1
00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:02,200
"Simon and Kitty stood before
2
00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:05,003
"Pauline's crumbling fieldstone marker.
3
00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:07,338
"Moments later, in a nearby crypt,
4
00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:11,141
"Simon repeatedly plunged into Kitty,
5
00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:13,377
"the sounds of their passion
6
00:00:13,445 --> 00:00:15,779
"mixing with the wet summer air
7
00:00:15,848 --> 00:00:19,082
and the cicadas' desperate,
deafening, doomed song."
8
00:00:19,451 --> 00:00:20,517
The end.
9
00:00:20,586 --> 00:00:22,186
I inspired the ending!
10
00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:24,021
You should put in the
part about pulling out
11
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,455
so she doesn't have a ghost baby.
12
00:00:25,524 --> 00:00:26,524
Just kidding.
13
00:00:26,792 --> 00:00:29,160
- I think it's perfect.
- I am so happy with it.
14
00:00:29,833 --> 00:00:31,900
I mean, a theme that I
hadn't planned on exploring
15
00:00:32,064 --> 00:00:34,231
was the fallacy of the very concept
16
00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:36,900
of the familial paradigm in art.
17
00:00:36,969 --> 00:00:39,570
I mean, the idea still persists
18
00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:41,372
that family, somehow,
19
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:43,574
automatically prescribes closeness.
20
00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:45,743
Family is portrayed as
21
00:00:45,811 --> 00:00:48,278
a safe harbor, but nay,
22
00:00:48,347 --> 00:00:52,583
it is often the very Charybdis
that yanks us to the fathoms.
23
00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:53,884
- But not you, buddy.
- Not me.
24
00:00:53,953 --> 00:00:57,521
I am post-family.
25
00:00:57,590 --> 00:01:01,291
You are looking, finally,
at a truly free man.
26
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,027
Like Thoreau.
27
00:01:03,095 --> 00:01:04,528
Or the Unabomber.
28
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:05,763
So...
29
00:01:05,831 --> 00:01:07,731
are we okay?
30
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,333
Oh, my God, do we really
have to do thi...?
31
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,168
Nope, nope, just checking.
32
00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:16,473
Did you hear about this
murder off Mulholland?
33
00:01:16,542 --> 00:01:17,641
What?
34
00:01:17,710 --> 00:01:18,876
Yeah, it was four days ago.
35
00:01:18,944 --> 00:01:20,177
They found this girl.
36
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:22,813
And... oh, that is gruesome!
37
00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:25,015
"Murder, She Tweeted"?
38
00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:26,283
How do I not follow this account?
39
00:01:27,653 --> 00:01:29,787
Her head was chopped off.
40
00:01:29,855 --> 00:01:32,056
Her blood was drained?
41
00:01:32,124 --> 00:01:34,391
Bloody symbols on the rocks?
42
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:36,026
Jimmy!
43
00:01:36,095 --> 00:01:37,394
This happened right near our house.
44
00:01:37,463 --> 00:01:38,595
It could've been me!
45
00:01:38,664 --> 00:01:39,863
Can we go look?
46
00:01:39,932 --> 00:01:40,964
No way!
47
00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:42,866
It sounds very scary.
48
00:01:42,935 --> 00:01:44,735
Jimmy.
49
00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:49,673
Please?
50
00:01:49,742 --> 00:01:50,774
- Please.
- Oh.
51
00:01:50,843 --> 00:01:51,975
Please?
52
00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:54,712
Fine!
53
00:01:54,780 --> 00:01:57,314
You creepy, creepy murder girl.
54
00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:58,849
Yay!
55
00:01:58,918 --> 00:02:02,086
They say, when a murder scene is fresh,
56
00:02:02,154 --> 00:02:05,644
you can still smell the fear in the air.
57
00:02:05,669 --> 00:02:07,691
And afterwards, we can swing by
Echo Park and get paletas.
58
00:02:23,966 --> 00:02:28,966
-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
59
00:02:43,816 --> 00:02:46,717
Anyway, the show's called
Doug Loves Sketches,
60
00:02:46,786 --> 00:02:48,486
and it's a full-time gig.
61
00:02:48,554 --> 00:02:51,555
Like, this is what I'm
doing for a living now.
62
00:02:51,624 --> 00:02:52,751
I'm a comedy writer.
63
00:02:52,776 --> 00:02:55,010
Hey, can I get some salty
black sauce for this egg rice?
64
00:02:55,035 --> 00:02:57,002
Yeah. Where's your food?
65
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,609
Oh, I only have enough left for Jimmy.
66
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,746
Anyway, I'm super excited,
67
00:03:01,814 --> 00:03:04,548
but I'm also kind of
nervous to tell Dorothy.
68
00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:05,816
'Cause you're writing
for an Internet show
69
00:03:05,885 --> 00:03:07,333
and nobody cares about that?
70
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:09,453
She's been really low lately
71
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,889
and this might hurt her feelings.
72
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:13,424
So what?
73
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,660
Brah, she's taking that "D" on the reg;
74
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:16,961
it's her job to support you.
75
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,229
You got to speak up
76
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:20,202
and tell people what you want.
77
00:03:20,227 --> 00:03:21,999
You are the master
78
00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:23,734
of your own destiny.
79
00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:25,202
Don't be a martyr.
80
00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:26,504
I was a martyr.
81
00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:28,005
I almost martyred my husband,
82
00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:29,106
but I didn't.
83
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,808
You're right, Lindsay.
84
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,977
I should put myself first.
85
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,412
So,
86
00:03:34,437 --> 00:03:36,480
can I have some of your breakfast sushi?
87
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:38,983
Sorry, I licked it all already.
88
00:03:43,852 --> 00:03:46,219
This is gonna be so rad.
89
00:03:46,288 --> 00:03:47,387
Maybe they marked where the body is
90
00:03:47,456 --> 00:03:48,622
and I can lie down in it
91
00:03:48,690 --> 00:03:50,056
and experience her terror.
92
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:56,329
Oh!
93
00:03:56,398 --> 00:03:57,998
Oh, my God, It's so ugly.
94
00:03:58,066 --> 00:04:00,233
It looks like the fox in
the Nine Inch Nails video
95
00:04:00,302 --> 00:04:01,768
That's being eaten by ants.
96
00:04:01,837 --> 00:04:03,803
It looks like it should be
screaming at an old lady
97
00:04:03,872 --> 00:04:05,906
in an Aphex Twin video.
98
00:04:05,974 --> 00:04:07,707
Why is its face so swollen?
99
00:04:07,776 --> 00:04:10,343
Did Becca give birth
directly over a beehive?
100
00:04:10,412 --> 00:04:12,245
Even at an illegal baby
mill, they'd be like,
101
00:04:12,314 --> 00:04:13,747
"Yeah, that's okay. We're good."
102
00:04:13,815 --> 00:04:15,415
Aw.
103
00:04:17,619 --> 00:04:19,319
Aah!
104
00:04:19,388 --> 00:04:20,554
Oh, shitsticks!
105
00:04:20,622 --> 00:04:22,756
Jimmy, Five-O!
106
00:04:22,824 --> 00:04:24,024
Good spotting, Goose.
107
00:04:40,008 --> 00:04:41,675
Hup!
108
00:04:43,912 --> 00:04:46,012
- Yeah?
- 17 seconds. New record.
109
00:04:46,081 --> 00:04:47,681
Okay.
110
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,032
Okay.
111
00:05:06,101 --> 00:05:07,267
Page one... preliminary
settlement offer.
112
00:05:09,071 --> 00:05:11,238
You're supposed to write
it on a piece of paper
113
00:05:11,306 --> 00:05:12,939
and slide it over.
114
00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:14,241
Watch.
115
00:05:14,309 --> 00:05:17,844
Here's my initial offer.
116
00:05:25,432 --> 00:05:27,766
This is just a drawing of a cat.
117
00:05:27,835 --> 00:05:29,301
It's just a starting point.
118
00:05:29,368 --> 00:05:31,769
It's called a negotiation.
119
00:05:31,838 --> 00:05:33,804
Now, you go.
120
00:05:33,873 --> 00:05:37,875
My initial spousal
support offer is $2,000.
121
00:05:37,944 --> 00:05:39,410
Accepted!
122
00:05:39,479 --> 00:05:41,879
$2,000 a month, Lindsay.
123
00:05:41,948 --> 00:05:44,715
I know, that's so much money.
124
00:05:44,784 --> 00:05:46,217
I accept.
125
00:05:46,285 --> 00:05:49,220
Negotiations are over.
126
00:05:49,288 --> 00:05:51,589
You know, you have to pay
for your own apartment.
127
00:05:51,657 --> 00:05:54,158
Great. How much are apartments,
like two hundo?
128
00:05:54,227 --> 00:05:55,426
So, that's good.
129
00:05:55,495 --> 00:05:56,927
No, Lindsay.
130
00:05:56,996 --> 00:05:58,395
It's bad.
131
00:05:58,464 --> 00:06:00,297
It's really, really bad.
132
00:06:03,870 --> 00:06:05,636
I'm cucking you now.
133
00:06:06,455 --> 00:06:08,155
I'm the hot wife.
134
00:06:08,223 --> 00:06:10,357
I do not like this piece of paper.
135
00:06:10,425 --> 00:06:13,493
I'm finally getting what I want,
136
00:06:13,562 --> 00:06:15,762
and what I want
137
00:06:15,831 --> 00:06:17,164
is to watch you burn.
138
00:06:17,232 --> 00:06:18,698
Oh, yes.
139
00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:20,367
Burn!
140
00:06:31,413 --> 00:06:32,679
Okay.
141
00:06:32,748 --> 00:06:35,849
Page two... 401K distributions.
142
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,169
Uh, hi.
143
00:06:39,202 --> 00:06:40,468
Uh, Edgar Quintero.
144
00:06:40,536 --> 00:06:42,369
- I have a meeting with Doug.
- Oh, sure.
145
00:06:42,439 --> 00:06:44,138
Have a seat, Mr. Benson
will be right with you.
146
00:06:44,163 --> 00:06:46,263
Oh, uh, hey.
147
00:06:46,288 --> 00:06:47,921
What happened to the other assistant?
148
00:06:48,078 --> 00:06:49,777
She died.
149
00:06:49,846 --> 00:06:51,815
Mugging in broad daylight.
150
00:06:51,831 --> 00:06:53,931
Fortunately, the guy she
mugged is gonna be fine.
151
00:06:54,399 --> 00:06:56,834
It's a joke.
152
00:06:56,902 --> 00:06:59,203
It was stomach cancer. She went quick.
153
00:07:01,501 --> 00:07:03,579
Hey, can I ask you a question?
154
00:07:03,604 --> 00:07:05,063
Do you like your job?
155
00:07:05,088 --> 00:07:06,304
It's pretty great.
156
00:07:06,373 --> 00:07:08,573
It really suits my lifestyle.
157
00:07:08,642 --> 00:07:11,643
I just sit around all day,
answer some calls.
158
00:07:11,712 --> 00:07:13,478
You're supposed to throw
away your personal food
159
00:07:13,547 --> 00:07:15,914
at the end of the week,
but a lot of people don't.
160
00:07:15,983 --> 00:07:17,949
Gwen might be done
with that açaí bowl,
161
00:07:18,018 --> 00:07:19,418
but Dutch isn't.
162
00:07:21,837 --> 00:07:25,290
Well, would you ever give up
your job for a relationship?
163
00:07:25,359 --> 00:07:27,292
Whoa, uh...
164
00:07:27,361 --> 00:07:30,475
Well, that is completely
out of the blue.
165
00:07:30,561 --> 00:07:31,764
Edgar.
166
00:07:31,789 --> 00:07:32,954
Come on in.
167
00:07:33,307 --> 00:07:34,239
Thanks.
168
00:07:34,264 --> 00:07:35,830
What's up?
169
00:07:35,899 --> 00:07:38,099
Uh, listen, Doug.
170
00:07:41,405 --> 00:07:42,604
I can't do the show.
171
00:07:42,673 --> 00:07:45,672
- My girlfriend...
- Sloppy-blow-job Dorothy?
172
00:07:45,697 --> 00:07:47,617
W-What? Um...
173
00:07:48,412 --> 00:07:50,445
A-Anyway, she's...
174
00:07:50,514 --> 00:07:52,213
She's been going through
a really tough time,
175
00:07:52,282 --> 00:07:55,817
and I feel like my
having this opportunity
176
00:07:55,886 --> 00:07:57,141
is making her feel worse.
177
00:07:57,149 --> 00:07:59,883
I see. Well, I'll be sad to see you go.
178
00:07:59,951 --> 00:08:01,918
Dutch, can you get me UTA?
179
00:08:01,987 --> 00:08:03,853
I need some lower
level writer résumés.
180
00:08:03,922 --> 00:08:05,788
I don't know, maybe
I'm making a mistake.
181
00:08:05,857 --> 00:08:08,224
I'm supposed to be supporting
her, but really, by quitting,
182
00:08:08,293 --> 00:08:09,726
I'm not standing up for my needs,
183
00:08:09,794 --> 00:08:11,728
which is ultimately bad
for our relationship.
184
00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:14,194
So, maybe I shouldn't quit.
185
00:08:14,718 --> 00:08:16,118
Oh, cool!
186
00:08:16,186 --> 00:08:18,797
So, you just came into
my office to not quit.
187
00:08:18,822 --> 00:08:20,398
That's a pretty good use of my time.
188
00:08:20,422 --> 00:08:22,388
So now I get to go to
your house with a sandwich
189
00:08:22,457 --> 00:08:24,691
and be like, "I don't
want this sandwich."
190
00:08:24,759 --> 00:08:27,760
But then say, "I want this
sandwich," and then explain why?
191
00:08:27,829 --> 00:08:30,063
- So, I get to do that now?
- Sure.
192
00:08:30,131 --> 00:08:31,531
That's actually a really great bit.
193
00:08:31,599 --> 00:08:34,434
Get a camera, shoot it over the weekend.
194
00:08:34,502 --> 00:08:35,768
I'll get Andy Richter
to play the sandwich
195
00:08:35,837 --> 00:08:36,969
and I'll see you on Monday.
196
00:08:38,710 --> 00:08:40,777
All right.
197
00:08:40,846 --> 00:08:42,323
Cool.
198
00:08:46,605 --> 00:08:47,612
All right, man.
199
00:08:47,659 --> 00:08:49,859
I just e-mailed Doug my
letter of resignation.
200
00:08:50,482 --> 00:08:51,248
What?
201
00:08:51,295 --> 00:08:52,327
I'm willing to try this
202
00:08:52,397 --> 00:08:53,563
with you, dude.
203
00:08:53,632 --> 00:08:55,365
I really don't think I'm gay,
204
00:08:55,433 --> 00:08:57,500
but is my life so perfect
205
00:08:57,569 --> 00:08:59,235
that I can afford to be closed off?
206
00:08:59,304 --> 00:09:00,603
And when you think about it,
207
00:09:00,672 --> 00:09:01,738
homosexuality really
208
00:09:01,806 --> 00:09:03,039
suits my lifestyle...
209
00:09:03,336 --> 00:09:04,429
Sitting around,
210
00:09:04,469 --> 00:09:06,936
chugging cold ones, playing vids...
211
00:09:06,961 --> 00:09:08,127
- What? No.
- Assume you got to suck a dick
212
00:09:08,156 --> 00:09:09,622
once in a while, but whatever.
213
00:09:09,691 --> 00:09:11,223
I've put weirder things in my mouth.
214
00:09:11,292 --> 00:09:13,225
I-I-I was talking about me
215
00:09:13,294 --> 00:09:14,560
and my girlfriend.
216
00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:16,028
What?
217
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,930
Oh, no!
218
00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:20,599
I just told Doug Benson I quit
219
00:09:20,668 --> 00:09:22,935
and to kiss my gay ass!
220
00:09:23,004 --> 00:09:25,271
He's been nothing but nice to me!
221
00:09:25,340 --> 00:09:27,373
Why do I keep doing this?
222
00:09:30,474 --> 00:09:31,707
Hey-hey, Doug.
223
00:09:31,775 --> 00:09:33,108
What the hell is going on?
224
00:09:33,177 --> 00:09:35,144
- It was... I'm not gay.
- Are you kidding?
225
00:09:35,212 --> 00:09:36,612
I mean, I might be gay, but
I'm not... I don't think I am.
226
00:09:37,951 --> 00:09:39,784
I can't get an Uber to pick me up.
227
00:09:39,853 --> 00:09:41,886
I think my rating's
too low. What's yours?
228
00:09:42,094 --> 00:09:44,628
Oh, bad. Apparently, they don't like it
229
00:09:44,690 --> 00:09:46,238
when you call multiple companies
230
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:47,480
and make them race to pick you up.
231
00:09:50,486 --> 00:09:51,986
Becca's gonna be the worst mom.
232
00:09:52,054 --> 00:09:53,354
You can tell just by looking
233
00:09:53,422 --> 00:09:55,222
at a kid, if they have
good or bad parents.
234
00:09:55,247 --> 00:09:57,414
Well, how?
235
00:09:57,527 --> 00:09:59,093
Okay.
236
00:09:59,162 --> 00:10:00,728
See that kid... black dress socks,
237
00:10:00,796 --> 00:10:02,329
stained shirt?
238
00:10:02,398 --> 00:10:04,365
His parents don't give a shit.
239
00:10:04,433 --> 00:10:06,200
Now, that one
240
00:10:06,269 --> 00:10:09,086
with the perfect fade,
pressed shirt, he's totally hot.
241
00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:11,267
His parents care a shit ton.
242
00:10:11,335 --> 00:10:14,403
When I'm a mom, my kid
is gonna look fly as hell
243
00:10:14,472 --> 00:10:16,138
'cause I'm gonna care
the shit out of that kid.
244
00:10:16,207 --> 00:10:18,040
That kid's not that hot.
245
00:10:18,109 --> 00:10:19,842
Now, that kid,
246
00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:22,278
he's tanned a perfect bronze,
247
00:10:22,346 --> 00:10:23,946
his bod is banging.
248
00:10:24,015 --> 00:10:25,614
He doesn't even have a six-pack.
249
00:10:25,683 --> 00:10:27,550
Check out midriff.
250
00:10:27,618 --> 00:10:29,385
Oh! That ass!
251
00:10:29,453 --> 00:10:31,320
Like it was carved
252
00:10:31,389 --> 00:10:33,222
- out of marble.
- I think you two should leave.
253
00:10:33,291 --> 00:10:34,657
- How dare you?!
- Who even becomes
254
00:10:34,725 --> 00:10:36,258
- a third-grade teacher anyhow?
- This has nothing
255
00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:38,027
- to do with you.
- "Oh, I'm not nurturing enough to be a
256
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,895
- "kindergarten teacher,
- This is between us and the urchins.
257
00:10:39,964 --> 00:10:41,697
- "but I can't quite master compoundsentences.
- Why don't you just
258
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:43,232
- go back to your job, you old cow?
- Where do I belong?"
259
00:10:45,417 --> 00:10:46,292
Hey,
260
00:10:46,316 --> 00:10:47,482
my therapist is at Edendale.
261
00:10:47,550 --> 00:10:48,850
Want to come watch me yell at her?
262
00:10:48,918 --> 00:10:51,152
You mean, instead of
going to the murder place?
263
00:10:51,221 --> 00:10:53,020
Oh, hell no. On the way.
264
00:10:53,089 --> 00:10:54,931
I just need you to see
how awesome I've gotten
265
00:10:54,956 --> 00:10:56,022
at heckling her.
266
00:10:56,047 --> 00:10:57,547
I found out she has diabetes...
267
00:10:57,572 --> 00:10:58,971
Really opened things up,
268
00:10:59,329 --> 00:11:01,028
high-ass sugar-having bitch.
269
00:11:01,097 --> 00:11:02,697
Huh, then we'll stop by the
house and pick up the car.
270
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:05,500
Can you at least
271
00:11:05,568 --> 00:11:08,336
give me some money
up-front to get started?
272
00:11:08,404 --> 00:11:09,770
Please.
