Right, what've you got, ya big streak of piss?
There's your salt, your pepper...
Get your hankies out, gents! I've got a full hoose. Get it up ye!
Ya dirty, jammy bastard!
Bread and butter... Wanker!
I'm no' gonnae tell youse again. Keep it doon.
- What's the matter wi' you? - You're annoying my customers.
Shut up! We're bloody customers!
You're no' customers. Customers buy drink.
You've sat nursing them since you came in. Cannae play steamin'!
Must remain focused. I'll focus you - right oot the door.
Boabby, that's garbage patter. "Focus you oot the door"?
You cannae just take a word, right,
and slip it into a sentence and pass that off as excellent patter.
Be clever with it. For instance...
Something like "I'll focus my boot on yer arse!"
Or "focus on that", ya old duffer!
See, that's cruder, but still as effective.
Or "away and take a flying focus to yerself!"
Disnae work, that.
Look, I could lose my licence. You shouldnae be playing cairds in here.
CARDS, Boabby. We're playing CARDS, no' "cairds".
"Cairds" is what you play cards with.
Just keep it doon.
BEEP! BEEP! THEY CHEER
Whaddya say? Is this not the bollocks?
Oh, yes, Joe! That is the hairy bollocks!
It is the cock'n'bollocks!
This is new, then, Joe, eh? It is indeed!
Brand-new out of the box today! It's a smashin' thing.
How much did it cost you?
Never you mind, you nosy bastard. Gies a shot. Get lost!
Here, you! "Gies a shot"! That's his transport, not a toy!
Gies a shot! What you talkin' aboot?
ALL: OH! < GENTS!
That's it! Get oot. You're barred!
The accumulator. The calling card of the mug punter.
Get it stamped. Oh...
Pfft!
See your selections? Erratic. All over the place.
Horseracing, then a boxing match.
Then the Scotland game, then back to horseracing?!
You're fumblin' aboot in the dark! How'd you make these selections?
"I like the pretty patterns on the jockey's jersey!"
"Oh, there's a horse called Darren's Fire!
"My wee nephew's called Darren!" Or the classic...
What is it wi' you, Stevie? Eh? Years I've been comin' in here!
See, other punters come and go without incident -
"Well done, Brian, there's your 40 quid!
"Ah, Davie, nae luck!" But wi' me, it's personal!
You hate it when I win and you love it when I lose!
That's right! Money flows into your till all day, Stevie,
but that's not enough, is it? Wi' my money, you have to gloat. A gloatin' bookie!
That's unheard of in the bookie world!
You must be the worst bookie in Britain! Right, Stevie boy,
one day I'm gonna win, and I'm gonna win big
and you'll be gutted - in fact, you'll be beyond gutted!
And then I'll be the one who's gloatin'!
And boy, can I GLOAT, Stevie boy! See me when I start!
HE BECOMES LESS AUDIBLE
You and this bookies arenae worth a...!
Ah! I hope you didnae mind - I brought Tony with me, Jack.
Er, Tony with the tinnies! Not at all! In you come. Aye, right!
Isa.
Plastic plants, Isa.
You're lucky there, you old tit! That's no luck, Tam! It's skill!
Aw, shut it. Aye aye! Hi, Shug! >
And Tony too! Just in time for a new hand. Uh-uh.
Ruffle they cards again, Victor.
There's only 51 there. You've got a card missing.
Um...
Whoa! I do an' all!
Told you. DOORBELL
Right, boys...
Isa, what is it? Are you enjoying your wee card game?
That's right. A card game, aye. Wi' your pals. Yes. I thought you might be hungry.
Me and Agnes have done youse a wee sandwich platter. Chicken roll,
that's corned beef, a wee ham one, and that's John West salmon.
Come in.
Isa. THEY GROAN
Sandwiches. THEY CHEER
DOORBELL Shh! Hurry up! Hurry up!
Raise.
I cannae see ye. I've no' got the money. I'll write you an IOU.
Nope. If you cannae call me, then you lose.
I've got ye beat too! You think so? Aye! I think so!
ALL: Ohh!
Must have a good haun, eh? A man wouldnae bet his legs otherwise.
What you got? Two pair.
Aces over Jacks. Ohh, NICE!
But it disnae beat...
six titties. ALL: NO!
TAM LAUGHS
It's comfy!
Right, right. Gie Joe his keys back.
Now, now, now. Come on. A bet's a bet. Hey ho!
Have a word wi' yourself! He's a grown boy! He has to make a stand!
So to speak. Joe, what you saying tae it? He won it fair and square.
Well, I think I'll call it a night, Jack.
You wouldnae get that door for me, would you, please?
(Jesus...)
I don't believe this.
Nighty-night, all! BEEP!
HE CACKLES
Well, I'm done.
Er... How you gonnae get hame, Joe?
Could somebody gie us a drag up the road?
Ah, Jack, Victor.
All right, Navid? 2oz of Drum.
I heard about the big card game.
Sounds gallus. Well, you're welcome to join us. Poker, eh?
The green baize, whether to raise, whether to call. Oh, the tension.
The splashing sound chips make as they're thrown into the ever-growing pot.
Someone wins, someone loses.
When do you play next? Thursday night. I'll be there!
Oh, aye. That's right. Muslims don't gamble. Nae gambling. Nae drinking.
What a riot. Naw, we just sit about the house playing Ker-Plunk!
Shame, really. I could have done with winning some new transport.
Oh, heard about that, did you? Aye. It's a bad business.
Oh, incoming.
Here we go. Away you go, ye big bastard, ye.
Why am I a big bastard? ...Oh, the buggy. Honestly gained.
Oh, so you're keeping it, eh?
You're keeping an invalid's buggy? It's not an invalid's buggy.
It's my buggy. What do you want me to dae? Oh, Joe,
I want your buggy, but take it back - you're an invalid.
You're no' right, you don't know what you're doin'.
Now, that would be patronising.
By keeping Joe's buggy, I'm treatin' him as an equal. And rightly so. Shite!
Utter shite! Anyways, I got a bad knee, especially in the winter. It's awfy sore.
So if I didnae win this, I'd have bought one anyway.
I've worked in Craiglang for 22 years,
and I have seen some shite - stabbings, murders, robberies,
but this...THIS is the shitest thing I have ever seen.
An able-bodied man cutting aboot in an invalid's buggy. You're low, Tam.
Aye. Well said, Navid. Come on.
Think on, Tam!
How's she handle? Is she good? Smashin'! Gies a shot! Aye, c'mon.
Oi, you! Tam! C'mere, you miserable bastard! What are you playin' at?!
It's mine! It's legal and mine. I won it in a card game!
He'll not be gettin' it back. Anyway, he's got a zimmer.
You'll be needin' a zimmer, ya bastard!
Oh, impressive, Winston! Shut up, you!
Gimme that. 'Danny's Farm runs home...!' YES! YES!
Ya dancer!
Danny's Farm? You'll have good odds on that.
Big win? Not quite. Part of an accumulator.
Three up, three to go. Oh, three up, three to go? What'll you win?
If that accumulator comes up,
I'll be able to buy everyone in Craiglang one o' they buggies!
Tam...
Oh, I'll get them, Joe.
It's a bastard right enough, ain't it? So how you getting on?
Aye, all right. Can get about the flat an' that.
I darenae go oot, though. Cannae walk the length myself.
Nae power in the old arms, you see. That's how I need the buggy.
Oh, what was I thinkin' of, eh? Betting it.
Well, he's had his fun. If he wanted to learn me a lesson, I've learnt it.
I need that buggy, boys. Here, what year was this took?
Um, 1948.
Still got the shirt.
It'll no' fit me noo, though.
Aye, you'd some speed on you, Joe.
Mind that time the scout came to the school? Oh! A foregone conclusion!
Everybody knew you'd get picked.
The rest of us couldnae kick wur ain arses, sure!
This is nae use, Jack.
We're gonnae have to do something. There's a thing, right enough.
What's that? I see my living room.
Can ye? Yeah! Look! That's my sideboard there, look.
There.
Oh, aye!
VICTOR LAUGHS Good, ain't it?
Irene, what was the fight result last night?
It appears Crusher Kerr has been crushed!
Oh! Round Three! Plugged! Who'd 'a thought it?!
Wait a minute!
Me'd 'a thought it!
Four down, two to go! My accumulator is accumulating!
Get your calculator! You're wasting your breath.
That line is as dead as a dodo. Scotland have nae chance tonight.
Not very patriotic, that, is it, Stevie boy? # Oh, flower of Scotland
♪ When will we see this line again? ♪
Right, what are we here for? Welcome to Osprey Heights Pleasure Palace!
What are you on about? We've turned Jack's place into a gambling den,
and that's how we'll get that buggy back aff Tam.
Frighten him to death with that leopard? No, no.
All the big casinos have got that. That is what you call atmosphere,
and that'll lure him in! This, if you will, is the foyer!
And that sort of suggests...
er, Eastern...sort of...
jungly... Mystery...
Lobby...
Anyway, you'll have to dae better if you want to lure that buggy back aff Tam.
He's practically married to it.
Oh, aye? Here's where he's divorcing it. Follow me! What?
Jeez-o!
Roulette?! Blackjack? And sandwiches, and music, and drink!
Soften him up, and he'll be burstin' to gamble, sure!
Right, ladies and gentlemen, that's all for today. Thanks very much for your help.
Oh, and can we all be here by 8pm sharp tomorrow night?
Isa...
Right. Sit down.
Not there, please. Over here, by the table. Oh, right.
Now, Victor, would you be kind enough to deal us two hands?
Certainly, Jack! ...You're Tam. Eh?
You be Tam. What for? Never mind what for.
Just be Tam for a couple of minutes. Right... Jack's Joe.
I'm Joe. Can someone go and get me a sandwich? I'd go myself,
but I cannae, as I've not got my buggy. That's plenty, Jack.
PHONE RINGS Ach! Who's THAT?!
Hello? Double glazing, you say?
Oh, no, are you daft? I'm not interested! Good day!
Oh, this is a very nice hand, yes. Think yours is better?
Aye, I do! Aye! Well, bet, then.
Bet what? You're Tam. Er... 3p.
No, the buggy! Right, I bet the buggy. Good! What've you got?
Ahem! Read 'em and weep...
Three fours. Oh, that's good, but it's not as good as...
three sevens! I'm Joe, and noo I've won my buggy back!
Get it up you, Winston! Er, Tam.
Very good. Very good.
Confused? Aye. What's goin' on?
WINSTON LAUGHS A sting! Yes!
That's magic. When are we doing it?
The morra night, 8 o'clock. Aye. How do we get him up here?
Hello, Navid! Hello, Eric.
I'm gutted, Eric.
How so, Navid? Here's me, a Muslim, unable to play cards!
A-ha! And Jack is having a smashing night of gambling, music,
sandwiches and drinks. I cannae go.
Because you're a Muslim! Aye, because I'm a Muslim.
Will you be going? That's right!
Because I'm no' a Muslim, I can drink and gmable as much as I like!
Great! (Aye, all right, don't rub it in!)
Hello, Tam. You're no' a Muslim, are ye? Naw.
Will you be going to Jack's the morra night? I don't know.
I might. But I'll no' be gambling. I've had my streak of luck. BEEP!
Might see you the morra then. What time's it starting? About 8, 8.30.
Oh, Jesus. What's the matter?
Winston's accumulator. Scotland won last night. He's only got one more.
If it comes up, THAT'S what I'm owing him. £3,250?
NAW!
£32,500!
Oh! So it is! What am I LIKE?!
You've got a smile on your face these days!
Wait till you see me the morra! Might get your hole!
♪ Scotland! Sco-o-otland! ♪
You might be needin' that, Stevie boy! You must be shitin' yourself!
If Clerk Of The Court wins the morra, that's you humped, Stevie! HUMPED!
Clerk Of The Court! I'll be watchin'!
OK, now, shh! Now, I must say, youse are lookin' smashing.
Youse are. Eric, you'll be playin' blackjack with Tony boy here.
Eric, now and then, "Whoa! 21!" as if you're winning!
Isa, you know the score. Sandwiches. Good atmosphere. # La, la, la, la! #
Aye! Pete, you're in charge of the drinks trolley.
On second thoughts, Pete, you deal the poker. PHONE RINGS
'How's the view, Shug?' Fine and dandy, Victor. Looks good over there.
Good!
You watch the door. Winston, you're dealing.
Right-o.
Peggy, darlin', you're in charge of records, so keep that music coming.
We've all an important part to play.
If Tam suspects we're conning him, that'll be it. The game'll be a bogey.
If we get this right, Joe goes hame in his buggy. So,
above all... Tam's getting out the lift. That's a go for Joe. A go for Joe!
That's you to go now, Joe.
Peggy, music. What d'you want? Got some Frank Sinatra...
Dean Martin... It disnae matter! Play anything! All right!
Evenin', Tam. Glad you could make it.
Lovely to see you. Hello, Victor. Feeling lucky?
Oh, no, I'm not gambling. Just being social, eh? It's very nice, Jack!
Can I take your coat, Tam? Oh, thank you, darlin'. A wee drink?
No, I'll no' bother.
No, I'll take a Campari and soda.
We've nae soda. You want lemonade? No, I'll leave it.
I'll take a can of lager, then. Very good!
Look at this!
Do you think he's buyin' it?
Aye, I do, aye. He's helping himself to a sandwich.
But he says he wasnae gonna do any gambling, but.
He'll be gambling in no time. Look!
Oh, Eric! The blackjack, eh? Aye, good! Three quid up! Oh! Good lad! Eric!
...Blackjack, ya beauty! THEY ALL CHEER
Smashin', that! Arthur, how you gettin' on? Good! Real good!
Having a high old time... with the roulette.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joe.
Oh, I feel lucky tonight!
Joe. Tam.
Right, boys. Just plonk me over there. I fancy a game of cards.
Fancy a game, Tam?
Aye... All right.
Ready? Aye, ready!
Wrong seat! Wrong seat!
(Tam's in the wrong seat!)
I think you might be mair comfortable here, Tam.
Ah, smashin'! Hello, Winston.
Tam. You're the dealer, are you?
I am, aye. You got a problem with that? No... Good. Well, deal!
Tell Isa to move her arse! (Isa. Move your arse!)
Oot the road!
It's a pair of queens.
A pair of threes!
It's between you two now. The net is closing!
It'll happen right here, right now! Aye!
I cannae wait to see the look on his face! (...Are you there, Shug?) Aye, I'm here!
(What's he got?) Any second now - he's got... BANGING ON DOOR
(Shug! What's happenin'?) There's somebody bangin' the door!
(Ignore it. What's he got?)
Oh... Er, er...
Wait the noo! (SHUG!)
(SHUG!)
Are you playing here, or what, Tam?
Aye, aye, aye! It's gettin' a bit breezy in here, d'you not think so?
Oh...
Raise.
Er... What's all this about?
I think you know what, sir.
No, I dinna, I swear!
We've had a report fae a woman in Osprey Heights saying you were spying on her.
Wi' binoculars. I was not! I was watching a game of cards! Aye, right(!) Honest!
See, we're trying to cheat Tam out of old Joe's buggy. It WAS Joe's, but Tam won it.
He's a bastard! That's how I need to be lookin' in the windae. See for yourself!
It's a card game.
Nothin'. Eh?!
HE GASPS Aw, shite!
I can prove it! I can prove it! Get the cuffs on him. Naw, I can prove it!
You've had a few minutes now, Tam. What do you want to do?
What to do? What to do...?
Here's what I'm doin'.
EVERYONE SIGHS AND GASPS
Raise from Tam. Joe.
What are you doin'? What am I doin'?
What am I doin'?! Fold! You have to fold! You're sweatin'! You've got nothin'!
You don't know what I've got! I know what I've got, and that's got you sweatin'!
See that...
And raise you...
Oh, Joe, not the watch!
My father's watch!
Mmm!
That's a very nice timepiece, Joe!
Aye...
Okey dokey...
I believe these are what you're looking for.
THEY ALL GROAN
How very fitting you put a watch in, Joe. Cos Joe... Watch!
Two tens and two sevens - full house!
EIGHT TITTIES!
Very good!
Well done!
I don't know how he's done that, but I know this! I've been cheated!
What you talkin' aboot, Tam? It's a setup!
The windaes! The cairds! There's something...
Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen, Shug!
And two polis!
What's goin' on here?!
TAM LAUGHS Oh, I see, aye. Joe wins back his buggy,
then "the polis" break in and bust up the card game, eh?
I don't get a chance to win back my buggy! Joe's buggy!
It's good, aye! Very convincing!
Except youse two! You are about 16, and YOU are a bloody midget!
COMMENTATOR: 'One furlong, it's rank outsider Clerk Of The Court romping home,
'and wins it by a length!'
BASTA-A-ARD!