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00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:04,803
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,140
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,843
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:14,846
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:18,216
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,251 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,255
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,823
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,395
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,435
Hey, you think
homeless people
11
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,203
ever have sex
with each other?
12
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,072
Probably. But I don't want
to think about it.
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00:00:40,107 --> 00:00:41,673
I know for a
fact they do.
14
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,542
I spend most of my
day breaking up
15
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,411
in-progress
homeless sex.
I bet it stink.
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00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:48,046
Oh, it stink
all right.
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00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,582
So we talking group stuff
or just one-on-one?
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00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:53,552
Oh, anything goes. Whatever
you can fit under a tarp.
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00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,554
There's a major hot spot
behind the Dumpster
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00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,222
at The Cheesecake Factory.
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00:00:57,257 --> 00:00:59,758
Hey, what's up with the menus
at The Cheesecake Factory?
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00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,293
Why they got to be
so big?
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00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,295
Yeah, and why does
their menu have ads?
24
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,797
I go there for dinner,
not to shop for appliances.
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Hey, you know what, guys?
This right here,
26
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,368
this rambling, boring
conversation containing
27
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,270
already-made-before
observations,
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00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:14,106
this could be a podcast.
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00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:15,941
Ah. That's actually
not a bad idea.
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Really? A podcast?
Don't you have to be
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00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:19,578
some sort of whiz kid
to do those?
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00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,280
Uh, definitely not. Anyone
with a computer can make one.
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00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:24,149
Well, that's it--
we're "anyone."
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00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:26,618
Let's do a podcast
from right here in the booth.
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Who's in?
Let's do it!
Yeah, sure.
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Is it happening?
Are we doing it now?
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Awesome! We haven't
done anything as a group
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since we went birdwatching.
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PETER (whispering):
Guys, look.
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00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,996
It's the yellow-headed
puffin face.
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00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,331
OTHERS:
Oh! Ooh!
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PETER:
It's a solitary creature.
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Its feathered crown is designed
to scare away mates.
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QUAGMIRE:
It's known to swell its face
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00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,105
to assert dominance
when threatened.
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CLEVELAND:
What does it eat, Peter?
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00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:52,310
PETER: Gin and whatever's
in the bowl at the airport bar.
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♪ ♪
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I said, damn, what
a wild couple of days.
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Anyways,
'sup with you guys?
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00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,357
Sorry, amigo,
not interested.
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(sneezes)
53
00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:10,462
This is what happens when
you lick your spilled latte
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off the steering wheel.
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00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:13,198
She did that.
She's gross.
56
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:15,000
Lois, are you okay?
Ugh. Yeah.
57
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,435
It's just my allergies.
They've been awful.
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00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,638
(sniffs) I can't
figure out what it is.
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00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:20,939
(sneezes)
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Maybe it's Brian.
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He practically sleeps
on top of you.
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You could be allergic to him.
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00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,012
Hey, here's an
idea, Chris:
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00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,613
why don't you mind
your own business?
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You know, I did
read that people
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00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,217
could develop allergies
to their pets.
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00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:34,853
Brian, maybe you shouldn't
sleep in our bedroom
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for a little while.
What?
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00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,490
Well, then where
am I supposed to sleep?
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00:02:38,525 --> 00:02:40,859
How about in your own apartment,
like a grown-up?
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00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,861
Do you have a problem
with me, Chris?
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00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,896
Why don't you sleep
in Stewie's room?
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00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:46,498
There's plenty of space.
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Roomies? Dude!
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This'll be so ill!
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Who are you?
I'll tell you who.
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Your new roommate!
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(sneezes, groans)
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I'm gonna go take a shower
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so I can blow my nose
into my hands.
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(grunts)
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Damn it! I hate this house.
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00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,216
Morning, honey!
Go to hell!
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♪ ♪
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All right, you guys,
podcast time.
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We got the equipment
and the perfect business plan:
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give our show away for free,
and tell no one how to find it.
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Ready?
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00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,664
Hey there, the Net,
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00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:22,701
welcome to the first episode
of Thanks for the Clamories.
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00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,736
I'm here with Glenn Quagmire,
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00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:27,105
Hi.
Cleveland Brown...
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and...
Hello.
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(sighs)
...and Joe Swanson.
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00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:33,211
Yo-zah!
All right, Quagmire,
what do you got for us?
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00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:34,746
Let's make a clam-ory.
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00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:37,215
Okay, this is yes or no.
Y-You ready, Peter?
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00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:39,217
Yes or no.
French toast.
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00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:41,019
Yes.
French fries.
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00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,754
Yes.
French kissing.
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00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:45,190
I-I don't know.
These questions are weird.
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00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,625
Okay, okay, someone else.
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00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,526
Cleveland, yes or no.
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00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:51,363
Velcro shoes.
Hmm, Velcro shoes.
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00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,365
Woo-whee,
this is a tough one.
106
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,101
I remember the first time
I saw me a pair of 'cro's.
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00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:58,203
They were on the feet
of Spunky Tesik.
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Man, they was dandy.
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...every time we played
touch football,
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Spunky would step
in a pile of dog poo.
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00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,412
You can wash a shoe, but
you can't really wash a lace.
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00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:09,314
That's why Spunky
made the change.
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00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:11,383
...that's the thing
about Velcro shoes.
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00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,818
Quiet going on,
noisy coming off.
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00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:16,655
That rip! Spunky's mama
thought he was an intruder.
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Shot him right in the face.
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00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:20,458
Had an open casket
at the funeral.
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00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,327
But only open
on the middle part...
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00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:25,563
...to this day, every time
I see a pile of dog doo,
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00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,999
I take a step in it
just for Spunky.
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00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:30,735
So to answer the question,
I'm gonna have to say
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00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:32,804
both yes and no.
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00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,006
All right, that's
all the time we got.
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I'd like to thank our sponsor,
the U.S. Postal Service.
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When you want something
expensive thrown on your porch
126
00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:42,947
and stolen, you want
the U.S. Postal Service.
127
00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:44,516
What the hell was that?
128
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:46,518
I know! Cleveland, you
ruined the whole podcast.
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00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:49,688
Yeah, if I wanted to hear a
black guy ramble like a lunatic,
130
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,956
I'd watch Family Feud.
Yeah, I mean,
that was worse
131
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:55,427
than an Italian guy
describing someone's sexuality.
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00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,095
Anyway, my brother Louie,
he's a...
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00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,297
he's a little off
to the side, you know?
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00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:01,299
Uh, foofy.
Uh, up to the knuckle.
135
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:03,301
He's a...
he's a backwards mechanic.
136
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,337
Likes to play in the dirt.
You mean gay?
137
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:07,005
(screams)
Mama!
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00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,306
(sobbing)
Marone! Peter!
139
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,175
Mama, Louie's not gay,
he's...
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00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,510
he's creative.
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00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:14,546
♪ ♪
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Hey, Stewie, thanks for
letting me stay in your room.
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00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,054
Oh, Brian, please--
it's our room now.
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00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:24,489
Hey, what are we
gonna do tonight?
145
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,358
Ooh, maybe we should watch
that movie about Freud
146
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:28,360
where Michael Fassbender
repeatedly spanks
147
00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,395
Keira Knightley to orgasm?
148
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,564
You saw that movie?
I saw that scene.
149
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:34,132
(whistles)
150
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,468
So, I was thinking
this could be your area.
151
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,169
Okay, yeah, yeah.
This is great.
152
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,372
And fair warning--
some of the books are pop-up,
153
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:42,474
so don't be alarmed.
Aah! Son of a bitch!
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00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,476
Friggin' bird
came out of nowhere!
155
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,811
You know, I have a good
feeling about this, Brian.
156
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After all, you certainly
can't be any worse
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00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:50,182
than the last
roommate I had.
158
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,319
What the...?
Please don't cry.
159
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,154
She's already
very angry at me.
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00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,523
LOIS: Peter, where are you?
You will wash your hands
161
00:05:58,558 --> 00:05:59,758
after you poop.
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00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,025
Shh, shh.
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00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:02,427
(whispers):
I won't.
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00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:04,463
♪ ♪
165
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,665
You know, this
is exciting.
166
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:08,933
Our second podcast.
167
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,435
All right,
but listen up, Cleveland.
168
00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:12,437
No more of your
long stories, all right?
169
00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,439
Yeah, people aren't used
to boring podcasts.
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00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:17,776
Oh, I'm sorry. I suppose
they ought to call me "Jelly,"
171
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,078
'cause sometimes
I get on a roll.
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That. That.
173
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,548
J... N-None of that.
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00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:25,950
Welcome once again
to Thanks for the Clamories.
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00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:28,219
Okay, common question
that everybody thinks about.
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00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:30,755
How many fourth-graders you
think you could take at once?
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00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:32,857
What?
I mean, obviously,
if you had to fight
178
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,859
against a million
fourth-graders, you'd lose.
179
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,861
So, like, what's...
what's the real number?
180
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,863
Like, what's the legitimate
number of fourth-graders
181
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,865
that you could
successfully take on?
182
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,101
Let's say a hundred.
That sounds reasonable.
Oh, no way.
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00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:45,470
A hundred and
you're dead.
Why are we fighting, now?
184
00:06:45,505 --> 00:06:47,906
'Cause they're idiots.
Did they say something
about my mother?
185
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,141
What? Yes. Okay,
yeah, yeah, we'll say yes.
186
00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:52,777
Oh, then a baker's dozen.
What kind of weapons?
187
00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:54,746
Only what's available
in the schoolyard.
188
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,615
You could really mess up some
kids with a chain from a swing.
189
00:06:57,650 --> 00:06:59,617
Just da-da-da-da-
da-da-da-da-da!
190
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,487
All right, tell you what I'd do,
I'd back into a bathroom stall,
191
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:04,823
and just start kickin'.
Dead! Dead! Dead!
192
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,225
Keep comin'! Dead!
Give 'em a narrow entry point,
193
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,660
make 'em come in
single file.
194
00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,962
Dead! Dead! Anyway,
I guess I'm trying to say
195
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,397
800 fourth-graders.
196
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,132
Why are we talking
about killing kids?
197
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,468
People are gonna hate this.
Peter, do something else, quick.
198
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:19,637
I'll-I'll... uh, what if
I play some kick-ass music?
199
00:07:19,672 --> 00:07:22,140
♪ You've got to know
when to hold 'em... ♪
200
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,675
Kick-ass? This
is not kick-ass.
201
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,777
Wait, hang on, hang on,
I'll find something.
202
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:27,912
(techno beat plays
along with "The Gambler")
203
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,514
You're playing two songs
at once.
204
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:31,182
What even is this?
I-I don't know.
205
00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:32,584
I'm just
pressing buttons!
206
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,786
I got to admit,
it does have a groove.
207
00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:37,121
Look! Those people
are even dancing to it.
208
00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:38,923
(with techno beat):
♪ Every gambler knows ♪
209
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,925
♪ That the secret
to survivin'... ♪
210
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,862
Aw, great! I accidentally
started Chris's birth video.
211
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:46,531
LOIS (on video):
Ow! O-O-O-O-O-Ow! Ow!
212
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:47,699
Ow!
213
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,767
Ow! Kill me!
214
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:51,970
Kill me!
Hey, what's that song
you're playing?
215
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,939
I don't know, it's just
random garbage from my computer.
216
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,175
Oh, you're a deejay!
That's perfect!
217
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,811
I own a nightclub for
cocaine people and Armenians.
218
00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,980
I need noise.
You available?
219
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,348
We're in!
Great!
220
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:06,384
I'll see you guys
Wednesday at 2:00 a.m.