273
00:11:25,054 --> 00:11:28,056
Did you just actually open
up a bank app and deposit it
274
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,522
or did you just take a photo of it?
275
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:31,956
What are you talking about?
276
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:35,527
Did you observe people
using e-check deposit
277
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,061
and now, as a result,
278
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,797
think you can just take a photo
279
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,542
and it magically goes
into your bank account?
280
00:11:41,753 --> 00:11:44,302
Oh, my God.
281
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,305
This is so freeing.
282
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,087
I can finally say it.
283
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:54,412
You are so stupid!
284
00:11:55,244 --> 00:11:56,276
Why does no one talk about
285
00:11:56,345 --> 00:11:57,509
how dumb she is?
286
00:11:57,557 --> 00:12:00,858
She's like the dumbest
person on the planet!
287
00:12:00,927 --> 00:12:03,093
50 years ago, she would be
288
00:12:03,162 --> 00:12:05,763
- sterilized for the good of evolution.
- I'm not so
289
00:12:05,832 --> 00:12:07,815
stupid that I couldn't get you
to let me bone another guy
290
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,567
in front of you and make you think
291
00:12:09,635 --> 00:12:10,935
it was for our marriage.
292
00:12:11,003 --> 00:12:13,437
Get out!
293
00:12:13,506 --> 00:12:14,338
Out!
294
00:12:21,665 --> 00:12:23,331
Uh, excuse you.
295
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,999
Ooh...
296
00:12:25,068 --> 00:12:27,969
Look who's here!
297
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:29,704
Remember?
298
00:12:29,773 --> 00:12:31,539
That talking baby movie?
299
00:12:31,608 --> 00:12:32,707
Look Who's Here?
300
00:12:32,776 --> 00:12:34,576
Well, I'll tell you who's here.
301
00:12:34,644 --> 00:12:36,744
Tallulah. Ooh, ooh.
302
00:12:36,813 --> 00:12:39,147
It's me, you turkeys.
303
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:45,944
I'm ready, Vernon.
304
00:12:45,968 --> 00:12:48,302
I'm ready to start a new
life in Méjico
305
00:12:48,371 --> 00:12:50,237
and find a woman who really loves me.
306
00:12:50,306 --> 00:12:51,372
What?
307
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,322
Oh. Nah,
308
00:12:53,362 --> 00:12:54,695
I hadn't met the baby when I said that.
309
00:12:54,763 --> 00:12:57,831
I love her so goddamn much, nerd.
310
00:12:57,900 --> 00:12:59,566
Plus, I can't leave her with Bec.
311
00:12:59,635 --> 00:13:02,169
She will JonBenet her fo' sho',
312
00:13:02,238 --> 00:13:04,805
or leave her on a bench at
the Marina del Rey Rosé Fest
313
00:13:04,874 --> 00:13:06,473
or some shit.
314
00:13:06,542 --> 00:13:08,508
You're really giving
up those big naturals?
315
00:13:11,046 --> 00:13:11,945
Huh.
316
00:13:17,195 --> 00:13:18,661
Tallulah.
317
00:13:18,730 --> 00:13:20,263
Uh, sorry, Paul.
318
00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:21,865
You're not part of this family anymore.
319
00:13:21,933 --> 00:13:25,134
You know, when I was in high school,
320
00:13:25,203 --> 00:13:27,303
you wouldn't have existed to me.
321
00:13:27,372 --> 00:13:30,139
Now, we can just return to
that natural state of things.
322
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:33,343
Hi.
323
00:13:38,583 --> 00:13:39,549
Vernon?
324
00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:41,169
Just go.
325
00:13:41,209 --> 00:13:42,108
Get out of here, nerd.
326
00:13:42,177 --> 00:13:43,209
But...
327
00:13:43,278 --> 00:13:44,878
Go on.
328
00:13:44,946 --> 00:13:45,745
- Get!
- Ah...
329
00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:00,137
- Gretchen!
- Ha!
330
00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:01,405
Found you again, dummy,
331
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,974
just followed the trail
of insulin needles.
332
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:08,517
I pictured her so much
taller and more muscular.
333
00:14:08,549 --> 00:14:09,815
You told them about me?
334
00:14:09,884 --> 00:14:11,267
You're not allowed to talk about me.
335
00:14:11,292 --> 00:14:13,551
I'm so glad you came.
336
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,854
I Foursquared it, just hoping you'd see.
337
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,322
Oh, hey, hey.
338
00:14:17,391 --> 00:14:19,257
Do...Do that thing
where you call me names.
339
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:20,592
Ooh, yes, yes, yes.
340
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,560
Like...
341
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:23,728
titty-sucking bitch?
342
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:28,600
Oh, I am going to miss that, Gretchen.
343
00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:30,068
Actually, I'm...
344
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,669
I'm leaving town.
345
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:34,305
My boyfriend got into
the dramaturgy program
346
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:36,307
at the University of Iowa.
347
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,610
So, I feel like I need
to support him in that.
348
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:40,245
He doesn't even have a car.
349
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:41,613
He uses Justina's
350
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:43,581
credit card when he buys her presents.
351
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:45,617
Okay, shut up, you guys. He's on a path.
352
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,519
You're choosing your
boyfriend over your career?
353
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,721
Oh, that's a terrible example for women.
354
00:14:49,790 --> 00:14:51,489
And diabetics!
355
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,025
She's amazing.
356
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,059
Can I have her?
357
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,728
No! Look, we can still
358
00:14:56,797 --> 00:14:58,196
do Skype sessions, right?
359
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:01,166
Iowa has got the Internet, I think.
360
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,467
Okay.
361
00:15:04,879 --> 00:15:07,447
I'm gonna show you my titties, though,
362
00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:08,815
and then you're gonna
try to suck on them
363
00:15:08,883 --> 00:15:10,617
through the screen.
364
00:15:10,685 --> 00:15:12,151
Oh, my God.
365
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:14,554
When you first came to me,
you were out of touch,
366
00:15:14,623 --> 00:15:17,924
even with your most rudimentary
behavioral patterns,
367
00:15:17,993 --> 00:15:19,559
but you have done the work
368
00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:21,227
and you have grown so much.
369
00:15:21,930 --> 00:15:23,930
And I'm proud of you.
370
00:15:25,935 --> 00:15:27,286
Bitch.
371
00:15:27,783 --> 00:15:29,717
Bitch to you, too, Gretchen.
372
00:15:32,045 --> 00:15:33,578
Mm-mm.
373
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:52,733
Hey!
374
00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:55,335
So, Doug Benson offered
me a full-time staff job
375
00:15:55,405 --> 00:15:56,738
and I wasn't gonna take it
376
00:15:56,806 --> 00:15:57,972
because I didn't want you to feel bad,
377
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,436
but instead, I decided to keep it,
378
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,559
because I'm becoming a real person,
379
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:02,860
which in turn,
380
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,128
will make me a better partner for you.
381
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,162
Isn't that great?
382
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:07,164
Uh, slow down.
383
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,400
He offered you a staff
job and you were gonna
384
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:13,003
turn it down because of
me? But I didn't. And now,
385
00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:15,439
I can support you
while things are tough.
386
00:16:17,996 --> 00:16:19,443
What?
387
00:16:19,872 --> 00:16:21,305
I'm not gonna make it.
388
00:16:21,373 --> 00:16:22,699
What?
389
00:16:22,739 --> 00:16:25,590
- Why would you say that?
- Because I'm not, Edgar.
390
00:16:25,596 --> 00:16:27,175
I'm not, okay? Face it.
391
00:16:27,957 --> 00:16:29,857
And the mere fact that you were
even thinking of turning down
392
00:16:29,926 --> 00:16:30,992
this amazing gig
393
00:16:31,060 --> 00:16:31,859
because you feel sorry for me
394
00:16:31,928 --> 00:16:33,528
means you don't love me.
395
00:16:33,596 --> 00:16:35,363
You pity me. That's not love.
396
00:16:35,432 --> 00:16:36,964
I don't want that.
397
00:16:38,704 --> 00:16:40,704
I'm moving back to Jacksonville, Edgar.
398
00:16:41,974 --> 00:16:43,640
N-No. What?
399
00:16:43,709 --> 00:16:44,874
No, uh, then-then...
400
00:16:44,943 --> 00:16:46,776
Then I'll come with you.
401
00:16:46,845 --> 00:16:48,678
I-I love Texas...
402
00:16:48,747 --> 00:16:50,914
The barbecues, rodeos, South By.
403
00:16:50,983 --> 00:16:52,716
No, Florida.
404
00:16:52,784 --> 00:16:53,917
Oh, God.
405
00:16:53,986 --> 00:16:56,152
Oh, no. That's way worse.
406
00:16:58,047 --> 00:17:01,117
Look, I don't want you to
martyr yourself for me.
407
00:17:01,203 --> 00:17:03,601
I want you to stay here
and have your dream.
408
00:17:03,633 --> 00:17:04,666
But what about your dream?
409
00:17:07,331 --> 00:17:09,704
Not everybody gets their dream.
410
00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:14,957
Hey, if you know anybody
411
00:17:15,026 --> 00:17:17,226
who wants to take over my
lease, will you let me know?
412
00:17:18,845 --> 00:17:20,587
Thank you
413
00:17:20,626 --> 00:17:22,325
for being a wonderful boyfriend.
414
00:17:22,394 --> 00:17:23,560
I'm sorry.
415
00:17:25,766 --> 00:17:27,030
I failed.
416
00:17:41,371 --> 00:17:43,220
- You've had enough?
- Who's hungry?
417
00:17:43,869 --> 00:17:44,801
No? Who's hungry?
418
00:17:44,870 --> 00:17:46,057
Not hungry?
419
00:17:46,238 --> 00:17:48,505
So, um...
420
00:17:48,574 --> 00:17:50,707
is that formula only for babies,
421
00:17:50,776 --> 00:17:53,010
or can hungry big boys
get in on it, too?
422
00:17:54,380 --> 00:17:55,312
Ew.
423
00:17:55,381 --> 00:17:56,313
Don't you listen to him.
424
00:17:56,338 --> 00:17:58,271
Can I talk to you for a minute?
425
00:17:58,384 --> 00:18:00,295
Yeah.
