1
00:00:00,525 --> 00:00:03,834
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,835 --> 00:00:07,025
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,026 --> 00:00:10,762
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,763 --> 00:00:13,765
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,766 --> 00:00:17,135
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,136 --> 00:00:20,372
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,373 --> 00:00:21,973
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:21,974 --> 00:00:23,508
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,509 --> 00:00:28,942
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:28,943 --> 00:00:32,990
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
11
00:00:33,836 --> 00:00:35,276
Hey, do you think homeless people
12
00:00:35,277 --> 00:00:37,002
ever have sex with each other?
13
00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:38,905
Probably. But I don't
want to think about it.
14
00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:40,673
I know for a fact they do.
15
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,508
I spend most of my day breaking up
16
00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:45,394
- in-progress homeless sex.
- I bet it stink.
17
00:00:45,395 --> 00:00:46,996
Oh, it stink all right.
18
00:00:46,997 --> 00:00:49,565
So we talking group stuff
or just one-on-one?
19
00:00:49,566 --> 00:00:52,789
Oh, anything goes. Whatever
you can fit under a tarp.
20
00:00:52,790 --> 00:00:55,293
There's a major hot spot
behind the Dumpster
21
00:00:55,294 --> 00:00:56,541
at The Cheesecake Factory.
22
00:00:56,542 --> 00:00:58,740
Hey, what's up with the menus
at The Cheesecake Factory?
23
00:00:58,741 --> 00:01:00,276
Why they got to be so big?
24
00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:02,278
Yeah, and why does their menu have ads?
25
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:04,780
I go there for dinner, not
to shop for appliances.
26
00:01:04,781 --> 00:01:07,149
Hey, you know what,
guys? This right here,
27
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,318
this rambling, boring
conversation containing
28
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,637
already-made-before observations,
29
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,088
this could be a podcast.
30
00:01:13,089 --> 00:01:14,923
Ah. That's actually not a bad idea.
31
00:01:14,924 --> 00:01:16,692
Really? A podcast? Don't you have to be
32
00:01:16,693 --> 00:01:18,527
some sort of whiz kid to do those?
33
00:01:18,528 --> 00:01:21,263
Uh, definitely not... anyone
with a computer can make one.
34
00:01:21,264 --> 00:01:23,132
Well, that's it... We're "anyone."
35
00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:25,601
Let's do a podcast from
right here in the booth.
36
00:01:25,602 --> 00:01:26,335
Who's in?
37
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,435
- Let's do it!
- Yeah, sure.
38
00:01:27,436 --> 00:01:29,438
Is it happening? Are we doing it now?
39
00:01:29,439 --> 00:01:31,473
Awesome! We haven't done
anything as a group
40
00:01:31,474 --> 00:01:33,054
since we went birdwatching.
41
00:01:33,476 --> 00:01:34,877
Guys, look.
42
00:01:34,878 --> 00:01:36,979
It's the yellow-headed puffin face.
43
00:01:36,980 --> 00:01:38,314
Oh! Ooh!
44
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:40,115
It's a solitary creature.
45
00:01:40,116 --> 00:01:43,152
Its feathered crown is
designed to scare away mates.
46
00:01:43,153 --> 00:01:44,620
It's known to swell its face
47
00:01:44,621 --> 00:01:46,055
to assert dominance when threatened.
48
00:01:46,056 --> 00:01:47,856
What does it eat, Peter?
49
00:01:47,857 --> 00:01:50,627
Gin and whatever's in
the bowl at the airport bar.
50
00:01:57,146 --> 00:01:59,696
I said, damn, what a
wild couple of days.
51
00:01:59,697 --> 00:02:01,628
Anyways, 'sup with you guys?
52
00:02:01,629 --> 00:02:04,482
Sorry, amigo, not interested.
53
00:02:07,135 --> 00:02:09,637
This is what happens when
you lick your spilled latte
54
00:02:09,638 --> 00:02:10,770
off the steering wheel.
55
00:02:10,771 --> 00:02:12,340
She did that. She's gross.
56
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,141
- Lois, are you okay?
- Ugh. Yeah.
57
00:02:14,142 --> 00:02:16,544
It's just my allergies.
They've been awful.
58
00:02:16,545 --> 00:02:18,746
I can't figure out what it is.
59
00:02:19,714 --> 00:02:21,218
Maybe it's Brian.
60
00:02:21,219 --> 00:02:23,021
He practically sleeps on top of you.
61
00:02:23,022 --> 00:02:24,556
You could be allergic to him.
62
00:02:24,557 --> 00:02:25,990
Hey, here's an idea, Chris...
63
00:02:25,991 --> 00:02:27,559
why don't you mind your own business?
64
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,260
You know, I did read that people
65
00:02:29,261 --> 00:02:31,196
could develop allergies to their pets.
66
00:02:31,197 --> 00:02:33,832
Brian, maybe you shouldn't
sleep in our bedroom
67
00:02:33,833 --> 00:02:35,990
- for a little while.
- What?
68
00:02:35,991 --> 00:02:37,435
Well, then where am I supposed to sleep?
69
00:02:37,436 --> 00:02:40,399
How about in your own
apartment, like a grown-up?
70
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:41,840
Do you have a problem with me, Chris?
71
00:02:41,841 --> 00:02:43,875
Why don't you sleep in Stewie's room?
72
00:02:43,876 --> 00:02:45,443
There's plenty of space.
73
00:02:45,444 --> 00:02:48,546
Roomies? Dude! This'll be so ill!
74
00:02:48,547 --> 00:02:50,448
- Who are you?
- I'll tell you who.
75
00:02:50,449 --> 00:02:51,750
Your new roommate!
76
00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:54,719
I'm gonna go take a shower
77
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,222
so I can blow my nose into my hands.
78
00:02:58,357 --> 00:03:00,558
Damn it! I hate this house.
79
00:03:00,559 --> 00:03:03,051
- Morning, honey!
- Go to hell!
80
00:03:07,050 --> 00:03:09,468
All right, you guys, podcast time.
81
00:03:09,469 --> 00:03:12,163
We got the equipment and the
perfect business plan...
82
00:03:12,164 --> 00:03:15,373
give our show away for free, and
tell no one how to find it.
83
00:03:15,374 --> 00:03:16,708
Ready?
84
00:03:16,709 --> 00:03:18,610
Hey there, the Net,
85
00:03:18,611 --> 00:03:22,007
welcome to the first episode
of Thanks for the Clamories.
86
00:03:22,008 --> 00:03:23,715
I'm here with Glenn Quagmire,
87
00:03:23,716 --> 00:03:26,084
- Hi.
- Cleveland Brown...
88
00:03:26,085 --> 00:03:27,719
- and...
- Hello.
89
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,387
And Joe Swanson.
90
00:03:29,388 --> 00:03:30,491
Yo-zah!
91
00:03:30,492 --> 00:03:32,157
All right, Quagmire,
what do you got for us?
92
00:03:32,158 --> 00:03:33,725
Let's make a clam-ory.
93
00:03:33,726 --> 00:03:36,161
Okay, this is yes or no.
Y-You ready, Peter?
94
00:03:36,162 --> 00:03:38,163
Yes or no. French toast.
95
00:03:38,164 --> 00:03:39,964
- Yes.
- French fries.
96
00:03:39,965 --> 00:03:41,733
- Yes.
- French kissing.
97
00:03:41,734 --> 00:03:44,529
I-I don't know. These
questions are weird.
98
00:03:44,530 --> 00:03:45,603
Okay, okay, someone else.
99
00:03:45,604 --> 00:03:47,472
Cleveland, yes or no.
100
00:03:47,473 --> 00:03:50,308
- Velcro shoes.
- Hmm, Velcro shoes.
101
00:03:50,309 --> 00:03:52,310
Woo-whee, this is a tough one.
102
00:03:52,311 --> 00:03:55,079
I remember the first time I
saw me a pair of 'cro's.
103
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,148
They were on the feet of Spunky Tesik.
104
00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,683
Man, they was dandy...
105
00:03:58,684 --> 00:04:00,685
Every time we played touch football,
106
00:04:00,686 --> 00:04:03,154
Spunky would step in a pile of dog poo.
107
00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:06,357
You can wash a shoe, but you
can't really wash a lace.
108
00:04:06,358 --> 00:04:08,293
That's why Spunky made the change.
109
00:04:08,294 --> 00:04:10,328
That's the thing about Velcro shoes.
110
00:04:10,329 --> 00:04:12,797
Quiet going on, noisy coming off.
111
00:04:12,798 --> 00:04:15,633
That rip! Spunky's mama
thought he was an intruder.
112
00:04:15,634 --> 00:04:17,746
Shot him right in the face.
113
00:04:17,747 --> 00:04:19,731
Had an open casket at the funeral.
114
00:04:19,732 --> 00:04:21,306
But only open on the middle part...
115
00:04:21,307 --> 00:04:24,509
To this day, every time I
see a pile of dog doo,
116
00:04:24,510 --> 00:04:26,978
I take a step in it just for Spunky.
117
00:04:26,979 --> 00:04:29,681
So to answer the question,
I'm gonna have to say
118
00:04:29,682 --> 00:04:31,783
both yes and no.
119
00:04:31,784 --> 00:04:33,985
All right, that's all the time we got.
120
00:04:33,986 --> 00:04:37,018
I'd like to thank our sponsor,
the U.S. Postal Service.
