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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,844
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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And now,
the Game Show Network presents,
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00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:41,140
Are We Talking About Jake
Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto?
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"I am oily-haired with
dinner-plate eyes."
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"I was in that one movie
about the weirdo."
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"I somehow look both
deathly ill and ripped."
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"I am a less successful
version of Tobey Maguire."
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Anyone? No?
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"You would totally believe any
story about me being a dick."
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I'm changing the channel.
I like both of them.
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Peter, did you see this?
20
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It says here that
Carter Pewterschmidt
21
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,936
has bought the
Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.
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Now what's that?
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It's where you work, Peter.
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Why the hell would Daddy
buy the brewery?
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Well, there's children in the
room... watch your swearing...
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But apparently, he's looking
to diversify his holdings.
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Wow, Dad. I guess that means
Grandpa's your new boss.
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Ah, crap.
I don't want to work for him.
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I'd rather work
for Doctor Frankenstein.
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Igor, I did it!
Hold on.
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You discovered the power
to create new life,
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and you created a guy?
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So I should've made a woman so
I could have sex with a corpse?
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I don't know, man.
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You just shouldn't
have made a guy.
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All right, now that
I'm in charge of this brewery,
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there's gonna be some changes
around here.
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For one thing, no more T-shirts
or dungarees in the work place.
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Dungarees are jeans!
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Griffin? What are
you doing here?
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I... I work here.
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You do? No way!
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Oh, this is gonna be fun.
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Effective immediately,
you're the guy at the office
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with a weird ski tan, but
you can't talk about it.
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Hey, what, did you go
skiing this weekend?
47
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I'm not allowed
to talk about it.
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♪ Dog driving a car. ♪
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Aw, damn it.
50
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Morning, Brian.
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I'm afraid you ran a red light.
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Your license please.
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Ugh. I swear, Joe,
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the light was still gray
when I went through it.
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Mm-hmm. Are you aware
this is expired?
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What?
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Brian, step out of the vehicle.
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Wha-Wha... What?
What's going on?
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Well, the law's clear.
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I have to confiscate
your license,
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and you're gonna
have to walk home.
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Well, can't you at least
give me a ride?
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00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,972
No can do, amigo.
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00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:56,074
Ugh. All right, I guess
I'll just call an Uber.
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00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,948
Are you Brian?
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00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:09,188
Ah, Griffin, there you are.
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I've decided that
as your new boss,
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I'm gonna require you to
have a standing desk.
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Aw, but I'll look
like such an ass!
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And that's not all.
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You got to constantly
tell everybody
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00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:21,500
what a good idea it is,
and how important it is,
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00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,835
and how wrong they are
for having traditional desks.
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Can't I just work at it
and mind my own business?
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No, you have to be
a freak about it.
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Maybe it can just be
my own personal choice,
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and-and I'm not judging
others for their choices.
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No. You being right means
everyone else is wrong.
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That's what your standing desk
is saying to the chair people.
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From now on,
you call them "chair people."
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Oh, and three times
a day you have to say,
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"Sitting is the biggest killer
in America."
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Good night, Peter.
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Good night,
gender-transitioned co-worker
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we had a whole meeting about.
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00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:05,043
Mr. Pewterschmidt, what
you're ordering is illegal.
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I don't care about that.
88
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:09,081
I want our beer cans made from
the cheapest material possible.
89
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,683
But sir... What about those metal
toilets where prisoners make wine?
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00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,085
Use those.
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00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:16,255
But sir, if word got out
about this, it'd be one
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of the most notorious
developments in beer history,
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second only to Michelob Ultra
Dragon Fruit Peach.
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00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:32,437
Peter, are you sure you heard
Mr. Pewterschmidt correctly?
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00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,774
He actually said
he wanted cheap, toxic materials
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inserted into the brewery's
supply stream?
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00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,745
Well, his eyes looked different
98
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,780
how he said it,
but that was the gist.
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00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,116
Also, some of the brewery
workers say very hurtful things
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if a co-worker wears shorts.
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Follow the money.
102
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:48,887
Mr. Griffin, it sounds like
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you've brought me
an interesting story.
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What should I do with it, Ollie?
105
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Make it news!
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00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,994
Ah, you got a standing desk,
too?
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Sitting's bad!
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I know. They don't want
to hear it, though.
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00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,972
Sir, there's
a reporter here to see you.
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00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,408
Is it Kermit the Frog
when he's wearing a trench coat?
111
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,143
That tells you he's a reporter.
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00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:27,492
Sir, an anonymous whistleblower
in the brewery says
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00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,095
you've personally ordered
the sourcing of cut-rate,
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00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,097
potentially toxic
canning materials.
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God, you're gorgeous.
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Mr. Pewterschmidt, I remind you,
this is on the record.
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You ever been with a man
who's got a prostate
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the size of a beefsteak tomato?
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00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:53,952
Oh, crap, it's Carter!
120
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,954
I bet he's mad
I told the news about him.
121
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I'll just do what Superman does.
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Oh, hey, Carter.
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Hello, citizen.
Have you seen Peter?
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Aw, he was just here!
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00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,032
Daddy, what's this about?
126
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,700
Did Peter screw something up
at work?
127
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,802
No, I'm here because
I've got important news.
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00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,505
Lois, everyone,
I've left your mother,
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00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,574
and Tricia Takanawa
is moving in with me.
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Holy crap!
What?!
131
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I wanted you to know.
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I'm in love!
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Well, good for you
for being honest, Carter.
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It's never good
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to keep something
that matters to you a secret.
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00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,919
Tell her about the surf camp
in Belize, Peter.
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00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,554
Tell her you're going.
138
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,423
Tell her it's your dream,
and you deserve it.
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00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,191
Tell her
it'll make you a better father.
140
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,593
What's that, Peter?
141
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,728
Ah, nothing.
Just something stupid.
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00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:58,049
You're leaving Babs
for Tricia Takanawa?!
143
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:00,018
And I've never been happier!
144
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,887
What about Mom?
Where is Mom?
145
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:04,256
The sanitarium.
The sanitarium?!
146
00:07:04,258 --> 00:07:06,258
Yeah. I told her
I was leaving her,
147
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:08,059
and she freaked out
for no reason.
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00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,762
And I'll tell you, I don't know
why they call it a "sanitarium."
149
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,230
That place is
a filthy hell hole.
150
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:14,232
Oh, my God!
That's awful!
151
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:17,068
Sorry. What'd you say?
I was texting Tricia.
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00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,104
She just sent me
a picture of her smoothie.
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00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:22,307
"Looks good, babe."
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00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,612
All right, class,
let's get started.
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00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:28,914
Stewie, what are you doing?
156
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,482
And why are you dressed
like that?
157
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,818
Because I'm your driver's
ed instructor, Brian.
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00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:33,919
You're what?
That's right.
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00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,320
I heard you lost your license,
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and I'm gonna help
you get it back.
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Uh... okay.
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00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,125
Now, we've got a lot to cover.
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00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,093
But first,
let's watch a safety video
164
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:45,363
designed to terrorize you into
being a responsible motorist.
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00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,071
Come on,
kid with a bright future.
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00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:55,474
I'll give you
a no-seatbelt car ride
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00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:58,109
after this teen kegger party.
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00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,110
I don't know.
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00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,979
I'm going
to Harvard-Yale tomorrow.
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00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:03,615
I'd hate to lose it all
because of making poor choices.
171
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:06,952
Ah, come on, man. I just had
a couple of alcohol beers.
172
00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:09,855
And I'm his girlfriend
'cause he has great genitals.
173
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:12,023
And I'm impressed
with reckless behavior,
174
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:15,527
so I'm going to reward him with
my mouth while he's driving.
175
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,963
Now let's smoke
a marijuana cigarette
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00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:19,998
while I'm speeding
because of a dare.
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00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,801
Hey, careful. I'd hate
for you to be unresponsive
178
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:26,471
to my pleasuring while you're
driving because of intoxication.
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00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:27,939
Stewie, is this about anything
180
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,174
but oral stuff while
you're driving?
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00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,343
It's about all facets
of driving safety, yes.
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00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,677
I'm gonna fast-forward.
183
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,984
What a waste.
184
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,286
I'm a grizzled,
seen-it-all veteran cop,
185
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:44,055
and I'm shaking my head
at the senseless waste.
186
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,057
Sir, we've done
our police tests.
187
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,792
The driver was being
mouth-pleased
188
00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:49,761
at the moment of impact.
189
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,799
♪ ♪
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00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,803
Lois! Fat Ass!
191
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:01,873
Family, I want you to
meet Tricia Takanawa.
192
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:05,010
Hello, everyone.
So happy you came.
193
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,411
Yup, food's on the table,
194
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,046
and if anyone needs
some dirty underpants,
195
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,648
the vending machine's
right over there.
196
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,016
How nice.
197
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:12,584
Right where my mother's
China cabinet used to be.
198
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:15,220
Lois, can I please have a dollar
for the vending machine?
199
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,188
No, Peter.
I'm getting our coats.
200
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,957
We're leaving.
201
00:09:23,497 --> 00:09:25,196
No! Bill too crinkly!
202
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,265
Try again!
203
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:29,935
Bill too crinkly!
204
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,937
You dollar funny!
205
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:34,005
This must be
so difficult for you.
206
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:36,107
It is. There's a lot
of choices here.
207
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,043
But I ain't talking to you.
208
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,512
I thought you were supposed to
be doing a news story on Carter,
209
00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:42,080
not shacking up with him.
210
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,382
The truth is all I ever wanted
211
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,518
was to some day have
a family of my own.
212
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,955
And I realized Carter
could give me all of that.
213
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,456
A family all your own?
214
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,692
Yes. A family just like this,
215
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:56,795
in fact, with a fine son
just like you, Peter.
216
00:09:56,797 --> 00:10:00,532
A son to whom I could one day
give a piece of sour plum candy.
217
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,301
Thank you, Mama Tricia!
218
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:06,271
But a lazy son
who does not make me proud?
219
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:09,708
Peter, that son
deserves no candy.
220
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:12,978
I swear, Mama Tricia,
221
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,313
I'm gonna make you the
proudest Tiger Mom of all!
222
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:18,149
Not like how Jesus
feels about his kid.
223
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,385
Dad, I got bullied at school!
224
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:21,920
They flipped up my lunch tray!
225
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,488
Oh, that sucks.
226
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,123
I wonder if that's
the worst thing
227
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,225
that ever happened to a guy?
228
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,461
Whoa. Whoa!
229
00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,062
Billy, this guy
in this book here...
230
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,798
He's really getting
the business... yikes!
231
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,301
Okay, I'm sorry. What
happened at school today?
232
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,169
You're kind of a dick, Dad.
233
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:40,505
Huh. I wonder if
there's anyone in here
234
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:42,273
whose dad was a bigger dick.
235
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:45,143
Wow! Crazy!
236
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,449
Uh, Mom, why is Dad
over there playing chess
237
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:52,951
with Tricia Takanawa?
238
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:55,086
Because, Chris,
your idiot father
239
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,988
thinks she's his new
"Tiger Mom,"
240
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,790
and he's trying to impress her.
241
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,860
All right, Peter, it's time
to master the game of chess.
242
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,361
Okay, that shouldn't be
too hard.
243
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:06,131
No. You will do it in the
traditional Japanese way...
244
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,633
On a wacky game show
while a beautiful woman
245
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:10,869
beats your scrotum with a reed.
246
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,304
Ow. I don't know which way
the horse goes.
247
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,941
Why is that guy laughing at me
and where is he?
248
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:20,779
There was a time limit?
Nobody told me that.
249
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,449
Time for "Good Door, Bad Door"!
250
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:27,052
Wait. How bad is the bad door?
251
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:29,220
♪ ♪
252
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,723
Grandpa-san, how bad
was the bad door?
253
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:32,991
Not too bad.
254
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,492
But shortly afterwards,
255
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,327
I was almost eaten alive
by an escalator.
256
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:39,364
The game is still going on?
257
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:43,068
You lose chess!
258
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:50,542
Peter, another way
to impress your Asian Tiger Mom
259
00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:53,078
is to put on this
old-fashioned baseball hat
260
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,880
and assist Indiana Jones
on his next adventure.
261
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,515
You got it, Mama Tricia.
262
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,651
Okay, nice and slow,
Doctor Jones.
263
00:11:59,653 --> 00:12:01,686
More alcohol and pot.
264
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,922
Yeah, let's get you out
of the tub first, Doctor Jones.
265
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,724
I want to fly an old plane.
266
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,058
I'm not sure
that's a great idea.
267
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,593
Not a new, safe one.
268
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:10,095
Uh, yeah, yeah, I got that.
269
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:11,896
There's a skeleton
in my bedroom.
270
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,531
That's your wife, Doctor Jones.
271
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,867
Now maybe today we
don't do the earring?
272
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:18,403
No. Earring every day.
273
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,007
All right, Brian, let's begin.
274
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:24,109
Great, let's do it.
275
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:25,276
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
276
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,778
Stop! Demerit!
277
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,079
What the hell?
278
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,180
Where are your hands, Brian?
279
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:30,882
Uh... on the
steering wheel?
280
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,751
Ten and two.
281
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:38,056
All right, commence.
282
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,891
IPDE, Brian, IPDE.
What?
283
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:43,561
IPDE... Identify,
Predict, Decide, Execute.
284
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,764
You've got to constantly
be IPDE-ing everything
285
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,098
in your target zone.
286
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,633
I-I-I-I don't, I don't know
what you're saying.
287
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:49,934
"Identify.
Predict..."
288
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,302
Yeah, you said that.
289
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,804
But it doesn't mean anyth...
IPDE that.
290
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,373
Uh... it's a child with a ball.
Very good.
291
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,709
Identified.
Now predict.
292
00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:59,244
Predict what?
293
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,112
Yeah, you keep saying
that like it's a word.
294
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,614
Those four letters
don't make a word.
295
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:04,449
It-it's not helping
me remember anything.
296
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,950
Well, now you've got
an oncoming vehicle.
297
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,919
Pay attention to your
four-to-six second zone.
298
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,954
What? What is that?
Fo-four-to-six second...?
299
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,556
IPDE the car, Brian.
IPDE the car!
300
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:12,791
What does that mean?
301
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,225
Now, check your gauges
with one eye
302
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,060
while keeping
your other eye on the road.
303
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:17,295
My eyes go in the
same direction.
304
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,763
What's your tire pressure?
305
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,331
I-I can't... I don't...
I-I'm in the car.
306
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,766
Stop! Demerit!
307
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,067
Stewie, I know how to drive.
308
00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:24,435
I've been driving for years.
309
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,973
Ever hear of IPDE, jackass?
310
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,947
I had a great day
with the fat son.
311
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,116
He's started
to respond positively
312
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,151
to the caning
of his buttocks and knuckles.
313
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,120
Speaking of buttocks
and knuckles,
314
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,688
let's fool around.
315
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,924
Mmm, sounds good.
316
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,659
I wonder if I can tell you
317
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:50,662
one of my deepest
sexual fantasies?
318
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,664
All right. Let me just burp
through my nose for a second,
319
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:53,932
I've been drinking seltzer.
320
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,668
Okay, what do you got?
321
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,837
Well, you're going
to think this is silly,
322
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:01,372
but I love it
when a man confesses
323
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,975
to manufacturing improprieties.
324
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,878
Oh, yeah? Well, then,
you're gonna love this.
325
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,647
I ordered the brewery
to start making beer cans
326
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:13,117
out of toxic, unsafe metal,
just to save a few bucks.
327
00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:14,986
Exactly what I wanted to hear.
328
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,354
Thank you, Carter.
329
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,623
And there you have it,
330
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,625
Channel Five News audience.
331
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:23,895
This has been Tricia Takanawa,
with my undercover exposé
332
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:26,130
of Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.
333
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:29,534
Up next... is Papa John dyeing
his eyebrows?
334
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,536
I sleep with him to find out,
335
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,472
though I'm fairly confident
the answer is yes.
336
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,341
And... we're clear.
337
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,042
What-What's going on?
338
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,245
I finished my investigation.
339
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:41,679
But... I don't
understand.
340
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:43,581
I... I thought we
were in love.
341
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:45,083
I only let you think that.
342
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,084
I'm sorry.
343
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,319
It's time for me to go.
344
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:51,756
Chris?
345
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,057
Hi, Grandpa.
346
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,559
I got an internship.
347
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,995
You mean, you've been
working for Tricia?
348
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:59,831
Hang on, I got to get
20 seconds of room tone.
349
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,700
What's room tone?
350
00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:04,168
Oh, we got to start again.
351
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,911
I miss her so much, Griffin.
352
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:15,914
Of all the women I've
institutionalized Babs over,
353
00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,949
she's the one
who meant the most to me.
354
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:19,050
I know.
355
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,919
It's like, one day
she's my Tiger Mom,
356
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,754
and the next day she isn't,
357
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,088
and the day before
that first day,
358
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,556
she also wasn't.
359
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,558
But the point is
she hurt us, Carter.
360
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,227
We got to get her back.
361
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,129
We need revenge.
362
00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:34,232
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
363
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:35,433
Coming up next,
364
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:38,703
Nicki Minaj...
is a bear?
365
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:42,140
But first, congratulations to
our very own Tricia Takanawa.
366
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,142
That's right, Tom.
Tricia's recent exposé
367
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,077
on the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery
368
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,645
has been nominated
for a local Emmy.
369
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,881
Mm, the "local"
really hurts that.
370
00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:51,049
That's it, Griffin.
371
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,917
That's how we'll
get our revenge.
372
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:54,585
You and I will go
to the local Emmys,
373
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,154
and we'll embarrass Tricia
on her big night
374
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,722
in front of all her peers.
375
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,257
That's a great idea!
376
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,658
'Cause people need to know
377
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:01,993
that she's an even bigger fraud
378
00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,795
than Robert Baden Powell,
379
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,496
the founder of the Boy Scouts.
380
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,832
Ma'am, I'd like to take
your son into the woods.
381
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,168
What?
That sounds suspicious.
382
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,737
Well, what if I said we'd
both be wearing shorts
383
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:14,806
and neckerchiefs, and
I'd give him little patches
384
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,708
for doing what I say?
385
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,182
So? How'd we do?
386
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,850
Did you pass your driver's test?
387
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:27,118
Uh, yeah. Yeah,
I think so.
388
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,419
You brought up IPDE?
389
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,787
As a matter of fact, I did.
390
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:30,855
He was impressed?
391
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:32,523
No, he had no idea
what I was talking about.
392
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:33,958
He tried to Google it
on his phone
393
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,994
and ended up spilling hot coffee
on his balls.
394
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,862
I took him to the ER
and he said he'd pass me
395
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,464
if I picked him up in an hour.
396
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:40,999
So it did work.
397
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,434
Well, congratulations, you're
getting your license back!
398
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,869
I know, it's great.
399
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,538
Now I'll be able to go to
those dog parties again.
400
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:15,933
There's Tricia.
401
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,470
Sweet.
What's our plan?
402
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,172
We put this in her drink.
403
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:24,008
It'll make her instantly
"triple" herself.
404
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:26,844
Tripling is when you vomit,
defecate, and orgasm,
405
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,212
all at the same time.
406
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,081
Wha... I-I don't...
407
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,215
Why would that
medicine even exist?
408
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,483
Cosby.
409
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,018
Now all we need is a distraction
410
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,420
so we can spike her cocktail.
411
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,155
Aha. You leave
that to me.
412
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,890
I know something
that might distract
413
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,358
all these news people.
414
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,893
Maybe if one of us just chuckles
415
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,361
for no apparent reason,
416
00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:44,896
everyone else will
start chuckling.
417
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,197
Worth a shot.
418
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:56,908
All right, they're
all news chuckling!
419
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,209
Go, go, go!
420
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,086
Okay. All Tricia's
got to do now
421
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,620
is take one sip and
she'll blow it out
422
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:10,955
of all three holes,
423
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,223
right here in front of everyone.
424
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:15,460
And that will make us feel
better about our life choices.
425
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,528
Hello, Mother.
426
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,430
I'm so happy you could
be here tonight.
427
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,765
Why happy?
428
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:21,933
You no work for Channel Ten,
429
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:23,267
just Channel Five.
430
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,902
Only half as good.
431
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,105
Mother, please,
I-I'm being honored tonight.
432
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,640
What honor? Connie Chung
marry Maury Povich,
433
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,542
form media super team.
434
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,078
Where your Povich?
You have no Povich.
435
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,881
Wow. Tricia's mom is really
coming down hard on her.
436
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,484
Yeah, and with really
outdated references.
437
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:40,952
You know,
438
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,788
it's no wonder Mama Trish
was so tough on me.
439
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,289
It's the only thing she knows.
440
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,924
And where grandchildren?
441
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:49,660
Who take care of me
when I 121 years old?
442
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,996
Who take care of
Irene? No one.
443
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:53,898
No one take care of Irene.
444
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,500
I guess her name is Irene.
445
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,969
Carter, I-I'm starting
to feel bad for Tricia.
446
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:01,105
Maybe what she did to us
was wrong, but sheesh,
447
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:02,940
look what her own life
has been like.
448
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:05,076
I-I don't, I don't think
I can do this.
449
00:19:05,078 --> 00:19:07,111
Well, this stuff's
already in her drink.
450
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:09,180
♪ ♪
451
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:17,054
Mama Tricia!
452
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:24,028
No!
453
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:36,607
Where'd you get these?
454
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:39,911
Oh, I see the guy.
455
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,048
You're a weird guy, Griffin.
456
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:45,283
Eh, I don't know.
457
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,717
You know, I just been thinking,
458
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,020
the way you and me fell
so fast for this lady,
459
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,454
and for no reason?
460
00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:52,023
Maybe the problem ain't
Tricia, you know?
461
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,191
Maybe it's us.
462
00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:54,525
What do you mean?
463
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,360
Well, with my real mom gone,
464
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,329
I-I guess maybe I just needed
465
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,231
someone in my life
to fill that role.
466
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:04,168
Someone who loves me enough to
call me fat and lazy and stupid.
467
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,504
Hmm, maybe you're right.
468
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:10,041
And maybe I was just looking
for a way to feel young again.
469
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:13,578
Hey, Carter? We're
gonna be okay.
470
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:20,051
Ah, crap. This thing
was a rental.
471
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,819
Here's your tux back, bye!
472
00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:27,692
Well, I'm just glad
all this nonsense
473
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,560
with Tricia Takanawa is over.
474
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,262
Hey, what ever
happened with Grandma?
475
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:33,030
Yeah, that's what everybody
was thinking about, Meg.
476
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,066
Trust me, she'll come back
if we need her.
477
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,267
Hey, Stewie, seriously,
478
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,435
thanks for everything you did
479
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:38,736
to help me get my license back.
480
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,870
My pleasure.
481
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,505
But now you owe me.
482
00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:42,873
That means one day,
483
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,775
I'm gonna come to you
and ask for a favor.
484
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:46,210
But I need to know something.
485
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:48,045
I need to know
that you're gonna say yes
486
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,380
when that day comes.
487
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,382
Uh, o-okay.
488
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:52,850
Can we go for ice cream?
489
00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:59,023
Come on!