426
00:18:00,319 --> 00:18:02,419
You got her?
427
00:18:02,488 --> 00:18:03,353
- I got her.
- Careful, careful.
428
00:18:03,422 --> 00:18:04,421
Hi, Tallulah.
429
00:18:04,490 --> 00:18:06,423
- Who wants the blues?
- No, no.
430
00:18:06,492 --> 00:18:08,992
No one wants that.
431
00:18:09,061 --> 00:18:10,828
Weird poop in my diaper
432
00:18:10,896 --> 00:18:12,830
Just change her, for God's sakes.
433
00:18:12,898 --> 00:18:15,058
Spit-up on my chin.
434
00:18:15,082 --> 00:18:16,949
Can I live at your house again?
435
00:18:17,018 --> 00:18:19,451
You mean, until a week from
now when you change your mind
436
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,821
and decide to move back in
with SpongeNerd SquareFace?
437
00:18:22,890 --> 00:18:25,257
It's over for real this time.
438
00:18:25,326 --> 00:18:26,692
He called me stupid.
439
00:18:26,761 --> 00:18:28,027
Can you believe that?
440
00:18:28,095 --> 00:18:29,962
What? No!
441
00:18:30,031 --> 00:18:32,471
You? What...?
442
00:18:32,558 --> 00:18:35,258
- I know.
- Well, I just don't know
443
00:18:35,327 --> 00:18:37,661
if we have the ability
to house another baby,
444
00:18:37,730 --> 00:18:39,863
you know, even if it is being raised
445
00:18:39,932 --> 00:18:42,666
by a financially
disadvantaged single mother.
446
00:18:43,522 --> 00:18:45,147
There's no baby.
447
00:18:45,186 --> 00:18:46,552
It'll just be me.
448
00:18:49,123 --> 00:18:52,525
Well, you would have to be
Tallulah's full-time nanny.
449
00:18:52,594 --> 00:18:55,828
Josefina quit because Vernon
kept shooting Nerf darts at her
450
00:18:55,897 --> 00:18:58,097
- while she vacuums.
- Yes! My kid just
451
00:18:58,166 --> 00:19:00,233
dropped a major duke! Don't worry, Beck,
452
00:19:00,301 --> 00:19:02,001
- I got this.
- I have to admit,
453
00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:05,711
part of me is jealous.
454
00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:08,114
It's gonna be at least 18 years
455
00:19:08,183 --> 00:19:10,768
before I can divorce Vernon,
456
00:19:10,792 --> 00:19:12,592
cut my hair off,
457
00:19:12,661 --> 00:19:15,395
get a golden retriever,
458
00:19:15,463 --> 00:19:18,197
wear chunky knits,
459
00:19:18,266 --> 00:19:20,867
and just redo my kitchen.
460
00:19:21,787 --> 00:19:24,822
Over and over, forever.
461
00:19:24,891 --> 00:19:28,259
If I were you,I would
revel in my freedom.
462
00:19:28,327 --> 00:19:29,536
- Yeah.
- Babe,
463
00:19:29,576 --> 00:19:31,776
- can I get a little help up here?
- Freedom.
464
00:19:31,845 --> 00:19:36,057
Babe, baby, babe, help me!
Babe, help me!
465
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,043
You know, so I realized
I can't live with Becca.
466
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,179
I need freedom.
467
00:19:42,863 --> 00:19:44,596
Hey, are you sure she's gone?
468
00:19:49,727 --> 00:19:51,398
I'm sorry.
469
00:19:51,430 --> 00:19:52,477
I liked that rando.
470
00:19:52,502 --> 00:19:53,430
I know.
471
00:19:55,071 --> 00:19:57,617
This is so weird.
472
00:19:57,633 --> 00:20:00,801
I'm still not even sure
what exactly happened.
473
00:20:00,869 --> 00:20:04,371
I never understand anything
that happens to me.
474
00:20:05,541 --> 00:20:06,973
Are you okay?
475
00:20:07,042 --> 00:20:09,409
I think, once she said it,
476
00:20:09,478 --> 00:20:11,244
part of me wanted her to go.
477
00:20:11,313 --> 00:20:13,703
She was kind of bumming me out.
478
00:20:15,663 --> 00:20:17,663
How horrible is that of me?
479
00:20:17,731 --> 00:20:19,932
I mean, it's not supposed
to work like that.
480
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,366
Right?
481
00:20:21,435 --> 00:20:22,734
And then it does.
482
00:20:22,803 --> 00:20:24,803
Are you gonna be okay here?
483
00:20:24,872 --> 00:20:26,672
Even though I'm alone and broke
484
00:20:26,740 --> 00:20:29,241
and live in the poorest
apartment in the world...
485
00:20:30,644 --> 00:20:33,282
- ...I feel good.
- Good!
486
00:20:34,188 --> 00:20:36,446
I'll be by in the morning to help you...
487
00:20:36,477 --> 00:20:38,144
- spruce this place up.
- Thanks, Edgar.
488
00:20:38,212 --> 00:20:39,979
I'll buy you a pizza...
489
00:20:40,047 --> 00:20:42,014
- Hmm!
- Oh, wait. I just remembered
490
00:20:42,083 --> 00:20:44,583
I don't have any money.
Can you bring me a pizza?
491
00:20:44,652 --> 00:20:45,851
No.
492
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,686
Good boy.
493
00:21:23,852 --> 00:21:25,385
Jimmy!
494
00:21:26,455 --> 00:21:28,955
Jimmy!
495
00:21:29,024 --> 00:21:30,657
Oh, my God,
496
00:21:30,726 --> 00:21:33,393
it's so scary!
497
00:21:33,462 --> 00:21:35,095
Jimmy!
498
00:21:35,164 --> 00:21:37,063
What does it mean?
499
00:21:37,132 --> 00:21:40,333
Jimmy...
500
00:21:40,402 --> 00:21:42,836
I want to touch it. Can I touch it?
501
00:21:42,905 --> 00:21:45,572
Oh, Jimmy, I'm gonna touch it.
502
00:21:49,137 --> 00:21:50,403
Jimmy!
503
00:21:50,472 --> 00:21:51,838
Jimmy!
504
00:21:51,906 --> 00:21:53,172
What are you doing?
505
00:21:53,241 --> 00:21:56,309
The world is absolutely lousy
506
00:21:56,377 --> 00:21:57,944
with people,
507
00:21:58,012 --> 00:22:01,180
and I hate them all.
508
00:22:01,249 --> 00:22:03,182
I hate everyone...
509
00:22:04,297 --> 00:22:05,405
but you.
510
00:22:05,437 --> 00:22:07,603
Yeah. I hate everyone else, too.
511
00:22:07,672 --> 00:22:09,639
Now, let's look for clues.
512
00:22:09,707 --> 00:22:11,641
You did something
really horrible for us.
513
00:22:11,709 --> 00:22:14,744
You went to therapy,
and for me you did this.
514
00:22:14,813 --> 00:22:19,215
And thus, you deserve as
grand a gesture in return.
515
00:22:19,284 --> 00:22:23,753
And since I am 100%
psychologically sound
516
00:22:23,822 --> 00:22:26,989
and do not need therapy of any kind...
517
00:22:31,396 --> 00:22:33,029
Gretchen,
518
00:22:33,098 --> 00:22:36,899
extraordinary, confounding Gretchen,
519
00:22:36,968 --> 00:22:40,303
she who emits more energy than
520
00:22:40,371 --> 00:22:42,905
a dying galaxy, despite
not washing her legs,
521
00:22:42,974 --> 00:22:45,308
together we transcend
522
00:22:45,376 --> 00:22:49,115
the... mundanity down there.
523
00:22:49,139 --> 00:22:52,907
Separate, it shall eventually
consume us and turn us
524
00:22:52,976 --> 00:22:56,244
as mundane as them, and
to allow that to happen
525
00:22:56,312 --> 00:22:59,313
simply because we were scared
526
00:22:59,382 --> 00:23:01,949
would be a criminal act.
527
00:23:02,018 --> 00:23:03,620
Wait, but the murder...?
528
00:23:04,236 --> 00:23:05,698
I made it up.
529
00:23:06,256 --> 00:23:08,890
The article? The Twitter account?
530
00:23:09,613 --> 00:23:10,879
Me.
531
00:23:10,948 --> 00:23:12,648
The D.U.I. checkpoint?
532
00:23:12,717 --> 00:23:15,384
Oh, no. That was real. No, we
were way lucky on that one.
533
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,059
Jimmy,
534
00:23:24,128 --> 00:23:26,808
Yeah, n... Wait.
535
00:23:26,847 --> 00:23:29,534
You haven't actually asked yet.
I am not doing that again.
536
00:23:29,566 --> 00:23:31,766
Will you marry me?
537
00:23:33,324 --> 00:23:34,323
Yes!
538
00:23:40,701 --> 00:23:43,095
You made a murder for me!
539
00:23:51,277 --> 00:23:52,710
Hey, uh, you ever
540
00:23:52,778 --> 00:23:55,179
boned down during the
Hollywood Bowl fireworks?
541
00:23:55,683 --> 00:23:56,597
I mean, of course.
542
00:23:56,613 --> 00:23:59,113
Yeah, me, too, but not
as an engaged person.
543
00:23:59,182 --> 00:24:00,548
Oh...
544
00:24:00,617 --> 00:24:03,484
I'll get us a hoodie
from the car to lie on.
545
00:24:03,787 --> 00:24:05,520
Hurry back.
546
00:24:05,636 --> 00:24:07,903
This fits, you know?
547
00:24:08,344 --> 00:24:10,778
You lost your dad, but...
548
00:24:10,847 --> 00:24:12,146
you gained me.
549
00:24:12,215 --> 00:24:14,355
We're a family.
550
00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:16,647
That's pretty cool, right?
551
00:24:16,772 --> 00:24:19,006
We're no longer just
552
00:24:19,031 --> 00:24:20,464
whatever we were.
553
00:24:20,489 --> 00:24:23,457
We're no longer... just us.
554
00:24:24,324 --> 00:24:26,691
We're a family now.
555
00:24:41,407 --> 00:24:42,806
Whoo!
556
00:25:58,516 --> 00:26:03,516
-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --