1
00:00:03,269 --> 00:00:04,670
Hey.

2
00:00:04,703 --> 00:00:06,339
How was your day?

3
00:00:06,373 --> 00:00:07,974
You know that scene in "Jurassic Park"

4
00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:11,010
where the dinosaur finds the guy stuck
in the mud, spits at him, then eats him?

5
00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:12,679
Oof. That bad, huh?

6
00:00:12,711 --> 00:00:15,015
No, that good. At work, I am the dinosaur.

7
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,385
Ah! Dad, I'm glad you're finally home.

8
00:00:18,417 --> 00:00:19,585
I need your help.

9
00:00:19,618 --> 00:00:21,521
Mandy, I... I've been home. I can help.

10
00:00:21,554 --> 00:00:23,890
Ohhh! That is so sweet, Mom!

11
00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:26,225
Yeah, but this has nothing
to do with science or wine.

12
00:00:26,259 --> 00:00:31,030
So, um, as you may have heard, I'm on
the committee to select the speaker

13
00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:33,104
for the business school's
fall graduation next week.

14
00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:35,702
Right. I think WikiLeaks already
spilled the beans on that.

15
00:00:35,734 --> 00:00:36,936
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

16
00:00:36,969 --> 00:00:39,073
Did I miss a year? You aren't graduating.

17
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:41,542
No, I'm not, Mother, but
being on the committee

18
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,877
gets me extra credit for
my business ethics class.

19
00:00:43,909 --> 00:00:46,079
And the extra credit
gets me a passing grade.

20
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:47,613
Do you see where I'm going here?

21
00:00:47,646 --> 00:00:50,049
Apparently, not to class.

22
00:00:50,082 --> 00:00:54,688
Well, if you need a speaker, I know a
very intelligent and articulate teacher.

23
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,189
No, thanks.

24
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:58,357
We were hoping to get somebody famous.

25
00:00:58,390 --> 00:01:00,359
I was wondering if you would do it.

26
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:03,063
Well, being the face of
20 sporting-goods stores

27
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:05,632
does offer me a little bit of celebrity.

28
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:08,769
Well, it did get you free
biscuits at Red Lobster once.

29
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:10,471
Okay, sorry. Uh, I wasn't clear.

30
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,972
We tried to get someone famous...

31
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,442
Kanye, Beyoncé, Rihanna,

32
00:01:15,474 --> 00:01:18,811
that swimmer who lied
about getting mugged, uh...

33
00:01:18,844 --> 00:01:21,215
So, anyway, I'm out of options.

34
00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,417
Out of options? Stop the sweet talk.

35
00:01:25,317 --> 00:01:27,387
Listen, I got to let
the school know by today

36
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,088
so they can print the
programs for commencement.

37
00:01:29,121 --> 00:01:29,956
Please, will you do it?

38
00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:31,658
Uh...

39
00:01:31,691 --> 00:01:32,960
Of course. Anything for you.

40
00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:34,327
Thank you! You're the best.

41
00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:36,263
But I need a building named after me,

42
00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:39,633
and I want no colored
M&M's in my dressing room.

43
00:01:40,063 --> 00:01:42,563
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

44
00:01:46,472 --> 00:01:48,242
- Hi!
- Hey, honey.

45
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,144
What, did you miss your mother
or just the washing machine?

46
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:53,080
Don't answer that. Let me dream.

47
00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:54,981
I can't do laundry at Kristin's.

48
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:58,451
Ryan makes his own fabric softener, and
all my clothes smell like vinegar.

49
00:01:58,484 --> 00:02:01,487
Yeah. He gave me some of that.

50
00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:03,090
You know, it's actually
a decent salad dressing.

51
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,459
Hmm.

52
00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:08,795
So, how are things in the music biz?

53
00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:10,764
It sucks.

54
00:02:10,796 --> 00:02:13,332
My last audition I was at,
there were like 20 other singers

55
00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:14,968
and I didn't even get a chance to try out.

56
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,203
Oh.

57
00:02:16,235 --> 00:02:20,473
Even Bob Dylan had to sell shoes for
a year before he became Bob Dylan.

58
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:22,342
You totally just made that up, but thanks.

59
00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:25,679
Got a story about Lady Gaga doing
laundry at her parents' house?

60
00:02:25,711 --> 00:02:28,181
No, but I'll make you dinner.

61
00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:32,853
We're having lasagna and mixed
greens with Ryan's fabric softener.

62
00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:35,121
I can't. Cammy's coming to pick me up.

63
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,323
She's home from college for the week.

64
00:02:36,355 --> 00:02:37,456
Oh, wow.

65
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,893
I just can't picture Cammy in college.

66
00:02:39,925 --> 00:02:43,796
Actually, I can't even picture Cammy
anywhere that doesn't have unicorns.

67
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:44,865
I'm worried about her.

68
00:02:44,897 --> 00:02:46,832
She doesn't do too well on her own.

69
00:02:46,866 --> 00:02:48,835
I've always been around to
help her out when she's scared.

70
00:02:48,867 --> 00:02:52,371
Oh! Remember when you got her
over her fear of escalators?

71
00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:57,044
Yeah... she was afraid she'd get
stuck if there was a power outage.

72
00:02:57,076 --> 00:02:58,844
- What can I say? The kid needs me.
- Yeah.

73
00:02:58,877 --> 00:03:00,746
- Hi, Mrs. Baxter!
- Oh!

74
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,349
Your door was unlocked, and we're
practically family, so I let myself in.

75
00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:05,885
But if I've overstayed my welcome, I will
go back out there and ring the bell.

76
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:06,719
Your call.

77
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,560
Well, if it was my call, Cammy,
you never would have gone away.

78
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,393
Aww!

79
00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:15,828
Hey, Cammy!

80
00:03:15,861 --> 00:03:17,864
How's college? You holding up, champ?

81
00:03:17,896 --> 00:03:19,265
Honestly?

82
00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:20,901
I've heard the first
year is a little rough.

83
00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:22,169
It's awesome!

84
00:03:22,201 --> 00:03:24,237
Okay, I'm crushing all my classes.

85
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:26,205
I live in the co-ed dorm.

86
00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:29,009
Va-va voom!

87
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,177
Oh, and did I tell you I'm
playing intramural Frisbee golf?

88
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,946
You did, but I thought that was a joke.

89
00:03:34,546 --> 00:03:37,717
I don't joke about Frolf, okay?

90
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,019
Oh!

91
00:03:39,051 --> 00:03:41,587
Um, guess who's president of our dorm.

92
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,390
I don't know... Rudy Giuliani?

93
00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:45,725
That guy will do anything.

94
00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:47,026
No. It's me.

95
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,762
Look... they made me a hat.

96
00:03:48,794 --> 00:03:50,863
It says "El presidente."

97
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,769
I'm in the Spanish-speaking dorm.

98
00:03:55,801 --> 00:03:58,471
Wow. I always knew you
could rock a sombrero.

99
00:03:58,504 --> 00:03:59,805
- Yeah.
- Sounds like you're doing great.

100
00:03:59,838 --> 00:04:01,207
I am.

101
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,543
And what about you? I mean,
how's the music career going?

102
00:04:03,575 --> 00:04:04,977
I want to come to one of your gigs.

103
00:04:05,010 --> 00:04:07,146
Yeah, they're usually
super-packed, though.

104
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:09,483
- Yeah.
- Really hard to get into.

105
00:04:09,515 --> 00:04:11,651
Cause I'm pretty much... killing it, so...

106
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,986
Um, of course you are.

107
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:16,323
You're Eve Baxter, okay?

108
00:04:16,355 --> 00:04:18,225
The girl who could take on any escalator.

109
00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:19,992
Whew!

110
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:22,461
You know, I knew that you
would rock the face off Denver.

111
00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:24,831
Yeah. I-I mean, I don't
have a big record deal yet,

112
00:04:24,863 --> 00:04:28,234
but even Bob Dylan had to
sell shoes for a year, so...

113
00:04:32,137 --> 00:04:33,105
- Hi.
- Hey.

114
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:34,473
Um, I hate to rush you.

115
00:04:34,507 --> 00:04:36,810
I just wanted to see how
the speech was coming along.

116
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:38,578
Well, I hate to brag...

117
00:04:38,610 --> 00:04:39,779
Who am I kidding? I love to brag.

118
00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:40,913
Yeah.

119
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,081
It's fantastic, you know?

120
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,283
I work good under pressure.

121
00:04:43,315 --> 00:04:44,795
I'm kind of like Lincoln in that way.

122
00:04:44,817 --> 00:04:45,918
Mm.

123
00:04:45,951 --> 00:04:47,286
If he was so great, they wouldn't have

124
00:04:47,319 --> 00:04:49,079
killed him off at the
end of the first movie.

125
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:54,827
Um... do you want me to give you
some notes before you send it in?

126
00:04:54,860 --> 00:04:56,329
Why... Send it in? What do you mean?

127
00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:58,365
The faculty committee needs to approve it

128
00:04:58,398 --> 00:05:00,134
after they check for micro-aggressions.

129
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:02,536
Micro-aggressions?

130
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:05,639
You mean, like, midget warriors?

131
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:07,841
No. They're objectionable words or phrases.

132
00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:10,377
For instance, "midget warriors."

133
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,212
I know what micro-aggressions are.

134
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,614
It's the latest liberal
attack at free speech.

135
00:05:14,646 --> 00:05:17,050
And a lot of fun if you do them right.

136
00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:20,052
The university has a list of stuff
they don't allow speakers to say.

137
00:05:20,086 --> 00:05:21,455
You know, to protect the students.

138
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:24,124
From what, ideas?

139
00:05:24,156 --> 00:05:26,225
It's just the way that my
school does things, dad.

140
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,694
Please. My grade is riding on this.

141
00:05:27,726 --> 00:05:28,994
Fine!

142
00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:30,397
All right.

143
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,750
Just pretend like you introduced
me to thunderous applause.

144
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,801
Sure.

145
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,504
Some lady faints in the front row.

146
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,740
- "Ladies and gentlemen ..."
- Okay, stop.

147
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:40,841
No, they'll pick her up.

148
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,009
Come on, EMS. Get her out of here.

149
00:05:43,041 --> 00:05:46,479
No, uh, you can't say
"ladies and gentlemen,"

150
00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:49,582
because it excludes those
who don't identify as either.

151
00:05:52,017 --> 00:05:55,654
Hmm. But those are the only two choices.

152
00:05:55,687 --> 00:05:56,889
No, not anymore.

153
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,725
You just have to keep
it gender-neutral, okay?

154
00:05:58,757 --> 00:06:00,127
Please continue.

155
00:06:03,762 --> 00:06:04,630
"Hey, everybody."

156
00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:08,235
"America is the land of opportunity.

157
00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:10,069
- I stand before you as ..."
- Stop!

158
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:13,105
Okay, by saying that America's
the land of opportunity,

159
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,574
you are implying that everyone
has the same opportunities.

160
00:06:15,608 --> 00:06:19,079
I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.

161
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,747
If you live here and you
work hard, you can succeed.

162
00:06:20,779 --> 00:06:21,747
That's how this works.

163
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:24,016
Uh... yeah, that one's on here, too.

164
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:27,521
It hurts the feelings of those
who work hard and don't succeed.

165
00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:29,122
Give me that.

166
00:06:29,655 --> 00:06:32,095
Where's the list of stuff that
doesn't hurt people's feelings?

167
00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:35,060
That's got to be a short one.

168
00:06:35,093 --> 00:06:38,731
You have no idea how seriously
my school takes this stuff, dad.

169
00:06:38,764 --> 00:06:40,933
And remember the greater good here.

170
00:06:40,966 --> 00:06:43,903
You're helping me scam
my way to passing ethics.

171
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,071
This list is insane.

172
00:06:45,103 --> 00:06:48,040
If I go by these rules, I'll be going
against everything I believe in.

173
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,276
I know, but just for 15 minutes.

174
00:06:51,644 --> 00:06:53,747
- Thank you, Dad.
- No, no, no.

175
00:06:53,779 --> 00:06:56,816
Can't call me "Dad." What
if I identify as "Mom"?

176
00:07:02,624 --> 00:07:04,191
There he is... The Great Orator.

177
00:07:04,225 --> 00:07:05,360
Yeah.

178
00:07:05,393 --> 00:07:07,129
How's that commencement
speech going, Mikey?

179
00:07:07,162 --> 00:07:09,097
Terrible.

180
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:11,565
Mandy's college is one
of those safe spaces.

181
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,901
You have to conform,
or you're shouted down.

182
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,872
I believe Red China had a similar program.

183
00:07:16,905 --> 00:07:19,741
Except there was less
shouting and more shooting.

184
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,278
It's a list of stuff I'm not allowed to
say, 'cause I might offend somebody.

185
00:07:23,311 --> 00:07:27,215
If I went to the school, all
I'd be able to do is shrug.

186
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,050
A lot of schools are doing that now.

187
00:07:29,083 --> 00:07:31,486
But Cammy's school is pushing back.

188
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:34,956
They support open debate and told the
kids if they're easily offended,

189
00:07:34,989 --> 00:07:36,391
they should find a different college.

190
00:07:36,424 --> 00:07:39,595
Yeah, well, they headed over to the
college I'm giving the stupid speech at.

191
00:07:40,929 --> 00:07:42,831
It's a whole new world out there, Mikey.

192
00:07:42,864 --> 00:07:44,767
It's time to die.

193
00:07:49,304 --> 00:07:52,107
What am I supposed to say?

194
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:55,543
"Good evening,
carbon-based life-forms."

195
00:07:57,444 --> 00:08:00,781
"In business, it doesn't
matter if you succeed,

196
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,819
as long as you try... or don't try.

197
00:08:03,852 --> 00:08:05,654
However you feel.

198
00:08:05,687 --> 00:08:06,922
Namaste."

199
00:08:08,189 --> 00:08:11,960
Man, when did feelings become the
most important thing in the world?

200
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,296
When I was a kid, there were no feelings.

201
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,999
That was invented in the '50s by beatniks.

202
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,536
Kind of surprised you're
on my side about this.

203
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,170
Oh, absolutely, man.

204
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,372
They say they're fighting
subconscious racism.

205
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:26,841
Right.

206
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:30,377
But I wasn't aware we won
the war on conscious racism.

207
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,280
So excuse me if you get offended
when I call you a gentleman...

208
00:08:33,314 --> 00:08:35,016
- Yeah.
- ...but I've been called much worse.

209
00:08:35,049 --> 00:08:36,150
Right.

210
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,955
Maybe it is time I push back...

211
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:43,190
protect those kids from people
who are trying to protect them.

212
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,526
Yeah. Let Mike Baxter be Mike Baxter.

213
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:49,296
Maybe I'll open up with a Polish joke.

214
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,565
Do the one about the
bowling ball in the bathtub.

215
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:52,566
It's a classic.

216
00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:53,734
I love that one!

217
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,372
You know, Cammy's school is
one of those safe spaces, too.

218
00:08:57,405 --> 00:08:59,006
I just like messing with him.

219
00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:06,181
U-Uh, I don't want to do this.

220
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:07,715
I-I'm scared of heights.

221
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,550
Okay, well, that's why we're doing it.

222
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:12,720
Remember when you were afraid of horses
and I took you horseback riding?

223
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,588
Yeah. That was fun.

224
00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:17,192
Until I got off and Cinnamon
kicked me in the chest.

225
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,728
I... I got kicked in
the head by a horse once.

226
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:24,699
For a few weeks, I was
very good at the piano.

227
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:27,703
Look at that... another farm
accident with a happy ending.

228
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:32,339
Look, nothing will happen to you
if you just focus on my voice,

229
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,910
like when I said, "Don't
stand behind Cinnamon."

230
00:09:36,144 --> 00:09:37,946
Okay, I'll give it a try.

231
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,046
Yeah.

232
00:09:40,481 --> 00:09:42,350
Hey, you got nothing to worry about.

233
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:46,887
I mean, we've had little kids go up there
blind people, a 94-year-old woman.

234
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,089
That one didn't end well.

235
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,259
I should stop using it as an example.

236
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,228
Okay, you're doing great, Cammy.

237
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,362
Thanks.

238
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,266
I'm stuck.

239
00:09:58,299 --> 00:10:00,702
All right, well, you're
2 feet off the ground.

240
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:04,872
So, um, grab the yellow
hold with your left hand.

241
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:07,074
Okay, which one's yellow?

242
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,209
I can't see colors anymore!

243
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:10,878
- I'm gonna fall!
- Okay, just... just...

244
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:11,554
Nope, not that one.

245
00:10:11,585 --> 00:10:13,381
Hey, hey, hey, could you
guys, uh, keep it down?

246
00:10:13,414 --> 00:10:14,816
I know my restaurant's in
the middle of a gun store,

247
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,884
but I'm trying to create an ambience.

248
00:10:16,918 --> 00:10:18,787
Sorry. Cammy's stuck.

249
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,955
It's the 94-year-old
all over again.

250
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,157
Just take a deep breath, Cammy.

251
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:26,761
I can't! The air is too thin up here!

252
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:28,396
Okay. I... Okay.

253
00:10:28,429 --> 00:10:29,831
Just get me down, please!

254
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,333
Please get me down!

255
00:10:31,366 --> 00:10:32,534
Please!

256
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,237
Why did you make me do that?!

257
00:10:36,270 --> 00:10:39,674
Okay, well, first off, you didn't do it.

258
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:43,011
But if you had, you might have felt
like you accomplished something.

259
00:10:43,044 --> 00:10:45,313
I have accomplished plenty!

260
00:10:45,346 --> 00:10:47,582
Okay? I am presidente of my dorm.

261
00:10:47,615 --> 00:10:49,117
Adios!

262
00:10:50,785 --> 00:10:52,687
Presidente just stole a harness.

263
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:54,155
Cammy!

264
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:57,992
What is going on with you guys?

265
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:00,194
Even last night at the
house, it seemed weird.

266
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:03,831
It's her... I'm not the one making
all the friends and having fun.

267
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:07,434
Look, after high school, I
didn't see any of my friends.

268
00:11:07,468 --> 00:11:10,304
I felt embarrassed because they
were all off doing exciting stuff,

269
00:11:10,338 --> 00:11:13,341
while I was home, changing diapers.

270
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:16,643
But then I realized that
they weren't judging me.

271
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,012
Only I was.

272
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,985
I was judging you, too. And I was only 9.

273
00:11:27,889 --> 00:11:29,624
- Hey, babe?
- Yeah? Hey.

274
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,192
Got a sec? I want to run the
rewrite of my speech by you.

275
00:11:32,226 --> 00:11:35,864
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to hear what
the new P.C. Mike Baxter has to say.

276
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:37,297
Yeah.

277
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:40,701
Well, sounds a lot like the old Mike
Baxter, but drunk in a locker room.

278
00:11:43,337 --> 00:11:45,807
But I'll tell you, Mandy's
list was a good blueprint.

279
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,408
You mean of what not to say.

280
00:11:47,442 --> 00:11:49,578
Oh, no, I got them all in there. Sit.

281
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:52,513
All right, uh, okay.

282
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:55,482
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen...
and all of you on the fence."

283
00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:57,485
Oh, God.

284
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:00,521
"To quote future Nobel
Prize winner Lee Greenwood,

285
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,390
'I'm proud to be an American.'

286
00:12:02,423 --> 00:12:05,260
Not just because I have the right to
speak my mind or carry an awesome gun,

287
00:12:05,293 --> 00:12:07,996
but because it's the land of opportunity.

288
00:12:08,029 --> 00:12:10,498
Some whiny babies might not
think so, but in America,

289
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:12,900
if you work hard, anyone can be successful.

290
00:12:12,934 --> 00:12:15,370
Anyone. Any... one. Any one."

291
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,882
That goes on and on. I keep doing it.

292
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,540
All right, you know what?
Y-You cannot give that speech.

293
00:12:19,574 --> 00:12:21,309
You cannot... can not.

294
00:12:23,077 --> 00:12:24,546
It'll cause Mandy a lot of trouble.

295
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,948
With the thought police, who
have their panties in a bunch?

296
00:12:26,981 --> 00:12:28,415
And that's in there. Got that in.

297
00:12:28,449 --> 00:12:30,385
The thought police are never
gonna approve that speech.

298
00:12:30,418 --> 00:12:32,120
You know who else wouldn't approve
the speech they want me to give?

299
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,521
Me.

300
00:12:33,554 --> 00:12:37,159
And God, who I'm also not
allowed to mention, but I do.

301
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:43,131
Well, for the love of God, think
about this before you send it in.

302
00:12:43,164 --> 00:12:45,066
I think the problem is we're
thinking too much about this.

303
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,533
Time for action.

304
00:12:58,815 --> 00:13:00,484
You!

305
00:13:00,517 --> 00:13:04,087
You, you, you, you, you!

306
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:05,254
I like what you're saying so far.

307
00:13:05,288 --> 00:13:07,423
Okay.

308
00:13:07,456 --> 00:13:11,195
I just spent a brutal hour in
front of the faculty committee.

309
00:13:11,227 --> 00:13:14,096
Professor Moffat called
what you wrote a screed.

310
00:13:14,129 --> 00:13:16,966
He was so mad, he was making up words.

311
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,903
Well, he had to. He
banned all the good ones.

312
00:13:21,504 --> 00:13:24,508
If you don't change this,
they're not gonna let you speak.

313
00:13:24,541 --> 00:13:26,510
I'm not changing it.

314
00:13:26,543 --> 00:13:28,512
You know what?

315
00:13:28,544 --> 00:13:30,346
I'm gonna say something right
now I really don't want to,

316
00:13:30,379 --> 00:13:33,616
but I am so frustrated, I
just feel like I have to.

317
00:13:34,484 --> 00:13:36,019
Please.

318
00:13:38,187 --> 00:13:39,990
Mandy, I can't.

319
00:13:40,023 --> 00:13:41,725
Why are you fighting them on this?

320
00:13:41,758 --> 00:13:43,227
Why can't you just get along?

321
00:13:43,259 --> 00:13:47,063
Because committees who make up lists
like this aren't asking us to get along.

322
00:13:47,096 --> 00:13:48,798
They're telling us to go along.

323
00:13:48,831 --> 00:13:51,467
And I don't go along.

324
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:53,135
They're just words.

325
00:13:53,168 --> 00:13:55,706
Why can't you just change
a couple of words, Dad?

326
00:13:55,739 --> 00:13:57,374
Because they're the words to my story.

327
00:13:57,407 --> 00:13:59,309
Fine. It's your story.

328
00:13:59,341 --> 00:14:01,711
But it's not true for everyone.

329
00:14:01,745 --> 00:14:03,581
It's a different world out there now.

330
00:14:06,216 --> 00:14:07,851
Time to die.

331
00:14:16,558 --> 00:14:18,227
Hey.

332
00:14:18,260 --> 00:14:19,730
Hey.

333
00:14:19,763 --> 00:14:22,266
Thanks for coming. Wasn't sure you would.

334
00:14:22,298 --> 00:14:25,769
Well, I said I would... passive.

335
00:14:25,802 --> 00:14:29,406
But, uh, if you noticed, I am
two minutes late... aggressive.

336
00:14:31,374 --> 00:14:33,610
I'm taking psychology.

337
00:14:33,643 --> 00:14:35,245
Really?

338
00:14:35,278 --> 00:14:37,514
So, what do psychologists call it

339
00:14:37,547 --> 00:14:39,883
when you make a friend do
something they're scared of

340
00:14:39,916 --> 00:14:41,385
just to make yourself feel needed?

341
00:14:42,918 --> 00:14:45,389
I don't know. It's pretty
early in the semester.

342
00:14:46,956 --> 00:14:49,158
I'm sorry I made you climb the wall.

343
00:14:50,427 --> 00:14:54,730
It's just that you're
crushing it and... I'm not.

344
00:14:54,764 --> 00:14:57,033
What are you talking
about? You're doing awesome.

345
00:14:57,067 --> 00:14:58,769
I mean, you said you were doing gigs.

346
00:14:58,802 --> 00:15:02,072
This is my gig... outside a mall.

347
00:15:02,105 --> 00:15:07,376
I also have gigs outside a laundromat,
a grocery store, a pet shop.

348
00:15:07,409 --> 00:15:10,313
You want to feel bad about
yourself, get heckled by a parrot.

349
00:15:13,283 --> 00:15:17,220
I may be crushing it, but
college isn't that hard.

350
00:15:17,253 --> 00:15:19,489
I mean, I've got a meal plan and a dorm.

351
00:15:19,522 --> 00:15:22,225
I have an adviser who tells
me what classes to take.

352
00:15:22,258 --> 00:15:25,829
You're finding your own
way, and that's way harder.

353
00:15:25,861 --> 00:15:28,331
And it's also super-impressive.

354
00:15:28,365 --> 00:15:31,735
I'm singing in front of a trash can, Cammy.

355
00:15:31,768 --> 00:15:33,971
And people are paying to hear it.

356
00:15:34,004 --> 00:15:37,139
I mean, you've made $4.

357
00:15:37,173 --> 00:15:38,308
And a button!

358
00:15:39,609 --> 00:15:41,912
Pretty sure that's a tooth.

359
00:15:41,945 --> 00:15:45,415
You were there to support
me, and I got into college.

360
00:15:45,447 --> 00:15:48,985
So now I'm gonna support you, so one day,

361
00:15:49,019 --> 00:15:51,187
I'll be able to tell people
that I knew Eve Baxter

362
00:15:51,221 --> 00:15:53,724
when she was singing
in front of a trash can.

363
00:15:54,957 --> 00:15:58,661
Maybe keep that one under
your "El presidente" hat.

364
00:15:58,695 --> 00:16:00,797
Okay, you know what?

365
00:16:00,830 --> 00:16:04,033
I would like to hear a song.

366
00:16:05,802 --> 00:16:07,638
Really? A dollar?

367
00:16:09,004 --> 00:16:11,540
All right, sorry, sorry. Just kidding.

368
00:16:11,573 --> 00:16:13,342
Don't expect much of a crowd.

369
00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:16,846
Oh. It looks like someone
could use a little support.

370
00:16:16,879 --> 00:16:20,182
Hey! Everyone! Stay away!

371
00:16:20,216 --> 00:16:23,954
Okay, this girl is terrible!
She can't sing at all!

372
00:16:23,986 --> 00:16:26,155
Reverse psychology.

373
00:16:28,191 --> 00:16:29,893
Y-Yeah.

374
00:16:45,707 --> 00:16:49,545
W-W-What is this place,
and why are we here?

375
00:16:49,578 --> 00:16:51,414
Well, I've been trying to tell you my story

376
00:16:51,447 --> 00:16:54,884
over and over again, but you're not
listening, so I had no choice.

377
00:16:54,918 --> 00:16:57,721
All right, whatever you're planning,
Mom knows that I'm with you.

378
00:16:59,021 --> 00:16:59,822
Dad?

379
00:16:59,855 --> 00:17:01,057
Dad, I don't...

380
00:17:01,090 --> 00:17:02,192
I don't think you're allowed...

381
00:17:02,224 --> 00:17:03,092
Okay.

382
00:17:04,227 --> 00:17:06,730
Come on in.

383
00:17:06,762 --> 00:17:10,733
Welcome to the first
Rocky Mountain Subs Shop.

384
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:15,238
This is where Mrs. Jamali
started her sub sandwich empire.

385
00:17:15,270 --> 00:17:19,875
Wait... is that the Pakistani lady
who yells in those commercials?

386
00:17:19,909 --> 00:17:23,913
She opened the store about the same time
Ed and I opened the first Outdoor Man.

387
00:17:23,946 --> 00:17:25,548
So people ate food in this place?

388
00:17:27,282 --> 00:17:30,586
She worked 14 hours a day
to get this going, right?

389
00:17:30,619 --> 00:17:32,521
You think that made her a mean woman?

390
00:17:32,555 --> 00:17:36,192
You'd be right, 'cause she's
got quite a mouth on her.

391
00:17:36,226 --> 00:17:38,028
Okay. What's your point, Dad?

392
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:40,896
Well, now Mrs. Jamali's got 12 stores.

393
00:17:40,930 --> 00:17:42,432
I've got 20.

394
00:17:42,464 --> 00:17:46,036
And the only thing we have in common
is our willingness to bust our ass...

395
00:17:46,068 --> 00:17:50,039
and, of course, our
basic distrust of Russia.

396
00:17:50,073 --> 00:17:51,708
That makes two of you.

397
00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:53,910
But the truth is, there
are still plenty of people

398
00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:56,579
in this country who work
hard and they don't succeed.

399
00:17:56,613 --> 00:18:00,150
Okay, I could change the words,
but I can't change my message.

400
00:18:00,182 --> 00:18:04,721
I think in America, if you work hard, you
will succeed because that's my story.

401
00:18:04,753 --> 00:18:06,423
And that's her story.

402
00:18:06,455 --> 00:18:09,391
That's millions of other people's stories.

403
00:18:09,424 --> 00:18:11,560
And now they won't let you tell it.

404
00:18:11,594 --> 00:18:14,564
I know. And it's a shame.

405
00:18:14,596 --> 00:18:17,076
'Cause I think you should worry
less about who you might offend

406
00:18:17,099 --> 00:18:19,701
and care more about who you might inspire.

407
00:18:22,771 --> 00:18:26,976
She had her first dollar bill sitting
right up here by these decorative, um...

408
00:18:30,145 --> 00:18:32,281
Goodness gracious. It's bullet holes.

409
00:18:34,284 --> 00:18:36,286
See if the car's still there.

410
00:18:40,623 --> 00:18:41,924
Thank you.

411
00:18:41,958 --> 00:18:45,028
Yes, thank you, Professor
Quinn, for that, um, speech

412
00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:47,963
about your brave battle
against restless legs syndrome.

413
00:18:47,997 --> 00:18:50,100
Thank you.

414
00:18:50,133 --> 00:18:53,670
There is a change in the
program for our final speaker.

415
00:18:53,702 --> 00:18:56,772
It was going to be my father, Mike Baxter,

416
00:18:56,806 --> 00:19:00,177
but Mr. Baxter refused to comply
with the university guidelines.

417
00:19:02,744 --> 00:19:04,513
You'd like to call me a name, wouldn't you?

418
00:19:04,547 --> 00:19:07,217
But you can't. 'Cause I'm in a safe space.

419
00:19:08,851 --> 00:19:12,055
Those guidelines are
supposed to protect us.

420
00:19:12,087 --> 00:19:13,557
But from what?

421
00:19:13,589 --> 00:19:15,491
Ideas?

422
00:19:15,525 --> 00:19:17,294
My father never thought I was so fragile

423
00:19:17,326 --> 00:19:21,030
that he couldn't tell me what he
thinks, even when I disagree with him.

424
00:19:21,064 --> 00:19:23,400
Which I do.

425
00:19:23,432 --> 00:19:25,734
A lot.

426
00:19:25,768 --> 00:19:28,904
But we both agree that
everyone should be able

427
00:19:28,938 --> 00:19:32,142
to tell their story, even if
it might potentially offend.

428
00:19:32,174 --> 00:19:36,746
Look at our daughter... making
enemies, just like her dad.

429
00:19:36,778 --> 00:19:38,315
Who'd she get to replace you?

430
00:19:38,347 --> 00:19:40,015
That's the fun part.

431
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:43,886
And now our last speaker... Mariam Jamali.

432
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:48,592
Originally from Pakistan, she is the
founder of the Rocky Mountain Subs chain.

433
00:19:48,625 --> 00:19:50,894
So buckle up, 'cause she's
got quite the mouth on her.

434
00:19:59,103 --> 00:20:01,940
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

435
00:20:01,973 --> 00:20:03,775
I know, I know... the word "man"

436
00:20:03,808 --> 00:20:06,144
can be offensive to some people.

437
00:20:06,178 --> 00:20:10,615
And if you're a shut-in, the word
"outdoor" could be a trigger.

438
00:20:10,649 --> 00:20:13,252
Maybe I should declare it a safe zone

439
00:20:13,285 --> 00:20:17,656
and just say, "Hey, Mike
Baxter here for the store."

440
00:20:17,689 --> 00:20:22,594
No, because it's a safe bet any
progress has offended somebody.

441
00:20:22,626 --> 00:20:25,797
Thomas Jefferson wasn't worried about
hurting King George's feelings

442
00:20:25,831 --> 00:20:29,501
when he shoved the Declaration of
Independence right up his royal arse.

443
00:20:30,768 --> 00:20:34,573
And about 100 years later, a black
engineer named Elijah McCoy

444
00:20:34,605 --> 00:20:36,909
wasn't worried about offending bigots

445
00:20:36,941 --> 00:20:41,113
when he was first granted
one of his 57 patents.

446
00:20:41,145 --> 00:20:44,650
The McCoy lubricator kept the steam
engine oiled, greasing the rails

447
00:20:44,682 --> 00:20:48,921
for something open-minded
people like to call progress!

448
00:20:48,953 --> 00:20:51,356
Elvis Presley offended everybody.

449
00:20:51,390 --> 00:20:53,292
Black people were mad he stole their music.

450
00:20:53,325 --> 00:20:57,161
White people were mad 'cause he
brought them black people's music.

451
00:20:57,194 --> 00:21:00,631
Then everybody shut up
and just started dancing.

452
00:21:00,664 --> 00:21:04,635
If Elvis didn't offend people,
he would have been Pat Boone.

453
00:21:04,669 --> 00:21:07,305
And there are folks even
offended by Pat Boone.

454
00:21:07,338 --> 00:21:09,207
They're called the Taliban.

455
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,975
So you can be like them, or you can be like

456
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:13,711
Thomas Jefferson, Elijah
McCoy, and Elvis Presley.

457
00:21:13,745 --> 00:21:15,381
After all, this is a free country

458
00:21:15,413 --> 00:21:18,650
thanks to people who are
willing to give offense.

459
00:21:18,682 --> 00:21:21,820
So, anyway, two Polish
guys walk into a bar...