121
00:04:37,019 --> 00:04:39,324
When you want something
expensive thrown on your porch
122
00:04:39,325 --> 00:04:42,295
and stolen, you want the
U.S. Postal Service.
123
00:04:42,296 --> 00:04:43,777
What the hell was that?
124
00:04:43,778 --> 00:04:46,340
I know! Cleveland, you
ruined the whole podcast.
125
00:04:46,341 --> 00:04:48,666
Yeah, if I wanted to hear a black
guy ramble like a lunatic,
126
00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,902
- I'd watch Family Feud.
- Yeah, I mean, that was worse
127
00:04:50,903 --> 00:04:54,372
than an Italian guy describing
someone's sexuality.
128
00:04:54,373 --> 00:04:56,040
Anyway, my brother Louie, he's a...
129
00:04:56,041 --> 00:04:58,243
he's a little off to the side, you know?
130
00:04:58,244 --> 00:05:00,245
Uh, foofy. Uh, up to the knuckle.
131
00:05:00,246 --> 00:05:02,247
He's a... he's a backwards mechanic.
132
00:05:02,248 --> 00:05:04,315
- Likes to play in the dirt.
- You mean gay?
133
00:05:04,316 --> 00:05:05,984
Mama!
134
00:05:05,985 --> 00:05:07,252
Marone! Peter!
135
00:05:07,253 --> 00:05:09,153
Mama, Louie's not gay, he's...
136
00:05:09,154 --> 00:05:11,489
he's creative.
137
00:05:17,392 --> 00:05:19,597
Hey, Stewie, thanks for
letting me stay in your room.
138
00:05:19,598 --> 00:05:22,033
Oh, Brian, please... It's our room now.
139
00:05:22,034 --> 00:05:23,434
Hey, what are we gonna do tonight?
140
00:05:23,435 --> 00:05:25,336
Ooh, maybe we should watch
that movie about Freud
141
00:05:25,337 --> 00:05:27,338
where Michael Fassbender
repeatedly spanks
142
00:05:27,339 --> 00:05:29,374
Keira Knightley to orgasm?
143
00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:31,543
- You saw that movie?
- I saw that scene.
144
00:05:33,078 --> 00:05:35,413
So, I was thinking this
could be your area.
145
00:05:35,414 --> 00:05:37,115
Okay, yeah, yeah. This is great.
146
00:05:37,116 --> 00:05:39,350
And fair warning... Some
of the books are pop-up,
147
00:05:39,351 --> 00:05:41,419
- so don't be alarmed.
- Aah! Son of a bitch!
148
00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:43,421
Frickin' bird came out of nowhere!
149
00:05:43,422 --> 00:05:45,757
You know, I have a good
feeling about this, Brian.
150
00:05:45,758 --> 00:05:47,625
After all, you certainly
can't be any worse
151
00:05:47,626 --> 00:05:49,110
than the last roommate I had.
152
00:05:51,615 --> 00:05:53,264
- What the...?
- Please don't cry.
153
00:05:53,265 --> 00:05:55,099
She's already very angry at me.
154
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:57,468
Peter, where are you?
You will wash your hands
155
00:05:57,469 --> 00:05:58,736
after you poop.
156
00:05:58,737 --> 00:05:59,971
Shh, shh.
157
00:05:59,972 --> 00:06:00,970
I won't.
158
00:06:05,128 --> 00:06:06,611
You know, this is exciting.
159
00:06:06,612 --> 00:06:08,217
Our second podcast.
160
00:06:08,218 --> 00:06:09,414
All right, but listen up, Cleveland.
161
00:06:09,415 --> 00:06:11,416
No more of your long stories, all right?
162
00:06:11,417 --> 00:06:13,418
Yeah, people aren't used
to boring podcasts.
163
00:06:13,419 --> 00:06:16,754
Oh, I'm sorry. I suppose they
ought to call me "Jelly,"
164
00:06:16,755 --> 00:06:19,057
'cause sometimes I get on a roll.
165
00:06:19,058 --> 00:06:20,291
That. That.
166
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:22,493
J... N-None of that.
167
00:06:22,494 --> 00:06:24,929
Welcome once again to
Thanks for the Clamories.
168
00:06:24,930 --> 00:06:27,165
Okay, common question that
everybody thinks about.
169
00:06:27,166 --> 00:06:30,141
How many fourth-graders you
think you could take at once?
170
00:06:30,142 --> 00:06:31,803
- What?
- I mean, obviously, if you had to fight
171
00:06:31,804 --> 00:06:33,805
against a million
fourth-graders, you'd lose.
172
00:06:33,806 --> 00:06:35,807
So, like, what's...
what's the real number?
173
00:06:35,808 --> 00:06:38,059
Like, what's the legitimate
number of fourth-graders
174
00:06:38,060 --> 00:06:39,811
that you could successfully take on?
175
00:06:39,812 --> 00:06:41,567
Let's say a hundred.
That sounds reasonable.
176
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,243
Oh, no way. A hundred and you're dead.
177
00:06:43,244 --> 00:06:45,220
- Why are we fighting, now?
- 'Cause they're idiots.
178
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:46,851
Did they say something about my mother?
179
00:06:46,852 --> 00:06:49,120
What...? Yes. Okay, yeah,
yeah, we'll say yes.
180
00:06:49,121 --> 00:06:52,315
- Oh, then a baker's dozen.
- What kind of weapons?
181
00:06:52,316 --> 00:06:53,874
Only what's available in the schoolyard.
182
00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:56,594
You could really mess up some
kids with a chain from a swing.
183
00:06:56,595 --> 00:06:59,014
Just da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!
184
00:06:59,015 --> 00:07:01,499
All right, tell you what I'd do,
I'd back into a bathroom stall,
185
00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,801
and just start kickin'.
Dead! Dead! Dead!
186
00:07:03,802 --> 00:07:06,170
Keep comin'! Dead! Give
'em a narrow entry point,
187
00:07:06,171 --> 00:07:07,639
make 'em come in single file.
188
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,941
Dead! Dead! Anyway, I
guess I'm trying to say
189
00:07:09,942 --> 00:07:11,342
800 fourth-graders.
190
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:13,111
Why are we talking about killing kids?
191
00:07:13,112 --> 00:07:15,446
People are gonna hate this.
Peter, do something else, quick.
192
00:07:15,447 --> 00:07:18,616
I'll-I'll... uh, what if I
play some kick-ass music?
193
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,654
Kick-ass? This is not kick-ass.
194
00:07:22,655 --> 00:07:24,722
Wait, hang on, hang on,
I'll find something.
195
00:07:26,859 --> 00:07:28,493
You're playing two songs at once.
196
00:07:28,494 --> 00:07:30,161
- What even is this?
- I-I don't know.
197
00:07:30,162 --> 00:07:31,529
I'm just pressing buttons!
198
00:07:31,530 --> 00:07:33,731
I got to admit, it does have a groove.
199
00:07:33,732 --> 00:07:36,067
Look! Those people are
even dancing to it.
200
00:07:39,872 --> 00:07:42,840
Aw, great! I accidentally
started Chris's birth video.
201
00:07:42,841 --> 00:07:45,510
Ow! O-O-O-O-O-Ow! Ow!
202
00:07:45,511 --> 00:07:46,678
Ow!
203
00:07:46,679 --> 00:07:48,713
Ow! Kill me!
204
00:07:48,714 --> 00:07:50,915
Hey, what's that song you're playing?
205
00:07:50,916 --> 00:07:53,885
I don't know, it's just random
garbage from my computer.
206
00:07:53,886 --> 00:07:56,154
Oh, you're a deejay! That's perfect!
207
00:07:56,155 --> 00:07:58,756
I own a nightclub for cocaine
people and Armenians.
208
00:07:58,757 --> 00:08:00,925
I need noise. You available?
209
00:08:00,926 --> 00:08:02,326
- We're in!
- Great!
210
00:08:02,327 --> 00:08:04,667
I'll see you guys Wednesday at 2:00 a.m.
211
00:08:05,364 --> 00:08:07,665
What the hell was that? We're
supposed to be doing a podcast.
212
00:08:07,666 --> 00:08:09,067
Peter, I don't know if you noticed,
213
00:08:09,068 --> 00:08:10,935
but the podcast was a disaster.
214
00:08:10,936 --> 00:08:13,705
Yeah, and we were looking for
something to do as a foursome.
215
00:08:13,706 --> 00:08:15,707
But how can I be a deejay?
216
00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:18,376
I'm just a guy with a laptop
and an inflated self-image.
217
00:08:18,377 --> 00:08:19,777
Trust me, you're perfect.
218
00:08:19,778 --> 00:08:22,046
All right, sounds good. Let's do this.
219
00:08:22,047 --> 00:08:25,416
Okay, but hold on. I got
four quarters on Golden Tee.
220
00:08:26,919 --> 00:08:28,219
How am I doing?
221
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:30,121
Good job, Joe! A hole in one!
222
00:08:30,122 --> 00:08:32,107
He just
keeps switching clubs.
223
00:08:37,690 --> 00:08:40,366
Kids, time for dinner.
Where's your father?
224
00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:42,392
I think he's getting ready
for his deejay gig.
225
00:08:42,393 --> 00:08:43,278
His what?
226
00:08:44,749 --> 00:08:47,397
Hmm. Still a trace of melody.
227
00:08:47,398 --> 00:08:49,399
I'll just add some power tools.
228
00:08:53,238 --> 00:08:56,473
Yeah. Yeah, I'd drink vodka
and Gatorade to that.
229
00:08:56,474 --> 00:08:58,642
Peter, since when are you a deejay?
230
00:08:58,643 --> 00:08:59,895
Since some guy came in the Clam
231
00:08:59,896 --> 00:09:01,695
and heard my awesome jams and beats.
232
00:09:01,696 --> 00:09:03,531
Well, he's got the lingo down.
233
00:09:03,532 --> 00:09:04,632
Thanks, Chris.
234
00:09:04,633 --> 00:09:07,735
Now, scream...!
235
00:09:07,736 --> 00:09:10,071
Hey, you are good at this, Dad.
236
00:09:10,072 --> 00:09:12,948
Peter, knock it off.
You're a middle-aged man.
237
00:09:12,949 --> 00:09:14,542
You can't be a deejay.
238
00:09:14,543 --> 00:09:16,422
Why not? I could totally be a deejay.
239
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,846
For God's sake, John Travolta's a pilot.
240
00:09:18,847 --> 00:09:20,748
This
is your captain speaking.
241
00:09:20,749 --> 00:09:22,650
We have reached our cruising altitude.
242
00:09:22,651 --> 00:09:26,253
It is now safe to take off
your wigs and be gay.
243
00:09:32,419 --> 00:09:33,741
Well, what's all this?
244
00:09:33,742 --> 00:09:35,973
Oh, just some stuff I got
out of my storage unit.
245
00:09:35,974 --> 00:09:37,775
Check this out. You'll love this.
246
00:09:37,776 --> 00:09:39,844
Do I look like a Terminator dog?
247
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:41,646
- No.
- Yeah, I do.
248
00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:44,966
Look... I even brought Tom
Sizemore's Game of Life.
249
00:09:46,770 --> 00:09:49,987
"Sell rights to Saving
Private Ryan residuals
250
00:09:49,988 --> 00:09:52,097
to buy a case of Coors Light."
251
00:09:54,063 --> 00:09:57,497
"Steal your son's wallet
while he's in the shower."
252
00:09:59,436 --> 00:10:01,469
"Miss audition."
253
00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,870
"Scoop someone's urine
from Starbucks toilet
254
00:10:05,871 --> 00:10:07,472
to pass drug test."
255
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:10,174
Feels like we should be moving
these pieces backwards.
256
00:10:12,578 --> 00:10:15,012
Okay, let's make some noise
257
00:10:15,013 --> 00:10:18,049
for Deejay Peter and the Sound Slap!
258
00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:22,086
Giggity,
giggity, giggity, giggity,
259
00:10:22,087 --> 00:10:24,088
giggity, giggity, giggity,
giggity, giggity!
260
00:10:24,089 --> 00:10:26,357
Give it to 'em.
261
00:10:26,358 --> 00:10:28,025
Shut up, Meg.
262
00:10:28,026 --> 00:10:29,527
Sh-Sh-Shut up, Meg.
263
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:31,162
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
264
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:32,730
Butt scratcher! Butt scratcher!
265
00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:35,933
Peter, Peter, Peter...
266
00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:37,568
Roadhouse. Roadhouse.
267
00:10:37,569 --> 00:10:39,070
That's nasty. That's nasty.
268
00:10:39,071 --> 00:10:41,572
What? Wha-Wha-Wha-What?
269
00:10:41,573 --> 00:10:43,174
This place is awesome!
270
00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:45,510
Totally! And did you see Tom Sizemore
271
00:10:45,511 --> 00:10:47,745
in the bathroom with a ladle?
272
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,987
You've been playing the exact same song
273
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,488
for 14 hours.
274
00:10:57,489 --> 00:10:58,856
That means you're great.
275
00:10:58,857 --> 00:11:00,391
I was right about you, guy.
276
00:11:00,392 --> 00:11:03,261
Weird you turned that into a
compliment about yourself.
277
00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:04,759
Well, I'm on cocaine.
278
00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:08,766
My kid's baseball team
came in second place.
279
00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:10,535
I don't care about that.
280
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:13,404
But listen, there's a big
music festival coming up.
281
00:11:13,405 --> 00:11:15,506
You've got some mad deejay skills.
282
00:11:15,507 --> 00:11:17,592
You could be our headliner.
283
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,379
Electric Clam Festival?
284
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:22,780
Yeah, it's gonna be awesome.
285
00:11:22,781 --> 00:11:24,749
- So what do you say?
- Well, I don't know.
286
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,951
I-I should probably check with
the guys and see what they...
287
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:28,553
What? You don't need the guys.
288
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:31,689
I didn't see their fingers
press three buttons.
289
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:33,858
Huh. I guess I do have a gift.
290
00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:34,892
So are you in?
291
00:11:34,893 --> 00:11:36,127
Yeah, that'd be amazing.
292
00:11:36,128 --> 00:11:37,395
Can I kiss you?
293
00:11:37,396 --> 00:11:39,130
- Excuse me?
- I don't know.
294
00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:41,098
Someone gave me a pill,
and now all I want to do
295
00:11:41,099 --> 00:11:42,567
is feel your jacket.
296
00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:45,036
Oh, yeah.
297
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:47,255
No, no, stay here. Stay here.
298
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,038
That. That. That. See,
listen. Right there.
299
00:11:54,039 --> 00:11:55,333
You can't hear that on a CD.
300
00:11:55,334 --> 00:11:56,647
Only the vinyl, man.
301
00:11:56,648 --> 00:11:59,951
I'm glad we hung out after
you struck out with my mom.
302
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:02,753
You know, I could've used some
help folding these fitted sheets.
303
00:12:02,754 --> 00:12:04,655
- Who's this turd?
- Oh, this is Georgie.
304
00:12:04,656 --> 00:12:07,124
Brian, I never said you
could have guests.
305
00:12:07,125 --> 00:12:08,593
Hey, don't touch that.
306
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:10,565
Okay, red flags flying.
307
00:12:10,566 --> 00:12:12,163
Look, I need him out of here.
308
00:12:12,164 --> 00:12:14,966
You can't kick him out. He's my
friend, and I live here, too.
309
00:12:14,967 --> 00:12:17,068
Not anymore. I want you out of my room.
310
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,337
Well, it's not your room
anymore, it's our room.
311
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:21,472
Lois said so, and I'm not leaving.
312
00:12:21,473 --> 00:12:24,242
I can't believe I ever wanted
you here in the first place.
313
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:26,777
You're messy, you're
loud, and thanks to you,
314
00:12:26,778 --> 00:12:28,412
we've got a recurring flea problem.
315
00:12:32,435 --> 00:12:34,652
Hey, Bri. You want to hang out?
316
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:36,654
Go away, Flea. You're not welcome here.
317
00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:38,489
And put on a shirt. You're 50.
318
00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:39,974
Actually, 54.
319
00:12:48,885 --> 00:12:51,335
Peter, I was plowing this
college chick last night,
320
00:12:51,336 --> 00:12:53,821
and I saw this flyer on her mini fridge.
321
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,376
I thought we were all in this together.
322
00:12:58,377 --> 00:12:59,944
Well, yeah. That's the thing.
323
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:02,280
A guy on cocaine told me I'm the talent.
324
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:03,614
So what, you're just dropping us?
325
00:13:03,615 --> 00:13:05,449
Yeah, how could you just ditch us?
326
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:07,852
All right, you know what? You
guys were riding my coattails.
327
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,387
I carried you as long as I could,
328
00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:11,522
but Rob Kardashian's
gonna be at this thing,
329
00:13:11,523 --> 00:13:12,990
so I got to be at my best.
330
00:13:12,991 --> 00:13:14,458
Now, get out of here. I got to practice.
331
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:17,295
Damn it, Peter. That's too loud.
332
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:18,462
Turn it down.
333
00:13:18,463 --> 00:13:20,848
That isn't loud. This is.
334
00:13:22,919 --> 00:13:26,070
It's not loud until you
can feel your head bones.
335
00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:29,206
If you can't hack it, take a hike.
336
00:13:29,207 --> 00:13:30,675
Why's he being such a jerk?
337
00:13:30,676 --> 00:13:32,143
I don't know.
338
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:33,744
We've always had each other's backs,
339
00:13:33,745 --> 00:13:35,379
like when we used to rob banks
340
00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:37,415
in lesser-known presidents masks.
341
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:40,067
All right. Remember to
tell everyone who did this.
342
00:13:40,068 --> 00:13:42,202
Um. Who are you guys supposed to be?
343
00:13:42,203 --> 00:13:43,870
Oh, come
on. I'm James K. Polk.
344
00:13:43,871 --> 00:13:45,305
He's Millard Fillmore.
345
00:13:45,306 --> 00:13:46,873
He's William Henry Harrison.
346
00:13:46,874 --> 00:13:48,975
First president to die in office.
347
00:13:48,976 --> 00:13:50,276
You should've been FDR.
348
00:13:50,277 --> 00:13:51,444
Why?
349
00:13:51,445 --> 00:13:53,246
'Cause of the... you know.
350
00:13:53,247 --> 00:13:54,914
The wheelchair doesn't define me!
351
00:13:54,915 --> 00:13:56,749
And I'm Grover Cleveland.
352
00:13:56,750 --> 00:13:58,750
It's funny, 'cause my name's Cleveland.
353
00:13:58,751 --> 00:14:00,987
Aw, damn it, Cleveland.
Now we got to kill them all.
354
00:14:00,988 --> 00:14:02,956
This guy gets it first.
355
00:14:09,396 --> 00:14:11,297
Ugh. Didn't you hear the alarm?
356
00:14:12,125 --> 00:14:13,466
Peter, wake up.
357
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:15,185
We're gonna be late for church.
358
00:14:15,769 --> 00:14:17,637
Are you even listening to me?
359
00:14:17,638 --> 00:14:19,572
You've got to stop coming home so late
360
00:14:19,573 --> 00:14:21,407
if you can't get up in
the morning, and...
361
00:14:45,984 --> 00:14:48,246
Oh, God. I can't hear Garfield.
362
00:14:48,247 --> 00:14:49,612
I've gone deaf.
363
00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:57,302
All right, now how long has
your husband smelled like this?
364
00:14:57,303 --> 00:14:59,999
Oh, no. That's just from
riding here in a hot car,
365
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,206
but Dr. Hartman, what about his hearing?
366
00:15:02,207 --> 00:15:03,032
Hearing?
367
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:04,668
This is a hospital, I'm not a lawyer.
368
00:15:04,669 --> 00:15:07,238
Oh, for God's sake, is my husband deaf?
369
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,974
Well, there's only one way
to find out definitively.
370
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:12,123
Hey stupid deaf guy!
371
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,879
Well, I've gotten the
results back. He's deaf.
372
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,414
This is horrible.
373
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,216
This must be because of all that loud,
374
00:15:18,217 --> 00:15:20,985
blaring music he's been
playing in those nightclubs.
375
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:23,054
What's going on? Can he fix it in time
376
00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:24,989
for me to deejay at the music festival?
377
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:26,418
- No.
- What?
378
00:15:26,419 --> 00:15:28,162
- No!
- What?
379
00:15:29,274 --> 00:15:30,428
Are you sure?
380
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,896
- Yes.
- What?
381
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:34,467
Have a good life.
382
00:15:39,389 --> 00:15:41,137
Hey, guys, I don't know if you've heard,
383
00:15:41,138 --> 00:15:42,240
but I've gone deaf.
384
00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:43,541
- You what?
- What?
385
00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:44,742
Oh, you're ear crippled?
386
00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:45,944
I can't hear you, Joe.
387
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,345
Here's a bag of Alpha-Bits.
388
00:15:47,346 --> 00:15:49,197
Please spell out what you're saying.
389
00:15:51,301 --> 00:15:52,951
Oh, there's no "L" s.
390
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,852
By the way, I ate all the
"L" s. They're delicious.
391
00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:56,621
- They're my favorite ones.
- What are you talking about?
392
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,423
- They all taste the same.
- What?
393
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:00,058
Why don't you just text it to him?
394
00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:01,526
You know, that's a good idea.
395
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,595
What the hell do you want?
396
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:06,364
You told us you were a big shot deejay
397
00:16:06,365 --> 00:16:08,967
and didn't want anything to do with us.
398
00:16:10,102 --> 00:16:11,536
I don't think he can hear it.
399
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:13,698
Oh, son of a bitch. Look at your phone.
400
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,407
Oh, what do I want?
401
00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:18,727
Um, the Electric Clam
Festival's coming up,
402
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,078
and I need your help.
403
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:22,947
Now that I'm deaf, I can't
do it without you guys.
404
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:24,749
Forget it. You told us to go to hell.
405
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,284
Well, now you can go to hell.
406
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:27,585
Oh, great. Thanks.
407
00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:29,053
I knew I could count on you guys.
408
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:30,913
- But we said no.
- What?
409
00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:37,562
One, two, thr... ah, crap.
410
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,715
One, two... come on.
411
00:16:39,716 --> 00:16:41,189
All right. This time
for the world record.
412
00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,970
Eww. What the hell is that?
413
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:47,739
It's a ferret. Look at it, Brian.
414
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,340
It's like a long rat.
415
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:51,643
Like a living tail. Look at its feet.
416
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:54,112
Eww. They're gross.
Why'd you get a ferret?
417
00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:55,980
All the worst roommates have ferrets.
418
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:57,682
You want to pet it? It bites.
419
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,951
I can't sleep with that monster in here.
420
00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:02,086
That's the idea. I want you out.
421
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:04,355
This room belongs to
me and the ferret now.
422
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:05,957
Why you being such a dick about this?
423
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,860
Because. You're a pain
in the ass to live with.
424
00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:10,628
What did you just do?
425
00:17:10,629 --> 00:17:12,533
I just pushed a little bitch baby.
426
00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:18,703
Oh, Brian, there you are.
427
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,304
I wanted to tell you
that you can come back
428
00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:21,773
and sleep in our room.
429
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,174
What? I can?
430
00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:24,776
Yeah. Turns out it was Peter
431
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:26,444
who was causing my allergies.
432
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,379
He stuffed all our pillows with hay
433
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:31,315
because he thought it looked
comfortable in cartoons.
434
00:17:31,778 --> 00:17:34,952
Wow. Then, I guess I'm moving out.
435
00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:36,104
I guess you are.
436
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:38,489
Look, Stewie, I-I...
437
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,641
I probably got a little carried away.
438
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,630
I'm sorry I wasn't the best roommate.
439
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:45,129
Hey, Brian.
440
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,465
You know, maybe I wasn't
such a great guy, either.
441
00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:48,966
I'm sorry.
442
00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:50,424
Oh, that's okay.
443
00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:53,137
You know, even if we were bad roommates,
444
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:54,839
we'll always be good friends.
445
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,308
I hope you and your ferret
are happy in here together.
446
00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:58,710
Well, now that you're moving out,
447
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,211
I'll probably just drown it in the tub.
448
00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:03,047
Brian! Brian! Ah!
449
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:04,749
It bit my nose. He's latching on.
450
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,050
Stop moving. I almost got him.
451
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:07,878
Fill the tub, fill the tub!
452
00:18:11,908 --> 00:18:15,026
Hey, Stella, can I ask you something?
453
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:18,329
When you went deaf, did your
other senses get better?
454
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:20,765
No. That's a common myth.
455
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,934
Chances are you'll be hit by a bus
456
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,736
in the first three months.
457
00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:25,593
What?
458
00:18:26,338 --> 00:18:28,372
Uh, damn it. Being deaf sucks.
459
00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:31,042
I'd rather be stuck on a Disney cruise.
460
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,111
Ho-ho, ho-ho.
461
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,413
Don't eat the shrimp. Ho-ho.
462
00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,849
You know, the
worst part of all of this
463
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,751
is I lost my friends.
464
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:41,853
I was a complete jerk to them.
465
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,144
I don't blame them for
not wanting to help me.
466
00:18:44,145 --> 00:18:45,292
What?
467
00:18:45,293 --> 00:18:46,924
We heard you, Peter.
468
00:18:46,925 --> 00:18:49,861
Hey, Peter! We're over here.
469
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:51,696
You got to throw something at him.
470
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,217
Ow. Damn it.
471
00:18:53,218 --> 00:18:55,237
What are you guys doing here?
472
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:35,239
All right, Peter, it's all cued up.
473
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,008
Just push this button.
474
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,609
Okay. Here we go.
475
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:40,278
No, Peter. Not that one.
476
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:41,913
Audible dot com presents,
477
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:44,482
"Are You There, Vodka?
It's Me, Chelsea,"
478
00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:46,250
as read by Chelsea Handler.
479
00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:48,119
Peter, that's the wrong track.
480
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,454
Yeah, pretty good stuff, huh?
481
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:54,125
Chapter one.
Stuff I can fit in my lady place.
482
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:57,628
Up first, Eiffel Tower Lego sculpture...
483
00:19:57,629 --> 00:19:58,996
Yep.
484
00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:01,032
Peter, we got to stop this.
485
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,834
Soup thermos... Yep.
486
00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,135
It's locked.
487
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,503
Yeah. Awesome, huh?
488
00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:07,605
Wait. How come everyone's leaving?
489
00:20:07,606 --> 00:20:10,875
Brother brand,
all-in-one fax, scanner, color copier
490
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,944
with phone attachment...
491
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,179
Yep.
492
00:20:19,871 --> 00:20:21,152
Well, bad news.
493
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,687
'Cause of that audiobook fiasco
494
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,341
I got fired from the club.
495
00:20:24,342 --> 00:20:25,356
Hey, what's with your voice?
496
00:20:25,357 --> 00:20:26,958
Did you get your hearing back?
497
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,626
Oh, yeah. Turns out it
wasn't the loud music
498
00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:30,394
at the clubs that made me go deaf.
499
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,363
It was the fistfuls of Oxycontin.
500
00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:34,501
Well, that stinks about your deejay job.
501
00:20:34,502 --> 00:20:35,967
Sorry it didn't work out for you.
502
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,401
That's okay.
503
00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:38,970
I just appreciate that you guys
504
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:41,472
were there for me and
tried to help me out.
505
00:20:41,473 --> 00:20:43,708
Especially after I'd
been such a jerk to you.
506
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:46,043
Well, it's good to have you
back to normal, Peter.
507
00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:47,578
Now, if you'll excuse me,
508
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,230
I'm up on Big Buck Hunter.
509
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:53,351
I get 'em? Oh, yeah.
You got them all, Joe.
510
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:55,880
We didn't even put quarters
in the game. He don't know.