♪♪
(Groans) Hey.
How was your day?
You know that scene in "Jurassic Park"
where the dinosaur finds the guy stuck in the mud,
spits at him, then eats him?
Oof. That bad, huh?
No, that good. At work, I am the dinosaur.
Ah! Dad, I'm glad you're finally home.
I need your help.
Mandy, I... I've been home. I can help.
Ohhh! That is so sweet, Mom!
Yeah, but this has nothing to do with science or wine.
So, um, as you may have heard, I'm on the committee to select the speaker
for the business school's fall graduation next week.
Right. I think WikiLeaks already spilled the beans on that.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Did I miss a year? You aren't graduating.
No, I'm not, Mother, but being on the committee
gets me extra credit for my business ethics class.
And the extra credit gets me a passing grade.
Do you see where I'm going here?
Apparently, not to class.
Well, if you need a speaker,
I know a very intelligent and articulate teacher.
No, thanks.
We were hoping to get somebody famous.
I was wondering if you would do it.
Well, being the face of 20 sporting-goods stores
does offer me a little bit of celebrity.
Well, it did get you free biscuits at Red Lobster once.
Okay, sorry. Uh, I wasn't clear.
We tried to get someone famous...
Kanye, Beyoncé, Rihanna,
that swimmer who lied about getting mugged, uh...
So, anyway, I'm out of options.
Out of options? Stop the sweet talk.
(Laughs)
Listen, I got to let the school know by today
so they can print the programs for commencement.
Please, will you do it?
Uh... Of course. Anything for you.
Thank you! You're the best.
But I need a building named after me,
and I want no colored M&M's in my dressing room.
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addicted.com
♪♪
Hi! Hey, honey.
What, did you miss your mother or just the washing machine?
(Chuckles) Don't answer that. Let me dream.
I can't do laundry at Kristin's.
Ryan makes his own fabric softener, and all my clothes smell like vinegar.
Yeah. He gave me some of that.
You know, it's actually a decent salad dressing.
Hmm.
So, how are things in the music biz?
It sucks.
My last audition I was at, there were like 20 other singers
and I didn't even get a chance to try out.
Oh.
Even Bob Dylan had to sell shoes for a year before he became Bob Dylan.
You totally just made that up, but thanks.
Got a story about Lady Gaga doing laundry at her parents' house?
(Laughs) No, but I'll make you dinner.
We're having lasagna and mixed greens with Ryan's fabric softener.
I can't. Cammy's coming to pick me up.
She's home from college for the week.
Oh, wow.
I just can't picture Cammy in college.
Actually, I can't even picture Cammy anywhere that doesn't have unicorns.
I'm worried about her.
She doesn't do too well on her own.
I've always been around to help her out when she's scared.
Oh! Remember when you got her over her fear of escalators?
Yeah... she was afraid she'd get stuck if there was a power outage.
What can I say? The kid needs me. Yeah.
Hi, Mrs. Baxter! Oh!
Your door was unlocked, and we're practically family, so I let myself in.
But if I've overstayed my welcome, I will go back out there and ring the bell.
Your call.
Well, if it was my call, Cammy, you never would have gone away.
Aww!
(Squeals)
Hey, Cammy!
How's college? You holding up, champ?
Honestly?
I've heard the first year is a little rough.
It's awesome!
Okay, I'm crushing all my classes.
I live in the co-ed dorm.
Va-va voom! (Chuckles)
Oh, and did I tell you I'm playing intramural Frisbee golf?
You did, but I thought that was a joke.
(Chuckles)
I don't joke about Frolf, okay?
Oh!
Um, guess who's president of our dorm.
I don't know... Rudy Giuliani?
That guy will do anything.
No. It's me.
Look... they made me a hat.
It says "El presidente."
(Chuckles)
I'm in the Spanish-speaking dorm.
Wow. I always knew you could rock a sombrero.
(Laughs) Yeah. Sounds like you're doing great.
I am.
And what about you? I mean, how's the music career going?
I want to come to one of your gigs.
Yeah, they're usually super-packed, though.
Yeah. Really hard to get into.
Cause I'm pretty much... killing it, so... Um, of course you are.
You're Eve Baxter, okay?
The girl who could take on any escalator.
Whew!
You know, I knew that you would rock the face off Denver.
Yeah. I-I mean, I don't have a big record deal yet,
but even Bob Dylan had to sell shoes for a year, so...
♪♪
Hi. Hey.
Um, I hate to rush you.
I just wanted to see how the speech was coming along.
Well, I hate to brag...
Who am I kidding? I love to brag.
Yeah.
It's fantastic, you know?
I work good under pressure.
I'm kind of like Lincoln in that way.
Mm.
If he was so great, they wouldn't have
killed him off at the end of the first movie.
Um... do you want me to give you some notes before you send it in?
Why... Send it in? What do you mean?
The faculty committee needs to approve it
after they check for micro-aggressions.
Micro-aggressions?
You mean, like, midget warriors?
No. They're objectionable words or phrases.
For instance, "midget warriors."
I know what micro-aggressions are.
It's the latest liberal attack at free speech.
And a lot of fun if you do them right.
The university has a list of stuff they don't allow speakers to say.
You know, to protect the students.
From what, ideas?
It's just the way that my school does things, dad.
Please. My grade is riding on this.
Fine!
All right.
Just pretend like you introduced me to thunderous applause.
Sure.
Some lady faints in the front row.
"Ladies and gentlemen ..." Okay, stop.
No, they'll pick her up.
Come on, EMs. Get her out of here.
No, uh, you can't say "ladies and gentlemen,"
because it excludes those who don't identify as either.
Hmm. But those are the only two choices.
No, not anymore.
You just have to keep it gender-neutral, okay?
Please continue.
"Hey, everybody."
"America is the land of opportunity.
I stand before you as ..." Stop!
Okay, by saying that America's the land of opportunity,
you are implying that everyone has the same opportunities.
I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.
If you live here and you work hard, you can succeed.
That's how this works.
Uh... yeah, that one's on here, too.
It hurts the feelings of those who work hard and don't succeed.
Give me that.
Where's the list of stuff that doesn't hurt people's feelings?
That's got to be a short one.
You have no idea how seriously my school takes this stuff, dad.
And remember the greater good here.
You're helping me scam my way to passing ethics.
This list is insane.
If I go by these rules, I'll be going against everything I believe in.
I know, but just for 15 minutes.
Thank you, Dad. No, no, no.
Can't call me "Dad." What if I identify as "Mom"?
♪♪
There he is... The Great Orator.
Yeah.
How's that commencement speech going, Mikey?
Terrible.
Mandy's college is one of those safe spaces.
You have to conform, or you're shouted down.
I believe Red China had a similar program.
Except there was less shouting and more shooting.
It's a list of stuff I'm not allowed to say, 'cause I might offend somebody.
If I went to the school, all I'd be able to do is shrug.
A lot of schools are doing that now.
But Cammy's school is pushing back.
They support open debate and told the kids if they're easily offended,
they should find a different college.
Yeah, well, they headed over to the college I'm giving the stupid speech at.
It's a whole new world out there, Mikey.
It's time to die.
What am I supposed to say?
"Good evening, carbon-based life-forms."
"In business, it doesn't matter if you succeed,
as long as you try ...or don't try.
However you feel.
Namaste."
(Laughs)
Man, when did feelings become the most important thing in the world?
When I was a kid, there were no feelings.
That was invented in the '50s by beatniks.
Kind of surprised you're on my side about this.
Oh, absolutely, man.
They say they're fighting subconscious racism.
Right.
But I wasn't aware we won the war on conscious racism.
So excuse me if you get offended when I call you a gentleman...
Yeah... but I've been called much worse.
Right.
Maybe it is time I push back...
protect those kids from people who are trying to protect them.
Yeah. Let Mike Baxter be Mike Baxter.
Maybe I'll open up with a Polish joke.
Do the one about the bowling ball in the bathtub.
It's a classic.
I love that one!
You know, Cammy's school is one of those safe spaces, too.
I just like messing with him.
♪♪
U-Uh, I don't want to do this.
I-I'm scared of heights.
Okay, well, that's why we're doing it.
Remember when you were afraid of horses and I took you horseback riding?
Yeah. That was fun.
Until I got off and Cinnamon kicked me in the chest.
I... I got kicked in the head by a horse once.
For a few weeks, I was very good at the piano.
Look at that... another farm accident with a happy ending.
Look, nothing will happen to you if you just focus on my voice,
like when I said, "Don't stand behind Cinnamon."
Okay, I'll give it a try.
Yeah.
Hey, you got nothing to worry about.
I mean, we've had little kids go up there blind people, a 94-year-old woman.
That one didn't end well.
I should stop using it as an example.
Okay, you're doing great, Cammy.
Thanks.
(Breathing heavily)
I'm stuck.
All right, well, you're 2 feet off the ground.
So, um, grab the yellow hold with your left hand.
Okay, which one's yellow?
I can't see colors anymore!
I'm gonna fall! Okay, just... just...
Nope, not that one. Hey, hey, hey, could you guys, uh, keep it down?
I know my restaurant's in the middle of a gun store,
but I'm trying to create an ambience.
Sorry. Cammy's stuck.
It's the 94-year-old all over again.
Just take a deep breath, Cammy.
I can't! The air is too thin up here!
Okay. I... Okay. [ Breathing heavily)
Just get me down, please!
(Crying) Please get me down!
Please!
Why did you make me do that?!
Okay, well, first off, you didn't do it.
But if you had, you might have felt like you accomplished something.
I have accomplished plenty!
Okay? I am presidente of my dorm.
Adios!
Presidente just stole a harness.
Cammy!
What is going on with you guys?
Even last night at the house, it seemed weird.
It's her... I'm not the one making all the friends and having fun.
Look, after high school, I didn't see any of my friends.
I felt embarrassed because they were all off doing exciting stuff,
while I was home, changing diapers.
But then I realized that they weren't judging me.
Only I was.
I was judging you, too. And I was only 9.
♪♪
Hey, babe? Yeah? Hey.
Got a sec? I want to run the rewrite of my speech by you.
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to hear what the new P.C. Mike Baxter has to say.
Yeah. (Laughs)
Well, sounds a lot like the old Mike Baxter, but drunk in a locker room.
But I'll tell you, Mandy's list was a good blueprint.
You mean of what not to say.
Oh, no, I got them all in there. Sit.
All right, uh, okay.
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen... and all of you on the fence."
Oh, God.
"To quote future Nobel Prize winner Lee Greenwood,
'I'm proud to be an American.'
Not just because I have the right to speak my mind or carry an awesome gun,
but because it's the land of opportunity.
Some whiny babies might not think so, but in America,
if you work hard, anyone can be successful.
Anyone. Any... one. Any one."
That goes on and on. I keep doing it.
All right, you know what? Y-You cannot give that speech.
You cannot ...can not.
It'll cause Mandy a lot of trouble.
With the thought police, who have their panties in a bunch?
And that's in there. Got that in.
The thought police are never gonna approve that speech.
You know who else wouldn't approve the speech they want me to give?
Me.
And God, who I'm also not allowed to mention, but I do.
Well, for the love of God, think about this before you send it in.
I think the problem is we're thinking too much about this.
Time for action.
(Tablet whooshes)
♪♪
You!
You, you, you, you, you!
I like what you're saying so far.
Okay.
I just spent a brutal hour in front of the faculty committee.
Professor Moffat called what you wrote a screed.
He was so mad, he was making up words.
Well, he had to. He banned all the good ones.
If you don't change this, they're not gonna let you speak.
I'm not changing it.
You know what?
I'm gonna say something right now I really don't want to,
but I am so frustrated, I just feel like I have to.
(Inhales deeply)
Please.
Mandy, I can't.
Why are you fighting them on this?
Why can't you just get along?
Because committees who make up lists like this aren't asking us to get along.
They're telling us to go along.
And I don't go along.
They're just words.
Why can't you just change a couple of words, Dad?
Because they're the words to my story.
Fine. It's your story.
But it's not true for everyone.
It's a different world out there now.
Time to die.
♪♪
(Guitar tuning)
Hey.
Thanks for coming. Wasn't sure you would.
Well, I said I would... passive.
But, uh, if you noticed, I am two minutes late...
aggressive.
I'm taking psychology.
Really?
So, what do psychologists call it
when you make a friend do something they're scared of
just to make yourself feel needed?
I don't know. It's pretty early in the semester.
I'm sorry I made you climb the wall.
It's just that you're crushing it and... I'm not.
What are you talking about? You're doing awesome.
I mean, you said you were doing gigs.
This is my gig ...outside a mall.
I also have gigs outside a laundromat, a grocery store, a pet shop.
You want to feel bad about yourself, get heckled by a parrot.
I may be crushing it, but college isn't that hard.
I mean, I've got a meal plan and a dorm.
I have an adviser who tells me what classes to take.
You're finding your own way, and that's way harder.
And it's also super-impressive.
I'm singing in front of a trash can, Cammy.
And people are paying to hear it.
I mean, you've made $4.
And a button!
Pretty sure that's a tooth.
You were there to support me, and I got into college.
So now I'm gonna support you, so one day,
I'll be able to tell people that I knew Eve Baxter
when she was singing in front of a trash can.
Maybe keep that one under your "El presidente" hat.
(Sighs) Okay, you know what?
I would like to hear a song.
Really? A dollar?
All right, sorry, sorry. Just kidding.
Don't expect much of a crowd.
Oh. It looks like someone could use a little support.
Hey! Everyone! Stay away!
Okay, this girl is terrible! She can't sing at all!
Reverse psychology.
(Mid-tempo music plays)
Y-Yeah.
♪♪
W-W-What is this place, and why are we here?
Well, I've been trying to tell you my story
over and over again, but you're not listening, so I had no choice.
All right, whatever you're planning, Mom knows that I'm with you.
Dad?
Dad, I don't...
I don't think you're allowed...
Okay.
Come on in.
Welcome to the first Rocky Mountain Subs Shop.
This is where Mrs. Jamali started her sub sandwich empire.
Wait... is that the Pakistani lady who yells in those commercials?
She opened the store about the same time
Ed and I opened the first Outdoor Man.
So people ate food in this place?
(Chuckles)
She worked 14 hours a day to get this going, right?
You think that made her a mean woman?
You'd be right, 'cause she's got quite a mouth on her.
Okay. What's your point, Dad?
Well, now Mrs. Jamali's got 12 stores.
I've got 20.
And the only thing we have in common is our willingness to bust our ass...
and, of course, our basic distrust of Russia.
That makes two of you.
But the truth is, there are still plenty of people
in this country who work hard and they don't succeed.
Okay, I could change the words, but I can't change my message.
I think in America, if you work hard,
you will succeed because that's my story.
And that's her story.
That's millions of other people's stories.
And now they won't let you tell it.
I know. And it's a shame.
'Cause I think you should worry less about who you might offend
and care more about who you might inspire.
She had her first dollar bill sitting right up here
by these decorative, um...
Goodness gracious. It's bullet holes.
(Siren wailing)
See if the car's still there.
♪♪
Thank you.
Yes, thank you, Professor Quinn, for that, um, speech
about your brave battle against restless legs syndrome.
Thank you.
There is a change in the program for our final speaker.
It was going to be my father, Mike Baxter,
but Mr. Baxter refused to comply with the university guidelines.
You'd like to call me a name, wouldn't you?
But you can't. 'Cause I'm in a safe space.
Those guidelines are supposed to protect us.
But from what?
Ideas?
My father never thought I was so fragile
that he couldn't tell me what he thinks, even when I disagree with him.
Which I do.
A lot.
But we both agree that everyone should be able
to tell their story, even if it might potentially offend.
Look at our daughter... making enemies, just like her dad.
Who'd she get to replace you?
That's the fun part.
And now our last speaker... Mariam Jamali.
Originally from Pakistan, she is the founder
of the Rocky Mountain Subs chain.
So buckle up, 'cause she's got quite the mouth on her.
♪♪
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
I know, I know ...the word "man"
can be offensive to some people.
And if you're a shut-in, the word "outdoor" could be a trigger.
Maybe I should declare it a safe zone
and just say, "Hey, Mike Baxter here for the store."
No, because it's a safe bet any progress has offended somebody.
Thomas Jefferson wasn't worried about hurting King George's feelings
when he shoved the Declaration of Independence right up his royal arse.
And about 100 years later, a black engineer named Elijah McCoy
wasn't worried about offending bigots
when he was first granted one of his 57 patents.
The McCoy lubricator kept the steam engine oiled, greasing the rails
for something open-minded people like to call progress!
Elvis Presley offended everybody.
Black people were mad he stole their music.
White people were mad 'cause he brought them black people's music.
Then everybody shut up and just started dancing.
If Elvis didn't offend people, he would have been Pat Boone.
And there are folks even offended by Pat Boone.
They're called the Taliban.
So you can be like them, or you can be like
Thomas Jefferson, Elijah McCoy, and Elvis Presley.
After all, this is a free country
thanks to people who are willing to give offense.
So, anyway, two Polish guys walk into a bar...