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This programme contains
some strong language

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# Read about the things that
happen throughout the world

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# But don't believe in
everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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♪ News of the world,
news of the world. ♪

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, everyone, welcome to the
Mock The Week end-of-year special,

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00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:33,700
and let's face it,
what says "Christmas" and "special"

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more than me distractedly
knocking off a half-arsed link

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in the first week of October?

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Ho-ho-ho!

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Merry Christmas. Enjoy the show.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called
If This Is The Answer,

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What Is The Question?
On the board are six categories.

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Ivo, which category would you like?

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I would like Home News, please,
Dara. Lovely. Home News it is.

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The answer is one year.
What is the question?

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"What would be an
appropriate prison sentence

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"for people who use
the phrase 'holibobs'?"

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Not the answer, but I'll take it.

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Is it, "How long do the BBC have
left now they've lost Bake Off?"

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And the clock is already ticking.

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Is it, "In a Wetherspoons kitchen,

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"what is the chef's equivalent of
the five-second rule?"

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"If Santa falls over in
the bath on Boxing Day,

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"how long until anyone misses him?"

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What about Mrs Claus?

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She doesn't give a shit about him
during the rest of the year.

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She's a gold-digger, mate. All she
cares about is...Christmas glory.

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She's just there for the toys,
is she? People say, "Where is he?"

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She says, "Oh, he's probably
in his workshop.

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"Normally is. With his elves."

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He's always with those bloody elves,
isn't he? It seems very suspicious.

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I don't know what's going
on with those elves.

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There's nothing going on between
Santa Claus and any of the elves.

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Are you telling me he's never
got a handjob off one of them?

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He definitely has, cos think
how small their hands are,

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it would make it look massive.

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Merry Christmas, everyone.

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I think - serious suggestion here -

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I th... Hello, by the way.

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I realise I haven't said
hello to you today.

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No, I thought it was
a little bit distant.

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We never say hello on this show.

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There is a lack of that, isn't
there? Straight into politics, mate.

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Britain needs satire
and I'm here for it.

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I think people don't realise that we
don't all just converge on

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this point without having bumped
into each other sometime

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during the day and the lead into the
recording. What can you do, then?

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They don't, like, five minutes
before the show, start going...

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HE IMITATES HORN

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..and then we all just emerge from
all the different compass points.

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Assemble!

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We all have little nicknames, like
Token Cockney! Whimsy! One-liners!

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Woman!

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It IS like The Avengers.

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APPLAUSE

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Anyone know what it actually is?

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Well, I think we all know what
it actually is. Yeah, of course.

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It's Jeremy Corbyn commiserating,
sort of, with Owen Smith,

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the news that Jeremy Corbyn wins
the Labour leadership.

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It is, of course, Thank you
very much, Hugh. Very good.

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APPLAUSE

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It's something like the largest
political party in Europe

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or something at the moment,
the largest amount of members.

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I mean, he rode in on a
huge wave of succ...

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It should translate across and yet -

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and this is by no means
any attack on him -

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it feels like winning the technical
challenge in Bake Off, you know?

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Oh, stop angling for the job!

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I'm just saying! I'm just saying.

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Can I interject here?

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Has anybody on this stage won the
technical challenge in Bake Off?

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Yes!

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APPLAUSE

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What did you have to make?

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Lemon meringue pie, bitches!

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Two things. Firstly,
you were doing great

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on "I won the technical
challenge on Bake Off"

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until you said the words "A lemon
meringue pie", when you know...

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Bitches! That's just a cake,
that's not a tech...

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A technical challenge is some
17th-century strudel.

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Lemon meringue pie is not
an easy technical bake.

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In fact, Paul Hollywood even said,
he looked at mine and said,

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"I bet I'm going to cut into
that and all the meringue's

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"going to just pour out of it."
Did it? Did it buggery!

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OK, well, you killed my metaphor,

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which I was doing really nicely.
Tell us instead...

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I didn't mean to kill your metaphor,

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I just meant to point out that I am
more qualified to wield it

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than you are. That's all.
I'll give you that.

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This is actually turning into
the Labour Party conference.

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Tell us about your Showstopper.
How did that go?

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How did your Showstopper go?
It didn't go well.

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It didn't go well, did it?

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Carrot cake and it
was raw in the middle.

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And then you just threw icing at it
like you were trying to smother it.

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You're slagging, but I like
the fact that you watched.

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APPLAUSE

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Ah, the Christmas quiz!

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CHEERING

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People now come specially
for the Christmas quiz,

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to look at our fabulous decorations.
Oh, that's nice.

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This thing, which I think is
actually, sort of, awww.

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ALL: Awww.

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And then, for no particular reason,
a squirrel.

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A squirrel with tinsel on him,
which is not, in any way, effective.

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And Donald Trump's hair at the back.
And then this, a genuine...

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You can purchase this, which is
a glistening owl with antlers on.

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You know, this costs, like, ?4.50
or something in a shop. A shop.

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Is this your audition for QVC?
Anyway, that's... Hey, hey, hey.

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OK, here's the Christmas quiz,
right?

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In which there will be
quizzes and questions.

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What makes the traditional British
Christmas dinner unique?

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Turkey. Sprouts. No. Is it crackers?
What is it about it that actually...

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Racism? Not unique,
it's an achievement.

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Not racism!

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You can't say that for
every question, Nish!

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What makes a British Christmas
dinner outstanding?

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Why don't you ask it
again without mumbling?

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I'm sorry, my face is full of your
shitty lemon meringue pie.

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Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
It is quite tart. A little...

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Mmm, yum-yum.
Oh, it didn't fall apart, bravo(!)

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OK, why is the British Christmas
dinner outstanding?

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Is it considered the unhealthiest or
something? Very close, yeah.

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Is it the most fatty?
It is the unhealthiest in Europe.

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A typical Christmas dinner in this
country contains 3,289 calories,

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70g of fat, 210g of carbohydrates.

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The second most calorific Christmas
dinner in the world.

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Who's the most calorific?

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Take a wild fucking guess!

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The crazy thing about
Theresa May is, obviously,

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that hardly anyone
has voted for her.

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Like, I think it's 165 MPs
have got her into power.

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I think there are more members
of the So Solid Crew

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than have voted her into power.

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You weren't elected, were you,
to this position, Dara?
I wasn't, I wasn't.

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I stole it in a bloody coup and
would do it again, my friend.

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People have disappeared from this
show, Miles, and would again,

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for raising those exact kind of
questions. I'm just...

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I'm just saying. Where's Frankie
now? Where's Russell now? Gone.

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You will be dragged through
the streets, Dara,

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you will be dragged through
the streets like Gaddafi.

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Then they'll be laughing! There are
five regulars on this show.

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How many regulars now?
Just poor, weak Hugh.

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Poor, weak Hugh.

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Hugh will always give the correct
answer when I ask him to,

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won't you, Hugh? Won't you, Hugh?
Your shoes are almost polished, sir.

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Thank you, Hugh.

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Hugh knows what's right for him.
In other news...

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I think you're terrific
on the Megabus, sir.

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I don't know if you're being
sarcastic here, Hugh.

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APPLAUSE

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And there goes the final regular.

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Just me.

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What has become the
must-see attraction

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for Chinese tourists in the UK?

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DARA COUGHS

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Is it, like, there's
this weird village in...

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Are you all right?
I've got a bit of a cough.

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Have you swallowed a moth?

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So, I'll ask the question
again, shall I? Yes.

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Rather than dying of pleurisy,
there. What has become...

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God, I hope I don't die!
That'd be awful!

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If you die in the next
while and you go,

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"Oh, I know, we never asked."

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Oh, 2016, another great gone.

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Weirdly, it's like you're
mocking me, even though I've died.

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I'm not even dead and you're going,
"Well, he's no David Bowie."

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The only thing I'm thinking is,
"Then I will have won."

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APPLAUSE

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In other news, how did a worker
at the Royal Canadian Mint

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steal ?100,000 this week?
He smuggled it out up his bottom.

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He did. He smuggled gold up his bum.

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He did. He put gold up his bum.

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Yeah, which is...
I think it's just...

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I think he overheard or misheard
a challenge where somebody said

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to him, "I can get two carrots
up my..."

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"That's nothing, mate - 18."

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I did the same thing.

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I went into Waterstones. I smuggled
Harry Potter out one page at a time.

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It's an interesting thing, though,

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that he actually has sort of done it
the right way, hasn't he?

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Cos normally when you
smuggle something,

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you hear stories of smugglers,
they swallow stuff and he's

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actually just cut out the
entire digestive system.

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He's gone in the other way.
It's much, much more effective.

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But how far has he gone in?

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I couldn't say.
I've absolutely no idea.

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When they busted him, they
went to his locker in work

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and they found just a massive
tub of Vaseline, so...

194
00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:06,700
but, yeah, you do need that
if you're smuggling.

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00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:09,700
I'd hate to think just a tub
of Vaseline is considered

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00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:13,700
incriminating evidence
that you're smuggling.

197
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,700
And if it is,
you still need a warrant!

198
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:22,700
No-one suspected anything because he
arrived at this job with a clean...

199
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:25,700
You know, no previous records.
Clean butt. Nice, clean butt.

200
00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:27,700
His CV was very good.

201
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:30,700
He'd worked at a pineapple factory,
then the umbrella factory...

202
00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:34,700
None of those had ever happened
before. Never happened before.

203
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:36,700
It would be great to be the
arresting policeman, though,

204
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,700
and he says, "Are you
going to arrest me?"

205
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:41,700
And you say,
"You bet your bottom dollar!"

206
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:44,700
Do you think before he got home

207
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:47,700
he ever, like, popped into the shops
and then was a bit short of change?

208
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,700
"20p short." "Wait there."

209
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,700
I'm not going to
continue that act out.

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Can we at least assume
he washed the gold? Of course.

211
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,700
I think it's very safe to presume
that the gold guy would have

212
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:06,700
been very suspicious if... "Oh, are
you the guy with the poo gold?"

213
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,700
Apparently the metal detectors
kept going off as he'd leave

214
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:12,700
the work and they would
frisk him and then go,

215
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,700
"Nothing. That's bizarre."

216
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:17,700
He'd go, "The perfect crime!"

217
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And then waddle out.

218
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:23,700
Sounds like the worst James Bond
villain of all time -

219
00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:25,700
"He's got a load of gold
shoved up his arse.

220
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:27,700
"He is Goldarse."

221
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:30,700
I don't think it would
be Goldarse, would it?

222
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:32,700
It'd be Goldsphincter.

223
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:36,700
APPLAUSE

224
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,700
Our next round is called Newsreel.

225
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:41,700
We play a recent piece of footage
featuring people in the news

226
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,700
and ask Hugh to suggest what
might be being said.

227
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:47,700
This week's clip features
the royal family.

228
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:51,700
"Oh, put him down, Camilla.
I'm sorry, she's insatiable.

229
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,700
"Anyway, I meant to give you this.

230
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:57,700
"Er, I don't know why.
I don't care."

231
00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:01,700
GRUFFLY: "Oh, look at this,
this is lovely.

232
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:04,700
"This will make a
lovely Christmas present.

233
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,700
"Goodness, my voice
is even lower than normal.

234
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:09,700
"I wonder if they
have any Strepsils.

235
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:12,700
"By the way, I have
already paid for this.

236
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:14,700
"I'm not walking off with it."

237
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,700
CHARLES VOICE: "Oh, for goodness'
sake, Camilla,

238
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:20,700
"put them down. It's a compulsion.
We haven't got any money."

239
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,700
"Oh, no, no, please, if you could
just pop them in the bag.

240
00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:27,700
"Very good. Thank you so much.
Lovely. Thank you."

241
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:30,700
"Erm, just a quick word in your
shell-like, Your Royal Highness.

242
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:33,700
"That is, in fact, the fourth
carrier bag your wife has filled

243
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,700
"with Christmas goodies.

244
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:39,700
"So far, she hasn't paid us for any
of them. It's a charity event."

245
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:43,700
"Don't worry,
I'll just write you a pretend IOU.

246
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:47,700
"I normally prefer to pay the way

247
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,700
"I handle my relationship
with my mother.

248
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,700
"Contactless.

249
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:56,700
"Yes, you take your hat off and
you bow, that's what you do.

250
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:59,700
"Hat off, bow.

251
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:02,700
"It may be Christmas, but I'm
still the Prince of Wales."

252
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:05,700
"Oh, look at these, he's lovely.

253
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:12,700
"Could you give me a small, furry
aviator? Could I have one, please?

254
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:14,700
"No? Miserable wanker."

255
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:17,700
"Hello, Camilla.

256
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:20,700
"We got all the goods you asked
us to obtain for you."

257
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,700
"That's lovely. Are they all here?

258
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:25,700
"Oh, what a lovely puppy.

259
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:26,700
"Could I have the puppy?

260
00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:31,700
"Look at these dogs.
What lovely dogs.

261
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:32,700
"Could I have the dogs?"

262
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:35,700
APPLAUSE

263
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:37,700
Well done, Hugh Dennis.

264
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:40,700
What do you want for
Christmas this year?

265
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,700
I don't know,
I don't want anything for Christmas.

266
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:45,700
A handjob off an elf.

267
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:48,700
The number-one gift, apparently,
for Christmas this year?

268
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,700
Nerf. Nerf guns. It's a Nerf gun.

269
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:52,700
The Nerf gun is 64 quid.

270
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:56,700
You could go to America and buy
a gun for less than that.

271
00:13:56,700 --> 00:14:00,700
It's a ludicrously scary thing, the
Nerf gun. This is the... Oh, hello!

272
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:04,700
Don't point that there!
Oi! Point that over someone else.

273
00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:07,700
I promise I'll be really careful. I
wouldn't dream of doing that to you.

274
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:10,700
Of all the people here, you're the
last person that I would fire the...

275
00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:11,700
Boom!

276
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:13,700
Oh, yeah, there's three things
you can do, right?

277
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,700
You can do this big one here.

278
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,700
Right.

279
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:22,700
Nerf is how I did this to my eyes.
I'm just saying.

280
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:25,700
I'm just warning you.
OK, I'll get him instead.

281
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:27,700
Are we OK to sacrifice you for this?
I guess so.

282
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,700
And then you can re-use them.

283
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:32,700
I bet you could catch that
in your teeth, Ed.

284
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,700
I'm fairly certain there's an
instruction manual that says,

285
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:37,700
"Do not aim at people's faces"!
Yeah, there is.

286
00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:39,700
Please remember that I am a
special man with special powers

287
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:40,700
and do not try this at home.

288
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:46,700
APPLAUSE

289
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:48,700
How far will it get?
How far do you think it will get?

290
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:53,700
I don't know, but if he hits any of
you, sue the shit out of him.

291
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:57,700
All that money they're saving on
Bake Off now can go to you!

292
00:14:58,700 --> 00:14:59,700
Can it get to the back?

293
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:02,700
I mean, I feel it can be
unnecessarily powerful, this thing.

294
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:05,700
OK? Yes, I certainly feel that.
Yeah.

295
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:08,700
Whoa!

296
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,700
Oh, now! Good catch! Well done!

297
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:17,700
Respect. That is, I'm estimating,
seven gardens away.

298
00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:21,700
So you asked,
"What do you want for Christmas?"

299
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:23,700
so you could then shoot us?

300
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:28,700
APPLAUSE

301
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:30,700
He's still got the hump with me,
James,

302
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:31,700
because he got heckled in Derby

303
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:33,700
because they wouldn't
shake his hand.

304
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,700
I always shake people's hands after
the show and, in Derby,

305
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:38,700
I was there the week before and
shook everyone's hand

306
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,700
and then someone walked out of his
show and went,

307
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,700
"At least Rob Beckett
shook our hand!"

308
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:44,700
That actually happened!
Can you believe it?

309
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:46,700
He shakes people's hands
on the way out the door

310
00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:47,700
like a little kiss-arse.

311
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,700
Here's what most of us do, right?

312
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,700
We do our stand-up and then we go,
"That'll be enough,"

313
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:56,700
and we go back, cos that's our job,

314
00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:58,700
and Rob goes, "Please like me"
at the door.

315
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:03,700
It's pathetic!

316
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:04,700
APPLAUSE

317
00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:09,700
I'm just thankful they came, James,
and, to be fair, like, you know,

318
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:13,700
it's only four people
you've got to shake, so...

319
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,700
Listen, here's what's
annoying about it, right?

320
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:18,700
I got heckled with this thing,
"Well, Rob Beckett shook our hands."

321
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:20,700
What else did they say?
What else did they...

322
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:21,700
James, what else did they say?

323
00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,700
"And he had proper jokes."

324
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,700
APPLAUSE

325
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:36,700
So then I was like, right,
for a joke, then, at the end,

326
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:39,700
I said goodnight, and then I legged
it downstairs to the door

327
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,700
and I shook all their hands on the
way out, however...

328
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:44,700
Yeah, four of them, but, like,
shaking all of their hands,

329
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:47,700
and when the last one went out -
and it was clearly a joke

330
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:48,700
that I was doing to
make fun of Rob -

331
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,700
and the last one went out and the
venue manager came up to me

332
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:53,700
and went, "Thanks for doing that.
It really means a lot to them

333
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,700
"when people take the time
to shake their hands."

334
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:57,700
"It was a joke!"

335
00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:58,700
I'm not Rob Beckett!

336
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:01,700
Yeah, but the thing is, let's be
honest, I didn't have many other

337
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:04,700
options open to me career-wise so
I'm just very thankful they turn up.

338
00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:07,700
Genuinely, because without them,
I would probably be on the street.

339
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:09,700
Yeah. At the end of my shows, I say,

340
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:12,700
"I've been James Acaster
and I could have been anything."

341
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:13,700
And I walk off.

342
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,700
Why would you want to be
given clothes as

343
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:21,700
a Christmas present in Iceland?

344
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:25,700
Cos it's really cold. It's cold.
It's freezing there.

345
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,700
It's a land of ice, Dara!

346
00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:29,700
Is it because you can take them
back and get the money back

347
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:31,700
in exchange for the clothes?

348
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:34,700
No. It's not that perfectly,
practically good reason.

349
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:36,700
Clothes is just a good
present wherever you are.

350
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:39,700
Oh, God, yes, I know, OK,
the question...

351
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:40,700
Is it cos people don't have clothes?

352
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:43,700
I'm sorry, are you getting
exasperated at us trying to think

353
00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:47,700
of humorous answers to ridiculous
questions that you're posing?

354
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:50,700
Should we just try our hardest to
come up with the correct answer?

355
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:54,700
Would that slightly miss
the point of a comedy quiz?

356
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,700
Is it cos normally they
sell frozen food?

357
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:04,700
The reason you should be given
clothes as a Christmas present

358
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:08,700
in Iceland is to stop you
getting eaten by the Yule Cat.

359
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,700
Or Jola...Jolakotturinn.

360
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:20,700
You know what? I wonder why you
didn't get the QI presenting job.

361
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,700
There's got to be one show you
don't present, hasn't there?

362
00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:25,700
There has to be, yeah.

363
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:27,700
What might you expect to eat at
Christmas in Japan?

364
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:29,700
Food. Yes.

365
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:30,700
Sushi. No.

366
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:32,700
Sashimi. No.

367
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:35,700
Don't just name all Japanese
things you can think of.

368
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:36,700
Wagamamas.

369
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,700
APPLAUSE

370
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:44,700
A bucket of...?
Eels. Turkey. That's not a clue!

371
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:47,700
It's a really good clue!
A bucket of...? Fried chicken.

372
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:49,700
Fried chicken! Is it fried chicken?!
It's fried chicken, Nish!

373
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:52,700
APPLAUSE

374
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:55,700
Not just any fried chicken...
Kentucky Fried Chicken?

375
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:56,700
Kentucky Fried Chicken.

376
00:18:56,700 --> 00:19:01,700
Since 1974, KFC has marketed itself
in Japan as a Christmas food...

377
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:03,700
Oh, very clever.
..with the advertising phrase...

378
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,700
QUICKLY: .."Kentucky for Christmas."

379
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:06,700
I beg your pardon?!

380
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:09,700
Say that again?

381
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,700
Kentucky-fu-Christmas.

382
00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:16,700
In other news, what's going on here?

383
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:18,700
Oh, is this the first shots
of Channel 4's Bake Off?

384
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:23,700
Well, they had to get
somebody to do it.

385
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,700
By the way, any comments
we make about Bake Off,

386
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,700
this is done on a Tuesday,

387
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,700
things are all just breaking,
Mel and Sue are not doing it,

388
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,700
who knows who's going
to be doing it?

389
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,700
It's a situation that we
don't know by Friday,

390
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:38,700
but can I just say I'm really
excited to be taking over?

391
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:44,700
I find it quite insulting that
you've even made a joke assuming

392
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,700
that you'd take it over

393
00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:49,700
when I've actually hosted
episodes of the Bake Off!

394
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,700
I've actually done it!

395
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:55,700
Yeah, for charity.
I'd do it for money.

396
00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:57,700
APPLAUSE

397
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,700
Sorry, do you think that
kids might confuse

398
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:05,700
Corbyn with Father Christmas?

399
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:07,700
Because he's got a beard, hasn't he?

400
00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:09,700
He's promised people
lots of presents

401
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,700
and adults laugh at you
for believing in him.

402
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:15,700
Yes! It's a Christmas joke!

403
00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:17,700
APPLAUSE

404
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:21,700
CHANTING: Christmas! Christmas!
Christmas!

405
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:24,700
You have, you've not
just saved Christmas,

406
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:26,700
you've saved the Christmas special.

407
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,700
Cos maybe she's saying
something like,

408
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:34,700
"See? It's all right if we
go into work together.

409
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,700
"No-one will make fun of you."

410
00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:38,700
And no-one has made fun
of you, have they?

411
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:43,700
They haven't cos it's been bring
your partner to work day,

412
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,700
and Sara's brought John,

413
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,700
and it's a historical
thing for the show.

414
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,700
We've never had...

415
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:55,700
Which Labour MP would you turn to if
you wanted to buy a washing machine?

416
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:56,700
Probably none of them.

417
00:20:58,700 --> 00:21:01,700
I'm much more likely to
go to Currys PC World.

418
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:08,700
And when the princess
announced that she had...

419
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:09,700
LAUGHTER

420
00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:13,700
Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
It's become a running joke!

421
00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:19,700
Moving on, how is the Labour
leadership contest shaping up?

422
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:20,700
There's no-one there, Dara.

423
00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:26,700
Should have gone to Specsavers.

424
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,700
Is it, "How many people
say 'No' when they..."

425
00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:34,700
Oh, fuck off, Rob.

426
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:37,700
Is it, "How many people say
no when they get asked,

427
00:21:37,700 --> 00:21:39,700
" 'Have you been
to Nando's before?' "

428
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:43,700
Because it's a pretty popular
place, and most people go, "Yeah."

429
00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:48,700
LAUGHTER

430
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:52,700
It's a joke, innit? It's a
fucking joke, that's what you want.

431
00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:57,700
How long does it take
Craig David to...

432
00:21:57,700 --> 00:22:00,700
comprehensively seduce 26.6 women?

433
00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:03,700
Does he say that?

434
00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:06,700
"You have been
comprehensively seduced"?

435
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,700
Miles, how would you
comprehensively seduce someone?

436
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:11,700
Ah, you know when it's over, Rob.

437
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:18,700
I'm Dara O Briain. I'm, like, in
a mind jail of my own creation.

438
00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:21,700
I'm forced to say my own name
over and over again.

439
00:22:21,700 --> 00:22:23,700
Save me. Save me now.

440
00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:25,700
Obama's had an interesting week.

441
00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:27,700
What happened between him and the
leader of the Philippines?

442
00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:29,700
We don't need the others.

443
00:22:31,700 --> 00:22:33,700
APPLAUSE

444
00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:41,700
Hi, I'm Dara O Briain
and I'm sick of this shit.

445
00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:42,700
Oh!

446
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:43,700
APPLAUSE

447
00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:47,700
Why might Italian kids
be eating this?

448
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:50,700
Now, you can get
a clear view of that.

449
00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:54,700
Because things have gone very badly
wrong in the Italian economy.

450
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:56,700
They're called coal sweets.

451
00:22:56,700 --> 00:22:58,700
It's from the tradition of
giving naughty children coal.

452
00:22:58,700 --> 00:23:01,700
This is a sweet that looks
like coal, apparently.

453
00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:04,700
It's called carbone dolce. Er...

454
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:08,700
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sat next to
you and I haven't got any goggles!

455
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:10,700
Right, and so...

456
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:13,700
LAUGHTER

457
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:18,700
This may take some time.

458
00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:21,700
If someone tunes in now, it's going
to look like your science show

459
00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:25,700
has gone right down the toilet,
Dara. That should do it.

460
00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:28,700
There we go. Beautiful.

461
00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:31,700
You first? That is...
Yes, or pass it on.

462
00:23:31,700 --> 00:23:35,700
That is the traditional
gift for bad children.

463
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:38,700
What, this is what you get if
you're a bad child? Do you eat it?

464
00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:40,700
Yeah, you eat it. Yeah.

465
00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:42,700
Oh, my word!
It's like nanna's ashes!

466
00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:47,700
"Tastes like nanna's ashes."

467
00:23:47,700 --> 00:23:49,700
That's a heart-warming Christmas
story right there, isn't it?

468
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:53,700
That is sugary! Wow. It's just two
types of sugar and egg, that's all.

469
00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:56,700
You look like the bloke from
The Incredibles, I think.

470
00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:01,700
APPLAUSE

471
00:24:01,700 --> 00:24:04,700
There's a touch of the
Minions about you.

472
00:24:07,700 --> 00:24:09,700
I can't be both Gru and the Minions.

473
00:24:09,700 --> 00:24:11,700
I can't.

474
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:14,700
That's what you want to do with
naughty children -

475
00:24:14,700 --> 00:24:15,700
fill them full of sugar.

476
00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:19,700
They'll sit still and behave.

477
00:24:21,700 --> 00:24:22,700
Put that away.

478
00:24:22,700 --> 00:24:26,700
Oh, that was awful. It was shit,
wasn't it?

479
00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:27,700
You'll notice I didn't eat it.

480
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:30,700
I didn't have any of it.
Oh, no, you haven't. What?

481
00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:32,700
Poisoned it.

482
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:35,700
To be the king of the show
at the end of Christmas!

483
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:36,700
You think that would be
what I would want?

484
00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:39,700
Yeah, I want to kill the other six
people on the Christmas special

485
00:24:39,700 --> 00:24:42,700
and just end with the six of
you slumped and me going,

486
00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:44,700
"Have a wonderful Christmas."

487
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:51,700
That is absolutely despicable, Dara.

488
00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:56,700
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

489
00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:01,700
No! You've got me
hatching a master plan.

490
00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:04,700
Christ, this Gru thing
is never going away.

491
00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:07,700
Personally, I also don't believe
you would ever do it.

492
00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:11,700
At the end of that,

493
00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:15,700
only the living may receive
points at the end of our quiz.

494
00:25:15,700 --> 00:25:19,700
Yes, that's all from Mock The Week.

495
00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:23,700
I did it! I did it like
you told me to do it.

496
00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:29,700
What? Now I have to do
the audience as well?

497
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:31,700
They'll not fall for it again.

498
00:25:31,700 --> 00:25:33,700
But we'll try.

499
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:36,700
APPLAUSE

500
00:25:38,700 --> 00:25:41,700
OK, the next topic is
Unlikely Lines From A Horror Film.

501
00:25:44,700 --> 00:25:45,700
"I know what you did last summer,

502
00:25:45,700 --> 00:25:49,700
"because you keep posting all
your boring shit on Facebook."

503
00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:51,700
APPLAUSE

504
00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:55,700
"I'd rather you not say 'zombie',

505
00:25:55,700 --> 00:25:57,700
"the term now is
'differently alive'."

506
00:26:00,700 --> 00:26:01,700
APPLAUSE

507
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:08,700
"I have a message
from the other side.

508
00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:11,700
" 'We have Bake Off now!' "

509
00:26:13,700 --> 00:26:16,700
APPLAUSE

510
00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:19,700
"The ghost is trying to
say something to us.

511
00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:21,700
" 'Old Kent Road'...

512
00:26:21,700 --> 00:26:23,700
" 'Community chest'...

513
00:26:23,700 --> 00:26:26,700
" 'Go to jai...' Sorry, I didn't
have time to get a Ouija board."

514
00:26:30,700 --> 00:26:32,700
"Oh, my God, everybody run!

515
00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,700
"Oh, no, it's just some
fat prick with a Nerf gun."

516
00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:43,700
I think you mean a broken Nerf gun.

517
00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:48,700
For example,
this bit shouldn't do this.

518
00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:54,700
"It's alive! It's alive!

519
00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:56,700
"Oh, no, sorry, it's dead.

520
00:26:56,700 --> 00:26:57,700
"I really am an awful vet."

521
00:27:01,700 --> 00:27:05,700
"I'm afraid I have no
choice but to kill you...

522
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:08,700
"because I've already chosen to
shag and marry your two friends."

523
00:27:12,700 --> 00:27:15,700
"28 Days Later,
a horrifying journey of

524
00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:18,700
"a man going from Three Bridges to
East Croydon with Southern."

525
00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:22,700
APPLAUSE

526
00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:27,700
"I see dead people...

527
00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:29,700
"Oh, no, my bad,
it's Keith Richards."

528
00:27:32,700 --> 00:27:34,700
"Get back, you demons! You devils!

529
00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:39,700
"Get away, Satan spawn,
back from whence you came!

530
00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:40,700
"That was a party
political broadcast

531
00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:43,700
"on behalf of the
UK Independence Party."

532
00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:44,700
APPLAUSE

533
00:27:47,700 --> 00:27:49,700
"Here's Johnny!

534
00:27:49,700 --> 00:27:51,700
"And then I'm going to
put it on my willy!

535
00:27:51,700 --> 00:27:55,700
"And then we're going to have sexy!"

536
00:28:03,700 --> 00:28:06,700
"Sir, there's been another attack
by the undead in Wimbledon.

537
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,700
"No, not zombies this time.

538
00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:09,700
"Zombles."

539
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:14,700
APPLAUSE

540
00:28:15,700 --> 00:28:17,700
LAUGHTER

541
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:23,700
"A seance?

542
00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:26,700
"No! I've been
pronouncing it 'se-yon-say'!"

543
00:28:32,700 --> 00:28:36,700
Next topic is Unlikely Things To
Hear At Christmas.

544
00:28:39,700 --> 00:28:44,700
"Oh, John, thank you so much
for my electric toothbrush.

545
00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:46,700
"No, it's everything
I wanted and more.

546
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:49,700
"Oh, you got lots of Nectar
points on it? Good."

547
00:28:49,700 --> 00:28:51,700
APPLAUSE

548
00:28:58,700 --> 00:28:59,700
Do the fork and take a pew.

549
00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:04,700
This one might run for a while.

550
00:29:04,700 --> 00:29:09,700
"Oh, Sara, a holiday to Barbados?

551
00:29:09,700 --> 00:29:12,700
"That's going to help in
the fight against plaque."

552
00:29:14,700 --> 00:29:15,700
APPLAUSE

553
00:29:19,700 --> 00:29:23,700
"It's Christmas? Today?

554
00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:25,700
"Are you sure?

555
00:29:25,700 --> 00:29:28,700
"The shops have kept
that very quiet."

556
00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:30,700
APPLAUSE

557
00:29:32,700 --> 00:29:35,700
"Oh, look, everyone has eaten
all the nuts I bought.

558
00:29:35,700 --> 00:29:36,700
"I should buy some more."

559
00:29:46,700 --> 00:29:48,700
LAUGHTER

560
00:29:52,700 --> 00:29:54,700
"Leg or breast?

561
00:29:54,700 --> 00:29:57,700
"I'd really rather you just put
your clothes back on, Gran."

562
00:30:00,700 --> 00:30:03,700
"I'd just like to be reassure
everyone that the sponsorship deal

563
00:30:03,700 --> 00:30:05,700
"will have no effect
on this year's Nativity.

564
00:30:05,700 --> 00:30:09,700
"Now, Joseph, if you could just pop
Jesus in the Pret a Manger."

565
00:30:09,700 --> 00:30:10,700
APPLAUSE

566
00:30:13,700 --> 00:30:17,700
♪ Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire... ♪

567
00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:19,700
Mmm, Christmas with a vegan.

568
00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:24,700
APPLAUSE

569
00:30:24,700 --> 00:30:27,700
"This is your Christmas
and birthday present.

570
00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:29,700
"Yes, it IS a turkey
with 16 candles stuck in it."

571
00:30:33,700 --> 00:30:35,700
"We always have a goose
here at Christmas.

572
00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:37,700
"I don't know why, really.

573
00:30:37,700 --> 00:30:40,700
"Its conversation is terrible and
it shits all over the floor."

574
00:30:42,700 --> 00:30:45,700
"No, I will not calm down, Alfred.
Did you hear what they were singing?

575
00:30:45,700 --> 00:30:48,700
" 'Jingle bells, Batman smells' "?

576
00:30:48,700 --> 00:30:49,700
"They're not the original lyrics!

577
00:30:49,700 --> 00:30:52,700
"They wrote that to
hurt my feelings!"

578
00:30:52,700 --> 00:30:54,700
APPLAUSE

579
00:30:55,700 --> 00:30:59,700
"Yeah, a good tip for sprouts
is to slice them very thinly,

580
00:30:59,700 --> 00:31:00,700
"drizzle them in olive oil,

581
00:31:00,700 --> 00:31:03,700
"throw them in the bin and
drink a bottle of red wine."

582
00:31:03,700 --> 00:31:05,700
APPLAUSE

583
00:31:05,700 --> 00:31:08,700
"50 Shades Of Grey!
Yes, I'm well good at charades.

584
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:09,700
"Put your top back on, Nan."

585
00:31:13,700 --> 00:31:17,700
"Oh, I just wish that
Monopoly lasted longer."

586
00:31:18,700 --> 00:31:22,700
Yeah, I said it! It's a shit game!

587
00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:25,700
"Yes, little Annabel, I did say we
were going to see The Snowman,

588
00:31:25,700 --> 00:31:27,700
"but I should have explained
The Snowman

589
00:31:27,700 --> 00:31:29,700
"is what I call my coke dealer."

590
00:31:33,700 --> 00:31:35,700
"What the fuck is eggnog?"

591
00:31:35,700 --> 00:31:37,700
APPLAUSE

592
00:31:40,700 --> 00:31:45,700
Boom, there you go. I'm sending out
Christmas wishes to everybody!

593
00:31:45,700 --> 00:31:48,700
Christmas wishes! Take my
Christmas wish in the head!

594
00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:50,700
Go on, take that!

595
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:51,700
Oh, for God's sake,

596
00:31:51,700 --> 00:31:54,700
This is the least festive
one of these we've ever done.