1
00:00:02,092 --> 00:00:03,725
What's going on in your lives today?
2
00:00:03,794 --> 00:00:04,794
Tell me everything.
3
00:00:04,828 --> 00:00:06,561
And don't skip the juicy parts.
4
00:00:06,630 --> 00:00:08,129
There better not be juicy parts.
5
00:00:08,198 --> 00:00:10,331
- I'm friends with a fawn.
- A what?
6
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:11,599
My baby deer...
7
00:00:11,668 --> 00:00:13,835
I told you about her
this morning, remember?
8
00:00:13,904 --> 00:00:16,337
You kept saying,
"Uh-huh, honey. Uh-huh, honey."
9
00:00:16,406 --> 00:00:17,872
Uh-huh, honey.
10
00:00:17,941 --> 00:00:20,308
Oliver, Taylor,
what is going on in your lives?
11
00:00:20,377 --> 00:00:21,442
- Zero.
- Nada.
12
00:00:21,511 --> 00:00:24,165
All right, dummies, put your
phones down and keep them down.
13
00:00:24,696 --> 00:00:26,875
You know I can do a choke hold
from the driver's seat.
14
00:00:31,087 --> 00:00:32,709
Hi, guys!
15
00:00:32,812 --> 00:00:34,389
What is going on in your lives?
16
00:00:34,414 --> 00:00:35,714
- Same old.
- Nothing.
17
00:00:35,733 --> 00:00:38,607
It can't be "same old" if you've never
told me anything to begin with.
18
00:00:38,632 --> 00:00:40,161
Katie: They used to tell me
about everything,
19
00:00:40,230 --> 00:00:43,398
but just when they started growing
hair in weird places, they clammed up.
20
00:00:43,467 --> 00:00:46,000
Somebody tell me something
about anything!
21
00:00:46,069 --> 00:00:48,603
- Deer are good swimmers.
- Oh, I didn't mean you, baby.
22
00:00:48,672 --> 00:00:49,938
You tell Mama everything...
23
00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:54,209
even wiping details
nobody needs to know about.
24
00:00:54,277 --> 00:00:57,112
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
25
00:00:57,180 --> 00:01:00,081
♪
26
00:01:02,419 --> 00:01:05,019
I need to know
what's going on in their lives,
27
00:01:05,088 --> 00:01:06,521
otherwise I'll wake up one day,
28
00:01:06,590 --> 00:01:08,823
and my kid is the crystal meth
king of Westport.
29
00:01:08,892 --> 00:01:11,025
Oh, like Susie Penta's kid.
30
00:01:11,094 --> 00:01:13,762
What? Susan Penta's kid
was selling crystal meth?
31
00:01:13,830 --> 00:01:16,364
That actually happens here?
I was just saying stuff.
32
00:01:16,433 --> 00:01:18,833
Oh, I'd love it if my kid
became a meth dealer...
33
00:01:18,902 --> 00:01:21,236
do anything besides play "Minecraft."
34
00:01:21,304 --> 00:01:23,638
Get off the couch,
go outside, and sell meth.
35
00:01:23,707 --> 00:01:24,906
It's a beautiful day.
36
00:01:24,975 --> 00:01:26,808
Look, if you want to know
what your kids are up to,
37
00:01:26,877 --> 00:01:29,677
start running their texts
through your phone.
38
00:01:29,746 --> 00:01:32,180
- You both read your kids' texts?
- Absolutely.
39
00:01:32,249 --> 00:01:33,648
Reading them right now,
and my kids are having
40
00:01:33,717 --> 00:01:34,983
a cribbage tournament and want to know
41
00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:36,291
who's bringing the Mountain Dew.
42
00:01:36,353 --> 00:01:37,353
Nerds.
43
00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:39,454
Yeah, I'm raising nerds.
44
00:01:39,523 --> 00:01:42,123
Put that app on my phone.
Make it so, sensei.
45
00:01:42,192 --> 00:01:44,526
That wasn't an Asian thing.
That was a "teach me" thing.
46
00:01:44,594 --> 00:01:46,528
If I would have bowed like this,
47
00:01:46,596 --> 00:01:48,730
it would have been an Asian thing.
[Winces]
48
00:01:48,799 --> 00:01:50,465
I just made it an Asian thing.
49
00:01:50,534 --> 00:01:54,869
♪
50
00:01:54,938 --> 00:01:57,505
So, kids, how was your day?
51
00:01:57,574 --> 00:02:00,942
I named my deer Bambi,
then thought, "I can do better."
52
00:02:01,011 --> 00:02:02,610
Excellent share.
53
00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:03,945
Moving on. Oliver?
54
00:02:04,014 --> 00:02:05,380
- Ehh.
- Not an answer.
55
00:02:05,448 --> 00:02:08,183
Now I'm gonna get specific.
Let's talk Alice McCarthy.
56
00:02:08,251 --> 00:02:09,251
- What?
- Yeah.
57
00:02:09,286 --> 00:02:10,451
What's the latest on you and her?
58
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,387
There's no latest. There's no nothing.
59
00:02:12,455 --> 00:02:14,122
Should we invite her over
for dinner sometime?
60
00:02:14,191 --> 00:02:16,257
Are you crazy?!
61
00:02:16,326 --> 00:02:17,692
I'm trying to help you out.
62
00:02:17,761 --> 00:02:19,427
You're the kind of guy
who needs to hang around a lot,
63
00:02:19,496 --> 00:02:22,297
wear girls down, and then when they're
at their weakest, pounce.
64
00:02:23,433 --> 00:02:24,465
It works.
65
00:02:24,534 --> 00:02:29,871
"Ooh, Alice, let me hold your hand
with my gross, sweaty hand."
66
00:02:29,940 --> 00:02:31,239
It's not my fault.
67
00:02:31,308 --> 00:02:33,141
I inherited Dad's hyperactive glands.
68
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We run hot and wet.
69
00:02:34,778 --> 00:02:37,712
You know what really could seal
the deal with you and Alice?
70
00:02:37,781 --> 00:02:40,582
Ice-cream date,
back seat of the minivan...
71
00:02:40,650 --> 00:02:43,651
I'm up front setting you up
for jokes to make you look good.
72
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,187
I'm having a physical reaction
to this scenario.
73
00:02:46,256 --> 00:02:47,422
You're gonna give me hives.
74
00:02:47,490 --> 00:02:50,258
Hives are on your mom.
I'm about sweat and eczema.
75
00:02:50,327 --> 00:02:52,527
- So, Taylor...
- Huh?
76
00:02:52,596 --> 00:02:55,930
Why did Sophie tell Natalie
that you're acting like Madison?
77
00:02:55,999 --> 00:02:58,132
- How do you know that?
- You told me.
78
00:02:58,201 --> 00:03:00,468
No, I didn't. I don't tell you anything.
79
00:03:00,537 --> 00:03:03,404
Oh, my God. I knew this would happen.
80
00:03:03,473 --> 00:03:05,206
She's getting our texts on her phone.
81
00:03:05,275 --> 00:03:07,375
Your mother would never violate
your privacy like that.
82
00:03:07,444 --> 00:03:09,544
Oh, but I would.
83
00:03:09,613 --> 00:03:10,945
Of course she would.
84
00:03:11,014 --> 00:03:12,547
I can't be an involved parent
if they don't involve me.
85
00:03:12,616 --> 00:03:13,982
I am your mother.
86
00:03:14,050 --> 00:03:15,283
I'm gonna be all up in your stuff
87
00:03:15,352 --> 00:03:18,233
so I can share my wisdom and keep you
both on the straight and narrow.
88
00:03:18,288 --> 00:03:19,687
That's not fair!
89
00:03:19,756 --> 00:03:22,824
What's not fair is that your brains
aren't fully formed until you're 21,
90
00:03:22,893 --> 00:03:24,659
and you're my responsibility until then.
91
00:03:24,728 --> 00:03:26,694
Nobody told me that
when I got into this.
92
00:03:26,763 --> 00:03:31,199
♪
93
00:03:31,268 --> 00:03:34,168
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
94
00:03:34,237 --> 00:03:35,803
I can trust you with a secret, right?
95
00:03:35,872 --> 00:03:37,805
I mean, you being
the cool parent and all.
96
00:03:37,874 --> 00:03:40,482
Yeah. I didn't realize... Yeah.
97
00:03:40,608 --> 00:03:42,977
Okay, well, I've been taking
cotillion classes.
98
00:03:43,096 --> 00:03:45,396
So you're learning good manners
and etiquette covertly.
99
00:03:45,465 --> 00:03:46,764
It's a weird secret.
100
00:03:46,833 --> 00:03:49,467
I'm using it strictly
for networking purposes.
101
00:03:49,536 --> 00:03:52,603
Your oldest friends are the ones
that lie to the S.E.C. for you.
102
00:03:52,672 --> 00:03:54,906
My friends and I used
to ride bikes, skip stones.
103
00:03:54,975 --> 00:03:56,507
One time, we threw
a watermelon off a roof...
104
00:03:56,576 --> 00:03:57,508
made a big mess.
105
00:03:57,577 --> 00:04:00,678
Cute. So here's the deal...
106
00:04:00,747 --> 00:04:02,246
There's a formal dance
that's part of it,
107
00:04:02,315 --> 00:04:03,548
and I'm going to need a tux.
108
00:04:03,616 --> 00:04:05,383
That's really more
of your mom's department.
109
00:04:05,408 --> 00:04:06,546
Well, it's going to have to be yours.
110
00:04:06,571 --> 00:04:08,504
- I'd rather not involve Mom.
- Why?
111
00:04:08,529 --> 00:04:11,205
If dinner wasn't enough, need I
remind you about the café incident?
112
00:04:11,274 --> 00:04:13,074
Oliver, there's Alice McCarthy.
113
00:04:13,143 --> 00:04:15,443
She's so cute! Go say hi.
114
00:04:15,512 --> 00:04:16,778
Mom, no.
115
00:04:16,846 --> 00:04:19,013
Let's send her a cake pop
to get her attention.
116
00:04:21,151 --> 00:04:23,017
Ooh, she's looking.
117
00:04:23,086 --> 00:04:25,586
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
118
00:04:25,655 --> 00:04:27,322
- Not good.
- No.
119
00:04:27,390 --> 00:04:29,958
All she needs is to find out
parents can come to cotillion.
120
00:04:30,026 --> 00:04:32,260
It's gonna be flying cake pops
for everyone.
121
00:04:32,329 --> 00:04:35,129
I just need someone
who gets it on a guy level.
122
00:04:35,198 --> 00:04:36,965
- I'm a guy. I get it.
- I know.
123
00:04:37,033 --> 00:04:38,873
So you won't tell her
about any of this, right?
124
00:04:38,902 --> 00:04:41,736
Your mom and I don't keep secrets
from each other... not anymore.
125
00:04:41,805 --> 00:04:43,371
See this scar here?
126
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,040
This was a surprise party
for her that went awry.
127
00:04:46,109 --> 00:04:47,508
Okay.
128
00:04:47,577 --> 00:04:48,643
I just thought this could have been
129
00:04:48,712 --> 00:04:50,945
a defining bonding moment between us,
130
00:04:51,014 --> 00:04:52,947
one we could look back on
and laugh about
131
00:04:53,016 --> 00:04:56,150
when we're sharing a beer
after my college graduation,
132
00:04:56,219 --> 00:04:59,587
you and me, two guys, elbows on the bar.
133
00:04:59,656 --> 00:05:02,490
I do want that.
134
00:05:02,559 --> 00:05:05,026
- But keeping a secret from your mom...
- Come on.
135
00:05:05,095 --> 00:05:07,495
Just between us... bros.
136
00:05:09,933 --> 00:05:11,332
Sounds good, bro.
137
00:05:11,401 --> 00:05:15,670
♪
138
00:05:15,739 --> 00:05:17,305
Hey, honey.
139
00:05:17,374 --> 00:05:20,108
She hasn't sent a single text
to her friends all day.
140
00:05:20,176 --> 00:05:21,876
Taylor's gone dark on me, Greg...
141
00:05:21,945 --> 00:05:23,211
"Zero Dark Thirty."
142
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:24,639
Is that what that movie was about?
143
00:05:24,681 --> 00:05:26,214
- I didn't see it.
- It's no big deal.
144
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:27,548
I haven't texted anybody in weeks.
145
00:05:27,617 --> 00:05:29,550
Because your thumbs are
the size of Nebraska.
146
00:05:29,619 --> 00:05:31,319
And you have to put on
your reading glasses
147
00:05:31,388 --> 00:05:33,254
every time somebody sends you
an emoticon.
148
00:05:33,323 --> 00:05:35,390
They're really tiny, cruelly so.
149
00:05:35,458 --> 00:05:37,291
[Sighs] If I can't read her texts,
150
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,960
then I've got to find another way in.
151
00:05:39,029 --> 00:05:41,295
Katie, you're stalking our kids
like you're hunting a wild animal.
152
00:05:41,364 --> 00:05:45,033
Now, me, I view raising children
a little more like fishing.
153
00:05:45,101 --> 00:05:47,168
You wait quietly in the boat
and let them come to you.
154
00:05:47,237 --> 00:05:49,237
What kind of nonsense parenting podcasts
155
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:52,306
- have you been listening to?
- Hey, my technique gets results.
156
00:05:52,375 --> 00:05:54,776
In fact, "hanging back" is
how I got Oliver
157
00:05:54,844 --> 00:05:56,604
to beg to spend the day
with me after school.
158
00:05:56,646 --> 00:05:58,613
Oliver begged to hang out with you?
159
00:05:58,681 --> 00:05:59,580
Hell yeah.
160
00:05:59,649 --> 00:06:00,915
Why?
161
00:06:00,984 --> 00:06:02,417
I guess he wants
some father-son time, you know,
162
00:06:02,485 --> 00:06:05,389
to really let my
experience juices soak in.
163
00:06:05,413 --> 00:06:07,688
Mm-hmm. And what are
the two of you going to do?
164
00:06:07,757 --> 00:06:09,023
- Hang.
- Where?
165
00:06:09,092 --> 00:06:10,258
- Around.
- Specifically?
166
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:11,326
Batting cages.
167
00:06:13,797 --> 00:06:15,663
Do I have something in my teeth?
168
00:06:15,732 --> 00:06:19,000
Nope. Sweaty lip.
169
00:06:19,069 --> 00:06:20,568
It's your tell.
170
00:06:20,637 --> 00:06:22,627
Mnh-mnh. You're hiding something.
171
00:06:22,695 --> 00:06:23,861
Spill it.
172
00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:25,273
I promised Oliver I wouldn't.
173
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,475
It's just between us bros.
174
00:06:27,544 --> 00:06:28,544
Fine.
175
00:06:28,578 --> 00:06:29,978
Don't be hurt. Are you really hurt?
176
00:06:30,013 --> 00:06:31,279
What do you want from me?
177
00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:33,781
You're putting bros before hos.
178
00:06:33,850 --> 00:06:36,217
- It's not that big of a deal.
- But I need to mother, Greg.
179
00:06:36,286 --> 00:06:37,886
Without being a mother,
I am just a woman
180
00:06:37,921 --> 00:06:39,854
who put on 40 pounds for no reason.
181
00:06:40,957 --> 00:06:42,790
Fine.
182
00:06:42,859 --> 00:06:44,926
He's been taking these cotillion
classes, and there's a formal dance.
183
00:06:44,994 --> 00:06:47,295
And he needs a tux, and he wants
me to help him and not tell you.
184
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:49,730
[Gasps] Why?
185
00:06:49,799 --> 00:06:52,567
Is he afraid that I'm
too involved in his life,
186
00:06:52,635 --> 00:06:54,168
that I'm going to embarrass him?
187
00:06:54,237 --> 00:06:55,970
Your words. And his.
188
00:06:56,039 --> 00:06:57,305
Well, too bad!
189
00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:59,774
I am going to go up there,
and I am going to tell him...
190
00:06:59,843 --> 00:07:01,876
No, no, no.
You're not gonna say anything.
191
00:07:01,945 --> 00:07:03,711
If he finds out
that I betrayed his trust,
192
00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:04,934
he'll never come to either of us
193
00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:06,034
- with a problem again.
- [Sighs]
194
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,349
We don't want him going
to the lonely baseball coach.
195
00:07:08,418 --> 00:07:11,219
Fine! He's yours.
196
00:07:11,287 --> 00:07:13,354
I'm gonna go handle the girls.
At least they smell good.
197
00:07:13,423 --> 00:07:15,590
Yeah, puberty's hitting Oliver hard.
198
00:07:15,658 --> 00:07:17,758
- Gross.
- Yeah.
199
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,576
So Oliver doesn't want me in his life.
200
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,276
Does it hurt? Sure.
201
00:07:25,363 --> 00:07:27,880
But that's why I spent
nine months creating a backup.
202
00:07:27,949 --> 00:07:29,715
What's going on in that head, lovey?
203
00:07:29,784 --> 00:07:30,850
Let Mama in.
204
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:32,651
I'm just waiting for my deer.
205
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,620
Come sit with me.
206
00:07:34,689 --> 00:07:37,356
Thank you. It's good to be wanted.
207
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,561
Mama, did you know, in Connecticut,
208
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:45,164
there are over 100,000 whitetail deer
209
00:07:45,233 --> 00:07:47,932
and that a mother deer
will leave a young fawn
210
00:07:47,994 --> 00:07:49,535
- in the days after it's born?
- I thought I could do it.
211
00:07:49,604 --> 00:07:50,586
Can't do it.
212
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,271
And yet, it manages
to survive and eat on its...
213
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,407
Okay, Taylor, you're up.
214
00:07:57,412 --> 00:07:59,912
So, how's it going?
215
00:07:59,981 --> 00:08:01,881
Fine, Mom, but I could use
a little privacy.
216
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:02,949
No problem.
217
00:08:07,155 --> 00:08:09,255
We can have a little privacy together.
218
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,524
[Sighs] I really don't feel
like talking.
219
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:14,026
I know you don't,
but I'm gonna need you to,
220
00:08:14,095 --> 00:08:16,228
or I'm gonna start texting as you.
221
00:08:16,297 --> 00:08:18,330
And it's gonna be all about your rash.
222
00:08:19,534 --> 00:08:20,833
It's on your butt.
223
00:08:20,902 --> 00:08:22,435
Why is this happening?
224
00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,070
Because you cut me out of your texts.
225
00:08:24,138 --> 00:08:26,338
- I'm not cutting you out.
- Your phone says otherwise.
226
00:08:27,742 --> 00:08:30,309
No one's texting me, okay?
227
00:08:30,378 --> 00:08:31,477
How come?
228
00:08:31,546 --> 00:08:32,578
'Cause out of the blue,
229
00:08:32,647 --> 00:08:33,879
Sophie decided not to talk to me,
230
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,283
so, of course, now all of the other
girls are going along with it, too.
231
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:39,018
God! Teenage girls suck.
232
00:08:39,087 --> 00:08:40,853
[Sighs] We're the worst.
233
00:08:40,922 --> 00:08:42,121
How about next time
I see Sophie's Mom...
234
00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:43,355
Do not do that.
235
00:08:43,424 --> 00:08:45,291
You'll ruin my life more
than it already is.
236
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,826
You don't even know
what I was going to say.
237
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,060
Watch.
238
00:08:48,129 --> 00:08:50,296
"Hey, Sophie's Mom"...
239
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,465
I really don't have anything
beyond that.
240
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,867
I kind of think best on my feet,
but you get the tone.
241
00:08:54,936 --> 00:08:55,936
Mom, please, no.
242
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,903
I don't want you to fix anything.
243
00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:00,212
Then why did you tell me
if you didn't want me to fix it?
244
00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:02,074
- Because you forced me to.
- How about I say...
245
00:09:02,143 --> 00:09:03,275
Nope.
246
00:09:03,344 --> 00:09:05,077
Well, then, you know what?
247
00:09:05,146 --> 00:09:07,480
I'm gonna go bond hard with Anna-Kat.
248
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:09,215
♪
249
00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:11,117
Anna-Kat: Oh. Hi, Mama.
250
00:09:11,185 --> 00:09:12,518
I'm leaving raisins for my deer.
251
00:09:12,587 --> 00:09:15,488
You know, deer's
favorite food is grapes.
252
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,256
Still can't do it.
253
00:09:17,325 --> 00:09:18,491
[Rock music plays]
254
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:21,427
- Hey, Dad.
- Wait for it... big finish.
255
00:09:21,496 --> 00:09:22,835
- [Song ends]
- Pretty rad.
256
00:09:22,947 --> 00:09:25,481
- [Chuckles]
- Listen... We can skip the tux shop.
257
00:09:25,550 --> 00:09:26,682
I've been thinking about it
258
00:09:26,751 --> 00:09:28,651
and realized the dance
is gonna be totally lame.
259
00:09:28,719 --> 00:09:30,352
But I thought it was part
of the cotillion class.
260
00:09:30,421 --> 00:09:31,854
It's not like we're graded on it.
261
00:09:31,923 --> 00:09:32,923
It's voluntary.
262
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,356
Yeah, but you seemed
so excited about it.
263
00:09:34,425 --> 00:09:37,359
Well, I thought it would be cool
if you and I hung out instead.
264
00:09:37,428 --> 00:09:39,328
You, me? On a Friday night?
265
00:09:39,397 --> 00:09:40,629
Just two dudes.
266
00:09:41,499 --> 00:09:43,699
Well, what are we dudes doing
tomorrow night?
267
00:09:43,768 --> 00:09:45,334
The question is, Dad,
268
00:09:45,403 --> 00:09:47,203
"What aren't we going to do
tomorrow night?"
269
00:09:47,271 --> 00:09:50,005
That is wildly non-specific.
I'm in for all of it.
270
00:09:50,074 --> 00:09:51,474
[Engine starts]
271
00:09:51,542 --> 00:09:53,142
♪
272
00:09:53,211 --> 00:09:54,443
[Thudding]
273
00:09:56,981 --> 00:09:58,280
Katie: Hey, boys.
274
00:09:58,349 --> 00:09:59,789
Better not have ruined your appetite
275
00:09:59,817 --> 00:10:01,450
during your hangout this afternoon.
276
00:10:01,519 --> 00:10:04,620
Seems like this energy might be
more of a "you" problem.
277
00:10:10,128 --> 00:10:13,162
I don't know what you're making for
dinner, but it's gonna be flat.
278
00:10:13,231 --> 00:10:15,097
Did you enjoy your tux shopping?
279
00:10:15,166 --> 00:10:16,606
Actually, we didn't go tux shopping.
280
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:17,967
- Why?
- He's blowing off the dance.
281
00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:19,235
- Why?
- Says it's gonna be lame.
282
00:10:19,303 --> 00:10:20,503
- Why?
- I don't know.
283
00:10:20,571 --> 00:10:21,537
He thought it would be more fun
to hang out with me.
284
00:10:21,606 --> 00:10:22,638
Well, that's a lie.
285
00:10:22,707 --> 00:10:24,340
- Jealous.
- Think about it, Greg.
286
00:10:24,408 --> 00:10:25,841
Two days ago, it was a big enough deal
287
00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:27,143
that he couldn't tell his mother.
288
00:10:27,211 --> 00:10:28,511
What changed?
289
00:10:28,579 --> 00:10:30,246
I didn't ask.
290
00:10:30,314 --> 00:10:31,680
You didn't ask.
291
00:10:31,749 --> 00:10:33,415
What's so wrong
about a 12-year-old boy wanting
292
00:10:33,484 --> 00:10:36,051
to do a little air-drumming
with his pops on a Friday night?
293
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,319
Honey, listen to yourself.
294
00:10:40,491 --> 00:10:42,658
- He called me "bro."
- Oh, Greg.
295
00:10:42,727 --> 00:10:44,560
I got played, didn't I?
296
00:10:44,629 --> 00:10:45,961
Yeah.
297
00:10:46,030 --> 00:10:47,530
We need the truth
about why he doesn't want
298
00:10:47,598 --> 00:10:49,365
to go to the dance, and you know
how we're gonna find it?
299
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,267
Not by having the fish come to us.
300
00:10:51,335 --> 00:10:53,769
No, we're gonna toss
a stick of dynamite in the water
301
00:10:53,838 --> 00:10:55,438
and let the answers float
to the surface.
302
00:10:56,741 --> 00:10:57,640
Come on.
303
00:10:57,708 --> 00:11:02,645
♪
304
00:11:02,713 --> 00:11:05,915
Why aren't you going
to your top-secret fancy dance?
305
00:11:05,983 --> 00:11:07,883
You ratted me out. Not cool, man.
306
00:11:09,153 --> 00:11:11,921
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, stay with me.
307
00:11:11,989 --> 00:11:13,455
- Why are you guys in here?
- You lied to me.
308
00:11:13,524 --> 00:11:14,723
I didn't lie.
309
00:11:14,792 --> 00:11:15,891
I might have withheld a few facts.
310
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,727
A lie of omission is
the worst kind of lie.
311
00:11:18,796 --> 00:11:20,462
Actually, I think
the worst kind of lie is
312
00:11:20,531 --> 00:11:22,498
an outright lie that lands
an innocent man in prison.
313
00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:24,266
- What are you doing?
- I...
314
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:27,069
You asked your father
to lie to me for you,
315
00:11:27,138 --> 00:11:30,206
and you're taking "how to behave like
a rich jerk" classes behind my back.
316
00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:32,074
- They're etiquette lessons.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
317
00:11:32,143 --> 00:11:34,243
Should I be yelling at you
with my pinky up?
318
00:11:34,312 --> 00:11:35,611
Give me answers.
319
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,446
Why aren't you going to that dance?
320
00:11:37,515 --> 00:11:39,148
Like I told Dad, it's gonna be lame.
321
00:11:39,217 --> 00:11:41,283
Mm, is that the story
you're sticking to?
322
00:11:42,887 --> 00:11:45,788
♪
323
00:11:50,328 --> 00:11:51,961
Sorry, buddy.
324
00:11:52,029 --> 00:11:54,630
You have it, too... the "Otto tell."
325
00:11:54,699 --> 00:11:55,837
When we betray others,
326
00:11:55,908 --> 00:11:57,407
- our bodies betray us.
- Mmhmm.
327
00:11:57,468 --> 00:11:58,701
Spill it.
328
00:11:58,769 --> 00:12:00,189
Now.
329
00:12:02,907 --> 00:12:04,440
Okay, I don't want to go anymore
330
00:12:04,508 --> 00:12:05,674
'cause I got partnered with someone
331
00:12:05,743 --> 00:12:07,610
- I don't want to dance with.
- Who?
332
00:12:07,678 --> 00:12:08,711
Some girl.
333
00:12:08,779 --> 00:12:10,646
I want a name.
334
00:12:10,715 --> 00:12:12,114
Kimmie Wu.
335
00:12:12,183 --> 00:12:14,116
- Kimmie Wu "Size Twenty-Two"?
- Yes.
336
00:12:14,185 --> 00:12:15,784
You got stuck with a fat girl
337
00:12:15,853 --> 00:12:17,853
and not one of Westport's
skinny future trophy wives,
338
00:12:17,922 --> 00:12:18,922
so you're backing out?
339
00:12:19,824 --> 00:12:21,457
Wow, Oliver. Really?
340
00:12:21,525 --> 00:12:23,259
You know, as the son of a larger lady,
341
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:25,094
I would think
that you would be sensitive
342
00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:27,162
being partnered with
Kimmie Wu "Size Twenty-Two."
343
00:12:27,231 --> 00:12:28,597
You'd think, as a larger lady,
344
00:12:28,666 --> 00:12:31,233
you'd stop calling her
Kimmie Wu "Size Twenty-Two."
345
00:12:31,302 --> 00:12:33,335
Are those manners classes
teaching you to talk back
346
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,104
to your Mom at a really stupid moment?
347
00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:37,339
Oliver, you are going
to that cotillion dance,
348
00:12:37,399 --> 00:12:38,437
and your mother and I are going, too.
349
00:12:38,483 --> 00:12:40,276
And we're going to make sure
that you dance with that girl
350
00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:43,746
because your father
and I are raising high-quality,
351
00:12:43,814 --> 00:12:46,179
non-sucky human beings.
352
00:12:46,249 --> 00:12:48,061
Human beings.
353
00:12:48,136 --> 00:12:49,569
I got your back.
354
00:12:49,662 --> 00:12:53,255
♪
355
00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:58,236
Two corsages... One for
Oliver's big, beautiful date,
356
00:12:58,291 --> 00:13:00,431
- and one for yours.
- Oh, I shouldn't have.
357
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,266
Have fun tonight.
358
00:13:03,330 --> 00:13:05,370
Don't worry, honey.
Everything will work itself out.
359
00:13:05,399 --> 00:13:06,418
Your Dad's right.
360
00:13:06,443 --> 00:13:08,300
I know nobody texted you today,
but they will.
361
00:13:08,369 --> 00:13:10,001
You're still reading my texts?
362
00:13:10,070 --> 00:13:11,570
Oh, I'm so sorry
if I gave you the impression
363
00:13:11,638 --> 00:13:13,505
that I was going
to respect your privacy.
364
00:13:13,574 --> 00:13:14,773
That was wrong of me.
365
00:13:16,910 --> 00:13:18,710
Look at you... so handsome.
366
00:13:18,779 --> 00:13:20,011
We may not be raising them right,
367
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,547
but we certainly make beautiful babies.
368
00:13:22,616 --> 00:13:24,082
Can we just get this over with?
369
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,518
Do all your pouting in the car
because when we get there
370
00:13:26,587 --> 00:13:28,887
you are going to smile,
you are going to have fun,
371
00:13:28,956 --> 00:13:31,156
and you're going to dance
like nobody's watching...
372
00:13:31,355 --> 00:13:33,442
or exactly how they instructed you to.
373
00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:34,943
Call if you need anything.
374
00:13:35,012 --> 00:13:38,213
Sophie's mom is a part
of that whole cotillion crowd,
375
00:13:38,282 --> 00:13:41,016
so if you see her
please do not say anything.
376
00:13:41,085 --> 00:13:43,218
All my attention's off you
and on your brother.
377
00:13:43,287 --> 00:13:45,787
He pissed me off just a little
bit more than you today.
378
00:13:45,856 --> 00:13:46,856
Thanks, Oliver.
379
00:13:47,758 --> 00:13:51,393
♪
380
00:13:51,462 --> 00:13:54,329
[Indistinct conversations]
381
00:14:00,904 --> 00:14:04,439
Ohhh. I get it now.
382
00:14:04,508 --> 00:14:07,909
This is where they train to become them.
383
00:14:07,978 --> 00:14:10,345
- All right!
- Ohh!
384
00:14:12,049 --> 00:14:13,181
There's your girl.
385
00:14:17,821 --> 00:14:19,821
Here's your corsage.
386
00:14:19,890 --> 00:14:21,323
Now, where's that smile?
387
00:14:22,993 --> 00:14:24,760
Maybe no smile.
388
00:14:24,828 --> 00:14:26,728
A little advice...
Big girls don't like it
389
00:14:26,797 --> 00:14:29,498
when you rest your hands
on their midsection.
390
00:14:29,566 --> 00:14:33,201
Limit contact to just shoulders
and other bony joints.
391
00:14:33,270 --> 00:14:34,556
♪ Love stinks ♪
392
00:14:34,705 --> 00:14:36,978
♪ Love stinks ♪
393
00:14:37,299 --> 00:14:40,041
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Love stinks ♪
394
00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:42,095
♪ Love stinks ♪
395
00:14:42,580 --> 00:14:44,980
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Love stinks ♪
396
00:14:45,048 --> 00:14:46,314
- Oliver, honey?
- [Music distorts, stops]
397
00:14:46,383 --> 00:14:48,550
Dad, I need to use the bathroom.
398
00:14:50,788 --> 00:14:53,088
Alice McCarthy's here with another boy.
399
00:14:53,157 --> 00:14:55,590
Ohh, poor Oliver.
400
00:14:55,659 --> 00:14:57,859
He probably hoped that
they'd get partnered together.
401
00:14:57,928 --> 00:15:00,896
And now he has to watch her
dance with that hot guy.
402
00:15:00,964 --> 00:15:02,697
He's 14 years old, Katie.
403
00:15:02,766 --> 00:15:04,599
Well, don't make it weird, Greg.
404
00:15:04,668 --> 00:15:06,835
- Should we go talk to him?
- What?
405
00:15:06,904 --> 00:15:07,936
No.
406
00:15:08,005 --> 00:15:10,472
I don't even know
what I would say to him.
407
00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:12,174
- I meant our son.
- Oh.
408
00:15:12,242 --> 00:15:13,341
No.
409
00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:14,709
I think you should.
410
00:15:14,778 --> 00:15:16,478
I'd really love
to dig my paws into this one,
411
00:15:16,547 --> 00:15:18,847
but I think it calls
for a gentler touch.
412
00:15:18,916 --> 00:15:20,482
- I'm on it.
- Okay.
413
00:15:25,956 --> 00:15:26,888
[Sighs]
414
00:15:26,957 --> 00:15:28,323
[Door opens]
415
00:15:33,063 --> 00:15:34,429
[Door closes]
416
00:15:37,267 --> 00:15:38,655
Hey.
417
00:15:38,928 --> 00:15:40,467
Hey.
418
00:15:40,637 --> 00:15:42,070
Is everything all right in here?
419
00:15:44,174 --> 00:15:46,077
So, I saw Alice.
420
00:15:46,310 --> 00:15:47,843
Yeah?
421
00:15:47,911 --> 00:15:49,611
Is that why the dance was
gonna be so lame?
422
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,443
Whatever. I don't care.
423
00:15:51,915 --> 00:15:53,682
Okay.
424
00:15:56,086 --> 00:15:58,119
[Sighs]
425
00:15:58,144 --> 00:15:59,357
I feel like an idiot.
426
00:15:59,382 --> 00:16:01,723
All last week, Alice's friends
kept coming up to me like,
427
00:16:01,792 --> 00:16:04,493
"Alice is gonna ask you to be
her partner at cotillion."
428
00:16:04,561 --> 00:16:06,928
Then, stupid Kurt Brockwell
comes back from having mono,
429
00:16:06,997 --> 00:16:08,897
and she asks him.
430
00:16:08,916 --> 00:16:11,483
And I get thrown in the
leftover pool with Kimmie Wu.
431
00:16:11,552 --> 00:16:13,652
- Can we just go home now?
- No.
432
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,620
Look, this cotillion class was
about learning grace
433
00:16:15,689 --> 00:16:17,389
- and manners, right?
- Yeah.
434
00:16:17,458 --> 00:16:19,324
You go out there, and you show some.
435
00:16:19,393 --> 00:16:20,859
I promise you when you
look back at this moment,
436
00:16:20,928 --> 00:16:23,028
you're not gonna wish you'd
hidden in the bathroom longer
437
00:16:23,096 --> 00:16:24,496
or gone home early.
438
00:16:24,565 --> 00:16:26,832
You'll remember you acted like a man
439
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:29,000
and you did the right thing.
440
00:16:29,069 --> 00:16:32,037
And when we go for a beer
at your graduation,
441
00:16:32,105 --> 00:16:35,207
we'll talk about this defining moment.
442
00:16:35,275 --> 00:16:37,075
I'm sorry I lied to you.
443
00:16:37,144 --> 00:16:38,643
[Chuckles]
444
00:16:38,712 --> 00:16:42,647
Now let's get out there before
Kurt Brockwell is your stepdad.
445
00:16:42,716 --> 00:16:45,584
♪
446
00:16:53,961 --> 00:16:56,995
Look at our boy. Look at what we did.
447
00:16:57,064 --> 00:17:01,733
♪
448
00:17:01,752 --> 00:17:03,718
Eat your heart out, Alice McCarthy.
449
00:17:03,787 --> 00:17:06,822
No way her bony ass can
break it down like Kimmie Wu do.
450
00:17:06,890 --> 00:17:08,156
It's impossible not to rhyme.
451
00:17:08,225 --> 00:17:09,291
[Chuckles]
452
00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:11,059
♪
453
00:17:11,128 --> 00:17:12,661
There's Sophie's Mom.
454
00:17:14,331 --> 00:17:16,064
You got to fix things
for one kid tonight.
455
00:17:16,133 --> 00:17:17,566
I'm gonna go fix things for the other.
456
00:17:17,634 --> 00:17:19,668
Didn't Taylor explicitly say not to?
457
00:17:19,736 --> 00:17:21,570
Greg, we can't listen to our children.
458
00:17:21,638 --> 00:17:22,737
They're children.
459
00:17:22,806 --> 00:17:25,707
♪
460
00:17:27,945 --> 00:17:29,544
Hi, Sophie's mom.
461
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,112
I'm Taylor's mom.
462
00:17:31,181 --> 00:17:34,382
Seems like our girls aren't getting
along very well these days.
463
00:17:34,451 --> 00:17:36,751
- Girls this age, right?
- [Chuckling] Mm-hmm, yeah.
464
00:17:36,820 --> 00:17:39,821
But in this case, it's more your girl.
465
00:17:39,890 --> 00:17:41,656
You have a problem with my girl?
466
00:17:41,725 --> 00:17:44,292
I have a problem with the problem
your girl has with my girl.
467
00:17:44,361 --> 00:17:46,194
Well, maybe you should mind
your own business
468
00:17:46,263 --> 00:17:47,996
and let them work it out for themselves.
469
00:17:48,065 --> 00:17:49,277
And now I have a problem with you.
470
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:52,067
You're about to be a part of
something called making a scene.
471
00:17:52,135 --> 00:17:53,335
♪
472
00:17:53,403 --> 00:17:56,638
[Indistinct shouting, glass shatters]
473
00:17:56,707 --> 00:17:58,406
[Door opens]
474
00:17:58,475 --> 00:18:00,360
[Remote clicks]
475
00:18:00,385 --> 00:18:03,445
- Hey, how was the dance?
- Humiliating, then fun,
476
00:18:03,514 --> 00:18:06,181
then, thanks to Mom, humiliating again.
477
00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:07,690
Things definitely took a weird turn.
478
00:18:07,751 --> 00:18:10,519
Mom slapped a drink
out of Sophie's mom's hand.
479
00:18:10,587 --> 00:18:12,387
Your mom pushed the boundaries
of proper etiquette.
480
00:18:12,456 --> 00:18:14,289
I'm sorry, honey. It did not go well.
481
00:18:14,358 --> 00:18:16,258
It turns out after, "Hi, Sophie's mom,"
482
00:18:16,326 --> 00:18:18,460
I didn't have much of a plan.
483
00:18:18,529 --> 00:18:20,095
Oh, I know.
484
00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:22,030
Sophie and I have been going back
and forth about it all night.
485
00:18:22,099 --> 00:18:24,733
There's video. You guys might go viral.
486
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:26,234
You and Sophie are talking again?
487
00:18:26,303 --> 00:18:28,904
We totally bonded over
our mothers being lunatics.
488
00:18:28,972 --> 00:18:31,873
- Why aren't I getting those texts?
- We were talking on the phone.
489
00:18:31,942 --> 00:18:33,441
Can you record those conversations
490
00:18:33,510 --> 00:18:34,609
and send them to me?
491
00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:36,411
I'm just kidding. I'll record them.
492
00:18:37,981 --> 00:18:40,549
- [Cellphone dings]
- Oh.
493
00:18:40,617 --> 00:18:44,386
- Oliver just got a text from Alice.
- Hm.
494
00:18:46,790 --> 00:18:50,492
"Top hat, smiley face, sweaty hands"?
495
00:18:50,561 --> 00:18:52,869
- That's "clapping."
- Cruelly tiny.
496
00:18:52,894 --> 00:18:54,029
What does it mean?
497
00:18:54,097 --> 00:18:56,031
It means she thought
he looked good in his tux
498
00:18:56,099 --> 00:18:57,499
and that he's a nice guy,
499
00:18:57,568 --> 00:18:59,734
and the clapping is applause
for his dancing.
500
00:18:59,803 --> 00:19:01,102
It means that he has a shot
501
00:19:01,171 --> 00:19:03,071
against the most handsome man
in the world.
502
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:05,106
Child, Katie... He's a child.
503
00:19:05,175 --> 00:19:06,541
You're making it weird again.
504
00:19:06,610 --> 00:19:09,678
♪
505
00:19:09,746 --> 00:19:12,080
So if one of the kids comes
to one of us with a secret,
506
00:19:12,149 --> 00:19:13,815
we won't keep it from each other.
507
00:19:13,884 --> 00:19:15,250
No, we'll betray our children
508
00:19:15,319 --> 00:19:16,818
but hide our deception from them.
509
00:19:16,887 --> 00:19:19,354
We're in uncharted territory...
the teenage years.
510
00:19:19,423 --> 00:19:22,090
We need to monitor their texts
and read their e-mails.
511
00:19:22,159 --> 00:19:24,392
And rifle through their drawers.
Don't forget about the rifling.
512
00:19:24,461 --> 00:19:26,595
Drawers, bags, pockets.
513
00:19:26,663 --> 00:19:28,103
I'll go to school and bust a locker.
514
00:19:28,165 --> 00:19:30,231
Our kids don't think
they need us, but they do.
515
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:33,368
That's why we've got to know what's
going on in their lives at all times.
516
00:19:33,437 --> 00:19:36,071
Nothing happens under this roof
without us knowing.
517
00:19:36,139 --> 00:19:39,307
♪
518
00:20:08,546 --> 00:20:09,625
Ugh!
519
00:20:09,687 --> 00:20:12,124
I should pay more attention to that kid.
520
00:20:12,148 --> 00:20:17,148
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com