I'm looking for Caleb.
The name's Hooten.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
Great poker face.
Boss. Hooten.
You got something for me?
Do I look like a vending machine?
I hope not. You see, me and vending machines,
we don't really get along that well.
They steal my money,
then I need to kick the crap out of them to get what I want.
Leon told me you were a bad-ass.
- Address? - I'm working on it.
I can see that.
- What's this guy to you anyway? - Does it matter?
He's got something I need.
I'll send someone to find you.
Hey, what can I get you?
A large scotch and a cold beer chaser.
Yeah.
It's always this hot, huh?
Mostly.
Do you have any mayonnaise?
Freshly made, though, I can't abide the ready-made variety.
So, a tad of balsamic and mayonnaise on the side.
Thank you.
Oh, hello.
What in the name of everything holy are you doing here?
How in the world would you know that I was here?
You used the museum credit card to book your flight.
Might have got away with it, if you'd booked economy.
I thought you did it on purpose to get me here.
Then I remembered you were stupid.
Wait, I'm stupid?
You guys are the ones that paid for my flight.
I researched it, to see what could have brought you here.
A man called Cassius Levene found a map on an old wreck,
whilst diving with his son.
He then contacted a local dealer in Cuba,
to get a valuation on the map, which seems to show
the whereabouts of a cask buried on this island
by none other than Captain Henry Morgan.
The dealer tried to rob Mr Levene.
In the struggle, the map was torn in half. Ring any bells?
Nope. Not one.
So your being here is just coincidence?
I find that very hard to believe.
You just can't accept I'm doing something that isn't about you,
that I have my own life, that I get to...
- Mr Hooten. - Yeah?
Caleb says he's found Mr Levene for you.
Thank you, that's very helpful.
Excellent timing, too.
I was worried about you.
- Why? - You know why. Cambodia.
Kane, what he did to your family.
- He's dead. - Doesn't change what he did.
- No, but I live with it. - How do you live with it?
Mostly by not talking about it.
- Sorry. - You don't need to be sorry.
And you don't need to worry about me.
Mostly, you don't need to think you can help or make it go away.
- You can't. - Of course not.
Now you know I'm not drowning at the bottom of a bottle,
- aren't you getting married? - Two days.
Shouldn't you be there, applying spot cream
or waxing your top lip? Ooh!
Er... yeah.
- Except... - Except what?
- You've got it, haven't you? - Got what?
The dealer's half of the map, the part that tore off
when he was trying to steal it from Mr Levene.
Maybe.
I knew it! You do know what's in that cask?
Mid-1600s,
Captain Henry Morgan captured the city of Porto Bello
and held it to ransom, at which point the Governor of Panama
sent a written request asking him not to attack Panama
and included an emerald ring as a sign of good faith.
Morgan replied
by sending the Governor a pistol and a letter saying,
"I'll collect it from you when I'm in Panama."
Months later, once Morgan had taken Panama,
John Ansell, his quartermaster, on the run from
a Spanish man o' war, took the ring and the pistol,
placed them in an old rum cask and buried it
to prevent it from being found if the ship was taken.
It's not like you to do your homework.
I loved pirate stories as a kid.
Strictly speaking, Captain Morgan was a privateer,
not a pirate.
Just like you Brits to suck the joy out of everything.
This is a very, very important part of our naval history.
The Museum want this very badly.
No can do.
The emerald alone's gotta be worth north of $1 million.
You take the pistol and the Morgan provenance,
- I can get five times that. - You cannot sell them.
- I have a buyer. - Without talking to me first?
You're supposed to be off marrying Farquar.
Edward. You can't do this on your own!
Why not?
Because it's not like the films.
This is not, "Yo-ho-ho" and 20 paces across the beach,
then you dig where the cross is!
This is complicated.
There are gonna be puzzles and clues to solve
and I'm better at this than you are.
- Since when? - Since always.
Are you kidding me?
You can't outsmart me.
A chicken could outsmart you.
OK.
Let the best man win.
Woman.
And chickens are very smart, by the way.
All that... pecking.
I'd like to see you lay an egg.
Wha?
Call me back.
I don't know why you put up with it, dear boy, I really don't.
- I'm not her keeper. - You bloody well should be.
- And that means what, exactly? - It means grow a pair.
No, no, no. They're too close together.
Look, she's had her fun, bouncing around the world
with all these ridiculous travels.
Now it's time that she settles down.
She's her own woman. It's the 21 st century.
Men don't control their wives.
Maybe in this case, they should.
The way Lord Anthony controls you?
That's different. Look...
I want you to telephone Alexandra
and tell her to come home immediately.
Start as you mean to go on, Edward.
Put your foot down!
Trust me, you'll thank me for it later.
Do I have to do everything here?
Damn sanctimonious, condescending know-it-all,
patronising British, always right,
looking down on the rest of the world...
Like a chicken could outsmart me! It could outsmart her.
A clam could outsmart her.
- You did what? - I gave it to your partner.
She's not my partner.
She seemed to know a lot about you.
She knows nothing about me.
I want my money back.
You paid me to find Cassius Levene. I found him.
And gave the address to the Wicked Witch of the West.
Maybe if you told me why you wanted him so badly...
I didn't tell you because it's none of your damn business.
How long ago was she here?
- Ten minutes. - Great.
Nice, huh?
Where am I going?
No, no, no, no, no. You can't do this.
- I already have. - I'll give you double.
- Triple. - You're too late.
Mr Levene's agreed to loan the museum his half of the map
in return for a finder's fee. This gives me the start point.
- How much? - More than her.
I'll be able to work out the rest from there.
- Who the hell is this? - My guide.
- Your "guide"? - Coconut Island Tours.
Lay back and let us take the strain.
This won't do you any good. I have the other half of the map.
Oh, the smaller half, you mean?
Size isn't an issue here.
My half gives me everything I need, thank you.
Have fun with your friends, Hooten.
Maybe you could play Scrabble together.
You don't recognise this coastline?
It's half a map. Could be any one of a dozen places.
I've no idea of knowing where this starts.
I need to get up high. You got a helicopter?
Small plane?
I've got Raheem.
What's a Raheem?
We're looking for someone.
Caleb Moncriefe.
It's all right. That's me.
Then I believe you can help us.
Nobody steals from me.
If I've got the first clue right,
the next point on the map is a mile or so north of here.
On foot from here, I think.
There's a cross here. I think we should head for that.
X marks the spot. Excellent.
I very much doubt it will be that easy.
Hi.
North?
That way.
Oh, wait! I've brought supplies.
Wait! There's their Jeep! I see 'em!
Raheem! Raheem!
I think I saw which way they went.
Can you wait here?
I have bookings.
Lots of bookings.
Never been so busy.
All right.
I need you to be honest with me.
This urgent trip that Alex has gone on...
How urgent is it really?
On a scale of one to ten?
Oh, it's... nine. Eight.
Well, definitely a seven. I mean, a high six.
She wants this wedding as much as you,
she just can't deal with the nonsense around it.
- So she runs away. - She avoids confrontation.
- With me? - God, no.
You are the only thing about the wedding she cares about.
She loves you, but, you know,
her mother has taken over completely.
Your lot aren't much better. You know, she just...
She feels suffocated by it all.
You know, rightly or wrongly,
she believes the best chance of getting through this
is just to avoid the circus.
Turn up the night before and just get through the day.
This is her wedding day. I don't...
I don't want her just to "get through it".
Well, don't shoot the messenger.
Are you sure we're still heading north?
More or less. The local ramblers use this track.
It's a little convoluted but, believe me,
you wouldn't want to veer off it.
- Thank you. - Would you like some juice?
Yes, please.
Mango, pineapple or a combination?
Whoa!
Mango would be lovely.
I'm not used to it being this organised.
- Oh? - No.
Heaven knows what it'd be like with my usual chap.
Why ever do you use him, if he's so disorganised?
He sort of gets there in the end, I suppose.
Oh, that wouldn't do.
If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail.
That's my motto.
You have a motto?
Everyone should have a motto, that's my other motto.
Thank you.
A church!
That's what the cross must mean.
It doesn't help that I have no idea what I'm looking for.
"100 paces from me."
- From the church? - I suppose.
It just says, "Turn your back on me
and take 100 paces to the rock."
In which direction?
It doesn't say.
That makes no sense.
St Bartholomew's chapel is from the right period,
but it's not been used for the past couple of hundred years.
Yeah. The direction from there
must be on the other section of the map.
Which I haven't got.
Is this a good time to remind you that this trip
was only approved by the board because you - and I quote -
"Guarantee to return with Captain Morgan's cask
from the sacking of Panama"?
No, it isn't, Ella.
Then let me give you something to take your mind off it.
Edward came to see me.
How is he?
Poor Ed.
I shouldn't have left him to deal with that on his own.
I'll call him as soon as I get back to the hotel, OK?
OK. Bye.
- Open your legs! - Excuse me?
John Ansell!
He was Henry Morgan's quartermaster!
"100 paces from me"!
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait!
"Turn your back on me and take 100 paces to the rock."
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, 11, 12...
...91, 92, 93, 94, 95,
96, 97, 98, 99, 100.
That must be the rock, so we're definitely in the right place.
So where now?
Er...
I don't know. This is where my map ends.
I thought I'd be able to work it out once I got here.
Caleb. Gwaan?
How did you find me?
I told you you couldn't outsmart me.
This is it, isn't it?
This is the beach.
My beach.
- My part of the map. - Now we're here together...
- We're not here together. - We're on the same beach.
No, no, you're with him.
OK.
Just have to pace into the sunset from...
From where?
You don't know?
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
What did you say? "Oh, it's not like the films, Hooten.
It's not, "Yo-ho-ho" and 50 paces to where the X is."
Oh, look! It is. Just like the movies.
You still don't know from where to start pacing.
And you do?
Oh, so you do need me?
I don't need you.
All right, fine, off you go. Pace away.
- Isn't it the? - No.
He knows, doesn't he?
Julian, don't even look at him.
Look, you're just going to have to face it,
that whether we like it or not, we have to work together.
OK.
Show me yours.
You show me yours and I'll show you mine.
Both of us at the same time.
All right.
- The rock! - 50 paces!
- I'll do it. - Why you?
Because Morgan's quartermaster was a guy.
- He'd have bigger steps. - He could have been a dwarf.
All right, fine, you do it. But I'm right behind you.
- One, two... - Julian, get the shovel!
Five, six...
...44, 45, 46, 47,
48, 49... 50.
Right, well. As we're partners now,
perhaps we should strike some kind of a deal?
First, if the museum could exhibit whatever we find for...
How about I sell it, get my money,
and you try to borrow it from the guy I sell it to?
I've already promised it to the museum.
That wasn't very smart, was it?
I showed you my map!
I showed you mine. Now we're even.
So it's every man for himself.
All right. You leave me no choice.
Julian, take that shovel from him.
You take one more step I'll take this shovel
and turn you into a popsicle.
I could fetch you another sandwich.
Come on, baby.
You know, the British Museum is well within its rights...
These were actually held by Captain Morgan himself,
sent to prevent the sacking of Panama.
And now they're mine.
Ours.
Actually they're mine.
- Over my cold, dead body. - Yes, I second that.
H-his cold, dead body.
Looks to me like you're outnumbered.
No, there are three of us.
Please, count me out.
Much as I'd like to help, not really my thing, you see.
I've got issues with my back.
Third vertebrae. So...
I've got this.
You didn't put up much of a fight.
- There were three of them. - Even so.
- Well, where were you? - Shouting encouragement.
Sounded more like critique.
Really? I thought I was being very constructive.
- You called me a wimp. - Did I?
Yeah.
Well, I suppose...
out of context.
Still, we're all in one piece. It could be worse.
It could also be better.
We can try and sort of paddle back with our hands.
Can you remember which way was land?
- Can you? - Um...
Er...
Sort of... Er...
Alex!
- Oh, thank God. - Alex!
Urrgh!
- Edward! - Alex.
- Hello. - Hi.
You're my knight in shining armour.
Still can't believe you're here.
- It was meant to be a surprise. - It was.
Not exactly what I had in mind. I got off the plane.
Thought I'd surprise you at breakfast, and then...
I find your guide here organising a search party.
- Julian. - He said you were attacked.
Not... exactly.
Can I just explain this later on?
- Yeah. - Sorry. Um...
I didn't introduce you properly. Edward, this is Hooten.
I've heard a lot about you, Mr Hooten.
Funny. She's never mentioned you. There's no "Mr".
- American sense of humour. - I see.
If you're manacling yourself to her voluntarily
you're the bravest man I've ever met. I salute you.
- Where are you going? - Where do you think?
Alex.
No. I haven't flown halfway across the world
so I can sit waiting for you in a hotel room.
Whatever it is, it can wait.
Come here.
Oh, you'd better turn around, boy.
There's nothing for you here.
It's the same all over the world.
Small-town mentality.
You see, Caleb, where I come from,
it's not about how much muscle you have.
It's about how far you're prepared to go.
Is that so?
Yes, it is.
Are you crazy?
Crazy enough to burn down your bar. Where's my barrel?
- I sold it. - To who?
They came here looking for it. They knew you had the map.
But you're too late! The boat leaves tonight.
Which boat?
I know why you came.
To get away from our wedding day.
Are you having doubts?
No.
Not at all.
No, just all this stupid...
pedantry.
Have I ruined everything?
No.
We're supposed to be getting married tomorrow.
Well, to be more precise, we're gonna get married here.
- Tonight. - What?
I organised it with the hotel before I left England.
Ed, we can't. Everything is ready in London.
What about my mother? What about your mother?
I don't care.
I don't want you just putting up with your wedding day.
Ed, we can't.
- Can we? - Yes!
I want this to be a day you remember
for the rest of your life.
Both of our lives.
So, forget about London.
OK, tonight at sunset, it's just you...
and me and the beach.
And a local vicar.
And some of the hotel staff as witnesses.
What about my dress?
Oh!
Oh, Ed.
My mum is going to go bonkers.
Hoo...
- Are you all right? - Yeah, no, I'm fine.
I'm just... I'm just overwhelmed.
Oh. Well, then... you need to relax.
Shall I send down for some champagne?
No, we're getting married in a few hours
and I've got a whole beauty regime I have to...
- My top lip and spot cream. - OK. OK.
- Call me. - I will. I love you.
What the hell are you doing here?
Is there a fire?
Possibly. I need you to meet me in the marina in one hour.
I'll explain when you get there.
- No, you will explain now. - No time. The marina, one hour.
- And dress up. - I can't... Hooten!
You're late.
Can't actually believe I'm here at all.
- Where's Farquaad? - Edward is at the hotel.
I told him I was having a face pack.
Wouldn't hurt.
The people who own this boat are the people who took the cask.
They are having a sail-away party and we're crashing it.
- Then what? - You create a diversion.
- I search the boat. - What kind of diversion?
Think of something.
What kind of diversion?
- I don't know. - This is your plan.
You think of a diversion.
I'll think of something. You won't like it.
- Then you start complaining. - No, I won't.
- You sure? - Yes.
OK.
Man overboard! You've got to help her!
- Are you sure you're all right? - Yes, I think so.
- How did it happen? - Not really sure.
Let's get you home, dear. Get some coffee inside you.
I told her she could have one drink to celebrate
the whole sailing-away thing, but... when she gets the taste.
You.
You do realise I'm supposed to be getting married.
Bride's always late, everyone knows that.
She's not meant to be held prisoner
while her groom is waiting for her.
Clearly we don't go to the same kind of weddings.
If I get out of this alive, I'm never speaking to you again.
OK, but I want that in writing before we leave.
At last. Can we talk?
I feel there's been some... terrible mistake.
Yes, there has. The moment you came on the island
to steal the map from us.
Funny, I thought it started when you sent your gorilla
- to steal it off me. - Us.
The dealer who tried to take the map from Mr Levene
was supposed to be working for us.
Not my problem. We had the map. We found the cask.
And now we have it.
What happens? Are you going to kill us?
What?
You think because I come from Serbia, that I am a gangster?
Yes, Alex. Don't be racist.
So, you're not?
My company manufacture domestic cleaning products.
But I'm a keen historian with a private collection of artefacts.
As a sailor, naval history is my area of expertise.
So, in answer to your question "What happens next?"
We are waiting for the police.
Oh.
If you're not a gangster, why do you have a pet ape?
Jadran is my PA.
He's your PA?
- He beat me up. - Yes, he was party to that.
But he stopped it from going too far.
It was my idea to put you in a dinghy.
He's a little squeamish.
So you're... you're not violent?
Absolutely not.
Lucky for me and the blushing bride here,
- I am! - Argh!
Did you really have to kick that poor man?
I thought you said you weren't talking to me again.
I didn't sign anything.
This way.
OK.
Oh, God, look at the state of me.
Hey, I saw this guy's face. He's already hooked.
All you got to do is land him. Go.
- I can't. - Can't what?
I can't do this.
I can't marry him. This isn't fair.
No, it's not, but he probably deserves it.
What if he wants to have children?
- Wait, you can't have children? - Yes.
I mean, I think I can. I just... I mean, what if he...
What if he wants them sooner than I do?
I'm not ready for that. I love what I do.
He doesn't know where I am from one moment to the next
and he says he's fine with it, but what if he's not actually?
Look. I don't know how many women are out there,
and, believe me, I've done some counting.
But I've yet to meet a single one that's as smart as you,
as funny as you, or as loyal as you.
You're pretty.
You can kick ass when you need to.
And you got a smile that could light up a room.
He's a lucky guy.
Stop being so nice to me. It's very...
very disconcerting.
You want me to start with your bad points?
No, thank you.
Will you come with me? You could give me away.
Don't be ridiculous. However appealing that may sound.
Good luck, Lady Alexandra.
Go and marry your knight in shining armour.
Maybe I'll see you around.
Where are you going?
There's this temple in Vietnam
where just before the fall of Saigon,
they melted all their gold into a single statue of Buddha.
Covered it in clay to hide it.
Sounds like a wild-goose chase to me with...
no historical or cultural evidence.
Exactly how I like it.
Thank you.
You look like you're headed to the airport?
Yeah, I am.
Mind if I catch a lift?
Sure. Why not?
Allow me to show you to your seat.
I have to admit I'm a really nervous flyer.
Any chance you could hold my hand?
Maybe you could go through some emergency positions.
What's this?
I assumed you'd know. It was left at reception.
What is it?
It's from Hooten.
It's just a few knick-knacks.
That's sweet.
Yeah, it is.
So, I've been thinking...
Where do you want to go... for our honeymoon?
What about Vietnam?
- Vietnam? - What could possibly go wrong?
Come on, guys. All this for what?
Because I stole your itsy-bitsy tiny little golden Buddha?
Seriously?
Don't you think you're over-reacting?
Shouldn't the punishment fit the crime?
Shouldn't you just steal something from me
and then we're even?
Bears?
What do you mean, the bears are gonna eat me?
Is it because I'm American?
No, it's because you're annoying.
They were very probably gonna let us go
before you started talking to them.
That's harsh. I was trying to cut a deal.
By offering them something already theirs.
- That was my starting position. - How did that go for you?
This isn't real. They'll be back any second
with a counter offer which I'll accept.
Ignore that. That's just brinkmanship.
- They're trying to scare us. - With some success.
There's no bears. They're messing with us.
What was that?
- The wind? - Wind doesn't growl.
- An angry wind? - Or a bear.
OK, I read something about how to survive a bear attack.
- What do we do? - Play dead.
Lay on your stomach and put your hands behind your neck.
Lay on your stomach?
Not so easy being tied up, I guess.
OK, what else did it say?
I don't remember. I got bored after the playing-dead part.
There were pictures of women on the other page.
I'm supposed to be on my honeymoon.
Instead, I'm tied up, about to be eaten by bears,
while my new husband thinks I'm out shopping for a hat.
Now you are married, what do you do about the name thing?
- What? - You already had five names.
So, are you now Lady Alexandra Diana Elizabeth Lindo-Parker...
...Farquaad?
Your credit card must be three feet long.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll