Narrator: IN THE FIFTH CENTURY
AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED
THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED
TO THE BARBARIAN HORDES TO THE EAST.
ALARIC THE VISIGOTH, GAISERIC THE VANDAL
AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD
IN A REIGN OF TERROR.
BUT NONE SURPASSED IN POWER AND CRUELTY
THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN.
Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S THE ATTILA THE HUN SHOW.
(audience laughter)
(The Debbie Reynolds Show theme song plays)
Man: ♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE ♪
♪ OPEN YOUR HEART AND SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED ♪
♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE ♪
♪ FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED ♪
♪ MAKING ALL THE SENSE OF LIFE ♪
♪ GETTING SOME SUN IN YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ MAKING ALL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY ♪
♪ GETTING SOME SUN IN YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN LIGHT ♪
♪ LIGHT UP A GLOOM-CAST SKY ♪
♪ COLOR THE GLOOMIEST DAY ♪
♪ CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY ♪
♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE ♪
♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE ♪
Chorus: ♪ JUST A LITTLE LOVE ♪
♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE... ♪
Narrator: IN THE SECOND QUARTER OF THE FIFTH CENTURY
THE HUNS BECAME A BYWORD FOR MERCILESS SAVAGERY.
THEIR KHAN WAS THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA.
WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES, HE SWEPT ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
(in American accent): OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!
(canned laughter)
HELLO, DARLING.
HAVE A BUSY DAY AT THE OFFICE?
NOT AT ALL BAD.
ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
(canned laughter)
WELL, I WON'T SAY I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU
BUT, BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!
(canned laughter)
(canned cheering)
HI, DADDY.
(canned laughter)
HI, DADDY.
(canned laughter)
HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY.
(canned cheering)
HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU TWO KIDS
IN THAT BAG.
(canned laughter)
I WANT YOU KIDS TO GET "A-HEAD."
(canned laughter and cheering)
YEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN.
(canned applause)
HI, UNCLE TOM.
THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS
TO SEE Y'ALL.
(canned laughter)
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S...
(canned cheering)
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing)
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
(music ends with fart)
YES, IT'S ATTILA THE NUN!
A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY.
(grunting, growling)
NURSE!
HELLO, MISS NORRIS, HOW ARE YOU?
NOT TOO BAD, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
YES, WELL, I THINK I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU.
UM, WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?
Doctor: UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT
THEY'RE STUDENTS.
UM... LIGHT, PLEASE, NURSE.
OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO.
(striptease music plays)
BREATHE IN... OUT.
Doctor: IN... OUT.
IN...
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
CHARLES CROMPTON, THE STRIPPING DOCTOR.
AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB
FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE
OUR POSITION ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES
AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS.
(striptease music playing)
NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE, THEORETICALLY
IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES
WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY
TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES AT A REALISTIC LEVEL.
BUT THIS WOULD HAVE THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING
OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY.
BUT I PLEDGE THAT, SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET
EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT POSITION ON SUBSIDIES
WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE, WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE
OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES.
A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES
WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS
OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS.
(laughter)
SO THAT TOGETHER WE WILL MAINTAIN
A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE
IN WORLD TRADE AND FOR WORLD PEACE.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
(scattered applause)
WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?
THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY.
(belly dancing music plays)
("Pomp and Circumstance"plays)
Narrator: YES, TODAY IN BRITAIN THERE IS
A NEW WAVE OF INTEREST IN POLITICS AND POLITICIANS.
WELL, WE'RE IN IT FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW.
WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING.
AND THE DEBATES.
YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE IS JUST FABULOUS.
WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW
AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.
OH, YES, I LIKE CIVIL SERVANTS.
OH, YES, THEY'RE NICE.
I... I LIKE THE SPEAKER.
OH, YEAH.
I LIKE BLACK ROD.
WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?
WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS, THE LITTLE BASTARD.
SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN.
(door closes)
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?
YES, I BLOODY TOLD 'EM.
WHAT ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WAS IT REGINALD BOSANQUET?
NO, NO, NO.
DID HE HAVE HIS HEAD ALL BANDAGED?
NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.
THEY HAD LOTS OF LIGHTS
AND CAMERAS AND TAPE RECORDERS
ALL THAT SORT OF THING.
OH, THAT'LL BE RAY BAXTER
AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD.
OOH, I PREFER REGINALD BOSANQUET.
THERE'S NOT SO MANY OF 'EM.
(doorbell rings)
OH, THAT'LL BE THE RATCATCHER.
HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?
YES?
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL
WELL, HOW VERY NICE.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE
AND I'M VERY PLEASED TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU
THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN
AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST AGAINST THE WEST INDIES.
REALLY?
NO, IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE.
ACTUALLY I'M THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER.
OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.
OH, I GATHER YOU'VE GOT
A LITTLE RODENTAL PROBLEM.
OH, BLIMEY! YOU'D THINK
HE WAS AWAKE ALL THE NIGHT
SCRABBLING DOWN BY THE WAINSCOTTING.
MMM, THAT'S AN INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?
WHAT?
WAINSCOTTING.
WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING.
SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE DORSET VILLAGE.
WAINSCOTTING.
WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!
UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?
WELL, DOWN HERE
YOU CAN USUALLY HEAR THEM.
SHH! SHH! SHH!
(bleating)
NO, THAT'S SHEEP YOU'VE GOT THERE.
(bleating continues)
NO, THAT'S DEFINITELY SHEEP.
A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY.
IS IT?
YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S "A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND
TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE
AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING TO FIT INTO A TRAP.
OH, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE.
OH, YEAH.
UH... OOH...
HEY! THERE'S ONE HERE.
NO, NO, NO, THAT'S MICE.
(laughter)
OH! THIS IS WHAT WE'RE AFTER!
(laughter)
EXCUSE ME, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE?
NO, NO, THAT WAS A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE.
(laughter)
RIGHT! WELL, I'M GOING IN THE WAINSCOTTING.
THEY SAID IT AGAIN!
LAY DOWN SOME SHEEP POISON.
OOH.
(bleating)
(gunshot)
(yelling in pain)
OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!
OOH! BLIMEY.
NOW, NORMALLY A SHEEP IS
A PLACID, TIMID CREATURE
BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!
(laughter)
IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN OF SHEEP... A KILLER SHEEP
THAT CAN NOT ONLY HOLD A RIFLE
BUT IS ALSO A FIRST-CLASS SHOT.
BUT WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?
THAT I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT...
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING
WHICH THE KILLER SHEEP...
WAS WEARING...
IN YESTERDAY'S RAID ON SELFRIDGES.
I'LL CARRY OUT TESTS ON IT
STRAIGHT AWAY, PROFESSOR.
(in Jamaican accent): HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE, PLEASE?
(laughter)
PROFESSOR, THERE ARE SOME CRICKETERS
IN THE LABORATORY.
THIS MAY BE EVEN MORE SERIOUS
THAN EVEN I HAD AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING.
WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE.
THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE!
GET ME THE CHIEF COMMISSIONER OF POLICE.
YES, SIR.
NO, NO, ON THE PHONE!
LOOK OF FEAR!
ANOTHER STRANGE LINE.
LOOK OUT, MISS GARTER OIL!
PROFESSOR, WHAT IS IT?
WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?
LOOK, THERE IN THE DOORWAY!
(screams)
ARTHUR X, LEADER OF THE PENNINE GANG.
DON'T NOBODY MOVE.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN' PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION.
BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT.
(gunfire)
NEXT... BASIL, YOU AND THE KID... MOVE.
(gunfire)
OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF.
(explosion)
(banjo and bass play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown")
BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS
WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE.
PUSSYCATS BEGAN TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES.
COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS.
AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE TELEVISION PROGRAMS.
IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.
GOOD EVENING, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS.
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY
WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH- OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION
WITH A BOLLARD.
THAT IS A BOLLARD AND NOT A PARROT.
A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID
HE WAS GLAD NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED.
(laughter)
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS
TO DISCUSS A £4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL.
NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE
OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE WOODEN TRAPEZE
OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE MILLET SEED... YUM, YUM.
THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS.
NOW OUR PROGRAMS FOR PARROTS CONTINUE
WITH PART THREE OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES
SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY.
THE STORY SO FAR:
DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND, AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE.
HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY
WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED
IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF THE MARQUIS de ST. EVREMONDE
WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE.
DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY TENDING HER AGED FATHER.
(imitating parrot): 'ALLO, 'ALLO!
'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!
WHO'S A PRETTY BOY, THEN?
WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?
(all squawking at once)
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS.
NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED...
Announcer: AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE FROM WESTMINSTER
IS A PARLIAMENTARY REPORT FOR HUMANS.
IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT
OF BEING SILLY AND DOING NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS.
THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM
BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY.
ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT THE WATERMELON, THEN?"
WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD
AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG IN THE LAVVY.
ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS WOULD BE CUT OFF
AND DISTRIBUTED AMONGST THE POOR.
FOR THE GOVERNMENT, A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID
THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED
AND HE FANCIED A BIT.
FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED
THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN
TO HIM, HIS FRIEND AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE.
FROM THE BACK BENCHES
THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"
AND A HEALTHY CRY OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"
FROM THE MINISTER WITHOUT PORTFOLIO.
(laughter)
REPLYING, THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID
HE COULD NO LONGER DENY THE RUMORS
BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND WERE VERY HAPPY.
AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED, RHUBARB WAS CHEAP
AND WHAT WAS THE HARM IN A SAUNA BATH.
...WERE NOT INVOLVED.
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY
TO DISCUSS A £4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL.
NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS TO AUSTRALIA
CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES
OR ATE ANY OF THOSE YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES.
YUM, YUM.
THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS, AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!
(shouting viciously)
WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR ATTILA THE BUN.
AND NOW, IDIOTS.
Announcer: ARTHUR FIGGIS IS AN IDIOT, A VILLAGE IDIOT.
TONIGHT WE LOOK AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY.
(intelligently): WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY
THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM
AND, AS SUCH, HAS A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY
IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY, BECAUSE, YOU SEE...
OOH, AR, OOH, AR!
(babbling incoherently)
OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR.
BECAUSE THERE IS THIS VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY
FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE.
AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT...
(babbling)
THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON.
THIS IS THE ROLE THAT I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY
HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS.
AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS.
I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE.
YES, SPLENDID.
THAT'S MR. JENKINS, HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT.
AND SO, YOU SEE, THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE
A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE FOR THIS COMMUNITY.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.
I SHALL HAVE TO FALL OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID.
(babbling)
(crash)
ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING SERIOUSLY.
HE IS UP AT 6:00 EVERY MORNING
WORKING ON SPECIAL TRAINING EQUIPMENT
DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY.
(laughter)
AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN HIS APPEARANCE.
LIKE THE DOCTOR, THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER
MR. FIGGIS IS AN IMPORTANT FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE.
LIKE THEM, HE USES THE LOCAL BANK.
YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE.
Interviewer: WHAT KIND OF MONEY
IS THERE IN IDIOTTING?
WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE
ANYTHING UP TO £10,000 A YEAR
IF HE'S THE HEAD OF SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE.
BUT, OF COURSE, THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT
STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY.
HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD
DEAD BUDGERIGARS, SPARROWS, ANYTHING.
BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S JOB VERY DIFFICULT.
BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE FOOLS TO THEMSELVES
BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST OVER TEN YEARS
ON A PIECE OF MOSS OR A DEAD VOLE
IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE.
Man: MR. BRANDO!
YES?
HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE.
I'LL TAKE IT IN THE OFFICE.
BUT MR. FIGGIS IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT.
HE IS A LECTURER IN IDIOCY
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF EASTANGLIA.
HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS.
(babbling and singing)
AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY
THESE APPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY
A HANDFUL OF MUD...
AND A KICK ON THE HEAD.
SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT THE GRADUATE IDIOT.
I'M A COMPLETELY SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT.
I MEAN... (mumbles incoherently)
NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.
ANYBODY WHO DID THAT ROUND HERE
WOULD BE LAUGHED OFF THE STREET.
NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE WANT SOMETHING WITTIER.
KEVIN O'NASSIS WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS.
WHOA!
O'Nassis: WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M MAD.
THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD, THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD.
WELL, I AM MAD, BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD.
I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS.
WHOA!
BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S PRIVATE LIFE?
HOW ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN?
WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT I'M NO FOOL.
(laughter)
BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING
ARE A FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT.
WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?
(screeching unintelligibly)
UH... UH...
(mumbling unintelligibly)
THE HEADQUARTERS OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS
IS HERE IN ST. JOHN'S WOOD.
INSIDE, THEY CAN EN JOY THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS
AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES OF RITUAL IDIOTTING.
WELL LEFT.
WELL-PLAYED.
WELL, WELL.
WELL-BRED.
(groans)
Commentator: GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO LORDS
ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE FIRST TEST.
SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND
AND ALREADY THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT.
COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT, AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN.
KNOTT IS IN AND IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT.
NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT
IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT, BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE.
NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
NOT NUTTING... NUTTING'S AT NINE.
NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE KNOCK... KNOCK...
(babbling)
ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING...
NOT A SAUSAGE... IN REPLY
TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED
SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS
WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING AND BOUNDARIES
AND ALL SORTS OF RUBBISHY THINGS.
BUT THE MAIN THING IS THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE
AN ABSOLUTELY OUTSTANDING START SO FAR.
(wheezes, then sniffs)
PETER?
SPLENDID.
JUST LISTEN TO THOSE THIGHS.
AND NOW IT'S THE NORTH EAST'S TURN WITH THE SAMBA... BRIAN?
RATHER I'M REMINDED OF THE STORY
OF GUBBY ALLEN IN '32...
OH, SHUT UP OR WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR.
AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
HE RUNS UP, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
EXTREMELY WELL NOT PLAYED THERE.
YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT DONE ANYTHING ABOUT.
A SUPERB SHOT OF NO KIND WHATSOEVER.
I WELL REMEMBER PLUM WARNER
LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR BALL ALONE IN 1732.
OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE.
(laughter)
AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG RUNNING IN AGAIN
TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
HE RUNS IN, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
A SUPERB DISPLAY OF INERTIA THERE.
AND THAT'S THE END OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS.
GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.
NO, NO, THE PLAYERS ARE HAVING DRINKS.
AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN...
YES, COWDREY IS BEING CARRIED OFF.
WELL, I NEVER!
NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?
IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE, NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
GET YOUR HAND OFF MY THIGH, WEST.
NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.
I THINK IT'S... IT'S THE SOFA... NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD.
THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE
TO TAKE GUARD NOW.
I WELL REMEMBER A SIMILAR DIVAN
BEING BROUGHT ON AT HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C.
AGAINST THE DARKIES.
OH, SHUT UP, ELEPHANT SNOUT.
AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD HAS TAKEN GUARD
AND, AH! ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL.
THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK TO HIS MARK
IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET, BOWLS TO THE TABLE...
A LITTLE BIT SHORT, BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE
AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!
THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE IS OUT... LEG BEFORE WICKET.
THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE.
AND NOW WE LEAVE LORDS AND GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3:00.
Commentator: WELL, HERE AT EPSOM, WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING
WITH 50 YARDS OF THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO
AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL.
TUCKED IN NICELY THERE IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL
WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX
MAKING A GOOD RUN FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS.
AND THE STANDARD LAMP IS FADING FAST
BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW
BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C.
AT THE POST, IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C.
THEN SOFA, HAT STAND, STANDARD LAMP
AND LASTLY, JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX.
OPEN THE BOX! OPEN THE BOX!
AND COULD WE HAVE THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?
(audience laughter)
(chuckling)
GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
AND YOUR NAME IS?
YES, YES.
AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
I GO TO CHURCH REGULARLY.
JOLLY GOOD, I SEE.
AND WHICH PRIZE DO YOU HAVE
PARTICULAR EYES ON THIS EVENING?
OH, I'D LIKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
JUST THERE.
JOLLY GOOD.
WELL, YOUR FIRST QUESTION
FOR THE BLOW ON THE HEAD THIS EVENING IS:
WHAT GREAT OPPONENT OF CARTESIAN DUALISM
RESISTS THE REDUCTION OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA
TO PHYSICAL STATES?
I DON'T KNOW THAT!
WELL, HAVE A GUESS.
HENRI BERGSON.
IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!
OH, THAT WAS LUCKY.
I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.
JOLLY GOOD.
I DON'T LIKE DARKIES.
(chortling)
WHO DOES?
AND NOW YOUR SECOND QUESTION
FOR THE BLOW ON THE HEAD IS:
WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD THAT PENGUINS EAT?
PORK LUNCHEON MEAT.
NO.
SPAM?
NO, NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?
PENGUINS.
PENGUINS?
YES.
I HATE PENGUINS.
NO, NO, NO.
THEY EAT THEMSELVES.
NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?
HORSES! ARMCHAIRS!
NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?
OH, PENGUINS.
PENGUINS.
CANNELLONI.
LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA, LOBSTER THERMIDOR
ESCALOPES DE VEAU A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES
GRATINEED WITH CHEESE.
NO, I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.
AH! BRIAN CLOSE.
(laughter)
NO, NO.
BRIAN INGLIS, BRIAN JOHNSON, BRYAN FORBES.
NO, NO.
NANETTE NEWMAN.
NO, WHAT SWIMS IN THE SEA
AND GETS CAUGHT IN NETS?
HENRI BERGSON.
NO!
GOATS.
UNDERWATER GOATS WITH SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS.
A BUFFALO WITH AN AQUALUNG.
NO.
REGINALD MAUDLING.
YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM, YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE.
DO YOU STILL WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?
YES, YES.
I'LL OFFER YOU A POKE IN THE EYE.
NO, I WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
A PUNCH IN THE THROAT?
NO!
ALL RIGHT THEN, A KICK IN THE KNEECAP.
NO.
MRS. SCUM, I'M OFFERING YOU A BOOT IN THE TEETH
AND A DAGGER UP THE STRAP.
(hesitantly): ER...
Audience members (shouting): TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
NO, I'LL TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
VERY WELL THEN, MRS. SCUM
YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE...
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
(ding)
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing)
(applause)
(music ends with fart)
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll