Previously on What Would Sal Do...
- Maria. - Hey.
- JOE: Hey. - Joe.
- Something's different about you. - Yeah?
Yeah. Well, you look good.
Okay, look if I'm Jesus
how come I can't shoot out miracles, huh?
Like, in the Bible, he's always shooting out miracles.
All I want is for you to be a good person.
So, I'm not a good person now?
- Really? - A better person.
- Do you even have a job? - I'm an entrepreneur.
Why even ask me out if you can't pay for it?
Don't flatter yourself.
I wasn't asking you out.
Did you hear what that paramedic said?
If you hadn't noticed that guy was choking
he would've died.
She called it a miracle.
Wasn't a miracle, it's a coincidence.
Your mother and I have been waiting for 30 years for this day.
We are going to change the world.
You didn't think that all this
was gonna end well for you, did you?
(SCREAMS)
You made a blind man see.
You saved a man from choking to death.
So have tons of waiters.
Look, everybody who hears the call has doubts.
Even Jesus did, at first.
Oh, yeah? Then how come you were so sure about me, huh?
Well, I had my doubts.
But every time I wavered,
he always sent me a sign.
You remember when the snow storm knocked out the power?
We were gonna starve until I found all that
canned salmon in the cold cellar.
MARIA: Sal-Mon?
Sal-Mon! Get it?
Well, I guess if we were Jamaican it might be a sign, Mom, but...
Look, all I'm asking, for now,
is that you just try to be a good person.
Why don't you offer to pay
- for Gloria's breakfast? - I don't want to pay
- for Gloria's breakfast. - It will be nice.
I don't wanna pay for... (SIGHS)
Ah, we'll just take the bill, I guess, and, uh...
I'll pay for Gloria's breakfast too.
Is it okay if Sal gets
- your breakfast, Gloria? - What the fuck, bro?
Sal would like to buy you breakfast.
I'll pay for my own, thanks.
What the hell, Gloria?
He shat in my mailbox, remember?
Okay, but he's trying to make up for it.
How'd you like it if I shit in your mailbox?
- I'd like to see you get up there. - You should do that, Gloria.
You should shit in my mailbox.
- I'm gonna shit in your mailbox. - Calm down, Ma.
Just forget her.
The woman wears exercise pants in public.
Thanks, man.
Oh, hey, what's that?
Oh, sorry, I must've charged you for the smoked salmon.
Excuse me,
did you just say Sal-Mon?
No, I said salmon, like a normal person.
Oh, you watch your tone with my mother.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Subtitle by peritta
Will you look at the way these women are dressed?
You'd think it was some nightclub,
for God's sake, instead of the Lord's house.
Oh, Ma, you really think God cares how women dress?
He can probably see right through their clothes.
- No. - You don't think God has X-ray vision?
- Get serious! - Well, he probably could.
Only God is not some gross pervert.
Well, then he did not create me in His image.
Oh, is that Zia Leena?
Gee, I'm sorry, Ma.
I never see the woman, 'cause you don't talk to your own sister.
We just... Never clicked.
There is more to it than that, Ma,
I know, c'mon tell me why.
Sally!
- Hi. - Hey, Zee.
- Maria. - Hi.
It is so nice to see you helping out with the bake sale.
- Yeah, she made me. - He's taking an interest.
Well, whatever the reason,
the church is lucky to have you here.
With your charms,
we're gonna sell out right away.
- Oh, yeah. - (BOTH LAUGH)
- Oh, such a sweet boy. - (LAUGHS)
Oh, every time! I'm...
(SIGHS)
Oh, no.
(SIGHS)
(CLICK)
SAL: If you guys really believe this crap,
why don't you just start telling people, huh?
We will, just as soon as we have enough
momentum to carry us over the threshold of belief.
Right, that thing from the Bible.
No, not the Bible.
The threshold of belief is that point
when you achieve a critical mass of followers
that allows you to attract even more followers.
And we do this
by performing one good deed at a time.
Okay...
- Let me try it another way. - (CELLPHONE ALERTS)
- Oh, Sal. - Sorry, Ma. I just...
It's on silent. Okay, go on.
When a record company signs an unknown band,
they don't just release an album.
You gotta get a bit of buzz going first.
Father Luke's in a band.
Oh, fuck right off! What kind of band?
(CHUCKLES) Well, I don't like to talk about it too much.
New country, I play bass.
Oh, yeah? What do you guys call yourselves?
- Cross to Bear. - That's a great name
- for a Christian rock band. - It really is. Yeah.
It was my idea, but it is... Sal...
I want to,
for lack of a better term, manage you.
See, I believe,
that what I know about Christian rock
can work for us too.
- Us? - Of course.
We've been waiting 30 years for this moment.
Oh, my God. Look, I can't be going around Sudbury
hanging out with a priest all the time.
- I can wear jeans. - You look ridiculous in jeans.
Oh, it's true.
(PHONE RINGING)
FATHER LUKE: Holy Family Church?
VINCE: Hi. Is Sal there, by any chance?
It's Vince.
- What? - (SIGHS)
- Watch the... - SAL: Yeah, Vince, what do you want?
VINCE: Since when do you not answer your phone?
Since, I'm busy. What do you want?
I'm sick.
I think I'm really sick, Sal.
SAL: Oh, calm down, you're just having one of your freak outs.
No, did you look at the picture I sent you?
(SIGHS)
Oh...
- SAL: Is that your nipple? - That's my balls!
And that's a lump that's on my balls.
And I know I got it from Misty at the Rub 'n' Tub!
SAL: Or maybe this is just like the time that
you thought you had a brain tumor from your cell phone.
Or Ebola from Sudbury African Safari.
No, because I have been doing research, Sal.
This is either syphilis or it's candida,
or it's herpes.
Or it's AIDS.
VINCE: AIDS, Sal.
Ah, whatever.
I know you don't wear diapers
but it's kind of what you look like in jeans.
SAL: Okay, so we just about done here or what?
Look, Sal, all we're asking a good person,
okay? Is that so hard?
This is coming from the woman who barely talks to her own sister.
I'll make you a deal.
You just start doing some good deeds, okay?
I mean, not miracles necessarily,
but just like a good turn here or there.
I'll make up with Leena.
Fine.
But I'm doing it on my own, okay?
- What about cords? - No, no.
(SIGHS)
What do you mean, I'm banned?
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Some weirdo priest came in
and paid us not to serve you anymore.
- I know... - Oh, that fucking cock!
I think it's great.
Thanks to you and that hobo, I'm getting evicted.
What? Why?
Why are you getting evicted?
Because when the police brought me home,
somebody on my condo board did some digging
and they found out where I work and now they want me out.
Oh, shit.
This is too perfect.
How is this perfect?
Thanks to you, I have to beg
my stuck-up condo board to let me stay.
Yeah, but you see, now I get to help you, right? So...
(SCOFFS) Please, you can't even help yourself!
- Look at you! - You know this attitude
you got on display right now?
This is the exact reason why I never
- picked you to jerk me off, okay? - Whatever.
- Do you want my help or not? - Not.
Oh, well...
That's too bad for you then.
One of my good friends...
One of my solid homies...
He's a... He's a lawyer.
And he probably for sure, represent you for free.
The guy owes me like a ton of favors, so...
But if you're good...
- Really? - Yeah?
But you're good though, so...
Leena here?
I was trying to call her but...
I don't think she is taking my calls.
She went out.
She should be home soon.
So, you mind if I wait?
Yeah.
Sure, okay.
Thanks.
So, uh...
What's this about?
We need to talk.
Me and Leena.
Right.
You and Leena.
(RING TONE)
- CELESTE: Heavenly Hands spa,
- can I help you? - Oh, uh...
May I speak to Misty, please?
CELESTE: Oh, she's sick today.
Hello?
- (WHISPERS) Is it AIDS? - What?
I mean, um...
VINCE: Do your girls get tested regularly?
Ah, I think you have us mistaken
for a different kind of establishment, officer.
No, no, no, no... I'm not an officer.
I'm not an officer. I was just in there the other day.
I just want to talk to Misty.
I just need to speak to her. If you could give me her cell phone number?
I want to show her a picture.
Fuck off, Vince.
Hello?
It's definitely AIDS.
DARYL: So, typically new clients have to pay a retainer of $1000.
$1000?
Unless you can get on the public defender's list, like Sal did.
You told me you guys were best friends.
Well, it's just like a formality...
Well, yeah, if you define best friend is
someone who steals your girlfriend, then, yeah.
So, you were still mad about that.
Then, why do you think I got you to plead not guilty?
- Oh, my God. You lied to me! - You fuckin' banana.
Well, that's really not a surprise.
Sal once gave my girlfriend, and by extension me,
chlamydia and had her convinced
that it was just an allergic reaction to my balls.
Classic.
Yeah, but I'm not fucking like that anymore, okay?
That was a long time ago.
Anyway, Nicole as I was saying my retainer is
for typical new clients.
- But... - But I don't...
See anything typical about you.
So, you'll waive the retainer?
As long as you promise not to tell anybody.
(NICOLE CHUCKLES)
- It'll be our little secret. - What's going on here?
- (LAUGHS) - And you know, unlike Sal,
I'm not going to lie to you.
- And I didn't peak in high school. - What?
- Right? - Yeah, exactly.
So, most leases have a code of conduct
that allows them to evict you in the advent of any unsavory behavior.
- I haven't checked the case law... - But...
Isn't there some sort of argument
about the fundamental human right to earn a living?
- Like I'm not hurting anybody. - Yeah.
- I think it's a very smart argument... - As they say...
Unfortunately, it's just not enough
because it all boils down to the legality of...
And the fact that you've got this really shitty lawyer.
Okay, well, if you think you can solve
- No, no, no... - (ALL ARGUING)
(ALL ARGUING)
You know what...
It looks like Sal is on the case.
(ALL ARGUING)
Hey, Sal, I've been meaning to ask you,
that secretary that you ended up
fucking over the PA system in high school,
was that the guidance counselor's wife?
Good luck.
- They were engaged. - I don't...
But they'd been engaged for years! It was never gonna happen.
Stop fuckin' following me.
Why... Don't you want my help?
No, no.
- I'm fuckin' better off on my own. - Are you kidding me?
Look, I made a promise, okay?
To my mother that I would help people in need.
My poor, sick fuckin' dying...
Okay, she's not dying. But, look, I did tell her
that I would try and be a better person, okay?
So, that's what I'm trying to do.
Thank goodness, she fuckin' spoiled your ass,
- you know that, right? - What?
Spoiled my ass, huh?
- What do you know? Fuck. - I know, because I've been there.
All this confidence with nothing to back it up. (LAUGHS)
Oh, really? Nothing, huh?
My family spoiled me too.
But it came at a price.
So, eventually, I just said, fuck it, and...
I went off and did my own thing.
Hence the handies for a living. Respect.
Fuck them.
No, you fuckin' asshole...
I wanted to be a painter.
- Anyway, that's my lame story. - Hey, where you going?
Don't do that to yourself.
Don't say that... You got a lame story.
Look, all the girls at the parlor got a story.
Paige is three credits shy of her bachelor's,
Krista is a hell of a golfer.
Valerie's been taking care of her quadriplegic father
by herself since she was, like 17.
Fuck, we all gotta make a living.
It's life.
So, is this why all the girls at the massage parlor love you so much?
Because you listen to them?
I don't know.
I like people.
You can be yanking by lever, you're still a person.
- God damn right there. - God damn right there.
Get in.
Get in?
- Get in! - (EXCLAIMS)
You know, I think this was a mistake.
I'm just gonna go.
Just...
Tell Leena that I was here, okay?
You know, you two aren't the only ones with unfinished business.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Still claiming you were a pregnant virgin?
I never cheated on you, Joe.
For Pete's sake, Joe,
I'm still a virgin.
Jesus, Maria!
You're pathological.
- I still wear my purity ring. - So what?
Just 'cause I have a wedding ring doesn't mean I'm faithful.
- It doesn't? - Not me.
I'm just saying a ring doesn't mean anything.
Well, it does to me.
C'mon,
you still expect me to believe this?
No, you know, you're right.
After 30 years,
why should I expect you to believe anything?
I've rented an apartment here for five years,
and how many complaints have I had?
Zero.
I always pay my rent on time,
I even pick up other people's dog shit on the front path.
But the morality clause in the lease is quite clear.
And those rules are
old-fashioned, sexist, and oppressive.
And she wasn't even on premises
when she was doing the immoral stuff.
I mean, I'm sure she has done some dirty stuff
in her apartment before but that doesn't count,
right?
- What? - Shut up.
(SIGHS) Sex work doesn't have to be shameful.
It can be profitable for the workers,
- fulfilling for the clients... - Well, I'll vouch for that.
I'm afraid, that's only one opinion.
And I'm afraid that's a narrow view on
what's appropriate for women,
otherwise known as bigotry.
- Boom! - Do you even live here?
Are you a fucking bigot or what!
Look at this guy,
- come at me with bigotry too! - I'm not a bigot.
You expect us to believe sex work
can be good for our communities?
(MOCK LAUGHS) Yeah.
Think of all the women
who don't have the time or the skill set to get a traditional job.
Sex work can better their lives and the lives of their families.
College students,
single mothers,
you know, who don't have degrees.
- Like Sal's mother, for example. - No fuckin' way! What?
It's just an example.
No, I don't like that example. Stricken from the record, please.
So you wouldn't be comfortable
if your mother masturbated off men for a living?
Fuck no, Gerald. Would you?
Mic drop.
You better shut the fuck up now.
I'm tired of this bigotry, Gerald.
I'm tired of you eating the free snacks.
What'd you say about the fucking snacks?
Just go... Go, go, go.
Well, you're a fucking snack.
All you had to do was nod your head
like a dashboard dummy and keep your fat mouth shut.
Yeah, then you went off about my mother.
What was I supposed to do, huh?
Oh, right, your saint of a mother.
Watch it now, okay?
You should've seen her before...
She's a co-dependent enabler. And you two have
- a fucked-up relationship. - Holy shit!
I'm sorry but somebody needs to tell you, okay?
Holy fuck!
Wait, the fuck, hold on!
FATHER LUKE: Sal, what you're asking for
is against all the teachings of the Church.
Look, it's not like I'm asking you to support
gay marriage or something.
FATHER LUKE: Sal, I'm a priest.
I can't just go meddling in people's affairs.
Oh, no? Then why'd you go to the rub 'n' tug
and tell them not to serve me anymore, huh?
WOMAN: Bless me father, for I have sinned.
- Shit. - Yeah, bullshit is more like it.
Um, confess your sins, my child.
Look. You think it's a coincidence
that the same people I'm trying to fuck over are in your shitty band?
You've never even heard us play!
WOMAN: I called my husband a dick.
Go on.
You know how Ma's always going on about signs, and stuff like that,
and how half of them are nuts, but
- there is such a thing as signs, right? - Of course.
Like the fact
that your band members are on my friend's condo board.
SAL: My friend I'm trying to help.
- Holy balls. - SAL: Yeah.
- WOMAN: Pardon? - Oh, uh, nothing.
FATHER LUKE: There's no denying that's a sign.
A very big sign.
WOMAN: Who are you talking to there?
FATHER LUKE: God! I won't be a minute.
Sal, if I'm going to break the sacrament of confession for you,
- I want in. - Fine.
I want to be your spiritual advisor.
- That means you have to listen to me. - Okay.
- Really listen to me. - Okay.
And trust me.
So you're worried you contracted
an STD from an erotic massage?
Yes, so if I could get a bunch of meds...
I can't prescribe medication unless it's medically necessary.
I'm worried that I might have...
(WHISPERS) AIDS.
What?
AIDS.
AIDS?
I'm sure it's not but
we'll order some tests to rule it out.
How long will that take?
Two weeks.
What do I do until then?
Relax, go for a massage.
Are you joking?
Hello?
Oh, Maria,
I need to speak to you. Come here.
I've got some amazing news.
Sal came to me for help.
On purpose?
Yes!
Get this, he wants to do good.
I know, it's wonderful.
Now, I had to bend the rules a little bit, but I...
- Maria? - Leena!
- Hi, Father Luke. - (CHUCKLES)
It's nice to see you.
You come by my house
when I'm not home and you hit on my husband?
What?
No, I was looking for you.
(SCOFFS) For what?
I wanted to talk to you.
I wanted... To make up with you.
Oh, by hitting on my husband?
Could we not do this here?
This is our father's memorial mass.
Just stay away from Joe.
Leena.
Joe is not interested in me anymore.
It's not Joe I'm worried about.
- NICOLE: Wait, wait, wait. - SAL: It's okay.
(BOTH ARGUING)
What's happening here?
I'm here to fuckin' tell you, that your shit,
it stinks like shit.
- What? - What?
Gerald, did you tell your wife
that it was over with Donna in the secretarial pool?
(SCOFFS) It is over.
Yeah? Then why were you pounding her in the photocopy room last week?
- Pounding's a strong word. - Your word.
And, Jim, you know what time it is?
It's time to tell your kids there's no inheritance left,
you degenerate fuckin' gambler.
Throwing spoons at prostitutes, bro?
What the fuck?
And, Abigail?
My God! Dear sweet Abigail!
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
No, she actually does people.
She kisses her mother with that mouth.
Live online. Three nights a week.
As we are gathered here,
I invite you all to imagine
that you're holding a stone of judgment.
Then I want you to ask yourself
why am I carrying this stone?
Now, we all know the parable
of the adulteress
surrounded by the mob of
enraged men,
each with a stone at the ready.
Now, Jesus, he understood
that we all carry judgment in our hearts.
Each one of us.
So he challenged the men.
He said,
"Let he who is without sin
"cast the first stone."
All I'm saying,
is you people have some
fucking set of balls on you
to judge this beautiful lady with how she makes a living,
when your lives are a goddamn moral disgrace?
- Now, hang on... - Hang on, Gerald,
you are the most fucked up man in this room. You better watch it.
You and I both know this.
You see it in my eyes that I know shit.
Sal? Sal!
- Vince? - Oh, my God, Nicole!
Oh, my God.
- Did Misty give me AIDS? - What?
When she rub 'n tugged me, did she put AIDS inside of me?
You're the second most fucked up guy now, Gerald.
- My apologies. - I gotta know.
And one by one,
the men dropped their stones
and they walked away,
because they had learned
a valuable lesson that day.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know what? I think, I'm just going to cut to the chase.
I'm gonna talk about the parable, about turning the other cheek.
Because that is a very valuable lesson
that we could all put to practice, every day.
You know what I'm like. I get a thing in my mind,
and it's just like... (EXCLAIMS)
I can't... I don't even know what AIDS feels like.
It's itching and burning.
Shut the fuck up, Vince. I know, what you're like.
Okay?
How long have I known you? Our whole fucking lives.
- I know what you're like. - All right.
Which...
Is why I should've been there for you.
I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you today.
Misty doesn't have AIDS.
- Really? - Misty doesn't have AIDS.
I told you, buddy. I told you, buddy. You're gonna be fine.
- (SIGHS) - You're gonna be fine.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.
You wanna go celebrate? You get a burger?
No, no, um...
I'm gonna stick around here for a little bit.
See how that plays out.
- That? Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.
- You want me to stay? - No, you should take off.
- Okay. - Just take off, yeah?
Thank you.
So, your...
Your buddy's got, like, some problems right?
Vince doesn't have problems.
No, he's insane.
Like, we've been worried about him for years...
Just, you know, it's expensive to get
- treatment and care. - Mmm-hmm.
Look, um...
I feel like...
I just wanna tell you why I never picked you at the rub 'n tug.
Sal, it's okay. A lot of guys don't pick me.
Yeah, I know, but
it's not like I didn't want you
- to do a masturbate on me. - (CHUCKLES)
I just hoped that...
That when you did it, it'd be for free.
For free?
Not a fuckin' freebie or nothing but...
Like, I don't know. Maybe it would be...
After a date.
Or during a date if it's going well.
'Cause I wanna fuck your tits
but I want you to want me to fuck your tits, you know?
I just... I want you to be the girl who sits on my face
but I want it to mean something to both of us.
That's all.
So, good news, you can stay.
- Holy shit, look at that. - Oh, my goodness.
(BOTH CHEER)
(LAUGHS)
- It's a miracle. - Bad news, my wife's leaving me.
Marriages, man.
- Sucks. - Yeah.
Let's go out, we're gonna go celebrate.
What do you wanna do? We're gonna go to Wacky Wings and go to SRO?
Or you wanna say, fuck it. Just go Coulson's right away, hit the half ribs.
What do you wanna do? Anything.
Daryl asked me out.
What'd you say?
When he asked you out.
I need stability in my life.
Somebody who knows what they want.
And what, Daryl's that guy?
I think I wanna find out.
What about...
I don't know. What about us? I mean...
I just thought that we could have had something going, you know.
Something kinda special.
Come on.
Bye, Sal.
Thank you for everything.
Fuck that shit.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
How's it goin', Ma?
(SIGHS)
Tell me everything.
Well, I did do some good today.
Didn't quite work out the way I hoped, but...
Rarely does.
How'd it go with you and Zia Leena?
(SCOFFS) Not great.
What happened with you two, anyway, huh?
We fought over a boy once and...
We just never recovered.
How come you never, like,
I don't know...
Did the whole dating thing or...
It's hard to find anybody worth it.
Yeah.
Plus I had you.
You want me to make you something to eat?
No, I'm not hungry, Ma.
You think it's true
that, um,
everyone's got one person they're meant to be with?
I hope not.
It'd be a pretty cruel world if that were true.
Anyway, at least, we always have each other.
Hmm?
Yeah, Ma, yeah, we do.
Subtitle by peritta