1
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,203
♪♪

2
00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:05,637
(Groans) Hey.

3
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:07,306
How was your day?

4
00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:08,941
You know that scene in "Jurassic Park"

5
00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:10,809
where the dinosaur finds
the guy stuck in the mud,

6
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:11,977
spits at him, then eats him?

7
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,645
Oof. That bad, huh?

8
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,015
No, that good. At work, I am the dinosaur.

9
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,351
Ah! Dad, I'm glad you're finally home.

10
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,552
I need your help.

11
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:22,488
Mandy, I... I've
been home. I can help.

12
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,857
Ohhh! That is so sweet, Mom!

13
00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:27,192
Yeah, but this has nothing
to do with science or wine.

14
00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:31,997
So, um, as you may have heard, I'm on
the committee to select the speaker

15
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:34,066
for the business school's
fall graduation next week.

16
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:36,668
Right. I think WikiLeaks already
spilled the beans on that.

17
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:37,903
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

18
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:40,039
Did I miss a year? You aren't graduating.

19
00:00:40,041 --> 00:00:42,508
No, I'm not, Mother, but
being on the committee

20
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,843
gets me extra credit for
my business ethics class.

21
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:47,046
And the extra credit
gets me a passing grade.

22
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,580
Do you see where I'm going here?

23
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:51,016
Apparently, not to class.

24
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:52,651
Well, if you need a speaker,

25
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:55,654
I know a very intelligent
and articulate teacher.

26
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,156
No, thanks.

27
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,324
We were hoping to get somebody famous.

28
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,326
I was wondering if you would do it.

29
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:04,029
Well, being the face of
20 sporting-goods stores

30
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,598
does offer me a little bit of celebrity.

31
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,735
Well, it did get you free
biscuits at Red Lobster once.

32
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,437
Okay, sorry. Uh, I wasn't clear.

33
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:13,939
We tried to get someone famous...

34
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:16,408
Kanye, Beyoncé, Rihanna,

35
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,778
that swimmer who lied
about getting mugged, uh...

36
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,181
So, anyway, I'm out of options.

37
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,383
Out of options? Stop the sweet talk.

38
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:26,251
(Laughs)

39
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:28,353
Listen, I got to let
the school know by today

40
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,055
so they can print the
programs for commencement.

41
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:30,923
Please, will you do it?

42
00:01:30,925 --> 00:01:33,926
Uh... Of course. Anything for you.

43
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:35,294
Thank you! You're the best.

44
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,229
But I need a building named after me,

45
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:40,599
and I want no colored
M&M's in my dressing room.

46
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,602
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addicted.com

47
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:47,406
♪♪

48
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,208
Hi! Hey, honey.

49
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,110
What, did you miss your mother
or just the washing machine?

50
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:54,046
(Chuckles) Don't
answer that. Let me dream.

51
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:55,948
I can't do laundry at Kristin's.

52
00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:59,418
Ryan makes his own fabric softener, and
all my clothes smell like vinegar.

53
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:02,454
Yeah. He gave me some of that.

54
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,056
You know, it's actually
a decent salad dressing.

55
00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:06,425
Hmm.

56
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:09,761
So, how are things in the music biz?

57
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,730
It sucks.

58
00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:14,299
My last audition I was at,
there were like 20 other singers

59
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,934
and I didn't even get a chance to try out.

60
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,169
Oh.

61
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:21,440
Even Bob Dylan had to sell shoes for
a year before he became Bob Dylan.

62
00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:23,308
You totally just made that up, but thanks.

63
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:26,645
Got a story about Lady Gaga doing
laundry at her parents' house?

64
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,148
(Laughs) No, but I'll make you dinner.

65
00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:33,819
We're having lasagna and mixed
greens with Ryan's fabric softener.

66
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,088
I can't. Cammy's coming to pick me up.

67
00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:37,289
She's home from college for the week.

68
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,423
Oh, wow.

69
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,859
I just can't picture Cammy in college.

70
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:44,763
Actually, I can't even picture Cammy
anywhere that doesn't have unicorns.

71
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:45,831
I'm worried about her.

72
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,799
She doesn't do too well on her own.

73
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,801
I've always been around to
help her out when she's scared.

74
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:53,338
Oh! Remember when you got her
over her fear of escalators?

75
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:58,010
Yeah... she was afraid she'd get
stuck if there was a power outage.

76
00:02:58,012 --> 00:02:59,811
What can I say? The kid needs me. Yeah.

77
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,713
Hi, Mrs. Baxter! Oh!

78
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:04,316
Your door was unlocked, and we're
practically family, so I let myself in.

79
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,852
But if I've overstayed my welcome, I will
go back out there and ring the bell.

80
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:07,719
Your call.

81
00:03:09,043 --> 00:03:11,523
Well, if it was my call, Cammy,
you never would have gone away.

82
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,392
Aww!

83
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:15,561
(Squeals)

84
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:16,795
Hey, Cammy!

85
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,830
How's college? You holding up, champ?

86
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,232
Honestly?

87
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,867
I've heard the first
year is a little rough.

88
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,135
It's awesome!

89
00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:25,204
Okay, I'm crushing all my classes.

90
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,172
I live in the co-ed dorm.

91
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:29,975
Va-va voom! (Chuckles)

92
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:32,144
Oh, and did I tell you I'm
playing intramural Frisbee golf?

93
00:03:32,146 --> 00:03:33,912
You did, but I thought that was a joke.

94
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,480
(Chuckles)

95
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:38,684
I don't joke about Frolf, okay?

96
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:39,985
Oh!

97
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:42,554
Um, guess who's president of our dorm.

98
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,356
I don't know...
Rudy Giuliani?

99
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:46,692
That guy will do anything.

100
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:47,993
No. It's me.

101
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,728
Look... they
made me a hat.

102
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,830
It says "El presidente."

103
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,732
(Chuckles)

104
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,735
I'm in the Spanish-speaking dorm.

105
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,438
Wow. I always knew you
could rock a sombrero.

106
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,772
(Laughs) Yeah. Sounds
like you're doing great.

107
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,174
I am.

108
00:04:02,176 --> 00:04:04,509
And what about you? I mean,
how's the music career going?

109
00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:05,944
I want to come to one of your gigs.

110
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:08,113
Yeah, they're usually
super-packed, though.

111
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:10,449
Yeah. Really hard to get into.

112
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:14,953
Cause I'm pretty much... killing it, so...
Um, of course you are.

113
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,289
You're Eve Baxter, okay?

114
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:19,191
The girl who could take on any escalator.

115
00:04:19,193 --> 00:04:20,959
Whew!

116
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,428
You know, I knew that you
would rock the face off Denver.

117
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,797
Yeah. I-I mean, I don't
have a big record deal yet,

118
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:29,201
but even Bob Dylan had to
sell shoes for a year, so...

119
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:33,071
♪♪

120
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:34,072
Hi. Hey.

121
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,440
Um, I hate to rush you.

122
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,776
I just wanted to see how
the speech was coming along.

123
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,544
Well, I hate to brag...

124
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:40,746
Who am I kidding? I love to brag.

125
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:41,880
Yeah.

126
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,048
It's fantastic, you know?

127
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,249
I work good under pressure.

128
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:45,751
I'm kind of like Lincoln in that way.

129
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:46,885
Mm.

130
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,253
If he was so great, they wouldn't have

131
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:50,015
killed him off at the
end of the first movie.

132
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:55,794
Um... do you want me to give you
some notes before you send it in?

133
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,296
Why... Send it in?
What do you mean?

134
00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:59,331
The faculty committee needs to approve it

135
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:01,133
after they check for micro-aggressions.

136
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:03,502
Micro-aggressions?

137
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:06,605
You mean, like, midget warriors?

138
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,807
No. They're objectionable words or phrases.

139
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,343
For instance, "midget warriors."

140
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:13,178
I know what micro-aggressions are.

141
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,580
It's the latest liberal
attack at free speech.

142
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:18,016
And a lot of fun if you do them right.

143
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:21,019
The university has a list of stuff
they don't allow speakers to say.

144
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,421
You know, to protect the students.

145
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,090
From what, ideas?

146
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:27,192
It's just the way that my
school does things, dad.

147
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:28,660
Please. My grade is riding on this.

148
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:29,961
Fine!

149
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:31,363
All right.

150
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,699
Just pretend like you introduced
me to thunderous applause.

151
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,767
Sure.

152
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:39,471
Some lady faints in the front row.

153
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:40,706
"Ladies and gentlemen
..." Okay, stop.

154
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:41,807
No, they'll pick her up.

155
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:43,975
Come on, EMs. Get her out of here.

156
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:47,446
No, uh, you can't say
"ladies and gentlemen,"

157
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:50,582
because it excludes those
who don't identify as either.

158
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:56,621
Hmm. But those are the only two choices.

159
00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:57,856
No, not anymore.

160
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,691
You just have to keep
it gender-neutral, okay?

161
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,126
Please continue.

162
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:05,630
"Hey, everybody."

163
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,201
"America is the land of opportunity.

164
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,036
I stand before
you as ..." Stop!

165
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,072
Okay, by saying that America's
the land of opportunity,

166
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:16,541
you are implying that everyone
has the same opportunities.

167
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:20,045
I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.

168
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,713
If you live here and you
work hard, you can succeed.

169
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:22,714
That's how this works.

170
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,983
Uh... yeah, that one's on here, too.

171
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:28,487
It hurts the feelings of those
who work hard and don't succeed.

172
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,122
Give me that.

173
00:06:30,618 --> 00:06:33,058
Where's the list of stuff that
doesn't hurt people's feelings?

174
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:36,027
That's got to be a short one.

175
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:39,698
You have no idea how seriously
my school takes this stuff, dad.

176
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,900
And remember the greater good here.

177
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,870
You're helping me scam
my way to passing ethics.

178
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,037
This list is insane.

179
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:49,007
If I go by these rules, I'll be going
against everything I believe in.

180
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,276
I know, but just for 15 minutes.

181
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,713
Thank you, Dad. No, no, no.

182
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:57,783
Can't call me "Dad." What
if I identify as "Mom"?

183
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,484
♪♪

184
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,257
♪♪

185
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,858
There he is...
The Great Orator.

186
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,026
Yeah.

187
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,795
How's that commencement
speech going, Mikey?

188
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:11,763
Terrible.

189
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,232
Mandy's college is one
of those safe spaces.

190
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,568
You have to conform,
or you're shouted down.

191
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:19,538
I believe Red China had a similar program.

192
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,407
Except there was less
shouting and more shooting.

193
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:25,944
It's a list of stuff I'm not allowed to
say, 'cause I might offend somebody.

194
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:29,881
If I went to the school, all
I'd be able to do is shrug.

195
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,716
A lot of schools are doing that now.

196
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:34,152
But Cammy's school is pushing back.

197
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:37,622
They support open debate and told the
kids if they're easily offended,

198
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,057
they should find a different college.

199
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:42,294
Yeah, well, they headed over to the
college I'm giving the stupid speech at.

200
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,497
It's a whole new world out there, Mikey.

201
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,466
It's time to die.

202
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,773
What am I supposed to say?

203
00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:58,243
"Good evening,
carbon-based life-forms."

204
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,448
"In business, it doesn't
matter if you succeed,

205
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:06,485
as long as you try
...or don't try.

206
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:08,320
However you feel.

207
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,588
Namaste."

208
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:10,822
(Laughs)

209
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:14,626
Man, when did feelings become the
most important thing in the world?

210
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,963
When I was a kid, there were no feelings.

211
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,699
That was invented in the '50s by beatniks.

212
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,202
Kind of surprised you're
on my side about this.

213
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,837
Oh, absolutely, man.

214
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,039
They say they're fighting
subconscious racism.

215
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,508
Right.

216
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:33,044
But I wasn't aware we won
the war on conscious racism.

217
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:35,947
So excuse me if you get offended
when I call you a gentleman...

218
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,682
Yeah... but I've been called much worse.

219
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,850
Right.

220
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,622
Maybe it is time I push back...

221
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,857
protect those kids from people
who are trying to protect them.

222
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,193
Yeah. Let Mike Baxter be Mike Baxter.

223
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:51,963
Maybe I'll open up with a Polish joke.

224
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,232
Do the one about the
bowling ball in the bathtub.

225
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,233
It's a classic.

226
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,434
I love that one!

227
00:08:56,436 --> 00:09:00,038
You know, Cammy's school is
one of those safe spaces, too.

228
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,706
I just like messing with him.

229
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:06,845
♪♪

230
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,847
U-Uh, I don't want to do this.

231
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:10,382
I-I'm scared of heights.

232
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,217
Okay, well, that's why we're doing it.

233
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,387
Remember when you were afraid of horses
and I took you horseback riding?

234
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,255
Yeah. That was fun.

235
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,858
Until I got off and Cinnamon
kicked me in the chest.

236
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:23,395
I... I got kicked in
the head by a horse once.

237
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:27,365
For a few weeks, I was
very good at the piano.

238
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,402
Look at that... another farm
accident with a happy ending.

239
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:35,006
Look, nothing will happen to you
if you just focus on my voice,

240
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,609
like when I said, "Don't
stand behind Cinnamon."

241
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:40,612
Okay, I'll give it a try.

242
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:41,746
Yeah.

243
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,016
Hey, you got nothing to worry about.

244
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:49,554
I mean, we've had little kids go up there
blind people, a 94-year-old woman.

245
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,756
That one didn't end well.

246
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,959
I should stop using it as an example.

247
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,895
Okay, you're doing great, Cammy.

248
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,029
Thanks.

249
00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,230
(Breathing heavily)

250
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,932
I'm stuck.

251
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,368
All right, well, you're
2 feet off the ground.

252
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:07,539
So, um, grab the yellow
hold with your left hand.

253
00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:09,741
Okay, which one's yellow?

254
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,876
I can't see colors anymore!

255
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,545
I'm gonna fall!
Okay, just... just...

256
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:16,047
Nope, not that one. Hey, hey, hey,
could you guys, uh, keep it down?

257
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,482
I know my restaurant's in
the middle of a gun store,

258
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:19,551
but I'm trying to create an ambience.

259
00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:21,453
Sorry. Cammy's stuck.

260
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,622
It's the 94-year-old
all over again.

261
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,824
Just take a deep breath, Cammy.

262
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:29,427
I can't! The air is too thin up here!

263
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,062
Okay. I... Okay. [
Breathing heavily)

264
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,497
Just get me down, please!

265
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,999
(Crying) Please get me down!

266
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,233
Please!

267
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:38,903
Why did you make me do that?!

268
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:42,340
Okay, well, first off, you didn't do it.

269
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:45,677
But if you had, you might have felt
like you accomplished something.

270
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,979
I have accomplished plenty!

271
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,248
Okay? I am presidente of my dorm.

272
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,816
Adios!

273
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,353
Presidente just stole a harness.

274
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,855
Cammy!

275
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,659
What is going on with you guys?

276
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,861
Even last night at the
house, it seemed weird.

277
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:06,531
It's her... I'm not the one making
all the friends and having fun.

278
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,101
Look, after high school, I
didn't see any of my friends.

279
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,971
I felt embarrassed because they
were all off doing exciting stuff,

280
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:16,007
while I was home, changing diapers.

281
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:19,310
But then I realized that
they weren't judging me.

282
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:20,712
Only I was.

283
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:27,652
I was judging you, too. And I was only 9.

284
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,522
♪♪

285
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,290
Hey, babe? Yeah? Hey.

286
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,859
Got a sec? I want to run the
rewrite of my speech by you.

287
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:38,530
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to hear what
the new P.C. Mike Baxter has to say.

288
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:39,964
Yeah. (Laughs)

289
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:43,401
Well, sounds a lot like the old Mike
Baxter, but drunk in a locker room.

290
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:48,473
But I'll tell you, Mandy's
list was a good blueprint.

291
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,075
You mean of what not to say.

292
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:52,277
Oh, no, I got them all in there. Sit.

293
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,180
All right, uh, okay.

294
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:58,149
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen...
and all of you on the fence."

295
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,151
Oh, God.

296
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:03,188
"To quote future Nobel
Prize winner Lee Greenwood,

297
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,056
'I'm proud to be an American.'

298
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,926
Not just because I have the right to
speak my mind or carry an awesome gun,

299
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,662
but because it's the land of opportunity.

300
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:13,164
Some whiny babies might not
think so, but in America,

301
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,567
if you work hard,
anyone can be successful.

302
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:18,036
Anyone. Any... one. Any one."

303
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,537
That goes on and on. I keep doing it.

304
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:22,207
All right, you know what?
Y-You cannot give that speech.

305
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,008
You cannot
...can not.

306
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,212
It'll cause Mandy a lot of trouble.

307
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,614
With the thought police, who
have their panties in a bunch?

308
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,082
And that's in there. Got that in.

309
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,051
The thought police are never
gonna approve that speech.

310
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:34,786
You know who else wouldn't approve
the speech they want me to give?

311
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,187
Me.

312
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:39,858
And God, who I'm also not
allowed to mention, but I do.

313
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:45,797
Well, for the love of God, think
about this before you send it in.

314
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,732
I think the problem is we're
thinking too much about this.

315
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:49,200
Time for action.

316
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,969
(Tablet whooshes)

317
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:56,274
♪♪

318
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:03,748
♪♪

319
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,450
You!

320
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:09,053
You, you, you, you, you!

321
00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:10,221
I like what you're saying so far.

322
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:12,390
Okay.

323
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:16,161
I just spent a brutal hour in
front of the faculty committee.

324
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:19,063
Professor Moffat called
what you wrote a screed.

325
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,933
He was so mad, he was making up words.

326
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,902
Well, he had to. He
banned all the good ones.

327
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:29,474
If you don't change this,
they're not gonna let you speak.

328
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,476
I'm not changing it.

329
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,478
You know what?

330
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,313
I'm gonna say something right
now I really don't want to,

331
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,583
but I am so frustrated, I
just feel like I have to.

332
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:39,417
(Inhales deeply)

333
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,019
Please.

334
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:44,956
Mandy, I can't.

335
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,691
Why are you fighting them on this?

336
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:48,193
Why can't you just get along?

337
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:52,030
Because committees who make up lists
like this aren't asking us to get along.

338
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,765
They're telling us to go along.

339
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:56,434
And I don't go along.

340
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,102
They're just words.

341
00:13:58,104 --> 00:14:00,672
Why can't you just change
a couple of words, Dad?

342
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,340
Because they're the words to my story.

343
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,275
Fine. It's your story.

344
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:06,678
But it's not true for everyone.

345
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,580
It's a different world out there now.

346
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:12,851
Time to die.

347
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:17,188
♪♪

348
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,390
(Guitar tuning)

349
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,194
Hey.

350
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,696
Hey.

351
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:27,232
Thanks for coming. Wasn't sure you would.

352
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:30,735
Well, I said I
would... passive.

353
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,037
But, uh, if you noticed,
I am two minutes late...

354
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,405
aggressive.

355
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,576
I'm taking psychology.

356
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,211
Really?

357
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,480
So, what do psychologists call it

358
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:44,849
when you make a friend do
something they're scared of

359
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:46,384
just to make yourself feel needed?

360
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:50,388
I don't know. It's pretty
early in the semester.

361
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,158
I'm sorry I made you climb the wall.

362
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:59,697
It's just that you're
crushing it and... I'm not.

363
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:02,000
What are you talking
about? You're doing awesome.

364
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,735
I mean, you said you were doing gigs.

365
00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:07,038
This is my gig
...outside a mall.

366
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:12,343
I also have gigs outside a laundromat,
a grocery store, a pet shop.

367
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:15,313
You want to feel bad about
yourself, get heckled by a parrot.

368
00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:22,186
I may be crushing it, but
college isn't that hard.

369
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:24,455
I mean, I've got a meal plan and a dorm.

370
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:27,191
I have an adviser who tells
me what classes to take.

371
00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:30,795
You're finding your own
way, and that's way harder.

372
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:33,298
And it's also super-impressive.

373
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:36,701
I'm singing in front of a trash can, Cammy.

374
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,937
And people are paying to hear it.

375
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:42,106
I mean, you've made $4.

376
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,308
And a button!

377
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:46,878
Pretty sure that's a tooth.

378
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,381
You were there to support
me, and I got into college.

379
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:53,952
So now I'm gonna support you, so one day,

380
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:56,154
I'll be able to tell people
that I knew Eve Baxter

381
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,723
when she was singing
in front of a trash can.

382
00:15:59,893 --> 00:16:03,628
Maybe keep that one under
your "El presidente" hat.

383
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,763
(Sighs) Okay, you know what?

384
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:09,033
I would like to hear a song.

385
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,637
Really? A dollar?

386
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:16,507
All right, sorry, sorry. Just kidding.

387
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,309
Don't expect much of a crowd.

388
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,813
Oh. It looks like someone
could use a little support.

389
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:25,149
Hey! Everyone! Stay away!

390
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:28,920
Okay, this girl is terrible!
She can't sing at all!

391
00:16:28,922 --> 00:16:31,122
Reverse psychology.

392
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:33,124
(Mid-tempo music plays)

393
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:34,892
Y-Yeah.

394
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,506
♪♪

395
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:54,512
W-W-What is this place,
and why are we here?

396
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,381
Well, I've been trying to tell you my story

397
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,851
over and over again, but you're not
listening, so I had no choice.

398
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:02,720
All right, whatever you're planning,
Mom knows that I'm with you.

399
00:17:03,957 --> 00:17:04,789
Dad?

400
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,024
Dad, I don't...

401
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,158
I don't think you're allowed...

402
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,092
Okay.

403
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,696
Come on in.

404
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:15,700
Welcome to the first
Rocky Mountain Subs Shop.

405
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:20,204
This is where Mrs. Jamali
started her sub sandwich empire.

406
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:24,842
Wait... is that the Pakistani lady
who yells in those commercials?

407
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,377
She opened the store about the same time

408
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,880
Ed and I opened the first Outdoor Man.

409
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,515
So people ate food in this place?

410
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,216
(Chuckles)

411
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,553
She worked 14 hours a day
to get this going, right?

412
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,488
You think that made her a mean woman?

413
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:41,159
You'd be right, 'cause she's
got quite a mouth on her.

414
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:42,994
Okay. What's your point, Dad?

415
00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:45,863
Well, now Mrs. Jamali's got 12 stores.

416
00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,398
I've got 20.

417
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:51,002
And the only thing we have in common
is our willingness to bust our ass...

418
00:17:51,004 --> 00:17:55,006
and, of course, our
basic distrust of Russia.

419
00:17:55,008 --> 00:17:56,674
That makes two of you.

420
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,876
But the truth is, there
are still plenty of people

421
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:01,546
in this country who work
hard and they don't succeed.

422
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:05,116
Okay, I could change the words,
but I can't change my message.

423
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:07,018
I think in America, if you work hard,

424
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:09,687
you will succeed because that's my story.

425
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,389
And that's her story.

426
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:14,358
That's millions of other people's stories.

427
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,527
And now they won't let you tell it.

428
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:19,530
I know. And it's a shame.

429
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,033
'Cause I think you should worry
less about who you might offend

430
00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:23,734
and care more about who you might inspire.

431
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:30,041
She had her first dollar
bill sitting right up here

432
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:31,976
by these decorative, um...

433
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,248
Goodness gracious. It's bullet holes.

434
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:39,217
(Siren wailing)

435
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:41,252
See if the car's still there.

436
00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:41,754
♪♪

437
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:46,891
Thank you.

438
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:49,994
Yes, thank you, Professor
Quinn, for that, um, speech

439
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:52,930
about your brave battle
against restless legs syndrome.

440
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:55,066
Thank you.

441
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:58,636
There is a change in the
program for our final speaker.

442
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,739
It was going to be my father, Mike Baxter,

443
00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:05,176
but Mr. Baxter refused to comply
with the university guidelines.

444
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,480
You'd like to call me a name, wouldn't you?

445
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,216
But you can't. 'Cause I'm in a safe space.

446
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:17,021
Those guidelines are
supposed to protect us.

447
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:18,523
But from what?

448
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,458
Ideas?

449
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,260
My father never thought I was so fragile

450
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:25,997
that he couldn't tell me what he
thinks, even when I disagree with him.

451
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:28,366
Which I do.

452
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,701
A lot.

453
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:33,871
But we both agree that
everyone should be able

454
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:37,108
to tell their story, even if
it might potentially offend.

455
00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:41,712
Look at our daughter... making
enemies, just like her dad.

456
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,281
Who'd she get to replace you?

457
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:44,982
That's the fun part.

458
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:48,853
And now our last
speaker... Mariam Jamali.

459
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:51,189
Originally from Pakistan,
she is the founder

460
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:53,558
of the Rocky Mountain Subs chain.

461
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,893
So buckle up, 'cause she's
got quite the mouth on her.

462
00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:00,097
♪♪

463
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,337
♪♪

464
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:09,207
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

465
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,042
I know, I know
...the word "man"

466
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,411
can be offensive to some people.

467
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:17,882
And if you're a shut-in, the word
"outdoor" could be a trigger.

468
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,518
Maybe I should declare it a safe zone

469
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:24,922
and just say, "Hey, Mike
Baxter here for the store."

470
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:29,860
No, because it's a safe bet any
progress has offended somebody.

471
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:33,064
Thomas Jefferson wasn't worried about
hurting King George's feelings

472
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:36,801
when he shoved the Declaration of
Independence right up his royal arse.

473
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:41,839
And about 100 years later, a black
engineer named Elijah McCoy

474
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:44,175
wasn't worried about offending bigots

475
00:20:44,177 --> 00:20:48,379
when he was first granted
one of his 57 patents.

476
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:51,916
The McCoy lubricator kept the steam
engine oiled, greasing the rails

477
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:56,187
for something open-minded
people like to call progress!

478
00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:58,623
Elvis Presley offended everybody.

479
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:00,558
Black people were mad he stole their music.

480
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,428
White people were mad 'cause he
brought them black people's music.

481
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:07,898
Then everybody shut up
and just started dancing.

482
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:11,902
If Elvis didn't offend people,
he would have been Pat Boone.

483
00:21:11,904 --> 00:21:14,572
And there are folks even
offended by Pat Boone.

484
00:21:14,574 --> 00:21:16,474
They're called the Taliban.

485
00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:18,242
So you can be like them, or you can be like

486
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:20,978
Thomas Jefferson, Elijah
McCoy, and Elvis Presley.

487
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,647
After all, this is a free country

488
00:21:22,649 --> 00:21:25,916
thanks to people who are
willing to give offense.

489
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:29,120
So, anyway, two Polish
guys walk into a bar...