1
00:00:00,390 --> 00:00:03,872
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,873 --> 00:00:07,175
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,176 --> 00:00:10,746
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,747 --> 00:00:13,749
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,750 --> 00:00:17,252
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,253 --> 00:00:20,555
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,556 --> 00:00:22,124
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,125 --> 00:00:23,492
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,493 --> 00:00:29,930
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:29,931 --> 00:00:34,336
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
11
00:00:34,337 --> 00:00:37,439
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Rational Geographic.
12
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,508
BRITISH NARRATOR: Upon
realizing a trip to Africa
13
00:00:39,509 --> 00:00:41,009
would be smelly and gross,
14
00:00:41,010 --> 00:00:43,210
our crew decided to stay in the office.
15
00:00:49,318 --> 00:00:52,187
Aah! Mom, Dad! A bat, a bat!
16
00:00:52,188 --> 00:00:54,055
Oh, my God, there's a bat in the house.
17
00:00:54,056 --> 00:00:55,690
Okay, all-all right,
everybody just calm down,
18
00:00:55,691 --> 00:00:57,692
it might just be Grandpa Munster.
19
00:00:57,693 --> 00:00:59,261
Somebody set him up for a funny joke.
20
00:00:59,262 --> 00:01:00,762
Hey, Grandpa,
21
00:01:00,763 --> 00:01:03,398
how did you sleep last night?
22
00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:05,233
Yeah, see, if it was
him, he would have said,
23
00:01:05,234 --> 00:01:07,765
"Like I do every night: upside down."
24
00:01:09,005 --> 00:01:10,505
Okay. But Peter,
25
00:01:10,506 --> 00:01:12,541
we can't have a bat
flying around the house.
26
00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:13,942
We got to do something.
27
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:15,644
Don't worry, Lois. I'll get rid of it.
28
00:01:15,645 --> 00:01:16,845
It'll be a piece of cake.
29
00:01:16,846 --> 00:01:18,814
Just like my penis enhancement.
30
00:01:18,815 --> 00:01:21,215
I want it to hang down to my knees.
31
00:01:22,537 --> 00:01:24,604
They moved up my knees.
32
00:01:28,424 --> 00:01:31,726
Everybody, I've come up with the
perfect plan to catch the bat.
33
00:01:31,727 --> 00:01:34,095
I bought this remote-
controlled toy helicopter,
34
00:01:34,096 --> 00:01:35,964
to which I have attached this handgun.
35
00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:38,433
And I tell you, this thing
is not easy to fly.
36
00:01:38,434 --> 00:01:40,368
- Peter, that doesn't seem very...
- Here goes.
37
00:01:40,369 --> 00:01:42,437
Now, I don't have anything
to control the trigger with,
38
00:01:42,438 --> 00:01:43,905
so I put it on a timer.
39
00:01:43,906 --> 00:01:45,774
But I don't remember
how long I set it...
40
00:01:45,775 --> 00:01:47,708
Aah! We're all gonna die!
41
00:01:50,413 --> 00:01:53,715
Okay, so, now the bat has a
gun, and the knives I gave him.
42
00:01:53,716 --> 00:01:55,283
What? Why would you give him knives?
43
00:01:55,284 --> 00:01:56,651
I didn't think it would matter.
44
00:01:56,652 --> 00:01:59,186
I was counting on this
helicopter thing working.
45
00:02:03,059 --> 00:02:05,193
Peter? Wh-where are you?
46
00:02:05,194 --> 00:02:06,428
What's going on?
47
00:02:06,429 --> 00:02:08,597
PETER: In order to understand the bat,
48
00:02:08,598 --> 00:02:11,533
we must first understand the vampire.
49
00:02:11,534 --> 00:02:14,069
So I watched Interview With the Vampire.
50
00:02:14,070 --> 00:02:16,071
Cast your gaze upon...
51
00:02:16,072 --> 00:02:17,739
Lestat.
52
00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:19,641
Peter, you're not a vampire.
53
00:02:19,642 --> 00:02:22,210
Oh? Then why am I clad in velvet pants
54
00:02:22,211 --> 00:02:24,412
tucked into soft leather boots?
55
00:02:24,413 --> 00:02:26,181
And why does my shirt billow so
56
00:02:26,182 --> 00:02:28,216
in the wind of that rotating fan?
57
00:02:28,217 --> 00:02:29,784
Peter, what's really going on?
58
00:02:29,785 --> 00:02:31,686
I'm just tryin' to reinvent my look.
59
00:02:31,687 --> 00:02:33,655
A guy at work said I dress like crap.
60
00:02:33,656 --> 00:02:36,001
Well, you show 'em tomorrow, Peter.
61
00:02:36,953 --> 00:02:38,126
How'd it go?
62
00:02:38,127 --> 00:02:40,495
I was sent home early and
labeled a distraction.
63
00:02:40,496 --> 00:02:42,530
They're having a meeting
about me tomorrow.
64
00:02:45,902 --> 00:02:47,902
(ALARM BUZZES)
65
00:02:49,171 --> 00:02:50,572
Wha... Wh-What's wrong?
66
00:02:50,573 --> 00:02:53,174
Ar-Are we taking a
terrible 7:00 a.m. flight?
67
00:02:53,175 --> 00:02:54,843
No no. I realized to catch a bat,
68
00:02:54,844 --> 00:02:57,379
I need to live like a bat.
So I got to be up at night.
69
00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:59,281
It's a nocturnal mission, Lois.
70
00:02:59,282 --> 00:03:01,249
Okay, but what are you gonna do?
71
00:03:01,250 --> 00:03:02,450
Well, as everyone knows,
72
00:03:02,451 --> 00:03:04,920
bats watch a ton of
Cinemax softcore porn,
73
00:03:04,921 --> 00:03:06,856
so that seems like the place to start.
74
00:03:07,657 --> 00:03:10,692
(WOMAN MOANING)
75
00:03:10,693 --> 00:03:12,060
- A-ha!
- (SQUEAKS)
76
00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:13,828
MAN: Welcome back to CNBC's Moneyline.
77
00:03:13,829 --> 00:03:15,830
Oh come on, man, nobody's buyin' that.
78
00:03:15,831 --> 00:03:17,599
You expect me to believe you own stocks?
79
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,501
Bat Industries was up two
dollars a share today
80
00:03:19,502 --> 00:03:20,702
in heavy trading.
81
00:03:20,703 --> 00:03:21,903
- Huh.
- (SQUEAKING)
82
00:03:21,904 --> 00:03:24,272
Get back here! Damn it!
83
00:03:24,273 --> 00:03:26,107
Aah!
84
00:03:26,108 --> 00:03:27,274
(SQUEAKING CONTINUING)
85
00:03:47,296 --> 00:03:49,864
I got you now, Bat Damon.
86
00:03:49,865 --> 00:03:51,800
I named you Bat Damon.
87
00:03:51,801 --> 00:03:54,034
Aw, now I want you to live.
88
00:03:55,504 --> 00:03:57,238
Aah! Aah! What is it?
89
00:03:57,239 --> 00:03:59,440
- Aah!
- Ow!
90
00:04:00,543 --> 00:04:04,112
You can beat me, but I am who I am!
91
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:06,348
Peter, what the hell did
you do to Stewie's hand?
92
00:04:06,349 --> 00:04:07,716
It could be broken.
93
00:04:07,717 --> 00:04:09,250
I didn't mean to. It's just,
94
00:04:09,251 --> 00:04:11,785
sometimes I don't think before I act.
95
00:04:12,855 --> 00:04:14,149
Oh, hey, high-five.
96
00:04:14,604 --> 00:04:16,591
Hey, did you just high-five that sign?
97
00:04:16,592 --> 00:04:17,792
Yeah.
98
00:04:17,793 --> 00:04:19,394
You think differently.
99
00:04:19,395 --> 00:04:20,467
Get in.
100
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,101
PETER: His name was Derek.
101
00:04:26,102 --> 00:04:28,603
But he went by the Prophet
when times were good,
102
00:04:28,604 --> 00:04:31,072
or the Law Giver when times were bad.
103
00:04:31,073 --> 00:04:33,908
I moved onto his prayer
farm with 45 other members
104
00:04:33,909 --> 00:04:37,345
of the Salvation Star Boys,
who died in a mass suicide.
105
00:04:37,346 --> 00:04:39,681
But not me. 'Cause I
don't like root beer.
106
00:04:39,682 --> 00:04:41,616
And I only drink what I like.
107
00:04:41,617 --> 00:04:44,419
After it was all over, I
called Lois to pick me up.
108
00:04:44,420 --> 00:04:45,987
She was mad.
109
00:04:45,988 --> 00:04:48,957
But she's what Derek calls
an Oppressing Doubter.
110
00:04:48,958 --> 00:04:50,925
May the light of Derek's
Invincible Diamond
111
00:04:50,926 --> 00:04:52,926
shine through you.
112
00:04:56,732 --> 00:04:59,601
Oh, thank you so much for
coming in early, Dr. Hartman.
113
00:04:59,602 --> 00:05:00,802
Oh, no problem.
114
00:05:00,803 --> 00:05:02,437
- Hell, I used to work here.
- What?
115
00:05:02,438 --> 00:05:04,673
Good news. Stewie's hand looks fine.
116
00:05:04,674 --> 00:05:06,508
Oh, hey, high-five.
117
00:05:06,509 --> 00:05:08,043
Huh. As long as you're here,
118
00:05:08,044 --> 00:05:10,145
I see Stewie hasn't had
his vaccinations yet.
119
00:05:10,146 --> 00:05:11,246
Should we take care of that?
120
00:05:11,247 --> 00:05:12,847
Well, I suppose so.
121
00:05:12,848 --> 00:05:15,150
Oh, but first, I'm required to
have you read this pamphlet
122
00:05:15,151 --> 00:05:17,251
about the risks of vaccinations.
123
00:05:20,356 --> 00:05:22,891
God, you are aging so rapidly.
124
00:05:22,892 --> 00:05:24,259
"Possible side effects:
125
00:05:24,260 --> 00:05:27,829
fever, severe allergic reaction,
muscle and joint pain?"
126
00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:29,230
Wait, and this can't be right:
127
00:05:29,231 --> 00:05:32,133
they actually put some of
the disease in the shot?
128
00:05:32,134 --> 00:05:34,269
Hey, man, how many
questions your lady ask?
129
00:05:34,270 --> 00:05:35,603
Uh, like, a million?
130
00:05:35,604 --> 00:05:37,505
But I don't remember
having to read any of this
131
00:05:37,506 --> 00:05:39,874
when Chris and Meg had
their vaccinations.
132
00:05:39,875 --> 00:05:41,609
Well, that was before
Internet chat rooms
133
00:05:41,610 --> 00:05:42,777
made everybody an expert.
134
00:05:42,778 --> 00:05:44,012
It's a better world now.
135
00:05:44,013 --> 00:05:46,514
I-I don't know about this, Dr. Hartman.
136
00:05:46,515 --> 00:05:49,050
We might need a little bit
of time to think this over.
137
00:05:49,051 --> 00:05:50,752
Yeah, 'cause we don't want
to make a big mistake.
138
00:05:50,753 --> 00:05:53,154
Like when I peed next to the chatty guy.
139
00:05:53,155 --> 00:05:54,889
(ALARM RINGS)
140
00:05:54,890 --> 00:05:55,990
Hey, man, we should get out of here,
141
00:05:55,991 --> 00:05:57,125
the building's on fire.
142
00:05:57,126 --> 00:05:58,593
Hey, pal, not now, I'm busy.
143
00:05:58,594 --> 00:06:01,629
Anyway, I'll tell you
what's on fire, my urethra.
144
00:06:01,630 --> 00:06:03,565
That's the last time I
go to a water park,
145
00:06:03,566 --> 00:06:04,666
I'll tell you that much.
146
00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,367
Well, that's not completely true,
147
00:06:06,368 --> 00:06:08,570
'cause I have a Groupon,
and I'd hate to waste it.
148
00:06:08,571 --> 00:06:09,838
Plus, the truth is, the kids...
149
00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:11,806
Oh, my God...
150
00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:14,608
I was the chatty guy.
151
00:06:19,381 --> 00:06:20,782
Hey, you guys, is that my laptop?
152
00:06:20,783 --> 00:06:22,884
Yeah, sorry, we were
looking something up.
153
00:06:22,885 --> 00:06:24,719
We were going to get Stewie vaccinated,
154
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,789
but now, after our research,
we're definitely not.
155
00:06:27,790 --> 00:06:28,990
Ah, no, Lois, don't tell me
156
00:06:28,991 --> 00:06:31,159
you fell for all that anti-vaxxer crap.
157
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,761
It's not crap, Brian.
158
00:06:32,762 --> 00:06:34,763
There's a lot of evidence
to suggest there's a link
159
00:06:34,764 --> 00:06:36,831
between vaccinations and autism.
160
00:06:36,832 --> 00:06:39,701
Lois, all that so-called
evidence has been debunked.
161
00:06:39,702 --> 00:06:41,236
Listen to some of these ingredients:
162
00:06:41,237 --> 00:06:45,240
"mercury, thimerosal,
aluminum, formaldehyde."
163
00:06:45,241 --> 00:06:47,375
Lois, deciding not to vaccinate Stewie
164
00:06:47,376 --> 00:06:48,576
is something that affects all of us.
165
00:06:48,577 --> 00:06:49,911
The only reason they work
166
00:06:49,912 --> 00:06:52,447
is that if a critical mass
of society gets immunized,
167
00:06:52,448 --> 00:06:53,815
then the diseases won't spread.
168
00:06:53,816 --> 00:06:55,650
Look, Brian, I was skeptical, too,
169
00:06:55,651 --> 00:06:56,885
but then I did some research
170
00:06:56,886 --> 00:06:58,887
and I found some very interesting things
171
00:06:58,888 --> 00:07:00,989
from the leader of the
anti-vaccination movement,
172
00:07:00,990 --> 00:07:02,389
Jenny McCarthy.
173
00:07:07,363 --> 00:07:08,830
See? Proof.
174
00:07:08,831 --> 00:07:10,064
Hard to argue with that.
175
00:07:10,065 --> 00:07:11,064
And look at this one.
176
00:07:12,701 --> 00:07:14,169
Glasses.
177
00:07:14,170 --> 00:07:15,670
Case closed.
178
00:07:15,671 --> 00:07:17,071
I can't believe you guys.
179
00:07:17,072 --> 00:07:18,339
Don't you realize you're contributing
180
00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:20,375
to a potential public health disaster
181
00:07:20,376 --> 00:07:21,943
by not vaccinating your child?
182
00:07:21,944 --> 00:07:24,679
That's exactly the point... My child.
183
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:25,914
He's my child,
184
00:07:25,915 --> 00:07:28,216
and nothing matters more
than his well-being.
185
00:07:28,217 --> 00:07:31,052
Oh, God, this is going to
be a Lois story, isn't it?
186
00:07:31,053 --> 00:07:33,454
Game of Thrones is on, just a reminder.
187
00:07:33,455 --> 00:07:35,323
Yeah, we made this mistake before.
188
00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:36,991
We got the other kids vaccinated,
189
00:07:36,992 --> 00:07:38,593
but Meg still got chicken pox.
190
00:07:38,594 --> 00:07:40,161
Dad, this is acne.
191
00:07:40,162 --> 00:07:41,696
Girl, you nasty.
192
00:07:41,697 --> 00:07:44,432
You realize the vast majority
of people think you're wrong.
193
00:07:44,433 --> 00:07:46,167
Well, maybe that's the problem.
194
00:07:46,168 --> 00:07:48,069
We just got to change their minds.
195
00:07:48,070 --> 00:07:50,038
We're gettin' this town
to change its mind
196
00:07:50,039 --> 00:07:51,206
about vaccinations.
197
00:07:51,207 --> 00:07:52,440
Yeah. I'm with you.
198
00:07:52,441 --> 00:07:54,442
Just as soon as I finish
gettin' the word out
199
00:07:54,443 --> 00:07:56,444
about the one thing more important.
200
00:07:56,445 --> 00:07:58,947
The brothers who made The
Matrix are ladies now!
201
00:07:58,948 --> 00:08:00,014
They're ladies!
202
00:08:00,015 --> 00:08:01,349
Just one of 'em?
203
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,117
That's the thing... It's both of 'em!
204
00:08:03,118 --> 00:08:04,319
What are the chances?
205
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:05,753
What are the chances?!
206
00:08:05,754 --> 00:08:08,576
The brothers who made The
Matrix are ladies now!
207
00:08:13,375 --> 00:08:14,862
All right, come on, Peter,
208
00:08:14,864 --> 00:08:17,697
I've got all the stuff for
our anti-vaccination rally.
209
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:18,698
I don't believe this.
210
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:19,699
It's bad enough you guys
211
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:20,867
aren't vaccinating Stewie.
212
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:22,035
Now you're trying to
convince other people
213
00:08:22,036 --> 00:08:23,570
to make the same reckless choice?
214
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,039
I'm also gonna pet a bunch
of dogs without asking.
215
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,407
Don't do that. We don't like that.
216
00:08:27,408 --> 00:08:29,209
Then I'm gonna try and
look at their teeth.
217
00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:32,279
Brian, all we want is for
parents to have the choice.
218
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,848
Because parents know what's
best for their kids.
219
00:08:34,849 --> 00:08:37,650
I hear Sansa finally
shows boob in this one.
220
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,755
You do realize they're
putting your life in danger
221
00:08:41,756 --> 00:08:43,156
by not getting you immunized.
222
00:08:43,157 --> 00:08:46,026
You could get measles, mumps,
rubella, whooping cough...
223
00:08:46,027 --> 00:08:47,327
Oh, my God, are you serious?
224
00:08:47,328 --> 00:08:49,696
Very serious. Even the tiniest germ
225
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,232
could make you very ill and,
left untreated, kill you.
226
00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:53,233
Really?
227
00:08:53,234 --> 00:08:54,234
I'd expect this kind of thing
228
00:08:54,235 --> 00:08:55,969
from the fat man, but not Lois.
229
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:57,771
Although she did act like a nutcase
230
00:08:57,772 --> 00:09:00,473
that time she went shopping
right before Thanksgiving.
231
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:02,209
Ready for Turkey Day?
232
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:03,843
(CHUCKLES) Clever.
233
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,579
Don't eat too much turkey tomorrow.
234
00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:07,747
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I won't.
235
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:10,450
Now, if only the meal
would cook itself, huh?
236
00:09:10,451 --> 00:09:14,720
(CACKLES LOUDLY)
237
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,057
(OVER P.A.): Parents of Quahog
238
00:09:17,058 --> 00:09:19,793
and weekend dads playing
three minutes of catch,
239
00:09:19,794 --> 00:09:22,295
do you know that the number
of childhood vaccines
240
00:09:22,296 --> 00:09:24,364
has tripled in the last generation?
241
00:09:24,365 --> 00:09:25,665
And why is that?
242
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,835
Because heartless corporations
make billions of dollars
243
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:32,238
by foisting garbage and
poison upon our children.
244
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,745
We demand that these vaccines
245
00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:41,448
be tested by independent researchers,
246
00:09:41,449 --> 00:09:43,650
not by the companies who make them.
247
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,852
Excuse me, are you the
lady selling the bullhorn?
248
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:47,187
What? No.
249
00:09:47,188 --> 00:09:49,289
I'm over here.
250
00:09:49,290 --> 00:09:51,224
(SIGHS) Damn it.
251
00:09:51,225 --> 00:09:52,959
This doesn't seem to be working.
252
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,194
Well, obviously, Lois.
253
00:09:54,195 --> 00:09:55,295
You can't just go to a park
254
00:09:55,296 --> 00:09:57,163
and list a bunch of boring facts.
255
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:58,531
You got to spice things up.
256
00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:00,133
Like I did when I was a lounge singer
257
00:10:00,134 --> 00:10:01,935
with uneven lyric density.
258
00:10:01,936 --> 00:10:05,305
This is a song I wrote for
my beautiful girlfriend.
259
00:10:05,306 --> 00:10:06,439
Her name is...
260
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,375
♪ Kim ♪
261
00:10:08,376 --> 00:10:09,776
♪ I don't understand why your father ♪
262
00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,044
♪ Has such problems with us ♪
263
00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:12,879
♪ Kim ♪
264
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,214
♪ Mostly I think it's because ♪
265
00:10:14,215 --> 00:10:15,949
♪ I don't make my car payments on time ♪
266
00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:17,450
♪ But also because I was
dating someone else ♪
267
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:18,451
♪ At the same time as ♪
268
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,053
♪ Kim ♪
269
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,454
Two, three, four,
270
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:22,956
(RAPIDLY): five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven.
271
00:10:22,957 --> 00:10:24,324
♪ Kim ♪
272
00:10:24,325 --> 00:10:26,059
♪ I love you ♪
273
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,961
♪ But mostly I love that you let
me eat crackers in the bed ♪
274
00:10:30,298 --> 00:10:31,665
♪ Kim! ♪
275
00:10:31,666 --> 00:10:33,300
Thank you!
276
00:10:33,301 --> 00:10:34,967
(PLAYS FINAL NOTE)
277
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:45,545
(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)
278
00:10:45,546 --> 00:10:48,415
(RHYTHMIC CLINKING)
279
00:10:48,416 --> 00:10:50,516
(RHYTHMIC ICE RATTLING)
280
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,356
(CLAPS) Eh, that's enough of that.
281
00:10:56,357 --> 00:10:57,457
What the hell?
282
00:10:57,458 --> 00:10:59,292
Peter, is that you on TV right now?
283
00:10:59,293 --> 00:11:02,195
Oh yeah, that's my anti-vaccination PSA.
284
00:11:02,196 --> 00:11:03,797
Hi, I'm a medical guy,
285
00:11:03,798 --> 00:11:07,600
and I'm here to give you
the facts about vaccs.
286
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:10,570
Fact... Vaccinations cause autism,
287
00:11:10,571 --> 00:11:12,605
paralysis, and even...
288
00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:13,907
death, death, death, death,
death, death, death,
289
00:11:13,908 --> 00:11:15,375
death, death, death.
290
00:11:15,376 --> 00:11:18,611
Fact: "vaccinate" rhymes
with "masturbate."
291
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:21,281
Would you let a doctor
do that to your kid?
292
00:11:21,282 --> 00:11:25,218
Fact: I still think Michelle
Williams is Carey Mulligan.
293
00:11:25,219 --> 00:11:26,886
Fact!
294
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,789
Medical delivery for
badass karate doctor.
295
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:32,125
Ah yes, those must be
the bones and skulls.
296
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,860
(BONES CLATTERING)
297
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,763
I see no boob bones,
the victim was a man.
298
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:37,864
Wow.
299
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:40,400
SINGER: ♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
300
00:11:40,401 --> 00:11:42,335
ANNOUNCER: Say "no" to vaccines.
301
00:11:42,336 --> 00:11:44,203
Paid for with Meg's college fund.
302
00:11:51,212 --> 00:11:52,612
What the hell is all this?
303
00:11:52,613 --> 00:11:54,647
I'm trying to protect myself
from all those diseases
304
00:11:54,648 --> 00:11:56,349
I'm not vaccinated against.
305
00:11:56,350 --> 00:11:58,651
Speaking of which, do you
have any idea the germs
306
00:11:58,652 --> 00:12:00,854
you routinely track into this house?
307
00:12:00,855 --> 00:12:02,956
From now on I'm going to ask
that you wear these shoes
308
00:12:02,957 --> 00:12:03,957
while indoors.
309
00:12:03,958 --> 00:12:05,024
Where'd you get those?
310
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,226
Put 'em on and lick your lips!
311
00:12:06,227 --> 00:12:08,061
Stewie, you might be
taking this too far.
312
00:12:08,062 --> 00:12:10,397
Proper hygiene depends
on everyone, Brian.
313
00:12:10,398 --> 00:12:12,866
For instance, I've already
saran-wrapped Chris.
314
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:15,468
(MUFFLED): I'm a gas station sandwich!
315
00:12:15,469 --> 00:12:17,137
(DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV)
316
00:12:17,138 --> 00:12:19,739
We interrupt this program
with breaking news.
317
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,275
Childhood vaccination rates
in Quahog have dropped
318
00:12:22,276 --> 00:12:25,712
to an all-time low, fueled
by a recent media campaign
319
00:12:25,713 --> 00:12:27,847
led by local meddler, Peter Griffin,
320
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:31,251
shown here in the basket
of Henry Thomas' bicycle.
321
00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:33,119
That can't be real, right?
322
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,356
Oh, I knew one of these
had to be my house.
323
00:12:36,357 --> 00:12:37,724
Damn it, Peter, thanks to you,
324
00:12:37,725 --> 00:12:40,226
nobody in this town is
vaccinating their kids anymore!
325
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:42,262
Do you even realize the
harm you've caused?
326
00:12:42,263 --> 00:12:43,596
Harm? What are you talking about?
327
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,331
I'm making the world a better place.
328
00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:47,534
Like when I was the Instagram police.
329
00:12:47,535 --> 00:12:49,602
(SIREN WAILS, THEN STOPS)
330
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,270
Sorry, lady, got to crop the chotch.
331
00:12:54,442 --> 00:12:57,677
I... will take this.
332
00:12:57,678 --> 00:12:59,312
And cutaway complete.
333
00:12:59,313 --> 00:13:00,779
(SIREN WAILS)
334
00:13:05,453 --> 00:13:08,888
Man, there is a lot of bad
art in these hallways.
335
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:11,791
All right, Stewie, see you after school.
336
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:14,027
Wait a minute, where are
all the other kids?
337
00:13:14,028 --> 00:13:15,094
Haven't you heard?
338
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,696
There's been an outbreak of measles.
339
00:13:16,697 --> 00:13:18,965
It's all because everyone
stopped vaccinating their kids.
340
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:20,533
Oh, my God!
341
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:21,901
And it's not just our school.
342
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,436
Kids all over town are getting sick.
343
00:13:23,437 --> 00:13:24,904
(AIR RAID SIREN BLARES)
344
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,272
OFFICIAL (OVER BULLHORN):
Attention! Attention!
345
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:27,940
What the hell?
346
00:13:29,343 --> 00:13:32,545
(CROWD CLAMORING, SIRENS WAILING)
347
00:13:32,546 --> 00:13:34,180
People of Quahog,
348
00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:36,382
your town is under quarantine.
349
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:40,386
Until further notice, no one
may enter or leave the city.
350
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:43,323
Oh, that's the guy who bought
the bullhorn at the park.
351
00:13:43,324 --> 00:13:44,791
Oh, this is awful.
352
00:13:44,792 --> 00:13:46,292
It's all our fault!
353
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:47,961
And look, Joe's arguing
with a state policeman
354
00:13:47,962 --> 00:13:49,529
over jurisdiction.
355
00:13:49,530 --> 00:13:51,598
Thanks, Swanson, we'll
take it from here.
356
00:13:51,599 --> 00:13:52,932
It's a state matter now.
357
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,901
No way, this is my town.
358
00:13:54,902 --> 00:13:57,070
Thanks, guys, the feds
will take it from here.
359
00:13:57,071 --> 00:13:59,138
Oh, no, this is my state.
360
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,274
Hi, I'm a crossing guard who can walk,
361
00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:03,643
so I have jurisdiction over all of you.
362
00:14:03,644 --> 00:14:05,178
Must be serious.
363
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:06,925
They brought in the big guns.
364
00:14:13,131 --> 00:14:14,231
You happy now, Lois?
365
00:14:14,232 --> 00:14:16,033
Because of you, there's
a measles epidemic,
366
00:14:16,034 --> 00:14:17,634
and the whole town is quarantined.
367
00:14:17,635 --> 00:14:19,036
Speak for yourself, Brian.
368
00:14:19,037 --> 00:14:22,172
I, for one, am enjoying
the indoor family time.
369
00:14:22,173 --> 00:14:25,108
Who's up for another game
of hot-breath telephone?
370
00:14:25,109 --> 00:14:27,077
(LOUD, MUMBLED WHISPER)
371
00:14:27,078 --> 00:14:28,779
We're all gonna die!
372
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:30,914
Chris, you're supposed to whisper
that to the next person.
373
00:14:30,915 --> 00:14:32,416
Peter, Brian's right!
374
00:14:32,417 --> 00:14:33,884
We were wrong about everything!
375
00:14:33,885 --> 00:14:36,720
We've got to get to the hospital
and get Stewie vaccinated!
376
00:14:36,721 --> 00:14:38,589
Eh, it might be a little
too late for that.
377
00:14:38,590 --> 00:14:41,458
I kind of destroyed all
the vaccines in town.
378
00:14:41,459 --> 00:14:43,860
(EXPLOSIONS, GLASS SHATTERING)
379
00:15:04,983 --> 00:15:06,817
All right, what else did
I have to do today?
380
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,785
Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment.
381
00:15:08,786 --> 00:15:10,354
I better get home.
382
00:15:10,355 --> 00:15:12,589
You destroyed all the vaccines?
383
00:15:12,590 --> 00:15:14,725
Yeah, but it's fine. There's
nothing to worry about.
384
00:15:14,726 --> 00:15:16,660
Is anyone else feeling feverish, achy,
385
00:15:16,661 --> 00:15:18,328
and acutely sensitive to light?
386
00:15:18,329 --> 00:15:19,696
Oh, my God, Peter.
387
00:15:19,697 --> 00:15:21,365
Y-you've got measles!
388
00:15:21,366 --> 00:15:23,901
Now, hold on, hold on,
before we all freak out,
389
00:15:23,902 --> 00:15:25,602
it might just be full-body herpes.
390
00:15:25,603 --> 00:15:28,372
Wait, you guys, Dad might
not have been vaccinated.
391
00:15:28,373 --> 00:15:30,240
Didn't Grandma say he
was born in Mexico?
392
00:15:30,241 --> 00:15:31,642
Nobody remembers that, Meg.
393
00:15:31,643 --> 00:15:33,644
We got to keep you away from Stewie.
394
00:15:33,645 --> 00:15:34,745
You'll get him sick.
395
00:15:34,746 --> 00:15:36,547
Oh, my little guy's gonna be fine.
396
00:15:36,548 --> 00:15:38,282
All he needs is a good,
old-fashioned game
397
00:15:38,283 --> 00:15:40,217
of hot-breath telephone.
398
00:15:40,218 --> 00:15:41,518
(BREATHY WHISPER): Measles.
399
00:15:41,519 --> 00:15:43,053
(YELLS) I've got to get
out of this house,
400
00:15:43,054 --> 00:15:45,622
or I'll be in worse shape
than John Goodman!
401
00:15:45,623 --> 00:15:47,124
I've got your EKG here.
402
00:15:47,125 --> 00:15:48,292
How does it look?
403
00:15:48,293 --> 00:15:50,460
Well, it spells out "Pancakes."
404
00:15:50,461 --> 00:15:52,863
Oh, okay, so same as last time.
405
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:55,966
I'm recommending you go on
a strict diet immediately.
406
00:15:55,967 --> 00:15:57,234
Nope.
407
00:15:57,235 --> 00:15:59,069
Horses that make it
look like I can walk,
408
00:15:59,070 --> 00:16:00,970
take me to Hollywood!
409
00:16:09,914 --> 00:16:11,815
All right, I'm almost done packing.
410
00:16:11,816 --> 00:16:14,384
I've got it down to
four bags and a hatbox.
411
00:16:14,385 --> 00:16:15,719
I'm gonna need some help, Rupert.
412
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:16,820
Rupert?
413
00:16:16,821 --> 00:16:19,990
Ew, that's the tushie thermometer.
414
00:16:19,991 --> 00:16:22,059
Dear God, you're burning up!
415
00:16:22,060 --> 00:16:23,259
I have to get out of here!
416
00:16:24,996 --> 00:16:26,396
I'm sorry, Rupert.
417
00:16:26,397 --> 00:16:28,565
But the situation here
has become unbearable.
418
00:16:28,566 --> 00:16:31,435
Like talking to someone
with adult braces.
419
00:16:31,436 --> 00:16:33,637
So, yeah, last weekend,
Sheila and I took the kids
420
00:16:33,638 --> 00:16:35,105
up to the lake, it was great.
421
00:16:35,106 --> 00:16:37,774
We had great weather,
fired up the barbecue,
422
00:16:37,775 --> 00:16:39,743
Sheila's parents came up
towards the end of the week...
423
00:16:39,744 --> 00:16:42,111
(LOUDLY): When are you
gonna get those off?
424
00:16:46,751 --> 00:16:49,886
(WEAKLY): Meg, you must
carry on my legacy.
425
00:16:49,887 --> 00:16:53,256
Promise me you'll crop the chotches.
426
00:16:53,257 --> 00:16:54,691
Crop them, Meg!
427
00:16:54,692 --> 00:16:55,926
Crop them all!
428
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,728
LOIS: Peter, Stewie's gone!
429
00:16:57,729 --> 00:16:59,262
I've looked everywhere!
430
00:16:59,263 --> 00:17:01,999
Oh, Lois, I feel a little better.
431
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,967
I think I could keep down deviled eggs.
432
00:17:03,968 --> 00:17:04,968
Lois, what's wrong?
433
00:17:04,969 --> 00:17:06,403
I can't find Stewie.
434
00:17:06,404 --> 00:17:08,171
He must've gotten out of the house.
435
00:17:08,172 --> 00:17:10,807
God knows how far he's gone.
436
00:17:10,808 --> 00:17:13,644
Well, look, there's a
Family Circus dotted path.
437
00:17:13,645 --> 00:17:14,844
It'll lead us right to him.
438
00:17:19,651 --> 00:17:20,984
BRIAN: Ah, it's just Billy.
439
00:17:20,985 --> 00:17:22,552
He died of measles.
440
00:17:22,553 --> 00:17:25,989
And here comes Marmaduke
to lick up the vomit.
441
00:17:25,990 --> 00:17:27,757
Lucky.
442
00:17:31,796 --> 00:17:33,563
If I can just escape this quarantine
443
00:17:33,564 --> 00:17:34,731
and make it to the next town,
444
00:17:34,732 --> 00:17:37,934
I'll be able to get that vaccine I need.
445
00:17:37,935 --> 00:17:39,936
Stewie! I'm you from the future!
446
00:17:39,937 --> 00:17:42,339
You've got to get the hell out
of town before you get sick!
447
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:44,174
Yeah, I know. That's what I'm doing.
448
00:17:44,175 --> 00:17:46,410
Okay, I'm really here because
I know you have glue.
449
00:17:46,411 --> 00:17:48,812
Give me the glue.
450
00:17:48,813 --> 00:17:51,982
(INHALES DEEPLY, THEN MOANS)
451
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:53,216
Stewie, listen to me,
452
00:17:53,217 --> 00:17:56,302
never, ever do this great thing I love.
453
00:18:04,195 --> 00:18:06,462
There's the bridge out of town!
454
00:18:08,833 --> 00:18:10,534
So we're all there at the Clam,
455
00:18:10,535 --> 00:18:12,402
just kind of making music together,
456
00:18:12,403 --> 00:18:14,571
and then Peter, of
course, had to join in
457
00:18:14,572 --> 00:18:18,275
and clap his hands, and I said,
"Eh, that's enough of that."
458
00:18:18,276 --> 00:18:20,543
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I
kind of run the group.
459
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,080
I'll just have to go around them.
460
00:18:31,889 --> 00:18:33,190
Good Lord.
461
00:18:33,191 --> 00:18:35,092
I hope my shoe doesn't
fall to make me realize
462
00:18:35,093 --> 00:18:36,358
how far the drop is.
463
00:18:39,697 --> 00:18:41,131
(SPLASH IN THE DISTANCE)
464
00:18:41,132 --> 00:18:44,000
Oh, my orthotic was in there.
465
00:18:44,001 --> 00:18:45,769
(TIRES SCREECH)
466
00:18:45,770 --> 00:18:47,270
Stewie?
467
00:18:47,271 --> 00:18:48,271
Where are you?
468
00:18:48,272 --> 00:18:50,140
Lois, what's going on?
469
00:18:50,141 --> 00:18:52,109
That's one of my sidekicks' wives.
470
00:18:52,110 --> 00:18:54,144
He says he's in charge of
the group, is that true?
471
00:18:54,145 --> 00:18:57,047
No, not in the slightest, but,
Joe, Stewie's gone missing.
472
00:18:57,048 --> 00:18:58,782
We can't find him anywhere.
473
00:18:58,783 --> 00:19:00,282
Lois, look!
474
00:19:01,419 --> 00:19:03,653
(GRUNTING)
475
00:19:03,654 --> 00:19:05,455
I don't know if he can
hold on much longer.
476
00:19:05,456 --> 00:19:06,456
We got to get him down.
477
00:19:06,457 --> 00:19:07,891
Stewie, hang on!
478
00:19:07,892 --> 00:19:09,092
Mommy's coming!
479
00:19:09,093 --> 00:19:10,993
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
480
00:19:12,597 --> 00:19:15,866
Oh, no, upside-down train!
481
00:19:15,867 --> 00:19:16,966
(YELLS)
482
00:19:17,902 --> 00:19:19,402
- Stewie!
- Oh, no!
483
00:19:19,403 --> 00:19:20,836
(CONTINUES YELLING)
484
00:19:24,675 --> 00:19:26,009
Sean Penn?
485
00:19:26,010 --> 00:19:28,345
That's right, two-time
Oscar winner Sean Penn.
486
00:19:28,346 --> 00:19:29,713
What are you doing here?
487
00:19:29,714 --> 00:19:32,182
I'm bringing vaccines into
your quarantined town.
488
00:19:32,183 --> 00:19:34,785
Any time there's a public health
crisis in a third-world land,
489
00:19:34,786 --> 00:19:35,852
I'm there.
490
00:19:35,853 --> 00:19:37,654
Third world? This is Rhode Island.
491
00:19:37,655 --> 00:19:38,922
Oh, really?
492
00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:40,957
Have you seen some of the
delis on Federal Hill?
493
00:19:40,958 --> 00:19:42,626
Oh-ho-ho! Rhode Island slam!
494
00:19:42,627 --> 00:19:45,628
Ho-ho! I like you, Sean Penn.
495
00:19:47,165 --> 00:19:50,000
Oh, my God, you saved my baby!
496
00:19:50,001 --> 00:19:52,736
Thank you so mu... Oh.
497
00:19:52,737 --> 00:19:54,638
Sean Penn.
498
00:19:54,639 --> 00:19:56,916
You're the one who
played that homosexual.
499
00:19:56,917 --> 00:19:57,674
Yeah.
500
00:19:57,675 --> 00:19:59,876
All right, well, I'll take my son now.
501
00:19:59,877 --> 00:20:02,312
I've brought enough vaccines
for your whole town.
502
00:20:02,313 --> 00:20:04,214
I hope you've realized
that vaccinations are not
503
00:20:04,215 --> 00:20:07,150
a freedom of choice issue,
they're a public health issue.
504
00:20:07,151 --> 00:20:10,620
Thanks to them, countless
serious diseases, mumps, polio,
505
00:20:10,621 --> 00:20:13,557
smallpox, and rubella, have
been all but eradicated.
506
00:20:13,558 --> 00:20:15,559
Like clean water and functional schools,
507
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,061
vaccinations are a human right.
508
00:20:18,062 --> 00:20:21,531
Great, just what I needed, a
lecture from liberal Hollywood.
509
00:20:21,532 --> 00:20:25,568
This whole thing has been a
lecture from liberal Hollywood.
510
00:20:29,407 --> 00:20:31,741
Well, it's a relief that
everyone's been vaccinated,
511
00:20:31,742 --> 00:20:33,276
and the quarantine has been lifted.
512
00:20:33,277 --> 00:20:35,345
Well, I'm just happy
that Stewie is healthy,
513
00:20:35,346 --> 00:20:38,882
and only 150 people died, but
not anyone we knew personally.
514
00:20:38,883 --> 00:20:41,351
Yeah, I know I sure learned something.
515
00:20:41,352 --> 00:20:42,552
(TAPPING ON WINDOW)
516
00:20:42,553 --> 00:20:44,695
Hey, do you like apples?
517
00:20:44,696 --> 00:20:46,056
Yeah.
518
00:20:46,057 --> 00:20:47,357
Well, I got her number.
519
00:20:47,358 --> 00:20:48,725
How do you like them apples?
520
00:20:48,726 --> 00:20:50,110
Oh, Bat Damon!
521
00:20:50,111 --> 00:20:52,030
You got the best of me again!