Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com
Previously on "Cassandra French's Finishing School"...
Fuck Zack.
Perfection's a myth, and boys clearly suck.
- Whoo! - Are you a piece of shit?
No, I-I don't think I am.
I live-streamed us having sex.
But don't worry, no one's know it's you.
I just shot tits and ass.
We have a chance to do the thing
that we have always been talking about.
We take a boy, and we make him better.
What? Like lessons?
Yes.
Class is in session.
Okay. Let's try this again.
First few days at a new school, we've all been there.
So, while I'd hoped we'd be a little further along,
we'll just ease into things.
- Never gonna work. - It's gonna work.
It has to work. Everybody wants to learn.
Okay.
So, this is about assessment.
Just basic start-up questions
so we can help you be a better you.
Got it?
- Ow! - Claire!
The boy needs consequences.
That's not how I want to do things.
Dog shits on the floor,
you whack him with a magazine, right?
No. God, no, you don't do that.
Agree to disagree.
How about an oral exam?
Hurts a lot less than an anal one.
No pencils, no pressure. It'll be like a game show.
16 signs you might be a dick.
Question number one.
Do you have specific body type requirements
for the girls you date?
- Ow! - Claire!
Oh, God damn it, that felt so good.
- You gotta try it, Cassie. - Okay, Owen,
will you just excuse us for one moment?
Okay, we gotta be a team here.
He is destroying my lesson plan.
Dude, we have to break him down.
Sleep deprivation, repetitive chanting.
I mean, I can't teach him unless I assess him,
and I can't assess him if I don't know anything about him.
Like, what kind of music does he like?
Is he a pancake or waffle guy? I don't know.
If you hadn't trashed his phone,
we would have gotten all that.
You know they can track those things.
Hang on, I'm on his Facebook. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- What? What? What is it? - Some chick, the same chick.
It's, like, she's fucking everywhere.
She's, like, all over his wall.
- Fuck. - Fuck. Fuck.
Who's the girl? What's her deal?
Who's Audrey?
Is this your girlfriend?
No.
Ow! I don't know.
Maybe. Ow!
How is she a girlfriend maybe?
How long were you seeing her?
Five months.
Jesus! I knew you were a lying asshole,
but you didn't even have the decency
to be a single lying asshole?
We aren't together anymore.
When did you break up?
Ow!
It wasn't an event.
It just kind of happened a couple weeks ago.
You ghosted her.
You fucking ghosted her.
No. No, no. Hang on. I didn't...
Relationships don't just end. They're not "The Sopranos."
Did you say the words,
"We're breaking up," or "It's over"?
- Not exactly. - "It's not you, it's me"?
"I'm not ready for a relationship"?
- "You're too good for me." - God, I fucking hate that
when it's like somehow it's our fault
we're not shitty enough for them.
Wait, which means Audrey thinks that they're still together,
and now that he's stopped posting,
she's worried about his sorry ass.
Well, if she's smart,
she'll realize he's not worth the aggravation
and give up.
So let's just wait it out.
I'm sorry. Is something funny?
You're both so fucked.
Audrey once harassed a manager at Lululemon
until he let her return a pair of pants
eight months after she bought them.
Good God.
Without a receipt.
That's not possible.
Watched a man break that day.
Good luck, ladies.
You just woke up the bear.
♪ All the things that I've done ♪
♪ Oh, how you'd run ♪
♪ If you knew a single one ♪
♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪
C-C-Cassandra!
Cassan... Cassandra!
What's up?
Hey, I'm late for a meeting. How's it going?
Yeah, I got like 400 viewers
on my "Counter-Strike" Twitch last night.
- Wow. - Yeah.
I'm no leader, but I get by.
Oh, I noticed your lawn is looking a bit leafy.
- I could clean it up. - No.
- No? - I like it messy.
Oh, no, cool, yeah, no problem.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. I also got a new business.
Check it.
- Yeah, except... - _
you got to put U-R for "your"
and three F's for "stuff."
- Why the three F's? - Two F's was taken.
But now, I figure it's... it's like a brand, you know,
like how... how Google used to be spelled with a U,
but now they got all those O's.
Yeah, I don't think that's a thing.
I could, like, fix the screen or jailbreak the O.S.
That sounds great. I'll keep it in mind.
Or... and... but... and... Cool. Yeah.
If you just want to hang out just you and me, like,
you know where to find... you know where to find...
you know where to find me.
So, I'm...
_
Tell me everything you know about Elijah Foster.
- Go. - Oh, okay. Elijah Foster.
He's big on the British theater scene. He's in a couple indie films.
He's trying to break into Hollywood, but I think it's kind of a big jump.
It's a leap of fucking faith is what it is.
East of the Atlantic, Elijah soaks panties
like it's fucking monsoon season.
But here in America, he might as well be my cousin Dave.
- Do you know Dave? - I don't think so.
Exactly. No one gives a shit about Dave.
So now you see our problem.
Elijah's agents want us to help rebrand,
and Ken Hall has promised the company package.
All six fronts...
traditional, digital, social, extra social,
post-digital and meta-traditional,
all working at the same time.
I know Elijah's kind of a big deal over in England,
and I've seen his pictures online, and yeah, he's really hot,
but so are a million other actors.
- He needs a hook. - She's got a point.
- It's all about a hook. - Oh, Elijah,
so good to see you.
This is Cassandra French.
She is part of the social media team here at Ken Hall.
What I meant to say was that
- you're someone who's talented... - No-no-no, that's all right...
that's all right... it's a challenge.
Let's not be scared of it. Don't hold back.
I mean, I get how it works.
I can't expect instant fame or money or respect.
Those things will come.
For now, I'm happy to get by on honesty.
- Yeah, this place is pretty amazing. - Mm.
Try to get here a few times a week and do the labyrinth.
Helps me center myself.
Yeah, I tried to do those mindfulness coloring books,
and all I got were hand cramps.
- So, shall we get to business? - Oh. Is that it?
Is that the end of the banter?
What's the usual time period for this?
- Five to seven minutes, I'd say. - Hmm.
See, in the UK, we usually start off with tea,
and then about two minutes of banter, and then right to business.
After about an hour or so, we crack out the tea again
and have a discussion on European politics.
Banter.
Right.
Maybe after lunch, you'll have a better attitude about all this.
Maybe after lunch, you could blow me.
You think that's funny?
I can handle insults. I'm from Boyle Heights.
But my best friend is sweet and kind,
and she really wants this to work,
and this disrespect you're throwing her way,
that's what pisses me off.
So you're gonna spray me in the face with water
to teach me a lesson.
No, I'm gonna shoot you in the face
with homemade pepper spray because it's fun.
Now, Cassandra spent a lot of time
putting these questions together, so...
She printed these off Buzzfeed.
That's right, and she ran out of ink,
so she had to go to the Office Depot on Wilshire.
Ever been? Hmm?
No?
The whole place smells like wet dog all the time,
and there is one cashier,
and he has the mental function of a rabbit.
And I'm not punching this guy down. I'm just stating a fact.
It's an ordeal.
And she went through this ordeal for you
because she believes in you, Owen.
She believes that you can evolve
at least one step
past the parasitic penis monster
that you appear to be.
So, shut the fuck up
and answer these admittedly stupid questions.
3, 2...
Oh! God damn it!
- Fuck! - I warned you.
Hmm. I got about 80 more sprays left in this bad boy.
That's all you get to eat today.
That's a shame.
Mmm. It's so good.
Just give me the fucking pencil.
You know, I have to admit,
I haven't really latched onto social media
the way everyone else has.
I mean, I've got some pictures of my dog,
trip to Siena, but that's about it.
But the way some people use Twitter and Instagram,
there's a real sense of... of passion,
and I'd like to find that.
You want to be passionate on Twitter?
Well, when I did "Othello" at the Globe,
29 people fainted during the standing ovation.
The news said it was outdoor seating
and the biggest heat wave of the century,
but I believe it was the intensity of our performance
that sent those audience members to their feet
and then to the hospital.
I want the whole world to feel my passion for life.
I want to send the whole world to hospital in a good way.
We love your passion.
At Ken Hall Publicity, we are all about passion.
Fantastic. I'd love to hear some ideas.
I saw an interview on Channel 4 where you were mentoring kids
from the neighborhood where you grew up.
You watch British television?
Not regularly, but I saw that.
Maybe what you're looking for is we focus on your passion
for helping out disadvantaged children.
- That is important to me. - We can see that.
And that's why it's important to us.
Yes!
That's it. There it is.
- Passion. - We knew you'd love it.
- Now we just need to sketch out... - Ah, I've got to run to a fitting.
Booked a small gig on the new Scorsese film.
Oh. The crime one.
Let's schedule our follow-up for another day, shall we?
So long as you bring this one.
Of course.
We wouldn't have it any other way.
That was great. He was great.
- This is gonna be... - Great?
He's what we sell, not what we buy.
If you really want to be taken seriously as a woman in this business,
don't sample the product,
no matter how perfectly it sweats.
Wendy, I-I would never.
Now, short of that, do what it takes.
In order to know what our clients need,
we need to know what they think.
In order to know what they think, we gotta go in deep.
Go to their house, eat their food,
groom their dogs, scold their children.
Just don't fuck them.
The clients, not the children.
Either.
Claire.
We're gonna "Ocean's Eleven" his ass.
We need information on Owen in order to assess him, right,
and we got to crack his social media
to calm that crazy girlfriend.
You've got the address off his license.
Let's do this shit.
Yeah, okay. You can be Clooney.
I don't know. I'll be Brad Pitt.
I'm not gonna be Julia Roberts.
She wasn't even part of the crew.
Right? I mean, like, the only female in that film,
and they can't even throw her a couple of minutes of scre...
Are we doing this?
_
All right. Talk to me, Lex.
Lex here with another...
"Dirty Maintenance" show.
Today, I want to do a lock-picking video.
Hand-picking locks.
Now you're speaking my language, Lex.
Keep going with that.
Cassie?
Cassie.
Cassie, just....
God damn it.
Yep.
This is an asshole's apartment.
Like if an actual asshole came to life,
and filled out a credit check
and got a one-bedroom in Van Nuys,
it would look exactly like this.
He was inside of me.
Oh, my God. Dude, check it out.
He has porn on DVD?
"Moist Thighs, Pink Bottoms."
He was inside of my body.
I know. It's gross. I'm sorry.
But are you really that surprised?
Listen, you want to find out more about this guy, this is our chance,
so let's pack up as much shit as we can,
and get the fuck out of here.
Oh, shit, he's got a mom.
Yeah, so does Guy Fieri.
Claire, what do you got against Guy Fieri?
He's just trying to showcase America.
He knows what he did.
Hmm.
Damn it.
What you doing over there, Sparky?
I'm trying to think like Owen.
How many different ways can you spell boobs?
It's a laptop, so let's just grab it and go,
because I don't want to catch anything.
Okay, that is the second time you've referenced me
catching something from Owen,
and I really feel like I need to make a trip
- to Planned Parenthood. - You might.
- You got it? - Yeah.
Owen, it's Mrs. Pataky from 113.
Are you in there, dear?
I was hoping I'd get to see you today.
I still owe you a handsie for fronting me that molly.
Okay, let's get the fuck out of here.
Whoo!
We did it! Heist!
More B&E, but points for enthusiasm.
Fuck "Ocean's Eleven."
We're like "Thelma & Louise."
Yeah, totally, except for that, you know...
all the, like, killing and raping and suicide.
Wait. What?
Have you actually seen "Thelma & Louise"?
Yeah. Yeah, I, like, saw the trailer.
That's what that movie's about?
Yeah.
I mean, they drove off of a cliff?
That's fucking insane.
Yeah.
Makes dealing some shit on a laptop seem a lot better, huh?
Yeah, but like, we get in that laptop,
and all of his secrets are ours.
You know, it's gonna be, like, more porn
and, like, lots of pictures of dirt bikes, right?
So, can you crack it?
I can crack this.
Whose gear is it?
Love to tell you, Doug, but you know Hollywood secrets, NDA's.
Totally. Show biz.
I'm gonna ring this up...
special price, friend price.
Special friend price.
Ready?
100 bucks. Boom.
- $20 - Deal.
My take me a few days, though,
but I have...
I have Miller Lite left over from the...
- Good night, Doug. - Okay, cool, cool.
- The offer still st... - Stay off my lawn, Doug.
Yeah, yeah.
You guys... you guys like beer pong and Hacky Sack?
Little to the left.
Oh, no, wait, sorry. To the right.
Yes.
Oh, dude, look, he finished all of his quizzes.
Oh, it almost makes me not want to punch him in the face.
See?
I told you he didn't need to be threatened.
He just needed a little time to relax and think.
Yeah, you were right.
Huh.
Crepes.
You know, I gotta say,
I was a little worried there for a minute,
but I actually think all of this is gonna work out just fine.
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com
Next time on "Cassandra French's Finishing School"...
I think it's probably pretty obvious
what today's lesson is gonna be all about.
Honesty.
You're an interesting woman. You must be doing interesting things.