Hey, Lexie.
Axl!
Devin?
Whoa! Hey!
Haven't seen you in like, a year.
Yeah. Where've you been, man?
I stopped by your place once, but it was all nice,
so I knew you couldn't be living there anymore.
-Wow, you -- you did? -Yeah.
How come you didn't tell me you moved?
Ow! Well...
I did.
I moved. I'm living in a Winnebago now.
Wait a minute.
The infamous 'Bago parties -- That's you?
Guilty.
Why'd you never invite me?
You know I'm always good for a six-pack!
Oh, my God! This is, like, so wild.
I mean, I haven't seen you in, like, forever.
Then you just show up out of the blue.
Axl?
Cassidy!
Axl, wow! Hi!
So good to see you!
What are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be at Vassar?
No, no. I'm out already.
I had enough credits to graduate early,
which sounds great but actually just means
I'm unemployed six months earlier.
Yikes. And here I thought you were smarter than me.
Oh, you're that Cassidy! Axl's talked all about you.
He has?
Yeah.
Cassidy, Devin. Devin, Cassidy.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you guys...
No, no.
I mean, well, we used to be but before I got married.
You're married!
What?
No, no. Not now.
Not married now.
I mean, it was an annulment and, you know, it's over.
It only lasted a couple of days.
Who wants to do shots. Right? Who's got...
Axl?
Oh, God.
Wow! Hey! What are you doing here?
I thought that seniors didn't come to this party.
Well, I am certainly regretting it.
And who's this?
This is Lexie, Sue's roommate.
You look good.
Thank you.
I mean, uh, not just you.
You're not the only one that looks good.
You all look good! Everybody looks good!
I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm interrupting something.
No, we were just catching up.
Well, this could not get any weirder.
Hi, Axl.
A white wolf came to me in a dream and told me
if I sacrificed my hair, you'd come back to me.
You should probably make that into tea and drink it.
Oh.
What the hell is that?
Do you not ever listen to me?
I told you guys --
the library's closing down their east wing
so they can turn it into a Tommy T's franchise.
No kidding? A Tommy T's in Orson?
Oh, I love Tommy T's.
You're missing the point. It's sad.
They're shutting down half the library
because people just read on their phones now.
So to raise money to save the other wing,
they're selling all the displaced books and equipment.
That's why I got a sweet deal on this baby.
They open up again at 6:00 a.m. if you wanna check out the sale.
Yeah, I'm not getting up at 6:00 to buy books,
but I would get up at 6:00 for Tommy T's.
Okay, now I'm craving
a double-fried Big Tommy with bacon.
They guarantee a tablespoon of mayo in every bite.
I should of stayed with the Fergusons.
Is that my dress?
Oh. Yeah.
Remember how you said I could borrow anything in your closet?
Well, I have the Chancellor's Ball to go to,
so hope you don't mind.
Please. What's the point of having
a formal-gown collection
if you can't share it with friends?
Can I just make a teeny adjustment?
Uh-huh.
Ah.
There.
Wow, I can't believe you're going to the Chancellor's Ball.
I know.
It's like the only perk of being a Dragonette tour guide.
Well, besides the mini-flashlights.
So, I bit the bullet and asked Tyler to take me.
Ooh.
Are things heating up between you two?
I don't know. I think so.
I mean, tonight he took me
to the garage where they keep the carts.
Ah.
There's all these plugs,
and you can hear everything charging.
It's more romantic than it sounds.
Wow, that's great!
I don't know.
We just started dating, and the ball is such a big deal.
I hope it's not too soon.
No, the man showed you his cart garage.
That is true.
So, how was the party?
Oh, my God, it was so weird.
Out of the blue, Axl shows up.
Really? He's a senior.
Why would he do that?
I don't know! But get this --
All of his ex-girlfriends were there, too.
What?
Yeah. Uh, what's her name --
Uh, Devin and Cassidy and some wizard lady.
I felt so awkward.
Thank God he has no idea how I feel about him.
Yeah. Thank God for that.
Man, you must've had some wild night last night.
Tiny question --
What's with the bag of hair?
Ugh. Weird Ashley.
Yeah.
Weird Ashley was there,
Cassidy was there, Devin was there
Okay, Dorothy.
How much green beer did you drink?
No, seriously, man, they were all there.
It was freaky. I had to get out of there,
so I told them all I was getting us beers,
beat my way out of the crowd with this giant shamrock
and never looked back.
I mean, what are the odds
all my ex-girlfriends would show up at the same party?
Wow! Don't you get it?
It's a sign.
The universe is clearly trying to tell you something.
What?
I don't know. Could be about love,
could be you're supposed to pick one of 'em.
But you'll never know, my friend, because you bolted
before the universe could give you the answer.
So, what do I do now?
Only one thing to do.
Toss this nasty hair bag
and seek the guidance of a higher power.
So, we're watching Matthew McConaughey
in "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?"
Unless you got a better idea.
Uh, what's this?
The greatest day of my life!
Can you believe it?
We are now the proud owners
of our very own microfiche machine.
And just to be clear, this is mine,
but I'm leaving it out for all of us so we can use it.
You actually spent money for this thing?
Yep, $60.
Best birthday money I ever spent.
And to think I was this close to blowing it
on a goat for a starving family.
Thank you.
What the hell are you drinking, Heck?
It's called a White Peach Bellini.
Ooh. You drink girly drinks now?
Clearly, without my guidance you've gone off the rails.
Oh.
Uh, so, what's going on?
I haven't seen you in a year, then I run into you at a party,
and now you wanna get drinks?
Uh, yeah.
Well, you know, this might sound kinda strange,
but, um, I've got some questions about...
the universe.
Ah, universe questions. Bring it.
Okay, great.
So, when we were going out, uh, I don't know,
it seemed like we were pretty good together.
I mean, we both liked to hang,
and we both liked to dip our fries in mustard,
we were both awesome at sports.
-I'm better. -Debatable.
So, why did we break up again?
Uh, you tell me. Did we, even?
I mean, I know we talked about seeing other people,
but I thought we we'd still hang out and watch football,
maybe mess around a little,
but you didn't text or anything.
Kinda seemed like you were sending me a message.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
There's no message there. I am not that deep.
Okay, a little advice --
If you really wanted to see me, you knew where I lived!
Well, how was I supposed to know that?
If I did, maybe it would've --
Hey, if the Seahawks had handed the ball
to Marshawn Lynch at the one-yard line,
they could've won the Super Bowl,
but, you know, whatever.
Hindsight's 20/20, right?
Oh, right. Other arm.
Yeah.
Check out this story from the Orson Herald from 1954.
"Local woman finds hat in tree."
Local man on couch wants peace and quiet.
I'm telling you, Dad,
this is a bottomless fountain of information.
Ooh, here's one from August 1932.
"Have you seen this dog?"
I wonder if they found it.
That dog is dead.
Everyone who cared about that dog is dead.
The new dog they bought
to get over the pain of losing that dog is dead.
You're a mean, mean man.
Eh.
Oh, uh, it's a blood orange martini.
I asked for a beer, but the guy brought me this.
Well, college is a time to experiment.
So, wow.
Here we are.
Why are we here, exactly?
Yeah, I'm just trying to figure some stuff out.
You're kind of the first girl I ever really fell for,
and it was pretty intense.
I mean, we were, like, pretty much opposites,
but we managed to make it work for a while, right?
Why couldn't we make it work?
Well, for one, we were a thousand miles apart.
Actually, we were 827.
I should know. I drove 409 of them.
Wait, what? What are you talking about?
Yeah, um, actually, freshman year,
I, uh, drove up to Vassar to see you,
but I stopped halfway and turned around and came home.
Why did you turn around?
I don't know. I guess I just kinda freaked.
Thought you might not want to see me.
See, that's kind of the problem, Axl.
You were never clear about what you wanted.
Well, I think driving halfway to your dorm
without ever telling you
sent a pretty strong-ish message.
Look, that's all water under the bridge.
So, how are you doing?
I mean, you got divorced?
Yeah, it's kinda weird.
But I'm still dating my ex-wife, so that's cool.
Uh, and I made the Dean's list this year...
of, um, people graduating.
Surprise!
Sean! Hey! What are you doing here?
Axl's not around.
I know. I actually came for you.
Really?
I seem to recall somebody
wanting to go to the Chancellor's Ball.
Wait, who told you? How did you know about that?
You did.
Back when I was over here helping you with your desk,
you were saying you weren't sure
if you were gonna go 'cause you didn't have a date.
And I was walking on my campus yesterday
and it was really warm and pretty out
and I remembered this word you made up when we were young
to describe days like that where it suddenly is warm again.
-Springalicious? -Springalicious.
And it made me think of you and I was like,
"Why am I thinking of Sue right now?"
And then I remembered this was your weekend.
So, Suzy Q, on this beautiful springalicious occasion,
may I have the honor of escorting you
to the Chancellor's Ball?
Oh, Sean.
Don't you have a cellphone? You could call ahead first?
I actually have a date.
Oh.
Yeah, I didn't -- I didn't call
because I thought the surprise would be nice.
That was dumb.
I just figured third time was the charm, you know.
You're gonna owe me for tux rentals if I keep this up.
But, hey, the important thing is that you're happy.
I just wanted to make sure you had the chance to go.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Do you have to go already? Why don't you stay a while.
We could get a pizza or hang out or something.
I promise I won't make you put together any more furniture.
I --
No, no. I -- It's okay.
I should get back to Orson, spend some time with my folks
before going up to school, and, uh, yeah.
Have fun at the ball, Suzy Q. You deserve it.
Oh, but...
Okay.
It's been great catching up, Axl.
If you're in Italy this summer, look me up.
I will!
It's the one that's shaped like a boot, right?
I've been watching what's been going on.
I know I'm next.
Ask me whatever you want.
And I brought you a drink.
Yeah, I'm not drinking that.
I wouldn't.
Actually, no, you know what?
Now that you're here, I-I do have a question.
Um, why do you like me?
It doesn't seem like I'd be your type.
I'll always be here,
in this lifetime and the next, for eternity.
But I don't get it.
Why are you wasting your time on me
when there's probably some other guy --
or merman -- who'd be perfect for you?
I mean, I've been telling you for a long time
nothing's ever gonna happen between us.
No, you haven't.
You never told me you didn't like me.
I didn't?
No. You took me to prom twice.
Um...
If you didn't want to be with me, why didn't you just say so?
You're not very clear with your signals, Axl.
Maybe you should just sit here
and think about all the pain you've caused me.
And I hope it's reflected in my tip.
Hello, Mother.
Anything you'd like to, uh, tell me?
That was five months ago.
No, it's something else, something more revealing,
something very interesting I found
in my microfiche from 1983.
More interesting than the hat in the tree?
Yes.
My mother -- your wife --
was arrested for indecent exposure.
It was all right there in the Herald.
Oh, my God, I forgot about that.
Oh, Brick, it was nothing.
When we were seniors,
my friends and I went streaking through the Denny's parking lot.
Eh, we thought it was funny.
Just a harmless high school prank.
We didn't think we'd get caught.
Who would've thought there'd be cops at Denny's?
Well, it was quite the scandal at the time.
The whole town was talking about it.
Well, don't you worry that it could come back to haunt you?
I mean, anyone with a microfiche machine can see this.
It's what high schoolers do.
They take risks and do dumb pranks.
Did you ever do anything like that?
Oh, you kidding me?
When I was in high school, we had this algebra teacher,
total jerk.
He drove a Fiero with vanity license plates
that said "COOLGUY."
A little tip --
anybody who has plates that say "COOLGUY,"
not a cool guy.
So, I had this buddy that was a mechanic,
and one night when Mr. Coolguy
was at some band concert, me and a bunch of guys
took apart his Fiero and rebuilt it in the library.
Why would you do that to a library?
The library was fine. You're missing the point.
It was just a prank. It's what kids do.
My friends and I have never done that.
Well, you guys are a bunch of nerds.
Mike!
What?
Not like it's a secret or something.
He knows what he is.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, this is the third time
he showed up to take me to a dance.
I just feel bad because I never end up going with him.
He's always so nice.
He was the first person
to tell me he liked my hair after I cut it.
Sean sounds like a great guy.
Oh, super great. I just hope he's not hurt.
He drove such a long way, and it was such a nice gesture.
No, a nice gesture is if you drive an hour.
I don't know what you call a gesture after five hours.
Did I tell you it was five hours?
You know, you've been talking an awful lot about Sean.
Have I?
Sue, remember how Julia broke up with me
because I was talking about you all the time?
It kinda feels like there's somebody
you'd rather be going to this ball with.
What?
No, no, no, no, no. I really like you.
That's why I asked you and everything.
I just didn't realize Sean would even want to come.
I mean, he is a very social guy, and he does love to dance.
One time at our block party --
Sue, if you want Sean to take you, it's not too late.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Tyler, I really couldn't do that to you.
No, really, it's cool.
I'm not just saying this to be nice.
I mean, yeah, I like you,
but we've only been dating for three weeks
and it's mostly been hauling around drunks.
I don't wanna be competing with some other guy already.
So I think if you like this Sean,
you should probably go talk to him and figure that out.
Oh, my God. Do you think?
Yeah.
I mean, we've known each other our whole lives.
But, no, he's already in Orson,
and he's going back to Notre Dame.
Orson's only 42 minutes away.
You -- You told me that a lot, too.
Hey, Brick, everything okay?
Not really.
You know how you guys were talking
about high schoolers pulling pranks?
I don't know. You made it sound so fun.
And I thought, since I've never done one,
that I would try my hand at a prank.
Please tell me you didn't go streaking.
The '80s were a very different time.
No, I had this great idea to change
the Dewey Decimal System in the library
by switching the 500s with the 900s.
People would go up to a shelf expecting books on botany,
but instead they'd get ancient civilizations.
Everyone would be like, "What? What crazy man did this?"
You'd be the first to do it.
I know! Right?
I had this whole elaborate plan, like "Ocean's Eleven."
I was gonna push the cart, Troy was the muscle,
Cindy was the femme fatale.
But they just weren't into it.
So, guess I'll graduate high school
without an epic story.
Maybe that's my story -- no story.
Axl, I know we're supposed to go out for dinner,
but I didn't eat anything at noon,
so could we go out for lunch instead?
It's not healthy to skip meals.
Yeah, listen, April, we need to talk.
Um...
I've been feeling really conflicted lately.
I feel like things have been weird between us
since the annulment.
But I'm 22, and I just don't feel
ready to settle down just yet.
Even though I know we already did.
Before, I would've just let things
keep doing what they're doing.
But it's just not fair, you know?
Like, if I feel like we don't have a future together,
I should just be clear and say what I mean.
And what I mean is...
We should break up.
Wow.
I guess the first clue should've been when we got divorced.
Yeah, well, that was one.
So, then, did you ever love me?
Yes! Of course.
And some part of me always will.
Just not enough to date me.
It's fine.
I get it.
You don't have to hit me over the head to let me know stuff.
I don't want to make a scene, so I'll just go.
What the hell are you doing?
Aunt Edie's car died and I gotta get to Orson!
Uh, kinda in the middle of something here, Sue!
I gotta talk to Sean! Now stop distracting me!
This is like driving a whale!
You ever heard of a phone? Just call him.
He's not answering and I gotta catch him
before he goes back to Notre Dame!
Okay, let me drive.
No, you'll stop! Every second counts!
At least let us out!
No, I'm not stopping till I get to Orson!
There's a reason you go your separate ways
right after a breakup.
Ooh.
How's that?
If we don't do something with butts,
then I don't know what we're doing here.
This is so epic.
Years from now, I'll be telling the story
about how I pulled a prank with my parents!
You might wanna leave the parents part out.
Oh, wait. I've got one.
"Cake beak pan farts."
Okay.
I like, "Pancake breakfast Saturday."
So, thanks for taking this so well.
Mrs. Donahue! Mrs. Donahue!
Is Sean here?
Oh, no, I'm sorry, Sue.
He left for Notre Dame hours ago.
Don't you look beautiful!
Wait.
Aren't you supposed to be at a ball?
Yeah, well, the situation kind of changed.
Oh, honey. Do you still need a date?
Ron can take you. Ron!
No, I'm good. I'm good.
You sure?
I was a little worried when you pulled up in such a hurry.
Yeah. Well...
I was just chasing something
that probably wasn't even really a thing.
I'm fine. I'm fine, really.
So, Sue rejected one prince and chased down another.
And although she didn't
get to go to the ball with either of them,
the unlikeliest of princes came to her rescue.
Cool! Open bar!
You ever tasted a Creamsicle margarita?
Ooh.
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