I got a plan for Baal.
I'm going to find him, take my chainsaw,
shove it right up his ass.
The book,
it did something to me.
It feels like something inside of me that's trying to come out.
Pablo, you're our only hope of stopping Baal.
Hey, quit fucking around.
Find the spell we need to send this asshole home.
- You slayed that shit. - You did it, Pablo!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I know what you're all saying.
Ash Williams, saved everybody.
Yep, probably going to have a statue made,
and a parade in my honor.
You know what?
I'd give it all up,
just to have my little Mexican buddy back.
Oh, my, my Honduran-Mexican buddy back.
Here's to you. Oh, yeah.
Nothing helps, does it?
Of course, you don't answer. Whoops.
Because you're dead!
This is bullshit.
Pablo didn't have to die.
- I should've saved him. - You couldn't have.
It was the only way.
Everybody dies.
Yeah, easy for you to say.
Pablo's entire lifespan measured about a second,
- compared to yours. - Didn't he make that second count?
In defeating Baal, he achieved more than I did in thousands of years.
Oh man, you can really taste the angel dust.
Ah, but no matter how baked I get,
you're still gone, buddy.
Man, I wish I could just go back in time, and undo all this.
So just do it.
- Hey. - Hey.
"Do it?" Do what?
If you could go back in time,
and change one moment in your life,
what would it be?
Oh, no brainer.
The moment I picked up the stupid book at the cabin.
So just change it.
Make sure you never, ever pick up that book.
Like ever.
That's a good one.
How?
Do exactly what you said.
Go back in time, and undo all this.
Of course! I've done it before.
- I went to the Middle Ages. - Yeah.
And I can go back in time, change history,
fix all this, and you'll be alive again, Pablo.
Get in the car!
Okay, I need you to read this, right now.
Absolutely not.
- Too risky. - Read it.
Ash, even if it works, we could damage so much more than we can fix.
Hey guys, can you stop speaking in code,
and tell me what the fuck you're talking about?
I'll do you one better. I'll show you.
Ash, you're upset.
You should not be behind the wheel of a car.
Yes, I'm upset.
Yes, I'm behind the wheel.
Yes, I'm drunk.
And maybe my license isn't the fancy kind from the DMV.
But at least I'm drunk!
Now you better read that spell right now,
or we're all going to meet Pablo!
Ash, stop the fucking car!
Just do what he says! He's thinking even less than usual!
She's doing it! Stop the fucking car!
She's reading it!
Not until she's done!
Linda, I'm going to fix everything, and come back for you!
Hey, if Linda didn't hear that, could someone please tell her?!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
Car wash!
What the actual fuck?
Welcome to the 80s, kid.
We're in the 80s?
As in the 1980s?
1982. Come on, Kelly. Keep up.
But... how?
There are infinite timelines,
and always a primary "present" you,
which remains constant, but the Necronomicon...
- Boring. - I'd like the explanation.
Okay look, if young me never reads from that book,
then evil will not plague my life,
and Pablo will be alive again.
That's all you have to understand.
- He's right. - Course I am.
Wait a minute.
My dad's around here.
I got to see the old bird.
Don't you dare.
That kind of interaction could cause profound causality paradoxes.
Think about it.
I know the sports scores for 30 years.
- No. - Jeez.
Okay, so, now that we've time travelled,
we just go back to the cabin to snatch the book
before young Ash can read from it.
And that's all we do. Got it?
I'm just saying this is the year the Lions got in the playoffs
with a losing record.
We can make some serious scratch.
No.
Wow.
Wh-where, where...
- Oh. - How-how...
Don't worry about it, pal. Here you go.
That'll help you forget that you just saw a car
drive through a time portal from the future.
No, no, I can't drink.
- My family has a history... - Come on. One little nip.
Your life will be exactly the same.
Come on. Let's change history.
Ha!
Come on. Come on.
Out of the way, Safety Boy!
Whoa!
Hey!
Now don't you worry, my little burrito.
You'll be safe in this trunk while we change history,
and bring you back to life.
Kelly, got the letter I wrote?
"Don't panic. It's 1982.
"We're in the cabin.
"If your..."
no apostrophe... "reading this, you're not dead.
"P.S., you were dead."
Perfect.
- All right. - Dude, how are you smiling?
- Pablo's dead. - Because this is temporary.
Because I came up with a sweet plan to get him back?
As sweet as your plan that got him killed in the first place?
Hey, that plan worked.
We defeated Baal.
And this plan's going to...
No.
I haven't been to the cabin yet.
I haven't read from the book.
This can't be happening.
Apparently it can.
Run!
Still got it.
Oh, hell.
My evil mistress in the woods.
This is going to be our last tango.
And this time,
you're going to follow my lead, biotch.
Okay, book, book, book.
Who's got the...
Wait a minute.
I thought it was here.
Or did I find it in the cellar?
With Scott...?
Oh!
Oh, you.
Okay, Ash. It's just a stupid nail.
Stay focused.
I'm checking you last.
Ash!
I swear, he's like a superhero,
whose special power is "ruining everything."
As much as it pains me to say it,
he's proven himself to be inexplicably "effective."
I'm guessing that English is your second or third language
next to Sumerian, or she-devil or whatever...
but that's not effectiveness.
It's called dumb luck.
Oh.
There's got to be a better way.
Yeah.
Kind of like an evil snake bite.
Oh.
Too salty.
Get out!
Ooh!
Oh.
Time to spice up your life, huh?!
You like it hot?!
Ow!
Soup's on!
Whoa!
Fuck you, Ash! Fuck you!
Fuck you, motherfucker!
Hey, little guy.
How do you like your eggs?
Scrambled?!
Yeah.
All right.
Who's next?! Who's next?!
Hello?
Is somebody out there?
Please! Help me!
Please!
I'm trapped!
Incredible.
We didn't even make it to the cabin
before Ash's brilliant plan freaked the toaster.
You know once we destroy the book,
you don't have to follow him anymore.
You can forge your own path.
Who says I'm not already forging?
I make my own choices, okay?
I could forge the shit out of my path,
- if I wanted to. - I don't doubt it.
Whoever's following us, come out now,
or I start spraying!
Let's keep going, huh?
Who's there?
Please. Help.
Who is that?
He's chained me up, and he won't let me go.
Who chained you up?
I said who chained you up?
My husband. He's going to kill me.
Oh, Jesus!
Henrietta.
How do I know you?
We've met before.
Uh actually, not yet. Not for you, anyway.
Please let me go.
My husband, he's found some...
Book of the Dead,
and... I don't know, it's...
- changed him somehow. - Where's the book now?
I have no idea, I'm chained to the damn wall!
I can help you find it.
Please, let me go, before he kills us both.
There's a key there, on the table.
Please!
How dare you.
Hiding inside a little old lady.
You must take me for a grade A chump!
What are you doing?
Listen up, cupcake.
I'm from the future,
so all of your Deadite mumbo jumbo isn't new to me.
You can pop now,
you can pop later, I don't give a rat's ass.
All I care about is that book,
and you're going to tell me where it is,
- right now! - Ow!
Stop! You're worse than my husband!
I can do this all day, sugar lips.
It's him.
Welcome to my cabin in the woods.
It is.
It's really nice.
Looks like he's got a hot little number on the side, too.
Good for him.
- Uh, I mean, uh, men are such pigs. - This can be yours.
He's going to torture her, just like he tortured me.
Professor Knowby, I can't thank you enough for the extra credit.
You're a good student.
You deserve it.
Now, your roommates aren't going to be worried about you,
being away for the weekend?
Oh, well, I live alone.
I had a cat, but it just ran away for absolutely no reason.
So, it's really just me.
More time to focus on your work.
Uh, it's just the wind.
Now, before we start these translations, there's...
just something I need you to help me with.
Please, there's no time.
- The key! - No.
Not until I know where that book is.
- Now spill. - Unlock me first.
Not a chance.
He always keeps it with him, so the book is here now.
Just let me go, and I'll show you!
Please! I'm not whatever you think I am!
Please... don't let him hurt me again.
Down here.
- Down. - Down there?
Right.
Gosh, it's cold.
You'll forgive the darkness.
And the dirt.
And the cobwebs.
Maybe we should head back upstairs?
Where there's more... light?
Tanya, I'm sorry.
I fear I may have deceived you.
You're not really here to help me translate.
What do you mean, Professor?
Wh-why am I here?
For something much more important.
What the fu...
Fuck!
Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry.
Does it hurt?
Can I offer you some Ibuprofen?
What?! Yes, it fucking hurts!
Truly, I can't apologize enough.
This really is my only option.
Jesus... you were right.
Guy's a dick.
And he's going to kill her too.
We need to stop him.
Why are you doing this?!
I have no choice.
On my last expedition, I found the Necronomicon.
I became obsessed with its power.
It called to me...
overtook me.
Please... he's a monster.
So, I read from the book,
and summoned the Kandarian Demon.
It was magnificent.
Unlike anything I've ever seen.
Okay, I got this. Go hide.
Okay.
Until it possessed my wife, Henrietta.
That's why she's chained up down here.
You got to be kidding me.
Nothing else worked.
Maybe I can find a way to get the demon out of her,
and into you.
That lying old witch.
Oh, no.
You brought us home a third!
How naughty of you!
What?
The book, it's just been opened.
I'm going to stomp you a new mud hole to suck out your soul!
I should've slapped you harder!
Ah! Ruby, help!
Kelly!
Ha!
That chin of yours is an easy target!
Yeah? Now it's my turn, jelly belly.
Help me!
Please! Please! Can you get me out of here!?
Help! Let go!
Stab it in its eye!
The good news is, now I can add "Demonic Tree"
to the list of things that have tried to murder me since I met Ash.
Could have been worse. Let's go find him.
Okay! Hey, hey!
Listen to me!
Shouting is not going to loosen the trap.
You got to stop!
Okay, thank you.
Now looks like you're stuck in there pretty good.
Good news is, if we have to amputate to get you out,
I'm your guy.
It may not seem like it, but this is your lucky day.
My name is Ash Williams.
I'm a hero from the future.
I'm here to save the world from evil.
Again.
I'm Tanya.
I'm a student from Wisconsin.
I was here to help the professor with his book.
Stupid Necronomicon!
Jeez, I'm sorry.
That thing has been a festering boil on my ass
for most of my adult life.
But it ends today. Believe that.
Yep, working on it.
Give me a break, I got one hand!
Jesus!
Ash, stop!
I can't!
Let go!
I'm stuck!
- Stuck! - Oh!
Tanya, stop the Professor!
Don't let him take that book!
Bye-bye, dear.
Let's have some fun!
Why wait?
- Ah! - Huh?!
You call that fun?
Professor! Professor! Please!
I'm sorry, Tanya.
Please!
I'm not normally like this, I swear!
Oh, you're a fucking asshole!
He's locked the door!
Knowby! You open this goddamn door!
Get back here!
Boo! I see you!
You're both dirty birds.
And I'm going to hurt you,
real, real...
bad.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com