221
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,485
What the hell was that?
We're supposed
222
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:08,686
to be doing a podcast.
223
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:10,121
Peter, I don't know
if you noticed,
224
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,990
but the podcast
was a disaster.
225
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,726
Yeah, and we were looking for
something to do as a foursome.
226
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,728
But how can I be a deejay?
227
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:19,397
I'm just a guy with a laptop
and an inflated self-image.
228
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,832
Trust me, you're perfect.
229
00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:23,067
All right, sounds good.
Let's do this.
230
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:26,471
Okay, but hold on. I got
four quarters on Golden Tee.
231
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,972
(grunts)
232
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,240
How am I doing?
233
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:31,175
Good job, Joe!
A hole in one!
234
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:34,179
(quietly): He just
keeps switching clubs.
235
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,353
Kids, time for dinner.
Where's your father?
236
00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:44,722
I think he's getting ready
for his deejay gig.
237
00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:46,157
His what?
238
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,525
(techno beat playing)
239
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,727
Hmm. Still a
trace of melody.
240
00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:51,729
I'll just add
some power tools.
241
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:55,567
(techno beat and
mechanical whirring, rattling)
242
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:58,836
Yeah. Yeah, I'd drink vodka
and Gatorade to that.
243
00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:01,005
Peter, since when
are you a deejay?
244
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,707
Since some guy
came in the Clam
245
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:04,509
and heard my awesome
jams and beats.
246
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,344
Well, he's got
the lingo down.
247
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,412
Thanks, Chris.
248
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:10,548
Now, scream!
(screaming)
249
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,884
Hey, you are good
at this, Dad.
250
00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,953
Peter, knock it off.
You're a middle-aged man.
251
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,788
You can't be a deejay.
252
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:18,957
Why not? I could
totally be a deejay.
253
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:21,626
For God's sake, John
Travolta's a pilot.
254
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:23,561
TRAVOLTA (over speakers):
This is your captain speaking.
255
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,430
We have reached
our cruising altitude.
256
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:29,067
It is now safe to take off
your wigs and be gay.
257
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,902
(ding)
258
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,938
♪ ♪
259
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,074
Whoa, what's all this?
260
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,543
Oh, just some stuff
I got out of my storage unit.
261
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,311
Check this out.
You'll love this.
262
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,413
Do I look like
a Terminator dog?
263
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:44,215
No.
Yeah, I do.
264
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,519
Look, I even brought
Tom Sizemore's Game of Life.
265
00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:52,557
"Sell rights to
Saving Private Ryan residuals
266
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,993
to buy a case of Coors Light."
267
00:09:56,963 --> 00:10:00,365
"Steal your son's wallet
while he's in the shower."
268
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,302
"Miss audition."
269
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,439
"Scoop someone's urine
from Starbucks toilet
270
00:10:08,474 --> 00:10:10,008
to pass drug test."
271
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,744
Feels like we should be moving
these pieces backwards.
272
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,113
(techno beat playing)
273
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,515
ANNOUNCER:
Okay, let's make some noise
274
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:20,585
for Deejay Peter
and the Sound Slap!
275
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,586
(crowd cheering)
276
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,121
(electronic explosion)
277
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,622
QUAGMIRE: Giggity,
giggity, giggity, giggity,
278
00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,624
giggity, giggity, giggity,
giggity, giggity!
279
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:28,860
♪
♪
Give it to 'em.
280
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,528
PETER (over speakers):
Shut up, Meg.
281
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,030
Sh-Sh-Shut up, Meg.
282
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,665
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
283
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,266
Butt scratcher!
Butt scratcher!
284
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:36,968
(indistinct, rhythmic shouts)
285
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:38,469
LOIS:
Peter, Peter, Peter...
286
00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:40,104
CLEVELAND: Roadhouse.
Roadhouse.
287
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,606
That's nasty.
That's nasty.
288
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,108
LOIS:
What? Wha-Wha-Wha-What?
289
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,677
This place is awesome!
290
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:48,012
Totally!
And did you see Tom Sizemore
291
00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:50,281
in the bathroom with a ladle?
292
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,684
(techno beat continues)
293
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,523
You've been playing
the exact same song
294
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,024
for 14 hours.
295
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:01,392
That means you're great.
296
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:02,960
I was right
about you guys.
297
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,830
Weird you turned that into
a compliment about yourself.
298
00:11:05,865 --> 00:11:08,666
Well, I'm on cocaine.
299
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:11,335
My kid's baseball team
came in second place.
300
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:13,071
I don't care about that.
301
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,973
But listen, there's a big
music festival coming up.
302
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,042
You've got some
mad deejay skills.
303
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,178
You could be
our headliner.
304
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,915
Electric Clam Festival?
305
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:25,349
Yeah, it's gonna
be awesome.
306
00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:27,318
So what do you say?
Well, I don't know.
307
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,520
I-I should probably check with
the guys and see what they...
308
00:11:29,555 --> 00:11:31,089
What? You don't
need the guys.
309
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,225
I didn't see their fingers
press three buttons.
310
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:36,394
Huh. I guess I do have a gift.
311
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,428
So are you in?
312
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:38,696
Yeah, that'd be amazing.
313
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:39,931
Can I kiss you?
314
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:41,699
Excuse me?
I don't know.
315
00:11:41,734 --> 00:11:43,668
Someone gave me a pill,
and now all I want to do
316
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,103
is feel your jacket.
317
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,572
(moaning):
Oh, yeah.
318
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,808
No, no, stay here.
Stay here.
319
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,612
♪ ♪
320
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,247
That. That. That.
See, listen. Right there.
321
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,582
You can't hear
that on a CD.
322
00:11:57,617 --> 00:11:59,217
Only the vinyl, man.
323
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:02,520
I'm glad we hung out after
you struck out with my mom.
324
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,888
You know, I could've
used some help
325
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:05,289
folding these
fitted sheets.
326
00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:07,225
Who's this turd?
Oh, this is Georgie.
327
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,694
Brian, I never said
you could have guests.
328
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,129
Hey, don't touch that.
329
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,764
Okay, red flags flying.
330
00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,732
Look, I need him
out of here.
331
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:17,535
You can't kick him out. He's my
friend, and I live here, too.
332
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,604
Not anymore. I want
you out of my room.
333
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,906
Well, it's not your room
anymore, it's our room.
334
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,041
Lois said so,
and I'm not leaving.
335
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:26,778
I can't believe I ever wanted
you here in the first place.
336
00:12:26,813 --> 00:12:29,313
You're messy, you're loud,
and thanks to you,
337
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:30,948
we've got a recurring
flea problem.
338
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,984
♪ ♪
339
00:12:34,987 --> 00:12:37,221
Hey, Bri. You
want to hang out?
340
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,223
Go away, Flea.
You're not welcome here.
341
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:41,058
And put on a shirt.
You're 50.
342
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,527
Actually, 54.
343
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,330
♪ ♪
344
00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:47,665
(scratching)
345
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,200
(knocking on door)
346
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,905
Peter, I was plowing this
college chick last night,
347
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,374
and I saw this flyer
on her mini fridge.
348
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,945
I thought we were all
in this together.
349
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,480
Well, yeah.
That's the thing.
350
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,816
A guy on cocaine told
me I'm the talent.
351
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:06,150
So what,
you're just dropping us?
352
00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:07,985
Yeah, how could you
just ditch us?
353
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,421
All right, you know what? You
guys were riding my coattails.
354
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,956
I carried you as
long as I could,
355
00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:14,091
but Rob Kardashian's
gonna be at this thing,
356
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,526
so I got to
be at my best.
357
00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:16,994
Now, get out of here.
I got to practice.
358
00:13:17,029 --> 00:13:18,596
♪ ♪
359
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,831
Damn it, Peter.
That's too loud.
360
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:20,998
Turn it down.
361
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:23,401
That isn't loud.
This is.
362
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:28,639
It's not loud until you
can feel your head bones.
363
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:31,776
If you can't hack it,
take a hike.
364
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,211
Why's he being
such a jerk?
365
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,679
I don't know.
366
00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:36,314
We've always had
each other's backs,
367
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:37,949
like when we used
to rob banks
368
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,984
in lesser-known
presidents masks.
369
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:42,720
PETER:
All right. Remember to tell
everyone who did this.
370
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,856
Um. Who are you guys
supposed to be?
371
00:13:44,891 --> 00:13:46,524
PETER (scoffs):
Oh, come on. I'm James K. Polk.
372
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:47,992
He's Millard Fillmore.
373
00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:49,527
He's William Henry Harrison.
374
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,662
JOE: First president
to die in office.
375
00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:52,964
You should've
been FDR.
376
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,131
Why?
377
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,900
'Cause of the...
you know.
378
00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:57,568
The wheelchair
doesn't define me!
379
00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,403
CLEVELAND:
And I'm Grover Cleveland.
380
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:00,972
It's funny,
'cause my name's Cleveland.
381
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:02,206
PETER:
Aw, damn it, Cleveland.
382
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:03,674
Now we got to kill 'em all.
383
00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:05,643
This guy gets it first.
384
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,679
♪ ♪
385
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:12,049
(alarm ringing)
386
00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:13,985
Ugh. Didn't you
hear the alarm?
387
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,153
Peter, wake up.
388
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,422
We're gonna be
late for church.
389
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:20,324
Are you even
listening to me?
390
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,226
You've got to stop
coming home so late
391
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:24,061
if you can't get up
in the morning, and...
392
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:26,063
(speaking, no sound)
393
00:14:26,098 --> 00:14:28,099
(heart beating)
394
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,241
(silence continues except
for heart beating)
395
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:50,621
Oh, God.
I can't hear Garfield.
396
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:53,124
I've gone deaf.
397
00:14:55,127 --> 00:14:57,128
♪ ♪
398
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,465
All right, now how long has
your husband smelled like this?
399
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:04,035
Oh, no. That's just from
riding here in a hot car,
400
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,736
but Dr. Hartman,
what about his hearing?
401
00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:07,204
Hearing?
402
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,806
This is a hospital,
I'm not a lawyer.
403
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:11,409
Oh, for God's sake,
is my husband deaf?
404
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:14,111
Well, there's only one way
to find out definitively.
405
00:15:14,146 --> 00:15:16,781
Hey stupid deaf guy!
406
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:19,050
Well, I've gotten the
results back. He's deaf.
407
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,584
This is horrible.
408
00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:22,386
This must be because
of all that loud,
409
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:25,122
blaring music he's been
playing in those nightclubs.
410
00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:27,224
What's going on?
Can he fix it in time
411
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,126
for me to deejay at
the music festival?
412
00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:30,828
No.
What?
413
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:33,230
No!
What?
414
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,598
Are you sure?
415
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,067
Yes.
What?
416
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:39,070
(laughing):
Have a good life.
417
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,105
♪ ♪
418
00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:45,076
Hey, guys, I don't
know if you've heard,
419
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,410
but I've gone deaf.
420
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:47,678
You what?
What?
421
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:48,913
Oh, you're
ear crippled?
422
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,114
I can't hear
you, Joe.
423
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,482
Here's a bag
of Alpha-Bits.
424
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,351
Please spell out
what you're saying.
425
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,121
Oh, there's no "L"s.
426
00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:58,990
By the way, I ate all
the "L"s. They're delicious.
427
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,791
They're my favorite ones.
What are you talking about?
428
00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:02,593
They all taste the same.
What?
429
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,195
Why don't you just
text it to him?
430
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:05,663
You know,
that's a good idea.
431
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:07,765
What the hell do you want?
432
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,501
You told us you were
a big shot deejay
433
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,137
and didn't want anything
to do with us.
434
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:14,271
(phone chimes)
435
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,673
I don't think
he can hear it.
436
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,809
Oh, son of a bitch.
Look at your phone.
437
00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:20,544
Oh, what do I want?
438
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:22,380
Um, the Electric Clam
Festival's coming up,
439
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,215
and I need your help.
440
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:27,118
Now that I'm deaf, I can't
do it without you guys.
441
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,886
Forget it. You told us
to go to hell.
442
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,454
Well, now you
can go to hell.
443
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:31,722
Oh, great. Thanks.
444
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,190
I knew I could
count on you guys.
445
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:35,659
No, we said no.
What?
446
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,695
♪ ♪
447
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,699
One, two, thr... Aw, crap.
448
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,001
One, two... Come on.
449
00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:46,037
All right. This time
for the world record.
450
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,141
Eww. What the hell is that?
451
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,876
It's a ferret.
Look at it, Brian.
452
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,511
It's like a long rat.
453
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,813
Like a living tail.
Look at its feet.
454
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,249
Eww. They're gross.
Why'd you get a ferret?
455
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,151
All the worst
roommates have ferrets.
456
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,852
You want to pet it?
It bites.
457
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:04,088
I can't sleep with
that monster in here.
458
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:06,223
That's the idea.
I want you out.
459
00:17:06,258 --> 00:17:08,526
This room belongs to me
and the ferret now.
460
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,094
Why you being such
a dick about this?
461
00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:13,030
Because. You're a pain
in the ass to live with.
462
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:14,765
What did you just do?
463
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,668
I just pushed
a little bitch baby.
464
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,236
(yelling)
465
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:21,338
(both grunting)
466
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,873
Oh, Brian, there you are.
467
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:24,442
I wanted to tell you
that you can come back
468
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,910
and sleep in our room.
469
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:27,344
What? I can?
470
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:28,913
Yeah. Turns out
it was Peter
471
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:30,581
who was causing
my allergies.
472
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,550
He stuffed all
our pillows with hay
473
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:35,453
because he thought it looked
comfortable in cartoons.
474
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:39,090
Wow. Then, I guess
I'm moving out.
475
00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:41,025
I guess you are.
476
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,626
(sighs)
Look, Stewie, I-I...
477
00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:44,428
I probably got a
little carried away.
478
00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:47,698
I'm sorry I wasn't
the best roommate.
479
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,266
Hey, Brian.
480
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:51,602
You know, maybe I wasn't
such a great guy, either.
481
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:53,104
I'm sorry.
482
00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:55,372
Oh, that's okay.
483
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,274
You know, even if we
were bad roommates,
484
00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:58,976
we'll always be
good friends.
485
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:01,445
I hope you and your ferret
are happy in here together.
486
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,880
Well, now that
you're moving out,
487
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,381
I'll probably just
drown it in the tub.
488
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:05,483
(screams)
489
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,218
Brian! Brian! Aah!
490
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:08,919
It bit my nose!
He's latching on!
491
00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:10,221
Stop moving.
I almost got him.
492
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,456
Fill the tub,
fill the tub!
493
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:14,492
♪ ♪
494
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,163
Hey, Stella,
can I ask you something?
495
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:22,466
When you went deaf, did your
other senses get better?
496
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,935
No. That's a
common myth.
497
00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:27,104
Chances are you'll
be hit by a bus
498
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:28,906
in the first
three months.
499
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,474
What?
500
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:32,510
Uh, damn it.
Being deaf sucks.
501
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:35,179
I'd rather be stuck
on a Disney cruise.
502
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:37,281
Ho-ho, ho-ho.
503
00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:39,583
Don't eat the shrimp. Ho-ho.
504
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,986
(sighs) You know,
the worst part of all of this
505
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,921
is I lost my friends.
506
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,990
I was a complete jerk
to them.
507
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,159
I don't blame them
for not wanting to help me.
508
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:49,493
What?
509
00:18:49,528 --> 00:18:51,095
QUAGMIRE:
We heard you, Peter.
510
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,998
Hey, Peter!
We're over here.
511
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,833
You got to throw
something at him.
512
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,635
Ow. Damn it.
513
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,670
What are you
guys doing here?
514
00:19:32,037 --> 00:19:34,038
(cheering)
515
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:39,376
All right, Peter,
it's all cued up.
516
00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:41,178
Just push this button.
517
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:42,746
Okay. Here we go.
518
00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:44,415
No, Peter,
not that one!
519
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:46,050
NARRATOR (over computer):
Audible dot com presents,
520
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:48,552
Are You There, Vodka?
It's Me, Chelsea,
521
00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:50,387
as read by Chelsea Handler.
522
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:52,256
Peter, that's
the wrong track!
523
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:54,592
Yeah, pretty
good stuff, huh?
524
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:58,262
CHELSEA HANDLER:
Chapter one. Stuff I can fit
in my lady place.
525
00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:01,765
Up first, Eiffel Tower
Lego sculpture...
526
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,167
Yup.
527
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,202
Peter, we got to stop this.
528
00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:07,004
CHELSEA HANDLER:
Soup thermos... Yup.
529
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,272
It's locked.
530
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:09,673
Yeah. Awesome, huh?
531
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,742
Wait. How come
everyone's leaving?
532
00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:15,045
CHELSEA HANDLER:
Brother brand all-in-one
fax scanner color copier
533
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,081
with phone attachment...
534
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:19,350
(groaning):
Yup.
535
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,385
♪ ♪
536
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,289
Well, bad news.
537
00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:26,857
'Cause of that
audiobook fiasco
538
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,225
I got fired
from the club.
539
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:29,526
Hey, what's
with your voice?
540
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,095
Did you get your
hearing back?
541
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,763
Oh, yeah. Turns out
it wasn't the loud music
542
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:34,565
at the clubs that
made me go deaf.
543
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,533
It was the fistfuls
of Oxycontin.
544
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,269
Well, that stinks
about your deejay job.
545
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,104
Sorry it didn't work out
for you.
546
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,572
That's okay.
547
00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:43,107
I just appreciate
that you guys
548
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:45,609
were there for me
and tried to help me out.
549
00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:47,878
Especially after I'd been
such a jerk to you.
550
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,214
Well, it's good to have
you back to normal, Peter.
551
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,749
Now, if you'll excuse me,
552
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:53,417
I'm up on Big Buck Hunter.
553
00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:57,488
I get 'em?
Oh, yeah. You got them all, Joe.
554
00:20:57,523 --> 00:21:00,658
We didn't even put quarters
in the game. He don't know.
555
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,128
(techno music playing)
556
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,963
QUAGMIRE:
Yay! Oh...
557
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,298
(sighing)
558
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:09,233
Giggity, giggity!
Giggity, giggity!
559
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,335
LOIS: Who wants chowder?
Who wants chowder?
560
00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:12,770
JOE: Hey, Peter.
PETER: Sweet.
561
00:21:12,805 --> 00:21:14,004
QUAGMIRE: Whoa.
LOIS: P-P-P-Peter.
562
00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:15,572
P-P-P-Peter, what the hell?
MEG: But Dad!
563
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:17,274
LOIS: What the hell?
PETER: Shut up, Meg.
564
00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:18,909
Butt scratcher!
Butt scratcher!
565
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,844
JOE: Hey, buddy.
CLEVELAND: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...
566
00:21:20,879 --> 00:21:23,247
no! Oh, no!
QUAGMIRE: Giggity, giggity!
567
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,581
PETER: Shut up, Meg.
(Joe exclaims)
568
00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:26,350
(Stewie trills)
569
00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:27,785
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
570
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:29,453
BRIAN:
Whose leg do you have to hump
571
00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:30,954
to get a dry martini
around here?
572
00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:32,690
PETER: Sweet!