Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com
This is hard!
I thought this would be...
Okay, I got this.
This is no problem. I went to college.
You're not launching a harpoon here, Cassie.
You're just buying a new vibrator.
Look, just, like, pick one and take it home,
and if it doesn't rock your world,
you can just give it to Goodwill.
The working class has a right to climax.
Okay, can you Google "waterproof power-stud,
"the stud with the maximum power?"
No, don't start with the reviews. Just pick one.
I don't even eat without Yelping it first.
Do you think I'm gonna put something inside of my body?
Oh, dude, this one's like 20 bucks.
That's a really good deal.
Okay, but that one's too big, right?
No, not a plug-in.
What's the worst that could happen?
Uh, I end up like Maxie Temple.
- What? - Her plug-in overheated.
She burnt off her lady parts. You're the one who told me that.
She was in the hospital for like two weeks.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, Maxie Temple had ovarian cysts.
- I was just fucking with you. - What?
Oh, my God. I avoided her for like a year
out of empathy embarrassment.
Oh, that explains why she was so pissed.
- Fuck Zack. - Can we please not say his name?
Look, the best way to get back at assholes
is a life well lived and an orgasm well deserved.
Dress for the vagina that you want.
Oh, yes, I get the free ball gag.
All right, I'll see you at home.
No, dude, I'll give you a ride home.
Just do your job. I'll Uber.
Dude, fuck Uber, this is free.
It's not like Joe and Jane Kansas
give me shit for tips anyways.
Prove me wrong, tourists!
That is why Los Angeles is known today
as... LA.
Oh, wow. Is that Zack's Instagram?
- No. - Mm.
It sure looks like Zack's Instagram.
Listen, I tried to unfollow,
but I think there's, like, a glitch or something.
He cheated on you after a year.
And a week and two days,
but he only cheated on me two weeks ago,
which just would have, like, put it under a year
by a couple of days. But I only found out about it
when I saw that text from him on Monday,
so really, it's just all about how you count time.
You're like a cold survivor.
[Click, feedback]
And up on the right
is the Filipino Baptist church.
Filipino Baptist.
♪ 'Cause it's the only way I'll get better ♪
All right, here it is.
You're gonna go in there,
and you're gonna vibrate yourself into the seventh dimension.
And then tonight, we're gonna go find yourself a jacked-up idiot,
and you're gonna go get back on that horse,
and you're gonna ride his cock into the sunset.
I don't know. I feel like I need...
some time to reflect, you know? Like...
who is that girl I see,
staring straight back at me?
Are you fucking quoting Mulan at me right now?
She was so strong.
She cut off, like, all of her hair.
- Oh. - Come here.
- Are you good? - Yeah.
You're not on the verge of a Britney Spears meltdown?
- No. - [Laughs]
Get off my bus and go masturbate.
Okay.
I'll be home later.
Excuse me. Are we in Beverly Hills yet?
Uh, yes.
Yes, ma'am, we are. We are in Beverly Hills.
♪ ♪
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Ooh!
♪ All the things that I've done ♪
♪ Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one ♪
♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪
- Wendy, we can do this later. - Nonsense, why waste time?
Do you know why I brought you onto my team?
Um, b-because...
Okay, always have an answer. Never hesitate.
Ken Hall taught me that.
Okay, feet in stirrups.
Ken is a genius.
He was my mentor, and now I get to be yours.
I brought you here to be my new social media guru,
my little expert of the interwebs,
and do you know how excited that makes me?
Uh, on a scale from 1 to 10...
[Laughing] So excited.
In fact, as your first official assignment,
I'm am going to have you run point
on the Tor Helberg event tomorrow night.
- The art show? - Mm.
Wendy, I've never done anything like that before.
And do you know how much faith I have
that you will handle it beautifully?
- So much. - [Laughs]
- This is gonna be cold. - That's a girl.
8:00 p.m., Proton Gallery. You be there at 7:00.
Uh, 6:45. Uh, 6:30 to be safe.
6:15.
- Now, be a love and feed my meter. - _
Hey, can I get a wipe?
[Ringing]
Cassie, thank God you called.
- Hey, Mom. What's up? - I'm out of energy drinks.
Yeah, okay, we're gonna need better emergency codes.
You know that I called whats-it.com over an hour ago.
I'm worried about the Mexican delivery boy.
He's never late, ever.
Okay, so first, little racist.
He could be in a ditch somewhere.
I'm sure he is not in a ditch.
Well, that's what Jenny Abel said,
and then her son didn't return from Bermuda.
And I said, "Jenny, he could be in a ditch somewhere."
And Jenny said, "He's not in a ditch."
And then, where was he?
[Sighs] In a ditch.
In a Bermudan ditch.
Just... Mom, just text me what you need from the store,
- and I'll pick it up for you. - [Sighs]
You're a life saver, Cassie-bear. Thank you.
I love you.
That's what you keep telling me.
Her name is...
Moonshadow?
Fucking Moonshadow?
Who's got shots?
Claire's gut shots.
I got 10. I think that'll be good for now.
I just can't believe her name is Moonshadow.
Oh, for fuck's sake, you're still on his Facebook?
It just popped up, Claire, like a zit, like a pussy boil.
I mean, like, two weeks ago, we were buying soap together,
and now, all of a sudden, he's hiking the Appalachian trail
with Moonshadow Rosenberg.
God damn, she does have a good ass.
I know I shouldn't even be mad at her.
He's the one that's using us like fucking toilet paper.
- It's probably from all the hiking. - Shut the fuck up, Claire.
Fuck him, dude.
I know. You need to go up to Kim's,
and we need to do ayahuasca.
It's gonna solve everything.
No, I can't. I can't with all the beads
and the projectile vomiting.
That's the best part.
- [Laughter] - Ladies!
- Hey, Lex. - Scooch, scooch.
Honey, I am so sorry about Zack.
I'm not. He can hike all he wants to.
- Maybe he'll get Lyme disease. - Cass, no.
Did you see my tweet this morning?
Don't eat meat?
I did tweet that, but also,
resentment is like taking poison
and waiting for the other person to die.
Oprah Winfrey said that.
Or Carrie Fisher. That's still up for debate.
But my point is,
you can't keep all that negative energy inside of you.
I will keep that in mind.
You guys should come to one of my classes.
All your bad feelings just float away.
- No, no, no, no. No. - What?
No.
Cassie has all that she needs...
right here.
Oh, you guys, look. That one's cute, right there.
Oh. Yeah, Cassie, what about that guy?
Tribal tattoo, left bicep.
Owns a snake, way too into it.
Fucking nailed it.
You guys always do this, and I will not be a part of it.
You have to give someone a change.
Okay, I'll give that guy a chance.
Claire, guy at the end of the bar.
- No. - Beard for days.
Yeah, let's give him a chance.
Okay, um,
lives with a girl, just roommates.
Okay.
But he Photoshops her head onto nudes
while jerking it and licking her panties,
- and... - Ew. Claire...
- ... choking himself. - Gross!
You are so good at this game.
- I know. - No!
I wish I could make a career out of this game.
I bet you'd be good at it. Do one, Lex.
- Do one. Do it. - Okay, okay. Um...
[Chuckles] Mmhmm.
He's addicted to Internet porn.
Why did you just call it Internet porn?
- I'm gonna take over from here. - Yeah.
Narcissist, or blind.
That's rude. Oh, shit,
I bet he's blind, and now I'm such an asshole.
He's totally blind.
I'm tapping out,
I have this Tor Helberg event tomorrow.
- No, no! - Oh, my God. Wait,
- I'm going to that. - You are?
Yeah, his agent's, like, totally into stretchology.
- Imagine that. - Let's take a shot.
- Excuse me, miss? - Go away, I'm not interested.
- Well, you left your coat. - I wasn't wearing a coat,
but that's a really nice try.
But I-I saw you wearing it.
Listen, I'm gonna pepper spray your ass so hard...
Yeah.
That's mine.
Thank you.
Hey, you were that guy
who was taking video selfies...
in the bar.
Oh, I was live streaming.
It's when you film yourself live.
Yeah, I know what it is.
Right. I was...
Well, I-I am developing an app.
So it was research.
Look, I know this is stupid,
but I can hear my mom's voice in my head
telling me, "Don't let that girl walk down a dark street alone."
That's what your mom sounds like?
It's an approximation.
She's from St. Louis, so...
It's a free country.
So, do you do that a lot?
Do you just broadcast your life to the world?
I mean, I guess no more than anyone else does...
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, a couple Tumblr blogs.
Oh, so you're like a real hermit.
Sorry about that guy...
I heard you talking about at the bar.
You heard that. [Chuckles]
You're kind of loud.
It's none of my business, but for what it's worth,
he sounds like a real jerk.
Right?
Thank you.
He is. He is a real jerk.
- I'm a very good judge of character. - You...
are an excellent judge of character.
Zack Filaso is an enormous asshole who lied to me,
and wasted a year of my life,
who is now hiking the Appalachian trail
with Moonshadow.
Wait, whoa, Moonshadow?
She is the worst.
What's your name?
- Owen. - What's your deal, Owen?
Uh, I'm from up north,
- pretty laid back. - Are you a piece of shit?
- Don't lie to me. - No, I-I don't...
I don't think I am.
♪ ♪
♪ Go ♪
♪ R-Ready, r-ready, ready, go ♪
♪ Get set, go ♪
[Cellphone vibrating]
Dude,
you're blowing up.
[Sighs] Fuck.
_
[Both panting]
_
What the fuck?
The is Claire, roll the dice.
[Beep]
A guy...
Can... Can you come home?
Just come home, please.
Hey, have you seen my phone?
Wait.
No, that's a mistake.
Oh, shit.
Shit, I must have butt-dialed the app.
God, I am such an idiot.
Okay, fine, I live-streamed us having sex.
But don't worry, no one's gonna know it's you.
I just shot tits and ass. You can look at the frame.
You're hair was covering your face.
Do you have any idea how violating that is?
I don't get a lot of girls like you.
This was a win for me.
Holy shit. He thinks I'm a fucking carnival game.
Okay, can we just... can we just calm down for a second?
You're telling me to calm down?
I wasn't trying to hurt you
or, uh, e-exploit you, right?
So, where's the foul?
Okay, just because you weren't trying to...
doesn't mean that you didn't actually do it.
Get the fuck out of my house.
I'm sorry.
I-I really fucked up.
It was a stupid move.
Now can you give me my phone?
- No. - Please give me the phone.
No, and definitely not before I text your mom
to tell her what a fucking asshole son
- she's raised. - Don't text my mom.
- Don't text my mom. Do not text my mom. - Dear Mrs. Needle Dick.
Give me the phone. Give me the...
give me the... give me the phone!
Ow! God damn it!
You spread your legs after five minutes of conversation,
so I figured you were down for some fun.
Fuck me for being an idiot, right?
Give me the phone.
You really are crazy.
Don't say that.
You women want it both ways. You have everything,
but you whine about always being at the bottom.
[Laughs] And you think guys are so shitty?
Maybe they're only shitty to you.
The rest of the world gets by just fine,
but maybe when you act like a crazy bitch,
you get what you deserve.
Now who's crazy, bitch?
Wake up.
Oh, fuck.
Wakey, wakey.
♪ Fuck ♪
All right. Uh, 10-minute break, people.
Actually, you know what? It might be about like 15.
Oh, and for safety, make sure that you don't go
more than like 2 blocks south.
Or east.
Actually, you know what? Maybe just stay on the bus.
Hey, dude.
That's a nice look. What's with the voice-mail?
[Muffled grunting]
I... he... he grabbed me,
and then I-I pushed him,
and then he, like, fell and hit his head.
And I... like, I was so angry.
And I was still, like, a little bit drunk,
which I know isn't an excuse, but, like... [Sighs]
He said I deserved it.
Like Sam and Zack and Amir,
like somehow they were all my fault.
And I don't know, I just froke out,
and I hit him on the head with a dumbbell.
What?
I hit him on the head...
with a dumbbell.
I mean, what other choice did I have?
You could have not hit him on the head with a dumbbell.
I don't know. I would have just punched him in the fucking face.
Whatever. Fuck it.
What this motherfucker did is illegal.
Yeah. Look at me.
I'm fucking talking to you.
You should have called the cops on his ginger ass.
Yeah, but look at him.
He is exactly what is wrong with all of them.
He's smug, and he's arrogant,
and he's narcissistic,
and he live-streamed us having sex.
So you tied him up.
With duct tape.
- And yarn. - It's afghan knit.
No way. That's a really nice weave. Four-ply?
- 12, on sale at Michaels. - Michaels.
[Grunts loudly]
Oh, shit. I'm gonna go to jail.
And not like Martha Stewart jail,
but like "mom who freaks out
and murders all of her children" jail.
No, you're not gonna go to jail.
No one's going anywhere.
It's just you and me...
and ginger boy.
Owen. He's an app developer.
An app developer?
Fuck you. You're not a fucking app developer.
Are you an app developer, Owen?
Don't fucking lie to me, Owen!
[Grunting loudly]
Are you a fucking app developer?
That's what I thought.
The only thing he's developed is herpes.
I hope not.
You're fine. You're fine. You're fine.
- You're fine. - [Sighs]
Okay, so, what are we gonna do now?
- We obviously can't let him go. - No,
and I got a fuck-ton of tourists to take back to Hollywood.
Yeah, and that's really good yarn.
It's not gonna hold forever.
We just need some time to think.
There's always the basement.
♪ Take down a number, you don't know that I've fallen ♪
♪ Somebody's talkin', but I know you'll be callin' ♪
♪ We're playin' hide and seek ♪
♪ Like one, two, three ♪
♪ Take it from me, take it from me ♪
♪ Get on your mark, let's go ♪
♪ Don't take it slow ♪
♪ Take it from me ♪
Are you comfortable? It's not too tight?
- [Muffled] Fuck you both! - Um, language.
Oh, we forgot the nipple clamps.
Claire, why would we need to clamp his nipples?
I don't know. They're just, like, there.
They're just like little, tiny, little,
pointy Mount Everests.
And who's to say he wouldn't like it?
I-I wouldn't like it.
- But who's to say. - I am.
- Now you're just talking in circles. - [Cellphone vibrating]
Oh, shit, I got to go work this event.
Can you watch him?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I can handle Owen. We'll have fun.
No, just... Just watch him.
Just watch him.
When I get back, we will make a plan.
Okay.
♪ Ooh, I been thinkin' that ♪
♪ This could take a while ♪
♪ Because rushing things is just not my style ♪
- I told you I'd be here. - Oh.
Isn't this amazing,
that such a tiny creature could inspire such great art?
Oh, yeah, Monet would be green with envy.
You know I did my senior thesis on Jasper and Nelkin's theories
behind the power of human-animal bond.
Oh, my God. He's dressed like a werewolf.
Tor is beside himself. Look at him.
Poor thing's practically having a panic attack.
I'd take care of it myself, but tonight is your night.
Cassandra, you are no longer an assistant.
You are now a full-on junior level
social media PR marketing manager,
and a young woman in full bloom.
Never settle for less than you deserve.
Now...
go wrangle some rodents.
Hi. I'm Cassandra French from Ken Hall Publicity.
- You must be... - Tor Helberg.
Oh, okay. I thought the guinea pig's name was Tor.
Such is the custom in Bavaria.
[Both laugh]
His hair is so long.
We are growing it out for our Beyoncé photo shoot.
How can I help?
Tor's girls refuse to come out of their cage.
You must retrieve.
Tor gets three females every gallery show.
The guinea pig has groupies?
Everyone wants to feel appreciated.
Right? Time is fleeting.
Okay, just to clarify,
um, so, you want me to procure...
female companionship.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. - Okay.
- You misunderstand. - [Laughs]
My English, perhaps, is bad.
Um, Tor does not require female companionship.
Tor requires to ejaculate, with a girl.
Oh. That's... Okay.
♪ ♪
[Guinea pigs squeaking]
Hey, girls.
Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you.
This isn't gonna be pretty.
And, like, I know that we're not even the same species,
but it's still a huge gender betrayal,
and I own that.
And, like, I don't... I don't know
if there's gonna be a ton of foreplay.
You guys might not even be in the mood,
but I've got bills to pay, and here I am, just, like,
giving it over to the patriarchy.
I don't have a lot of pig handling experience.
But it's been a super weird day,
so if you could just go easy on me,
and we can get the nightmare over with.
Are we cool?
I feel like we have an understanding here.
Okay, so, just...
be still.
[Guinea pig squeaking]
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry for this.
It's gonna be okay.
We'll get though it together.
[Knock on door]
- 911. - Oh, come here.
Ohh.
Sometimes, you're on top of the world,
and then other times, it's just, well...
- Pimpin' out rodents? - Well, I was gonna say,
"On house arrest."
[Chuckles]
But, uh,
we all have our own challenges.
How did you find Dad?
Well, we... we met at Gail Cullen's Christmas party.
No, I mean, like, how did you find him,
like, like, pluck him out of the sea of raging assholes?
Wow. Well,
one day, we had this big date. His car broke down,
and instead of canceling the date with me,
he got on an old 10 speed.
[Laughing] Aww.
Yes, your father was many things,
uh, none of them being athletic.
[Both laugh]
He showed up red and flushed and all scratched up...
oh, a lot like you.
But he showed up.
He was a good man, your dad.
He had his flaws, but he was a good man.
Yeah, I don't know if there are any good men left.
Oh, nonsense.
When your dad and I met, I mean,
he was just as confused as any boy.
I looked at it as my responsibility.
Something needs being done, well,
who else to do it but me?
You want something fixed,
you have to work at it.
_
Change doesn't come just by chance.
We're gonna teach him. We're gonna...
Hmm?
- Claire, hey! - I'm awake.
- We're gonna teach him. - What?
Think about what we accept from boys as normal, everyday.
The lies, the disrespect, the 3:00 a.m. booty calls,
the random dick picks, the expectation that we're
just available whenever they happen to be.
The casual dismissal of...
what we care about, and our opinions.
It's a million tiny violations
that all add up to a lifetime of unfulfilled wishes.
You're scaring me.
Go on.
The more you give, the more gets thrown back in your face.
Zack, Owen, Tor fucking Helberg,
all of these boys, these...
men in utero,
they all have potential.
You can say that boys suck,
and I hope to God that you're wrong, but,
in the end, there is really only one truth.
Everyone can change.
You just have to work really fucking hard at it.
Maybe we should just plant some drugs at his place and let him go.
- Yeah. - No, hey,
that's the fear talking.
We are way beyond that.
We have a chance to do the thing
that we have always been talking about.
We... we take a boy,
and we make him better.
- Huh? - What,
- like, lessons? - Yes,
like lessons and classes and field trips.
We... we could have a whole curriculum.
Listening, honesty, respect,
a little foreplay couldn't hurt.
We can fix all of that, and then once he's perfect,
we... we take him,
and then we release him back into the wild
to help fix the others.
We can do this.
We should do this.
- I just don't know how we do it. - I don't know, either.
But I know I need your help.
You and me, together.
[Muffled panting]
Okay, there we go.
Take it off.
Good morning, sunshine.
_
Class is in session.
Relax.
This is gonna be fun.
♪ I eat boys like you for breakfast ♪
♪ Where's my salt and pepper now? ♪
♪ Oregano, basil, and thyme ♪
♪ And my Tapatio ♪
♪ I eat boys like you for breakfast ♪
This season on "Cassandra French's Finishing School"...
- Never gonna work - It's gonna work.
It has to work. Everybody wants to learn.
- Okay. - How about an oral exam?
We got to be a team here.
Dude, we have to break him down...
sleep deprivation,
repetitive chanting.
He is destroying my lesson plan.
Anyway, you got... you got... do you... do you have company?
No. No.
_
She's fucking everywhere. She's, like, all over his wall.
- Who's the girl? - You're a sneaky, little devil.
- What's going on? - What's going on here
is, I caught this little freak red-handed.
Why were you inside my house?
- I met someone. - Is this, like, a thing?
Yeah, I think it's a thing.
- Where'd you meet? - We met at work.
- He's an actor. - Oh, Christ.
Let's schedule a follow-up for another day, shall we?
- So long as you bring this one. - Of course.
You really want to be taken seriously as a woman in this business?
- Don't sample the product. - Wendy, I would never.
Shut up and fuck me.
Do you think maybe this guy feels the same way about you?
Shut the fuck up.
I was telling you about my day,
and you were, like, starting at another woman's tits.
- No. - Get him ready, start it up.
- No. - Go to your happy place.
- [Whimpering] - Five.
Mnh-mnh.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com