1
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:40,000
Right, who are we giving
our possessions to today?

2
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,000
I am not going into Age Aid.
That woman is a nightmare.

3
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:46,000
She's as deef as a post and
a rude cow intae the bargain.

4
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,000
She blames ye cos she cannae
hear ye. Thinks yer mumblin'.

5
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,000
I had to shout at the top of
ma voice, "It's a jumper!"

6
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,000
And The Home Start Trust,
you can forget that

7
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,000
because she is a snooty Nazi cow.

8
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,000
Rejecting stuff from yer bag.
"No, no".

9
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,000
Oh, aye, been there and done that.

10
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:05,000
"There's a pair of trousers for
your charity, dear, cheery-by!"

11
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,000
"Hold your horses!
Have these trousers been laundered?"

12
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:11,000
"Naw, hen, of course not. I took a dump
in them this morning and just thought,

13
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,000
"I'll bring them up here,
save me washing them!"

14
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,000
"And if you hold the zipper up
to yer beak,

15
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,000
"you'll detect the unmistakable
whiff of pish."

16
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,000
"Get them washed, get them hung up

17
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,000
"and get on with yer charity work,
ya Hitler bastard."

18
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,000
That's my wee stable all set out.

19
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,000
All powdered off with white pepper.

20
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,000
Delicious!

21
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,000
Oh, racing...on.

22
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,000
FAINT COMMENTARY

23
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,000
You can shut up, for a start.

24
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,000
You'll no be ruining my wee
self party with your free boiler,

25
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,000
or accident that I havenae
claimed for,

26
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,000
or yer, indeed, your PPI pish.

27
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,000
And that goes for you an' all.

28
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,000
I'm no' interested in you.

29
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:58,000
For, you are a Manila
envelope...with a window in it,

30
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,000
which I have no intention
of keeking into.

31
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,000
No joy has ever come of your kind.

32
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:12,000
So, it's the cat charity again, eh?
Aye, where is that?

33
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,000
Up there, sure.
Next to the suntan place.

34
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,000
The suntan place? Aye, there.

35
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,000
Browned Furra Pound.

36
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,000
Oh, aye.

37
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,000
So, what ye givin' them?

38
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,000
Shirt. Still in the wrapper.

39
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,000
John sent it over
about ten Christmases ago.

40
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,000
It's no use. It's too big.
It's enormous!

41
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,000
It's for a big, bubble-bodied,
fat fella.

42
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,000
17.5 collar.

43
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,000
That would do me. And I love maroon.

44
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:39,000
Wish you health to wear it.
What have you got?

45
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,000
Eh? Oh, aye, um...this.

46
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,000
It's a monkey smoking a fag.
It's hideous, intit?

47
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,000
I mean, what clown would gie ye that
as a gift?

48
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,000
I got you that. Did ye? Aye.
Give it to me, I'll take it.

49
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,000
If I'm honest, I bought it fur
myself, but yer birthday rolled up.

50
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,000
Is that a tray?

51
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,000
Aye. It's got a map
of Loch Lomond on it.

52
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:03,000
Oh! I love maps! Haud the bus.
What are you gein me for it?

53
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,000
Er...

54
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,000
Recorder. It's Fiona's.
She was red rotten at it.

55
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,000
It's fae Alicante.

56
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,000
You say Alicante, I say AliCAN.

57
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,000
To me! I'll get that learned.

58
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,000
HE PLAYS A TUNE

59
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000
A spoon?

60
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,000
A-huh, that's right, yes.

61
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,000
It's for jam or sugar or salt, etc.

62
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,000
It's from Troon.

63
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,000
Oh, I see that.

64
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,000
And the stuff in the bags,
is that for us?

65
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,000
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

66
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,000
No, this is good stuff.
Naw, it's just the spoon today.

67
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,000
So there ye have it.

68
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,000
The spoon for stirring tea,
or coffee,

69
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,000
or cod liver oil if you're no well.

70
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,000
I'm across how a spoon works.

71
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,000
The cats will be very grateful.

72
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,000
Are ye no wantin' it, like?

73
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,000
Hi, Jack. Victor.

74
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,000
Oh, hello, Mick. You're no still
living underneath that bridge?

75
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,000
Aye. Under the bridge,
like a mad troll, man.

76
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,000
Oh, here, do you want a spoon?

77
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,000
Oh! Haud on, ya daftie!

78
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,000
(You cannae offer
a recovering junkie a spoon!)

79
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,000
How no?
(He'll use it...for the junk!)

80
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,000
Oh, aye, eating a big jar of junk.

81
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,000
(They don't eat junk oota jar, Jack.

82
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,000
(They cook it, on a spoon!)

83
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,000
Cookin' up junk on ma wee
Troon spoon? (Aye!)

84
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,000
Listen, son,
you were going to get a good spoon,

85
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,000
but yer no getting it noo
because of yer behaviour.

86
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,000
Nae danger, man.

87
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,000
Listen, hen, put that away
oot the road, safe.

88
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,000
Thank you. Can I help you?

89
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,000
I'm wanting this suit. A-huh.

90
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,000
Thing is, it's ?6
and I've only got ?2.

91
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,000
Would you take two? No.

92
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,000
Eh, marvellous, eh?
Charity begins at home(!)

93
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,000
It is a charity,
but it's also a business.

94
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,000
We sell things for charity.

95
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:45,000
The suit's ?6.
?6 in our till is a big help.

96
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,000
Well, how about this, then?

97
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:50,000
If we buy something at ?4, will
you let him have that suit for ?2?

98
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,000
Yes. What have you got that's ?4?

99
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:56,000
?4, please. It's a multipurpose
spoon from Troon.

100
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,000
FAINT COMMENTARY

101
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,000
Ya bastard!

102
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,000
Y-a-a-a-a-ah!

103
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,000
Four-a-half grand?!

104
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,000
For a daft parking ticket?!

105
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,000
What did ye dae,
shoot a traffic warden?

106
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,000
You don't even have a car.

107
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,000
Well, I did have a car,
for about a fortnight.

108
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,000
1985. That's when I got the ticket.

109
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,000
It's just ran up
and noo they're comin' efter me.

110
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,000
What are you gonnie dae?

111
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,000
Well, the letter says,

112
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,000
"If you are unable to pay,

113
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,000
"the council shall endeavour
to recoup the goods,

114
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,000
"chattel or possessions amounting
to the recovery of the debt."

115
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,000
Well, that'll be the first
?3 paid back.

116
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,000
Och shoosh! That's no the thing.

117
00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:01,000
I've got three weeks to pay,
or it's a custodial sentence.

118
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,000
The jail? The pokey?

119
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,000
The bumhole buffet?

120
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,000
That cannae be right.

121
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,000
It is right. Read it and weep.

122
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:11,000
Wow, Winston,
that letter is a downer.

123
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:16,000
However...this one is an upper.

124
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,000
My invitation to receive the
Glasgow Good Citizen Civic Medal.

125
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:25,000
Oh, aye, for cooking Pete the
Jakey's breakfast every morning

126
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,000
oot the goodness of your heart.

127
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,000
He doesnae have a heart. Pipe doon.

128
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,000
A-hem!

129
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,000
"Why are you receiving this award?

130
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:40,000
"Because you have exemplified
a kindness or selflessness..."

131
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,000
You're oot o' bog roll, Boabby.
Use newspaper, ya twat.

132
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,000
"In other words,
your altruism and graciousness..."

133
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,000
Can I get another wee splash
of cola in there, Boabby?

134
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:55,000
There's cola in it already,
ya greedy old dick.

135
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,000
"...has, above and beyond,

136
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:01,000
"marked you as a citizen
of great standing."

137
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:05,000
Boabby, can I...?
No, you cannae, ya miserable ratbag.

138
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:11,000
"And, for these esteemed qualities,
we salute and reward you."

139
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,000
The Glasgow Good Citizen's
Civic Medal?

140
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:20,000
Are you sure it's no the Black-Hearted
Bawbag Barman Medallion?

141
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,000
Or the Distinguished Doolally
Dickpiece Deadbeat Decoration?

142
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,000
Great, eh?

143
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,000
I get a ?4,500 parking ticket
and he gets a medal.

144
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,000
Huh! That's both stones
firmly kicked.

145
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,000
Oh, and there's a plus-one.

146
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,000
Who's comin' wi' me?

147
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:39,000
Eh? Oh, no, I'm, er...I'm washing
my moustache that day.

148
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,000
I'm, er...I'm givin' him a hand.

149
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:47,000
What aboot you, Isa? Or are you busy
washing your moustache?

150
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:50,000
Heh! Um...
Tell him your washing your beard.

151
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:56,000
Boabby! That would lovely,
but the thing is, erm...

152
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,000
Well...?

153
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:04,000
I cannae go because you'll need somebody
to cover for you here at The Clansman!

154
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,000
Hee-hee-hee!

155
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,000
Well, otherwise
that would have been lovely.

156
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:14,000
Boabby, I'll ignore the fact
that you've asked everybody else,

157
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:19,000
but can I put forward my case
for being your plus-one?

158
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:26,000
As you all know, I've been in financial
trouble myself a couple of times.

159
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,000
Gracious me, I am noo. Huh-huh!

160
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,000
I'm what they call
a borderline case.

161
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,000
Freddie Foodbank, if you will.

162
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,000
And it's for that reason

163
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:40,000
that I appreciate the charity
that you showed Pete.

164
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,000
You deserve that medal.

165
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:48,000
And I would be honoured to be there
to see you receive it.

166
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,000
Because you are one hell of a fella,
Boabby.

167
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,000
One hell of a fella.

168
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,000
Thanks, Winston.

169
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,000
I'd be delighted to have you there.

170
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,000
Honoured to be there?

171
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,000
A-huh. A helluva fella?

172
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,000
A helluva gormless fella.

173
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,000
I've just got an invite to
the inside of the City Chambers.

174
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:23,000
Right. Where they have a lovely
ballroom for awards upstairs.

175
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,000
And? And the fines and parking
department downstairs!

176
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,000
Riddle me this, Batman.

177
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,000
Off you go, Alfred.

178
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,000
Who's Alfred? The butler.

179
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,000
Whose butler? Batman's butler!

180
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,000
Naw, I'm no the butler.
If yer no going to go Alfred,

181
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,000
the only other people you can be
is Robin or Batgirl.

182
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,000
Well, I've neither the tights
for Robin, nor the tits for Batgirl.

183
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,000
No, I'm the Riddler,
so riddle me this!

184
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,000
Well, go wi' it!
The question I'm asking is,

185
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,000
is Boabby an arsehole
who became charitable,

186
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,000
or is he a charitable man
who masquerades as an arsehole?

187
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,000
Ah. Is he a benevolent man
that covers it with a mask

188
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,000
and cape of arseholiness? Exactly.

189
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:13,000
Naw. I reckon he's a fully-paid-up,
card-carrying arsehole.

190
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,000
Aye, he's an arsehole.

191
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,000
Yer no the Riddler, yer the Penguin.

192
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,000
Oh. Am I?

193
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,000
Weah, weah, weah, weah, weah!

194
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,000
Watch the tea, Jack!

195
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,000
THEY CHUCKLE

196
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,000
DOORBELL

197
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,000
Oh.

198
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,000
Oh, Mick! Jack.

199
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,000
What can I do for you, son?

200
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,000
I wanted to say thanks for giving us
a dig-oot with the suit.

201
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,000
Aye, nae problem, son, aye, aye.

202
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,000
Just oot of curiosity,
what did you need the suit for?

203
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,000
Yer no in trouble, are ye?

204
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,000
Naw, quite the opposite.

205
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,000
I've got an interview for a job.

206
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,000
Oh, that's marvellous, eh?

207
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,000
Well, so you're wanted kitted oot?

208
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,000
Suit, shirt, tie, shoes,
the lot, eh?

209
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,000
De ye think I'll need all that?
It's only a daft office job.

210
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,000
Now, listen to me, ye young dumper.

211
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:01,000
You go for that interview,
right, and then later on, they say,

212
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,000
"Who do we like for this?"

213
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,000
And the gaffer pipes up,
"I liked the boy with the suit."

214
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,000
But the assistant says,
"Who was that wi' the suit?"

215
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,000
He says,
"The boy wi' the suit, sure,

216
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,000
"and the manky shirt
and the rotten flip-flops.

217
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,000
"He's the boy for us".

218
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,000
It's no going to work son, is it?

219
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,000
You don't need that other stuff.

220
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,000
"It is only with the heart we can
see fully,

221
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:22,000
"what is essential
is invisible to the eyes."

222
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:27,000
Antoine de Saint-Exupery, 1940.

223
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,000
There or thereabouts.

224
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,000
Right. What size are your shoes?

225
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,000
10. Ah, you're pumped. I'm a 12.

226
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,000
Ah, I'm a 9.

227
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,000
Haud on. Two pair of socks
and a pair of ma shoes.

228
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,000
What about a pair of my Colin's?
He's a 10.

229
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,000
Have you still got
some of Colin's stuff?

230
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,000
Aye. There's tons there.

231
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,000
It's been lyin' there since
he went to the university.

232
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,000
I can gie ye shoes, shirt and a tie
an' all!

233
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,000
Well, there ye go. That's smashin'.
Thanks, Isa.

234
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,000
What de ye think?

235
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,000
You guys have got it good,
living up here,

236
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,000
wi' a talking letterbox
that gies ye stuff.

237
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:08,000
Eh? Mad hoose wi' a magic door.

238
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,000
Aye, it's pure Pixar, innit?

239
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,000
It's a woman!

240
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,000
Right.

241
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,000
Nice to meet ye, Missus.

242
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,000
For God's sake!
This is oor neighbour, Isa.

243
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,000
Hello, son.

244
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:29,000
Noo, I've also got a nice overcoat
there you could use

245
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,000
for if the weather's bad.

246
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:34,000
Thanks. Haud on, but,
I might no need a coat.

247
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:44,000
What will the weather be like
on Monday, magic door?

248
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,000
Can you be quiet, please?
This is a library!

249
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,000
Chattering away
like a couple of budgies!

250
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,000
I couldnae hear a thing.

251
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,000
Aye, well, they were deafening me.

252
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,000
Noo, the way I see it, Winston,
when I click on this button,

253
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,000
I'll be an accessory,
aiding and abetting ye.

254
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,000
I like a bet as well, Shug.
I'm always betting.

255
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,000
No, no, no, no' betting, abetting.

256
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:19,000
Look, Shug, this is an ancient,
lousy parking ticket

257
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,000
that over the years
has turned intae Bigfoot. Ah.

258
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,000
We get in there, we find the cave
where Bigfoot lives,

259
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:31,000
"Oh, hello, ya big ?4,500
hairy Sasquatch pain in the arse!"

260
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,000
Blammo!

261
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,000
No' crime, a hunt!
That's right, Shug.

262
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,000
And what are we if not hunting men?

263
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,000
And Sasquatch is the parking ticket?

264
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,000
Yes! Aye, OK.

265
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,000
Aye.

266
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,000
Bingo! That's you.

267
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,000
What am I looking at?

268
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:52,000
Well, that's the original drawings
for the City Chambers, 1885.

269
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,000
See, there's yer roof layout,

270
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,000
there's your ballroom,
that's where you'll be.

271
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,000
Watching Boabby getting
his stupid badge.

272
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,000
Aye, well, you excuse yourself,

273
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,000
you're...you're needing a pish
or some such.

274
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,000
Cut through the kitchen,
along the corridor.

275
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,000
The traffic fines office
is behind that,

276
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,000
and that's where we need to be.

277
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,000
So, what do we need -
torches, glasscutters?

278
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,000
Possibly, what, welding gear
of some description?

279
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,000
Gelignite! Will we need geli?

280
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:28,000
The only jelly you'll be getting
is after yer dinner, ya fat clown.

281
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,000
Cut down the fire stairs,
let me in the back door.

282
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:35,000
4:30 on the button. Boom!

283
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,000
Call me a fat clown!

284
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,000
Do you think there will be jelly?

285
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,000
He's had a shower and everything.
Wait till you see him.

286
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,000
It wis very good of ye feeding
the boy like that, Isa.

287
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,000
Sorry? I said, it wis very good
of ye feeding the boy like that.

288
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,000
Do you know something, Isa?

289
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,000
That's probably that boy's first
square meal in God-knows-how-long.

290
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,000
Good on ye. He's a lucky lad.

291
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,000
He's a lucky, lucky lad.

292
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,000
Aye, well, he's welcome.

293
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,000
Right, youse ready?

294
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000
Oh, come on in, son!

295
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,000
Oh, the big reveal, eh!

296
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,000
It's like one of they
makeover shows!

297
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,000
Oh! Oh! Look at that!

298
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,000
Shining like a new penny.

299
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,000
Aye. You, boy, are ready
for that job interview.

300
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,000
Oh! No, no, no. No, no.

301
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,000
Oh, dear!

302
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,000
Good of you to see us
at short notice like this, Cammy.

303
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,000
No problem.

304
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,000
Not long now.

305
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,000
So, operating out o' the hoose now,
eh?

306
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,000
Aye, since I got struck off.

307
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:40,000
You pull four teeth out the wrong
person and everybody gangs nuts.

308
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,000
I mean, how was I supposed to know

309
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,000
she was the girl out
the toothpaste advert?

310
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,000
So, are you still allowed
to use gas, Cammy?

311
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,000
Well, I'm not going to chuck it out.

312
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,000
I've got a garage full of it!

313
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,000
Gas, man!

314
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,000
I've never had gas before.

315
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,000
Hee-hee-hee!

316
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,000
You feelin' OK, Mick?

317
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,000
Tae be honest wi' ye,
a wee bit depersonalised.

318
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,000
Mebbe even de-realised.

319
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:12,000
Also feeling high levels of
suggestibility and imagination,

320
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,000
but overall, a slight dizziness

321
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,000
blanketed in a deep-rooted euphoria.

322
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:22,000
Get yersels tanked up wi'it,
it's aff its nut! Ha!

323
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,000
Do you want to try some, lads?

324
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,000
No, no. No, no.

325
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,000
Hey, look at that!

326
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,000
When's that fae?
I dunno, but it cost three-and-six.

327
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,000
"At home with James Dean."
THEY CHUCKLE

328
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,000
Look at this!

329
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:39,000
"Engelbert Humperdinck celebrates
his 27th birthday in style."

330
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:43,000
"Jackie O's stunning new wardrobe
ahead of Dallas trip."

331
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,000
"Why the ladies love Liberace."

332
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,000
Right, that's you, son.

333
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,000
Got any mouthwash?

334
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,000
Here, rinse with that.

335
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:58,000
Right. So that's you sorted
for your interview tomorrow.

336
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,000
What time's it at?

337
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,000
4:30. How am I looking?

338
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,000
Like the 2:30 favourite
at Cheltenham. Come on.

339
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,000
HE INHALES

340
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,000
What's wrong wi' you?
I'm just a wee bit nervous.

341
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,000
What have you got to be nervous about?
It's me that's getting the medal.

342
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,000
I'm nervous for you.

343
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,000
All the chat and all that.

344
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,000
Who we'll be sittin' wi'
and everything. Oh, gies peace!

345
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,000
There, we're there, Table Four.

346
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,000
Right, er... Hm!
I'm needing the toilet.

347
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,000
You go and get yourself settled
and I'll get ye in there in five.

348
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,000
Come on, we're due in there noo.
Move yer arse!

349
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,000
There will be jelly, right?

350
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,000
Winston? What?!

351
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,000
What is it wi' you and that watch?

352
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000
I'm just anxious
to get to the toilet.

353
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,000
Will you sit a bloody minute
until people sit down?

354
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,000
Hi. I'm Boabby.

355
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:22,000
Hi, I'm Rachel.
Are you winning something tonight?

356
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,000
I am indeed.

357
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,000
This must be the winners' enclosure.

358
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,000
What are you receiving
your award for?

359
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:34,000
Oh, I, er...looked after a homeless
guy for, um...quite some time.

360
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:39,000
You? Myself and Caroline
jumped into the Maryhill Canal

361
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,000
and saved a man from drowning.

362
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,000
Firefighter. Art school.

363
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:50,000
I quit my job and went around
Eastern Europe for two years

364
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:55,000
with a puppet show that I performed
for children orphaned by war.

365
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:03,000
I'm his plus-one
and I'm needing a shite.

366
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,000
How's that a poached egg,
you silly bastard?

367
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:14,000
It looks like something
that fell out your nose!

368
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,000
Right, get it fixed, start again!

369
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:19,000
I'm not serving that up,
you novice arsehole!

370
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,000
And where do you think you're going,
fatty?!

371
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,000
I was just, er...

372
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,000
"I was just, er...just, er..."

373
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,000
Just get the nibbles on the trays
and onto the tables!

374
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,000
I was on my way to the toilet.

375
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,000
Get those nibbles oot!

376
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,000
Oi!

377
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,000
(Winston! What the f...?)

378
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,000
CLATTER!

379
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,000
Ye all set for your interview, Mick?

380
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000
Look at that pigeon, man.
Look at the size of it!

381
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,000
It looks as if it's ate
another pigeon.

382
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,000
Never mind the pigeons.

383
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,000
Look, I'll pretend to be
the interviewer

384
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,000
and you introduce yourself to me.

385
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,000
Hello, I'm Methadone Mick.

386
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,000
I wouldn't say that.

387
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,000
Hello, I'm Methadone Michael?

388
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,000
Mick, you can drop the Methadone.

389
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,000
Cannae man,
got tae have it every morning.

390
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,000
Never mind that. Just say,
"Hello, my name is Michael",

391
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,000
and then just be loose wi' it.

392
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,000
Let's buy some pigeon feed.
That wee one looks starving.

393
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:29,000
Look, gie it a rest wi' the pigeons.
Watch me. Watch and learn.

394
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,000
Good afternoon. My name's Victor.

395
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,000
Good afternoon, Victor.

396
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,000
What makes you think
you're suited to the position?

397
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,000
Ha-ha! That's an easy one, sir.

398
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,000
30 years in the service of
Babcock and Wilcox, man and boy.

399
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:45,000
Loyalty's my middle name,
diligence is my reason for being.

400
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,000
Impressive. So therefore...

401
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,000
Weesht! You've done enough.

402
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,000
I see no reason why you can't start
on Monday.

403
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,000
I'm over the moon.
Let me leave you with my CV.

404
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,000
On the other hand, make it Tuesday.

405
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,000
That'll give you a chance
to wipe that muck off your face.

406
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,000
So that's basically it, Mick.

407
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,000
Confident, forthright, be yersel'.
But without the shit.

408
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,000
Good luck.

409
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,000
Nyah!

410
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,000
(Damn it! He's no supposed
to be there!)

411
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000
WHIRRING

412
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,000
Watch what yer daein'! No! No!

413
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,000
Buffers, eh? Come on,
ya wee bastard, buff! Argh!

414
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,000
I'm Andrew Gillespie.
Sit yourself down.

415
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,000
Michael, is it?

416
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,000
Mick. Michael.

417
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,000
Nothing to do with Methadone.

418
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,000
OK, Mick. Why do you think
you're suited to this position?

419
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,000
Ah!

420
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,000
30 years in the service of
Babcock and Wilcox, man and boy.

421
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,000
What age are you? 23.

422
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,000
Loyalty's my middle name.

423
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,000
Well, it isnae actually,
it's Thomas.

424
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,000
MICK CHUCKLES

425
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,000
Diligence is my reason for being
and I've no got shite on ma heid.

426
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,000
I beg your pardon?

427
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:41,000
I've no got shite on ma face,
or anything like that.

428
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,000
For God's sake, where have ye been?

429
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:57,000
I was a baw hair away from gein
ma pension to a prostitute!

430
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,000
(Shut up! Get in!)

431
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,000
Well, Mick, we have others to see.

432
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,000
Fair dos, Andra...Mr Gillespie.

433
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:10,000
Here's the thing. See, my life, so
far, it's no been up to much, man.

434
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,000
Hands up, it's been ma fault.

435
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:16,000
But you see noo?
I'm clean, focused, man.

436
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,000
My...my mad days are behind me.

437
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,000
Well, you're remarkably
well-turned-out today.

438
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,000
You'll love this. It's aff its nut.

439
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,000
I got this suit fur ?6,

440
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,000
but no really cos I only had two,

441
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:33,000
but I got it anyroads cos
Jack and Victor bought a spoon.

442
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,000
So that was excellent.

443
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,000
Then I'm up at their door
and this wee magic letterbox

444
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,000
starts talking to me
about all the stuff it can gie me.

445
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,000
Tie, shirt, shoes annat.

446
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,000
Cos the letterbox hud a son
called Colin.

447
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:49,000
Next thing, my teeth are nae use!

448
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,000
So I'm in this fella's living room,
like...

449
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,000
S-h-h-h-h-h-h!

450
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,000
Gas!

451
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,000
Gas is good!

452
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,000
Then in the background...

453
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,000
Ding-ding-ding!

454
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,000
Old teeth in the bin,
new teeth plugged in.

455
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,000
Aye.

456
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,000
Oh! We'll be here a bloody month!

457
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,000
No, we'll not.

458
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,000
Come here.

459
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,000
Ho-ho!

460
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:39,000
Ho-ho-ho-ho!

461
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:43,000
Look at you, ya ancient, old,
wee monkey!

462
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,000
Come here.

463
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,000
Job done!

464
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,000
I'll see ye back at The Clansman.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

465
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,000
You're not Brian. No.

466
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,000
Where is Brian?

467
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,000
Er...he's no here the noo.

468
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,000
Get the bell, then!

469
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,000
The bell?
Go and get the bell, ya numpty!

470
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:22,000
Hear ye!

471
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,000
Oh, yay!

472
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,000
Hear ye!

473
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,000
Shoosh the noo.

474
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:34,000
Ladies and gentlemen,
er...His Right Honourable Lord...

475
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,000
Lady, er...Provost, um...

476
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,000
What's yer name, hen?

477
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,000
Winnie Cranston.

478
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,000
Winnie Cranston!

479
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,000
Give it up for Winnie!

480
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,000
APPLAUSE
Whoo!

481
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,000
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

482
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,000
My lords, ladies and gentlemen,

483
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,000
thank you for that warm reception.

484
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:04,000
Brian? I don't know who that man is,
but he's an impostor!

485
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,000
Aw, for fu...!

486
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,000
Mayhem. Absolute mayhem.
I thought I was getting the jail.

487
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,000
So, how did you get off?

488
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,000
The old silver tongue
got me off wi' it.

489
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,000
Aye, that and a quarter of an hour
begging like a wee lassie.

490
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,000
"Oh, I'm Boabby's plus-wan!
I'm Boabby's plus-wan!

491
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,000
"I got lost in the corridors
cos I'm old and past it!"

492
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,000
Aye, well, it worked, didn't it?

493
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,000
And naebody none the wiser.

494
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,000
None the wiser about what?

495
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,000
That old parking ticket.

496
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,000
That's why I went!
It's binned. History.

497
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,000
Awright, troops?

498
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,000
Oh, aye! Hey, Mick, How'd ye get on?

499
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,000
I got it.
THEY CHEER

500
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,000
I was close to not getting it, cos
I was nervous annat, talking pish.

501
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,000
Then the strangest thing happened.

502
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,000
I'm about to leave,
thinking I've humped it

503
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,000
and then I sees he's daein
a crossword,

504
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:00,000
but he's no finished yet,
he's stuck.

505
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,000
So I lean over and say,
"Three tae finish, eh?

506
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,000
"It's a bastard when that happens.

507
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:11,000
"So genuine, real, honest.
That one's unfeigned.

508
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:15,000
"Four doon, nine letters,
hard working is assiduous.

509
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,000
"The last one there,
coolness and composure,

510
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,000
"especially
in a difficult situation.

511
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,000
"Equanimity."

512
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:28,000
The next thing I know, Gillespie's standing
up and gieing it the welcome aboard.

513
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,000
Ah, that's magic!
Dead chuffed for ye, son.

514
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,000
Aye, really happy for you, Mick.
Oh, you guys are the stars, man.

515
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,000
Youse got me there.

516
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:39,000
Who knows? Mebbe youse'll be
picking up some medals next year.

517
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,000
If we don't have a hard winter.

518
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,000
Right, Boabby, mair drinks!

519
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,000
Seems like we've all had
a bit of good luck today. Huh!

520
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,000
Where is it you're working, son?

521
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,000
Ach, it's just some daft office job.

522
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,000
How ye getting on, Mick?
Brilliant, Mr Gillespie.

523
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,000
I was climbing the walls
there earlier

524
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:04,000
cos there was ten fines
to be processed there

525
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,000
and I could only find nine of them.

526
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,000
One of them was missing.

527
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,000
So I've hunted,
and of all the places,

528
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:14,000
it's in the bin, crumpled up!

529
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,000
Nae luck, Mr Ingram, whoever ye are.

530
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:21,000
Ha-ha-ha!

531
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:50,000
I feel bad about dropping Winston
in it with that old parking ticket.

532
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,000
Ach, don't worry, son.
You werenae tae know.

533
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,000
What did he get?

534
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,000
What did you get again, Winston?
100 hours.

535
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,000
Everyone's living these
amazing lives,

536
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:10,000
and I'm stuck!

537
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:12,000
It's an illusion.

538
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,000
Adam...? Holly.

539
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,000
How long's...? Oh, years.

540
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,000
We should catch up.