(UPBEAT MUSIC)
SONG: ♪ Oh, fancy! ♪
♪ That is what my mother said ♪
♪ As I danced out ♪
♪ From between her legs ♪
♪ 'Cause I had something ♪
♪ All the other boys didn't have ♪
♪ And it was the one thing ♪
♪ All the people longed to have ♪
♪ It's fancy ♪
♪ And you can't buy it, baby ♪
♪ Oh, no. ♪
And there's, uh... there's one more thing.
Dad, this is too much, the clothes were good.
It's alright, it's your 18th birthday, you deserve it.
Go on.
No. Dad, you can't give me the car, you need it for work.
It's fine, I... I...
I'm getting a new car anyway.
- You can't afford one. - Yes, I can!
I can. I'm sorry. I...
(SIGHS) I'm just proud of you, is all,
and... if your mum was still alive... .
... she'd be proud of you, too.
It's alright.
I've got to go to the shops.
Got to go do my Lotto and, uh, get some stuff for dinner.
Are you sure you don't want to go out with your friends tonight?
- I mean, it's not too late. - I'll catch up with them later.
I want to have dinner with you first.
Alright. Well, I'll see you in a bit.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Did you forget your keys?
Dad?
Happy birthday, baby Becky!
(POP!)
Mum?
You're 18 today, hey?
18 years old.
Obviously I'm terminal, so you don't know me.
(SINGSONG) But I know you-ou.
You're just a little baby, so I don't get to see you grow up.
So, I made you this little video, to tell you about who I am.
Through song!
Hello, darl.
Here I am, from beyond the grave and back again.
Your mummy's dead. She died in bed.
I made this video.
It'll be fun,
learning from your old... dead... muuuuuum!
I made this spider outfit myself.
I also made this pig outfit.
Yes. All cops are pigs.
That's not a joke, either.
All cops are pigs.
They're low rats. They're dogs! Do you understand me?
And if you become a cop, Becky, I won't love you anymore.
They're rats, they're pigs, they're dogs!
Make a note.
Found him, boss.
So...
This is the kid.
(SIGHS)
- What's your name, kid? - Jonathan.
Jonathan, I run this, uh...
... little organisation.
That's interesting that you're the boss.
Why's that interesting?
I just thought they would get someone
who didn't look like a complete fuckwit.
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Can you believe this kid, calling me a fuckwit? Me?!
(ALL LAUGH)
Hey, you got some balls, kid.
Did you know that? (LAUGHS)
But, um...
We've got a problem. Hmm?
You know why we brought you here, Jonathan?
'Cause you're a wog?
(LAUGHS)
Nobody here calls me a wog!
(ALL LAUGH)
That's pretty funny, boss.
What did you say?
- Nothing, boss. - Hey?
Nothin'.
Now... ..
I hear you've been causing some trouble in the neighbourhood.
And I heard your son died recently in a shootout.
Pretty funny.
You come here.
You call me a fuckwit.
You insult my ethnic heritage.
And you laugh at the death of my son.
You've got some balls, kid.
I fucking love ya!
(LAUGHS)
Right, Becky, listen, this next bit -
animals that you might like to fight - important.
So, go and get a notepad and a pen.
Go on? You got it?
Bring them back. Here we are.
OK, now, write this down. This is important. Here we go.
Wah-wah! It's a bird! Get it, punch it!
Give it a couple of kicks! Bang, bang, bang!
Whoa, a lizard! Stomp on its head, Becky. One, two. It's dead now!
(BARKS) Here comes a dog!
Chase it, chase it, chase it like you're a dog, get it by the neck!
Fuckin' just kill it!
(ROARS)
What's that? It's a fuckin' lion!
Get it! Crack its neck! Eat it! Poo it out!
Woo-woo-woo! There goes the bird again!
Bang, bang, bang! Kill it with my gun! Fuckin' got it!
Sometimes a bird will come back, Becky. Write that down.
Right. Next bit.
(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO)
Excuse me?
Hello?
Hello. Sorry to bother you.
This was my childhood home.
I was wondering if I might come through for... memories.
Yeah. That... that should be fine, I suppose, yeah.
Thank you. Thank you deeply.
Welcome, stranger.
So, uh... what's your name, mate?
My name's Neil.
Grant.
You must have had some good times in this room. I know I have.
Ah! (LAUGHS)
I see you've found the feature stain.
I call it the feature stain because I can't get it out.
Was that there when you lived here?
When DID you live here?
Oh, yeah, I see you've found the home cinema.
No, it's a storeroom.
Sorry for lying.
Sometimes I can be a bit silly.
(LAUGHS)
Mate, are you alright?
Sorry, uh...
I shouldn't have done that lie.
Something bad happened here.
Hurry up, Grant.
What?
(GROANS)
Got you, loser.
Oh, my God.
You were sack-whacked in this exact location?
(SOBS) Yeah.
MAN: Three kings.
Flush. Sorry, boys...
That's annoying. All I've got is a royal flush.
Oh, fuck me!
That's what your mum said last night.
Shut up, you piece of shit!
Hey, Benny, sit down!
Alright.
You know we're looking for someone to run the warehouse district.
Hmm?
I think Jonathan will be perfect.
But the warehouse district... No, that was mine, you can't just...
- Hey, hey, I'm talking here! - I know, but he...
Just sit down and shut the fuck up, Vinnie, for fuck's sake!
Well... what do you say, Jonathan?
I say lose some weight, you fat prick.
(LAUGHS)
I'll take that as a yes.
You know, you remind me a lot of me when I was your age.
Just young and ballsy and stuff.
Let's go out and have some fun. What do you say?
(FARTS)
Alright, fart boy.
(LAUGHS)
He just...
That's gold!
Let's get out of here, come on.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Vinnie, tell your mum I'm not coming over tonight.
(LAUGHS)
Let's do something crazy, huh?
Where's the gun? There we go.
(SIREN WAILS)
(LAUGHS) Get fucked.
- You like a bit of Charlie? - Yeah.
I reckon I've got some here.
Hey, hey, hold onto the wheel for a second.
What do you think?
- Yeah, great. - Hey?
(LAUGHS) Oh, fuck.
- (HORN HONKS) - Jonathan...
Oh... Ahh!
- Oh. - Yeah, good.
(FIRES GUN)
- (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHS)
Mwah. Love you!
Look who it is.
It's little baby Becky.
And babies...
... love... milk.
Here we go.
Oh, there you go.
Little milky girl.
Eat it all up. Bubbies love milk.
(CLATTERING)
Just kidding.
(MILK DRIPS)
It's a doll. I wouldn't do that.
Ohhh!
I love me pranks.
(GASPS) Look.
It's the real baby Becky.
But I won't get to play pranks on you
or give you any hugs.
(BABY BECKY GURGLES)
I'm home. I'm just gonna put the kettle on, start dinner.
Dad, this is incredible.
- Turn that off. - What? Why?
- Where did you get this? - You left it at the front door.
God...
Dad, that's the only footage I have left of my mum.
Just go to your room, Becky, please.
You can't send me to my room.
Becky, Jesus, just go!
Just go. Please go!
(SINGSONG) Becky...
(FATHER KNOCKS AT DOOR)
Darling, please...
I fucking hate you!
I was sack-whacked here as a child and that's why...
... that's why you have to help me
to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again.
What?
I don't get it.
The reversal of a great evil requires it to be performed again,
but where once a dark spirit took victory,
now a pure cherub must win.
I'm... not sure I understand or like this situation.
Please, just wear my brother's hat and pretend to be him
and let me hit you in the nuts.
No, no, no, no. This is something I should not be doing.
Please.
Help me restore balance to my life, I beg you.
Why don't you pretend to be your brother,
and then I'll hit you in the nuts.
It doesn't work like that, but I brought you a cricketer's box.
As long as we perform the same action,
whether or not you get hurt doesn't actually matter.
What makes you think this is going to work?
This is simply what must be done.
OK. OK.
Right, you've got to do what you've got to do, I'll help you out.
Thank you, thank you deeply.
Yep.
OK. So I just... I just stand here?
And then look up into the corner.
OK. Like that?
- Legs... - Yeah, yeah.
And you can't see me?
I can't see you, I can only hear you.
Perfect.
Oh! Arggh!
Ohh!
Ahhh!
Oh, Neil, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I DID have to hurt your nuts.
I feel terrible. Like, I mean, it worked, so that's the main thing.
But... I'm...
I'll just show myself out.
(NEIL GROANS)
Ohhhh! (COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)
(IMITATES ITALIAN ACCENT) Mamma mia, spaghetti pasta sauce...
(LAUGHS)
Hey, boys, come here.
I want to make an announcement.
Listen up. I've made a decision.
Jonathan's gonna be my second in charge.
- What the fuck?! - Hey, hey, hey.
I want you to respect his decisions, alright?
I don't want to hear a peep from you, you...
Hey, Jonathan, is that your cock in my spaghetti.
Nah, mate. Dig in.
What?! (LAUGHS)
That's so funny.
Hey, Vinnie, go bring me your spaghetti so I can put my cock in it.
What?
Hurry up, fuckhead. Bring me your spaghetti.
Oh, fuck, fuck.
Mate, get outta here, I'm trying to pinch your loaf.
Look at that - clever and funny.
(LAUGHS)
Very funny. (LAUGHS)
This is a stick-up...
... me arse!
Ha! Your arse!
Ready or not, here I come.
(CRASHING) It's the cops!
Police! This is a raid. Put your hands up!
- Freeze! Freeze! - Hands up, arsehole!
- Don't move! Put your hands up. - Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hands in the air, dickwad. - You've got nothin' on us.
I reckon they might.
He's a rat. See, I told you he was no good.
A rat?
Jonathan, no!
No, you're a rat?
I don't know. Am I?
(IMITATES RAT)
(LAUGHS)
Jonathan!
I just wanted to say I did this for no reason.
I went to the cops and asked for money
and they could only offer me $50,
so I did it anyway.
I'm not even gonna invoice.
You know, kid...
... what you did, I like it.
You got balls, kid.
(UNZIPS PANTS)
(URINATES)
(WHISTLES)
Hey, I'm not dead yet, kid.
I know.
(LAUGHS) Fuck, you're a funny cunt.
(GAGS)
(ZIPS PANTS)
DAD: Look, just go away. Just run. Go. Get...
WOMAN: Where is she? Cough up. Where's Baby Becky?
Just get out.
Just get out. I'm serious.
I'll call the police.
- Mum? - No...
I love you, Baby Becky.
- You're a dirty rat! - Dad, it's Mum, let her go!
Just... That's not your mum.
What? What is this?!
OK, someone needs to tell me what's going on right now!
- Alright, I'll tell you. - Oh, no, he's a liar.
Shhh!
When your mum got sick, she wanted to make you a video tape.
But she never got the chance.
Two weeks ago, I met this woman, Crandall.
- She's working in a $2 shop. - Ohh!
I couldn't believe it, she looks exactly like your mum.
I mean, she looks exactly like her!
I just...
I thought I can finally make the video
your mum always wanted to make.
So, we started shooting, and right away, it just went wrong.
She wouldn't learn her script. She wouldn't read the lines.
She just kept improvising, doing all this weird stuff.
Yeah, I love me Will Ferrells.
I just shut it down, I stopped filming,
I destroyed the tapes,
and she must have kept filming her own version
and that's what you got.
Oh, wrong again, mate.
This is all bullshit.
Becky, listen to me.
I really am your mum.
I got sick. But then I got better.
And then he left me and he took you away.
I've been trying to track you down for years
and now he's trying to keep us apart.
So, you really are my mum?
Yes.
And I'm also from the Planet Scrumdore.
OK? I'm gonna take you back there in a spaceship.
OK, yeah, you're obviously a mental
and you've still got your $2 name-tag on.
Oh, yeah. Oh, well.
Worth a shot, though.
I better get going, actually.
Oh, hey, listen, have you got a spare snaplock bag?
I've just got a couple of spare prawnies.
No. Just get out.
Alright, see youse later!
(GROANS)
God.
I'm really sorry I didn't believe you.
At least that means Mum isn't crazy though, right?
She wasn't. She was amazing.
Wait, who was that baby?
I don't know.
Fuck!
Becky... I'm sorry about today.
It was a total nightmare.
That's OK.
I always wished that I'd known Mum and...
I mean, for you to go to all that effort with the tape,
it just shows how much you care and how much you loved her.
I still love her.
I miss her every day.
I know.
But, hey, we don't... we don't need that stupid tape.
She's here with us.
I love you, Dad.
I love you too, Becky.
And I love you, Mum.
I love you too, Baby Becky!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Jesus Christ!
Arggh! Arggh!
Synced and corrected by susinz www.addic7ed.com
♪ Fancy... ♪
Right, next lesson:
toppings for sandwiches
that are quite good.
Beef.
Ham.
Salad.
Cheese.
Salami.
Just plain buttered.
Spaghetti.
Pastrami.
Seafood sauce.
Lettuce.
Tomato AND lettuce.
Tomato and ham.
Tomato and cheese...
♪ Fancy! ♪