_
(UPBEAT SHOW TUNE)
SONG: ♪ Oh, fancy! ♪
♪ That is what my mother said ♪
♪ As I danced out ♪
♪ From between her legs ♪
♪ 'Cause I had something ♪
♪ All the other boys didn't have ♪
♪ And it was the one thing ♪
♪ All the people longed to have ♪
♪ It's fancy ♪
♪ And you can't buy it, baby ♪
♪ Oh, no. ♪
(LIGHTS BUZZ)
(CLATTERING INSIDE)
(MIXER WHIRRS)
Oh, Hamish, get out of it, please? God!
- They've just come out of the oven. - (GIRL CALLS OUT) Duck!
- Yeah, I'm sure you did, darl. - MAN: Hey?
Hey, can we move 160 units for a wedding in two weeks?
Dom, we're a macaron company, not miracle workers. Look at me.
I'm already arse-deep in orders
since your licorice marked as blackcurrant stuff-up.
Get out of here! That's it.
I've had enough, I've had enough. Get out!
That's pretty rough.
(SIGHS) Sorry.
I'm sorry. It's just the fourth day of this heatwave.
That fan's not cutting it, love.
I'm gonna have a beer. You keen?
No, I'm working on this.
Dad, can we go in the pool? Come on. You, me and...
That's a good idea. Yes. Come on.
- Sorry, guys. Work Dad today. - Aww.
- Maybe later. - TV: Pool party! Pool party!
Pool Man! Pool Man!
You bring the pool, I'll bring the party!
Der! (GUFFAWS)
We're gonna have a lot of fun in the pool, kids.
I'm gonna swim with ya!
My name's Noel and I'm a big, bloody pool man.
(CHUCKLES)
There's lots of fun activities that we can do in the pool.
We'll have a bomb dive competition. Derp!
(SPLASH!)
Underwater running race.
Der!
Wet surprise!
I've got me working with children check,
so come on and hire Uncle Noel, OK?
(CHUCKLES) Der!
VOICEOVER: Call Noel on 1700-Pool-Party.
(WHISPERS) Yes, yes, yes. Say yes.
- No! - Come on!
You can do your work and...
WOMAN: He's got a TV ad. He's harmless.
Come on. Think of the quiet time.
Please?
- Alright. - KIDS: Yay!
Whoo! Surprise pool party! Pool party!
(TENSE MUSIC)
MAN: Just down here, Mr President.
MAN 2: Gonna take me a few days to get used to being called that.
Well, it suits you, sir.
Now, this first meeting today
is with the Department of Science and Technology.
I haven't seen this part of the White House before.
This area is top-secret.
Only a handful of people know it exists.
It doesn't even appear on the building blueprints.
(EXHALES) OK.
Now, this meeting is beyond my clearance level,
so I'll wait for you here, sir.
(MACHINERY WHIRRS)
Thanks, Thomas.
Ah, welcome, Mr President, and congratulations on your victory.
Thank you very much.
Now, sir, the purpose of this meeting is to fill you in
on a specific task which you are required to perform
and I must warn you, it's...
... a difficult job.
Well, I... I never expected this job to be easy.
(CHUCKLES) Well, sir,
there is a general belief that all of our technological advancements
have come through scientist research
and as a scientist, it's difficult for me to say this,
but ever since the industrial revolution,
this has not really been the case.
In fact, all of our technological advancements
have been provided by...
(BUZZER BLARES)
(MACHINERY CLUTTERS AND WHIRRS)
(ALARM BEEPS)
... Trevor.
Huh, how's it goin'?
I look forward to working with you, Mr President. (CHUCKLES)
Is this... is this a joke?
This is no joke, sir.
For many years, Trevor has been providing us
with alien technology which we pass off as our own.
Yeah, I'm really helpful.
I... I don't understand.
That's OK, sir.
We've made a video to help you understand.
Yeah, I'm... I'm in this video.
Yes, you are, Trevor.
(COMPUTER BLIPS) (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ON VIDEO)
VIDEO: Hello!
I'm an alien from another planet
and I came to Earth to provide you
with lots of new, cool inventions.
For example, the telephone.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hello?
Hello!
I also invented the computer,
the light bulb,
car radios,
those weird eggs that you use
to shave off the dead skin from your footsies
and the megaphone.
Good work, Trevor!
Thanks!
And all I ask in return
is that the most powerful man in the world
pleasure me with his sweet mouth for every invention I provide.
(TREVOR LAUGHS ON VIDEO)
Ooh!
You...
... you...
... you want... me to... to...
Suck me off. Ooh-hoo-hoo! (CHUCKLES)
Oh, did you read this?
It says here some 22-year-old woman
was found kidnapped and locked up in some sicko's basement.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It says she was there for five years before they found her.
Oh, my God.
Oh, and get this.
Apparently, it was a couple that did it.
Can you believe that?
This is, like, the fifth time
I've read about some couple kidnapping someone.
You know, you can imagine some lonely guy doing it, but a couple?
I mean, how would you even
bring that up to your partner, you know?
It's like, "Oh, honey, I think we should kidnap someone, you know?"
And it's like, "Oh, OK. Yeah, let's do that."
Yeah, I don't know. (CHUCKLES)
(GENTLE MUSIC)
I guess you'd, like, raise it as a joke at first
and then, you know, slowly gauge her reaction
and then, you know, if she freaks out you'd just pretend you were joking.
Yeah, I suppose.
Hey, honey, we should kidnap someone.
James! Eugh.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, our place is kind of perfect for it.
You know, the basement's huge and the walls are really thick,
so, you know, the neighbours wouldn't hear anything.
You're not actually saying that you want to do this?
No! Baby, I'm joking again.
Jesus, what do you think of me?
(CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES) Hello. - WOMAN: Hello.
- How're you going? - Good. How are you?
Yeah, good, thanks. Where are the kiddies at?
- They're just around the back. - OK.
Oh, watch the noodle to the head!
- Oh, hello! - BOY: Pool Man!
- BOTH: Yay! Whey-hey! - Yeah, Pool Man's here!
Time for fun. Don't worry, Mum and Dad.
I've got a hawk eye for the slips and trips
and I'm a fully qualified surf lifesaver.
So come on, kids. Let's go play in the pool!
Go, guys! Go! Yeah! Go!
- Have fun! - Leave!
(CHUCKLES) Oh, don't.
Oh, God, that's so much better.
Tell you what, you do those accounts,
do me an ingredients order, right, and if you help me here,
I reckon we'll be done in, like, three hours.
Great.
Might even have time for cheeky cocktails before Pool Man leaves.
Me likey. Hey, Lise?
- Yeah. - Beer me.
Yes! Now we're talking. Let's go.
Whe-hey!
Come on, kids. Jump in the pool now!
- GIRL: Yay! - Come on! Whoo!
- Oh, you want a turn on the croc? - Yeah.
Let's jump on. Whoo!
Big crocky-crocker, swimming in the pool. Ha-ha-ha!
We're getting in the deep end here. Oh!
Hey... Oh!
Hey-hey-hey!
We're headed... (COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS) ... the croc...
- Crocodile spin. - Yay!
(COUGHS) Oh, do you guys smell burnt toast?
(KIDS SHOUT AND LAUGH OUTSIDE)
- Ohh. - Mmm.
(CHUCKLES)
- Hello. - Hi.
- Mmm. - Mm.
Hey, wet surprise?
(LAUGHS) Mmm.
Ohh...
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
- Dad. - Ohh!
- Hamish. - G'day, mate.
What are you doing here? How about back to Pool Man?
He won't wake up.
I thought he was weird. He's probably drunk.
Mate, it's one thing to be lazy, but what are you doing?
Wake up, lazy man!
Oh, shit.
Oh, God. Come here!
- Come on. Out you get. - Mate? Mate?
Noel? Noel?
Noel? Mate?
Dom, how is he?
Oh, God.
So let me get this straight.
You want me to suck an alien's dick to get gadgets?
Inventions, sir,
important technology that could save the world.
Like a megaphone? He also invented the internet.
(SIGHS)
There must be another way.
Hey, if you don't wanna do it,
I've got the Chinese on speed dial.
Hello, operator? China, please.
Trevor, no!
Just give us a minute.
I see what's happening. I see what's happening.
This is like a... like a hazing ritual, right,
where you get every new president down here
and you do this little prank and you get a reaction
and everybody has a laugh, right?
It's no prank, sir.
And, yes, every president has done this.
Every President has sucked that fat alien's cock?
Hey! I'm very sensitive about my weight.
So Nixon sucked your dick?
Oh, yes, Tricky Dicky sucked my dicky. (CHUCKLES)
- Clinton? - Yeah.
He was kinky, though. We had to have a safe word.
Well, that makes sense.
FDR?
Oh, wheelchair boy? He was my very favourite.
Roll on up, roll on up!
Roll on up and have a cheeky little suck. (CHUCKLES)
But that Kennedy, he was a naughty boy.
He wouldn't give me suckies
and we all know what happened to him.
Pow! (LAUGHS)
Jesus Christ.
Sir, think of how many people you could help,
the lives you could save.
This is for your country,
the United States of America.
JOHN F. KENNEDY'S VOICE: Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask what you can do for your country.
OBAMA'S VOICE: Yes, we can.
(CROWD CHANTS) Yes, we can!
- (CRACKS JAW) - OBAMA'S VOICE: Yes, we can.
(CROWD CHANTS) Yes, we can! Yes, we can!
Good boy. (CHUCKLES)
Oop!
Go on.
Yeah, there you go.
(CHUCKLES) Why don't you open the hatch
and take a look inside?
There's a present for you
and it's my dick.
- (LAUGHS) - (SQUELCHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
Hey, you know how earlier we were talking about
how weird it is that couples sometimes kidnap someone?
Yes.
Well, I was thinking about it and what I think happens
is that maybe they don't both want to do it at first,
but then, you know, they try it...
OK, why are we talking about this? Do you want to kidnap a girl?
Is that what you wanna do? Because I don't.
- I don't either! - Then why are we talking about it?
Me? You were the one talking about it at breakfast.
- Do you want to kidnap someone? - No, I don't.
Well, good, then. That's perfect. It's settled.
Jesus, Karen.
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
Hamish, Kelly, bloody get inside!
Go!
Ohh!
Dom, the police said not to touch him till they get here.
Well, I hope they bring a crane.
Dom!
There goes work for today.
Dom, a man has died, OK? He's right there.
KIDS: We wanna swim!
- Guys... - We wanna swim!
I'm sorry, but you just need to stay out of the pool
to let the Pool Man... sleep.
He's having a sleep, alright? Just leave it.
(BOTH) We wanna swim! We wanna swim!
We wanna swim! We wanna swim! We wanna swim!
Yay, we won!
Yeah, just stay on this side of the floaty wall, kids, OK?
HAMISH: Yeah, Mum. Yay!
Whoa! Up. Yeah!
Whey!
- (SQUELCHING) - TREVOR: Oh, fuck!
Ooh, yeah. Ooh.
Yes, we come! Ooh!
(TREVOR GROANS)
Oh, that was a good one. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, here's your new technology.
(GRUNTS)
(CACKLES)
Are you fucking kidding me?
It's a... a cell phone.
It's a Smartel.
- Smartel? - Yeah.
It's the latest in mobile phone technology.
You can check your eBays if you connect it to a serial port.
And it has three apps:
Faceword, Virtual Cork Board and Settings.
If you suck me off again, I might consider adding a clock feature.
(CHUCKLES)
I just sucked your dick for half an hour
and the world-helping invention you gave me
is a goddamn off-brand cell phone?!
Hey, stop raggin' on me fuckin' Smartel. It's alright.
I'm telling you, you'll get up to 2,000 baht
for one of them in Thailand.
They'll be all the rage on Khao San Road.
2,000 baht?
Yeah, US$ 56
and that's with no start-up costs, no lock-in contract
and unlimited calls.
I mean, it's a pretty fuckin' good deal, I reckon.
What the fuck is going on?
Sir, it's your first day.
The better you get at this, the better the technology will be.
- Ooh... - (LOW GRUMBLING)
I think I feel a new piece of technology coming on. Yeah.
Oh, oh, Mr President, this one could be a cure for cancer.
But there's only one way to find out.
You're gonna have to suck me off again. (CHUCKLES)
Are you ready for round two?
Come on. (CHUCKLES LOWLY)
Let's have another crack.
Good boy's back again.
(TRAPDOOR CREAKS)
Ooh...
James, what is going on?
There is a woman tied up in our basement.
I know, just like we talked about.
Oh, my God. I can't believe we finally did it.
- Jesus, James, what have you done? - What do you mean?
- We said we were gonna do this. - No, we didn't!
OK, well, I'm pretty sure we agreed this was a good idea.
Absolutely not. Oh, my God! James, what are we gonna do?
Well, we've got an hour. I say we just act normal.
Go through with the original plan.
- What plan? - We keep her tied up in the basement.
Every day we feed her a bucket of bacon,
play her a bit of Mungo Jerry
and just kinda keep her locked up forever.
Have you gone insane?
- Me? This was your idea. - I'm gonna call the police.
- Oh, no, baby. - Oh!
Listen, let's just relax, OK?
How about we fry up a little bit of bacon,
get her eating it down in the basement,
pop on a bit of Mungo Jerry
and, you know, just see what happens from there?
Huh?
Alright, let's get cooking, OK?
Come on.
There we go.
(KIDS SHOUT AND LAUGH)
I love having sneaky drinks with you.
Yeah.
- (BIRD CAWS) - Oh, yuck, there's a bird on him.
Hamish, get that bird off him, mate.
You're on bird duty now. Thanks.
(BIRD SQUAWKS)
(KIDS SHOUT AND PLAY)
Ohh! Oh, what a dickhead!
You have done yourself one royal mischief.
Oh, I'm all sticky.
Yuck! What am I gonna do?
Get in the pool?
HAMISH: Whoa!
Oh, I'll be in and out.
Yeah.
KELLY: Swim, Mummy! Swim now, Mummy!
Right.
Whoo! Oh, it's nice!
Oh, Dom, it's like a spritzer in here.
- Come on! - Ohh...
(ALL CHANT) Swim, Daddy! Swim, Daddy!
Swim, Daddy! Swim, Daddy! Swim, Daddy! Swim, Daddy!
Swim, Daddy! Swim, Daddy! Swim, Daddy!
(ALL CONTINUE CHANTING)
- Arggh! - Yay!
(ALL CHEER AND LAUGH)
HAMISH: Oh, no! Oh, God.
- Yeah, push him down. - Come on, mate.
Whoo! Ooh!
(ALL SHOUT)
Yay!
- Whoa! Whoa! - Oh, my God.
- It's nice, actually. - You've done well.
I was so hot. This is so much better.
Yeah!
No, no! Oh, I touched him!
(KIDS CHATTER AND LAUGH)
Sir, is everything OK?
Yeah, it was just a...
... it was a tough meeting.
Sir, it's your first day. It's a lot to take in.
Yeah.
Sir, it's nearly midday.
We have three meetings this afternoon.
You must be getting hungry.
(GAGS)
Jesus, sir, what's wrong? Get a medic up here now!
No, no! Just... just stop.
Stop, stop, stop, OK?
- I'm OK. - Sir...
- It's just something I ate. - Are you sure?
Are you sure you're OK?
(TREMBLES) Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.
Jesus, Mr President...
... is that come?
(MUNGO JERRY PLAYS IN ROOM)
Oh, boy! She does not like bacon at all.
I'm sorry, James.
(GRUNTS) How could you, Karen?!
We were in it together. You and me, baby.
Bonnie and Clyde! In it together, forever!
I had nothing to do with this.
She was the main part!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Mungo Jerry.
Suspect has been apprehended.
Yep, copy that.
OK, here we go!
Oh, that's a let. Serve again.
Yeah! Oh!
- Yeah! - Ohh!
- Hah! - (ALL LAUGH)
Babe, we're out of fresh limes.
Oh, hello!
You should all know what's happened here today is totally unacceptable.
Oh, it's not like it was a crime scene.
It is a crime scene until I say it's not
and actually interfering with a corpse is a very serious crime.
We didn't move him.
So he died while you were using him as a volleyball net?
No, we were playing volleyball...
Yeah, and he kind of, like, just floated through the middle.
Well, the kids had the ball and... (LAUGHTER)
A man is dead!
OK?
Now, at this stage I'm not gonna charge you,
but you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
'Bye, lazy man!
Oh, no, she's talking to the corpse, not to you. You're right.
See ya.
Dad, today was the best fun day we've had in ages.
Yeah, it was.
Cheers, Noel.
- To Pool Man. - ALL: To Pool Man!
Dad, can I have a sip?
Yeah.
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
- Oh, bloody hell. Have a look at this. - Mmm?
Apparently a couple were arrested for kidnapping some poor girl.
Oh, it's horrible. Ohh.
A couple.
How does a couple kidnap someone?
It's wrong. I mean, it... it's really wrong.
synced and corrected by susinz www.addic7ed.com
(THEME MUSIC)
DOM: And recording.
"Oh, I'm so hungry, but I only ever eat
the nummiest treats.
Hah! What's this?
It's a macaron"
from Happy Little Macarons."
(MUNCHES) "Mmm!
That's the nummiest thing
I've ever eaten.
That is good shit."
KELLY: Mum, you swore!
Yeah, we can't post it if you swear.
Cutting.
Oh, I'll go again.