like I'm cheating on my girlfriend with her father.
It's like The Graduate. Except gay.
Enjoy the fireworks.
- I'll take a tequila sunrise. - Yep.
I'm going to try the Surfer Curl only make mine a virgin.
- Uh-huh. - Mine, too.
All right.
- Hey. - Hey.
Well, are you going to keep me in suspense?
About what?
Um, how your date with Margot went.
Um, oh, well, uh, it was nice.
It was a nice time, yeah.
You know, she's hysterical, and...
But she's also easy to talk to
and interesting and, um, she held my hand during the movie.
Oh.
So are you going to see her again?
I think so.
I mean, she asked me to come to her stand-up show next week.
So I guess that means she wants to see me again.
Oh, believe me, she wants to see you again.
Yeah.
Pardon my tardiness.
Oh!
Not at all, not at all.
There you are, careful, careful.
The tip is still quite hot.
Can I interest you in a little bit of libation
for our nation's independence?
- Mmm. - Mmm.
Are you chilly?
A little.
Let's take care of that right now.
Oh, you're so sweet.
What is that?
Oh, what, this? Oh.
I don't understand, you're not Jewish.
No, but, um, I've spent much of my career
working amongst Jewish people,
and to be honest since I've met you,
I've taken a great interest in the faith.
Such a fascinating history, so much suffering,
and yet such a love for life.
Which, as I understand it is what "I'chaim" means in Hebrew.
Oh.
Hey!
What are you doing out here by yourself?
Just doing some thinking.
Yeah?
Want some company?
Sure, pull up some rock.
How are those, um, algebra problems coming?
Good, yeah.
I really think they're starting to get it.
Well, good.
You're really good at that, you know?
Like, the whole teaching thing.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
One of your students was asking about you today.
Oh, God.
I think she's hot for teacher.
Seriously, stop. That's not funny.
Oh, come on. It's fine.
She's cute.
Doesn't matter, she's my student.
I'd never violate the sanctity of that relationship.
- All right. - Even next month, when I'm done
tutoring her, she'll still be underage.
Nothing can change that.
Except her birthday at the end of August.
Holy shit, you like this girl.
I don't know.
Ah, bu, bu, bu, bu, bu.
Gracias.
Think you should maybe slow down a little, sweetie?
It's a holiday.
I'm celebrating.
You know, I've been giving this plea deal thing
a lot of thought.
And?
I'm gonna turn it down.
Fuck Giuliani, fuck his witch hunt.
I'll take my chances with a jury.
I always knew
you were a stubborn man when I married you.
I just didn't know you were stupid.
Shut the fuck up.
Oh, yeah, thanks, thanks.
I'm really happy with how those portraits turned out, too.
I just feel like the faces here are so much more inspiring.
And the energy, in the city?
It's just amazing.
Excuse me.
Hi, you're here.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh, Zan, Zan.
Hi, you remember my friend David.
Cool shirt.
Thanks.
Zan just heard that one of her shorts
got accepted into a gallery showing
of emerging artists.
Isn't that amazing?
Congrats.
Thanks. Feels good to finally emerge.
It was getting stuffy here in obscurity.
You ever try looking for her?
Who?
Your Korean ladyfriend.
Soon Hi?
What, are you kidding?
She lives halfway across the world.
Sam, buddy, we work for the Internal Revenue Service.
We're practically CIA.
What am I eating?
Falafel.
Is it meat?
It's chickpeas.
God.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
How come you never introduce me as your boyfriend?
I told you, I don't have boyfriends.
Well, not since the sixth grade.
Then what am I?
You are the adorable person
that I share my bed with.
Yeah, I don't have a problem calling you my girlfriend.
Yeah, I know, and I always hate it.
- Really? - Hate is too strong.
But it makes me uncomfortable.
Why?
Be... because I don't like labels.
Are you sure that's all it is?
Of course.
Why?
I just wouldn't want it to be that you're ashamed of me.
Why would you think that?
The other day when you were telling Zan about my bris video,
you made it sound like it was an art film or something.
Like you were embarrassed.
Or wanted me to seem cooler than I am.
I'm not embarrassed by you.
I'm not.
And I... I'm...
Afraid of turning what we have into something conventional.
Because it doesn't feel that way to me.
It feels special.
Wow.
Ooh!
- Now, that's pretty. - Yeah.
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