1
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:04,201
Narrator:
IN THE FIFTH CENTURY
2
00:00:04,237 --> 00:00:06,432
AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY
ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED
3
00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:10,910
THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN
EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED
4
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:13,344
TO THE BARBARIAN
HORDES TO THE EAST.
5
00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:16,474
ALARIC THE VISIGOTH,
GAISERIC THE VANDAL
6
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:20,282
AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH
IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD
7
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,651
IN A REIGN OF TERROR.
8
00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:24,282
BUT NONE SURPASSED
IN POWER AND CRUELTY
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00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:26,849
THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN.
10
00:00:26,893 --> 00:00:31,330
Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
IT'S THE ATTILA THE HUN SHOW.
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00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,491
(audience laughter)
12
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:37,264
(The Debbie Reynolds Show
theme song plays)
13
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:44,772
Man: ♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE ♪
14
00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:48,713
♪ OPEN YOUR HEART AND
SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED ♪
15
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:52,115
♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE ♪
16
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:55,952
♪ FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART
WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED ♪
17
00:00:56,022 --> 00:00:58,923
♪ MAKING ALL THE SENSE OF LIFE ♪
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00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:03,588
♪ GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE ♪
19
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,463
♪ MAKING ALL
THE CLOUDS ROLL BY ♪
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00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:09,957
♪ GETTING SOME SUN
IN YOUR LIFE ♪
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00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,062
♪ AND YOU CAN LIGHT ♪
22
00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:16,735
♪ LIGHT UP A GLOOM-CAST SKY ♪
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00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:20,576
♪ COLOR THE GLOOMIEST DAY ♪
24
00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:26,176
♪ CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY ♪
25
00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:28,949
♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE,
JUST A LITTLE LOVE ♪
26
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♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE ♪
27
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Chorus:
♪ JUST A LITTLE LOVE ♪
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00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:33,789
♪ WITH A LITTLE LOVE... ♪
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Narrator: IN THE SECOND
QUARTER OF THE FIFTH CENTURY
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00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:38,988
THE HUNS BECAME A BYWORD
FOR MERCILESS SAVAGERY.
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00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,761
THEIR KHAN WAS
THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA.
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WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES,
HE SWEPT ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
33
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:53,009
(in American accent):
OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!
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00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,479
(canned laughter)
35
00:01:54,514 --> 00:01:55,811
HELLO, DARLING.
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00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:58,374
HAVE A BUSY DAY
AT THE OFFICE?
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00:01:58,418 --> 00:01:59,749
NOT AT ALL BAD.
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00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:03,017
ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP
ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE.
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00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,522
(canned laughter)
40
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:07,822
WELL, I WON'T SAY
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU
41
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,796
BUT, BOY, AM I
GLAD TO SEE YOU!
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00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:13,321
(canned laughter)
43
00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:17,928
(canned cheering)
44
00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,607
HI, DADDY.
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00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:23,939
(canned laughter)
46
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,035
HI, DADDY.
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00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,478
(canned laughter)
48
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:28,879
HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY.
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00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,177
(canned cheering)
50
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,810
HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT
FOR YOU TWO KIDS
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00:02:32,852 --> 00:02:35,013
IN THAT BAG.
52
00:02:35,054 --> 00:02:38,023
IN THAT BAG.
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00:02:38,057 --> 00:02:40,924
(canned laughter)
54
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,157
I WANT YOU KIDS
TO GET "A-HEAD."
55
00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:47,655
(canned laughter and cheering)
56
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:51,898
YEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN.
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00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:53,496
(canned applause)
58
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:56,509
HI, UNCLE TOM.
59
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,410
THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE
O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS
60
00:02:59,445 --> 00:03:01,208
TO SEE Y'ALL.
61
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,579
(canned laughter)
62
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,788
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
63
00:03:09,822 --> 00:03:11,084
IT'S...
64
00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:12,624
(canned cheering)
65
00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:15,219
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing)
66
00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:18,992
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
67
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:37,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
68
00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:43,418
(music ends with fart)
69
00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:49,659
YES, IT'S ATTILA THE NUN!
70
00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:53,655
A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK
A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY.
71
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,964
(grunting, growling)
72
00:03:57,637 --> 00:03:59,036
NURSE!
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00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,606
HELLO, MISS NORRIS,
HOW ARE YOU?
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NOT TOO BAD,
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
75
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:08,846
YES, WELL, I THINK
I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU.
76
00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:10,940
UM, WHAT ARE
THEY DOING HERE?
77
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,679
Doctor:
UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT
78
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:13,686
THEY'RE STUDENTS.
79
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:18,714
UM... LIGHT,
PLEASE, NURSE.
80
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:21,659
OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO.
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(striptease music plays)
82
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BREATHE IN... OUT.
83
00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:29,965
Doctor:
IN... OUT.
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00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,766
IN...
85
00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:35,265
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
86
00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:38,175
CHARLES CROMPTON,
THE STRIPPING DOCTOR.
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00:04:38,244 --> 00:04:42,578
AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB
88
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:46,483
FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
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00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:50,512
FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
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00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:52,791
GOOD EVENING.
91
00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:54,190
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE
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00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,319
OUR POSITION
ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES
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00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:59,092
AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR
COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS.
94
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,724
(striptease music playing)
95
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,463
NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE,
THEORETICALLY
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00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:05,767
IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES
97
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:09,901
WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED
FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY
98
00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:13,378
TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES
AT A REALISTIC LEVEL.
99
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:17,110
BUT THIS WOULD HAVE
THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING
100
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:21,678
OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS
FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY.
101
00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:26,215
BUT I PLEDGE THAT,
SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET
102
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:30,820
EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT
POSITION ON SUBSIDIES
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WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE,
WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE
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OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES.
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A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED
TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES
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WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED
TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS
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OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS.
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(laughter)
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00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:56,252
SO THAT TOGETHER
WE WILL MAINTAIN
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A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY
BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE
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00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:02,793
IN WORLD TRADE
AND FOR WORLD PEACE.
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00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:04,956
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
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00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:08,831
(scattered applause)
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00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,597
WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?
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00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:14,834
THE SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS.
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00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:19,834
AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES,
A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE
117
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:24,714
FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS
AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY.
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(belly dancing music plays)
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("Pomp and
Circumstance"plays)
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Narrator:
YES, TODAY IN BRITAIN THERE IS
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00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,291
A NEW WAVE OF INTEREST
IN POLITICS AND POLITICIANS.
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WELL, WE'RE IN IT
FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW.
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WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING.
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AND THE DEBATES.
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00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:48,100
YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE
IS JUST FABULOUS.
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WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH
MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW
127
00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:55,004
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.
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00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:57,515
OH, YES, I LIKE
CIVIL SERVANTS.
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00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:59,313
OH, YES,
THEY'RE NICE.
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00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,546
I... I LIKE
THE SPEAKER.
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00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:02,815
OH, YEAH.
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00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:05,415
I LIKE
BLACK ROD.
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00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:07,289
WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?
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00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:10,227
WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS,
THE LITTLE BASTARD.
135
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,026
SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
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00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:15,329
AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE
AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN.
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00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,732
(door closes)
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HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO
TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?
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YES, I BLOODY
TOLD 'EM.
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WHAT ABOUT?
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00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:22,574
I DON'T KNOW.
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00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:23,939
WAS IT REGINALD
BOSANQUET?
143
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:24,965
NO, NO, NO.
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00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:26,740
DID HE HAVE HIS
HEAD ALL BANDAGED?
145
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:27,973
NO, IT WASN'T
LIKE THAT.
146
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THEY HAD LOTS
OF LIGHTS
147
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,706
AND CAMERAS AND
TAPE RECORDERS
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00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:31,910
ALL THAT SORT
OF THING.
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00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,509
OH, THAT'LL
BE RAY BAXTER
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00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,522
AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS
FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD.
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00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:38,649
OOH, I PREFER
REGINALD BOSANQUET.
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00:07:38,691 --> 00:07:40,352
THERE'S NOT SO
MANY OF 'EM.
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00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:41,586
(doorbell rings)
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00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,857
OH, THAT'LL BE
THE RATCATCHER.
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00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:45,591
HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?
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00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,223
YES?
157
00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:51,532
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL
158
00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:53,038
WELL, HOW VERY NICE.
159
00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:55,233
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
160
00:07:55,274 --> 00:07:58,607
I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN
OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE
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00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:00,976
AND I'M VERY PLEASED
TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU
162
00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:02,674
THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN
163
00:08:02,715 --> 00:08:05,775
AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST
AGAINST THE WEST INDIES.
164
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:06,785
REALLY?
165
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,047
NO, IT WAS JUST
A LITTLE JOKE.
166
00:08:08,087 --> 00:08:09,645
ACTUALLY I'M
THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER.
167
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,054
OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN
EXPECTING YOU.
168
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,114
OH, I GATHER
YOU'VE GOT
169
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,352
A LITTLE
RODENTAL PROBLEM.
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OH, BLIMEY!
YOU'D THINK
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00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:15,925
HE WAS AWAKE
ALL THE NIGHT
172
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:17,827
SCRABBLING DOWN
BY THE WAINSCOTTING.
173
00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:20,094
MMM, THAT'S AN
INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?
174
00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:21,099
WHAT?
175
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:22,122
WAINSCOTTING.
176
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,534
WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING.
177
00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:27,698
SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE
DORSET VILLAGE.
178
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:28,729
WAINSCOTTING.
179
00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:32,141
WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!
180
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,907
UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?
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00:08:33,946 --> 00:08:35,106
WELL, DOWN HERE
182
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,047
YOU CAN USUALLY
HEAR THEM.
183
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,072
SHH! SHH! SHH!
184
00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:41,917
(bleating)
185
00:08:41,954 --> 00:08:44,388
NO, THAT'S SHEEP
YOU'VE GOT THERE.
186
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:46,050
(bleating continues)
187
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,060
NO, THAT'S
DEFINITELY SHEEP.
188
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:49,391
A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY.
189
00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:50,690
IS IT?
190
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:52,857
YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S
"A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND
191
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:54,093
TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE
192
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,533
AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING
TO FIT INTO A TRAP.
193
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:57,763
OH, WHAT
YOU GONNA DO?
194
00:08:57,803 --> 00:08:59,964
WELL, WE'LL HAVE
TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE.
195
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:00,995
OH, YEAH.
196
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,974
UH... OOH...
197
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,806
HEY! THERE'S
ONE HERE.
198
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,869
NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S MICE.
199
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:10,246
(laughter)
200
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,548
OH! THIS IS
WHAT WE'RE AFTER!
201
00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:17,283
(laughter)
202
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:20,588
EXCUSE ME, IS THE
THIRD TEST IN HERE?
203
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:23,720
NO, NO, THAT WAS
A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE.
204
00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,025
(laughter)
205
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:28,227
RIGHT! WELL, I'M GOING
IN THE WAINSCOTTING.
206
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,734
THEY SAID IT AGAIN!
207
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:32,294
LAY DOWN SOME
SHEEP POISON.
208
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:33,305
OOH.
209
00:09:33,339 --> 00:09:36,137
(bleating)
210
00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:37,142
(gunshot)
211
00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:42,204
(yelling in pain)
212
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,307
OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!
213
00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:46,648
OOH! BLIMEY.
214
00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:48,483
NOW, NORMALLY
A SHEEP IS
215
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,352
A PLACID,
TIMID CREATURE
216
00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:52,380
BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!
217
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:56,725
(laughter)
218
00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:07,964
IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN
OF SHEEP... A KILLER SHEEP
219
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:09,998
THAT CAN NOT
ONLY HOLD A RIFLE
220
00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:12,067
BUT IS ALSO
A FIRST-CLASS SHOT.
221
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,375
BUT WHERE ARE THEY
COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?
222
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:16,472
THAT I DON'T KNOW.
223
00:10:16,515 --> 00:10:18,506
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
224
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,519
I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
225
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:24,819
I'M AFRAID I REALLY
JUST DON'T KNOW.
226
00:10:24,857 --> 00:10:28,520
I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
227
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,788
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
228
00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:32,491
I'M AFRAID EVEN I
REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW.
229
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,999
I'M AFRAID I HAVE
TO TELL YOU THAT...
230
00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:38,196
THANK YOU.
231
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:39,636
I DON'T KNOW.
232
00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:42,232
OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS
PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING
233
00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:43,639
WHICH THE
KILLER SHEEP...
234
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:44,836
WAS WEARING...
235
00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:47,038
IN YESTERDAY'S RAID
ON SELFRIDGES.
236
00:10:47,079 --> 00:10:48,706
I'LL CARRY OUT
TESTS ON IT
237
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,409
STRAIGHT AWAY,
PROFESSOR.
238
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:54,545
(in Jamaican accent): HELLO, IS
THE THIRD TEST IN HERE, PLEASE?
239
00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:56,986
(laughter)
240
00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:59,253
PROFESSOR, THERE
ARE SOME CRICKETERS
241
00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:00,417
IN THE LABORATORY.
242
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,256
THIS MAY BE EVEN
MORE SERIOUS
243
00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:04,785
THAN EVEN I HAD
AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING.
244
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:08,561
WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE.
245
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:09,931
THERE'S NO
TIME TO WASTE!
246
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:12,130
GET ME THE CHIEF
COMMISSIONER OF POLICE.
247
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,195
YES, SIR.
248
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:18,006
NO, NO,
ON THE PHONE!
249
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,478
LOOK OF FEAR!
250
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,242
ANOTHER STRANGE LINE.
251
00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:23,942
LOOK OUT,
MISS GARTER OIL!
252
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,450
PROFESSOR,
WHAT IS IT?
253
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:26,746
WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?
254
00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:28,276
LOOK, THERE
IN THE DOORWAY!
255
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:29,344
(screams)
256
00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:31,720
ARTHUR X, LEADER
OF THE PENNINE GANG.
257
00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:33,156
DON'T NOBODY MOVE.
258
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:36,593
ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN'
PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION.
259
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,119
BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT.
260
00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:47,871
(gunfire)
261
00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:52,841
NEXT... BASIL, YOU
AND THE KID... MOVE.
262
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:58,316
(gunfire)
263
00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:01,046
OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME
WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF.
264
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:06,889
(explosion)
265
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:13,058
(banjo and bass play
"Foggy Mountain Breakdown")
266
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,975
BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP
BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS
267
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:26,637
WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE.
268
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,646
PUSSYCATS BEGAN
TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES.
269
00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:31,080
COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN
TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS.
270
00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:34,644
AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE
TELEVISION PROGRAMS.
271
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:37,053
IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS.
272
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,785
GOOD EVENING,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS.
273
00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:43,420
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED
IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY
274
00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:47,057
WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH-
OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION
275
00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:48,930
WITH A BOLLARD.
276
00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:52,529
THAT IS A BOLLARD
AND NOT A PARROT.
277
00:12:52,571 --> 00:12:54,095
A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID
278
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,233
HE WAS GLAD
NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED.
279
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:57,799
(laughter)
280
00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:02,280
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY
MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS
281
00:13:02,314 --> 00:13:05,477
TO DISCUSS A £4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.
282
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,349
NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE
283
00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:09,684
OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE
WOODEN TRAPEZE
284
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,555
OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE
MILLET SEED... YUM, YUM.
285
00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:14,149
THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS.
286
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:16,286
NOW OUR PROGRAMS
FOR PARROTS CONTINUE
287
00:13:16,328 --> 00:13:18,523
WITH PART THREE
OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES
288
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:20,998
SPECIALLY ADAPTED
FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY.
289
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:22,500
THE STORY SO FAR:
290
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:25,629
DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND,
AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE.
291
00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:28,640
HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS
HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY
292
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:30,107
WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED
293
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:33,202
IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF
THE MARQUIS de ST. EVREMONDE
294
00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:36,043
WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED
MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE.
295
00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:39,448
DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY
TENDING HER AGED FATHER.
296
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:51,024
(imitating parrot):
'ALLO, 'ALLO!
297
00:13:51,063 --> 00:13:52,291
'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!
298
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,731
WHO'S A PRETTY
BOY, THEN?
299
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,291
WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?
300
00:13:56,335 --> 00:14:00,601
(all squawking at once)
301
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:05,269
AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON,
HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS.
302
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:07,176
NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED...
303
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:09,943
Announcer: AND WHILE THAT'S
GOING ON, HERE FROM WESTMINSTER
304
00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:11,745
IS A PARLIAMENTARY REPORT
FOR HUMANS.
305
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:14,514
IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN
ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT
306
00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:17,215
OF BEING SILLY AND DOING
NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS.
307
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:20,453
THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS
IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM
308
00:14:20,492 --> 00:14:23,586
BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN
NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY.
309
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,995
ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT
THE WATERMELON, THEN?"
310
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:28,761
WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER
TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD
311
00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:30,927
AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG
IN THE LAVVY.
312
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:33,302
ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS
WOULD BE CUT OFF
313
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:35,204
AND DISTRIBUTED
AMONGST THE POOR.
314
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:37,766
FOR THE GOVERNMENT,
A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID
315
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,404
THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF
WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED
316
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,538
AND HE FANCIED A BIT.
317
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,104
FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED
318
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:46,049
THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST
TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN
319
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:48,952
TO HIM, HIS FRIEND
AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE.
320
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:50,353
FROM THE BACK BENCHES
321
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,789
THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS
OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"
322
00:14:52,858 --> 00:14:55,190
AND A HEALTHY CRY
OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"
323
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:56,956
FROM THE MINISTER
WITHOUT PORTFOLIO.
324
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,122
(laughter)
325
00:14:58,163 --> 00:14:59,960
REPLYING,
THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID
326
00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:01,796
HE COULD NO LONGER DENY
THE RUMORS
327
00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:04,028
BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND
WERE VERY HAPPY.
328
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:06,560
AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED,
RHUBARB WAS CHEAP
329
00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:08,664
AND WHAT WAS THE HARM
IN A SAUNA BATH.
330
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,802
...WERE NOT INVOLVED.
331
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:15,746
THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET
THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY
332
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:19,080
TO DISCUSS A £4 MILLION
AIRLINER DEAL.
333
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:21,177
NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS
TO AUSTRALIA
334
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,812
CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES
335
00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:25,152
OR ATE ANY OF THOSE
YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES.
336
00:15:25,190 --> 00:15:26,817
YUM, YUM.
337
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:30,920
THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS,
AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!
338
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:37,869
(shouting viciously)
339
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,170
WELL, THAT'S ALL
FOR ATTILA THE BUN.
340
00:15:42,207 --> 00:15:44,141
AND NOW, IDIOTS.
341
00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:58,580
Announcer: ARTHUR FIGGIS IS
AN IDIOT, A VILLAGE IDIOT.
342
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:01,650
TONIGHT WE LOOK
AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY.
343
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,559
(intelligently):
WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY
344
00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:05,825
THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART
OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM
345
00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:07,593
AND, AS SUCH, HAS
A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY
346
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:11,091
IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY,
BECAUSE, YOU SEE...
347
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,626
OOH, AR, OOH, AR!
348
00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:14,798
(babbling incoherently)
349
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,273
OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR.
350
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:19,766
BECAUSE THERE IS THIS
VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY
351
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:24,374
FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE
CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE.
352
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:26,646
AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT...
353
00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:31,054
(babbling)
354
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:32,887
THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON.
355
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:35,894
THIS IS THE ROLE THAT
I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY
356
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:39,227
HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE
FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS.
357
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:40,993
AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS.
358
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,399
I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR
HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE.
359
00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:45,403
YES, SPLENDID.
360
00:16:45,437 --> 00:16:47,371
THAT'S MR. JENKINS,
HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT.
361
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:50,739
AND SO, YOU SEE,
THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE
362
00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:54,769
A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE
FOR THIS COMMUNITY.
363
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:56,906
OH, EXCUSE ME.
364
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,348
A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED.
365
00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,579
I SHALL HAVE TO FALL
OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID.
366
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:03,087
(babbling)
367
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:04,248
(crash)
368
00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:13,356
ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING
SERIOUSLY.
369
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:15,264
HE IS UP AT 6:00 EVERY MORNING
370
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,530
WORKING ON SPECIAL
TRAINING EQUIPMENT
371
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,264
DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY.
372
00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:23,138
(laughter)
373
00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:30,475
AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES
GREAT PRIDE IN HIS APPEARANCE.
374
00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:38,551
LIKE THE DOCTOR,
THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER
375
00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:41,616
MR. FIGGIS IS AN IMPORTANT
FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE.
376
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:44,959
LIKE THEM,
HE USES THE LOCAL BANK.
377
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:48,295
YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER
OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE.
378
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:49,925
Interviewer:
WHAT KIND OF MONEY
379
00:17:49,968 --> 00:17:51,401
IS THERE
IN IDIOTTING?
380
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:53,928
WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY
BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE
381
00:17:53,972 --> 00:17:55,496
ANYTHING UP TO £10,000 A YEAR
382
00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:58,135
IF HE'S THE HEAD OF
SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE.
383
00:17:58,177 --> 00:18:00,475
BUT, OF COURSE,
THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT
384
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:01,979
STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY.
385
00:18:02,047 --> 00:18:05,983
HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD
386
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:09,977
DEAD BUDGERIGARS,
SPARROWS, ANYTHING.
387
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,855
BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S
JOB VERY DIFFICULT.
388
00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:15,121
BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE
FOOLS TO THEMSELVES
389
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,390
BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST
OVER TEN YEARS
390
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,158
ON A PIECE OF MOSS
OR A DEAD VOLE
391
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:20,825
IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE.
392
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:21,833
Man:
MR. BRANDO!
393
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:22,834
YES?
394
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:24,165
HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE.
395
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:26,262
I'LL TAKE IT
IN THE OFFICE.
396
00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:29,399
BUT MR. FIGGIS
IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT.
397
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:31,238
HE IS A LECTURER IN IDIOCY
398
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:33,506
AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF EASTANGLIA.
399
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:37,504
HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS
OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS.
400
00:18:37,549 --> 00:18:40,609
(babbling and singing)
401
00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:42,745
AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY
402
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:47,191
THESE APPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE
A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY
403
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:50,525
A HANDFUL OF MUD...
404
00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:52,029
AND A KICK ON THE HEAD.
405
00:18:52,097 --> 00:18:54,725
SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT
THE GRADUATE IDIOT.
406
00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:57,200
I'M A COMPLETELY
SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT.
407
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:59,864
I MEAN...
(mumbles incoherently)
408
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,372
NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE.
409
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:03,169
ANYBODY WHO DID THAT
ROUND HERE
410
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:05,039
WOULD BE LAUGHED
OFF THE STREET.
411
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:08,740
NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE
WANT SOMETHING WITTIER.
412
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:17,887
KEVIN O'NASSIS
WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS.
413
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,050
WHOA!
414
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,526
O'Nassis: WELL, YOU'VE GOT
TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
415
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:24,324
I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE
THINK I'M MAD.
416
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:27,059
THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD,
THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD.
417
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,191
WELL, I AM MAD,
BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD.
418
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,259
I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS.
419
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:32,600
WHOA!
420
00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:34,799
BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S
PRIVATE LIFE?
421
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,104
HOW ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH WOMEN?
422
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:41,078
WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT,
BUT I'M NO FOOL.
423
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:42,774
(laughter)
424
00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:46,341
BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S
DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING
425
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:49,752
ARE A FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN
WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT.
426
00:19:49,788 --> 00:19:52,723
WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO
THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?
427
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:56,922
(screeching unintelligibly)
428
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,895
UH... UH...
429
00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:16,208
(mumbling unintelligibly)
430
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,652
THE HEADQUARTERS
OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS
431
00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:23,450
IS HERE IN ST. JOHN'S WOOD.
432
00:20:23,488 --> 00:20:27,322
INSIDE, THEY CAN EN JOY
THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS
433
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:31,352
AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES
OF RITUAL IDIOTTING.
434
00:20:38,837 --> 00:20:40,464
WELL LEFT.
435
00:20:40,505 --> 00:20:41,972
WELL-PLAYED.
436
00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:43,804
WELL, WELL.
437
00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:45,139
WELL-BRED.
438
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,168
(groans)
439
00:20:49,514 --> 00:20:51,505
Commentator: GOOD AFTERNOON
AND WELCOME TO LORDS
440
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:53,609
ON THE SECOND DAY
OF THE FIRST TEST.
441
00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:56,883
SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE
HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND
442
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:59,152
AND ALREADY
THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT.
443
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:01,989
COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT,
AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN.
444
00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:04,154
KNOTT IS IN AND
IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT.
445
00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:06,562
NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT
A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT
446
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:08,930
IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT,
BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE.
447
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:10,662
NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
448
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:12,499
NOT NUTTING... NUTTING'S AT NINE.
449
00:21:12,537 --> 00:21:14,903
NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE
KNOCK... KNOCK...
450
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,670
(babbling)
451
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:20,769
ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED
EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING...
452
00:21:20,812 --> 00:21:22,507
NOT A SAUSAGE... IN REPLY
453
00:21:22,547 --> 00:21:26,847
TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL
OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED
454
00:21:26,885 --> 00:21:30,184
SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY
FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS
455
00:21:30,255 --> 00:21:32,780
WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING
AND BOUNDARIES
456
00:21:32,824 --> 00:21:34,849
AND ALL SORTS
OF RUBBISHY THINGS.
457
00:21:34,893 --> 00:21:37,384
BUT THE MAIN THING IS
THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE
458
00:21:37,429 --> 00:21:39,693
AN ABSOLUTELY
OUTSTANDING START SO FAR.
459
00:21:39,731 --> 00:21:41,198
(wheezes, then sniffs)
460
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:42,359
PETER?
461
00:21:42,401 --> 00:21:43,425
SPLENDID.
462
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:44,992
JUST LISTEN
TO THOSE THIGHS.
463
00:21:45,037 --> 00:21:48,370
AND NOW IT'S THE NORTH EAST'S
TURN WITH THE SAMBA... BRIAN?
464
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:50,898
RATHER I'M REMINDED
OF THE STORY
465
00:21:50,942 --> 00:21:52,876
OF GUBBY ALLEN
IN '32...
466
00:21:52,911 --> 00:21:55,106
OH, SHUT UP OR
WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR.
467
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:59,049
AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING
UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
468
00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:02,383
HE RUNS UP,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
469
00:22:02,421 --> 00:22:03,649
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
470
00:22:03,689 --> 00:22:05,782
EXTREMELY WELL
NOT PLAYED THERE.
471
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:08,384
YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT
DONE ANYTHING ABOUT.
472
00:22:08,427 --> 00:22:10,657
A SUPERB SHOT OF
NO KIND WHATSOEVER.
473
00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:12,357
I WELL REMEMBER
PLUM WARNER
474
00:22:12,397 --> 00:22:15,059
LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR
BALL ALONE IN 1732.
475
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:17,728
OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE.
476
00:22:17,769 --> 00:22:19,430
(laughter)
477
00:22:19,471 --> 00:22:22,736
AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG
RUNNING IN AGAIN
478
00:22:22,774 --> 00:22:24,241
TO BOWL TO COWDREY.
479
00:22:24,309 --> 00:22:26,903
HE RUNS IN,
HE BOWLS TO COWDREY...
480
00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:28,378
AND NO SHOT AT ALL.
481
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,540
A SUPERB DISPLAY
OF INERTIA THERE.
482
00:22:30,582 --> 00:22:32,743
AND THAT'S THE END
OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS.
483
00:22:32,784 --> 00:22:34,081
GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE.
484
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:35,916
NO, NO, THE PLAYERS
ARE HAVING DRINKS.
485
00:22:35,954 --> 00:22:38,923
AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?
486
00:22:38,957 --> 00:22:41,221
I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN...
487
00:22:41,259 --> 00:22:43,659
YES, COWDREY
IS BEING CARRIED OFF.
488
00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:44,787
WELL, I NEVER!
489
00:22:44,830 --> 00:22:46,195
NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?
490
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:48,893
IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE,
NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS.
491
00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:50,765
GET YOUR HAND
OFF MY THIGH, WEST.
492
00:22:50,802 --> 00:22:52,269
NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS.
493
00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:55,671
I THINK IT'S... IT'S THE SOFA...
NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD.
494
00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:58,608
THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE
495
00:22:58,643 --> 00:23:00,577
TO TAKE GUARD NOW.
496
00:23:00,612 --> 00:23:02,409
I WELL REMEMBER
A SIMILAR DIVAN
497
00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:04,847
BEING BROUGHT ON AT
HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C.
498
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:06,111
AGAINST THE DARKIES.
499
00:23:06,151 --> 00:23:07,709
OH, SHUT UP,
ELEPHANT SNOUT.
500
00:23:07,753 --> 00:23:10,449
AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD
HAS TAKEN GUARD
501
00:23:10,489 --> 00:23:13,981
AND, AH! ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON
THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL.
502
00:23:14,025 --> 00:23:16,289
THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK
TO HIS MARK
503
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:20,126
IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET,
BOWLS TO THE TABLE...
504
00:23:20,165 --> 00:23:22,861
A LITTLE BIT SHORT,
BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE
505
00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:24,391
AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!
506
00:23:24,436 --> 00:23:27,496
THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE
IS OUT... LEG BEFORE WICKET.
507
00:23:27,539 --> 00:23:29,973
THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE.
508
00:23:30,008 --> 00:23:34,069
AND NOW WE LEAVE LORDS AND
GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3:00.
509
00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:36,307
Commentator: WELL, HERE AT
EPSOM, WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING
510
00:23:36,381 --> 00:23:38,315
WITH 50 YARDS OF
THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO
511
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,578
AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN
THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL.
512
00:23:40,619 --> 00:23:42,587
TUCKED IN NICELY THERE
IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL
513
00:23:42,621 --> 00:23:43,952
WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX
514
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,320
MAKING A GOOD RUN
FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS.
515
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:46,914
AND THE STANDARD LAMP
IS FADING FAST
516
00:23:46,958 --> 00:23:48,858
BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY
TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW
517
00:23:48,894 --> 00:23:50,156
BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C.
518
00:23:50,195 --> 00:23:52,322
AT THE POST,
IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C.
519
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,296
THEN SOFA, HAT STAND,
STANDARD LAMP
520
00:23:54,332 --> 00:23:56,266
AND LASTLY,
JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX.
521
00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:58,997
OPEN THE BOX!
OPEN THE BOX!
522
00:23:59,037 --> 00:24:01,005
OPEN THE BOX!
523
00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:02,529
OPEN THE BOX!
524
00:24:05,210 --> 00:24:07,906
AND COULD WE HAVE
THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?
525
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:12,680
(audience laughter)
526
00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:16,517
(chuckling)
527
00:24:16,555 --> 00:24:17,954
GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
528
00:24:17,989 --> 00:24:19,183
AND YOUR NAME IS?
529
00:24:19,224 --> 00:24:20,350
YES, YES.
530
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:21,654
AND WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?
531
00:24:21,693 --> 00:24:23,183
I GO TO CHURCH
REGULARLY.
532
00:24:23,228 --> 00:24:24,559
JOLLY GOOD, I SEE.
533
00:24:24,596 --> 00:24:26,223
AND WHICH PRIZE
DO YOU HAVE
534
00:24:26,264 --> 00:24:28,198
PARTICULAR EYES ON
THIS EVENING?
535
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:29,700
OH, I'D LIKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
536
00:24:29,734 --> 00:24:30,701
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
537
00:24:30,735 --> 00:24:31,702
JUST THERE.
538
00:24:31,736 --> 00:24:33,101
JOLLY GOOD.
539
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:34,605
WELL, YOUR
FIRST QUESTION
540
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:37,073
FOR THE BLOW ON THE
HEAD THIS EVENING IS:
541
00:24:37,108 --> 00:24:39,508
WHAT GREAT OPPONENT
OF CARTESIAN DUALISM
542
00:24:39,544 --> 00:24:42,377
RESISTS THE REDUCTION
OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA
543
00:24:42,414 --> 00:24:44,712
TO PHYSICAL STATES?
544
00:24:44,749 --> 00:24:46,376
I DON'T KNOW THAT!
545
00:24:46,418 --> 00:24:48,215
WELL, HAVE A GUESS.
546
00:24:48,253 --> 00:24:49,550
HENRI BERGSON.
547
00:24:49,588 --> 00:24:50,850
IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!
548
00:24:50,889 --> 00:24:52,015
OH, THAT WAS LUCKY.
549
00:24:52,057 --> 00:24:53,024
I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM.
550
00:24:53,058 --> 00:24:54,025
JOLLY GOOD.
551
00:24:54,059 --> 00:24:55,026
I DON'T LIKE DARKIES.
552
00:24:55,060 --> 00:24:59,724
(chortling)
553
00:24:59,764 --> 00:25:02,232
WHO DOES?
554
00:25:02,267 --> 00:25:04,064
AND NOW YOUR
SECOND QUESTION
555
00:25:04,102 --> 00:25:05,899
FOR THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD IS:
556
00:25:05,937 --> 00:25:08,565
WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD
THAT PENGUINS EAT?
557
00:25:08,607 --> 00:25:09,904
PORK LUNCHEON MEAT.
558
00:25:09,941 --> 00:25:10,965
NO.
559
00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:12,067
SPAM?
560
00:25:12,110 --> 00:25:13,509
NO, NO, NO, WHAT
DO PENGUINS EAT?
561
00:25:13,545 --> 00:25:14,534
PENGUINS.
562
00:25:14,579 --> 00:25:15,546
PENGUINS?
563
00:25:15,580 --> 00:25:16,547
YES.
564
00:25:16,581 --> 00:25:17,878
I HATE PENGUINS.
565
00:25:17,916 --> 00:25:18,883
NO, NO, NO.
566
00:25:18,917 --> 00:25:19,884
THEY EAT THEMSELVES.
567
00:25:19,918 --> 00:25:20,976
NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?
568
00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:21,986
HORSES! ARMCHAIRS!
569
00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:23,078
NO, NO, WHAT DO
PENGUINS EAT?
570
00:25:23,121 --> 00:25:24,088
OH, PENGUINS.
571
00:25:24,122 --> 00:25:25,089
PENGUINS.
572
00:25:25,123 --> 00:25:26,147
CANNELLONI.
573
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:28,386
LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA,
LOBSTER THERMIDOR
574
00:25:28,426 --> 00:25:31,088
ESCALOPES DE VEAU
A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES
575
00:25:31,129 --> 00:25:32,528
GRATINEED WITH CHEESE.
576
00:25:32,564 --> 00:25:34,191
NO, I'LL GIVE YOU
A CLUE.
577
00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:38,102
AH! BRIAN CLOSE.
578
00:25:38,136 --> 00:25:39,194
(laughter)
579
00:25:39,237 --> 00:25:40,431
NO, NO.
580
00:25:40,472 --> 00:25:42,770
BRIAN INGLIS, BRIAN
JOHNSON, BRYAN FORBES.
581
00:25:42,807 --> 00:25:44,104
NO, NO.
582
00:25:44,142 --> 00:25:45,769
NANETTE NEWMAN.
583
00:25:45,810 --> 00:25:47,937
NO, WHAT SWIMS
IN THE SEA
584
00:25:47,979 --> 00:25:49,947
AND GETS CAUGHT
IN NETS?
585
00:25:49,981 --> 00:25:51,448
HENRI BERGSON.
586
00:25:51,483 --> 00:25:52,450
NO!
587
00:25:52,484 --> 00:25:53,644
GOATS.
588
00:25:53,685 --> 00:25:54,947
UNDERWATER GOATS WITH
SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS.
589
00:25:54,986 --> 00:25:56,112
A BUFFALO
WITH AN AQUALUNG.
590
00:25:56,154 --> 00:25:57,121
NO.
591
00:25:57,155 --> 00:25:58,315
REGINALD MAUDLING.
592
00:25:58,356 --> 00:26:00,449
YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH,
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
593
00:26:00,525 --> 00:26:02,993
RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM,
YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE.
594
00:26:03,028 --> 00:26:05,121
DO YOU STILL WANT
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?
595
00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:06,460
YES, YES.
596
00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:08,295
I'LL OFFER YOU
A POKE IN THE EYE.
597
00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:09,800
NO, I WANT THE BLOW
ON THE HEAD.
598
00:26:09,834 --> 00:26:10,801
A PUNCH
IN THE THROAT?
599
00:26:10,835 --> 00:26:11,961
NO!
600
00:26:12,003 --> 00:26:13,300
ALL RIGHT THEN, A
KICK IN THE KNEECAP.
601
00:26:13,338 --> 00:26:14,600
NO.
602
00:26:14,639 --> 00:26:17,267
MRS. SCUM, I'M OFFERING
YOU A BOOT IN THE TEETH
603
00:26:17,309 --> 00:26:18,799
AND A DAGGER
UP THE STRAP.
604
00:26:18,843 --> 00:26:20,811
(hesitantly):
ER...
605
00:26:20,845 --> 00:26:23,473
Audience members (shouting):
TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
606
00:26:23,515 --> 00:26:25,813
NO, I'LL TAKE
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD.
607
00:26:25,850 --> 00:26:27,477
VERY WELL THEN,
MRS. SCUM
608
00:26:27,519 --> 00:26:29,851
YOU HAVE WON
TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE...
609
00:26:29,888 --> 00:26:31,355
THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!
610
00:26:33,191 --> 00:26:34,180
(ding)
611
00:26:38,163 --> 00:26:41,291
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"
playing)
612
00:26:49,341 --> 00:26:51,332
(applause)
613
00:27:10,395 --> 00:27:11,726
(music ends with fart)
614
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:17,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll